Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m sorry, Gentle Readers, but this is going to be a fairly truncated
missive this week. I will spare you the sordid details, but the MMQB’s
younger daughter was involved in a serious car accident last week. While
she is fine physically, it has been a pretty traumatic experience for her
and for our family, and the reality is that I’m just damned tired and having
a hard time getting into the true spirit of the MMQB at the moment.
DAWGS CELEBRATE FIRST NON-LOSING WEEKEND OF SEASON AFTER NIPPING B-Y-E
Hey, at this point, we consider it a positive when a weekend goes by without
another L being notched onto Ty-One-On’s bedpost and no players end up in
the hospital or the slammer. Maybe that’s why we have at least three of
these damn things scheduled this season…
BRONCS WIN! BRONCS WIN! BRONCS WIN!
As you may have gathered from some of my references over the years, the MMQB
is something of a student of history. And so it is especially gratifying
when he has the opportunity to comment on history being made. As in, the
Boise State Broncos securing their first-ever regular season road win over a
school from a BCS conference. Ain’t history great? It’s clear that this
year’s AFLAC squad is way ahead of schedule. I mean, normally they wait
until November to swoon (2-6 over the last two seasons). But this year,
with all appropriate respect and apologies to Mikey Bawlalotti, the “games
you hate to remember begin in September.” Yeah, there may be a little
something to the fact that the Ladies of the Knight were trotting out a QB
that until recently had been doing dishes at the Alpha Phi house. But on
the other hand, the Broncs were featuring their own inexperienced, freshman
QB (Prosser WA’s own Kellen Moore) and all he did was throw for 386 yards
and three TDs. Lest you think that this battle on the Field Named For a
Coach With A Career Losing Record was completely devoid of the officiating
shenanigans that mark most visits to the Concrete Bunker, I’ll point out
that the Quackers’ final score in the closing minutes came immediately after
consecutive pass interference penalties (apparently BSU defenders breathed
on the receivers) set the home team up on the 7-yard-line. Alas, there was
no opportunity for the Slugeaters to try their usual 14 onside kicks and
time ran out for Mikey’s minions. On the plus side, Wazzu is up next.
BOOGS PROVE THEY CAN COMPETE AT 1-AA LEVEL
Good news for Boogs: they actually won a game. The bad news: it came
against a fraternity intramural team from Portland State. Oh, and they lost
their top two QBs in the process, although no one can really tell whether
that’s good news or bad.
MEDIA CRITIQUE
Not that the MMQB is paranoid or overly critical or anything, but am I the
only one who has noticed that the AFLAC coverage in the Sunday Seattle Times
was significantly more subdued in the wake of their historic plucking by the
Blue Turfers than it was when they were basking in the glow of victory over
the Boilermakers? I’m just saying…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
In addition to the Montlake Mutts, the Barkrats, Cal and U$C were all idle
on Saturday. The play-every-other-week schedule was especially important
for the Condoms, as some of their players needed the extra time to talk with
the booster buddies after reconfiguring their investment portfolios in the
wake of the turmoil in the financial markets. In actual games, next week’s
Pooch opponents, the Stunnedford Trees, got past San Jose State 23-10. This
accomplishment is roughly akin to outrunning Charlie Weis. And remember,
he’s on crutches. Moving further south, Willy Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong led
the ‘Zona Mildcats past Slicky Ricky and the Ruins, 31-10. (F)UCLA
generated less than 200 yards of total offense, prompting well-respected
coordinator Norm “Puppy” Chow to grouse, “I came back for this sh*t?”
Following the game, the sweater-vested one thanked the fans for sticking
around until the bitter end, noting that it wasn’t much fun to watch. What
he didn’t say but was undoubtedly thinking: ”God help me, I hope the
administration is similarly patient with me or else I’ll need to supplement
my income with a few well-chosen bets…” Finally, in what was billed to be
a tough non-conference test for the Georgia Bulldogs, the Stun Devils caved
27-10. Turns out the biggest challenge of the trip was keeping Uga XII from
dropping a deuce on the sidelines.
SMALL COLLEGES, BIG DRAMA
It’s only two weeks into the small college football season, and already two
juggernauts are building momentum for the classic November 8th showdown in
Salem. The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us worked overtime in nipping
C-M-S 34-28. For the wine connoisseurs among us, C-M-S in this case does
not refer to the usual blend of cabernet, merlot, and syrah, but instead to
Claremont-Mudd-Scripps. So essentially, the North Warner Warriors had to
defeat three schools Saturday, and their effective record is 4-0. That’s my
story and I’m sticking to it. Their eventual victims … er, opponents …
the Bare Puddytats of Willy’s Armpit, somehow managed to sneak by Southern
Oregon, which recently graduated to actual tackle football from intramural
flag football, in a 31-23 comeback.
QUICK HITTERS
Mama, Don’t Let Your Sons Grow Up To Be Cowboys – Wyoming lost to B-Y-Who
44-0. In the last two weeks, the polygamists have outscored their opponents
103 – zip. And their winning streak is so long that some of their players
were actually under the age of 26 when it began… ***** A Day Late and A TD
Short – One day after International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, East Carolina
lost in OT to N.C. State 30-24. The sound you hear is the national media
jumping off the Pirate bandwagon. ***** Back to Normal for Buffalo – After
Buffalo burst out of the gate 2-1 this season, Missouri popped their bubble
with a routine 42-21 thrashing of the Bulls. Speaking of routine, Chase
Daniel hit 20 consecutive passes on his way to a career-high 439 yards
passing. What’s that coach’s name, again? ***** Back to Normal for Kansas
- One week after their loss to USF, Mangino’s Maniacs rock-block-jay-walked
over Sam Houston State 38-14. Wake me up when their non-conference schedule
is over. ***** What a Difference A Week Makes – THE Ohio State University
overcame a sluggish performance in defeating Troy 28-10. Apparently, the
players began twitching when they heard they had to face the “men of Troy”
again this week. *****Nipping the Communion Wine Again There, Father? – Mike
Golic’s son was one of several Notre Shame players arrested for alcohol
infractions following the team’s 23-7 loss to Michigan State. Apparently,
Fat Charlie’s pledge to change the team culture he inherited from Willingham
is reaching fruition. ***** I Turned Down Miami For This? – Greg Schiano,
once one of the nation’s hottest coaching prospects, has announced that he
won’t suspend his starting QB for taking a swing at a teammate in the waning
moments of the Knights’ 23-21 loss to Navy. Fortunately, like many of his
passes, the QB’s swing didn’t connect. **** Goes Without Saying, I Suppose
- One week after blasting Wazzu 45-17, Baylor lost to U-Conn 31-28. When
asked to describe the outcome of the game, an unidentified player simply
said, “The Huskies are just a helluva lot better than the Cougars.”
AND IN CLOSING…
On Saturday, Clay Bennett continued to rock the sports world by announcing
plans to purchase THE Ohio State University marching band. He immediately
demanded that the bank size be doubled so that the unit could complete a
script Oklahoma. When it was pointed out that his home state lacks any I’s
for a tuba player to dot, Bennett replied, “That’s OK; the band can spell
out Sooners if they like.” Investigative journalists immediately began
researching his SAT scores…
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
In “American Pie,” Don McLean declared that Buddy Holly’s fatal plane crash was “the day the music died.” In a similar vein, the MMQB believes you can point to one very specific instant as “the second the season died.” It was the precise moment that Larry Farina, that festering boil on the buttocks of college football, decided to toss his flag in the air and dash the BP&G’s hopes for a hard-earned and unexpected upset of B-Y-Who. Football is an emotional game, and that crushing blow seemed to suck all the life out of our boys. The team that took the field Saturday against the Boomer Sooners was listless (and admittedly mostly talentless). For the love of Christ, isn’t it November yet?
DAWGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. SOONERS
The MMQB was supposed to be at this game. The Rumpled Publisher wasn’t going to be able to attend, and his father’s 89th birthday celebration was a command performance. Those things only come along once every 89 years. Of course at this point. It looks like the same might be said for Husky football victories. Then when I failed to recruit someone to join me for the game, I ended up giving the tickets to an acquaintance to use. My guess is that the poor bastard will never speak to me again. Anyway, as I watched the carnage in high definition, the thought that kept popping into my mind, like the lingering aftertaste of a bad burrito, was that “this is the way we used to make other teams look.” The Mutts of Montlake were subjected to a veritable Norman Conquest, players who were bigger, faster, stronger, more intense, better prepared and better coached. Other than that, we were pretty competitive. The MMQB has never been a big fan of all the on-screen graphics like the blue line-of-scrimmage indicator and the yellow first-down line, but in this game they should have superimposed a red line on the screen about five yards into the Pooch backfield on each and every play, because that is where the effective line of scrimmage was. The MMQB hasn’t seen that sort of line domination since a certain fall evening in 1976 when he and his KHS Mildcat teammates waged a valiant struggle against just slightly superior Lewiston Bengals in a 54-0 nail-biter. My body still hurts when I think of it. Sorry, little cul-de-sac trip down Memory Lane there. Anyway, it certainly doesn’t help when your choices at safety are between a true freshman who was a running back until a week ago and a 28-year-old walk-on who’s been playing pro baseball for a decade. Let me ask, and I say this with all due respect and sincerity, how the f*ck did it get to this? Slight pause while the MMQB beats his head against the desk. Let’s face it, when you’re the huge underdawg to a team that by all indicators is going to be vastly superior, you need to play a virtually perfect game. Just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s have a little test on the definition of the word “perfect.” Does it include missing three FG attempts? Does it include three turnovers? Does it include “holding” Okie QB “Sudden” Sam Bradford to a mere 86 percent completion percentage and five TDs in about two-and-a-half quarters? Does it include seven straight TD drives, averaging 66 yards in only 2:12? Well, the MMQB would never presume to speak for you, gentle readers, so I will simply say that not a f*cking one of those facts gets anywhere near my personal definition of “perfect!” Instead, they’re more likely to describe the worst home loss in nearly 80 years. And even more likely to result in a “Help Wanted” poster being hung outside the Tubby Graves Building. On the bright side, the BP&G have a B-Y-E next week, so the chance of another loss is slightly diminished.
AFLACS LOSE ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BOILERMAKERS
I think they do this just to piss me off. It’s this way a couple of times each season – the vaunted athlete-students of the University of Zero fall just far enough behind that you’re thinking they’re about to get the plucking they so richly deserve. And then, their grit and resiliency – not to mention a well-timed text message and wire transfer from Uncle Phil – win the day. In the first half, Purdon’t had multiple opportunities to bury the white-and-green-and-silver- and-yeller visitors from the Gaspumper State. But it didn’t happen. And so the boys from Anarchy Central found a way, despite losing four turnovers and scoring only one offensive TD in regulation, to force the game into overtime. Of course, you can’t blame Joe Tiller. The man is retiring for God’s sake, and he’s got a ranch house in Wyoming he’s got to pay for. Unfortunately for the Ladies of the Knight, QB Justin “Time” Roper injured his left knee and will be out for the next couple weeks. Of course, the schedule naturally once again cooperates as their next game is at home and then they travel to Pull-my-finger-man, where the Wazzu Boogers have so far this season posed all the challenge of a drunken prom queen defending her honor. (See below)
BOOGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME OF POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BAYLOR
For the second straight week, the Wazzu Hairball Hackers were mauled by a pack of Bears. But this time it was lowly Baylor administering the righteous butt-kicking, 45-17. I repeat, Baylor. Bay-f*ckin’-lor. Getting your ass handed to you by Baylor is like having the one of the Olsen twins – the anorexic one – kicking sand in your face. It’s like getting bitch-slapped by Stephen Hawking. The Coug defense (ha ha, no really, that’s what they’re calling it…) allowed Baylor QB Robert “Not To Be Confused With Archie” Griffin to run around, over, and through them for a school-record 217 yards. Of course, when you’ve allowed 817 yards of rushing offense in your last two games, it’s a pretty decent bet that someone is hanging some pretty healthy numbers around your scrawny necks. And yet, Coug fans remain admirably loyal to and optimistic about their alma mater. (Talk about your slow learners, but I guess that pretty much goes without saying…) Boog backers have been waving a Wazzu flag in the background of every ESPN Game Day broadcast since 2002. May the MMQB make a modest suggestion: starting next week, try flying it at half-staff.
THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
This just in: it has been officially determined that the state of Washington has now joined the ranks of Alaska, North Dakota, Vermont and a handful of other states in having no actual D-1 football programs located within its borders.
AND ANOTHER THING
Is anyone else sick and f*cking tired of seeing the Quacks, those slug-eating sons of bitches, getting banner coverage in the Seattle Times sports section? I mean, I realize that the two in-state schools suck sewage, but that doesn’t mean that their readers give a flying f*ck about the fouls. Print something we might possible care about, like celebrity bass fishing or something for Chrissakes. Is it any wonder that, in the words of Ghostbuster Egon Spengler, “print is dead?”
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
What a difference a week makes. Last week, Cal was enjoying its 66-3 cakewalk over the Palouse Pussies and Maryland was busy losing to Middle Tennessee State. This week, the Fighting Tedheads were upended by the Terps 35-27. Fear the turtle! Stunnedford, which had looked fairly impressive in their week one victory over the Barkrats suffered its second straight road defeat, this one a 31-14 mauling at the hands of TCU. Some of the Tree players reported difficulty breathing; turns out they had Frogs in their throats. (Bah-dum-dum. I’ll be here through Thursday. And don’t forget to tip your waitresses.) Both Arizona teams lost. The Stun Devils were upended 23-20 in overtime by UNLV, driving coach Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson to well, have another. And Arizona lost to New Mexico as coach Mike Stoops seems hell-bent on competing with Ty Willing-but-not-able-ham for the conference coaching hot seat award. Meanwhile, the OSU Barkrats knocked the poi out of the visitors from Hawaii, 45-7. You might say they really lei’d one on them. You might, but you probably have more self-control than that. Besides, that’s what you have the MMQB for. Speaking of waxing the visitors, the Condoms destroyed THE Ohio State University F*ckeyes, 35-3. This was an impressive display, my friends. Very impressive. Rumor has it that the NFL is planning to declare U$C an expansion team and thereby remedy their lack of a pro team in the City of Angels. Unfortunately, most of the Toejam players are reluctant to make the move as it would entail a fairly substantial pay cut. When he took over the helm of (f)UCLA, telegenic coach Ricky Sweatervest announced that it might take some time to bring his brand of football to Westwood. But after an impressive victory over Tennessee in their home opener and a bye, the Ruins are clearly way, way, way ahead of schedule. B-Y-Who QB Max “Down The” Hall fired four of his seven TD passes in the first five minutes of the second quarter, an offensive outburst that would make even Sam Bradford a little jealous. The 59-0 whitewashing was the school’s worst loss in 75 years. The Slick One may have declared the U$C monopoly over, but I’m guessing that Pete “Christmas” Carroll still has hotels on Broadway and Park Place, plus all four railroads and both utilities. And with the mighty Ruins racking up a grand total of nine – count ‘em, nine – rushing yards, it’s pretty clear they’re not going to be passing Go anytime soon.
OH AND IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
The dedicated student athletes of U-Pay-Us rang up 34 unanswered points in a stirring 37-7 road victory over the always tough Sagehens of Pamona-Pitzer. You know there’s nothing that really strikes terror into your opponents like a steaming bucket of Kentucky Fried. Similarly, the boys from Willamette exploded for 28 second-half points to defeat California Lutheran. The Bearpuddytats were led by the 113 rushing yards of “Swervin’” Merben Woo. (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo…)
QUICK HITTERS
Won’t Make That Mistake Again – Kansas coach Mark Mangino, who obviously has a weakness for cupcakes, apparently overlooked the fact that his AD had scheduled a non-conference game against a legitimate team. By the time he discovered the mistake, the Jayhawks had lost to South Florida 37-34. Fortunately for the big man, next week Kansas squares off against Sam Houston State, hold the sprinkles. ***** Perfect 10 – Led by Chase Daniels, who threw for a mere 405 yards and 4 touchdowns in a little over two quarters of work, Missouri scored on their first ten possessions and thumped Nevada 69-17. Reports are that the Tigers were inspired by a late night visit from Bo Derek. (Hey, that would inspire the MMQB…) ***** Heels Step All Over Knights -North Carolina trounced Rutgers, 44-12. It was the school’s first victory outside the state of North Carolina since 2002. In fact, things are going so well for the Baby Blue this year that their only real misstep was when the parachutists charged with delivering the game ball for the season opener missed the stadium and instead landed at Duke. That’s not a joke – look it up. Anyway, Butch Davis, I’m just sayin’ … ***** Overpaid Coaches Bowl – Notre Shame took advantage of six Michigan gifts to upend Richie Rich and the Wolverines, 35-17. Fat Charlie Weis tore up his ACL and MCL when one of his own players accidentally knocked him on his XXL ass. ***** Some Prayers Do Get Answered – Buffalo upset the Temple of Doom, 30-28 on a 35-yard Hail Mary pass as time expired. It’s the first time in ten years that the Buffs have been 2-1, and back then they were a I-AA team. ***** Of Course, Not All Prayers Get Answered – Middle Tennessee State staged a valiant comeback bid against Rich “Babbling” Brooks and the Kentucky Mildcats. As the clock ticked down, they completed a 60-yard Hail Mary pass. The bad news is they were 61 yards from pay dirt and the receiver was hauled down by the ankle at the one yard line. On the bright side, they avoided one of those pesky excessive celebration flags… *****And In Baseball Action… — Auburn nipped Mississippi State, 3-2. It was a game that only a defensive coordinator could love. ***** Putting the Ill Back In Illini? – Ron and the Zookers narrowly avoided a crushing upset when they held on to nip Louisiana Lafayette 27-24. The game wasn’t over until they recovered a Ragin’ Cajun onside kick with less than a minute to go. Keep it up, Ron, and the website’s gonna be back…
AND IN CLOSING…
On Saturday, Clay Bennett announced plans to purchase the air raid siren from Husky Stadium and take it with him back to Oklahoma. U-Dub officials were quoted as saying, “hey, we need the cash and it’s not going to get much use this year anyway.”
That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
Some weeks the MMQB requires a little warm-up, and some weeks he can’t help
but jump right into action. Hazard a guess into which category this week
falls?
FIST-PUMPUS INTERRUPTUS
Are you sh*tting me? No, really … are you f*cking sh*tting me? Where
does a mild-mannered, even-tempered observer like the MMQB even start?
First, let me get this out of the way upfront: B-Y-Who did plenty of things
well-enough and the BP&G did plenty of poorly enough that it’s hard to argue
with the outcome of the game, per se. I might not be the sharpest stick in
your sharp stick drawer (see?), but even I know that you can’t continue to
allow opponents to ring up 475 yards of offense and force only two punts for
the entire f*ckin’ game if you want to be successful. You can’t allow teams
to shove the ball down your throats in second-half marches of 84 and 97
yards. Hell, in the Glory Years (ah, the fading memories of the delusional
fan), there were whole games when our defense didn’t allow 97 yards -
period. New defensive coordinator Ed “Don’t Ask” Donatel reportedly mixed
up his defensive formations, saying “Our purpose is to add mental pressure
for the offense in their preparation.” Yes, I can see taxing that could be
for an offensive coordinator: whether to exploit your poor tackling with
the running game or mix it up with some passes to wide-open receivers. That
kind of tough choice reminds this learned observer of the end of “Trading
Places:”
Billy Ray Valentine: “What shall we do for lunch, Coleman, the lobster or
the cracked crab?”
Coleman (to stunning Island Goddess): ”What do you think, dear?”
Stunning Island Goddess, “Can’t we have both?”
Coleman (to pint-sized waiter): ”Why not? Lobster and cracked crab for
everyone!”
Pint-sized waiter: ”Extra primo good, Mr. Coleman, sir.” (Runs off…)
And so it goes, as our defense continues present mouth-watering options for
any offense – and gets shelled. And yet, this was a game that seemed
destined for overtime. For all of the mistakes of the young pups, who after
all are squaring off against a bunch of f*ckin’ 28-year-olds, and don’t tell
that doesn’t make a f*ckin’ difference, because it does, and the NCAA is too
f*ckin’ chicken-sh*t to do anything about it lest they raise the specter of
religious bias or, worse yet, just plain f*ckin’ common sense … oh God,
where was I? Oh yeah, for all of their mistakes, for all the missed tackles
and all the blown assignments and all the overthrown passes and all the
dropped balls, the Pooches, those lovable Mutts of Montlake still made
enough plays to have a chance to force it into overtime. The home eleven,
not to mention the hopes and dreams of Dawgfans everywhere, were riding on
the sheer will and determination of a special athlete who simply would not
be denied. Looking for all the world like his team was playing for a
seriously injured comrade and quite possibly the job security of their stoic
coach, the Savior put together a last-minute drive so improbable, so sappy,
that even a Hollywood script-writer could not conjure it up. And when he
finished the job, scoring with a scant two seconds to spare, he joyously
tossed the ball aside so that he could share his exuberance with his
teammates. There was no premeditation. The ball did not go flying into the
cheap seats. There was no taunting of the opposition or
self-aggrandizement. There wasn’t even a good, old-fashioned crotch grab.
No, this extraordinary young athlete simply wanted to embrace and thank his
teammates as quickly as possible. And what happens? Showing all the
humanity and discretion of an IRS auditor with jock itch, some broken-down
middle-aged waste-of-skin throws a flag on our young star, accusing this
saintly cross between Dr. Schweitzer, Gandhi, Bobby Jones and Mother Teresa
of unsportsmanlike conduct. I repeat, are you f*ckin’ shitting me? Now,
the first thing you have to remember is that the offending zebra is the same
hair-ball that turned the fourth quarter of the 2006 UO-OU clash into a
cluster-f*ck of Biblical proportions. Apparently, he and his brethren
wanted the opportunity to demonstrate that they are equal opportunity f*ck
ups, and they can screw over the home team just as completely and
efficiently as they rogered the visitors from Norman. In that one regard,
he was stunningly successful and, as such, remains exhibit #1 on why
“Touchdown” Tommy Hansen should be summarily shot and his naked corpse
dragged across the campuses of major universities throughout four western
states. Then this flea-ravaged zebra has the audacity to contend that it
wasn’t a judgment call. Bullsh*t. Double bullsh*t. Oh, and while we’re
at, Triple Bull-f*cking-sh*t! Even the mainstream media aren’t buying that
load of hooey. Every f*ckin’ call is a judgment call. If refs had no
discretion, and were forced to call every single thing they see, no play
would ever stand. No game would ever end. Refs routinely factor in the
situation and the context when they make calls. At least good ones do. I
have no f*cking clue whatsoever about what is going on in the dusty recesses
of Larry Farina’s empty cranium. And so a key determinant – perhaps the key
determinant – in the outcome of a significant and exciting athletic clash is
determined not by the dedicated student-athletes on the field of the Most
Beautiful Stadium in America, but instead by some hemorrhoid with a whistle.
Speaking of which, don’t think I haven’t noticed your role in all this
either, Browns KR. My MMQB mole within the back offices of Umpqua Savings
and Loan is about to send me notarized copies of the paperwork on that
rather large transfer into your account from Wafflesoles, Ltd. (a shady
enterprise with branches in the Cayman Islands and Beaverton, OR) and last
week’s matching withdrawal in the form of a money order made out to one L.
Farina, LLC. You think you could escape my notice? Are you f*ckin’
sh*tting me?
AND ANOTHER THING …
Far be it for the MMQB to be accused of poor sportsmanship. I mean, I am
nothing if not the paragon of respect and fair play in all athletic
endeavors. But this simply must be said. B-Y-Who is being touted as a
potential “BCS-buster,” a team which could run the table and force its way
into a major bowl. I say one more time, are you f*ckin’ sh*tting me? What
I saw was a team that needed a jaw-dropping and unwarranted gift from a
guilty bystander in order to barely survive a game against a team that is at
best middle-of-the-Pac and quite probably one of the three worst in the
conference. Put a team like B-Y-Who in the Pac10 and they are probably .500
at best, and yet they have about two challenging games standing between them
and a well-deserved, Hawaii-esque bitch-slapping at the hands of any real
team in a BCS bowl game. I would just as soon not wait that long. So, even
though the MMQB finds this somewhat difficult to admit, he will be cheering
on Slicky Ricky Sweatervest and the rest of the (f)UCLA Ruins next week…
SO, YOU THOUGHT WEEK #1 WAS BAD…
66-3. Sixty-f*ckin’-six to three. Need I say more? Probably not, but when
has that ever stopped me? It does the hard heart of the MMQB good to see
that Paul “It’s The” Wulff is already putting his stamp on his alma mater’s
football program. In only his second game at the helm, he managed to guide
his charges to the worst defeat in Wazzu history. You have to admit that
this is something of a historic accomplishment, given the Boogs’ long, long
history of pigskin ineptitude. So just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s play
that always popular Palouse parlor game, Name the Coug Low Point. And the
nominees are: (a) giving up an 80-yard TD run on the first play from
scrimmage; (b) giving up an 86-yard TD run on the same play later in the
game; (c) the four interceptions; (d) the blocked FG returned 65 yards for a
TD, (d) the 90 yard interception return that set up yet another Cal TD, (e)
the 66 points allowed, or (f) all of the above. Of course the obvious
answer is F, as in failure, futility and fur-ball f*ck-ups. Now, Johnny,
tell our lucky contestants what they’ve won: All of our winners will
receive two tickets for all remaining home games. Of course, the losers
will receive four tickets…
OREGON LAY ROUT 66 ON GAGGIES
The
vaunted-black-and-green-with-
(and the hats, don’t forget the yellow hats) took the Field Named For A
Coach With A Career Losing Record and promptly administered an impressive
688 yard, 66-24 butt-kicking to the latest visitors to the Concrete Bunker.
The Quacker attackers were led by RB LaGarrette Blount “Instrument,” who
rolled up 132 yards and two TDs and QB Justin “Case” Roper, who completed 13
of 18 for 173 yards and a TD. Of course, the loogie-hocking Quackerbackers
conveniently ignore the fact that these lofty totals were amassed against
the perennially over-matched Utah State Gaggies. Utah State is such a
doormat that they should consider having “Welcome” tattooed on all their
players’ asses. For this observer’s money, the most impressive feat
displayed all day was when Bawlalotti’s staff was able to talk him out of
his plan to try an on-side kick “just for the hell of it” after his charges
scored their final touchdown with three minutes remaining.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The U$C Condoms celebrated their first week at #1 with a bye. The players
filled the time banging a few song girls and waxing their Escalades while
waiting for next week’s big show-down with THE Ohio State University
F*ckeyes, a team which struggled before finally putting away Frank Solich
and Ohio 26-14. Meanwhile, as part of his new Keeping-Up-With-The-Toejams
strategy, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest, took out another newspaper ad, this one
demanding that the Ruins also be given this week off. The players filled
the time singing Kumbaya and getting a few shekels down on the Martin Luther
- Marantha Baptist game (as the coach predicted, ML waxed MB), while waiting
for their big show down with B-Y-Who-The-F*ck-Makes-That-
action that actually took place on the field of battle, the Oregon State
Barkrats invaded Penn State’s aptly-named Beaver Stadium and limped away
with a 45-14 butt-kicking at the feet of JoPa and the Nitanny Lions. In
other Pathetic10 action, both Arizona schools looked impressive, as the
Mildcats thumped Toledo 41-16 and the Stun Devils stunned Stunnedford in
Stun Devil Stadium by an equally stunning count of 41-17. After the ‘Zona
victory, WR Terrell “No Relation to Gordon” Reese was suspended for DUI. No
word yet on Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson’s post-game celebrations.
QUICK HITTERS
Rocky Mountain Sigh – Coach Moonbeam and the Buffs narrowly avoided going
0-for-2 against Division I-AA teams by staging a second-half rally and then
holding off Eastern Washington 31-24. Hey Coach Wulff. Maybe it’s not too
late to save yourself! ***** U of Show-Me State Shows Me – Chase Daniel had
a decent day, hitting 16 of 17 passes for 245 yards and three TDs in less
than two quarters work. I have two words for you: Gary Pinkel. I’m just
saying… ***** No Miss At Ol’ Miss – Wake Forest’s Sam Swank nailed a
41-yard-FG with three seconds to go, sealing a 30-28 victory over the Rebs.
I have two words for you: Jim Grobe. I’m just saying … ***** Rosaries
Get A Work Out – Narrowly avoiding an upset of Biblical proportions, Notre
Shame got a late rally to secure a 21-13 victory over visiting San Diego
State. Yes, for those of you keeping track, that’s the same Aztec team that
the week before had been beaten at home by Cal-Poly. You think maybe the
Domers are rethinking Fat Charlie’s contract extension? *****Keeping Up
With The Paternos – Bobby Bowden stayed tied with JoPa in career victories
as his Semiholes beat Western Carolina, 69-0. After the game, the
loquacious coach referred to the victory as “a good old-fashioned lickin’!”
*****Attendance Down in The Big House – The smallest home crowd in 10 years
watched “Get” Rich “Quick” Rodriguez earn his first victory as Wolverine
Coach in an unimpressive 16-6 victory over pesky Miami of Ohio. On the
bright side, this meant that there were only 106,724 fans asking themselves,
“we paid this guy $2M+ a year for this?*****Poor Mountaineers – Rodriguez’s
former West Virginia team was thoroughly dominated by the suddenly
impressive East Carolina Pirates (argh!), 24-3. Skip Holtz? I’m NOT sayin’
… *****Badgers Belt Blundering Herd – As expected, Wisconsin pummeled
Marshall 51-14. Afterward, Warner Bros. announced plans to rename their
2006 Matthew McConaughey flick, “We Are Not Good.” ***** First Gustav, Now
This – The Louisiana Tech Bulldogs left their home state early to avoid the
path of a hurricane and were promptly stormed by Kansas, 29-0. The Jayhawk
non-conference schedule is once again a joke of Pac10 officiating
proportions: Florida International, Louisiana Tech, and Sam Houston State.
C’mon… ***** A Win Is A Win – One week after looking like world-beaters in
destroying Clemson, the Alabama Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers allowed four
sacks, fumbled, missed two kicks and gained only 172 yards in an
unimpressive 20-6 victory over storm-dodging Tulane. Before you get really
mad, Nick, just remember you’re getting paid no matter what…
SPECIAL HIGH SCHOOL UPDATE
The Bellevue High Wolverines opened their 2008 campaign with a routine 41-13
romp over Portland’s highly regarded Central Catholic. Late in the second
quarter, the invaders from the Puget Sound region converted a third-and-37
into a 44 yard touchdown run on a draw play to take a commanding 34-6 lead.
Media reports from the scene differ, but apparently immediately after the
play a balding coach from the Central Catholic staff calmly placed his
headset in the hands of a team manager, curled up into a fetal position and
began whimpering, “this is as bad as … well, as when we lost to that
cripple …”
AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett continued his all-out assault on the most storied traditions of
college football, announcing over the weekend that he has executed a
purchase and sale agreement to acquire “Touchdown Jesus” from Notre Dame
University. Bennett also said that he intends to have the mural retouched
to add a red OU football helmet to the savior’s head, and “if any of those
tree-hugging Golden Domer types raise a ruckus, I’ll just move the whole
dad-gummed kit-and-caboodle to Oklahoma City.”
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – Are you f*ckin’ sh*tting me?
Filed under: mmqb
Inspiration is a an odd duck. Not an “odd duck” in a Herman Ho-Ching
let’s-have-another-bong sort of way, mind you. Just odd in that
strange-because-you-never-
sort of way.
There I sat, pondering whether or not to make the rather significant
commitment to yet another season of MMQB drivel, and frankly the outlook,
not unlike that of my favorite team, was none too rosy. To be blunt, I have
been looking forward to the college football season with all the excitement
of Lance Armstrong looking forward to urinalysis; namely, with a sense of
dread and foreboding. And then, there it was in the daily fish wrap. The
picture was unmistakable. There he was … in all his grandeur and glory
… finger pointing authoritatively, as if to say, “look what I pulled out
of my nose,” or even, “you see, I told you to always bet the over when
Missouri plays.” That’s right, the Weasel of Westwood, #1 in your heart
and #37 on your court docket, the man with the unquenchable, Clinton-esque
need to be the center of attention. There he was, before even coaching a
single game at his alma mater, declaring that U$C’s reign as the pigskin
kings of LA was about to come to an end. Nice talk, son, but I think you
might want to watch a little game film and, oh by the way, have a QB that
can fog a mirror before you pick a fight with the Condoms. But that’s just
me. After all, you’re not the one that is going to get hit so hard your
next kid will be born dizzy. No, that honor goes to some innocent
18-year-old that you conned into wearing the baby blue. Oh well, life’s
tough in the fast lane – meet the Neu boss, same as the old boss.
Anyway, it was at that very moment that I realized there could be no color
and no pageantry if there were no MMQB. Without the weekly musings of your
most humble and obedient narrator, college football devolves into nothing
more than a weekly gathering of overactive pituitary glands, surrounded by
drunken, loud-mouthed (and in the case of U-Ho, loogie lobbing) fans, Uncle
Phil’s laughingly transparent attempts to buy success for his beloved alma
mater, the weekly what-will-they-wear-next horror in Quackland, and, of
course, the occasional pimple-faced tuba player. Hardly the same, is it?
So, gulp, here I am again to serve up my usual dose of always intelligent,
fair, and well-reasoned commentary on the spectacle that is college
football. That is not to say that every issue this year will be the magnum
opus that has marked recent seasons, but my scores of loyal readers (you
know who you are, you sick and twisted bastards) can count on me yet again
for a healthy dose of unbiased and intelligent commentary every week. Based
on my usual track record, I figure if I limit myself to unbiased and
intelligent comments, you can expect about 12 sentences. For the season.
So bugger that with a bunch of bananas, the MMQB IS BACK, BABY!
Now, I realize that it’s tough to jump into week one without the usual wit
and wisdom of the MMQB Season Preview, but I just couldn’t get over that
hump. You get what you pay for, you leaches. I’d say “sue me,” but I’m
afraid that some of those blood-suckers in Swooshville would take me just a
little too literally. So instead of worrying about what didn’t come, let’s
rejoice in what did – and jump right into it.
DAWGS HALF-BAD IN THE BUNKER
In recent years, the Beloved Purple and Gold (BP&G) have adopted the Eva
Braun approach to playing in Gaspumper Land. The go into the Concrete
Bunker and they don’t come out alive. Saturday night’s tussle looked for a
while like that distressing trend might be broken, as our lovable little
Pooches stood up to the Evil Empire with equal doses of grit and
determination for the first 30 minutes, trailing by a mere 14-10 tally.
Unfortunately, there remains a tradition called “halftime” in this game, and
once again our plucky pups were apparently sedated by another Sphinx
halftime speech, as they stumbled, bumbled and fumbled their way to a 30-zip
white-washing in the second half. Of course, the outcome might have had
something to do with the fact that the Mutts’ running backs, receivers, and
defensive line are all younger than the Chinese gymnastics team. But these
pups are gonna have to grow up fast or it’s gonna be a long, long,
l-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g f*ckin’ season. And the margin was padded a
bit when Mikey Bawlalotti, sporting his new goatee (which this learned
observer found strangely apropos for such a goatf*cker), decided to run up
the score with another TD in the closing minute. Nice display of
sportsmanship there, you slug-eating piece of duck sh*t. Even Slicky Ricky
Sweatervest, a man whose very image was reviled in a puke-laced video on the
Odd-sun stadium big-screen, a man who had every reason to rub the plucked
ducks’ collective beaks in a little of their own slimy excrement, had his
charges take a knee rather than score another touchdown to pad the score and
embarrass their vanquished foe. See game film, 2002, UW 42-UO 14 – notice
the point spread at the time was nearly identical when one team showed
class and the other team showed their true feathers. You have to hand it to
the Ladies of the Knight, though, they managed to rack up a lot of points
despite having lost their projected starting QB to injury. You have to feel
for the kid. He waits years to get his chance to play and – boom! – his
season is over in a flash. And the real tragedy is that he has just learned
that being on crutches means that he’ll have to drop his challenging
Billiards 101 class, an academic staple for University of Zero football
players. It may be a new season, baby, but some story lines just go on and
on and on…
BOOGS ALL-BAD AT QWESTIONABLE ACCOUNTING PRACTICES FIELD
In the words of the always wise Pete Townshend, “see me, feel me.” Oops,
wrong sentiment there. What I meant to say was, “Meet the new boss, same as
the old boss.” The Yaba-Doba-Doo (God, how we’ll miss him) era may be over
in Pull-my-finger-man, but it looks like new coach Paul “Big Bad” Wulff is
well prepared to carry on in the finest Cougloser tradition, as he quickly
discovered that playing Big 12 team is just a little different than playing
a Big Sky team. Wazzu special (as in take-the-short-bus-to-school) teams
once again provided more comic relief than Achmed with a pitching wedge, as
they missed one PAT, allowed punt returns of 42 and 68 yards, and gave up a
TD on a kick-off return. Other than that, it was all pretty routine in a
39-13 pasting that wasn’t as close as the score indicated. It’s certainly
shaping up to be another miserable year for college football fans in the
Evergreen State.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The season got underway Thursday night as the Trees withstood the invasion
of the Barkrats, 36-28. A late OSU rally was cut short when the receiver
tried to stretch the ball over the goal line and instead fumbled it out of
the end-zone for a game-clinching touchback. The only good thing about the
play was that it reminded me of last year’s Oregon-Cal game. Big smile.
And speaking of big smiles, Pete “Christmas” Carroll should be showing off
the pearlies a bit today, as U$C launched its annual quest for the Mythical
National Title (MNT) with a rather convincing 52-7 victory over
No-Virginia-There-Is-No-Santa-
impregnable – the Cavs’ only TD came on a “drive” abetted by four major
penalties. Swear to all that is Holy, the Toejam players just look
different than regular college teams … the phrase “men-among-boys” leaps
to mind. Speaking of which, Arizona struggled to get past a plucky bunch of
Idaho Vandals, 70-0. Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson woke up from his
off-season stupor long enough to coax the Stun Devils past always-tough
Northern Arizona, 30-13. You see, that’s how most programs start a season -
schedule a team with a direction in its name or, failing that, Idaho …
The poor beleaguered Mutts of Montlake don’t have one game all season like
that. Not a goddamn one. But I digress (get used to it…) Where was I?
Oh yeah, and finally, bedecked in uniforms that only a mother or a drunken
duck fan could love, the Fighting Tedheads withstood one Spartan rally after
another as Cal notched a 38-31 victory over Michigan State.
QUICK HITTERS
Worth The Wait – Playing its first game in 48 years, Lincoln University
defeated George Mason 34-7. It was the Lions’ first victory in nearly 50
years. U-Dub fans will be excused if they suffer a strange sense of
foreboding. ***** One Down, One To Go – B-Y-Who dismantled Northern Iowa
41-17. Knowledgeable fans will note that the NIU mascot is the Husky.
There’s that damn sense of foreboding again… *****Like Kissing Bobby
Bowden – Following Saturday’s 66-10 rout of Coastal Carolina, Jo-Pa is now
tied with the Semi-hole coach at 373 victories apiece. Rather than coaching
until they’re in wheelchairs, they should settle this like men: meet at the
50 yard line, take one swig of warm beer, each uncork one belch, and the
loser retires immediately. ***** Get Rich, Quick – Rodriguez didn’t exactly
wow the crowd in the Big House, as his new Wolverine charges went down to
the visiting Utes 25-23. Never happens to fail – you always kinda miss the
Carr you trade in. ***** Bowling Them Over – This was the year that
Wannstedt was supposed to get Pitt over the hump. Instead, the Panthers
were tripped up by visiting Bowling Green, a team picked to finish fifth in
the MAC, 27-17. Hey, Dave, maybe you and Ty can meet to polish your
resumes. ***** Isn’t It Ironic? – Unranked East Carolina upset #17 Virginia
Tech 27-25 on, of all things, a blocked punt returned for a TD. Live by the
sword… *****Not Exactly Road Warriors – When last we peeked in on Hawaii,
they were getting bitch-slapped 41-10 by Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.
Saturday, they again ventured into the deep Southeast, this time to take on
the Florida Master-Gators in the Swamp and were promptly dispatched with
another butt-kickin’ of Biblical proportions, 52-10. Maybe they should just
stay home and get lei’d…
GREAT MOMENTS IN ENLIGHTENED ATHLETIC LEADERSHIP
It does this hard heart good to see the SEC sign a $2+ Billion-with-a-B
broadcast contract with ESPN and CBS. Dutifully inspired, outgoing
Pathetic-10 commissioner Touchdown Tommy Hansen promptly rushed right out
and inked a new deal with the Food Network. The groundbreaking arrangement
is expected to net each conference institution of higher learning $48, a
case of Spam, and a two-for-one Subway sandwich coupon. Ah, we’re gonna
miss ya, Tommy … and don’t let the door kick you in the ass on the way
out…
AND IN CLOSING…
In a strange move, Clay Bennett announced today that he has secured an
option to purchase Traveler, the U$C mascot. Bennett is demanding
significant upgrades to the mascot’s stables or else he will move the horse
to Oklahoma City.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Talk about over doing things. This bowl menu is to good football what the
Kountry Korner Buffett is to fine cuisine. It’s all about quantity; not
quality. Of 119 D-1 football teams, 64 (or 53.78% for the mathematically
challenged in our audience) are playing in bowl games. And let’s face it,
as bad as the Beloved Purple and Gold were at times this season, is there
anyone who doesn’t think they could compete with the likes of Florida
Atlantic or Central Michigan. OK, maybe only in the first half, but
still…
Anyway, given the ultimate triumph of style over substance represented by
the 2007/8 bowl season, the MMQB dedicates this special edition to ESPN
commentator Dick Vitale, who is recovering from recent surgery on, of all
things, his vocal chords. This is roughly akin to Jenna Jameson having
surgery on her hoo-hah, if you get my drift and I think that you do.
Speaking of multiple screwings, here is the MMQB’s quick and quirky look at
the 2007-8 bowl schedule:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – Navy vs. Utah
This is the kind of bowl game that you just want to set out on the front
porch until the leaves shrivel up and die and you finally get tired of
tripping over it and throw it unceremoniously in the garbage can. On the
bright side, every player on the winning team will get a free toaster and a
subprime ARM.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl – Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
According to their website, “R+L Carriers recently received the 2007
Logistics Management Quest for Quality Award for multi-regional carriers.
This stems from surveys conducted specifically in the logistics industry
evaluating and measuring Transportation Service providers and examines
overall performance.” Boy, if that’s not enough reason to watch a bad
football game, I don’t know what is!
Papajohns.com Bowl – Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
This game will be delivered to your living room via ESPN2, but before you
can enjoy it, you need to pop it into a 450 degree oven for 12-15 minutes.
New Mexico Bowl – New Mexico vs. Nevada
I give you exhibit #7b of why there are too many f*cking bowl games. It’s
just another home game for the Lobos. And, let’s face it: if this game
were a mid-season Thursday nighter on ESPN, how many people would bother to
tune in? (Well, sickos like your humble narrator for sure, but he needs
treatments…)
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl – UCLA vs. BYU
As UCLA dallies with the prospect of subjecting itself to a Rick Neuheisel
coaching regime, the school has shocked the sports world by naming legendary
basketball coach John Wooden as interim football coach for this bowl game.
The 97-year-old Wooden provided a further shock when he announced plans to
apply for reinstatement of Sidney Wicks’ athletic eligibility and install
him at QB for the game. BYU players shake their heads and return to
schtuping each of their wives for good luck.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl – Boise State vs. East Carolina
Other than a night of carnal delights with Keira Knightly, can you imagine
anything much better than the orgasmic joy of leaving Boise in December?
Tell you what; in December, when that wind comes howling across the snow,
the football field isn’t the only thing that turns blue. Now both the
Broncos and the Pirates can look forward to getting lei’d in paradise.
Because, let’s face it, if you’re going to play bad football, you might as
well do it while being massaged by warm , tropical breezes.
Motor City Bowl – Purdue vs. Central Michigan
Unlike GM, this match-up is so far gone that even grave-robbing private
equity firms wouldn’t agree to take it over. I mean, CMU may be the MAC
chumps, er, champs, but let’s not forget that they lost to 1AA North Dakota
State, got thrashed 52-7 by Kansas, and were annihilated 70-14 by Clemson.
I’m sure the thinking was that good ol’ CMU would bring lots of paying
customers from Mount Pleasant, but I for one doubt that even the most rabid
Chippewa fans will be too excited to watch a rematch against the
Boilermakers, who jumped out to a 38-0 lead when the teams met earlier this
season.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl – Arizona State vs. Texas
The Stun Devil faithful are hoping that Denny sobers up long enough to coach
the game. There’s a good chance that they have nothing to worry about.
After all, Mack Brown is prowling the other sideline – and, more
importantly, Vince Young doesn’t wear burnt orange anymore.
Champs Sports Bowl – Boston College vs. Michigan State
Let’s rename this one The Irony Bowl. The #2 team in the ACC and the #7
team in the Big Ten Eleven (sporting a sub-.500 conference record) squaring
off in a game named Champs. Stop it; you’re killing me!
Texas Bowl – TCU vs. Houston
Everything’s big in Texas. Except for the quality of their bowl games.
Don’t bother.
Emerald Bowl – Maryland vs. Oregon State
Who said that college football players don’t get their just rewards? You
win the Civil War and end up in a cosmopolitan city like San Francisco. You
lose the Civil War and end up in El Paso-Gaso. Sounds about right to this
learned observer.
Meineke Car Care Bowl – U Conn vs. Wake Forest
Nothing provides the perfect tune up (no pun intended) for your car care
bowl game like playing for your conference title and losing 66-21. But is
U-Conn’s 45-point loss to West Virginia really much worse than their 27-3
waxing at the hands of Cincy a couple weeks earlier? The sad conclusion is
that no Huskies have any business being in a bowl game these days.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl – Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
OK, I admit it. I’m stumped. There is nothing remotely humorous to say
about this game. I mean, not beyond the mere fact that it is even taking
place…
Valero Alama Bowl – Penn State vs. Texas A&M
Let’s all hear it for Joe-Pa, who is about to coach his 500th for the
Nittany Lions – not his 500th game; his 500th season. In contrast, A&M is
being coached by a one-game seat-warmer following the departure of coach
Dennis “Blogmaster” Franchione. It’s unlikely that either will be
remembered for the Alamo.
PetroSun Independence Bowl – Alabama vs. Colorado
In a shocking turn of events, Coach Moonbeam decides his Buffs cannot
participate in a game sponsored by an earth-raping, greenhouse-gas-spewing,
petro-chemical company. When informed of his team’s victory by forfeit,
Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban said, “We still get paid, don’t we?”
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces – California vs. Air Force
Look up the word “momentum” in your dog-eared copy of Webster’s New
Collegiate. My guess is that the definition doesn’t include the phrase,
“lose six of your last seven.” But that’s just me.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl – Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
We’re not sure who Roady is, but apparently he’s a hell of a nice guy. Too
bad he’s responsible for subjecting some nice young men to December in
Boise.
Brut Sun Bowl – South Florida vs. Oregon
Let’s call this one the #2 Bowl, what with both teams having reached that
august perch in the ratings before tumbling dramatically into also-ran
territory. Besides, any game with U-Ho is going to be a steaming pile of
number two in my book. Another similarity: both teams claim green and gold
for their school teams. But that’s where the similarities end. After all,
the Bulls actually wear uniforms featuring those shades. In contrast, the
AFLACs are planning on unveiling their new madras plaid pants and camouflage
jersey with helmets painted to look like Dan Fouts. Should be enough to get
Len Casanova puking in the void yet again.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl – Kentucky vs. Florida State
Roughly a quarter of the Seminole team will be ineligible for the game as
punishment for their involvement in an academic cheating scandal involving
an on-line class. This has been a shocker to fans in Tallahassee. Not the
suspensions; not the cheating; the shock has been that players are expected
to take classes in the first place.
Insight Bowl – Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
A beloved coach named Terry dies on the eve of the season. A grieving team
dedicates the season to his memory and plays so well that they qualify for
post-season play. Lucky for Indiana, this is the NCAA and they’re in a bowl
game. Because if it were the WIAA and they were Archbishop Murphy HS,
chances are they’d get bounced from the playoffs because the school
discovered and self-reported that one player’s physical was three weeks
overdue. And if you don’t get the reference, read this:
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071126/BLOG18/71126013
Chick-Fil-A Bowl – Clemson vs. Auburn
In a strange twist on the traditional pre-game coin flip, the two Tommies -
Bowden and Tuberville – will meet at mid-field and compare checkbooks. As
you’ll recall, both coaches leveraged the Arkansas opening to pocket huge
raises from their current employers.
Outback Bowl – Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
This could be one of the better bowl games. So throw another shrimp on the
barbie, crack open another Foster’s – and do it quick. After all, you could
lose your appetite after seeing those high-def images of Phil Fulmer on the
sidelines. (Or was that Fred Thompson? Notice that you never see them
together…)
AT&T Cotton Bowl – Missouri vs. Arkansas
Remember the old days when the Cotton Bowl was a big deal? Now it’s the
consolation prize for a team that gets bounced from the #1 ranking on the
last day of the season and ends up completely outside the BCS squaring off
against a team that is between coaches who will rank #1 and #2 on the Frank
Zappa “We’re only in it for the money” mercenary scale. Word is that
Petrino still plans to show up in Fayatteville … unless he gets a better
offer in the next few weeks.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl – Texas Tech vs. Virginia
Name the Big 12 team with the most consecutive winning seasons. Nope, it’s
not a perennial power like Oklahoma, Texas or Nebraska. It’s those
underrated Red Raiders of Texas Tech. Not to be cavalier (ha ha ha) about
it, but who really cares? This game will be worth watching if only to see
Michael Crabtree haul in about 17 passes and to hope that Mike Leach goes
off on the refs.
Capitol One Bowl – Michigan vs. Florida
Tim Tebow avoids the Heisman bowl game jinx and spoils Lloyd Carr’s
going-away party. The mastergator QB throws for 11 touchdowns, runs for 9
more and bangs the entire UM cheer squad at halftime. Hey, the kid’s
versatile.
Rose Bowl – Illinois vs. U$C
The MMQB is pleased to report that a crisis has been narrowly averted.
Illinois, so unaccustomed to playing in a bowl game, tried to save a few
bucks by going with Hotels”R”Us.com, which fumbled away the team’s hotel
reservations. Fortunately, U$C boosters rallied to the cause by freeing up
a small percentage of their “Condos for Condoms,” providing plenty of local
lodging for the visitors.
Allstate Sugar Bowl – Hawaii vs. Georgia
Here is where the little gnat that is the Warrior’s dream of an undefeated
season meets the speeding semi that is Uga and the rest of the Georgia
Bulldogs. Welcome to the big leagues…
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Rich “And Getting Richer” Rodriguez demonstrated his loyalty to his alma
mater by abandoning his team on the eve of its biggest game ever and then
suing the school in an attempt to avoid his contract’s buy-out clause as he
sashays off to Ann Arbor. Nevertheless, the jilted Mountaineers will rally
to win. The tide turned after the Sooner Schooner took the field following
an apparent OU score, only to draw an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that
costs the team dearly. Ah, those were the days…
International Bowl – Rutgers vs. Ball State
The less said about this game, the better. Period.
GMAC Bowl – Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
See International Bowl.
Allstate BCS Championship Game – LSU vs. Ohio State
The Mouth of the South squares off against the only major college football
coach to own more sweater vests than Rick Neuheisel. But by this time,
unless you’re still in the running in the bowl pool, who really cares
anymore? Since this is the NCAA’s version of the Super Bowl, maybe some
b-list celebrity will flash her ta-ta’s at us during the half-time show. We
can hope. Otherwise, bring on letter-of-intent day and spring ball!
And so it goes…
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
The f*cking season is thankfully over. It’s too late to worry about
introductions. Just start reading, damn you.
DAWGS DO NOT GET LEI’D – JUST SCREWED – IN HAWAII
OK, with rare and notable exceptions (such as Oklahoma getting a replay tape
Schoonered up their Boomers in the Concrete Bunker last season), the MMQB as
a rule is not one to dwell on officials’ calls too significantly in
evaluating the color and/or pageantry of any given college football game.
But, Jayzus Horatio Christopher, if I didn’t make an exemption in this
instance, my head would explode, leaving nothing but a steaming pile of bad
puns, useless trivia, and demented lesbian pornography … er, art …
behind. Please, please, for the love of Gawd, tell me that I am not the
only one who felt like his Beloved Purple and Gold were battling not only
the Hawaii (No Longer Rainbow) Warriors, but also six zebras, two replay
officials, and that little Tiki god charm that Bobby Brady found? With a
seven point lead, The Savior rolls to his left and makes an incredibly
athletic throw to Marcel “Marceau” Reese to extend the Pooch drive. Onk,
not so fast, Howley. He may have been over the line of scrimmage. Phew,
deep breath; the replay shows his foot clearly behind the line when he lets
it go. At worst, it’s going to be inconclusive evidence and the call on the
field – a completion – should stand. Nope, can’t have that if our local
boys are going to get to the big hula. Later, on Hawaii’s tying touchdown,
their left tackle took down an onrushing Pooch defender like a Jerry
Springer stage hand subduing a trailer park Queen who just found out her
husband has been doing her mother, her sister and her cat. I watch the
receiver pull in the (admittedly beautiful) pass and think, “no problem;
this one has got to be coming back.” Nope, apparently the official standing
right in front of the play takes the term “blind justice” a little too
literally and the play stands. It just seemed to me that every close call
went the way of the locals. Which, I suppose, is fine; they should have an
opportunity to enjoy their undefeated regular season. But let me tell you
this, my friends; if that is the #12 (now #10) team in the nation, then
Brittney Spears is a f*cking Rhodes Scholar. (Please note: I did not say
that she was f*cking a Rhodes Scholar, which could be true at any given
moment.) Top 10 teams don’t need that many assists from the refs to come
within a tipped ball of going to overtime against the Mutts of Mediocrity.
They don’t need extra time to get past Louisiana Tech. They don’t need
inexplicable coaching gaffes to squeak out a victory over the six-win Nevada
Wolfpack. Put that team in the Pac-10, Big Ten (11, whatever), Big Twelve,
ACC, or God help them, the SEC, and they are middle-of-the-pack. At best.
Oh well, let them enjoy their Luau for now, because Uga and the rest of the
Bulldoggies are going to kick the poi right out of them in the Sugar Bowl.
BARKRAT VICTORY GNAWS AT BAWLALOTTI
You’ll forgive me if this one takes a few minutes to savor, no? After all,
one doesn’t chug a Chateau Lafite Rothschild. One doesn’t engage in a
quick, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am when offered the opportunity for an evening
of sensual delights with the delectable Ms. Charlize Theron. And one most
certainly does not hastily skim the surface of a 38-31 double OT Civil War
upset by the visiting Barkrats, the first time in more than a decade that
the visiting team has prevailed in this Teutonic clash. Instead, you should
close your eyes and take in a deep cleansing breath as we meander down
memory lane. A mere month ago, on the heels of an impressive victory over
the ASU Stun Devils, the AFLACs had parked their feathered fannies
comfortably in the #2 spot in the national polls, and with but three
insignificant games in which they were sure to be heavily favored remaining,
they seemed a veritable lock to play for a national title. This was not a
development that the MMQB could support. But now we can say, to quote a
well-known ESPN Talking Ass, “Not so fast, Slug Breath!” Displaying a
complete inability to rebound from even the slightest little mishaps, the
Ladies of the Knight once again have fed their fans a big, steaming
sh*tburger. Another of Bawlalotti’s patented late-season swoons has seen
the Anarchists lose three straight to the Mildcats, the Ruins and now – in
crushing, double-overtime fashion – their in-state rival, the proud and
overachieving Band of Barkrat Brothers. It all came to a crashing end for
the Former Porn Star Look-alike when Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was
stuffed on fourth and one in the second OT. WeIl, to be perfectly accurate
(and the MMQB is nothing if not a paragon of accuracy), it didn’t really
come to an end for him quite then. Despite the eyewitness accounts of
60,000 stunned Quackerbackers, Bawlalotti still maintains, “That play should
have been measured, but the officials ran off before it could be.” Unable to
count on a few slimy greenbacks slipped to a replay official to save his
sorry hide, Bawlalotti is instead left to ponder “what might have been,”
which (if I am not mistaken) some wise man once sagely observed to be the
four saddest words in the English language. You can’t really blame Mikey
for his delusions, as a late game loss to an underdog rival on your home
field can be especially dispiriting and traumatic (we should know…).
Nevertheless, the contrast between the two major teams of the Gaspumper
State is supremely enlightening. Those lovable little Rodents from
CornValley showed true grit and determination in their victory, as they were
pressed into playing both a back-up at QB and a converted wide receiver at
running back. While the home team at least had their #1 running back at
their disposal, the Barkrats’ talented Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard was
predictably unable to answer the bell. Not to worry – all his replacement,
“Welcome” Matt Sieverson did was bounce off AFLAC defenders like a
black-and-orange billiard ball (you didn’t think I was going to let that
rest, did you?) for 141 yards, catch four passes, and score a key touchdown
- all while playing out of his normal position. As a result, the Boys from
OSU have won six of their last seven games, and once again end the season as
one of the Pathetic10’s hottest teams, and the Slugeaters are again
sentenced to spend the holidays in El Paso Gasso. As I said earlier: go
ahead and take a deep breath. Then smile.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
With the exception of last week’s Rotten Apple Cup (clearly a case of
premature e-jock-ulation), this was Rivalry Week in the West. The U$C
Condoms secured their sixth straight Pathetic10 title with a 24-7 victory
over the (f)UCLA Ruins. Not sure how this outcome translated into the “Rosy
Outlook for Bruins” headline in Sunday’s Seattle Times, but, hey, they’re
professional journalists and I’m just the MMQB. Next thing you know, we’ll
be reading an article headlined, “Karl Dorrell’s Job 100% Secure.” Heading
up the coast, Cal and Stunnedford squared off in The Big Game, a moniker
whose presumption would be offensive if it weren’t so laughably delusional.
After a morning of brie and fresh herb omelets and crisp chardonnay, the
Trees completed Cal’s late-season swoon by handing The Fighting Tedheads
their sixth defeat in their last seven outings. Then, to mark the silver
anniversary of “The Play,” members of the Stunnedford band attacked dejected
members of the Old-and-Bare kickoff return team with their trombones. And,
in a game that no one out of the Canyon State could possibly give a flying
f*ck about, the Stun Devils took advantage of three Willie
Tuitama-lama-ding-dong turnovers in edging the Mildcats 20-17. Following
the game, Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson announced that he would not lobby
for a BCS bowl berth for his team, preferring instead to go on a “good
old-fashioned, three-day, boot-and-rally bender.” Finally, the MMQB is sad
to report that the Yabba-Doba-Doo era is officially over in
Pull-my-finger-man. When asked to predict what he would be doing in
retirement, the ousted coach sang, “We’ll have a gay old time.” Informed of
the sexual connotations of this statement in a post-Larry Craig world (“not
that there’s anything wrong with that”), Yabba said he would visit Mike
Price’s favorite Pensacola strip club just to make sure everyone knew on
which side he buttered his toast. No one knew what he was talking about,
but all wished him well.
IT’S REPORT CARD DAY
The MMQB is old school, baby. When you’re in Mr. O’Fishlivet’s class, you
are expected to straighten up and fly right, my young friends. Don’t be
coming to me with your ADD or ADHD or the rest of your alphabet soup of
supposed maladies. In my class, all those terms are synonymous: you’re
what we call a f*ck-up. And the treatment for being a f*ck-up is some tough
love, or a 2×4 expertly administered upside your head. And when it comes to
grading, the only curves the MMQB cares about are the ones so enticingly
encased in Elle MacPherson’s bikini. Contrary to the apparent trend in
modern educational practice, my role as your leader is not to make you feel
all warm and fuzzy about yourself, Grasshopper; I am here to tell you how
you’re doing. And in this case, the news is not very good:
ü Representation of the Program and the University – Well, we’ve gone three
years without our coach running a numbers ring out of his courtesy car or
hauling the school into court, so we’ve got that going for us. For
restoring some modicum of class and dignity, we’ll give the Sphinx a
much-needed A.
ü Recruiting – Landing Jake Locker at a time when the program was in the
sh*tter was huge, and last week’s coup of getting the two kids from Lakes
was key. But too many local talents (do the names Stewart, Mays and
Schilling sound hauntingly familiar?) have headed out of state. While a
true grade is probably “Incomplete,” we’ll be generous and give the Sphinx a
“Gentleman’s C.”
ü Motivation and Leadership – Well, the kids have battled to the end of all
their games this season, which is something. But football is a game of
emotion and it’s hard to believe that someone who never shows any can get
young people’s hearts pumping. And what coach publicly calls out his team
by saying that they aren’t good enough athletes to compete? Recent
mainstream media coverage has detailed how Mark Richt (Georgia) and Gary
Pinkel (Missouri, I’m just saying) tweaked their personal styles to great
result with their teams. Can or will the Sphinx do the same? The grade is
D, as in Doubtful.
ü Game Planning, Offense – Let’s see, we have a QB who is a supreme talent
when out in the open field but an ordinary and inexperienced player in the
pocket. What’s our game plan? 30 pocket passes and three roll-outs.
(Insert sound of head banging repeatedly against desk here.) While the
offense – especially the line – got marginally better in the later stages of
the season, there were too many bizarre play-calling episodes this season,
such as the low-percentage long pass on third-and-two that was our
penultimate play in the Barkrat game. Based on the total body of work, it
all adds up to a disappointing and generally dispiriting D.
ü Game Planning, Defense – Oh God, don’t get me started. The Dawgs of
Defense have looked like ten pounds of crap in a five-pound bag. Compared
to the back-to-back seasons this learned observer has just endured, Hitler’s
foray into Russia was a case of the hiccups. Perhaps nothing sums up the
complete and utter futility of Kent Baer’s bend-and-then-break defensive
philosophy better than giving up a school record for opponent rushing
against the Zeroes one week and then giving up 500+ yards passing to
Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and the Mildcats the next. How many times must they
give a QB all day to throw and play our DB’s 12 yards off the receivers
before we realize he should be fired, if not euthanized. I’ve got two words
for you, Mr. Sphinx: John Tenuto. Until then, it’s an F, as in F*cking
Football Failure.
ü Game Planning, Special Teams – It only took nine games to realize that
using scrubs on the coverage teams was roughly akin to Neb Beatty lubing
himself up, draping himself across a log and shouting “I dare you” at his
assailants in “Deliverance.” On the other hand, we seemed to have escaped
the Gang-That-Couldn’t-Kick
-Straight fiascos of the Lambo era. A
slightly-less-than-Gentlemanly C- is the best I can give.
ü In-game Adjustments – One question: how many times this season did the
Mutts outplay the opposition in the first half only to come out in the third
quarter with all the intensity of a three-toed sloth on Quaaludes? Our boys
were scored on more often in the third quarter than a drunken cheerleader at
a football kegger. ‘Nuffffff-F said.
ü Bottom Line, Wins and Losses – Is this team significantly – and
demonstrably – better than when the Sphinx first pulled into town? Nope.
D-.
QUICK HITTERS
Scandal Again Shocks South Bend – You’ll recall that George O’Leary was
dismissed by the Irish before ever coaching a game for a little “creative
writing” on his resume. Now, it’s happened again. Local investigative
reporters have found that Charlie Weis claimed to be a football coach on his
resume. ***** Way to Inspire the Troops! – Army lost to Navy 38-3. It was
the Black (and Blue) Knights’ sixth-straight loss to the Swabbies, by an
average of 28+ points. Upon learning the outcome of the game, US Forces in
Iraq promptly laid down their arms. *****Houston, You No Longer Have a
Problem – Ole Miss, for reasons that passeth all understanding, threw $1.8
million per year at Houston Nutt to secure the former Arkansas coach’s
services. When asked to defend his decision, the Rebels’ AD said simply,
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt.” ***** … And Sometimes You Don’t – For
their Cotton Bowl showdown with Missouri, the Hawgs will be led into battle
by Reggie “Pickled” Herring. Insert your own smorgasbord joke here. *****
Michigan Won’t Get Carr With Les Miles – LSU Coach Les Miles announced that
he would be staying in the City of the Red Stick rather than pursuing the
job to replace Lloyd Carr at his alma mater. While some speculated that his
decision was the result of LSU ponying up $4 million or so per year to
retain his services, the MMQB has it on good authority that he finally
realized that “The Mouth of the Great Lakes Region” doesn’t really have any
ring to it. ***** Being #2 is Really #2 – West Virginia was the latest team
to gag away second place in the polls, losing to Pitt 13-9 in a snore-a-thon
annual rivalry tilt. After the game, Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt said,
“Those poor Mountaineers; barely kept …” ***** Sports Illustrated Jinx on
Steroids – Last week’s S.I. cover featuring Chase Daniel clearly meant Mizzu
was going to be in deep, deep trouble against the Okies in the Big Twelve
title game. But should the 38-17 loss knock the Tigers from #1 all the way
to a non-BCS bowl, when two teams they’ve beaten (Kansas and Illinois) are
playing in BCS bowls? Remember, you can’t spell BCS with BS. ***** Bo
Knows Corn – Former Nebraska and current LSU defensive coordinator Bo
Pellini is headed back to Lincoln as the new coach of the Cornholers. Of
course, coaching Nebraska with Tom Osborne as your AD is little like a
priest trying to whip out a sermon with God staring over his shoulder.
***** Fast Learner – The bad news for ‘Bama fans is that last week the Tide
lost its sixth straight to arch-rival Auburn to close out an 0-for-November
streak that cratered a promising season into 6-6 mediocrity. The good news
is that Nick Saban hasn’t compared this “tragedy” to the holocaust yet.
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS
While the two most impressive teams in college football, Georgia and a
suddenly healthy U$C, are shuttled off to other games, the BCS championship
tilt will pit Loozeyanna State against THE Ohio State University. As a
result, fans are left to root for Jim Tressel’s troops, who “played” their
way into the title game by getting lap dances from co-eds and watching
“Sportscenter,” or for the Mouth of the South, who embarrassingly lobbied
for his team by noting that no team was able to beat them in a regulation
60-minute game this season. Uh, Les, the last time the MMQB looked, you
play until one team is the actual winner, and twice this season that was the
team on the other side of the scoreboard. Not to put too fine a point on
it, but I am hoping fervently that Les is not more, and that Tressel will
kick Miles’ arse, just as he would have done annually had The Mouth moved to
Meeeshegan.
THIS JUST IN — SHOCKING NEWS FOR EUGENE!
Saying that he has “simply cracked under the constant and unrelenting
pressure, pressure, pressure – you can’t imagine the pressure – from unnamed
outside influences,” Mike Bellotti this morning announced that he is
resigning as head football coach at the University of Oregon. When asked
his future plans, Bellotti, who still maintains that his teams have never
lost a game while at Oregon but have simply “run out of time” on 52 separate
instances while at the school, said that he will make himself available “as
a savior” to the floundering Duke football program. “If I’m lucky, I can
run out of time there ten or eleven times a year,” a clearly disoriented
Bellotti concluded before whipping off his “O” hat, urinating on it before a
group of stunned reporters, and shouting “Hey, K, move over, baby!” Just
when outside observers thought things in Eugene couldn’t possibly get any
stranger, word came that Phil Knight intends to install himself as
Bellotti’s successor at his alma mater. Asked what led him to this
surprising course of action, the Nike founder removed his trademark
sunglasses and replied, “I’ve always seen myself as something of a White
Knight, ha ha ha; I crack myself up. No seriously, I think it’s about time
we do away with the charade that anyone else was in charge here, don’t you?”
Knight concluded by saying that he would also be serving as the school’s
athletic director, track coach, baseball coach, athletic housing coordinator
and NCAA compliance officer, adding that he is “looking forward to finally
being able to play with all my toys in public.” Nike spokesman Wally
Wafflesole refused to speculate on potential replacements for Knight when
he heads to Eugene, but sources inside the company, speaking on condition of
anonymity, said the leading contender at this point is one Kevin Brown, a
corpulent corporate attorney said to have performed much of Knight’s
surreptitious “bag work” over the years. Nike stock was off 9 ½ points in
after-hours trading.
…”And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the
effort.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die,
on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that
goin’ for me … which is nice.”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Sometime before the first bowl game on
December 20th, the MMQB hopes to share his own inimitable take on the
2007-2008 bowl season with his legions of loyal readers (aka, the inmates).
And that, thankfully, will be that.
PPS – Just to let you know the depth of my dedication (some would say
depravity), I must report that the power is currently out at Chez MMQB, so I
have travelled to a local wi-fi access point to bring you this week’s
missive. What service!
The Holiday season is now officially upon us. I know that retail outlets
have had their Christmas doo-dads up since Groundhog’s Day, but all the
genuine signs are now here. Freddie Couples once again has pocketed enough
dough to buy a suburban rambler at the Skins Game, the former broadcaster
once again has stapled his thumbs to the eaves in his feverish quest to
install 24,000 Christmas lights in less than a day, and – most telling of
all – Achmed once again has unleashed his final turkey fart. At least we
are hoping and praying that’s the case. We could be wrong. Which would be
bad news for the entire Gaspumper (no pun intended) State. Anyway, all of
this means that the college football season is once again coming to a close.
For fans of a select few teams, that means spirited debates regarding the
relative weight the BCS should place on non-conference victories over Our
Ladies of Corporal Punishment in determining which who should play for the
Mythical National Title. For fans of other schools, it means hoping that
the bowl winds will blow toward Maui rather than El Paso. But for the MMQB
and his BP&G, it simply means that another disappointing season is about to
grind to a uncomfortable conclusion, like grains of sand caught in a thong.
Forgive me if I’m not all peace and joy at the moment, but
JesusHChristonastick, is it too much to ask for a little competence along
the way? I don’t think so.
DAWGS PUT THE ROTTEN BACK INTO “ROTTEN APPLE” CUP
You can tell a lot about a game by the first play. In the case of the 100th
playing of the Apple Cup, watching Louis Rankin “And Rating” knife through
the Booger defenders for a touchdown on the opening kick-off, the first
thing that entered the MMQB’s mind was, “I’m hoping we don’t peak too soon.”
Damn, but it’s tough being prescient. In a game that was a microcosm for
the entire Mutt season, the home team failed to fully capitalize on its
early success and instead let the enemy, a team coming off a physically
punishing and mentally dispiriting loss, stick around and eventually take
the contest. Alex “Career On The” Brink, fresh off his six pick outing
against the Barkrats, roasted and toasted the Pooch secondary for nearly 400
yards, five TD’s and no interceptions. Of course, to get the occasional
interception, it would help to have a defensive back within, oh let’s say,
the same area code as the intended receiver every once in a while. Is that
too effing much to ask? How a defensive backfield can let a receiver get
free by at least 15 yards for a long TD pass with less than a minute to play
is beyond comprehension – or excuse. In doing so, our boys may have
graciously saved the job of Bill Yaba-Doba-Doo, who headed into the contest
with all the job security of a 285 pound stripper with acne and an overbite.
And speaking of coaches, what I wouldn’t give to see Mr. Personality go
postal just once. I’m thinking of the classic scene from “Bull Durham,”
with Willingham rounding up his players, and screaming, “What’s our record,
Tormey?”
“4-8.”
“4-8 … How’d we ever win 4?”
“It’s a miracle…”
“It’s a miracle. You guys, you lollygag around the line of scrimmage. You
lollygag around the backfield. You lollygag on special teams. You know
what that makes you? Tormey …”
“Lollygaggers.”
“Lollygaggers!”
Of course, it wouldn’t really accomplish anything, but it would be fun to
watch. Right now, the MMQB is just hoping that Red Lobster is a premiere
sponsor of Hawaii football, because Brennan and those receivers are going to
need some plastic bibs to catch all the drool they’re going to produce when
watching film of this defense. In the words of Foghorn Leghorn:
“Y-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-c-c-c-h.” Oh, and in the category of coming attractions:
The MMQB is holding off on delivering his grades of the coaching staff until
after next week’s expected debacle in Honolululululululu, but let me assure
interested readers, they will be fair; they will be accurate; but like so
many things this season, they will NOT be pretty.
UNIVERSITY OF ZERO SAVORS ROSEBOWL TRIP
You have got to hand it to the Quackers. Down to their third-string QB,
they still had the intestinal fortitude to travel to the Rose Bowl (their
only trip of the year to that hallowed venue, the MMQB will helpfully point
out) and shut out the (f)UCLA Ruins. Man, what an effort! What dedication!
What grit! What’s that you say? The AFLACs were the ones who got shut out?
For the first time in 22 years? Held to 148 yards of total offense? Oops,
my bad. In the words of Emily Latella, “never mind.” (Sweet smile.) In
fairness to the Ladies of the Knight (and the MMQB is nothing if not fair
when it comes to those cheating, slug-eating pieces of Duck sh*t), it has to
be tough when your team is down to never-used Cody (Un)Kempt and Justin
(G)Roper as signal-callers. Then you saddle them with the extra burden of
uniforms that look like a cross between Penn State and a Chevy Silverado ½
ton pickup – complete with white helmets (thereby destroying the old myth
that the good guys are always the ones in the white hats). It was simply
too much to overcome. On the other hand, since U-Ho obviously places such a
high priority on its fashion statements, the MMQB must salute the beautiful
symmetry the Quackers produced between their helmet logo and their scoring
column. ’Twas a thing o’ beauty, ’twas. Given recent developments, one
wonders whether a pack of snarlin’ Barkrats might just be able to overcome
the loss of their do-everything running back Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard
and still invade Anarchy Central, storm the Concrete Bunker, take the Field
Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record, and emerge victorious. Oh,
but we can hope and pray, can’t we?
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Much of the conference was again idle this week, but Stunnedford managed to
lose to Notre Shame in the annual match up of Ty Willingham’s former
employers. The Weis Guys pulled off their longest play of the year, a 46
yard run, on the opening drive and then withstood a late Tree rally to win
21-14. With the victory, the Beadrubbers will retain the Pretension Cup for
another year. In a game actually featuring Division 1-quality athletes, U$C
Condoms dominated ASU 44-24. The Condoms recorded six sacks and held the
Stun Devils to 14 yards rushing. It was almost as if Dirk “Hair” Koetter
had never left. After the game, Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was
spotted tearfully putting his “Let’s Toast Victory” shot glass back on the
shelf in favor of his “Drowning My Sorrows” shot glass. You’ve got to hand
it to the guy; he’s well prepared.
SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR JULIANNE D.
Cue up the famous “plastics” scene in “The Graduate.” Now, in keeping with
that scene, the MMQB has just one word for you:
“Billiards.”
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 1
Predominantly black Delaware State has complained for years that the
predominantly white University of Delaware, despite being located an hour’s
drive away, has refused to schedule a game between the two. The NCAA fixed
that by pairing the two in the first round of the 1AA playoffs. A Hollywood
script would have the aggrieved Hornets blasting the condescending Blue
Hens. But this ain’t Hollywood, baby, and Delaware outgained State 536-144
in a dominating 44-6 victory. By the way, Blue Hen fans, the MMQB knows
where you can get some slightly used T-shirts reading “We’re not arrogant.
We’re just better than you” – cheap!
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 2
As expected, on the heels of a Colorado loss in which they surrendered 65
points and the resulting non-bowl season, Nebraska sh*t-canned coach Bill
Callahan. You will recall that Callahan, who was 27-21 in his Cornholer
career, was the guy brought in to quell the fears that Frank Solich (58-19
in his seven seasons) was allowing the program to “slip into mediocrity.”
Ole Miss similarly flushed its coach, Ed Orgeron. The former Condom special
teams coach went 10-25 over three seasons, including a dismal 2007 in which
the Rebs were winless in the SEC and only 3-9 overall (their wins coming
over Memphis, La Tech and NW State, which is presumably a school somewhere
and not a correctional facility.) You will recall that Orgeron replaced
David Cutliffe, who somehow managed to lure Eli Manning to Oxford to follow
in his father’s cleatsteps rather than going to Tennessee to follow in his
brother’s. Cutliffe went 44-29 in six seasons, and was only one year
removed from the school’s first 10-win campaign in roughly forever when he
got the boot. And don’t even get me started on Notre Shame’s decision to
kick Willingham to the curb, replace him with Fat Charlie, and then give the
rotund one a 10-year, $25 million contract extension mid-way through his
first f*ckin’ season. AD’s are lucky that they don’t have to pass some sort
of competency test. Decisions like these are why God invented the mulligan.
QUICK HITTERS
Best Argument For a Playoff System – Georgia defeated G-Tech 31-17. The
Dawgs have been barkin’ lately, and they may well be one of the best two
teams (along with a suddenly healthy U$C Condom squad) in the country in the
moment. Alas, they’ll never have a chance to prove it. ***** Best Argument
Against a Playoff System – Let’s hear it for the Missouri Tigers and their
head coach, former U-Dub assistant Gary Pinkel! They defeated previously
unbeaten Kansas and now are rated #1 in all the land. If they can hold
serve against the Okies, they’re playing for all the marbles. Pinkel
deserves serious kudos for spotting and recruiting talents like nifty if
undersized QB Chase Daniels and WR Jeremy Macklin (all he’s done is set the
all-time freshman total yards record) to Columbia, MO – not exactly the
white-hot center of the college football universe. That sound you hear is a
chorus of Tyee boosters mumbling, “Told you so!” *****I Can’t Hear You! -
LSU, playing to keep its national title hopes alive, lost its second
three-OT game of the year, this time 50-48 to talented but one-dimensional
Arkansas. Perhaps the Mouth of the South will finally take the MMQB’s
advice to sit back, put his feet up, and enjoy a hot, steaming cup of Shut
The F*ck Up. ***** Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya -
Apparently one step ahead of the Lord High Executioner, A&M coach Dennis
Franchione resigned immediately following his Aggies’ upset of arch-rival
Texas. For more inside information on the decision, Coach Fran has a blog
that dedicated readers can access for a mere $1500 an issue. ***** Ain’t
Over ‘Til It’s Over – Chadron State (huh?) erased a 29-point fourth quarter
deficit to beat Abilene Christian 76-73 in three overtimes. The game set a
record for the most total points ever scored in the Division II playoffs.
I’m sure Abilene Christian players are taking great comfort in their role in
making history. ***** Like Son, Like Father? – Last year, Bobby Bowden made
the difficult decision to fire his own son, the fruit of his loins, as
Florida State offensive coordinator. Following a 45-12 shellacking at the
hands of Urban Legend and the Gators, which culminated yet another 7-5
season, Semi-hole fans might be wondering if it’s not time for Bowden the
Elder to follow his son’s lead. ***** All Around Bad Day For Huskies – West
Virginia proved what many learned observers, including the MMQB, have felt
for some time: that U-Conn was vastly overrated. By smashing the HECE
(Huskies, East Coast Edition) 66-21, the Mountaineers not only stole
Cinderella’s glass slipper; they ran a Mac truck over it and peed on the
shards. ***** They Kick Is Up … - And the kick is good! Clemson
defeated South Carolina 23-21 on a last-second field goal. Immediately
after the play, Steve Superior drop-kicked his visor through the uprights.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – Over the past couple years, a number of loyal (read: deeply disturbed)
readers have suggested that the MMQB look for a way to syndicate his
ramblings and actually make a buck or seven off his dementia. Not a bad
thought, but not exactly in keeping with the history and operating tenets of
the MMQB. However, as I mentioned at the top of this week’s missive, this
is the holiday season. So I humbly request that all readers – whether you
get this message directly from me or from a friend of a friend of your
cousin’s former boss who gets it from his garbage man – ask themselves to
put a price on the entertainment value received from reading this drivel
each week. And then, in addition to whatever charitable contributions you
normally make this time of year, write one extra check in that amount to a
good cause. (And in case you’re wondering, the University of Zero athletic
fund does NOT qualify as a good cause!) Thank you very much.
OK, class; today’s assignment is to define “the perfect weekend.” For most,
that definition includes some combination of a private jet to Augusta for 36
at The National with Tiger and Jack, followed by a fine repast of steak,
lobster and a few bottles of Chateau Petrus 1948, and an evening (or two) of
creative debauchery with an olive oil-slathered trifecta of Scarlett
Johansson, Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie. Not bad, no, not bad at all.
But in the MMQB’s book, that would run a close second to the magical weekend
when the Beloved Purple and Gold overcome long odds to savor an unexpected
victory, the Boogs implode like the Hindenburg and the Zeroes once again
wave good-bye to their national title hopes. And then bring on Augusta,
dinner and the wenches!
A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STADIUM IN AMERICA
True Confession: falling temperatures, howling winds and horizontal rains
collectively injected a modicum of good sense into the usually feeble brains
of the Rumpled Publisher and me late Saturday morning, so we decided to
watch our beloved Pooches whilst sipping a few glasses of Guinness (“for
strength”) and basking in the warmth of a local eatery. We then came to the
sad realization that perhaps our presence in the stadium itself was creating
some strange ripple in the force, because from a distance what we saw bore a
striking resemblance to a football team. Oh sure, there were times,
especially during the first half, when our defensive backfield parted like
the thighs of a drunken prom queen, but any believer in truth, justice and
the American way has to be pleased with a second half effort that held the
Old-and-Bares to 115 total yards and a measly three points. Not to mention
a running game that chewed up 334 yards, with two backs going well over the
century mark, and milked the clock with 18 consecutive running plays in the
fourth quarter. After the game, Cal QB Nate “Not So Great” Longshore was
left shaking his head and saying, “We’re fighting for our lives right now,
trying to not let the wheels fall completely off.” Uh, Nate, I hate to be
the one to break it to you, but when you were on the verge of becoming #1 in
all the land and now you’re #7 in the Pathetic10, having just had the
Huskydawgs shove the ball down your team’s collective throats, the lug nuts
are not only gone, but the oil pan is leaky and the tranny is throwing up
sparks as it skids along the asphalt. And as nice as it was to see Good
Dawg Carl do well in managing the game for the home eleven, it will be even
better to see the Savior stroll across Lake Washington and onto the field
for the 100th Apple Cup. It’s all good news for the Mutts. Except for the
fact that the Ink-Stained Wretch and I are planning to be in the stands.
Unless, of course, it rains…
AFLACS PLAY LIKE NUMBER TWO; TITLE HOPES FLUSHED
What do you call a Duck with a national title ring? A thief.
Wuh-ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s right; thanks to our new best friends, the Arizona
Mildcats, fans of the University of Zero must continue to gaze longingly
northward should they want to take in the glorious sight of a college
football national title banner. As it was, as it is, as it should be.
Thursday night, on a national television stage, the Slug-eaters became the
second-ranked team to go down like Larry Craig in a men’s room stall. The
visitors from Anarchy Central took the field in a festive combination of
green helmets, white diamond-plate jerseys, and black diamond-plate pants.
You’ll notice that only one of these three is actually an official school
color, but that’s another story. Superstitious Uck fans are blaming this
cursed uniform combination, in which the team is now 0-3, for the loss.
Fans of every other college football team are blaming this cursed uniform
combination for the loss of their lunch, but that’s another story, too.
Anyway, as hideous as the uniforms were, the game itself was a beautiful
thing to behold. Before any of you little Quackerbackers get your feathers
all a-twitter, let me emphasize that the MMQB never likes to see an athlete
get hurt. This is especially true of any performer the quality of Dennis
“The Menace” Dixon, who is said to be so distraught that he will purposely
forego his Billiards 107 mid-term exam, despite knowing that this brash
behavior puts at risk his inclusion on the dean’s list for this quarter.
But after watching Dixon go down, Brady “Turnover Anew” Leaf limping around
and multiple officials’ and replay calls (most accurately, but some perhaps
not so much) going the Mildcat way, one could only conclude that karma does
indeed even out. It’s just so unusual – and so satisfying – to see it
concentrated within the happy confines of a single game. For years, the
Ladies of the Knight have been the beneficiaries of a series of bizarre
circumstances that have kept their opponents’ key players out of one game
after another, not to mention incompetent officiating, odd bounces of the
ball, and God know what other tricks Phil has had up his swoosh-encrusted
sleeves. While it hasn’t all evened out just yet – no, we are a long, long
way from the scales being truly balanced – what we saw in Tucson represents
a really nice down payment on that bill. And with Dixon out for the count,
further L’s may well be on the horizon. Life is good.
WHAT’S A COUGAR’S FAVORITE PASTRY? THE TURNOVER!
Are we witnessing the end of the Yabba-Doba-Doo era in Pull-my-finger-man?
It certainly has that feel, doesn’t it? The 20,000 lost souls who were
either too drunk or too delusional to get out of town for Thanksgiving break
were treated to a Wazzu offensive display that was truly … well,
offensive. Alex “Season On The” Brink, having already set career marks for
passing yards and touchdowns, continued his quest to rewrite the Boog record
book. He tied a school record for ineptitude with six interceptions, five
of them coming in the first half. Imagine how atrocious he could have been
had the Barkrats not had half of their starting secondary suspended for the
first two quarters! The rest of the team didn’t help much: seven of their
first nine possessions ended in miscues, and they stumbled, bumbled and
fumbled their way to a total of eight turnovers during the game. And that
doesn’t even count yet another unsuccessful fake punt, their fourth whiff in
the last two seasons. We haven’t seen that kind of largesse since Ed
McMahon went on a three-day bender in a trailer park and nearly bankrupted
the Publishers Clearing House. As a result, Pull-my-finger-man remains the
place where tractors go to rust and bowl dreams go to die.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Other than the games already so brilliantly summarized by your humble
reporter, there was no PAC to run with this weekend. The U$C Condoms and
ASU Stun Devils are off until their big show down on Turkey Day. And
speaking of turkeys, we are in the unusual and unenviable position of
cheering for Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson as additional insurance
against the Anarchists sharing in the conference crown (on the off chance
that Brady turns over a new Leaf and actually begins completing passes in
the Foul Fowls’ remaining games). Meanwhile, Stunnedford and (f)UCLA were
also lounging around with their cleats on the furniture, waiting for Notre
Shame and Orygun, respectively, to visit their homes this coming Saturday.
Let’s hope they’re both well rested and deliver unto their visitors the
ass-kickin’s both so richly deserve.
THIS JUST IN
The University of Zero loss to the Mildcats Friday night foiled one of Uncle
Phil’s more devilishly fiendish plots. Bear with me now, gentle readers,
bear with me. Rewind your memory banks two weeks. The Ucks were stuck in
third place in the B(c)S poll and, given their remaining games, they had
little chance to leapfrog either LSU or THE Ohio State University. Clearly
something had to be done to clear a path for their undeserving title
aspirations. Enter Uncle Phil, as usual. Here for your edification and
reading enjoyment is the unedited transcript of a cell phone call
intercepted by MMQB operatives:
Knight: ”Here’s what you’re going to do, Jim. Assign your worst
officiating crew to the Ohio State – Illinois game. They’ll screw things up
somehow.”
Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney: ”I can’t do that, Phil. It’s the biggest
game of the year so far.”
Knight: ”Listen to me, punk. Eight of your eleven teams wear my stuff. We
pay big bucks to your teams. We own you.”
Delaney: (sigh) “OK.”
Knight: ”I beg your pardon?”
Delaney: ”OK, your Highness.”
And, sure enough, an officiating crew facing a suspension for incompetence
ended up working the Buckeye – Illini game. And, predictably enough, they
screwed the pooch, blowing a fumble call on Illinois’ first TD drive that
could have changed the whole complexion of the game. So Uncle Phil’s plan
worked to perfection and Ohio State plummeted from the top of the polls. In
the face of such dastardly shenanigans, and the spirit of the season, let us
all give sincere thanks that the AFLACs’ stay in the title hunt was
nevertheless blessedly short.
TINKER HATFIELD MUST DIE
As if we needed further evidence of the nearly irreparable damage inflected
on its innocent victims by the demented members of the Swoosh design team,
the MMQB offers two simple statistics for your consideration. It’s been
seven seasons since Tinker and the Belles got their pansy-ass needles and
thread on the classic uniforms once donned by the Mutts of Montlake. In
doing so, they have mutated our Beloved Purple and Gold into a
not-so-beloved mauve and beige, and have transformed our once-snarling
Huskydawgs into a pack of whimpering pups. Over the course of these seven
years, U-Dub has gone a dismal 33-49 (winning percentage of 0.402, which in
baseball gets you into the hall of fame, but in college football gets you
b*tch-slapped behind the stadium.) By way of comparison, during the seven
seasons before Uncle Phil’s henchmen wreaked havoc on our program (which
included most of the Jim Halfbright era, not exactly the Husky highpoint of
the last couple decades) the Pooches were an altogether respectable 55-27-1
(winning percentage of 0.671). Somewhere in the darkest corner of a
Malaysian sweatshop, the Swooshmeisters have discovered some secret
energy-sapping chemical and devilishly infused it into any cloth even
remotely resembling a shade of purple. The MMQB’s crack research team has
uncovered the evidence, Browns. We have the photos, the journals, the
travel receipts, the wiretaps. Your house of cards is about to fall. It
will all be over soon.
QUICK HITTERS
Time To Polish The Resume – Kent Briggs was fired as head football coach at
Western Carolina last week, right after his team gave up 79 points to
arch-rival Appalachian State. That whimpering noise you hear is Bill
Callaghan considering his future employment prospects in Lincoln. *****
NBC, The Least Watched Network for College Football – Peacock executives had
to be thrilled with their multi-million dollar commitment to Notre Shame
football, especially when Saturday’s game pitted the 1-9 Rudies (#117 in
scoring and #119 in total offense out of 119 D-1 teams) against the 1-9 Blue
Devils of Puke (#111 and #117, respectively, in those two categories).
Despite the Catholics’ stirring 28-7 victory, Fat Charlie announced that he
would check in with his old pals on the Patriots’ staff for counsel after
the season. Presumably their advice will include the phrase, “get a
telescope and a digital camera…” ***** Uff Da -Wisconsin came from behind
to nip Mini-soda 41-34 in the annual Lutefisk Bowl. For the victory, The
“We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers get to keep the bowl, while the Golden
Gofers are left with the actual lutefisk. ***** Why Cubans Hate Thomas
Jefferson – Virginia Tech drilled Miami 44-14. Over the past two weeks, the
Canes have been outscored 92-14 by teams from the Commonwealth of Virginia.
Fortunately for the denizens of South Beach, VMI isn’t on the schedule.
***** History 143 – Lafayette defeated Lehigh 21-17. For those keeping
track, it was the 143rd meeting between the schools. Simply knowing that
fact is enough to earn a football player three History credits at the
University of Zero, assuming of course that he’s not too busy playing
billiards. ***** Boolah Boolah – What report would be complete without a
quick update on Harvard-Yale? The game was expected to be a close one, with
both teams coming into the game undefeated in Ivy League play. But the
Crimson dominated the action, prevailing 37-6 and laying claim to the Lucky
Sperm Cup for another year. *****Rammer Jammer, Nail Your Thumb With a
Yellow Hammer – Ya think ‘Bama might have been looking forward to next
week’s Iron Bowl against arch-rival Auburn? The Tide lost its third
straight as they were shut out in the second half of a 21-14 loss to lowly
Louisiana-Monroe. After the massive upset, the MMQB respectfully suggests
that ‘Bama coach Nick Saban invest some of his $4 Million annual salary in a
little Kevlar to wear around Tuscaloosa. *****Not In Kansas Anymore, Todo?
- The unbeaten Jayhawks annihilated Iowa State 45-7. After the game, rumors
were flying that Mark Mangino would be headed to Alabama. Not as the coach;
as the mascot. ***** Sticky Fingers – Twenty Ole Miss players have been
suspended for stealing items from the team hotel before the last couple
games. If only they’d been as good at holding onto the ball: two turnovers
at the LSU goal line were their undoing in a 41-24 loss to the Tigers.
***** Keep Your Hands In Your Pockets, Joe – Wyoming lost to B-Y-Who 35-10.
But it was a moral victory for Cowboy head coach Joe Glenn, who refrained
from any obscene gestures this week. You’ll recall that last week he
flipped the bird to the Utah sideline after the Utes tried an onside kick
while leading 43-0. At that point, a little “you’re #1″ signal seemed in
order. ***** It Doesn’t Take A Rocket Scientist — …to know that when you
are blessed with a sensational talent like Darren McFadden, your team should
be better than 3-4 in conference play. But this disappointing season,
coupled with parental revolt last offseason, reportedly has Arkansas coach
Nutt on his way out of Fayetteville. ”Houston, we have a problem…”
*****Baby, You Can Drive My Carr … – … right out of Ann Arbor. Michigan
coach Lloyd Carr, 1-6 in his last seven against the Buckeyes, is announcing
his retirement. Carr’s trip into the sunset will be his only decent drive
of the week, as the Wolverines stumbled their way to a paltry 91 yards of
total offense against (T)OSU. ***** Flip It, Flip It Good – The
commemorative coin used to start the UM-OSU game had Woody Hayes on one side
and Bo Schembechler on the other. Unfortunately for the Big Ten, when the
coin was flipped, those images magically transformed into John McKay and
both teams came up losers.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
True story: I’m leaving the local casino Saturday night following an
especially productive session of Texas Hold ‘Em when what do I spy but a
middle-aged fellow in tattered green sweatshirt and a dirty, dingy “O” hat,
with a gun in his hand and tears rolling down his cheeks. Being the brave
Good Samaritan that I am, I asked what was wrong. “I’ve lost my job,” he
mumbled, voice barely above a whisper as he tried in vain to choke back the
tears. “I was trying to win enough money to pay the rent, and instead I
lost all my savings.” Thinking quickly in an attempt to find something
positive, I said, “Well, that’s not good, but I’m sure that you have
something to live for. I bet your family still loves you.” “No,” he wailed
in reply. “My wife just left me and took the kids.” Ouch. Clearly this
Good Sam stuff was going to be harder than I’d expected. Struggling with
what to say next, the best I could manage was, “Well, there’s always Jake.”
He looked at me quizzically, and asked, “Jake who?” “What are you waiting
for, you stupid son-of-a-bitch? Pull the f*cking trigger!”
IT’S COME TO THIS: A MORAL VICTORY … AGAINST THE BARKRATS
There were moments Saturday, as the Savor lay prostrate on the plasti-grass
of the Barkrat Bean Dip Bowl, that the MMQB seriously doubted his ability to
write anything about this game. But seeing Him rise from the dead as he did
and make his way to the sidelines before the game was over – no doubt
visiting a few terminal patients at Corvallis General before returning to
the stadium – was enough to put my shredded nerves to rest. And so I ask:
how could any sports fan be anything but proud of the gallant warriors of
the Beloved Purple and Gold, those overmatched but lovable mutts of
Montlake, after they battled so valiantly against the evil Barkrat Empire?
So many other teams, after watching their most (some would say, only)
talented player carted off on a stretcher, after having their emotional
heart ripped out like a Mayan virgin on the vernal equinox, would fold like
a poker player holding deuce-seven off-suit in the face of an all-in raise.
But not these plucky pooches! No, they kept coming back on the Barkrats
like bad Mexican food. And by dint of a couple of improbable long TD passes
and one horrific officials’ call (finally going in our favor) on Yvenson
“And Hedges” Bernard’s phantom phumble, the brave student-athletes
representing the Northwest’s pre-eminent public university came within a
whisker of pulling out an improbable and highly motivational victory. In
fact, if it weren’t for the uncanny accuracy of the Barkrats’ 17-year
veteran place-kicker, Alexis Serna “Perfect Sleeper,” who added five more
field goals to up his career mark against the Dawgs to 147 for 147, we might
have been able to replace the adjective “moral” with “improbable and
stirring come-from-behind” in describing the victory. Instead, we must face
the grim reality that for the first time in the 118-year history of
Washington football, our BP&G will log their fourth consecutive losing
season. Sigh…
LADIES OF THE KNIGHT PUT THEIR FEET UP FOR THE WEEK
Well here’s a surprise: the one time that the AFLACs have their QB a little
dinged up is the one week that they square off against the always-tough
B-Y-E. Of course, it’s not all beer and skittles for Dennis “The Menace”
Dixon, as his hot tub appointments and happy-ending messages, delivered by
Inga, the Elin Nordegren look-alike Swedish massage therapist Uncle Phil so
thoughtfully flies in from Stockholm, are occasionally interrupted by his
grueling academic schedule. In case you missed it, Dixon is emulating Matt
Leinert’s rigorous class schedule by enrolling in a single course. One.
Of course, any scholar-athlete could be forgiven a desire to coast just a
bit during the season if he were facing a ball-buster course like
Multivariate Calculus or Existential Philosophy. But the only balls Dixon
might be busting are on the break – his only course is Billiards. As in
Pool. Nine ball. Snooker. Ah, the rigors of academia in Eugene! I sure
hope the young man is able to recover in time for his team’s upcoming two
road tests against the ‘Zona Mildcats and the Ruins, who as per tradition
again will be led into battle with the AFLACs by a fourth-string quarterback
who is a converted wide receiver. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on
here, Browns – your swoosh-laden fingerprints are all over this sh*t…
CARDINAL SINS LIFT PALOUSE PUMAS TO POTENTIAL PRIZE
Having just scored to make the score 13-7, the Trees kicked off and the
Wazzu return man stereotypically couged it, fumbling to set up the visitors
from Palo Alto with a first and goal at the Boog four. Unfortunately, the
best that the Stunnedford offense could do was three ill-advised passes,
each into double coverage, and then settle for a field goal which not only
kept the Cougs in the lead but also gave them a huge boost in momentum, and
that was about that. Oh yeah, try to stifle that yawn when you learn that
Wazzu’s senior QB Alex “Season On The” Brink broke the school’s career
record for touchdown passes. It’s that kind of performance that has
reportedly made him a finalist for both the Wuerffel and Draddy Awards.
(Not to be bitter or anything, but do we need any further evidence that the
proliferation of college football awards has gotten more than a little out
of hand? Who the f*ck was Draddy, anyway?) Oh well, with this unimpressive
win over Stunnedford, the Boogs retain hopes of becoming bowl eligible,
hopes currently dangling by a very thin pubic hair. The MMQB believes the
best scenario would be for the Palouse Pussies to need a victory in the
Apple Cup (aka, the Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl) only to have their
hopes crash along the rocky shore of Lake Washington as revenge for 1982 and
1983. Unfortunately for Dawgfan entrepreneurs everywhere, I don’t think
that those “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bell Helicopter Armed
Forces Bowl” t-shirts are going to be real hot sellers.
SMALL COLLEGES GOING OUT NOT WITH A BANG BUT A WHIMPER
The fine scholar-athletes representing some of our favorite Northwest
institutions of higher learning are stumbling to the finish line. For
instance, the mighty Logs of U-Pay-Us knew they would have to watch the
turnovers if they were to upend two-time conference champion Whitworth. And
watch them they did, one right after another, as three first-half miscues
dug them a 27-point hole that they were never able to recover from in a
34-13 loss to the Pirates. Meanwhile, the Bare P*ssies of Willamette
surrendered eight quarterback sacks in a 17-10 loss to the PLUtes. (Cue
Fred Gwynne in My Cousin Vinny: “Did you say Utes?”)
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was able to lift his ceremonial shot
glass and toast another victory as his Stun Devils got back on track with a
24-20 victory over (f)UCLA. The game moves the Tortilla Tossers to 9-1 and
sets up a monumental clash with U$C in Tempe on Turkey Day. And speaking of
U$C, Chauncey “Didn’t Go To” Washington finally earned his booster paycheck
by going off for a career-best 220 yards rushing to help the Condoms wrap up
a 24-20 victory over Cal. The Fighting Tedheads were decked out in
throw-back uniforms, replacing their Tinker Hatfield designer duds.
Remember when you’d see the occasional throw-back jerseys on television and
think how quaint and goofy they looked in comparison to the uniforms of the
day? Now they just look classic …
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S MMQB TEST REVEALED!
Well, I guess that just about settles that. Last week your most humble and
obedient servant asked whether Notre Shame or Nebraska was more pathetic at
this juncture. The Weis Guys promptly went out and got themselves dominated
by another service academy at home as Air Force ran around, through and over
them in a 41-24 victory that wasn’t as close as the score would indicate.
Fat Charlie has finally delivered on his promise to take the program places
it’s never been, as Our Ladies of Perpetual Fumbles have now lost nine games
in a season for the first time in school history. In fact, the only good
news for the Beadrubbers this week was that DNA evidence cleared the Gipper
in a paternity dispute 87 years after his death. So they got that going for
them. Meanwhile, in beautiful downtown Lincoln, N-Is-For-’Nowledge Nebraska
continued to stage its own demented version of That Seventies Show. One
week after getting roasted for 76 points by Kansas, the Cornholers hung a
cool 73 on K-State. Quarterback Joe Gann, who has replaced erstwhile Stun
Devil Sam “Psycho” Keller as Bill Callahan’s trigger man (a phrase many
Nebraska’s would like to interpret literally) passed for 510 yards and a
school-record seven TDs in the win.
A SPECIAL DOFFING OF THE MMQB CAP TO …
…Prairie View A&M! With the Panthers’ 30-27 victory over Jackson State,
the Texas school has notched its first winning season in 31 years! (That’s
nearly as long as Bobber has kept some of his golf shirts, the ones that
look like the purloined seat covers from a ‘62 VW.) Included in those
three-plus decades of utter futility were a record-setting 80 straight
losses in the 1990’s, nearly double the second-longest losing streak in 1-AA
history, Columbia’s infamous 44-game skid. PVA&M’s worst year might have
been 1991, when they scored a grand total of 48 points all season, while
given up an average of 56 per contest. The low point that year might have
been when they were outscored 194-0 in three consecutive games, proving once
that the MMQB’s storied career was not the high in lows that many
misinformed sports fans might make it out to be. Anyway, all that is but a
distant and happily fading memory now that the Panthers are going to record
a winning season. In other words, roughly the same warm and fuzzy feeling
we all can look forward to in another 28 years or so at U-Dub…
QUICK HITTERS
Friday Knights Lights – Not sure if Keira “Do Her” Knightly was watching or
not, but on Friday (k)night, the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers destroyed the
Black Knights of Army 41-6. The MMQB hasn’t seen a black knight so
thoroughly dominated since Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “‘Tis but a
flesh wound. Come back here! I’ll bite your legs off!” Meanwhile, Army is
considering outsourcing its football program to Halliburton. ***** Speaking
of the (No) Defense Department – Navy and North Texas both might want to
requisition a few more stoppers after their 74-62 shoot-out set a record for
most combined points scored in a major college game. The two teams also set
records for most points scored in a half, at 94, and in a quarter, 63.
Either the coaches made some key adjustments or the offenses got tired in
the second half, as they could only tack another 42 on the board in the
final two quarters. The Mean Green’s Giovanni Vizza threw an NCAA freshman
record 8 TD pass. Of course, he’s no Jimmy Clausen, mind you… ***** What
Were They, Stalling? – Compared to Navy and North Texas, Richmond and
Delaware are nothing but a couple of pikers. Sure, the Spiders rolled up 62
points to the Blue Hens’ mere 56, but it took them five overtimes to get
there. ***** Even at Home, Spurrier Can’t Go Home Again – One week after
being shredded for 486 yards rushing by Arkansas’ Darren McFadden and Felix
Jones, Spurrier’s Not-So-Gamecocks were more balanced in their ineptitude in
Saturday’s 51-31 loss to his alma mater. Gator QB Tim Tebow accounted for
seven TDs, but mixed it up with five rushing and two passing. Cheer up,
Steve: The season’s almost over and you can put that Augusta membership to
good use soon. *****They’ve Got a Fever and the Only Prescription is More
Cowbell! – Bulldog fans got plenty of opportunity to ring their traditional
noisemakers as Mississippi State upset Alabama 17-12. The turning point and
winning margin in the contest came in the form of a 100+ yard interception
return at the end of the first half. Meanwhile, Bear Bryant had dry heaves
in the void. ***** The Bear is Joined by Woody – Illinois knocked An Ohio
State University from the ranks of the unbeaten with a 28-21 victory in the
Big Horseshoe. (Once you lose a game, you lose the right to use that
presumptuous “The” in your name.) It was the first time an Illini team had
beaten a #1 team since 1956. You knew it was going to be a bad day for the
Buckeyes when their tuba player accidentally dotted the H in the band’s
traditional pre-game performance. *****Broncos Bully – With a 52-0
whitewashing of Utah State, Boise State moved to 8-0 since losing to U-Dub.
Would anyone really mind (or notice) if we switched to the WAC for a few
seasons? ***** Fear the Turtle – Maryland sent BC to its second consecutive
loss since peaking at #2 in the nation, 42-35. This was clearly not a good
day for the Catholics. ***** It’s the Burning in My Eyes, Coach! – After
rallying from 17 down to tie the score in the fourth quarter, the Louisville
defense, never to be confused with the old Steel Curtain, finally caved and
West Virginia escaped with a 38-31 victory. Word is that the Cardinal
defenders suffered from prolonged exposure to the Mountaineers’ neon
Cheeto-colored uniforms, a grotesquery of nearly Oregonian proportions.
***** Unlucky #13 – Cincinatti drilled #13 U-Conn 27-3, proving once and for
all that the East Coast Huskies were not “U-Conntenders” after all. *****
Greatest Product Plug Since Gator Aid – Kentucky slipped past Vanderbilt
27-20. What do you expect when the Wildcats represent KY? ***** It’s a Mad,
Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – Anyone looking for evidence of that wackiness has
replaced color and pageantry as the defining characteristic of college
football need look no further than Utah’s 50-0 destruction of Wyoming on
Saturday. Those possessing the same steel-trap memory as the MMQB (or
anyone stupid enough to read his weekly drivel) will recall that this is the
same Cowboy team that on the first weekend of the season upended Virginia,
which just happens to be leading the ACC Coastal Division. ***** Whammy II
- Speaking of the Cavs, they squared off against the Canes in Miami’s final
game in the historic Orange Bowl and walked out with a 48-0 victory. On the
bright side for Miami fans, despite getting shut out, the Canes did complete
nine passes, or exactly nine times as many as the one (one!) they completed
last week against NC State. Still, losing 48-0 in your final game in what
was once the most feared venue in college football must leave a pretty bad
taste in your mouth. Like that “who glued the dead possum to my tongue?”
feeling you get the morning after a long night of spicy nachos, bad cigars
and way too much cheap tequila. Or like having a certain Northwest team
which wears purple and gold but will remain nameless march into South
Florida and put an end to your 58-game home winning streak. Ah, the
memories … who doesn’t love curling up on the couch with a beer and some
chips and watching his video of The Whammy in Miami?
AND THE MMQB “OH COME ON NOW” AWARD GOES TO…
I try to play nice. Really I do. But sometimes public displays of
mind-numbing stupidity just send the MMQB right over the edge. Example:
I’m sitting there, watching ESPN’s “College Football Live” and just minding
my own business, when a message that insults the intelligence of every
viewer comes across my TV screen. It’s an e-mail submission from some
waste-of-skin idiot in Eugene, OR, and I quote, “Don’t compare Dennis Dixon
to Vince Young. Dixon is a more accurate passer and runs 100 times better!”
Now let’s face it, a comment like that scarcely deserves response. But the
MMQB is not one to keep the bat on his shoulder when presented with a fat
one down the center of the plate. It’s simply not why all you loyal readers
pay me the big bucks. I am nearly at a loss for words that will adequately
describe the utter and pitiable lunacy of our poor, delusional anarchist.
Nearly, but not quite. While the MMQB begrudgingly concedes that Dennis
Dixon is a very good player who will be in Gotham as a Heisman finalist (and
potential winner) this year, Vince Young is a transcendent,
once-in-a-generation freak of an athlete. Any reasonable fan would take
pride in one his players being compared to the Donghorn legend. Failure to
recognize the difference between the two is the especially annoying brand of
swoosh-blinded homerism that has made the University of Zero the crotch rot
of college sports, a supreme irritant to anyone coming into contact with it.
In fact, it’s this arriviste “look at me, look at me” attitude that is
driving all fair-minded fans of college football to pray to their respective
deities for divine providence in support of the Mildcats, Ruins, and
Barkrats; to root with all their might for LSU to continue winning; to kill
the fatted calf in hopes that either Kansas or Oklahoma will win out and get
a big bump in the strength of schedule column; and to hope Michigan goes
down like Larry Craig in an airport john when they play tOSU, thereby
hurting the Quacks’ strength-of-schedule factor, and anything else we can
think of. Hell, at this point, I’d settle for some monumental blunder by
Pathetic10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hanson, who could f*ck up a two-car
funeral. Or even your good, old-fashioned case of East Coast bias.
Anything, anything I tell you. This scourge must be stopped.
“We’re on a mission from God…”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
Phew. That was close. Having finally got to my motel room in the town of
my youth on a trip to check on my mother’s surgery recovery, I immediately
flipped on the Glass Teat. What was the first play I saw but a wide-open
Anthony Russo dropping a sure touchdown pass? I vowed on the spot that if
the Beloved Purple and Gold continued to play like Special Olympians, the
MMQB would immediately and irrevocably cancel his remaining installments of
insightful and unbiased commentary on the color and pageantry of college
football, and instead regale his loyal and long-suffering readers with
timely highlights from a wide range of other endeavors, including “Your
Friend, the Distributor Cap,” “Great Moments in British Cuisine,” and
“Celebrity Curling Bloopers.” Fortunately, the Pooches came through with a
timely victory, saving us all from a month of reportage on Bea Arthur’s
bruised buttocks. I would think that even our feathered fowl friends can
agree that this is a very, very good thing.
DAWGS LIFT COLLECTIVE LEGS ON TREES
For most the past month, the MMQB has looked pitifully at the Dawgs of
Defense, like Vito Corleone tearfully inspecting Sonny’s bullet-riddled
corpse lying coldly on the mortician’s slab. ”Look at how they massacred my
boys…” But for whatever reason – divine intervention perhaps – a defense
that has been giving it up like a $2 whore rose up like villagers storming
Frankenstein’s castle, holding the Trees to a mere 253 yards and 9
inconsequential points. Remember, this was an offense that had hung 41
(that’s 13 more than the AFLAC juggernaut, folks) on the Condoms a few weeks
ago. The other positive sign was the return of a running game: Louis
“Happy Feet” Rankin “And Rating” (sorry, gratuitous Intel inside joke there)
piled up 255 yards, the most since rent-a-back Corey Dillon scorched the
Quackers for 259 back in 1996. (Ah, those were the days, my friends; we
thought they’d never end…) Meanwhile the Savior added another 97.
Redshirt frosh Locker has already gained more rushing yards this season than
any Mutt QB in history, and he is on pace to be the program’s first 1,000
yard rusher since Rashaan She-he-he-he, of the all-pronoun team. We must
keep in mind that it was, after all, just Stunnedford, but a 27-9 victory
looks mighty, mighty fine after six straight defeats. Think of it is the
moral equivalent of the bubble-headed bleach blonde bimbo who grows
increasingly attractive with each double scotch. Not that the MMQB would
know anything about that…
“THUMGATE:” DEVILS STUNNED AS AFLAC SCREWS OVER CARPENTER
In the type of short-sighted insurance move that has driven addle-minded
Washington voters to the brink of approving the draconian R-67, the AFLACs
jerked around ASU QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, whose injured thumb was a
key factor knocking the Tempe Tortilla Tossers from the ranks of the
unbeaten. To be perfectly fair – and God knows that the MMQB is nothing if
not fair – even a perfectly healthy Carpenter may not have had the tools to
offset the onslaught of the Flockers, their feathers all a-ruffled on
Saturday afternoon. To add insult to the QB’s injury, the home team
unveiled their new Packers-on-Peyote look, green diamond-plate jerseys set
off sharply with cheddar-colored pants and, God help me I am not making this
sh*t up, bright yellow shoes. I swear; with their rainbow coalition of
demented uniform combinations, the Slug-eaters spend more time going in and
out of the closet than Anne Heche at a bisexuals’ convention.
Nevertheless, it’s tough to deny the fact that Uncle Phil, the George
Steinbrenner of NCAA football, is the best owner in the game today, his
misdirected largesse helping his Ladies of the Knight reach heights
previously unimagined in even the most ganja-gorged brains of the denizens
of Anarchy Central. All of which has the MMQB saying, “Quick, bring me the
bucket; I think I’m going to hurl.” No wait, what I meant to say was, “Go
Buckeyes! Go Tigers!” Actually, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but
for the unaffiliated, pure fan of college football, the best national title
game probably would be the Bayou Bengals and the Willamette Valley Webfeet:
The immovable object LSU defense squaring off against the unstoppable force;
the Mouth of the South forced to back up his war of words on the Pathetic10
on the field. Unfortunately, such a match-up would allow for the
possibility that some odd bounces of the old prolate spheroid (or some
covert payments, bizarre injuries, unbelievable replay calls, etc.) could
result in the – my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? – AFLACs being
crowned national champions, an outcome roughly akin to having your balls
shaved by Helga, a 375-pound blind lesbian with Parkinson’s disease and a
bad case of hiccups – in short, a fate far too horrendous for even a
nanosecond’s contemplation.
BOOGS STATE THEIR CASE
Just when you thought that Yaba-Doba-Doo and Co. had given up on their
season-long quest to take up residence in the basement of the Pathetic10,
they rise up and sleep-walk their way to a 20-17 loss to the reeling
California Old-and-Bares. The bore-a-thon was essentially Alex “Season on
the” Brink’s career in a nutshell: plenty of yards, but no victory. After
watching some of this game, the MMQB is prepared to amend his earlier
prediction and declare the Apple Cup (aka, Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl)
a toss-up.
SMALL COLLEGE CORNER
Willamette rolled up 681 yards of offense in a 77-17 thrashing of Lewis and
Clark, which is apparently so bad that even Sacajewa has given up on them.
Meanwhile, the vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us battled bravely before
dropping a 45-13 nail-biter to Menlo. Fortunately, Daughter MMQB the
Elder’s alma mater, the Whitworth Pirates (argh!) defended their conference
title with a 10-6 victory over visiting Linfield in the Pine Bowl. All
kidding aside, it’s pretty cool to think that for these athletes, virtually
none of whom have any aspirations (or delusions) of professional sports,
this could be the crowning glory of their athletic careers. Then there are
those of us who had no crowning glories in our athletic careers, but that’s
another long and tragic story…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The Ruins remain the Sybil of college football, one week up and the next
down. This time, ‘Zona’s Willie Tuitama-lama-ding-dong shredded their
normally stingy defense for 341 yards passing, three TD’s and no
interceptions in a 34-27 Mildcat victory. It appears his confidence got
something of a boost last week – go figure. Meanwhile, the Condoms finally
turned in the type of dominating performance their boosters are paying good
money for: a 24-3 Brazilian (aka, a waxing of the Beavers). So to speak…
Which brings us to:
GREAT MOMENTS IN ENFORCEMENT HISTORY (DUM-DADDA-DADDA-DUM-DADDA-DUM
)
This week, NCAA investigators met with a disgruntled sports agent who claims
to have given nearly $300k in cash and other benefits to Reggie Bush and
family throughout his college career, Reg having apparently really put the $
back in U$C. The witness, whose felony convictions may impair his
credibility a tad, also claims to have recordings of his conversations with
Bush, along with records of repayment, which would seem to prove that
benefits were received. Reports are that Reggie magically began driving a
pimped out car and living in a luxury condo, while his family took up
residence in a $700,000 house without paying a nickel in rent for more than
a year. All this took place, of course, under the noses of the U$C coaching
staff, whose skill in conveniently looking the other way rivals that of a
Swiss banker in 1940. Let’s face it, U$C ought to be going down like
right-wing Rep. Richard Curtis dropping to the knees of his red fishnets in
a Spokane adult bookstore. But we all know that this is the NCAA and this
is U$C, so we probably should expect more of a slap on the wrist than a kick
in the balls.
I DARE YOU TO TAKE THE MMQB TEST
Here’s a question that could stump even the studliest of the SAT studs at
Stunnedford. Which traditional football power, Nebraska or Notre Dame, is
more pathetic at the moment? Make your choice and defend your answer with
facts and data. The case for Nebraska: Lost to Kansas for the second time
in the last 39 games. No, I mean really lost, as in allowing 76 points.
Once-big-now-not-so-much-Red has given up 70 points twice in school history
- both on Callahan’s watch. The Cornholers sank to 4-6 after losing their
fifth straight for the first time in half a century. Gave up 572 yards to
Kansas, with QB Todd Reesing throwing for six TDs and RB Brandon McAnderson
running for four more, as the Rock-Block-Jayhawks score TDs on ten (count
‘em, ten!) straight possessions. The case for Notre Dame: 46-44 triple OT
loss to Navy broke an NCAA-record 43 game win streak against a single
opponent. Roger the Dodger Staubach QB’ed the Middies the last time they
beat the Fighting Rudies. Saturday’s game marked the first time in school
history that Touchdown Jesus has overseen five straight home losses. The
“Genius” Charlie Weis made several questionable calls. First, he eschewed a
potential game-winning FG from 41 yards out at the end of regulation and
subsequently watching his QB get sacked on the final play. Then, in the
third OT, after getting a gift pass interference call on their first failed
two-point try and knowing that they needed a score to keep the game going,
he dialed up a vanilla off-tackle run that any Pop Warner team could sniff
out. And snuff out. Sorry, Charlie.
QUICK HITTERS
Big Doings in Big Sky Country – After beating Portland State 34-31, Montana
is now 6-0 in the Big Sky Conference and 9-0 overall. Following the win,
Grizzly head coach Bobby Hauck, a Rick Sweatervest disciple, said it was
“extremely gratifying and personally satisfactioning to have our guys circle
the wagons all season and capture the general badlands and Black Hills area
championship.” ***** Go Green – Dartmouth racked up 59 points in its
victory over Cornell. Rumor has it the team was inspired by the Rumpled
Publisher’s challenge that they match his Quantitative Methods final exam
score. ***** Price Is Not Right – After watching Rice QB Chase Clement
shred his Miners for 395 yards passing and another 103 yards rushing in a
56-48 loss, Mike Price was last seen driving straight past his favorite
strip club while singing “Fight, fight, fight for Washington State…”
*****Maybe Just Play Three Quarters – For the third season in a row, Texas
came from way back to nip Oklahoma State. This time the Donghorns scored
24 unanswered points in the fourth quarter to win 38-35. After the game,
Cowpoke coach Mike Gundy called Dean Smith for some pointers on the
four-corner offense. ***** Speaking of Good Fourth Quarters — LSU staged an
impressive comeback to nip ‘Bama and former coach Nick Saban. Or Satan, as
he’s now known in Baton Rouge. ***** Vandalized Again – Idaho had contained
the La Tech offense all game, leading 16-14 with less than six minutes to
play. Then they caved, giving up back-to-back 70+ yard drives (one of which
was only one play) to lose 28-16, their eighth straight defeat. Coach Rob
Akey “Breaky” was so despondent that he could barely execute his trademark
sideline jumps. Look at the bright side, Rob; you could still be in
Pullman. ***** Can’t Hold That Kitty – Clemson creamed Duke 47-10. In
other surprising news, new pictures of Brittany Spears genitalia have
surfaced. ***** Fun While It Lasted – BC became the 192nd team to lose upon
being ranked #2 in the nation this year. The loss was especially tough on
senior QB Matt Ryan, whose third interception of the game was a pick-six
that sealed the Eagles’ fate. In fact, he was almost as broken up as the
MMQB, who saw the AFLACs creep one step closer to the national title game.
****** Sacked in the Horseshoe – The THE Ohio State University defense
sacked the We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers QB ten times in a 38-17
victory. When last seen, Lenny “Chili Dipper” Sorrin was drowning his
sorrows in a mountain of brats and a sea of lukewarm brew, and
semi-coherently muttering, “I love a good Polka …”
“OK, Chief. When I throw you the ball, I want you to put it in the basket;
reach right up there and put that ball in the f*ckin’ basket, Chief…”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
