Monday Morning Quarterback

OK, OK, I know that I’ve said this before, but this week’s installment of the MMQB really IS going to be kind of short. Not sweet, but short. The reason: your humble narrator has spent much of today dealing with malfunctions in the septic system at Chez MMQB. I defy you, any of you, to find a better metaphor for this football season.

MOUNTAINEERS NEAR THE SUMMIT …
The hits just keep on coming for my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G), those plucky Mountaineers of Appalachian State. Despite our senior QB and emotional leader “Georgio” Armanti Edwards being knocked out of the game by one of those cheap-shot artist Elon bastards, we held on for a well-earned 24-16 victory. The MMQB tips his hat to the hard-hitting Mountaineer defense, which grounded the Phoenix twice on fourth and short in the final six minutes to preserve the victory. Now the only thing standing between our boys and the playoff berth that is our birth-right are the 3-8 Western Carolina Catamounts. New passengers on the Appy State bandwagon are gladly welcome!

REAL DAWGS WEAR … …
God only knows. Real Dawgs used to wear purple. Now they are more likely to show up to TMBSiA disguised as an empty seat. Or sit at home, wearing black for the funereal stench that hangs over the program like the cloud in Achmed’s guest crapper after a certain MMQB reader had overindulged in curry and polish sausages. Or perhaps they simply wear that grimace of disgust (GOD) that pains the face of the party boy who now realizes that his last shot of tequila was one too many and that plate of jalapeno poppers isn’t going to be nearly as tasty coming up as it was going down. Saturday night’s debacle was just the latest in this season (s)hit parade. In a match-up of former University of Washington coaches, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest got the better of Mr. Personality and his (f)UCLA Ruins summarily dismissed the Mutts, 27-7. After watching the Pooch offense continue to sputter and spurt, throw 30-yard passes across the field in hopes of gaining a whole yard, and dutifully maintain its annoying bipolar personality of mixing ultra-conservative dive plays with low-percentage, Lamonica-esque “Mad Bomber” deep throws, the MMQB for one is not going to be sad to see the Tim Lappono error … I mean, era … no wait, I was right the first time … come to an unceremonious end at Montlake. This level of incompetence simply isn’t fair to the kids. These young people are putting untold hours practicing in hopes of precisely executing intricate maneuvers for our behavior. Resplendent in their purple and gold uniforms, it has to be disappointing to see their efforts appreciated by fewer and fewer fans each week. But enough about the band. The reality is that, “Mora in ‘09″ banner waivers notwithstanding, this program has gone down faster than Linda Lovelace on a three-day bender. Recovering from these Un-willingham depths is not going to be easy, or fast, or even certain. The MMQB is despondent. He isn’t quite suicidal yet, but he’s in the same area code. Give me hope…

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
Who says there’s no defense played in the Pathetic 10? Just because the University of Zero AFLACs and ‘Zona Mildcats roll up a cool hundred points between them … just because the foul / fowl “defense” nearly allowed Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong to rally his team from a 48-17 second-half deficit … doesn’t mean a damn thing, now does it? God, if only the visitors could have pulled that off .. the MMQB has a mental picture of Bawlalotti melting down on the sideline into nothing more than the pile of steaming Duck sh*t. Oh wait, that really wouldn’t be much of a change, now would it? So maybe it would be more fun to see him called onto the carpet in front of The Sunglassed One and trying to sputter out excuses about simply having too much time before running out of time. Alas, those pleasant visions are roughly the equivalent of Lenny S, Esq. fantasizing about bedding Scarlett Johannsen and making birdies on Trophy Lake’s 18th hole – simply ain’t gonna happen. Nevertheless, it is worth noting that before the game, U-Ho head coach Mikey B. was in full Bawlalotti mode, whining about the fact that his team wasn’t going to be on TV. Now understand, the MMQB would have had absolutely no problem at all if the nation had been spared further exposure to the open sore that is Husky football in favor of a little more exposure for Mikey’s minions. At this point, who really f*cking cares if his “look at me, look at me, oh please look at me” ego gets a little boost? But instead, it’s the MMQB’s job to give Mikey a quick lesson in practical realities. The combined LA and Seattle markets are … what … maybe 10 times the Portland/Eugene and Tucson markets? Even if only the smallest fraction – and judging from the number of empty seats in TMBSiA, that fraction is getting smaller all the time – of those markets are going to pay attention, it’s still a better deal for the network. Plus there is that whole matter of Decency Standards. A network could be held criminally liable if they knowingly exposed minor children to the patently obscene Foul uniforms (the latest versions are black – not dark evergreen – with black helmets and some strange feather – or bird sh*t, it’s hard to tell – graphics on the shoulder). I mean, remember, all Janet Jackson did was flash a little boob and the Stupor Bowl and you had the entire nation in an moralistic uproar. And that was for showing something that large chunks of the population don’t mind seeing at all. Just think what would ensue once innocent viewers were forced to gaze on the latest abortion from the demented mind of Tinker Hatfield. There’s no good from having people puking on their coffee tables, is there?

NOT EVEN CLOSE, NO CIGAR
You’ve got to hand it to the Fighting Hairball Hackers of the Palouse: they are consistent. They continue to feature a resistible force offense (zero points for the third time in their last four games), a movable object defense (more than 30 points allowed for 9th time in 11 games), and an ER ward at the quarterback position (Kevin Lopina was knocked out of the game with a concussion). There has been some conjecture that the reason this game was only 31-0 was that Stun Devil head man Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson decided to take it easy on his former employers. Of course, with Erickson having worked for roughly half the teams in D-1 and having displayed absolutely no discernable conscience in his long career, that explanation seemed unlikely to the always insightful MMQB. Indeed, my usual detailed research has uncovered that, after the Oregon game, Pathetic 10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen sent a confidential memo to six of the seven remaining conference schools, relevant parts of which are quoted here. “It does the conference no good whatsoever,” the memo read, “to have one of its member institutions so routinely de-pantsed and embarrassed on the gridiron. For the love of God, please lay off the Cougars just a tad. You can still bitch-slap them around a bit, but let’s not let these things get out of hand.” The remaining conference school, The University of Washington, received a special version of the memo, also quoted here. It read simply, “Go for it, and good luck, punks.” And so we head into (Cr)Apple Cup week, where the amazing anomaly may occur: a winless team, on the road in a rivalry game, is likely to be favored. Such is the state of college football in the Evergreen State. Maybe Dino’s happy he doesn’t have to take the helm of this lurching ship of state…

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Seven down and two to go. Those lovable OSU Barkrats just keep finding ways to win, getting one TD on a kick-off return, one after a 60+ yard punt return gave them first-and-goal at the 2, and one on an interception reception. Sandwich among all those fireworks a more traditional TD drive and a FG by Justin “In” Kahut, and you’ve got a hard-fought 34-21 victory over the visiting Fighting Tedheads of Cal. The vaunted orange-and-black now must only travel to Tucson to take on the Mildcats before ending their season in the traditional Civil War show-down with the Quacks. Fortunately, that game will be played in the Beandip Bowl and the home team has won ten of the last eleven Civil War games. (For the memory impaired, especially you delusional Duckies, the MMQB is duty-bound to note that the one exception was last year’s exciting Barkrat victory in the Concrete Bunker.) If the Boys from Cornvalley can somehow navigate these modest speed-bumps, they’ll find themselves in the Rose Bowl for the first time in 48 years. Hey, I wonder how long Riley’s contract runs… Oops, sorry, slight fantasy diversion there. In other Pathetic 10 action, the Condoms avenged last year’s upset with a big second half in a 45-23 victory over the Trees.

THE END IS JUST THE BEGINNING … HOW ZEN!
In small college action, the fighting U-Pay-Us Loggers ended their season on an up note, stomping the comically inept Lewis and Clark Pioneers 58-14. The victory brought the Log season tally to 3-6, a lofty result which dwarfs the record of certain other Washington-based institutions of higher learning. Meanwhile, in the Gaspumper State, the Willamette Bare Pussies prepare to host undefeated Occidental College in the first round of the Division III playoffs. Anybody cruising the net for early holiday gifts might want to check out the Tiger bookstore…

QUICK HITTERS
Guess You Can’t Go Home Again – Unlike Nick Saban’s successfully return to Baton Rouge last week, Steve Superior returned to The Swamp and the scene of his greatest coaching triumphs, only to see his team trounced 56-6, the worst loss in his coaching career. You might say that Gators took the Game away from the ‘Cocks. Then again, you might not… ***** Big Green Around the Gills – The Ink-Stained Wretch’s secondary alma mater, Dartmouth, completed its clean sweep of the 2008 season with Saturday’s 45-16 loss to Brown. Hey, guys, if you’re looking for a new coach, I know where you can find some available candidates… ***** Putting the Blue in Big Blue – For the first time in its 129-year football history, Michigan has lost 8 games in a season, and with tOSU coming up, can #9 be far away? Coach “Ritchie” Rich Rodriguez chalked the disappointing results up to bad scheduling, noting that the Wolverines didn’t have the benefit of having either Washington school on their slate this season. ***** Speaking of Coaching Changes – Ending the longest death-watch since Gary Gilmore, Greg Robinson finally got the axe at Syracuse. His dismissal was pretty understandable, given that his 9-36 record was actually two games worse, if you can believe that, than a certain coach who has been prowling the sidelines around these parts. Heck, that .200 winning percentage won’t even get a field named for you in Eu-f*cking-gene! ***** Bring ‘Em On – By nipping North Carolina 17-15, Maryland has now won sixth straight over Top 25 teams. You know what they say: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Which is why you’ve got to be so careful around Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis… **** Scandal Once Again Rocks FSU – The Semihole offense sputtered in Saturday’s 27-17 loss to BC after Coach Bobby Bowden was forced to suspend five wide receivers for allegedly participating in a mid-week campus brawl that sent several FSU students to the hospital. Bowden was reportedly outraged that the players were even near the brawl instead of being “safe inside, cheating on their on-line courses like they were supposed to be.”

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett didn’t do or say a damn thing stupid this weekend. Talk about you man-bites-dog story…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet