Monday Morning Quarterback

Is it just me, or has this become the longest f*cking season in the entire
history of college football?  And we still have two f*cking weeks to go.
Then the bowls.  Oh God, don’t forget the f*cking bowls…

THE MMQB IS APPY HAPPY!
Despite having to play without our key playmaker and emotional leader, “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who was knocked out of last week’s game by a cheap-shotting Elon bastard, my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) recorded a convincing 35-10 victory over the Western Carolina Catamounts. My boys sewed up yet another Southern Conference title and a high berth in the I-AA playoffs (no BCS bullsh*t for my Mountaineers, no sirree, Bobber; we are winning this thing outright, Baby!) with a stout defensive effort. We held the defanged Catamounts without a first down for nine straight possessions, including a third quarter in which their offense accounted for a grand total of -14 yards. Ooh, Baby, I’ve got Mountaineer Fever! Catch It!

AN OFFICIAL PRONOUNCEMENT FROM MMQB HEADQUARTERS
This is now without question the worst football team in history. Watching these putrid pups stumble, bumble and fumble their way to pigskin purgatory is churning up some previously repressed memories of the 1977 edition of the fighting Wildcats of Kellogg High. And, quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich), I resent the hell out of it. But I must say again, if you can manage to lose a game to this group of flea-bitten felines of the Pull-my-finger-man, you are undeniably the worst f*cking college football team I have ever seen. The Boogs, inept as they may be, at least played with a little heart. Maybe they’re all f*cking drama majors (I hear that Wazzu has yet to install Billiards as an academic discipline), but they at least acted as if they wanted to win. The boys in white and purple seemed more interested in making sure that their mamas got enough brown sugar on the Thanksgiving yams. And that, my friends, can be all the difference when you are talking about two teams so monumentally bad that each is just hoping to use the other for a life raft to avoid completely drowning in the swirling, seething cesspool that this stench-ridden, suck-ass season has become. And that failure resides like a smoldering bag of dog crap right on the front porch of the head coach, Mr. Unwillingham. I guess it’s hard to get the boys too jacked up when the most important thing on your mind is your tee-time for the morning of 12/7. I’m sorry, but when you have a terrible team down by 10 points, you need to step on their neck and break their will to live. Instead, our boys would drive convincingly into the red zone where all our blockers would suddenly and magically forget how to block, setting up our kicker, who would similarly suddenly and magically forget how to kick. Two missed FGs in regulation – one a chip shot of under 30 yards, a kick that 90 percent of high school kickers could make – could have put the (Cr)Apple Cup out of reach for the Pussies. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Then we stop them on fourth down and take over the ball with roughly two minutes to go. One first down and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Not when we can extend the opportunity to demonstrate just how mind-numbingly bad we are for a couple of OT possessions. First and goal at the seven. Score a TD and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Settle for a FG which by some miracle the kid actually f*cks up and makes. Then in the second OT, you have another very makeable FG try. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Instead, let’s shank it just for sh*ts and giggles and just give the Cougs an open door to victory and sentence yourself to a winless season. Oh, and I’m sure that everyone is really f*cking thrilled to have a bye and then come back to play Cal down there. Yep, really enthused about that little scheduling quirk. Gonna build my whole f*cking week-end around that game. This whole f*cking season is like being told that you’re going to have to sit through “Ishtar” and learning that it’s the extended director’s cut. God help me.

GO BARKRATS GO!
No doubt finding inspiration in the story of Appalachian State’s ability to overcome the loss of their starting QB, thus plucky Oregon State Barkrats kept their Rose Bowl hopes alive with a stirring, come-from-behind victory over the ‘Zona Mildcats, 19-17. Back-up Barkrat QB Sean Canfield led an offense that was further hamstrung by the loss of the league’s leading rusher Rogers the Younger on its second possession. (What a handy little quirk heading into the Civil War against the Fowls – is anyone really surprised?) But the real hero was kicker Justin Kahut, who was nearly kaput when he missed what should have been a game-tying PAT late in the fourth quarter. But there is no keeping a Mike Riley-coached team down! All they did was rally to get the ball back, drive down the field, and set up young Mr. Kahut to drill the game-winner as time expired. And now the only thing standing between our Buck-toothed Brethren and the Rose Bowl berth they so richly deserve is Mikey Bawlalotti and his band of slug-eating thugs. Clearly this is going to be a battle not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi squaring off against Darth Vader. Fortunately, Darth has been getting his porn-star ass kicked in the Bean Dip Bowl for the past decade or so. Please, oh please God, I’ve asked for so little – and received it in abundance this season – so please forgive me for asking for this one thing: Let that trend continue in the Civil Wart on Saturday!

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
What running? Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution would like to present people’s evidence exhibit #1473 in its case against Pathetic Ten commissioner “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen in his trial for crimes against humanity and sports fans everywhere. Who the f*ck ever heard of a conference where 40 percent of the teams [U$C, (f)UCLA, ASU and U-Ho] are idle in late November? Just when fan interest is peaking, when college football is reaching its color-and-pageantry crescendo, when teams from other conferences are playing high-profile games before rabid fans and rapt TV audiences, what does Tommy have the Pathetic Ten do but take a big f*cking powder! Not only does this stretch out the season – and test the MMQB’s patience and stamina – to the breaking point, but it also gives some teams a decided advantage heading into their rivalry games. I mean, are we really surprised that the AFLACs get two weeks to prepare before squaring off against the Barkrats next week? I mean, the two cardinal (not as in Stunnedford, but as in principal) rules of conference scheduling are: (a) always try to ensure that the Ladies of Knight are at home for their toughest games, and (b) give the Zeroes whatever other advantage you can think of through scheduling quirks and any other means necessary. In case you haven’t noticed, the MMQB is sick and f*cking tired of it. Oh, and as if anyone beyond the denizens of the Bay Area gave a rat’s ass, the Fighting Tedheads stomped the Trees 37-16. On the bright side, some Cardinal alums discovered a divine goose-liver pate and a round and creamy chardonnay featuring bright fruit and crisp acidity.

STILL GOING STRONG IN SALEM
“Swervin’” Merben Woo (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo!) scored three TDs to lead undefeated Willamette to a 48-33 victory over Accidental … oops, I mean Occidental College in the first round of the NCAA Division III play-offs. The Beartats now will enjoy a week off (to be spent stuffing turkeys instead of stuffing co-eds) before they take on the defending national champion Wisconsin Whitewater Scandals on 11/29. As if anyone gives a steaming sh*t… Oh and by the way, rumor has it that Willamette is planning a special halftime ceremony to celebrate the lifetime achievements of some of its more distinguished alumni. This has absolutely nothing to do with the MMQB’s readership …

THE BEST DEFENSE MAY BE A GOOD OFFENSE …
…But sometimes even that isn’t enough. West Texas A&M ran up 68 points Saturday and still managed to lose to Abilene Christian. By 25 points! The purple-clad Wildcats hung 810 yard and 93 points (including 51 in the second half) on the Buffs. Editorial note: the MMQB is having even more flashbacks regarding another group of purple-clad Wildcats, a team that struggled to reach those yardage and point totals … for a season! But enough about my career. Anyway, it appears that A&M clearly had problems adjusting to Abilene Christian’s “Hail Mary” offense.

GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS MARKETING
According to Portland Business Journal, “Nike Inc. <http://www.bizjournals.com/portland/gen/Nike_Inc_998111E719114F5F9E63908383 7B9732.html> thinks it is worth $33.8 million to see University of Washington athletes wear the company’s iconic swoosh for the next 10 years.” In discussing the deal, infamous Swooshville spokesman Wally Wafflesole said, “Yes, we think the deal could be a source of some minor embarrassment, but frankly we didn’t think they’d pay us any more than that. I mean, they’ve got the Most Beautiful Stadium in America about to fall down around their ears and everything. Besides, as long as we can continue slipping kryptonite in their jock straps and salt-peter in their water bottles, we’re willing to take a little less money from our victims … er, I mean … our valued partners in Seattle.” Somewhere, behind the Beaverton Berm, a pair of Oakley sunglasses is laughing demonically and scratching out yet another commission check to Babs Hedges. Oh, and by the way, for any MMQB readers cursed with morbid curiosity, it’s worth noting that the BP&G, which is not nearly as beloved, as purple, or as gold as it once was, is now an vomit-inducing 34-62 since that rat bastard Tinker Hatfield got his fiendish paws on our once-classic uniforms. Jesus, that won’t even get a field named for you down in Anarchy Central…

QUICK HITTERS
Saturday Night Dead – Somehow, the Texas Tech Red Raiders became Not Ready For Prime Time Players Saturday night, giving up 35 points in the second quarter on the way to a 65-21 beat-down at the hands of the Oklahoma Boomer Sooners. Now Tech has beaten Texas which beat Oklahoma which beat Tech. And the wheels on the bus go round and round…and the Big 12 tie breaker goes to the team rated highest-rated in the BCS. And you thought John Belushi was a laugh riot! ***** Putting the Shame in Notre Shame – Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys allowed a lame duck coach and an absolutely terrible Syrexcuse for a team score two late TDs and walk out of South Bend with a 24-23 victory. Perhaps the low point for the Rudies was blocking two punts and recovering them both inside the Orange 25 yard line and getting exactly zero points out of it. After the game, fans pelted the players with snowballs. When asked why they didn’t try to hit the coach, a group of fans replied, “he’s the size of a f*cking building and moves about as fast; where’s the challenge?” *****Will Wonders Never Cease? – A Florida State player, Myrone Rolle, was just named a Rhodes Scholar. Apparently, not every Semihole player spent his academic career dodging classes and cheating on-line. Talk about diversity … ***** Get Comfortable, Big Fella – Floyd of Rosedale is going to be staying in Iowa City for another year, after the Hawkeyes destroyed a suddenly reeling Minnesota Gopher squad, 55-zip. Sometimes you get the pig, and sometimes you get the slop. ***** You Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers avoided a terrible embarrassment and actually became bowl eligible (chortle) when they nipped Division I-AA Cal Poly in overtime. They “earned” the victory only because the visitors missed three PATs and their potential game-winning 46-yard FG at the end of regulation came up 15 yards short. Fifteen yards? Hey, after the (Cr)Apple Cup, maybe the BP&G should put that kid on schollie! ***** The Little Old Man From Pasadena – The Nittany Lions sewed up the Big 10/11/Whatever title with a 49-18 victory over Sparty. JoPa is going under the knife for hip replacement surgery, but promises to be ready when his Nittany Lions head out to the Rose Bowl. It will be his first visit to the Grandaddy of Them All since 1995, when his national title team beat the holy living sh*t out of some weak-ass wannabes. Ah, memories… ***** Which reminds me, is Kenny Wheaton still slinging fries at the Eugene Burgermaster? ***** Master Gators Crank Up Tebow Heisman Campaign – Urban “Legend” Myer and the powers that be in Gainesville tried to give QB Tim Tebow as many chances to shine as possible in their 70-19 win Saturday. Of course, the victim was a bad I-AA team from The Citadel. (Apparently, Washington wasn’t available.) Florida beating The Citadel is about as unexpected as Luca Brasi coming out on top against Khartoum, the race horse. ***** Blue Bayou – LSU’s Bayou Bengals lost another SEC game, this time to Ol’ Miss 31-13. There’s no punch line coming, folks – the MMQB just likes it any time he can write about Les “Is More” Miles going down to defeat. ***** And, Finally (Thank God…) – THE Ohio State University put a perfect exclamation mark on Michigan’s dismal 2008 campaign with a 42-7 victory over the Wolverines. Michigan’s seniors are the first class in school history to go five years without a win over their hated rivals. Even this year’s Husky seniors don’t have that sh*t-soaked collar hanging around their necks!

FORGET CLAY BENNETT, LET’S PLAY A QUICK GAME OF “JEOPARDY.”
I’ll take Field Generals for 600, Alex …
Answer:
Chris Peterson, head coach of Boise State
Kyle Wittingham, head coach of Utah
Pat Hill, head coach of Fresno State
Jim Mora, Jr., head coach designee of the Seattle Seahawks
Jerry Moore, head coach of Appalachian State
Brian Kelly, head coach at Cincinnati
Dave Christensen, offensive coordinator at Missouri
Gary Patterson, head coach of TCU
Jim Harbough, head coach of Stanford
Wally Rig, defensive coordinator of the Texas State Fighting Armadillos (see “Necessary Roughness”)
Chip Kelley, offensive coordinator at Oregon (Ohmigod, what am I saying?)
Robert “Achmed” Gallooshes, broken-down former utility exec and current volunteer DB coach of Portland’s Central Catholic HS
Paul “Bear” Bryant (I know the fact that he’s dead is something of a minor inconvenience, but dig the f*cker up!)

Question: Who are coaching candidates the MMQB would be just fine with taking over as the next head coach of the floundering U-Dub Husky-dawgs? I don’t care if they’re not available, dead, fictional, or even, as a last gasp, have University of Zero ties; please, in the name of all that is holy, just get the current regime the f*ck out of here!

That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Next week’s MMQB, if it arrives at all, will be a short one, probably focusing nearly exclusively on The Fighting Barkrats’ upcoming victory over the Mallards in The Civil War. However, your most humble and devoted servant won’t have a lot of time to really apply his usual comprehensive research and reporting techniques, as he will be preoccupied with applying sun-block, reading the grain on the greens, ensuring adequate daily intake of frothy beverages sporting tiny umbrellas, basking in the gentle tropical breezes and generally doing everything else one does while spending a week relaxing in sunny Hawaii.