Monday Morning Quarterback

MY BOYS ARE ON A FREAKIN’ ROLL!!!

Let’s hear it for the Appalachian State Mountaineers, whose never-say-die spirit lead to their fifth straight victory Saturday, an important 26-14 come-from-behind victory over Furman. Yes, I admit that we might have had a little problem stopping Tersoo Uhaa (talk about a name that sounds like a social disease: “oh, stay away from him, Madge; he has a raging case of the tersoo uhaa!”). The elusive Paladin rambled for 99 yards and two TDs, but the Mountaineers were able to counter with the ever-steady “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who came through with 186 yards passing and two TDs. Bring on Wofford!

SO BYE-BYE MR. LOSE-ALL-OUR-GAMES TY —

In the words of one Richard Milhaus Nixon, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a candidate for the head coaching job of the University of Washington football team, those lovable Mutts of Montlake, the Beloved Purple and Gold, celebrated in song and story, #1 in your hearts and, unfortunately, #119 in your program. If offered the position of head coach, I will flee to Canada. If hired, I will fight extradition. Rumor has it that the U-Dub athletic office has already received 432 fax transmissions regarding the job. Unfortunately, they’re all from D-1 head coaches, coordinators, and NFL assistances, respectfully begging to join the MMQB in the “Oh Hell, No” pile. However (and remember that you heard it here first), MMQB sources do report that a little-know high school assistant coach from the greater Portland area has emerged as the leading candidate at this early juncture. Beyond the months of rampant (and often delusional) speculation that will mark the next in our seemingly endless series of rebuilding projects, the MMQB is sad to report that he is finding it extremely hard to muster much enthusiasm for the rest of the season. As long as we have the Human Postage Stamp leading the team, we should expect nothing more than yet another mail-it-in performance every Saturday. The Rumpled Publisher and I must be about two Pro V’s short of a full sleeve, because we both were stupid enough to make the trek to the MBSiA late Saturday afternoon to watch the Pooches square off against Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys. Therefore, I did not have an opportunity to watch the TV broadcast, as I have long since abandoned my early 90’s habit of recording every minute of every U-Dub game for ritual replaying at later dates. (That reminds me; it’s been at least a year since I’ve seen the “All I Saw Was Purple” U$C game of 1990 or even the Whammy in Miami from 1994. But I digress … anything to avoid thinking about this year’s edition.) So where was I? Oh yeah, TV. Just wondering, was there any chance that ESPN apologized to the national TV audience for exposing them to that dreck? Maybe a warning that the images on the screen were not fit for young children? I mean, the entire nation gets its panties in the bunch when Janet Jackson flashes a tit for a nanosecond during the Super Bowl halftime hoo-hah, but no one is looking at the damage prolonged exposure to this football team could be inflicting on the youth of ‘Merica? I didn’t think I personally could get any lower than the agony of a home loss to Nevada during the Gilby regime. But I’m beginning to think of those as the good old days. Through three-and-a-half quarters, the vaunted offense of Timmy “8 Inches and a Cloud of Field Turf” Lappano had netted us 55 yards. That’s right, sports fans, fifty-f*cking-five f*cking yards. 22 yards in the first quarter – couldn’t possibly get any worse, could it? Wrong-o, Pigskin Breath! 16 yards in the second. Well, it’s got to get better after the world-famous Willingham halftime adjustments, right? Guess again, oh Sage Chronicler of Color and Pageantry! 13 yards in the third. And so it goes… I hate to say it, but that kind of offensive juggernaut is enough to give the MMQB flashbacks to his own storied career under center. I don’t believe that we entered the Rudy end of the field until well into that final stanza and I’m pretty sure that the only reason we scored was that the Bead Rubbers inserted Sister Mary Kate, Sister Mary Catherine, Sister Mary Alice, and Sister Mary Mary into the defensive backfield for our last series. We were so f*cking bad that we got an illegal substitution penalty on the first play of the second half. (An accomplishment that can only be topped by last week’s delay-of-game on the first play of the game … after a bye week. I mean, if you have two weeks and still can’t get the play in…) On defense, well, we are not … good. Our tackling has slipped right past pathetic into comedic territory. We forced a grand total of zero punts. The one time the Micks lined up to punt, our team was so shocked that they barely noticed the guy running past them with the fake for 30 or 40 yards. (Though my personal favorite may have been the time we had our punt return team on the field when Notre Shame was clearly going for it on fourth down. On the bright side, the guy who was 50 yards downfield probably would have had as good a chance as any other defender to tackle the ball carrier, eventually, if our crack coaching staff hadn’t wised up to what 60,000 or so fans noticed right away…) At this point, every time I think of U-Dub football, I have flashbacks to “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Our team used to be a little like Randall Patrick McMurphy – maybe a little wild, but a helluva lot of fun to watch. Then in came “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, doing his best Nurse Cratchett impersonation, and with the help and encouragement of the rest of our Pathetic 10 brethren, ol’ Tommy ensured that our entire program was well and truly lobotomized. So we’re left there, laying listless on the cold, white sheets like a dead carp that’s washed up on the beach and just continues to smell worse and worse as the weeks drag by. All we need now is to have the chief sneak quietly into our room and place a big f*cking pillow firmly over our face and put us out of our misery. Next up, without salvation, we have U$C … COUGS LET THE SPOTLIGHT OF SUCKAGE SHINE EXCLUSIVELY ON THE MUTTS In good news for the long-suffering fans of the Fighting Fur-balls of the Palouse, the Pussies did not fall victim to another Pac-10 drubbing on Saturday. Instead, the team took the time off to organize a flag football game against the Pull-my-finger-man chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. The bad news is that they still lost 53-24, primarily due to their inability to contain Ethel “Crazy Hips” Cunningham, an unusually spry octogenarian FB who rambled for 177 yards and four TDs for the Patrioettes. . They did, however, manage to keep their QB healthy through the entire game and hold the DAR under 60 points, so they’ve got that going for them.

QUACKS TAKE THE WEEK OFF

Long-time readers may recall that I am no fan of Dennis Erickson. I believe that he is an NCAA violation just waiting to happen. I believe that he recruits athletes with little regard to whether or not they can spell their own names, much less participate in college-level classes. His players generally have less trouble avoiding tacklers than they do the long arm of the law, and as often as not are not appropriate representatives of an institution ostensibly dedicated to the pursuit of higher learning. So frankly, I’m never overly upset when the lawless one gets taken down a few notches, as seems to be happening this season. The Stun Devils, once thought to be potential challengers to the Condom domination of the conference and nearly certain contenders for a bowl slot, are in the midst of a five-game losing streak and this coming week must visit Denny’s former stomping grounds (and I’m not talking about the Crow’s Nest Tavern in Everett). Nope, next week it’s a return engagement in Cornvalley where Denny’s gonna get grand-slammed. Relief appears nowhere in sight … no wait, there it is the following week, when they play the Dawgs. Anyway, despite my ill-will toward Mr. Erickson, really careful readers may have also picked up on a few subtle hints I have dropped from time to time regarding my mild distaste for the University of Oregon football team and its coach, one Mr. Michael Bellotti. So the MMQB is quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich) not really sure how to feel about the fact that the AFLACs have once again waddled their foul feathered asses over the line of good sportsmanship, not when the victims of this particular transgression was none other than Mr. Erickson. I mean, really, when your two most recent rent-a-backs “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson and LeGarrette Blount “Instrument” have already run for two TDs apiece and you are enjoying a 47-13 lead in the other guy’s stadium, do you really need to have your QB throw a 62 yard TD pass with 5:27 left to play just so you can push the lead to 41 points? What is it with you Mikey? What deep psychological need isn’t getting filled? I mean, really, didn’t Mommy stuff her boobie in your mouth enough when you a wee little webfoot to make you feel all loved?

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Slicky Ricky Sweatervest seems right on track to bring his brand of football to Westwood. The Ruins gave up 24 straight points in the fourth quarter as the Fighting Tedheads of Cal broke open a close game and pulled away for 41-20 victory. Following the game, the always-eloquent (f)UCLA coach sang the praises (thankfully without his usual guitar accompaniment) of his team’s passing defense. It’s true that the Ruin D held Cal to a mere 153 yards passing yards, after having allowed a miserly 93 yards passing total in its last two games, a victory over Stunnedford and a loss to the AFLACs. Of course, stats can be a little misleading, as those three teams really saw no reason to pass the ball much, averaging as they did more than 300 yards on the ground apiece. And, true to the Sweatervest heritage, his team was an equal opportunity participant in the line-of-scrimmage domination department, as Cal held the Ruins to 16 net rushing yards. All things considered, the Ruins really turned in a well-rounded performance on offense (4 interceptions), defense (giving up a 60 yard TD pass on a flea flicker) and special teams (picking up 22 yards on a fake punt on fourth-and-23). Yep, the MMQB may not be an expert, but I’m guessing the football monopoly in Los Angeles is going to be good and healthy for a few weeks yet. Speaking of which, U$C posted a 17-10 victory over a ‘Zona team still reeling from the Lute Olsen retirement announcement earlier in the week. (Not that ‘Zona is a basketball school or anything…) Anyway, about the only thing of note in the game was that the Mildcats were flagged for exactly one penalty for 15 yards. What’s the big deal? Well, it comes one week after they had absolutely no penalties in their win over Cal. For those of you not keeping track (and really, why would you when you have the MMQB to do it for you?) that is the first time a Pathetic Ten team has gone penalty-free in a game since 2001, and only the 8th time since 1959! I would suggest that the Mildcat accomplishment is something to really celebrate, but then again you can’t risk drawing one of those pesky excessive celebration flags…

REMEMBER, PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL…

The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us continue to work their season-long strategy to perfection, setting up Willamette for an upset of Biblical proportions. On Saturday, the Logs bowed 14-7 to their bitter cross-town rivals, the PLUtes. Meanwhile, Willy’s Armpit was busy dispatching their own bitter rivals, the Linfield Who-The-Hell-Knows-And-Who- The-Hell-Cares, 52-28. The victory sent the Beartats to an impressive 8-0 and a #11 national ranking in the D-3 polls. Any chance they’d like to take on the Pooches?

QUICK HITTERS

What a Difference a Week Makes – Last week, Mizzu was getting Ned Beatty’d by Texas, finding themselves down 35-zip at the half before eventually surrendering 591 yards and 56 points to the Donghorns. This week, they were administering the … well, you know … as they blasted Coach Moonbeam and the Buffs 58-0. Which Tiger team will show up for next week’s clash with Baylor? ***** And They Say We Don’t Play Defense in the Pac 10? – Oklahoma and K-State battled to a 28-28 tie … with eight minutes to go in the second quarter. The score at the half was 55-28 and the teams ended up with more than 1000 yards of total offense in the 58-35 Sooner victory. Of course, that means the teams only combined for 10 second-half points. Could be good coaching adjustments at the half … or the kids were too f*ckin’ tired to walk by then. ***** Not a Good Day To Be From Kansas – While the K-State Mildcats were busy getting dusted by the Sooners, the Jayhawks were busy getting rock-blocked by Texas Tech. The Red Raiders ran up 556 yards of offense and scored 63 points on the afternoon. Dorothy? Dorothy? Where are you, Dorothy? *****Thank You, JoPa! – Penn State nipped THE Ohio State University 13-6. College football fans across the land can now sleep easy, as the loss, coupled with the F*ckeyes’ earlier lambasting at the hands of U$C, should eliminate tOSU from any consideration for another national title game debacle. ***** Impressive Feet Lead to Impressive Feat – Knowshon Moreno quieted the notoriously rowdy LSU crowd with an amazing 68 yard run that gave Georgia a three TD lead in the third quarter on their way to a 52-38 victory. Even more impressively, the Bulldog victory temporarily quieted Les “Mouth of the South” Miles, though he was later heard arguing that a Tiger team with two losses still should be able to get into the BCS title game. ***** The Nutt House – Ol’ Miss held off a late Arkansas rally to give coach Houston Nutt a victory over his former team. The issue wasn’t settled until the very end, as the Hogs scored a late TD and recovered an onside kick before the Rebel defense finally held. Essentially, Nutt allowed the Razorback faithful to get their hopes up before squashing them – a process not unlike his entire 10-year career in Fayatteville. ***** Didn’t Want To Peak Too Soon – Virginia beat No. 21 Georgia Tech 24-17 and is now in first place in the ACC’s Coastal Division, despite having lost three of their first four games by an average of 36 points. The school may want to adopt Lazarus as its new mascot. ***** Fancy Passing or Just a Passing Fancy? — The normal grind-it-out Rutgers offense was replaced by a veritable flying circus Saturday, as QB Mike Teel threw for six TDs in the Scarlet Knights’ 54-34 upset of #17 Pitt. Poor kid’s arm hasn’t gotten a work-out like that since the first time he stole a Victoria’s Secret calendar. ***** Urban Legend – Coach Meyer and the Master Gators seem to be clicking on all cylinders as Saturday’s 63-5 victory over Kentucky indicates. After the game, a defiant Mildcat coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks, dismissed media inquiries about his Florida counterpart, declaring, “Let Mr. Big-Shot come back to me when he has a field named after him!” *****OK, Let’s Do the Same Thing, But With Gophers – Much to Carl Spackler’s dismay, those pesky Gophers continue to run wild, as Minnesota topped Purdon’t, 17-6. Joe Tiller obviously just wants to get this last season over. Hey, Joe, how about inviting Ty over to compare notes?

A SPECIAL TIP OF THE MMQB’S WEATHERED 1991 NATIONAL TITLE HAT GOES TO ……

young Nick “Give ‘Em The” Finger, a senior RB at Millbrook (NY) HS, who scored a state-record 58 points in his team’s 66-57 victory over Tri-Valley. He ran 40 times for 485 yards, 8 TDs and five two-point conversions. The real question is, who scored the other 8 points? No, check that, the real question is whether the kid likes Seattle. I don’t care whether scouting services consider him D-1 material. Only about six guys on our roster are…

AND IN CLOSING…

Clay Bennett rushed to defend embattled and soon-to-be-former (not to be confused with form-to be sooner) UW football coach Ty Willingham, saying that “I know what makes a winner, and I know a real winner when I see one.” In related news, the Oklahoma City Thunder have rushed to a 1-6 record in pre-season NBA action.

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet