Monday Morning Quarterback

Ah, really, who the f*ck even cares at this point? Some nitwits in Lubbock who haven’t seen this much gol’ darn commotion since Buddy Holly went to that big recording studio in the sky and a bunch of pig-f*ckers from Tuscaloosa who haven’t been this excited since that time that Cousin Clem got drunk and ended up shooting off the hangy-down part of his ear. Let’s just get this festering pustule of a season the f*ck over with and get on with our collective lives, OK?

DON’T WORRY – BE APPY …
…As in the red-hot Appalachian State Mountaineers, my NBB&G, who treated the Chatanooga Mocs the way my old BP&G teams used to treat visitors to the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. In short, the kicked the holy livin’ sh*t right out of them, 49-7. Next up is our big game vs. always-tough Elon. OK, admit it: How many of the MMQB’s loyal readers have even heard of the Elon (NC) University Phoenix? Well, they’re 8-2 and 6-1 in conference play, and they are a squad to be reckoned with, baby. My ‘Neers are just happy that the game will take place in Boone, in the snake pit that is Kidd Brewer Stadium. Bring ‘em on, I say, bring ‘em on! Then it’s a tune-up against the mediocrity that is Western Carolina and on to the play-offs! Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

POOCHES TEASE THE MMQB BEFORE LIFTING A LEG ON HIS HOPES AND DREAMS
There I was, putting the final touches on Chez MMQB in preparation for hosting a birthday party for a couple of Mrs. MMQB’s friends and what should I behold on the tube? Could it be? Could that score actually be correct? It must be, it’s an expensive f*cking television and the picture is quite clear. it’s right there – we are in the third quarter and the Mutts are actually ahead. As in, leading. As in, having more points than the other team. As in, oh-my-f*cking-God-when-was-the-last-time-this-happened? At this point, I became confused. My world-view was spinning dangerously out of whack. Not to worry, Ty’s troops were in the midst of settling for field goals and keeping the Stun Devils securely in the game. Had the Pups scored TDs on their first couple of second-half trips into the red zone, they might have broken the will of the visiting Tortilla Tossers, whose own historic losing streak had created a collective self-image that was about as secure as an unemployed stripper with acne, an overbite, and a unquenchable hunger for sausage and sauerkraut pizzas. In other words, if the BP&G could have just stepped on the Stun Devils’ necks just the littlest bit, the visitors from Tempe might well have melted like the ice in their coach’s scotch. But never fear, sports fans, … with only the approaching (Cr)Apple Cup as a potential obstacle standing between Ty-on-one and a season record unblemished with victory, the home team finally hit their stumbling stride. A slew of dropped passes and missed tackles later, the Stun Devils had accelerated their way to 23 unanswered points and a 39-19 victory. You know what they say: We’re going to win or die Tying…

THIS IS GETTING PRETTY F*CKING OLD IF YOU ASK THE MMQB
Once again, the Trees had the Foul Fowls on the ropes and let them waddle their way to a last-second TD and the35-28 victory. The MMQB readily admits to falling down on the job. Normally, he would be able to provide ample evidence of Uncle Phil’s payola leading directly to the Ladies of the Knight hitting pay dirt. This week, he must admit that he was unable to find such evidence. For one thing, Knight’s favorite bag-man, one Browns, KR, was able to give my operative the slip. He moves with such grace for a big man, this Browns. But a more serious problem was that my crack staff of researchers spent most of the week thoroughly comparing and contrasting the academic loads carried by members of the two squads. I believe that my readers might find some of my discoveries to be of interest. Though federal privacy statutes prohibit me attaching specific names to this information, I will say that both of these “scholar-athletes” are academic juniors at their respective institutions of higher learning. As you’ll see, one institution may be a little “higher” that the other in the academic sense, while the other may be a little “higher” in every other sense.

And so, without further ado, I give you the typical Stanford player’s schedule:
English 376: Shakespeare – Themes of Love and Longing in The Tragedies
Mathematics 352: Calculus of Multiple Variables
Philosophy 410: Intersection of Logic and Ethics in Wittgenstein’s Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
Economics 428: Problems of Trend Analysis in Econometric Modeling
Physics 467: Quantum Mechanics, Chaos Theory, and Other Obtuse Conjectures

In contrast, here is the typical “academic” schedule for a representative of the University of Zero football squad:
Geology 101: Rocks for Jocks
Phys Ed 176: Advanced Billiards III: The Bank Shot
Botany 210: The Herb-an Environment
Phys Ed 310: The Joy of the Joystick (held conveniently in the AFLAC locker room)
Economics 110: Bartering Your Way to Fun, Profit, and No Conference Sanctions

COOGS RIDE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE IN 31-POINT NAIL-BITER LOSS
It amazes the MMQB that his beloved Mutts of Montlake can be so monumentally, epically bad and yet he is able to gaze across the Cascades and derisively say to himself, “thank God we’re not in their cleats.” Actually, in all fairness (and the MMQB is nothing if not the model of fairness and perspective) the Fighting Hairball-Hackers of the Palouse probably deserve congratulations for Saturday’s game. After all, they finally kept a legitimate Pathetic Ten offense under 60 points, holding Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and the rest of the Mildcats to an embarrassingly low output of only 533 yards and 59 points. You can bet those boys will be running stairs when they get their asses back to Tucson. Meanwhile, the goal posts were narrowly saved at Martin Stadium as crazed fans poured on the field, Autzen Style, to celebrate the narrow 31 point margin of defeat; it was, after all, their team’s closest game in more than a month. So they got that going for them. On the other paw, Coach “Big Bad” Wulff’s troops have now passed the historic 500 points-allowed barrier and with three games still to go (OK, two games plus the Dawgs) are well on their way to shattering the ineptness barrier the way Chuck Yeager once historically broke the sound barrier. On the bright side for Furball Fans, the team will soon be escaping the winter doldrums (which is code for nut-freezing conditions) in Pullman with a well-deserved trip to the land of the taut pierced tummy and g-string coeds, where they will square off against former Wazzu coach Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson and the rest of the Stun Devils, themselves ironically fresh off a victory over the only conference team threatening the Coug domination of all “Most Pathetic” statistical categories. The outlook (if not a single player) is bright in Pull-my-finger-man, my friends. Why even WSU cornerback Romeo “Wherefore art thou?” Pellum is predicting “we should finally get a Pac-10 win” this week. You’ve got to love the kid’s brash enthusiasm, if not his intellect (admittedly a rare commodity at Wazzu). I’m guessing young Romeo really struggles with math,- the early Vegas line tabs the Stun Devils as a 38-point favorite.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The surging OSU Barkrats went down to Tinseltown and administered a good, old-fashioned 34-6 gnawing to a UCLA Ruin team that seems to be growing softer and softer by the week. Honestly, any true fan of good, solid football had to enjoy this result. After all, one of the teams is coached by an unassuming solid guy, a class act, and a man who approaches his job in an honest, humble fashion, a disciplined coach that turns boys into men and whose teams always seem to improve as the season progresses. The other team is coached by Slicky Ricky Sweatervest. Need I say more? Well, you can bet that the MMQB and 12,467 of his closest friends will have plenty to say to the (f)UCLA coach when he makes his first return trip to the scene of the crime next Saturday night. Meanwhile, U$C continues to struggle on the offensive side of the ball, an inexplicable weakness that is keeping Pete “Christmas” Carroll from rolling up the impressive scores needed to move the Condoms up to the loftiest perches of the BCS where they really belong, given their payroll. Nevertheless, the Toejams’ 17-7 victory over the Fighting Tedheads keeps them lurking menacingly in the wings should the Barkrats slip up in any of their remaining games.

THIS JUST IN
The Pac-10 conference investigation into shocking allegations that Reggie Bush might possibly have received improper benefits during his Heisman Trophy-winning career at U$C is now entering its third year. The paragon of care and thoroughness, conference investigators are trying to determine whether the $70,000 car and $500,000 suburban townhouse were serious enough infractions to be mentioned in the same breath as the infamous fruit-basket scandal at UW in the early 1990s.

BUT WAIT; THERE’S MORE GOOD NEWS…
Willamette beat U-Pay-Us 49-27. In keeping with a D-1 tradition firmly established by the Pathetic Ten’s own “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, the team from Washington had to visit Oregon. Reports are that the vaunted student-athletes from U-Pay-Us never recovered from a logistical glitch that cost them valuable warm-up time. The team’s arrival in Salem was delayed by roughly two hours while their diesel charter buses were erroneously refueled with unleaded by a 17-year-old high school drop-out named Clem in the suburbs of Portland…

QUICK HITTERS
Rocky Times for Top Rocky Topper – Despite being the third winningest active coach in D1 and barely a decade removed from a national title, Phil Fullmer is being shown the door in Knoxville. Fullmer can’t have gone suddenly stupid – the University is going to have to pay him something like $6 million to not coach the Vols. Meanwhile, his team decided to go out and really show the home fans that they were still behind their coach. Wyoming 13 – Tennessee 7. Don’t let the door hit you in the ample posterior on the way out, Phil… **** I Get A Kick Out of You – Iowa’s Daniel Murray kicked a last-second FG to secure a 24-23 win over Penn State and rob JoPa of what might be his last shot at a national title. Of course, as long as that picture of Joe hidden away in Happy Valley continues aging, he might be around when Danny’s son is kicking for the Hawkeyes… ***** Save A Horse, Torch a Cowboy – Oklahoma State’s defensive backs were turned every which way but loose by Red Raider QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell, who threw for six TDs in Texas Tech’s 56-20 rout over OSU. Meanwhile, Harrell’s mad genius coach Mike Leach will have two weeks to come up with new insanity to bedevil the DB’s at that other cow-college in Oklahoma. ***** What A Difference A Year Makes – Last year, Ron Zook seemed to have finally put the fireronzook.com fiascos behind him and turned the corner at Illinois, leading his team to a Big Ten (Eleven, Whatever) title and a Rose Bowl date with U$C. Now, after a 23-17 upset loss to Western Michigan, the Illini are back to a mediocre .500. You just know the websites can’t be far behind… *****No Offense, Charlie – The Weis Guys were blanked by Boston College (aka Catholic Lite) 17-0. It was the first time Eagles have ever shut out the Rudies. Apparently some Chicago alumni are circulating a petition to declare the South Bend artwork, “No Touchdown Jesus.” ***** Guess You Can Go Home Again – Former LSU coach Nick Saban led his top-ranked Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers into the City of the Red Stick and came out with a 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers. Saban immediately asked whether he got paid time-and-a-half for the overtime period.

AND IN CLOSING…
For the Oklahoma Boomer Sooner trip to College Station, super OU fan Clay Bennett donned an extra large “12th Man” tee-shirt. When asked what he was hoping to accomplish with the get-up, Clay replied that he was inspired by seeing another Seattle franchise owner whipping up rabid fan support with the 12th man flag. Informed that this issue was something of a sore point with A&M fans, Bennett immediately replied, “Have I mentioned that the Thunder won a game last week?”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – This message was not approved or endorsed by any candidate for office…