Monday Morning Quarterback

This is going to have to be kind of a short one, sports fans. Not only does your most humble and obedient servant, your trusted font of color and pageantry, have pressing work obligations, but he also must sadly report that prolonged exposure to this festering dung-heap of a college football season is threatening to turn his once-nimble cranial assets into a quivering mass of rotting lutefisk. This is clearly not a good thing.

WE ARE ON A ROLL!
It was another all-around great effort as the suddently surging Appy State Mountaineers pounded the visiting Wofford Terriers, 70-24. Led by “Georgio” Armanti Edwards’ career high 367 yards and five touchdowns passing, our offensive juggernaut rolled up 620 total yards. Our opportunistic defensive forced five turnovers. The victory moved the MMQB’s now-beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) to a cool 7-2. Following a seemingly easy game against the 1-8 Chattanooga Mocs, we’ll have the big show-down with 7-2 Elon for the Southern Conference championship. And then it’s off to the playoffs, where my boys will attempt to add a fourth-straight national championship. Go Mountaineers!

THIS IS WHAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS ALL ABOUT, BABY!
It does the MMQB’s heart good just to soak up a scene like this. Talented athletes making play after miraculous play. The unique camaraderie of rabid fans first camping out overnight, joining together to scream themselves hoarse in support of the home team’s valiant efforts against a favored and despised foe, and then, overcome with emotion, storming the field after their beloved team actually pulls off the improbable victory. This is the color. This is the pageantry. This is, unfortunately, miles from Montlake. But in Lubbock, Texas, where the Red Raiders licked the Bevos, life is good. And, in one of the feel-good stories of the college football season, life is especially good for one Matt Williams. A few weeks ago, he was just a frat boy in the stands, sucking down a few brewskis and trying to feel up an Alpha Phi. Then we was plucked out of the stands for one of those hokey halftime contests in which he drilled a 30-yard FG for free apartment rent. Tech’s Mad Scientist Coach, fed up with scholarship kickers missing six PATs in the team’s first seven games, invited Williams to walk on, and the kid has actually become the starting kicker for the number two team in the latest BCS ratings. He had four PAT’s and two FG’s in the amazing, last-second 39-33 victory over previously undefeated Texas. And as a result, one Matt Williams now has his choice of any nubile young Alpha Phi he carnally desires. Alas, the world is nothing if not one big teeter-totter, and for every incredible high there must be a countervailing desperate low. Which brings us right square back to the football teams of Washington’s two major research universities. These two teams, if we can call them that, are definitely putting the Pathetic back into the Pathetic Ten. Abysmal. Atrocious. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Appalling. Despicable. Pitiful. Disgraceful. Disgusting. Inept. Ghastly. These two sinking bilge buckets, overflowing with the accumulated crap of a thousand generations, would challenge even the esteemed Messr. Roget himself to find an adjective that could adequately capture their collective stench. They are, in three words: just f*cking bad. To wit, with North Texas State’s victory, the Bumbling Purple and Gold now find themselves all alone in the D-1 crapper of winlessness. And they managed to remain victory virgins in a truly vomit-inducing fashion: the Condoms had nearly covered the 46 point spread by half-time, having scored TDs on each of their first six drives. The Pooches, in contrast, went three-and-out on five of their first six possessions (none of which could be remotely described as a drive) and were down 35-zip before notching their inaugural first down. And yet, remarkably, the Fleabags’ 56-zip loss was not the most ignoble defeat suffered by a team from The Evergreen State this past weekend. That particular dishonor goes to the Fighting Hairballs of the Palouse, who managed to stumble, bumble and fumble (five turnovers) their way to a 58-zip loss at the hands of the Stunneford Trees. Wazzu has now given up 350 points in conference play, more than any other team in history. With three more Pac-10 games to go, and a little effort, they should be able to set a record for futility that can never be matched. So they’ve got that going for them. Meanwhile, in the wake of this weekend’s 114-nothing (nada, zip, nil, nix, f*cking zero) dumpage for our state’s two big schools, one has to wonder whether this year’s (Cr)Apple Cup will finally threaten the twenty-five year reign of the 1983 Civil War, which ended in a zero-zero tie of mutual incompetence, as the ugliest game in college football history.

Please, for the love of God, don’t make me go on…

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS
There’s an old saying about water off a duck’s ass. And Saturday’s game in Berkeley had plenty of water and plenty of Duck asses hanging out. Despite being relegated to their second-string QB, the almost supernaturally inconsistent and comically immobile Nate “Not So Great” Longshore, the Fighting Tedfords held off the invaders from Anarchy Central 26-16, in a match-up of teams donning two of Tinker Hatfield’s more stomach-turning uniform designs. We can only hope that Saturday’s game is the beginning of that most revered of college football traditions, the AFLAC’s annual November swoon.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The resilient OSU Barkrats shook off the loss of their starting QB and still held off the invading ASU Stun Devils, 27-25. The victory was sealed when the Barkrat defense intercepted Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter’s two-point conversion pass with 21 seconds left. Unlike a certain coach who shall remain nameless from down the road, Barkrat head man Mike “Life Of” Riley always seems to have his teams improving throughout the season. As a result, the overachieving Barkrats still control their own destiny with four games to go in the Pathetic Ten conference race. If the OSU elevator is going up, the ASU elevator is in a free-fall plummet to the big basement like Mickey Rourke in “Angel Heart.” The Stun Devils have suffered six straight defeats, a streak that may not end up until they square off against the Montlake Mutts. The current skid is the longest losing streak at ASU since 1929, which coincidentally was another year marked by interesting developments on Wall Street. This kind of losing probably is enough to make a coach take a good, stiff drink. Oops, too late…

AS IF IT MATTERS…
The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-US notched another close-but-no-cigar performance in a 32-24 loss to Linfield. The game kept the Fighting Logs winless in conference play and secured an NCAA record 53rd consecutive winning season for Linfield. (Remember when a slightly larger school up the road from U-Pay-Us enjoyed a long streak of winning seasons?) Oh, and by the way, Willamette vaulted into the D-3 top 10 despite sitting out the weekend.

QUICK HITTERS
Perhaps He Was Well-Rested – Central Michigan’s back-up QB Brian Brunner threw for 485 yards and four touchdowns and ran for another score in his team’s 347-34 upset of the Indiana Hoosier-”Daddies.” Imagine what would have happened if their starter could have played! ***** A Game or A Career? – Stephen S. “Exh”Austin State QB Jeremy Moses set NCAA records with 57 completions and 85 attempts, rolling up 501 yards and four TD’s passing. Oh yeah, the Lumberjacks lost 34-31 in double OT to Sam Houston State. ***** The Rising Tide – Alabama rolled to a workmanlike 35-0 victory over Arkansas State. Apparently B-Y-E was unavailable. ***** This Ain’t the Movies, Fat Charlie – Hollywood thinks things always work out for the Domers, but in the real world Pitt first tied the game on a fourth-down TD pass and then kicked FGs in each of four overtime periods to nip Notre Shame. The Fighting Rudies have always feasted on the Little Sisters of the Poor, but the contrast is now stark as the Bead-rubbers are 0-9 against teams with winning records since the second week of the 2006 season. No wonder they’re begging to schedule U-Dub… ***** How The Mighty Have Fallen – Michigan’s 33-year streak of bowl appearances is over, as Big Blue fell to 2-7 by losing 48-42 to Purdue. The Boilermakers scored the winning TD on a last-second hook-and-lateral play that was eerily reminiscent of Boise State’s winning play in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. In fact, when the highlight was shown on the big-screen at Sooner Stadium, 14 fans went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Sooner Than Expected – Oklahoma rushed to a 35-0 first quarter lead on a way to a 62-28 victory over Nebraska. At that point, Cornholer coach Bo “Knows” Pellini went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Good news / bad news – Iowa State’s Leonard Johnson broke the major-college game record for kick-off return yardage with 319 yards. The bad news is that he had plenty of chances, as his team was creamed by Oklahoma State, 59-17. If only his teammates could have been a little sh*ttier on defense, he might have really done something. ***** Way To Finish Strong – Michigan State nipped Wisconsin, 25-24. The “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers” had led by 11 with 9:19 to go, but choked on their collective bratwursts and couldn’t close the deal. In fact, their collapse was the most pathetic home stretch performance by a Wisconsin athlete since the last time one Lenny Sorrin, Esq. tackled the 18th hole at Trophy Lake. ***** Speaking of Finishing Strong – Every QB dreams of one of his passes resulting in a game-winning score in the waning seconds of a tight, hard-fought game. Minnesota QB Adam Weber is no exception and on Saturday his dream came true. Unfortunately, the pass was deflected into the waiting arms of Northwestern linebacker Brendan Smith who promptly returned the interception 48 yards for the deciding score in the Mildcats’ 24-17 victory. Need to be a little more specific there, Adam …

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett has begun wearing a hounds-tooth fedora, ala Paul “Bear” Bryant. No one knows exactly why…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet