Monday Morning Quarterback

December 1, 2008, 9:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s true confessions time at Chez MMQB. Last week’s (Cr)Apple Cup fiasco had me so flummoxed that I got my calendar dates all f*cked up. Mrs. MMQB and I won’t actually be leaving for paradise for a few hours yet, so I’m taking another slice of my precious time to provide you, my loyal readers, with yet another (albeit abbreviated) dose of my insightful and unbiased commentary on the color and pageantry of college football. Next week, though, I definitely will be enjoying Bermuda grass greens and drinks with little umbrellas in them, so all bets are off.

Riding the strong performance of QB “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who passed for a school record 433 yards and four touchdowns and rushed for another, the Appalachian State Mountaineers cruised by South Carolina State, 37-21 in the first round of the I-AA playoffs. You’ll notice that I still refuse to call it the Football Playoff Subdivision. Take that you dandruff-dusted blue-blazer bastards at the NCAA! Hey, he’s feeling pretty feisty for a boy about to go on vacation. But I digress… Anyway, the Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) host Richmond next Saturday. We’re luring those spiders into our web… buh-wah-hahahahaha!

The Husky season isn’t over yet. Ty Willingham is still the coach. Need I say more?

Ya gotta hand it to the Quackers. What “it” is remains to be seen – hopefully a bomb that will blow their Nike-wearin’, slug-eatin’ asses all over the Gaspumper State, ridding the earth once and for all of this scourge that continues to plague humanity. On Saturday, the vaunted green-and-gold-and-white-and- black-and-silver-and-I’m-sure-I’m-missing-a-few -other-hues-along-the-way were damned impressive (dammit to hell) in administering a 65-38 Civil War bitch-slapping to the 90 percent of the Barkrat squad they faced. Carrying on a tradition that dates back years, the AFLACs once again squared off in a big game against a foe that was without its most dangerous offensive weapon. But, hey, tradition is what college football is all about, right? Tradition, and Uncle Phil’s check-book. But I digress… To be fair (and the MMQB is nothing if not a paragon of fairness), it’s worth noting that the absence of Jacquizz Rodgers on offense probably didn’t have much impact on a suddenly (buck)toothless Barkrat defense which allowed the webbed-footed wonders to waddle for nearly 700 yards of offense, including 385 on the ground. As I watched “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson plow through, over and around the Barkrat defenders to the tune of over 200 yards in the first half alone, I couldn’t help thinking … since when did the pooches start wearing black and orange? Seriously, the Zero offense met zero defense. They were running through the Barkrats like … well, like sh*t through a duck, I suppose. Hey, what’s that offensive coordinator doing next season, anyway?

Willamette couldn’t overcome a three-TD halftime deficit and fell to the defending Division III (or is that Football Always-Had-A-Playoff Subdivision?) national champion Wisconsin Whitewater Scandals, 30-27. Rumor has it that the Bearcats were treated to a pre-game pep talk by noted alumnus and aspiring molder of young men’s character, one Achmed bin Galloooshes.

Coach Phil Fulmer, until recently the head man at Tennessee. All the guy did was give 35 years of his life to his alma mater as a player, graduate assistant, assistant coach and head coach. All he did in 17 years at the helm of the good ship Rocky Topper was win 75 percent of his games, two SEC championships and a national title. Now, one year removed from a 10-win season, he gets the boot. Anyway, it was good to see the old offensive lineman get another victory to run his record to 16-0 against Tennessee’s heated rival, the Kentucky Mildcats, coached by former University of Zero head man Rich “Babbling” Brooks. The MMQB finds it somehow fitting that the last game for a man whose name has graced a street outside the Vols’ stadium since their national championship was a victory over a man whose name has graced the I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-grass field in the Concrete Bunker since he completed his sub-.500 career there. And speaking of grass, remember that Fulmer was the coach who was unwilling to overlook the pot-smoking, girlfriend-smacking, gun-toting habits of one Onterrio Smith just to take advantage of his sizeable gridiron gifts. Gee, what practitioner of situational morality might be willing to make that deal-with-the-devil trade-off? I’ll tell you who: Mike Bawlalotti and the win-at-any-cost mavens of Anarchy Central, whose swoosh-driven quest to extinguish all that is good and right about amateur athletics knows no bounds. But I digress…

One the one hand, a charitable read on the situation in South Bend could be that things are looking up for Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys. I mean, last year they lost to hated rival U$C 38-0. This year, they improved to 38-3. Heck, if they can continue to make that kind of progress, the man who once brazenly proclaimed that his team would have a decided strategic advantage in every game they play should lead the Rudies to victory over the Condoms somewhere around 2020. Strangely enough, that’s just about when his current contract expires. That is, until the Bead-rubbers rifle through the collection plate and buy the big guy out. Which you know has to happen, if only to avoid further charges of racism in the Affair d’ Ty. After experiencing early success with Willing-but-unable-ham’s recruits, Weis has now slipped to a lower winning percentage than his predecessor. This guy could indeed be a worse college football coach than Mr. Personality – the mind reels at the thought. But after watching the Slighting Irish roll up exactly 91 yards of total offense and four first downs (the first of which came on the last play of the third quarter), it’s hard to envision a scenario in which Our Lady of Perpetual Fumbles will welcome Weis back into her bosom for another year of such spectacular ineptitude. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

So let’s see if the MMQB, in his admittedly tropical frame of mind, can understand this. Thirty-percent of the conference finished their schedule last week, and another 30 percent this week, and the remaining 40 percent (including the long, long. long-suffering BP&G) don’t finish until next week? And let’s see if I further understand: less than half the conference teams finish their seasons by playing their natural rivals? Nice scheduling there, Tommy. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Anyway, the Boogs escaped the winter wonderland that is Pull-my-finger-man long enough to get lei’d. Oh, they also got beat 24-10 by a really mediocre Hawaii don’t-say-we’re-rainbow-‘cuz-that’s-a-little-gay Warriors team. Your dedicated servant plans to spend the coming week in the vain search for an Islander who gives a flying f*ck. Meanwhile, in one of the season’s more bizarre games, the ASU Stun Devils destroyed the (f)UCLA Ruins 34-9, despite generating only 122 yards of total offense. You read that right, 122 yards. You can do that when your defense ties an NCAA record by scoring four TDs. The good news for Ruin QB Kevin “Better Work On His” Craft is that he threw for three TDs. The bad news is that they were all scored by the opposition. Bet he’s looking forward to squaring off against the Condom defense!

Clay Bennett, proud owner of the 2-16 Oklahoma Fart-in-A-Windstorms, was so overjoyed that his beloved Boomer Sooners being selected to play in the Big 12 title game despite having lost to the Texas Donghorns on a neutral field that he sent Conference Commissioner Dan Beebe a case of Schmidt and a dozen Rocky Mountain Spotted Oysters. “It takes balls to make that call,” Bennett laughed. “Besides, it worked with Dav
id Stern…”

And that is all for this week.  Aloha.
McTavish O’Fishlivet


November 23, 2008, 11:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Is it just me, or has this become the longest f*cking season in the entire
history of college football?  And we still have two f*cking weeks to go.
Then the bowls.  Oh God, don’t forget the f*cking bowls…

Despite having to play without our key playmaker and emotional leader, “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who was knocked out of last week’s game by a cheap-shotting Elon bastard, my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) recorded a convincing 35-10 victory over the Western Carolina Catamounts. My boys sewed up yet another Southern Conference title and a high berth in the I-AA playoffs (no BCS bullsh*t for my Mountaineers, no sirree, Bobber; we are winning this thing outright, Baby!) with a stout defensive effort. We held the defanged Catamounts without a first down for nine straight possessions, including a third quarter in which their offense accounted for a grand total of -14 yards. Ooh, Baby, I’ve got Mountaineer Fever! Catch It!


This is now without question the worst football team in history. Watching these putrid pups stumble, bumble and fumble their way to pigskin purgatory is churning up some previously repressed memories of the 1977 edition of the fighting Wildcats of Kellogg High. And, quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich), I resent the hell out of it. But I must say again, if you can manage to lose a game to this group of flea-bitten felines of the Pull-my-finger-man, you are undeniably the worst f*cking college football team I have ever seen. The Boogs, inept as they may be, at least played with a little heart. Maybe they’re all f*cking drama majors (I hear that Wazzu has yet to install Billiards as an academic discipline), but they at least acted as if they wanted to win. The boys in white and purple seemed more interested in making sure that their mamas got enough brown sugar on the Thanksgiving yams. And that, my friends, can be all the difference when you are talking about two teams so monumentally bad that each is just hoping to use the other for a life raft to avoid completely drowning in the swirling, seething cesspool that this stench-ridden, suck-ass season has become. And that failure resides like a smoldering bag of dog crap right on the front porch of the head coach, Mr. Unwillingham. I guess it’s hard to get the boys too jacked up when the most important thing on your mind is your tee-time for the morning of 12/7. I’m sorry, but when you have a terrible team down by 10 points, you need to step on their neck and break their will to live. Instead, our boys would drive convincingly into the red zone where all our blockers would suddenly and magically forget how to block, setting up our kicker, who would similarly suddenly and magically forget how to kick. Two missed FGs in regulation – one a chip shot of under 30 yards, a kick that 90 percent of high school kickers could make – could have put the (Cr)Apple Cup out of reach for the Pussies. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Then we stop them on fourth down and take over the ball with roughly two minutes to go. One first down and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Not when we can extend the opportunity to demonstrate just how mind-numbingly bad we are for a couple of OT possessions. First and goal at the seven. Score a TD and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Settle for a FG which by some miracle the kid actually f*cks up and makes. Then in the second OT, you have another very makeable FG try. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Instead, let’s shank it just for sh*ts and giggles and just give the Cougs an open door to victory and sentence yourself to a winless season. Oh, and I’m sure that everyone is really f*cking thrilled to have a bye and then come back to play Cal down there. Yep, really enthused about that little scheduling quirk. Gonna build my whole f*cking week-end around that game. This whole f*cking season is like being told that you’re going to have to sit through “Ishtar” and learning that it’s the extended director’s cut. God help me.

No doubt finding inspiration in the story of Appalachian State’s ability to overcome the loss of their starting QB, thus plucky Oregon State Barkrats kept their Rose Bowl hopes alive with a stirring, come-from-behind victory over the ‘Zona Mildcats, 19-17. Back-up Barkrat QB Sean Canfield led an offense that was further hamstrung by the loss of the league’s leading rusher Rogers the Younger on its second possession. (What a handy little quirk heading into the Civil War against the Fowls – is anyone really surprised?) But the real hero was kicker Justin Kahut, who was nearly kaput when he missed what should have been a game-tying PAT late in the fourth quarter. But there is no keeping a Mike Riley-coached team down! All they did was rally to get the ball back, drive down the field, and set up young Mr. Kahut to drill the game-winner as time expired. And now the only thing standing between our Buck-toothed Brethren and the Rose Bowl berth they so richly deserve is Mikey Bawlalotti and his band of slug-eating thugs. Clearly this is going to be a battle not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi squaring off against Darth Vader. Fortunately, Darth has been getting his porn-star ass kicked in the Bean Dip Bowl for the past decade or so. Please, oh please God, I’ve asked for so little – and received it in abundance this season – so please forgive me for asking for this one thing: Let that trend continue in the Civil Wart on Saturday!

What running? Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution would like to present people’s evidence exhibit #1473 in its case against Pathetic Ten commissioner “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen in his trial for crimes against humanity and sports fans everywhere. Who the f*ck ever heard of a conference where 40 percent of the teams [U$C, (f)UCLA, ASU and U-Ho] are idle in late November? Just when fan interest is peaking, when college football is reaching its color-and-pageantry crescendo, when teams from other conferences are playing high-profile games before rabid fans and rapt TV audiences, what does Tommy have the Pathetic Ten do but take a big f*cking powder! Not only does this stretch out the season – and test the MMQB’s patience and stamina – to the breaking point, but it also gives some teams a decided advantage heading into their rivalry games. I mean, are we really surprised that the AFLACs get two weeks to prepare before squaring off against the Barkrats next week? I mean, the two cardinal (not as in Stunnedford, but as in principal) rules of conference scheduling are: (a) always try to ensure that the Ladies of Knight are at home for their toughest games, and (b) give the Zeroes whatever other advantage you can think of through scheduling quirks and any other means necessary. In case you haven’t noticed, the MMQB is sick and f*cking tired of it. Oh, and as if anyone beyond the denizens of the Bay Area gave a rat’s ass, the Fighting Tedheads stomped the Trees 37-16. On the bright side, some Cardinal alums discovered a divine goose-liver pate and a round and creamy chardonnay featuring bright fruit and crisp acidity.

“Swervin'” Merben Woo (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo!) scored three TDs to lead undefeated Willamette to a 48-33 victory over Accidental … oops, I mean Occidental College in the first round of the NCAA Division III play-offs. The Beartats now will enjoy a week off (to be spent stuffing turkeys instead of stuffing co-eds) before they take on the defending national champion Wisconsin Whitewater Scandals on 11/29. As if anyone gives a steaming sh*t… Oh and by the way, rumor has it that Willamette is planning a special halftime ceremony to celebrate the lifetime achievements of some of its more distinguished alumni. This has absolutely nothing to do with the MMQB’s readership …

…But sometimes even that isn’t enough. West Texas A&M ran up 68 points Saturday and still managed to lose to Abilene Christian. By 25 points! The purple-clad Wildcats hung 810 yard and 93 points (including 51 in the second half) on the Buffs. Editorial note: the MMQB is having even more flashbacks regarding another group of purple-clad Wildcats, a team that struggled to reach those yardage and point totals … for a season! But enough about my career. Anyway, it appears that A&M clearly had problems adjusting to Abilene Christian’s “Hail Mary” offense.

According to Portland Business Journal, “Nike Inc. < 7B9732.html> thinks it is worth $33.8 million to see University of Washington athletes wear the company’s iconic swoosh for the next 10 years.” In discussing the deal, infamous Swooshville spokesman Wally Wafflesole said, “Yes, we think the deal could be a source of some minor embarrassment, but frankly we didn’t think they’d pay us any more than that. I mean, they’ve got the Most Beautiful Stadium in America about to fall down around their ears and everything. Besides, as long as we can continue slipping kryptonite in their jock straps and salt-peter in their water bottles, we’re willing to take a little less money from our victims … er, I mean … our valued partners in Seattle.” Somewhere, behind the Beaverton Berm, a pair of Oakley sunglasses is laughing demonically and scratching out yet another commission check to Babs Hedges. Oh, and by the way, for any MMQB readers cursed with morbid curiosity, it’s worth noting that the BP&G, which is not nearly as beloved, as purple, or as gold as it once was, is now an vomit-inducing 34-62 since that rat bastard Tinker Hatfield got his fiendish paws on our once-classic uniforms. Jesus, that won’t even get a field named for you down in Anarchy Central…


Saturday Night Dead – Somehow, the Texas Tech Red Raiders became Not Ready For Prime Time Players Saturday night, giving up 35 points in the second quarter on the way to a 65-21 beat-down at the hands of the Oklahoma Boomer Sooners. Now Tech has beaten Texas which beat Oklahoma which beat Tech. And the wheels on the bus go round and round…and the Big 12 tie breaker goes to the team rated highest-rated in the BCS. And you thought John Belushi was a laugh riot! ***** Putting the Shame in Notre Shame – Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys allowed a lame duck coach and an absolutely terrible Syrexcuse for a team score two late TDs and walk out of South Bend with a 24-23 victory. Perhaps the low point for the Rudies was blocking two punts and recovering them both inside the Orange 25 yard line and getting exactly zero points out of it. After the game, fans pelted the players with snowballs. When asked why they didn’t try to hit the coach, a group of fans replied, “he’s the size of a f*cking building and moves about as fast; where’s the challenge?” *****Will Wonders Never Cease? – A Florida State player, Myrone Rolle, was just named a Rhodes Scholar. Apparently, not every Semihole player spent his academic career dodging classes and cheating on-line. Talk about diversity … ***** Get Comfortable, Big Fella – Floyd of Rosedale is going to be staying in Iowa City for another year, after the Hawkeyes destroyed a suddenly reeling Minnesota Gopher squad, 55-zip. Sometimes you get the pig, and sometimes you get the slop. ***** You Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin'” Badgers avoided a terrible embarrassment and actually became bowl eligible (chortle) when they nipped Division I-AA Cal Poly in overtime. They “earned” the victory only because the visitors missed three PATs and their potential game-winning 46-yard FG at the end of regulation came up 15 yards short. Fifteen yards? Hey, after the (Cr)Apple Cup, maybe the BP&G should put that kid on schollie! ***** The Little Old Man From Pasadena – The Nittany Lions sewed up the Big 10/11/Whatever title with a 49-18 victory over Sparty. JoPa is going under the knife for hip replacement surgery, but promises to be ready when his Nittany Lions head out to the Rose Bowl. It will be his first visit to the Grandaddy of Them All since 1995, when his national title team beat the holy living sh*t out of some weak-ass wannabes. Ah, memories… ***** Which reminds me, is Kenny Wheaton still slinging fries at the Eugene Burgermaster? ***** Master Gators Crank Up Tebow Heisman Campaign – Urban “Legend” Myer and the powers that be in Gainesville tried to give QB Tim Tebow as many chances to shine as possible in their 70-19 win Saturday. Of course, the victim was a bad I-AA team from The Citadel. (Apparently, Washington wasn’t available.) Florida beating The Citadel is about as unexpected as Luca Brasi coming out on top against Khartoum, the race horse. ***** Blue Bayou – LSU’s Bayou Bengals lost another SEC game, this time to Ol’ Miss 31-13. There’s no punch line coming, folks – the MMQB just likes it any time he can write about Les “Is More” Miles going down to defeat. ***** And, Finally (Thank God…) – THE Ohio State University put a perfect exclamation mark on Michigan’s dismal 2008 campaign with a 42-7 victory over the Wolverines. Michigan’s seniors are the first class in school history to go five years without a win over their hated rivals. Even this year’s Husky seniors don’t have that sh*t-soaked collar hanging around their necks!


I’ll take Field Generals for 600, Alex …
Chris Peterson, head coach of Boise State
Kyle Wittingham, head coach of Utah
Pat Hill, head coach of Fresno State
Jim Mora, Jr., head coach designee of the Seattle Seahawks
Jerry Moore, head coach of Appalachian State
Brian Kelly, head coach at Cincinnati
Dave Christensen, offensive coordinator at Missouri
Gary Patterson, head coach of TCU
Jim Harbough, head coach of Stanford
Wally Rig, defensive coordinator of the Texas State Fighting Armadillos (see “Necessary Roughness”)
Chip Kelley, offensive coordinator at Oregon (Ohmigod, what am I saying?)
Robert “Achmed” Gallooshes, broken-down former utility exec and current volunteer DB coach of Portland’s Central Catholic HS
Paul “Bear” Bryant (I know the fact that he’s dead is something of a minor inconvenience, but dig the f*cker up!)

Question: Who are coaching candidates the MMQB would be just fine with taking over as the next head coach of the floundering U-Dub Husky-dawgs? I don’t care if they’re not available, dead, fictional, or even, as a last gasp, have University of Zero ties; please, in the name of all that is holy, just get the current regime the f*ck out of here!

That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Next week’s MMQB, if it arrives at all, will be a short one, probably focusing nearly exclusively on The Fighting Barkrats’ upcoming victory over the Mallards in The Civil War. However, your most humble and devoted servant won’t have a lot of time to really apply his usual comprehensive research and reporting techniques, as he will be preoccupied with applying sun-block, reading the grain on the greens, ensuring adequate daily intake of frothy beverages sporting tiny umbrellas, basking in the gentle tropical breezes and generally doing everything else one does while spending a week relaxing in sunny Hawaii.

November 16, 2008, 8:57 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

OK, OK, I know that I’ve said this before, but this week’s installment of the MMQB really IS going to be kind of short. Not sweet, but short. The reason: your humble narrator has spent much of today dealing with malfunctions in the septic system at Chez MMQB. I defy you, any of you, to find a better metaphor for this football season.

The hits just keep on coming for my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G), those plucky Mountaineers of Appalachian State. Despite our senior QB and emotional leader “Georgio” Armanti Edwards being knocked out of the game by one of those cheap-shot artist Elon bastards, we held on for a well-earned 24-16 victory. The MMQB tips his hat to the hard-hitting Mountaineer defense, which grounded the Phoenix twice on fourth and short in the final six minutes to preserve the victory. Now the only thing standing between our boys and the playoff berth that is our birth-right are the 3-8 Western Carolina Catamounts. New passengers on the Appy State bandwagon are gladly welcome!

God only knows. Real Dawgs used to wear purple. Now they are more likely to show up to TMBSiA disguised as an empty seat. Or sit at home, wearing black for the funereal stench that hangs over the program like the cloud in Achmed’s guest crapper after a certain MMQB reader had overindulged in curry and polish sausages. Or perhaps they simply wear that grimace of disgust (GOD) that pains the face of the party boy who now realizes that his last shot of tequila was one too many and that plate of jalapeno poppers isn’t going to be nearly as tasty coming up as it was going down. Saturday night’s debacle was just the latest in this season (s)hit parade. In a match-up of former University of Washington coaches, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest got the better of Mr. Personality and his (f)UCLA Ruins summarily dismissed the Mutts, 27-7. After watching the Pooch offense continue to sputter and spurt, throw 30-yard passes across the field in hopes of gaining a whole yard, and dutifully maintain its annoying bipolar personality of mixing ultra-conservative dive plays with low-percentage, Lamonica-esque “Mad Bomber” deep throws, the MMQB for one is not going to be sad to see the Tim Lappono error … I mean, era … no wait, I was right the first time … come to an unceremonious end at Montlake. This level of incompetence simply isn’t fair to the kids. These young people are putting untold hours practicing in hopes of precisely executing intricate maneuvers for our behavior. Resplendent in their purple and gold uniforms, it has to be disappointing to see their efforts appreciated by fewer and fewer fans each week. But enough about the band. The reality is that, “Mora in ’09” banner waivers notwithstanding, this program has gone down faster than Linda Lovelace on a three-day bender. Recovering from these Un-willingham depths is not going to be easy, or fast, or even certain. The MMQB is despondent. He isn’t quite suicidal yet, but he’s in the same area code. Give me hope…

Who says there’s no defense played in the Pathetic 10? Just because the University of Zero AFLACs and ‘Zona Mildcats roll up a cool hundred points between them … just because the foul / fowl “defense” nearly allowed Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong to rally his team from a 48-17 second-half deficit … doesn’t mean a damn thing, now does it? God, if only the visitors could have pulled that off .. the MMQB has a mental picture of Bawlalotti melting down on the sideline into nothing more than the pile of steaming Duck sh*t. Oh wait, that really wouldn’t be much of a change, now would it? So maybe it would be more fun to see him called onto the carpet in front of The Sunglassed One and trying to sputter out excuses about simply having too much time before running out of time. Alas, those pleasant visions are roughly the equivalent of Lenny S, Esq. fantasizing about bedding Scarlett Johannsen and making birdies on Trophy Lake’s 18th hole – simply ain’t gonna happen. Nevertheless, it is worth noting that before the game, U-Ho head coach Mikey B. was in full Bawlalotti mode, whining about the fact that his team wasn’t going to be on TV. Now understand, the MMQB would have had absolutely no problem at all if the nation had been spared further exposure to the open sore that is Husky football in favor of a little more exposure for Mikey’s minions. At this point, who really f*cking cares if his “look at me, look at me, oh please look at me” ego gets a little boost? But instead, it’s the MMQB’s job to give Mikey a quick lesson in practical realities. The combined LA and Seattle markets are … what … maybe 10 times the Portland/Eugene and Tucson markets? Even if only the smallest fraction – and judging from the number of empty seats in TMBSiA, that fraction is getting smaller all the time – of those markets are going to pay attention, it’s still a better deal for the network. Plus there is that whole matter of Decency Standards. A network could be held criminally liable if they knowingly exposed minor children to the patently obscene Foul uniforms (the latest versions are black – not dark evergreen – with black helmets and some strange feather – or bird sh*t, it’s hard to tell – graphics on the shoulder). I mean, remember, all Janet Jackson did was flash a little boob and the Stupor Bowl and you had the entire nation in an moralistic uproar. And that was for showing something that large chunks of the population don’t mind seeing at all. Just think what would ensue once innocent viewers were forced to gaze on the latest abortion from the demented mind of Tinker Hatfield. There’s no good from having people puking on their coffee tables, is there?

You’ve got to hand it to the Fighting Hairball Hackers of the Palouse: they are consistent. They continue to feature a resistible force offense (zero points for the third time in their last four games), a movable object defense (more than 30 points allowed for 9th time in 11 games), and an ER ward at the quarterback position (Kevin Lopina was knocked out of the game with a concussion). There has been some conjecture that the reason this game was only 31-0 was that Stun Devil head man Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson decided to take it easy on his former employers. Of course, with Erickson having worked for roughly half the teams in D-1 and having displayed absolutely no discernable conscience in his long career, that explanation seemed unlikely to the always insightful MMQB. Indeed, my usual detailed research has uncovered that, after the Oregon game, Pathetic 10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen sent a confidential memo to six of the seven remaining conference schools, relevant parts of which are quoted here. “It does the conference no good whatsoever,” the memo read, “to have one of its member institutions so routinely de-pantsed and embarrassed on the gridiron. For the love of God, please lay off the Cougars just a tad. You can still bitch-slap them around a bit, but let’s not let these things get out of hand.” The remaining conference school, The University of Washington, received a special version of the memo, also quoted here. It read simply, “Go for it, and good luck, punks.” And so we head into (Cr)Apple Cup week, where the amazing anomaly may occur: a winless team, on the road in a rivalry game, is likely to be favored. Such is the state of college football in the Evergreen State. Maybe Dino’s happy he doesn’t have to take the helm of this lurching ship of state…

Seven down and two to go. Those lovable OSU Barkrats just keep finding ways to win, getting one TD on a kick-off return, one after a 60+ yard punt return gave them first-and-goal at the 2, and one on an interception reception. Sandwich among all those fireworks a more traditional TD drive and a FG by Justin “In” Kahut, and you’ve got a hard-fought 34-21 victory over the visiting Fighting Tedheads of Cal. The vaunted orange-and-black now must only travel to Tucson to take on the Mildcats before ending their season in the traditional Civil War show-down with the Quacks. Fortunately, that game will be played in the Beandip Bowl and the home team has won ten of the last eleven Civil War games. (For the memory impaired, especially you delusional Duckies, the MMQB is duty-bound to note that the one exception was last year’s exciting Barkrat victory in the Concrete Bunker.) If the Boys from Cornvalley can somehow navigate these modest speed-bumps, they’ll find themselves in the Rose Bowl for the first time in 48 years. Hey, I wonder how long Riley’s contract runs… Oops, sorry, slight fantasy diversion there. In other Pathetic 10 action, the Condoms avenged last year’s upset with a big second half in a 45-23 victory over the Trees.

In small college action, the fighting U-Pay-Us Loggers ended their season on an up note, stomping the comically inept Lewis and Clark Pioneers 58-14. The victory brought the Log season tally to 3-6, a lofty result which dwarfs the record of certain other Washington-based institutions of higher learning. Meanwhile, in the Gaspumper State, the Willamette Bare Pussies prepare to host undefeated Occidental College in the first round of the Division III playoffs. Anybody cruising the net for early holiday gifts might want to check out the Tiger bookstore…

Guess You Can’t Go Home Again – Unlike Nick Saban’s successfully return to Baton Rouge last week, Steve Superior returned to The Swamp and the scene of his greatest coaching triumphs, only to see his team trounced 56-6, the worst loss in his coaching career. You might say that Gators took the Game away from the ‘Cocks. Then again, you might not… ***** Big Green Around the Gills – The Ink-Stained Wretch’s secondary alma mater, Dartmouth, completed its clean sweep of the 2008 season with Saturday’s 45-16 loss to Brown. Hey, guys, if you’re looking for a new coach, I know where you can find some available candidates… ***** Putting the Blue in Big Blue – For the first time in its 129-year football history, Michigan has lost 8 games in a season, and with tOSU coming up, can #9 be far away? Coach “Ritchie” Rich Rodriguez chalked the disappointing results up to bad scheduling, noting that the Wolverines didn’t have the benefit of having either Washington school on their slate this season. ***** Speaking of Coaching Changes – Ending the longest death-watch since Gary Gilmore, Greg Robinson finally got the axe at Syracuse. His dismissal was pretty understandable, given that his 9-36 record was actually two games worse, if you can believe that, than a certain coach who has been prowling the sidelines around these parts. Heck, that .200 winning percentage won’t even get a field named for you in Eu-f*cking-gene! ***** Bring ‘Em On – By nipping North Carolina 17-15, Maryland has now won sixth straight over Top 25 teams. You know what they say: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Which is why you’ve got to be so careful around Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis… **** Scandal Once Again Rocks FSU – The Semihole offense sputtered in Saturday’s 27-17 loss to BC after Coach Bobby Bowden was forced to suspend five wide receivers for allegedly participating in a mid-week campus brawl that sent several FSU students to the hospital. Bowden was reportedly outraged that the players were even near the brawl instead of being “safe inside, cheating on their on-line courses like they were supposed to be.”

Clay Bennett didn’t do or say a damn thing stupid this weekend. Talk about you man-bites-dog story…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

November 10, 2008, 1:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ah, really, who the f*ck even cares at this point? Some nitwits in Lubbock who haven’t seen this much gol’ darn commotion since Buddy Holly went to that big recording studio in the sky and a bunch of pig-f*ckers from Tuscaloosa who haven’t been this excited since that time that Cousin Clem got drunk and ended up shooting off the hangy-down part of his ear. Let’s just get this festering pustule of a season the f*ck over with and get on with our collective lives, OK?

…As in the red-hot Appalachian State Mountaineers, my NBB&G, who treated the Chatanooga Mocs the way my old BP&G teams used to treat visitors to the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. In short, the kicked the holy livin’ sh*t right out of them, 49-7. Next up is our big game vs. always-tough Elon. OK, admit it: How many of the MMQB’s loyal readers have even heard of the Elon (NC) University Phoenix? Well, they’re 8-2 and 6-1 in conference play, and they are a squad to be reckoned with, baby. My ‘Neers are just happy that the game will take place in Boone, in the snake pit that is Kidd Brewer Stadium. Bring ’em on, I say, bring ’em on! Then it’s a tune-up against the mediocrity that is Western Carolina and on to the play-offs! Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

There I was, putting the final touches on Chez MMQB in preparation for hosting a birthday party for a couple of Mrs. MMQB’s friends and what should I behold on the tube? Could it be? Could that score actually be correct? It must be, it’s an expensive f*cking television and the picture is quite clear. it’s right there – we are in the third quarter and the Mutts are actually ahead. As in, leading. As in, having more points than the other team. As in, oh-my-f*cking-God-when-was-the-last-time-this-happened? At this point, I became confused. My world-view was spinning dangerously out of whack. Not to worry, Ty’s troops were in the midst of settling for field goals and keeping the Stun Devils securely in the game. Had the Pups scored TDs on their first couple of second-half trips into the red zone, they might have broken the will of the visiting Tortilla Tossers, whose own historic losing streak had created a collective self-image that was about as secure as an unemployed stripper with acne, an overbite, and a unquenchable hunger for sausage and sauerkraut pizzas. In other words, if the BP&G could have just stepped on the Stun Devils’ necks just the littlest bit, the visitors from Tempe might well have melted like the ice in their coach’s scotch. But never fear, sports fans, … with only the approaching (Cr)Apple Cup as a potential obstacle standing between Ty-on-one and a season record unblemished with victory, the home team finally hit their stumbling stride. A slew of dropped passes and missed tackles later, the Stun Devils had accelerated their way to 23 unanswered points and a 39-19 victory. You know what they say: We’re going to win or die Tying…

Once again, the Trees had the Foul Fowls on the ropes and let them waddle their way to a last-second TD and the35-28 victory. The MMQB readily admits to falling down on the job. Normally, he would be able to provide ample evidence of Uncle Phil’s payola leading directly to the Ladies of the Knight hitting pay dirt. This week, he must admit that he was unable to find such evidence. For one thing, Knight’s favorite bag-man, one Browns, KR, was able to give my operative the slip. He moves with such grace for a big man, this Browns. But a more serious problem was that my crack staff of researchers spent most of the week thoroughly comparing and contrasting the academic loads carried by members of the two squads. I believe that my readers might find some of my discoveries to be of interest. Though federal privacy statutes prohibit me attaching specific names to this information, I will say that both of these “scholar-athletes” are academic juniors at their respective institutions of higher learning. As you’ll see, one institution may be a little “higher” that the other in the academic sense, while the other may be a little “higher” in every other sense.

And so, without further ado, I give you the typical Stanford player’s schedule:
English 376: Shakespeare – Themes of Love and Longing in The Tragedies
Mathematics 352: Calculus of Multiple Variables
Philosophy 410: Intersection of Logic and Ethics in Wittgenstein’s Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
Economics 428: Problems of Trend Analysis in Econometric Modeling
Physics 467: Quantum Mechanics, Chaos Theory, and Other Obtuse Conjectures

In contrast, here is the typical “academic” schedule for a representative of the University of Zero football squad:
Geology 101: Rocks for Jocks
Phys Ed 176: Advanced Billiards III: The Bank Shot
Botany 210: The Herb-an Environment
Phys Ed 310: The Joy of the Joystick (held conveniently in the AFLAC locker room)
Economics 110: Bartering Your Way to Fun, Profit, and No Conference Sanctions

It amazes the MMQB that his beloved Mutts of Montlake can be so monumentally, epically bad and yet he is able to gaze across the Cascades and derisively say to himself, “thank God we’re not in their cleats.” Actually, in all fairness (and the MMQB is nothing if not the model of fairness and perspective) the Fighting Hairball-Hackers of the Palouse probably deserve congratulations for Saturday’s game. After all, they finally kept a legitimate Pathetic Ten offense under 60 points, holding Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and the rest of the Mildcats to an embarrassingly low output of only 533 yards and 59 points. You can bet those boys will be running stairs when they get their asses back to Tucson. Meanwhile, the goal posts were narrowly saved at Martin Stadium as crazed fans poured on the field, Autzen Style, to celebrate the narrow 31 point margin of defeat; it was, after all, their team’s closest game in more than a month. So they got that going for them. On the other paw, Coach “Big Bad” Wulff’s troops have now passed the historic 500 points-allowed barrier and with three games still to go (OK, two games plus the Dawgs) are well on their way to shattering the ineptness barrier the way Chuck Yeager once historically broke the sound barrier. On the bright side for Furball Fans, the team will soon be escaping the winter doldrums (which is code for nut-freezing conditions) in Pullman with a well-deserved trip to the land of the taut pierced tummy and g-string coeds, where they will square off against former Wazzu coach Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson and the rest of the Stun Devils, themselves ironically fresh off a victory over the only conference team threatening the Coug domination of all “Most Pathetic” statistical categories. The outlook (if not a single player) is bright in Pull-my-finger-man, my friends. Why even WSU cornerback Romeo “Wherefore art thou?” Pellum is predicting “we should finally get a Pac-10 win” this week. You’ve got to love the kid’s brash enthusiasm, if not his intellect (admittedly a rare commodity at Wazzu). I’m guessing young Romeo really struggles with math,- the early Vegas line tabs the Stun Devils as a 38-point favorite.

The surging OSU Barkrats went down to Tinseltown and administered a good, old-fashioned 34-6 gnawing to a UCLA Ruin team that seems to be growing softer and softer by the week. Honestly, any true fan of good, solid football had to enjoy this result. After all, one of the teams is coached by an unassuming solid guy, a class act, and a man who approaches his job in an honest, humble fashion, a disciplined coach that turns boys into men and whose teams always seem to improve as the season progresses. The other team is coached by Slicky Ricky Sweatervest. Need I say more? Well, you can bet that the MMQB and 12,467 of his closest friends will have plenty to say to the (f)UCLA coach when he makes his first return trip to the scene of the crime next Saturday night. Meanwhile, U$C continues to struggle on the offensive side of the ball, an inexplicable weakness that is keeping Pete “Christmas” Carroll from rolling up the impressive scores needed to move the Condoms up to the loftiest perches of the BCS where they really belong, given their payroll. Nevertheless, the Toejams’ 17-7 victory over the Fighting Tedheads keeps them lurking menacingly in the wings should the Barkrats slip up in any of their remaining games.

The Pac-10 conference investigation into shocking allegations that Reggie Bush might possibly have received improper benefits during his Heisman Trophy-winning career at U$C is now entering its third year. The paragon of care and thoroughness, conference investigators are trying to determine whether the $70,000 car and $500,000 suburban townhouse were serious enough infractions to be mentioned in the same breath as the infamous fruit-basket scandal at UW in the early 1990s.

Willamette beat U-Pay-Us 49-27. In keeping with a D-1 tradition firmly established by the Pathetic Ten’s own “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, the team from Washington had to visit Oregon. Reports are that the vaunted student-athletes from U-Pay-Us never recovered from a logistical glitch that cost them valuable warm-up time. The team’s arrival in Salem was delayed by roughly two hours while their diesel charter buses were erroneously refueled with unleaded by a 17-year-old high school drop-out named Clem in the suburbs of Portland…

Rocky Times for Top Rocky Topper – Despite being the third winningest active coach in D1 and barely a decade removed from a national title, Phil Fullmer is being shown the door in Knoxville. Fullmer can’t have gone suddenly stupid – the University is going to have to pay him something like $6 million to not coach the Vols. Meanwhile, his team decided to go out and really show the home fans that they were still behind their coach. Wyoming 13 – Tennessee 7. Don’t let the door hit you in the ample posterior on the way out, Phil… **** I Get A Kick Out of You – Iowa’s Daniel Murray kicked a last-second FG to secure a 24-23 win over Penn State and rob JoPa of what might be his last shot at a national title. Of course, as long as that picture of Joe hidden away in Happy Valley continues aging, he might be around when Danny’s son is kicking for the Hawkeyes… ***** Save A Horse, Torch a Cowboy – Oklahoma State’s defensive backs were turned every which way but loose by Red Raider QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell, who threw for six TDs in Texas Tech’s 56-20 rout over OSU. Meanwhile, Harrell’s mad genius coach Mike Leach will have two weeks to come up with new insanity to bedevil the DB’s at that other cow-college in Oklahoma. ***** What A Difference A Year Makes – Last year, Ron Zook seemed to have finally put the fiascos behind him and turned the corner at Illinois, leading his team to a Big Ten (Eleven, Whatever) title and a Rose Bowl date with U$C. Now, after a 23-17 upset loss to Western Michigan, the Illini are back to a mediocre .500. You just know the websites can’t be far behind… *****No Offense, Charlie – The Weis Guys were blanked by Boston College (aka Catholic Lite) 17-0. It was the first time Eagles have ever shut out the Rudies. Apparently some Chicago alumni are circulating a petition to declare the South Bend artwork, “No Touchdown Jesus.” ***** Guess You Can Go Home Again – Former LSU coach Nick Saban led his top-ranked Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers into the City of the Red Stick and came out with a 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers. Saban immediately asked whether he got paid time-and-a-half for the overtime period.

For the Oklahoma Boomer Sooner trip to College Station, super OU fan Clay Bennett donned an extra large “12th Man” tee-shirt. When asked what he was hoping to accomplish with the get-up, Clay replied that he was inspired by seeing another Seattle franchise owner whipping up rabid fan support with the 12th man flag. Informed that this issue was something of a sore point with A&M fans, Bennett immediately replied, “Have I mentioned that the Thunder won a game last week?”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – This message was not approved or endorsed by any candidate for office…

November 3, 2008, 12:25 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This is going to have to be kind of a short one, sports fans. Not only does your most humble and obedient servant, your trusted font of color and pageantry, have pressing work obligations, but he also must sadly report that prolonged exposure to this festering dung-heap of a college football season is threatening to turn his once-nimble cranial assets into a quivering mass of rotting lutefisk. This is clearly not a good thing.

It was another all-around great effort as the suddently surging Appy State Mountaineers pounded the visiting Wofford Terriers, 70-24. Led by “Georgio” Armanti Edwards’ career high 367 yards and five touchdowns passing, our offensive juggernaut rolled up 620 total yards. Our opportunistic defensive forced five turnovers. The victory moved the MMQB’s now-beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) to a cool 7-2. Following a seemingly easy game against the 1-8 Chattanooga Mocs, we’ll have the big show-down with 7-2 Elon for the Southern Conference championship. And then it’s off to the playoffs, where my boys will attempt to add a fourth-straight national championship. Go Mountaineers!

It does the MMQB’s heart good just to soak up a scene like this. Talented athletes making play after miraculous play. The unique camaraderie of rabid fans first camping out overnight, joining together to scream themselves hoarse in support of the home team’s valiant efforts against a favored and despised foe, and then, overcome with emotion, storming the field after their beloved team actually pulls off the improbable victory. This is the color. This is the pageantry. This is, unfortunately, miles from Montlake. But in Lubbock, Texas, where the Red Raiders licked the Bevos, life is good. And, in one of the feel-good stories of the college football season, life is especially good for one Matt Williams. A few weeks ago, he was just a frat boy in the stands, sucking down a few brewskis and trying to feel up an Alpha Phi. Then we was plucked out of the stands for one of those hokey halftime contests in which he drilled a 30-yard FG for free apartment rent. Tech’s Mad Scientist Coach, fed up with scholarship kickers missing six PATs in the team’s first seven games, invited Williams to walk on, and the kid has actually become the starting kicker for the number two team in the latest BCS ratings. He had four PAT’s and two FG’s in the amazing, last-second 39-33 victory over previously undefeated Texas. And as a result, one Matt Williams now has his choice of any nubile young Alpha Phi he carnally desires. Alas, the world is nothing if not one big teeter-totter, and for every incredible high there must be a countervailing desperate low. Which brings us right square back to the football teams of Washington’s two major research universities. These two teams, if we can call them that, are definitely putting the Pathetic back into the Pathetic Ten. Abysmal. Atrocious. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Appalling. Despicable. Pitiful. Disgraceful. Disgusting. Inept. Ghastly. These two sinking bilge buckets, overflowing with the accumulated crap of a thousand generations, would challenge even the esteemed Messr. Roget himself to find an adjective that could adequately capture their collective stench. They are, in three words: just f*cking bad. To wit, with North Texas State’s victory, the Bumbling Purple and Gold now find themselves all alone in the D-1 crapper of winlessness. And they managed to remain victory virgins in a truly vomit-inducing fashion: the Condoms had nearly covered the 46 point spread by half-time, having scored TDs on each of their first six drives. The Pooches, in contrast, went three-and-out on five of their first six possessions (none of which could be remotely described as a drive) and were down 35-zip before notching their inaugural first down. And yet, remarkably, the Fleabags’ 56-zip loss was not the most ignoble defeat suffered by a team from The Evergreen State this past weekend. That particular dishonor goes to the Fighting Hairballs of the Palouse, who managed to stumble, bumble and fumble (five turnovers) their way to a 58-zip loss at the hands of the Stunneford Trees. Wazzu has now given up 350 points in conference play, more than any other team in history. With three more Pac-10 games to go, and a little effort, they should be able to set a record for futility that can never be matched. So they’ve got that going for them. Meanwhile, in the wake of this weekend’s 114-nothing (nada, zip, nil, nix, f*cking zero) dumpage for our state’s two big schools, one has to wonder whether this year’s (Cr)Apple Cup will finally threaten the twenty-five year reign of the 1983 Civil War, which ended in a zero-zero tie of mutual incompetence, as the ugliest game in college football history.

Please, for the love of God, don’t make me go on…

There’s an old saying about water off a duck’s ass. And Saturday’s game in Berkeley had plenty of water and plenty of Duck asses hanging out. Despite being relegated to their second-string QB, the almost supernaturally inconsistent and comically immobile Nate “Not So Great” Longshore, the Fighting Tedfords held off the invaders from Anarchy Central 26-16, in a match-up of teams donning two of Tinker Hatfield’s more stomach-turning uniform designs. We can only hope that Saturday’s game is the beginning of that most revered of college football traditions, the AFLAC’s annual November swoon.

The resilient OSU Barkrats shook off the loss of their starting QB and still held off the invading ASU Stun Devils, 27-25. The victory was sealed when the Barkrat defense intercepted Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter’s two-point conversion pass with 21 seconds left. Unlike a certain coach who shall remain nameless from down the road, Barkrat head man Mike “Life Of” Riley always seems to have his teams improving throughout the season. As a result, the overachieving Barkrats still control their own destiny with four games to go in the Pathetic Ten conference race. If the OSU elevator is going up, the ASU elevator is in a free-fall plummet to the big basement like Mickey Rourke in “Angel Heart.” The Stun Devils have suffered six straight defeats, a streak that may not end up until they square off against the Montlake Mutts. The current skid is the longest losing streak at ASU since 1929, which coincidentally was another year marked by interesting developments on Wall Street. This kind of losing probably is enough to make a coach take a good, stiff drink. Oops, too late…

The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-US notched another close-but-no-cigar performance in a 32-24 loss to Linfield. The game kept the Fighting Logs winless in conference play and secured an NCAA record 53rd consecutive winning season for Linfield. (Remember when a slightly larger school up the road from U-Pay-Us enjoyed a long streak of winning seasons?) Oh, and by the way, Willamette vaulted into the D-3 top 10 despite sitting out the weekend.

Perhaps He Was Well-Rested – Central Michigan’s back-up QB Brian Brunner threw for 485 yards and four touchdowns and ran for another score in his team’s 347-34 upset of the Indiana Hoosier-“Daddies.” Imagine what would have happened if their starter could have played! ***** A Game or A Career? – Stephen S. “Exh”Austin State QB Jeremy Moses set NCAA records with 57 completions and 85 attempts, rolling up 501 yards and four TD’s passing. Oh yeah, the Lumberjacks lost 34-31 in double OT to Sam Houston State. ***** The Rising Tide – Alabama rolled to a workmanlike 35-0 victory over Arkansas State. Apparently B-Y-E was unavailable. ***** This Ain’t the Movies, Fat Charlie – Hollywood thinks things always work out for the Domers, but in the real world Pitt first tied the game on a fourth-down TD pass and then kicked FGs in each of four overtime periods to nip Notre Shame. The Fighting Rudies have always feasted on the Little Sisters of the Poor, but the contrast is now stark as the Bead-rubbers are 0-9 against teams with winning records since the second week of the 2006 season. No wonder they’re begging to schedule U-Dub… ***** How The Mighty Have Fallen – Michigan’s 33-year streak of bowl appearances is over, as Big Blue fell to 2-7 by losing 48-42 to Purdue. The Boilermakers scored the winning TD on a last-second hook-and-lateral play that was eerily reminiscent of Boise State’s winning play in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. In fact, when the highlight was shown on the big-screen at Sooner Stadium, 14 fans went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Sooner Than Expected – Oklahoma rushed to a 35-0 first quarter lead on a way to a 62-28 victory over Nebraska. At that point, Cornholer coach Bo “Knows” Pellini went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Good news / bad news – Iowa State’s Leonard Johnson broke the major-college game record for kick-off return yardage with 319 yards. The bad news is that he had plenty of chances, as his team was creamed by Oklahoma State, 59-17. If only his teammates could have been a little sh*ttier on defense, he might have really done something. ***** Way To Finish Strong – Michigan State nipped Wisconsin, 25-24. The “We Don’t Need No Stinkin'” Badgers” had led by 11 with 9:19 to go, but choked on their collective bratwursts and couldn’t close the deal. In fact, their collapse was the most pathetic home stretch performance by a Wisconsin athlete since the last time one Lenny Sorrin, Esq. tackled the 18th hole at Trophy Lake. ***** Speaking of Finishing Strong – Every QB dreams of one of his passes resulting in a game-winning score in the waning seconds of a tight, hard-fought game. Minnesota QB Adam Weber is no exception and on Saturday his dream came true. Unfortunately, the pass was deflected into the waiting arms of Northwestern linebacker Brendan Smith who promptly returned the interception 48 yards for the deciding score in the Mildcats’ 24-17 victory. Need to be a little more specific there, Adam …

Clay Bennett has begun wearing a hounds-tooth fedora, ala Paul “Bear” Bryant. No one knows exactly why…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

October 28, 2008, 1:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


Let’s hear it for the Appalachian State Mountaineers, whose never-say-die spirit lead to their fifth straight victory Saturday, an important 26-14 come-from-behind victory over Furman. Yes, I admit that we might have had a little problem stopping Tersoo Uhaa (talk about a name that sounds like a social disease: “oh, stay away from him, Madge; he has a raging case of the tersoo uhaa!”). The elusive Paladin rambled for 99 yards and two TDs, but the Mountaineers were able to counter with the ever-steady “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who came through with 186 yards passing and two TDs. Bring on Wofford!


In the words of one Richard Milhaus Nixon, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a candidate for the head coaching job of the University of Washington football team, those lovable Mutts of Montlake, the Beloved Purple and Gold, celebrated in song and story, #1 in your hearts and, unfortunately, #119 in your program. If offered the position of head coach, I will flee to Canada. If hired, I will fight extradition. Rumor has it that the U-Dub athletic office has already received 432 fax transmissions regarding the job. Unfortunately, they’re all from D-1 head coaches, coordinators, and NFL assistances, respectfully begging to join the MMQB in the “Oh Hell, No” pile. However (and remember that you heard it here first), MMQB sources do report that a little-know high school assistant coach from the greater Portland area has emerged as the leading candidate at this early juncture. Beyond the months of rampant (and often delusional) speculation that will mark the next in our seemingly endless series of rebuilding projects, the MMQB is sad to report that he is finding it extremely hard to muster much enthusiasm for the rest of the season. As long as we have the Human Postage Stamp leading the team, we should expect nothing more than yet another mail-it-in performance every Saturday. The Rumpled Publisher and I must be about two Pro V’s short of a full sleeve, because we both were stupid enough to make the trek to the MBSiA late Saturday afternoon to watch the Pooches square off against Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys. Therefore, I did not have an opportunity to watch the TV broadcast, as I have long since abandoned my early 90’s habit of recording every minute of every U-Dub game for ritual replaying at later dates. (That reminds me; it’s been at least a year since I’ve seen the “All I Saw Was Purple” U$C game of 1990 or even the Whammy in Miami from 1994. But I digress … anything to avoid thinking about this year’s edition.) So where was I? Oh yeah, TV. Just wondering, was there any chance that ESPN apologized to the national TV audience for exposing them to that dreck? Maybe a warning that the images on the screen were not fit for young children? I mean, the entire nation gets its panties in the bunch when Janet Jackson flashes a tit for a nanosecond during the Super Bowl halftime hoo-hah, but no one is looking at the damage prolonged exposure to this football team could be inflicting on the youth of ‘Merica? I didn’t think I personally could get any lower than the agony of a home loss to Nevada during the Gilby regime. But I’m beginning to think of those as the good old days. Through three-and-a-half quarters, the vaunted offense of Timmy “8 Inches and a Cloud of Field Turf” Lappano had netted us 55 yards. That’s right, sports fans, fifty-f*cking-five f*cking yards. 22 yards in the first quarter – couldn’t possibly get any worse, could it? Wrong-o, Pigskin Breath! 16 yards in the second. Well, it’s got to get better after the world-famous Willingham halftime adjustments, right? Guess again, oh Sage Chronicler of Color and Pageantry! 13 yards in the third. And so it goes… I hate to say it, but that kind of offensive juggernaut is enough to give the MMQB flashbacks to his own storied career under center. I don’t believe that we entered the Rudy end of the field until well into that final stanza and I’m pretty sure that the only reason we scored was that the Bead Rubbers inserted Sister Mary Kate, Sister Mary Catherine, Sister Mary Alice, and Sister Mary Mary into the defensive backfield for our last series. We were so f*cking bad that we got an illegal substitution penalty on the first play of the second half. (An accomplishment that can only be topped by last week’s delay-of-game on the first play of the game … after a bye week. I mean, if you have two weeks and still can’t get the play in…) On defense, well, we are not … good. Our tackling has slipped right past pathetic into comedic territory. We forced a grand total of zero punts. The one time the Micks lined up to punt, our team was so shocked that they barely noticed the guy running past them with the fake for 30 or 40 yards. (Though my personal favorite may have been the time we had our punt return team on the field when Notre Shame was clearly going for it on fourth down. On the bright side, the guy who was 50 yards downfield probably would have had as good a chance as any other defender to tackle the ball carrier, eventually, if our crack coaching staff hadn’t wised up to what 60,000 or so fans noticed right away…) At this point, every time I think of U-Dub football, I have flashbacks to “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Our team used to be a little like Randall Patrick McMurphy – maybe a little wild, but a helluva lot of fun to watch. Then in came “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, doing his best Nurse Cratchett impersonation, and with the help and encouragement of the rest of our Pathetic 10 brethren, ol’ Tommy ensured that our entire program was well and truly lobotomized. So we’re left there, laying listless on the cold, white sheets like a dead carp that’s washed up on the beach and just continues to smell worse and worse as the weeks drag by. All we need now is to have the chief sneak quietly into our room and place a big f*cking pillow firmly over our face and put us out of our misery. Next up, without salvation, we have U$C … COUGS LET THE SPOTLIGHT OF SUCKAGE SHINE EXCLUSIVELY ON THE MUTTS In good news for the long-suffering fans of the Fighting Fur-balls of the Palouse, the Pussies did not fall victim to another Pac-10 drubbing on Saturday. Instead, the team took the time off to organize a flag football game against the Pull-my-finger-man chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. The bad news is that they still lost 53-24, primarily due to their inability to contain Ethel “Crazy Hips” Cunningham, an unusually spry octogenarian FB who rambled for 177 yards and four TDs for the Patrioettes. . They did, however, manage to keep their QB healthy through the entire game and hold the DAR under 60 points, so they’ve got that going for them.


Long-time readers may recall that I am no fan of Dennis Erickson. I believe that he is an NCAA violation just waiting to happen. I believe that he recruits athletes with little regard to whether or not they can spell their own names, much less participate in college-level classes. His players generally have less trouble avoiding tacklers than they do the long arm of the law, and as often as not are not appropriate representatives of an institution ostensibly dedicated to the pursuit of higher learning. So frankly, I’m never overly upset when the lawless one gets taken down a few notches, as seems to be happening this season. The Stun Devils, once thought to be potential challengers to the Condom domination of the conference and nearly certain contenders for a bowl slot, are in the midst of a five-game losing streak and this coming week must visit Denny’s former stomping grounds (and I’m not talking about the Crow’s Nest Tavern in Everett). Nope, next week it’s a return engagement in Cornvalley where Denny’s gonna get grand-slammed. Relief appears nowhere in sight … no wait, there it is the following week, when they play the Dawgs. Anyway, despite my ill-will toward Mr. Erickson, really careful readers may have also picked up on a few subtle hints I have dropped from time to time regarding my mild distaste for the University of Oregon football team and its coach, one Mr. Michael Bellotti. So the MMQB is quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich) not really sure how to feel about the fact that the AFLACs have once again waddled their foul feathered asses over the line of good sportsmanship, not when the victims of this particular transgression was none other than Mr. Erickson. I mean, really, when your two most recent rent-a-backs “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson and LeGarrette Blount “Instrument” have already run for two TDs apiece and you are enjoying a 47-13 lead in the other guy’s stadium, do you really need to have your QB throw a 62 yard TD pass with 5:27 left to play just so you can push the lead to 41 points? What is it with you Mikey? What deep psychological need isn’t getting filled? I mean, really, didn’t Mommy stuff her boobie in your mouth enough when you a wee little webfoot to make you feel all loved?


Slicky Ricky Sweatervest seems right on track to bring his brand of football to Westwood. The Ruins gave up 24 straight points in the fourth quarter as the Fighting Tedheads of Cal broke open a close game and pulled away for 41-20 victory. Following the game, the always-eloquent (f)UCLA coach sang the praises (thankfully without his usual guitar accompaniment) of his team’s passing defense. It’s true that the Ruin D held Cal to a mere 153 yards passing yards, after having allowed a miserly 93 yards passing total in its last two games, a victory over Stunnedford and a loss to the AFLACs. Of course, stats can be a little misleading, as those three teams really saw no reason to pass the ball much, averaging as they did more than 300 yards on the ground apiece. And, true to the Sweatervest heritage, his team was an equal opportunity participant in the line-of-scrimmage domination department, as Cal held the Ruins to 16 net rushing yards. All things considered, the Ruins really turned in a well-rounded performance on offense (4 interceptions), defense (giving up a 60 yard TD pass on a flea flicker) and special teams (picking up 22 yards on a fake punt on fourth-and-23). Yep, the MMQB may not be an expert, but I’m guessing the football monopoly in Los Angeles is going to be good and healthy for a few weeks yet. Speaking of which, U$C posted a 17-10 victory over a ‘Zona team still reeling from the Lute Olsen retirement announcement earlier in the week. (Not that ‘Zona is a basketball school or anything…) Anyway, about the only thing of note in the game was that the Mildcats were flagged for exactly one penalty for 15 yards. What’s the big deal? Well, it comes one week after they had absolutely no penalties in their win over Cal. For those of you not keeping track (and really, why would you when you have the MMQB to do it for you?) that is the first time a Pathetic Ten team has gone penalty-free in a game since 2001, and only the 8th time since 1959! I would suggest that the Mildcat accomplishment is something to really celebrate, but then again you can’t risk drawing one of those pesky excessive celebration flags…


The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us continue to work their season-long strategy to perfection, setting up Willamette for an upset of Biblical proportions. On Saturday, the Logs bowed 14-7 to their bitter cross-town rivals, the PLUtes. Meanwhile, Willy’s Armpit was busy dispatching their own bitter rivals, the Linfield Who-The-Hell-Knows-And-Who- The-Hell-Cares, 52-28. The victory sent the Beartats to an impressive 8-0 and a #11 national ranking in the D-3 polls. Any chance they’d like to take on the Pooches?


What a Difference a Week Makes – Last week, Mizzu was getting Ned Beatty’d by Texas, finding themselves down 35-zip at the half before eventually surrendering 591 yards and 56 points to the Donghorns. This week, they were administering the … well, you know … as they blasted Coach Moonbeam and the Buffs 58-0. Which Tiger team will show up for next week’s clash with Baylor? ***** And They Say We Don’t Play Defense in the Pac 10? – Oklahoma and K-State battled to a 28-28 tie … with eight minutes to go in the second quarter. The score at the half was 55-28 and the teams ended up with more than 1000 yards of total offense in the 58-35 Sooner victory. Of course, that means the teams only combined for 10 second-half points. Could be good coaching adjustments at the half … or the kids were too f*ckin’ tired to walk by then. ***** Not a Good Day To Be From Kansas – While the K-State Mildcats were busy getting dusted by the Sooners, the Jayhawks were busy getting rock-blocked by Texas Tech. The Red Raiders ran up 556 yards of offense and scored 63 points on the afternoon. Dorothy? Dorothy? Where are you, Dorothy? *****Thank You, JoPa! – Penn State nipped THE Ohio State University 13-6. College football fans across the land can now sleep easy, as the loss, coupled with the F*ckeyes’ earlier lambasting at the hands of U$C, should eliminate tOSU from any consideration for another national title game debacle. ***** Impressive Feet Lead to Impressive Feat – Knowshon Moreno quieted the notoriously rowdy LSU crowd with an amazing 68 yard run that gave Georgia a three TD lead in the third quarter on their way to a 52-38 victory. Even more impressively, the Bulldog victory temporarily quieted Les “Mouth of the South” Miles, though he was later heard arguing that a Tiger team with two losses still should be able to get into the BCS title game. ***** The Nutt House – Ol’ Miss held off a late Arkansas rally to give coach Houston Nutt a victory over his former team. The issue wasn’t settled until the very end, as the Hogs scored a late TD and recovered an onside kick before the Rebel defense finally held. Essentially, Nutt allowed the Razorback faithful to get their hopes up before squashing them – a process not unlike his entire 10-year career in Fayatteville. ***** Didn’t Want To Peak Too Soon – Virginia beat No. 21 Georgia Tech 24-17 and is now in first place in the ACC’s Coastal Division, despite having lost three of their first four games by an average of 36 points. The school may want to adopt Lazarus as its new mascot. ***** Fancy Passing or Just a Passing Fancy? — The normal grind-it-out Rutgers offense was replaced by a veritable flying circus Saturday, as QB Mike Teel threw for six TDs in the Scarlet Knights’ 54-34 upset of #17 Pitt. Poor kid’s arm hasn’t gotten a work-out like that since the first time he stole a Victoria’s Secret calendar. ***** Urban Legend – Coach Meyer and the Master Gators seem to be clicking on all cylinders as Saturday’s 63-5 victory over Kentucky indicates. After the game, a defiant Mildcat coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks, dismissed media inquiries about his Florida counterpart, declaring, “Let Mr. Big-Shot come back to me when he has a field named after him!” *****OK, Let’s Do the Same Thing, But With Gophers – Much to Carl Spackler’s dismay, those pesky Gophers continue to run wild, as Minnesota topped Purdon’t, 17-6. Joe Tiller obviously just wants to get this last season over. Hey, Joe, how about inviting Ty over to compare notes?


young Nick “Give ‘Em The” Finger, a senior RB at Millbrook (NY) HS, who scored a state-record 58 points in his team’s 66-57 victory over Tri-Valley. He ran 40 times for 485 yards, 8 TDs and five two-point conversions. The real question is, who scored the other 8 points? No, check that, the real question is whether the kid likes Seattle. I don’t care whether scouting services consider him D-1 material. Only about six guys on our roster are…


Clay Bennett rushed to defend embattled and soon-to-be-former (not to be confused with form-to be sooner) UW football coach Ty Willingham, saying that “I know what makes a winner, and I know a real winner when I see one.” In related news, the Oklahoma City Thunder have rushed to a 1-6 record in pre-season NBA action.

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

October 20, 2008, 11:17 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the BP&G 0-6, a big fat f*ckin doughnut-for-six, one of only two winless I-A teams, and proud owners of the nation’s longest losing streak … well, times are nothing if not desperate. So the MMQB hereby declares that he is throwing his loyalties toward a new team for the remainder of the 2008 season. I hereby declare that I will be cheering on Appalachian State to I-AA glory. For those of you not keeping track, after Saturday’s thrilling 37-36 comeback victory over Georgia Southern, the Mountaineers are 5-2 (with one of the losses coming to LSU), but are 3-0 and tied for second place in the always-tough Southern Conference. We (notice how quickly I adopt the possessive tense?) have big games coming up on three of the next four Saturdays against Furman, Wofford, and conference leading Elon. Anybody know where I can get an Appy State hat?

Sometimes, watching college football can be very educational. For instance, the MMQB had never really understood that whole Butterfly Effect thing before. (Stay with me, sports fans, this will all make sense eventually – I hope.) The Butterfly Effect is used in chaos theory to describe how small variations in the initial conditions of a dynamic system may produce large variations in the long-term behavior of the system. The phrase refers to the idea that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings could create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately delay, accelerate, alter the path or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. (Got that?) So, what the f*ck has this got to do with the color and pageantry of college football, you ask? Here’s what: if a little over two decades ago, a certain Mr. Rodgers had just stopped on the way home from work a couple times and picked up a box of Durex ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms, then maybe, just maybe, the miserable Mutts of Montlake wouldn’t have been outscored 28-13 by the fruits of his loins. Maybe, just maybe, the poor, pathetic Pooches would have been competitive, rather than losing their fifth straight to the Barkrats, 34-13. Nah, this is where that whole chaos theory sh*t breaks down. Any team that allows over 400 yards of total offense to every team that waltzes onto the field with it, any team that connects on less than half of its field goal attempts, any team that week after week gives up four turnovers, any team that can’t tackle a nun in a wheelchair, any team that has sacked the opposing QB three times … not in a quarter, not in a half, not in a game, but in the entire f*ckin’ season – well, can you see where I’m going with this? – well, that team isn’t going to win much of anything. Except maybe the Apple Cup. Meanwhile, Go Mountaineers!

No matter how f*cked up things are at Montlake, they can’t hold a candle to the thermo-nuclear dung heap Coach “Big Bad” Wulff and company dealing with in Pull-my-finger-man. It does the MMQB’s grizzled heart good simply to compile a short list of examples of the Hairball Hackers’ ineptitude: (#1) the 69-0 whitewashing was the worst defeat in the history of a program that has seen more than its share of really, really bad football over the years; (#2) the Boogs have now played five Pathetic Ten games and have allowed more than sixty points in four of the five; (#3) against U$C, which was playing its (albeit 4- and 5-star recruit) scrubs much of the game, the Palouse Pussies amassed an amazing four first downs, 116 total yards and were an unlucky 1-13 on third downs; and (my personal favorite, #4) the itty-bitty puddy-tats never – as in, not one f*cking time – crossed midfield. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that happening before. Good God…

Relieved of the pressure of an actual game, the Quackers put their webbed feet up on the coffee table and spent most of the week playing Grand Theft Auto IV on the plasma screens in their hoity-toity locker room. A handful of the players complained that the game’s theft scenes were unrealistic and the assault and rape sequences simply couldn’t compare with the visceral thrill of their real life experiences, but most enjoyed it. Others used the time off to catch up on their studies. Popular classes included: Career Options 101: Your Future Pumping Gas; Financial Management 251: Leveraging Complimentary Tickets into Big Bucks; Phys Ed 358: The Wheaton Interception Nanosecond By Nanosecond, and, of course, the ever-popular Phys Ed 172: Introduction to Billiards.

Other than the “fun” festivities in The Evergreen State, who really cares what the f*ck went on elsewhere in the Pathetic Ten? No one? Thought so. But the MMQB, always the pleasant, service-minded scribe, will provide the following quick updates for his loyal (aka, delusional and deeply disturbed) readers. The (f)UCLA Ruins nipped the Stunnedford Tree, 23-20 on a TD pass from Kevin “Landing” Craft to Cory Harkey “The Herald Angels Sing” with 10 seconds remaining. Following the game, Ruin coach Slicky Ricky Sweatervest crowed, “It’s always a thrill to outsmart these guys; they think they’re so brilliant, but I am the true Jedi master.” Norm Chow, who had previously talked Ricky out of benching Craft, immediately began working on his resume. Meanwhile, in Tucson, the Mildcats improved to 5-2 with a 42-27 win over the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. QB Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and freshman RB Keola Antolin (a name that requires no nickname) led a furious Mildcat in the third quarter, as the Mildcats scored 28 points and overcame a 10-point half-time deficit. Stoop(id)s now has his team at 5-2, and a sixth win and bowl eligibility seem inevitable with five games left and Washington State still on the schedule. In fact, the Mildcats are a one-point, last-minute loss to Stunnedford and an unforgivable and inexplicable loss to a bad New Mexico team from being undefeated. Of course that will probably all change with U$C coming to town next week. Still, with things apparently on the rebound – at least temporarily – in Tucson, it leaves only Ty-One-On Willing-But-Not-Able-Ham on the Pathetic10 coaching hot-seat. Buns a little toasted there, Ty?

Two teams, opposite directions. The U-Pay-Us Logs battled the mighty Whitworth Pirates to a 7-7 stand-off at the half in the Pine Bowl before being nipped 28-0 in the second half. Meanwhile, the cheating bastards of Willamette (CBW) improved to 7-0 with a 45-16 shellacking of the PLUtes in Parkland. The Bare Pussies are now 7-0, averaging 42 points per game, and ranked in the top 20 of Division III. (Of course, a ranking in D-3 is about as impressive as being the best-looking female weightlifter in Bulgaria, but that’s beside the point.) You better not be reading your press clippings, boys, because if you somehow get past Linfield, there is going to be a snarlin’ pack of nasty Loggers just waiting to chop you down a notch or two…

Apparently You Don’t Need To Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Normally, when you’re trying a winning FG in the waning moments and it gets blocked, you’re stuck. But not Akron, where Andy “The Holder” Hildreth snatched up the ball and ran for a first down to set up the winning TD against Eastern Michigan. This set up an even more rare occurrence: a holder getting laid. ***** Really Don’t Need These Stinkin’ Badgers – Wisconsin lost to Iowa 38-16 to fall to 0-4 in the Big Ten Plus One for the first time since 1996. Surprisingly, sales of brauts and beer remains unaffected. ***** BCS Busters Busted – Proving the MMQB correct once again (see MMQB, week #2), B-Y-Who went down, and I do mean d-o-w-n, to Texas Christian, 32-7. As the Polygamists learned, religious conflicts are never pretty… ***** The Price Isn’t Right – After battling Tulsa to a 28-28 first quarter tie, Mike Price’s UTEP team ran out of steam and were outscored 49-7 the rest of the way. This was more than a Miner problem…. *****Cowboy Up! – Oklahoma State improved to 7-0 with an impressive 34-6 victory over Baylor. Yes, this is the same Bear team that destroyed Wazzu – so, what’s your point? **** Buyer’s Remorse – Anybody else think that Michigan is a little worried about Richie Rich Rodriguez after the Wolverines wasted a 17-7 lead in falling 46-17 to Penn State? If they’d only shopped at Nordstrom, they could get their money back.

As the Oklahoma Sooners got back on track with a victory over Kansas, Clay Bennett once again had that acquisitional gleam in his eye. This week he is rumored to have approached displaced and disgraced Clemson coach Tommy Bowden with an offer to buy Howard’s Rock, the inspirational monument that marks the Tigers’ entrance to Death Valley. “Not sure what I’d do with the damned thing, but it sure as shootin’ would make a helluva door stop,” Bennett remarked. “Plus I’ve had pretty good success approaching disgruntled guys looking to cash in on their way out the door.”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS. Go Mountaineers!