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It’s true confessions time at Chez MMQB. Last week’s (Cr)Apple Cup fiasco had me so flummoxed that I got my calendar dates all f*cked up. Mrs. MMQB and I won’t actually be leaving for paradise for a few hours yet, so I’m taking another slice of my precious time to provide you, my loyal readers, with yet another (albeit abbreviated) dose of my insightful and unbiased commentary on the color and pageantry of college football. Next week, though, I definitely will be enjoying Bermuda grass greens and drinks with little umbrellas in them, so all bets are off.
MY BOYS ARE STILL GOING STRONG
Riding the strong performance of QB “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who passed for a school record 433 yards and four touchdowns and rushed for another, the Appalachian State Mountaineers cruised by South Carolina State, 37-21 in the first round of the I-AA playoffs. You’ll notice that I still refuse to call it the Football Playoff Subdivision. Take that you dandruff-dusted blue-blazer bastards at the NCAA! Hey, he’s feeling pretty feisty for a boy about to go on vacation. But I digress… Anyway, the Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) host Richmond next Saturday. We’re luring those spiders into our web… buh-wah-hahahahaha!
THE AGONY WITHOUT THE ECSTASY
The Husky season isn’t over yet. Ty Willingham is still the coach. Need I say more?
A NOT-SO-FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE ROSE BOWL
Ya gotta hand it to the Quackers. What “it” is remains to be seen – hopefully a bomb that will blow their Nike-wearin’, slug-eatin’ asses all over the Gaspumper State, ridding the earth once and for all of this scourge that continues to plague humanity. On Saturday, the vaunted green-and-gold-and-white-and- black-and-silver-and-I’m-sure-I’m-missing-a-few -other-hues-along-the-way were damned impressive (dammit to hell) in administering a 65-38 Civil War bitch-slapping to the 90 percent of the Barkrat squad they faced. Carrying on a tradition that dates back years, the AFLACs once again squared off in a big game against a foe that was without its most dangerous offensive weapon. But, hey, tradition is what college football is all about, right? Tradition, and Uncle Phil’s check-book. But I digress… To be fair (and the MMQB is nothing if not a paragon of fairness), it’s worth noting that the absence of Jacquizz Rodgers on offense probably didn’t have much impact on a suddenly (buck)toothless Barkrat defense which allowed the webbed-footed wonders to waddle for nearly 700 yards of offense, including 385 on the ground. As I watched “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson plow through, over and around the Barkrat defenders to the tune of over 200 yards in the first half alone, I couldn’t help thinking … since when did the pooches start wearing black and orange? Seriously, the Zero offense met zero defense. They were running through the Barkrats like … well, like sh*t through a duck, I suppose. Hey, what’s that offensive coordinator doing next season, anyway?
THE REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER
Willamette couldn’t overcome a three-TD halftime deficit and fell to the defending Division III (or is that Football Always-Had-A-Playoff Subdivision?) national champion Wisconsin Whitewater Scandals, 30-27. Rumor has it that the Bearcats were treated to a pre-game pep talk by noted alumnus and aspiring molder of young men’s character, one Achmed bin Galloooshes.
A TIP OF THE MMQB HAT GOES TO …
Coach Phil Fulmer, until recently the head man at Tennessee. All the guy did was give 35 years of his life to his alma mater as a player, graduate assistant, assistant coach and head coach. All he did in 17 years at the helm of the good ship Rocky Topper was win 75 percent of his games, two SEC championships and a national title. Now, one year removed from a 10-win season, he gets the boot. Anyway, it was good to see the old offensive lineman get another victory to run his record to 16-0 against Tennessee’s heated rival, the Kentucky Mildcats, coached by former University of Zero head man Rich “Babbling” Brooks. The MMQB finds it somehow fitting that the last game for a man whose name has graced a street outside the Vols’ stadium since their national championship was a victory over a man whose name has graced the I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-grass field in the Concrete Bunker since he completed his sub-.500 career there. And speaking of grass, remember that Fulmer was the coach who was unwilling to overlook the pot-smoking, girlfriend-smacking, gun-toting habits of one Onterrio Smith just to take advantage of his sizeable gridiron gifts. Gee, what practitioner of situational morality might be willing to make that deal-with-the-devil trade-off? I’ll tell you who: Mike Bawlalotti and the win-at-any-cost mavens of Anarchy Central, whose swoosh-driven quest to extinguish all that is good and right about amateur athletics knows no bounds. But I digress…
BUZZARDS CIRCLING AROUND NOTRE SHAME
One the one hand, a charitable read on the situation in South Bend could be that things are looking up for Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys. I mean, last year they lost to hated rival U$C 38-0. This year, they improved to 38-3. Heck, if they can continue to make that kind of progress, the man who once brazenly proclaimed that his team would have a decided strategic advantage in every game they play should lead the Rudies to victory over the Condoms somewhere around 2020. Strangely enough, that’s just about when his current contract expires. That is, until the Bead-rubbers rifle through the collection plate and buy the big guy out. Which you know has to happen, if only to avoid further charges of racism in the Affair d’ Ty. After experiencing early success with Willing-but-unable-ham’s recruits, Weis has now slipped to a lower winning percentage than his predecessor. This guy could indeed be a worse college football coach than Mr. Personality – the mind reels at the thought. But after watching the Slighting Irish roll up exactly 91 yards of total offense and four first downs (the first of which came on the last play of the third quarter), it’s hard to envision a scenario in which Our Lady of Perpetual Fumbles will welcome Weis back into her bosom for another year of such spectacular ineptitude. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
So let’s see if the MMQB, in his admittedly tropical frame of mind, can understand this. Thirty-percent of the conference finished their schedule last week, and another 30 percent this week, and the remaining 40 percent (including the long, long. long-suffering BP&G) don’t finish until next week? And let’s see if I further understand: less than half the conference teams finish their seasons by playing their natural rivals? Nice scheduling there, Tommy. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Anyway, the Boogs escaped the winter wonderland that is Pull-my-finger-man long enough to get lei’d. Oh, they also got beat 24-10 by a really mediocre Hawaii don’t-say-we’re-rainbow-’cuz-that’s-a-little-gay Warriors team. Your dedicated servant plans to spend the coming week in the vain search for an Islander who gives a flying f*ck. Meanwhile, in one of the season’s more bizarre games, the ASU Stun Devils destroyed the (f)UCLA Ruins 34-9, despite generating only 122 yards of total offense. You read that right, 122 yards. You can do that when your defense ties an NCAA record by scoring four TDs. The good news for Ruin QB Kevin “Better Work On His” Craft is that he threw for three TDs. The bad news is that they were all scored by the opposition. Bet he’s looking forward to squaring off against the Condom defense!
AND IN CLOSING
Clay Bennett, proud owner of the 2-16 Oklahoma Fart-in-A-Windstorms, was so overjoyed that his beloved Boomer Sooners being selected to play in the Big 12 title game despite having lost to the Texas Donghorns on a neutral field that he sent Conference Commissioner Dan Beebe a case of Schmidt and a dozen Rocky Mountain Spotted Oysters. “It takes balls to make that call,” Bennett laughed. “Besides, it worked with Dav
id Stern…”
And that is all for this week. Aloha.
McTavish O’Fishlivet
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