Monday Morning Quarterback

Is it just me, or has this become the longest f*cking season in the entire
history of college football?  And we still have two f*cking weeks to go.
Then the bowls.  Oh God, don’t forget the f*cking bowls…

THE MMQB IS APPY HAPPY!
Despite having to play without our key playmaker and emotional leader, “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who was knocked out of last week’s game by a cheap-shotting Elon bastard, my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) recorded a convincing 35-10 victory over the Western Carolina Catamounts. My boys sewed up yet another Southern Conference title and a high berth in the I-AA playoffs (no BCS bullsh*t for my Mountaineers, no sirree, Bobber; we are winning this thing outright, Baby!) with a stout defensive effort. We held the defanged Catamounts without a first down for nine straight possessions, including a third quarter in which their offense accounted for a grand total of -14 yards. Ooh, Baby, I’ve got Mountaineer Fever! Catch It!

AN OFFICIAL PRONOUNCEMENT FROM MMQB HEADQUARTERS
This is now without question the worst football team in history. Watching these putrid pups stumble, bumble and fumble their way to pigskin purgatory is churning up some previously repressed memories of the 1977 edition of the fighting Wildcats of Kellogg High. And, quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich), I resent the hell out of it. But I must say again, if you can manage to lose a game to this group of flea-bitten felines of the Pull-my-finger-man, you are undeniably the worst f*cking college football team I have ever seen. The Boogs, inept as they may be, at least played with a little heart. Maybe they’re all f*cking drama majors (I hear that Wazzu has yet to install Billiards as an academic discipline), but they at least acted as if they wanted to win. The boys in white and purple seemed more interested in making sure that their mamas got enough brown sugar on the Thanksgiving yams. And that, my friends, can be all the difference when you are talking about two teams so monumentally bad that each is just hoping to use the other for a life raft to avoid completely drowning in the swirling, seething cesspool that this stench-ridden, suck-ass season has become. And that failure resides like a smoldering bag of dog crap right on the front porch of the head coach, Mr. Unwillingham. I guess it’s hard to get the boys too jacked up when the most important thing on your mind is your tee-time for the morning of 12/7. I’m sorry, but when you have a terrible team down by 10 points, you need to step on their neck and break their will to live. Instead, our boys would drive convincingly into the red zone where all our blockers would suddenly and magically forget how to block, setting up our kicker, who would similarly suddenly and magically forget how to kick. Two missed FGs in regulation – one a chip shot of under 30 yards, a kick that 90 percent of high school kickers could make – could have put the (Cr)Apple Cup out of reach for the Pussies. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Then we stop them on fourth down and take over the ball with roughly two minutes to go. One first down and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Not when we can extend the opportunity to demonstrate just how mind-numbingly bad we are for a couple of OT possessions. First and goal at the seven. Score a TD and the game is yours. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Settle for a FG which by some miracle the kid actually f*cks up and makes. Then in the second OT, you have another very makeable FG try. But no. F*ck no, why would we want to do that? Instead, let’s shank it just for sh*ts and giggles and just give the Cougs an open door to victory and sentence yourself to a winless season. Oh, and I’m sure that everyone is really f*cking thrilled to have a bye and then come back to play Cal down there. Yep, really enthused about that little scheduling quirk. Gonna build my whole f*cking week-end around that game. This whole f*cking season is like being told that you’re going to have to sit through “Ishtar” and learning that it’s the extended director’s cut. God help me.

GO BARKRATS GO!
No doubt finding inspiration in the story of Appalachian State’s ability to overcome the loss of their starting QB, thus plucky Oregon State Barkrats kept their Rose Bowl hopes alive with a stirring, come-from-behind victory over the ‘Zona Mildcats, 19-17. Back-up Barkrat QB Sean Canfield led an offense that was further hamstrung by the loss of the league’s leading rusher Rogers the Younger on its second possession. (What a handy little quirk heading into the Civil War against the Fowls – is anyone really surprised?) But the real hero was kicker Justin Kahut, who was nearly kaput when he missed what should have been a game-tying PAT late in the fourth quarter. But there is no keeping a Mike Riley-coached team down! All they did was rally to get the ball back, drive down the field, and set up young Mr. Kahut to drill the game-winner as time expired. And now the only thing standing between our Buck-toothed Brethren and the Rose Bowl berth they so richly deserve is Mikey Bawlalotti and his band of slug-eating thugs. Clearly this is going to be a battle not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi squaring off against Darth Vader. Fortunately, Darth has been getting his porn-star ass kicked in the Bean Dip Bowl for the past decade or so. Please, oh please God, I’ve asked for so little – and received it in abundance this season – so please forgive me for asking for this one thing: Let that trend continue in the Civil Wart on Saturday!

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
What running? Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution would like to present people’s evidence exhibit #1473 in its case against Pathetic Ten commissioner “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen in his trial for crimes against humanity and sports fans everywhere. Who the f*ck ever heard of a conference where 40 percent of the teams [U$C, (f)UCLA, ASU and U-Ho] are idle in late November? Just when fan interest is peaking, when college football is reaching its color-and-pageantry crescendo, when teams from other conferences are playing high-profile games before rabid fans and rapt TV audiences, what does Tommy have the Pathetic Ten do but take a big f*cking powder! Not only does this stretch out the season – and test the MMQB’s patience and stamina – to the breaking point, but it also gives some teams a decided advantage heading into their rivalry games. I mean, are we really surprised that the AFLACs get two weeks to prepare before squaring off against the Barkrats next week? I mean, the two cardinal (not as in Stunnedford, but as in principal) rules of conference scheduling are: (a) always try to ensure that the Ladies of Knight are at home for their toughest games, and (b) give the Zeroes whatever other advantage you can think of through scheduling quirks and any other means necessary. In case you haven’t noticed, the MMQB is sick and f*cking tired of it. Oh, and as if anyone beyond the denizens of the Bay Area gave a rat’s ass, the Fighting Tedheads stomped the Trees 37-16. On the bright side, some Cardinal alums discovered a divine goose-liver pate and a round and creamy chardonnay featuring bright fruit and crisp acidity.

STILL GOING STRONG IN SALEM
“Swervin’” Merben Woo (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo!) scored three TDs to lead undefeated Willamette to a 48-33 victory over Accidental … oops, I mean Occidental College in the first round of the NCAA Division III play-offs. The Beartats now will enjoy a week off (to be spent stuffing turkeys instead of stuffing co-eds) before they take on the defending national champion Wisconsin Whitewater Scandals on 11/29. As if anyone gives a steaming sh*t… Oh and by the way, rumor has it that Willamette is planning a special halftime ceremony to celebrate the lifetime achievements of some of its more distinguished alumni. This has absolutely nothing to do with the MMQB’s readership …

THE BEST DEFENSE MAY BE A GOOD OFFENSE …
…But sometimes even that isn’t enough. West Texas A&M ran up 68 points Saturday and still managed to lose to Abilene Christian. By 25 points! The purple-clad Wildcats hung 810 yard and 93 points (including 51 in the second half) on the Buffs. Editorial note: the MMQB is having even more flashbacks regarding another group of purple-clad Wildcats, a team that struggled to reach those yardage and point totals … for a season! But enough about my career. Anyway, it appears that A&M clearly had problems adjusting to Abilene Christian’s “Hail Mary” offense.

GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS MARKETING
According to Portland Business Journal, “Nike Inc. <http://www.bizjournals.com/portland/gen/Nike_Inc_998111E719114F5F9E63908383 7B9732.html> thinks it is worth $33.8 million to see University of Washington athletes wear the company’s iconic swoosh for the next 10 years.” In discussing the deal, infamous Swooshville spokesman Wally Wafflesole said, “Yes, we think the deal could be a source of some minor embarrassment, but frankly we didn’t think they’d pay us any more than that. I mean, they’ve got the Most Beautiful Stadium in America about to fall down around their ears and everything. Besides, as long as we can continue slipping kryptonite in their jock straps and salt-peter in their water bottles, we’re willing to take a little less money from our victims … er, I mean … our valued partners in Seattle.” Somewhere, behind the Beaverton Berm, a pair of Oakley sunglasses is laughing demonically and scratching out yet another commission check to Babs Hedges. Oh, and by the way, for any MMQB readers cursed with morbid curiosity, it’s worth noting that the BP&G, which is not nearly as beloved, as purple, or as gold as it once was, is now an vomit-inducing 34-62 since that rat bastard Tinker Hatfield got his fiendish paws on our once-classic uniforms. Jesus, that won’t even get a field named for you down in Anarchy Central…

QUICK HITTERS
Saturday Night Dead – Somehow, the Texas Tech Red Raiders became Not Ready For Prime Time Players Saturday night, giving up 35 points in the second quarter on the way to a 65-21 beat-down at the hands of the Oklahoma Boomer Sooners. Now Tech has beaten Texas which beat Oklahoma which beat Tech. And the wheels on the bus go round and round…and the Big 12 tie breaker goes to the team rated highest-rated in the BCS. And you thought John Belushi was a laugh riot! ***** Putting the Shame in Notre Shame – Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys allowed a lame duck coach and an absolutely terrible Syrexcuse for a team score two late TDs and walk out of South Bend with a 24-23 victory. Perhaps the low point for the Rudies was blocking two punts and recovering them both inside the Orange 25 yard line and getting exactly zero points out of it. After the game, fans pelted the players with snowballs. When asked why they didn’t try to hit the coach, a group of fans replied, “he’s the size of a f*cking building and moves about as fast; where’s the challenge?” *****Will Wonders Never Cease? – A Florida State player, Myrone Rolle, was just named a Rhodes Scholar. Apparently, not every Semihole player spent his academic career dodging classes and cheating on-line. Talk about diversity … ***** Get Comfortable, Big Fella – Floyd of Rosedale is going to be staying in Iowa City for another year, after the Hawkeyes destroyed a suddenly reeling Minnesota Gopher squad, 55-zip. Sometimes you get the pig, and sometimes you get the slop. ***** You Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers avoided a terrible embarrassment and actually became bowl eligible (chortle) when they nipped Division I-AA Cal Poly in overtime. They “earned” the victory only because the visitors missed three PATs and their potential game-winning 46-yard FG at the end of regulation came up 15 yards short. Fifteen yards? Hey, after the (Cr)Apple Cup, maybe the BP&G should put that kid on schollie! ***** The Little Old Man From Pasadena – The Nittany Lions sewed up the Big 10/11/Whatever title with a 49-18 victory over Sparty. JoPa is going under the knife for hip replacement surgery, but promises to be ready when his Nittany Lions head out to the Rose Bowl. It will be his first visit to the Grandaddy of Them All since 1995, when his national title team beat the holy living sh*t out of some weak-ass wannabes. Ah, memories… ***** Which reminds me, is Kenny Wheaton still slinging fries at the Eugene Burgermaster? ***** Master Gators Crank Up Tebow Heisman Campaign – Urban “Legend” Myer and the powers that be in Gainesville tried to give QB Tim Tebow as many chances to shine as possible in their 70-19 win Saturday. Of course, the victim was a bad I-AA team from The Citadel. (Apparently, Washington wasn’t available.) Florida beating The Citadel is about as unexpected as Luca Brasi coming out on top against Khartoum, the race horse. ***** Blue Bayou – LSU’s Bayou Bengals lost another SEC game, this time to Ol’ Miss 31-13. There’s no punch line coming, folks – the MMQB just likes it any time he can write about Les “Is More” Miles going down to defeat. ***** And, Finally (Thank God…) – THE Ohio State University put a perfect exclamation mark on Michigan’s dismal 2008 campaign with a 42-7 victory over the Wolverines. Michigan’s seniors are the first class in school history to go five years without a win over their hated rivals. Even this year’s Husky seniors don’t have that sh*t-soaked collar hanging around their necks!

FORGET CLAY BENNETT, LET’S PLAY A QUICK GAME OF “JEOPARDY.”
I’ll take Field Generals for 600, Alex …
Answer:
Chris Peterson, head coach of Boise State
Kyle Wittingham, head coach of Utah
Pat Hill, head coach of Fresno State
Jim Mora, Jr., head coach designee of the Seattle Seahawks
Jerry Moore, head coach of Appalachian State
Brian Kelly, head coach at Cincinnati
Dave Christensen, offensive coordinator at Missouri
Gary Patterson, head coach of TCU
Jim Harbough, head coach of Stanford
Wally Rig, defensive coordinator of the Texas State Fighting Armadillos (see “Necessary Roughness”)
Chip Kelley, offensive coordinator at Oregon (Ohmigod, what am I saying?)
Robert “Achmed” Gallooshes, broken-down former utility exec and current volunteer DB coach of Portland’s Central Catholic HS
Paul “Bear” Bryant (I know the fact that he’s dead is something of a minor inconvenience, but dig the f*cker up!)

Question: Who are coaching candidates the MMQB would be just fine with taking over as the next head coach of the floundering U-Dub Husky-dawgs? I don’t care if they’re not available, dead, fictional, or even, as a last gasp, have University of Zero ties; please, in the name of all that is holy, just get the current regime the f*ck out of here!

That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Next week’s MMQB, if it arrives at all, will be a short one, probably focusing nearly exclusively on The Fighting Barkrats’ upcoming victory over the Mallards in The Civil War. However, your most humble and devoted servant won’t have a lot of time to really apply his usual comprehensive research and reporting techniques, as he will be preoccupied with applying sun-block, reading the grain on the greens, ensuring adequate daily intake of frothy beverages sporting tiny umbrellas, basking in the gentle tropical breezes and generally doing everything else one does while spending a week relaxing in sunny Hawaii.

OK, OK, I know that I’ve said this before, but this week’s installment of the MMQB really IS going to be kind of short. Not sweet, but short. The reason: your humble narrator has spent much of today dealing with malfunctions in the septic system at Chez MMQB. I defy you, any of you, to find a better metaphor for this football season.

MOUNTAINEERS NEAR THE SUMMIT …
The hits just keep on coming for my Newly Beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G), those plucky Mountaineers of Appalachian State. Despite our senior QB and emotional leader “Georgio” Armanti Edwards being knocked out of the game by one of those cheap-shot artist Elon bastards, we held on for a well-earned 24-16 victory. The MMQB tips his hat to the hard-hitting Mountaineer defense, which grounded the Phoenix twice on fourth and short in the final six minutes to preserve the victory. Now the only thing standing between our boys and the playoff berth that is our birth-right are the 3-8 Western Carolina Catamounts. New passengers on the Appy State bandwagon are gladly welcome!

REAL DAWGS WEAR … …
God only knows. Real Dawgs used to wear purple. Now they are more likely to show up to TMBSiA disguised as an empty seat. Or sit at home, wearing black for the funereal stench that hangs over the program like the cloud in Achmed’s guest crapper after a certain MMQB reader had overindulged in curry and polish sausages. Or perhaps they simply wear that grimace of disgust (GOD) that pains the face of the party boy who now realizes that his last shot of tequila was one too many and that plate of jalapeno poppers isn’t going to be nearly as tasty coming up as it was going down. Saturday night’s debacle was just the latest in this season (s)hit parade. In a match-up of former University of Washington coaches, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest got the better of Mr. Personality and his (f)UCLA Ruins summarily dismissed the Mutts, 27-7. After watching the Pooch offense continue to sputter and spurt, throw 30-yard passes across the field in hopes of gaining a whole yard, and dutifully maintain its annoying bipolar personality of mixing ultra-conservative dive plays with low-percentage, Lamonica-esque “Mad Bomber” deep throws, the MMQB for one is not going to be sad to see the Tim Lappono error … I mean, era … no wait, I was right the first time … come to an unceremonious end at Montlake. This level of incompetence simply isn’t fair to the kids. These young people are putting untold hours practicing in hopes of precisely executing intricate maneuvers for our behavior. Resplendent in their purple and gold uniforms, it has to be disappointing to see their efforts appreciated by fewer and fewer fans each week. But enough about the band. The reality is that, “Mora in ’09″ banner waivers notwithstanding, this program has gone down faster than Linda Lovelace on a three-day bender. Recovering from these Un-willingham depths is not going to be easy, or fast, or even certain. The MMQB is despondent. He isn’t quite suicidal yet, but he’s in the same area code. Give me hope…

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
Who says there’s no defense played in the Pathetic 10? Just because the University of Zero AFLACs and ‘Zona Mildcats roll up a cool hundred points between them … just because the foul / fowl “defense” nearly allowed Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong to rally his team from a 48-17 second-half deficit … doesn’t mean a damn thing, now does it? God, if only the visitors could have pulled that off .. the MMQB has a mental picture of Bawlalotti melting down on the sideline into nothing more than the pile of steaming Duck sh*t. Oh wait, that really wouldn’t be much of a change, now would it? So maybe it would be more fun to see him called onto the carpet in front of The Sunglassed One and trying to sputter out excuses about simply having too much time before running out of time. Alas, those pleasant visions are roughly the equivalent of Lenny S, Esq. fantasizing about bedding Scarlett Johannsen and making birdies on Trophy Lake’s 18th hole – simply ain’t gonna happen. Nevertheless, it is worth noting that before the game, U-Ho head coach Mikey B. was in full Bawlalotti mode, whining about the fact that his team wasn’t going to be on TV. Now understand, the MMQB would have had absolutely no problem at all if the nation had been spared further exposure to the open sore that is Husky football in favor of a little more exposure for Mikey’s minions. At this point, who really f*cking cares if his “look at me, look at me, oh please look at me” ego gets a little boost? But instead, it’s the MMQB’s job to give Mikey a quick lesson in practical realities. The combined LA and Seattle markets are … what … maybe 10 times the Portland/Eugene and Tucson markets? Even if only the smallest fraction – and judging from the number of empty seats in TMBSiA, that fraction is getting smaller all the time – of those markets are going to pay attention, it’s still a better deal for the network. Plus there is that whole matter of Decency Standards. A network could be held criminally liable if they knowingly exposed minor children to the patently obscene Foul uniforms (the latest versions are black – not dark evergreen – with black helmets and some strange feather – or bird sh*t, it’s hard to tell – graphics on the shoulder). I mean, remember, all Janet Jackson did was flash a little boob and the Stupor Bowl and you had the entire nation in an moralistic uproar. And that was for showing something that large chunks of the population don’t mind seeing at all. Just think what would ensue once innocent viewers were forced to gaze on the latest abortion from the demented mind of Tinker Hatfield. There’s no good from having people puking on their coffee tables, is there?

NOT EVEN CLOSE, NO CIGAR
You’ve got to hand it to the Fighting Hairball Hackers of the Palouse: they are consistent. They continue to feature a resistible force offense (zero points for the third time in their last four games), a movable object defense (more than 30 points allowed for 9th time in 11 games), and an ER ward at the quarterback position (Kevin Lopina was knocked out of the game with a concussion). There has been some conjecture that the reason this game was only 31-0 was that Stun Devil head man Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson decided to take it easy on his former employers. Of course, with Erickson having worked for roughly half the teams in D-1 and having displayed absolutely no discernable conscience in his long career, that explanation seemed unlikely to the always insightful MMQB. Indeed, my usual detailed research has uncovered that, after the Oregon game, Pathetic 10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen sent a confidential memo to six of the seven remaining conference schools, relevant parts of which are quoted here. “It does the conference no good whatsoever,” the memo read, “to have one of its member institutions so routinely de-pantsed and embarrassed on the gridiron. For the love of God, please lay off the Cougars just a tad. You can still bitch-slap them around a bit, but let’s not let these things get out of hand.” The remaining conference school, The University of Washington, received a special version of the memo, also quoted here. It read simply, “Go for it, and good luck, punks.” And so we head into (Cr)Apple Cup week, where the amazing anomaly may occur: a winless team, on the road in a rivalry game, is likely to be favored. Such is the state of college football in the Evergreen State. Maybe Dino’s happy he doesn’t have to take the helm of this lurching ship of state…

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Seven down and two to go. Those lovable OSU Barkrats just keep finding ways to win, getting one TD on a kick-off return, one after a 60+ yard punt return gave them first-and-goal at the 2, and one on an interception reception. Sandwich among all those fireworks a more traditional TD drive and a FG by Justin “In” Kahut, and you’ve got a hard-fought 34-21 victory over the visiting Fighting Tedheads of Cal. The vaunted orange-and-black now must only travel to Tucson to take on the Mildcats before ending their season in the traditional Civil War show-down with the Quacks. Fortunately, that game will be played in the Beandip Bowl and the home team has won ten of the last eleven Civil War games. (For the memory impaired, especially you delusional Duckies, the MMQB is duty-bound to note that the one exception was last year’s exciting Barkrat victory in the Concrete Bunker.) If the Boys from Cornvalley can somehow navigate these modest speed-bumps, they’ll find themselves in the Rose Bowl for the first time in 48 years. Hey, I wonder how long Riley’s contract runs… Oops, sorry, slight fantasy diversion there. In other Pathetic 10 action, the Condoms avenged last year’s upset with a big second half in a 45-23 victory over the Trees.

THE END IS JUST THE BEGINNING … HOW ZEN!
In small college action, the fighting U-Pay-Us Loggers ended their season on an up note, stomping the comically inept Lewis and Clark Pioneers 58-14. The victory brought the Log season tally to 3-6, a lofty result which dwarfs the record of certain other Washington-based institutions of higher learning. Meanwhile, in the Gaspumper State, the Willamette Bare Pussies prepare to host undefeated Occidental College in the first round of the Division III playoffs. Anybody cruising the net for early holiday gifts might want to check out the Tiger bookstore…

QUICK HITTERS
Guess You Can’t Go Home Again – Unlike Nick Saban’s successfully return to Baton Rouge last week, Steve Superior returned to The Swamp and the scene of his greatest coaching triumphs, only to see his team trounced 56-6, the worst loss in his coaching career. You might say that Gators took the Game away from the ‘Cocks. Then again, you might not… ***** Big Green Around the Gills – The Ink-Stained Wretch’s secondary alma mater, Dartmouth, completed its clean sweep of the 2008 season with Saturday’s 45-16 loss to Brown. Hey, guys, if you’re looking for a new coach, I know where you can find some available candidates… ***** Putting the Blue in Big Blue – For the first time in its 129-year football history, Michigan has lost 8 games in a season, and with tOSU coming up, can #9 be far away? Coach “Ritchie” Rich Rodriguez chalked the disappointing results up to bad scheduling, noting that the Wolverines didn’t have the benefit of having either Washington school on their slate this season. ***** Speaking of Coaching Changes – Ending the longest death-watch since Gary Gilmore, Greg Robinson finally got the axe at Syracuse. His dismissal was pretty understandable, given that his 9-36 record was actually two games worse, if you can believe that, than a certain coach who has been prowling the sidelines around these parts. Heck, that .200 winning percentage won’t even get a field named for you in Eu-f*cking-gene! ***** Bring ‘Em On – By nipping North Carolina 17-15, Maryland has now won sixth straight over Top 25 teams. You know what they say: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Which is why you’ve got to be so careful around Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis… **** Scandal Once Again Rocks FSU – The Semihole offense sputtered in Saturday’s 27-17 loss to BC after Coach Bobby Bowden was forced to suspend five wide receivers for allegedly participating in a mid-week campus brawl that sent several FSU students to the hospital. Bowden was reportedly outraged that the players were even near the brawl instead of being “safe inside, cheating on their on-line courses like they were supposed to be.”

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett didn’t do or say a damn thing stupid this weekend. Talk about you man-bites-dog story…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

Ah, really, who the f*ck even cares at this point? Some nitwits in Lubbock who haven’t seen this much gol’ darn commotion since Buddy Holly went to that big recording studio in the sky and a bunch of pig-f*ckers from Tuscaloosa who haven’t been this excited since that time that Cousin Clem got drunk and ended up shooting off the hangy-down part of his ear. Let’s just get this festering pustule of a season the f*ck over with and get on with our collective lives, OK?

DON’T WORRY – BE APPY …
…As in the red-hot Appalachian State Mountaineers, my NBB&G, who treated the Chatanooga Mocs the way my old BP&G teams used to treat visitors to the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. In short, the kicked the holy livin’ sh*t right out of them, 49-7. Next up is our big game vs. always-tough Elon. OK, admit it: How many of the MMQB’s loyal readers have even heard of the Elon (NC) University Phoenix? Well, they’re 8-2 and 6-1 in conference play, and they are a squad to be reckoned with, baby. My ‘Neers are just happy that the game will take place in Boone, in the snake pit that is Kidd Brewer Stadium. Bring ‘em on, I say, bring ‘em on! Then it’s a tune-up against the mediocrity that is Western Carolina and on to the play-offs! Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

POOCHES TEASE THE MMQB BEFORE LIFTING A LEG ON HIS HOPES AND DREAMS
There I was, putting the final touches on Chez MMQB in preparation for hosting a birthday party for a couple of Mrs. MMQB’s friends and what should I behold on the tube? Could it be? Could that score actually be correct? It must be, it’s an expensive f*cking television and the picture is quite clear. it’s right there – we are in the third quarter and the Mutts are actually ahead. As in, leading. As in, having more points than the other team. As in, oh-my-f*cking-God-when-was-the-last-time-this-happened? At this point, I became confused. My world-view was spinning dangerously out of whack. Not to worry, Ty’s troops were in the midst of settling for field goals and keeping the Stun Devils securely in the game. Had the Pups scored TDs on their first couple of second-half trips into the red zone, they might have broken the will of the visiting Tortilla Tossers, whose own historic losing streak had created a collective self-image that was about as secure as an unemployed stripper with acne, an overbite, and a unquenchable hunger for sausage and sauerkraut pizzas. In other words, if the BP&G could have just stepped on the Stun Devils’ necks just the littlest bit, the visitors from Tempe might well have melted like the ice in their coach’s scotch. But never fear, sports fans, … with only the approaching (Cr)Apple Cup as a potential obstacle standing between Ty-on-one and a season record unblemished with victory, the home team finally hit their stumbling stride. A slew of dropped passes and missed tackles later, the Stun Devils had accelerated their way to 23 unanswered points and a 39-19 victory. You know what they say: We’re going to win or die Tying…

THIS IS GETTING PRETTY F*CKING OLD IF YOU ASK THE MMQB
Once again, the Trees had the Foul Fowls on the ropes and let them waddle their way to a last-second TD and the35-28 victory. The MMQB readily admits to falling down on the job. Normally, he would be able to provide ample evidence of Uncle Phil’s payola leading directly to the Ladies of the Knight hitting pay dirt. This week, he must admit that he was unable to find such evidence. For one thing, Knight’s favorite bag-man, one Browns, KR, was able to give my operative the slip. He moves with such grace for a big man, this Browns. But a more serious problem was that my crack staff of researchers spent most of the week thoroughly comparing and contrasting the academic loads carried by members of the two squads. I believe that my readers might find some of my discoveries to be of interest. Though federal privacy statutes prohibit me attaching specific names to this information, I will say that both of these “scholar-athletes” are academic juniors at their respective institutions of higher learning. As you’ll see, one institution may be a little “higher” that the other in the academic sense, while the other may be a little “higher” in every other sense.

And so, without further ado, I give you the typical Stanford player’s schedule:
English 376: Shakespeare – Themes of Love and Longing in The Tragedies
Mathematics 352: Calculus of Multiple Variables
Philosophy 410: Intersection of Logic and Ethics in Wittgenstein’s Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
Economics 428: Problems of Trend Analysis in Econometric Modeling
Physics 467: Quantum Mechanics, Chaos Theory, and Other Obtuse Conjectures

In contrast, here is the typical “academic” schedule for a representative of the University of Zero football squad:
Geology 101: Rocks for Jocks
Phys Ed 176: Advanced Billiards III: The Bank Shot
Botany 210: The Herb-an Environment
Phys Ed 310: The Joy of the Joystick (held conveniently in the AFLAC locker room)
Economics 110: Bartering Your Way to Fun, Profit, and No Conference Sanctions

COOGS RIDE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE IN 31-POINT NAIL-BITER LOSS
It amazes the MMQB that his beloved Mutts of Montlake can be so monumentally, epically bad and yet he is able to gaze across the Cascades and derisively say to himself, “thank God we’re not in their cleats.” Actually, in all fairness (and the MMQB is nothing if not the model of fairness and perspective) the Fighting Hairball-Hackers of the Palouse probably deserve congratulations for Saturday’s game. After all, they finally kept a legitimate Pathetic Ten offense under 60 points, holding Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and the rest of the Mildcats to an embarrassingly low output of only 533 yards and 59 points. You can bet those boys will be running stairs when they get their asses back to Tucson. Meanwhile, the goal posts were narrowly saved at Martin Stadium as crazed fans poured on the field, Autzen Style, to celebrate the narrow 31 point margin of defeat; it was, after all, their team’s closest game in more than a month. So they got that going for them. On the other paw, Coach “Big Bad” Wulff’s troops have now passed the historic 500 points-allowed barrier and with three games still to go (OK, two games plus the Dawgs) are well on their way to shattering the ineptness barrier the way Chuck Yeager once historically broke the sound barrier. On the bright side for Furball Fans, the team will soon be escaping the winter doldrums (which is code for nut-freezing conditions) in Pullman with a well-deserved trip to the land of the taut pierced tummy and g-string coeds, where they will square off against former Wazzu coach Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson and the rest of the Stun Devils, themselves ironically fresh off a victory over the only conference team threatening the Coug domination of all “Most Pathetic” statistical categories. The outlook (if not a single player) is bright in Pull-my-finger-man, my friends. Why even WSU cornerback Romeo “Wherefore art thou?” Pellum is predicting “we should finally get a Pac-10 win” this week. You’ve got to love the kid’s brash enthusiasm, if not his intellect (admittedly a rare commodity at Wazzu). I’m guessing young Romeo really struggles with math,- the early Vegas line tabs the Stun Devils as a 38-point favorite.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The surging OSU Barkrats went down to Tinseltown and administered a good, old-fashioned 34-6 gnawing to a UCLA Ruin team that seems to be growing softer and softer by the week. Honestly, any true fan of good, solid football had to enjoy this result. After all, one of the teams is coached by an unassuming solid guy, a class act, and a man who approaches his job in an honest, humble fashion, a disciplined coach that turns boys into men and whose teams always seem to improve as the season progresses. The other team is coached by Slicky Ricky Sweatervest. Need I say more? Well, you can bet that the MMQB and 12,467 of his closest friends will have plenty to say to the (f)UCLA coach when he makes his first return trip to the scene of the crime next Saturday night. Meanwhile, U$C continues to struggle on the offensive side of the ball, an inexplicable weakness that is keeping Pete “Christmas” Carroll from rolling up the impressive scores needed to move the Condoms up to the loftiest perches of the BCS where they really belong, given their payroll. Nevertheless, the Toejams’ 17-7 victory over the Fighting Tedheads keeps them lurking menacingly in the wings should the Barkrats slip up in any of their remaining games.

THIS JUST IN
The Pac-10 conference investigation into shocking allegations that Reggie Bush might possibly have received improper benefits during his Heisman Trophy-winning career at U$C is now entering its third year. The paragon of care and thoroughness, conference investigators are trying to determine whether the $70,000 car and $500,000 suburban townhouse were serious enough infractions to be mentioned in the same breath as the infamous fruit-basket scandal at UW in the early 1990s.

BUT WAIT; THERE’S MORE GOOD NEWS…
Willamette beat U-Pay-Us 49-27. In keeping with a D-1 tradition firmly established by the Pathetic Ten’s own “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, the team from Washington had to visit Oregon. Reports are that the vaunted student-athletes from U-Pay-Us never recovered from a logistical glitch that cost them valuable warm-up time. The team’s arrival in Salem was delayed by roughly two hours while their diesel charter buses were erroneously refueled with unleaded by a 17-year-old high school drop-out named Clem in the suburbs of Portland…

QUICK HITTERS
Rocky Times for Top Rocky Topper – Despite being the third winningest active coach in D1 and barely a decade removed from a national title, Phil Fullmer is being shown the door in Knoxville. Fullmer can’t have gone suddenly stupid – the University is going to have to pay him something like $6 million to not coach the Vols. Meanwhile, his team decided to go out and really show the home fans that they were still behind their coach. Wyoming 13 – Tennessee 7. Don’t let the door hit you in the ample posterior on the way out, Phil… **** I Get A Kick Out of You – Iowa’s Daniel Murray kicked a last-second FG to secure a 24-23 win over Penn State and rob JoPa of what might be his last shot at a national title. Of course, as long as that picture of Joe hidden away in Happy Valley continues aging, he might be around when Danny’s son is kicking for the Hawkeyes… ***** Save A Horse, Torch a Cowboy – Oklahoma State’s defensive backs were turned every which way but loose by Red Raider QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell, who threw for six TDs in Texas Tech’s 56-20 rout over OSU. Meanwhile, Harrell’s mad genius coach Mike Leach will have two weeks to come up with new insanity to bedevil the DB’s at that other cow-college in Oklahoma. ***** What A Difference A Year Makes – Last year, Ron Zook seemed to have finally put the fireronzook.com fiascos behind him and turned the corner at Illinois, leading his team to a Big Ten (Eleven, Whatever) title and a Rose Bowl date with U$C. Now, after a 23-17 upset loss to Western Michigan, the Illini are back to a mediocre .500. You just know the websites can’t be far behind… *****No Offense, Charlie – The Weis Guys were blanked by Boston College (aka Catholic Lite) 17-0. It was the first time Eagles have ever shut out the Rudies. Apparently some Chicago alumni are circulating a petition to declare the South Bend artwork, “No Touchdown Jesus.” ***** Guess You Can Go Home Again – Former LSU coach Nick Saban led his top-ranked Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers into the City of the Red Stick and came out with a 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers. Saban immediately asked whether he got paid time-and-a-half for the overtime period.

AND IN CLOSING…
For the Oklahoma Boomer Sooner trip to College Station, super OU fan Clay Bennett donned an extra large “12th Man” tee-shirt. When asked what he was hoping to accomplish with the get-up, Clay replied that he was inspired by seeing another Seattle franchise owner whipping up rabid fan support with the 12th man flag. Informed that this issue was something of a sore point with A&M fans, Bennett immediately replied, “Have I mentioned that the Thunder won a game last week?”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – This message was not approved or endorsed by any candidate for office…

This is going to have to be kind of a short one, sports fans. Not only does your most humble and obedient servant, your trusted font of color and pageantry, have pressing work obligations, but he also must sadly report that prolonged exposure to this festering dung-heap of a college football season is threatening to turn his once-nimble cranial assets into a quivering mass of rotting lutefisk. This is clearly not a good thing.

WE ARE ON A ROLL!
It was another all-around great effort as the suddently surging Appy State Mountaineers pounded the visiting Wofford Terriers, 70-24. Led by “Georgio” Armanti Edwards’ career high 367 yards and five touchdowns passing, our offensive juggernaut rolled up 620 total yards. Our opportunistic defensive forced five turnovers. The victory moved the MMQB’s now-beloved Black and Gold (NBB&G) to a cool 7-2. Following a seemingly easy game against the 1-8 Chattanooga Mocs, we’ll have the big show-down with 7-2 Elon for the Southern Conference championship. And then it’s off to the playoffs, where my boys will attempt to add a fourth-straight national championship. Go Mountaineers!

THIS IS WHAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS ALL ABOUT, BABY!
It does the MMQB’s heart good just to soak up a scene like this. Talented athletes making play after miraculous play. The unique camaraderie of rabid fans first camping out overnight, joining together to scream themselves hoarse in support of the home team’s valiant efforts against a favored and despised foe, and then, overcome with emotion, storming the field after their beloved team actually pulls off the improbable victory. This is the color. This is the pageantry. This is, unfortunately, miles from Montlake. But in Lubbock, Texas, where the Red Raiders licked the Bevos, life is good. And, in one of the feel-good stories of the college football season, life is especially good for one Matt Williams. A few weeks ago, he was just a frat boy in the stands, sucking down a few brewskis and trying to feel up an Alpha Phi. Then we was plucked out of the stands for one of those hokey halftime contests in which he drilled a 30-yard FG for free apartment rent. Tech’s Mad Scientist Coach, fed up with scholarship kickers missing six PATs in the team’s first seven games, invited Williams to walk on, and the kid has actually become the starting kicker for the number two team in the latest BCS ratings. He had four PAT’s and two FG’s in the amazing, last-second 39-33 victory over previously undefeated Texas. And as a result, one Matt Williams now has his choice of any nubile young Alpha Phi he carnally desires. Alas, the world is nothing if not one big teeter-totter, and for every incredible high there must be a countervailing desperate low. Which brings us right square back to the football teams of Washington’s two major research universities. These two teams, if we can call them that, are definitely putting the Pathetic back into the Pathetic Ten. Abysmal. Atrocious. Terrible. Awful. Horrible. Appalling. Despicable. Pitiful. Disgraceful. Disgusting. Inept. Ghastly. These two sinking bilge buckets, overflowing with the accumulated crap of a thousand generations, would challenge even the esteemed Messr. Roget himself to find an adjective that could adequately capture their collective stench. They are, in three words: just f*cking bad. To wit, with North Texas State’s victory, the Bumbling Purple and Gold now find themselves all alone in the D-1 crapper of winlessness. And they managed to remain victory virgins in a truly vomit-inducing fashion: the Condoms had nearly covered the 46 point spread by half-time, having scored TDs on each of their first six drives. The Pooches, in contrast, went three-and-out on five of their first six possessions (none of which could be remotely described as a drive) and were down 35-zip before notching their inaugural first down. And yet, remarkably, the Fleabags’ 56-zip loss was not the most ignoble defeat suffered by a team from The Evergreen State this past weekend. That particular dishonor goes to the Fighting Hairballs of the Palouse, who managed to stumble, bumble and fumble (five turnovers) their way to a 58-zip loss at the hands of the Stunneford Trees. Wazzu has now given up 350 points in conference play, more than any other team in history. With three more Pac-10 games to go, and a little effort, they should be able to set a record for futility that can never be matched. So they’ve got that going for them. Meanwhile, in the wake of this weekend’s 114-nothing (nada, zip, nil, nix, f*cking zero) dumpage for our state’s two big schools, one has to wonder whether this year’s (Cr)Apple Cup will finally threaten the twenty-five year reign of the 1983 Civil War, which ended in a zero-zero tie of mutual incompetence, as the ugliest game in college football history.

Please, for the love of God, don’t make me go on…

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS
There’s an old saying about water off a duck’s ass. And Saturday’s game in Berkeley had plenty of water and plenty of Duck asses hanging out. Despite being relegated to their second-string QB, the almost supernaturally inconsistent and comically immobile Nate “Not So Great” Longshore, the Fighting Tedfords held off the invaders from Anarchy Central 26-16, in a match-up of teams donning two of Tinker Hatfield’s more stomach-turning uniform designs. We can only hope that Saturday’s game is the beginning of that most revered of college football traditions, the AFLAC’s annual November swoon.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The resilient OSU Barkrats shook off the loss of their starting QB and still held off the invading ASU Stun Devils, 27-25. The victory was sealed when the Barkrat defense intercepted Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter’s two-point conversion pass with 21 seconds left. Unlike a certain coach who shall remain nameless from down the road, Barkrat head man Mike “Life Of” Riley always seems to have his teams improving throughout the season. As a result, the overachieving Barkrats still control their own destiny with four games to go in the Pathetic Ten conference race. If the OSU elevator is going up, the ASU elevator is in a free-fall plummet to the big basement like Mickey Rourke in “Angel Heart.” The Stun Devils have suffered six straight defeats, a streak that may not end up until they square off against the Montlake Mutts. The current skid is the longest losing streak at ASU since 1929, which coincidentally was another year marked by interesting developments on Wall Street. This kind of losing probably is enough to make a coach take a good, stiff drink. Oops, too late…

AS IF IT MATTERS…
The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-US notched another close-but-no-cigar performance in a 32-24 loss to Linfield. The game kept the Fighting Logs winless in conference play and secured an NCAA record 53rd consecutive winning season for Linfield. (Remember when a slightly larger school up the road from U-Pay-Us enjoyed a long streak of winning seasons?) Oh, and by the way, Willamette vaulted into the D-3 top 10 despite sitting out the weekend.

QUICK HITTERS
Perhaps He Was Well-Rested – Central Michigan’s back-up QB Brian Brunner threw for 485 yards and four touchdowns and ran for another score in his team’s 347-34 upset of the Indiana Hoosier-”Daddies.” Imagine what would have happened if their starter could have played! ***** A Game or A Career? – Stephen S. “Exh”Austin State QB Jeremy Moses set NCAA records with 57 completions and 85 attempts, rolling up 501 yards and four TD’s passing. Oh yeah, the Lumberjacks lost 34-31 in double OT to Sam Houston State. ***** The Rising Tide – Alabama rolled to a workmanlike 35-0 victory over Arkansas State. Apparently B-Y-E was unavailable. ***** This Ain’t the Movies, Fat Charlie – Hollywood thinks things always work out for the Domers, but in the real world Pitt first tied the game on a fourth-down TD pass and then kicked FGs in each of four overtime periods to nip Notre Shame. The Fighting Rudies have always feasted on the Little Sisters of the Poor, but the contrast is now stark as the Bead-rubbers are 0-9 against teams with winning records since the second week of the 2006 season. No wonder they’re begging to schedule U-Dub… ***** How The Mighty Have Fallen – Michigan’s 33-year streak of bowl appearances is over, as Big Blue fell to 2-7 by losing 48-42 to Purdue. The Boilermakers scored the winning TD on a last-second hook-and-lateral play that was eerily reminiscent of Boise State’s winning play in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. In fact, when the highlight was shown on the big-screen at Sooner Stadium, 14 fans went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Sooner Than Expected – Oklahoma rushed to a 35-0 first quarter lead on a way to a 62-28 victory over Nebraska. At that point, Cornholer coach Bo “Knows” Pellini went into convulsions and required medical attention. ***** Good news / bad news – Iowa State’s Leonard Johnson broke the major-college game record for kick-off return yardage with 319 yards. The bad news is that he had plenty of chances, as his team was creamed by Oklahoma State, 59-17. If only his teammates could have been a little sh*ttier on defense, he might have really done something. ***** Way To Finish Strong – Michigan State nipped Wisconsin, 25-24. The “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers” had led by 11 with 9:19 to go, but choked on their collective bratwursts and couldn’t close the deal. In fact, their collapse was the most pathetic home stretch performance by a Wisconsin athlete since the last time one Lenny Sorrin, Esq. tackled the 18th hole at Trophy Lake. ***** Speaking of Finishing Strong – Every QB dreams of one of his passes resulting in a game-winning score in the waning seconds of a tight, hard-fought game. Minnesota QB Adam Weber is no exception and on Saturday his dream came true. Unfortunately, the pass was deflected into the waiting arms of Northwestern linebacker Brendan Smith who promptly returned the interception 48 yards for the deciding score in the Mildcats’ 24-17 victory. Need to be a little more specific there, Adam …

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett has begun wearing a hounds-tooth fedora, ala Paul “Bear” Bryant. No one knows exactly why…

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet