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Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the BP&G 0-6, a big fat f*ckin doughnut-for-six, one of only two winless I-A teams, and proud owners of the nation’s longest losing streak … well, times are nothing if not desperate. So the MMQB hereby declares that he is throwing his loyalties toward a new team for the remainder of the 2008 season. I hereby declare that I will be cheering on Appalachian State to I-AA glory. For those of you not keeping track, after Saturday’s thrilling 37-36 comeback victory over Georgia Southern, the Mountaineers are 5-2 (with one of the losses coming to LSU), but are 3-0 and tied for second place in the always-tough Southern Conference. We (notice how quickly I adopt the possessive tense?) have big games coming up on three of the next four Saturdays against Furman, Wofford, and conference leading Elon. Anybody know where I can get an Appy State hat?
MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN THE BP&G?
Sometimes, watching college football can be very educational. For instance, the MMQB had never really understood that whole Butterfly Effect thing before. (Stay with me, sports fans, this will all make sense eventually – I hope.) The Butterfly Effect is used in chaos theory to describe how small variations in the initial conditions of a dynamic system may produce large variations in the long-term behavior of the system. The phrase refers to the idea that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings could create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately delay, accelerate, alter the path or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. (Got that?) So, what the f*ck has this got to do with the color and pageantry of college football, you ask? Here’s what: if a little over two decades ago, a certain Mr. Rodgers had just stopped on the way home from work a couple times and picked up a box of Durex ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms, then maybe, just maybe, the miserable Mutts of Montlake wouldn’t have been outscored 28-13 by the fruits of his loins. Maybe, just maybe, the poor, pathetic Pooches would have been competitive, rather than losing their fifth straight to the Barkrats, 34-13. Nah, this is where that whole chaos theory sh*t breaks down. Any team that allows over 400 yards of total offense to every team that waltzes onto the field with it, any team that connects on less than half of its field goal attempts, any team that week after week gives up four turnovers, any team that can’t tackle a nun in a wheelchair, any team that has sacked the opposing QB three times … not in a quarter, not in a half, not in a game, but in the entire f*ckin’ season – well, can you see where I’m going with this? – well, that team isn’t going to win much of anything. Except maybe the Apple Cup. Meanwhile, Go Mountaineers!
PUSSIES FIND 69 NOT SO DIVINE AFTER GETTING LICKED BY CONDOMS
No matter how f*cked up things are at Montlake, they can’t hold a candle to the thermo-nuclear dung heap Coach “Big Bad” Wulff and company dealing with in Pull-my-finger-man. It does the MMQB’s grizzled heart good simply to compile a short list of examples of the Hairball Hackers’ ineptitude: (#1) the 69-0 whitewashing was the worst defeat in the history of a program that has seen more than its share of really, really bad football over the years; (#2) the Boogs have now played five Pathetic Ten games and have allowed more than sixty points in four of the five; (#3) against U$C, which was playing its (albeit 4- and 5-star recruit) scrubs much of the game, the Palouse Pussies amassed an amazing four first downs, 116 total yards and were an unlucky 1-13 on third downs; and (my personal favorite, #4) the itty-bitty puddy-tats never – as in, not one f*cking time – crossed midfield. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that happening before. Good God…
QUACKS TAKE THE WEEK OFF
Relieved of the pressure of an actual game, the Quackers put their webbed feet up on the coffee table and spent most of the week playing Grand Theft Auto IV on the plasma screens in their hoity-toity locker room. A handful of the players complained that the game’s theft scenes were unrealistic and the assault and rape sequences simply couldn’t compare with the visceral thrill of their real life experiences, but most enjoyed it. Others used the time off to catch up on their studies. Popular classes included: Career Options 101: Your Future Pumping Gas; Financial Management 251: Leveraging Complimentary Tickets into Big Bucks; Phys Ed 358: The Wheaton Interception Nanosecond By Nanosecond, and, of course, the ever-popular Phys Ed 172: Introduction to Billiards.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Other than the “fun” festivities in The Evergreen State, who really cares what the f*ck went on elsewhere in the Pathetic Ten? No one? Thought so. But the MMQB, always the pleasant, service-minded scribe, will provide the following quick updates for his loyal (aka, delusional and deeply disturbed) readers. The (f)UCLA Ruins nipped the Stunnedford Tree, 23-20 on a TD pass from Kevin “Landing” Craft to Cory Harkey “The Herald Angels Sing” with 10 seconds remaining. Following the game, Ruin coach Slicky Ricky Sweatervest crowed, “It’s always a thrill to outsmart these guys; they think they’re so brilliant, but I am the true Jedi master.” Norm Chow, who had previously talked Ricky out of benching Craft, immediately began working on his resume. Meanwhile, in Tucson, the Mildcats improved to 5-2 with a 42-27 win over the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. QB Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and freshman RB Keola Antolin (a name that requires no nickname) led a furious Mildcat in the third quarter, as the Mildcats scored 28 points and overcame a 10-point half-time deficit. Stoop(id)s now has his team at 5-2, and a sixth win and bowl eligibility seem inevitable with five games left and Washington State still on the schedule. In fact, the Mildcats are a one-point, last-minute loss to Stunnedford and an unforgivable and inexplicable loss to a bad New Mexico team from being undefeated. Of course that will probably all change with U$C coming to town next week. Still, with things apparently on the rebound – at least temporarily – in Tucson, it leaves only Ty-One-On Willing-But-Not-Able-Ham on the Pathetic10 coaching hot-seat. Buns a little toasted there, Ty?
BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS, SMALL COLLEGE DIVISION…
Two teams, opposite directions. The U-Pay-Us Logs battled the mighty Whitworth Pirates to a 7-7 stand-off at the half in the Pine Bowl before being nipped 28-0 in the second half. Meanwhile, the cheating bastards of Willamette (CBW) improved to 7-0 with a 45-16 shellacking of the PLUtes in Parkland. The Bare Pussies are now 7-0, averaging 42 points per game, and ranked in the top 20 of Division III. (Of course, a ranking in D-3 is about as impressive as being the best-looking female weightlifter in Bulgaria, but that’s beside the point.) You better not be reading your press clippings, boys, because if you somehow get past Linfield, there is going to be a snarlin’ pack of nasty Loggers just waiting to chop you down a notch or two…
QUICK HITTERS
Apparently You Don’t Need To Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Normally, when you’re trying a winning FG in the waning moments and it gets blocked, you’re stuck. But not Akron, where Andy “The Holder” Hildreth snatched up the ball and ran for a first down to set up the winning TD against Eastern Michigan. This set up an even more rare occurrence: a holder getting laid. ***** Really Don’t Need These Stinkin’ Badgers – Wisconsin lost to Iowa 38-16 to fall to 0-4 in the Big Ten Plus One for the first time since 1996. Surprisingly, sales of brauts and beer remains unaffected. ***** BCS Busters Busted – Proving the MMQB correct once again (see MMQB, week #2), B-Y-Who went down, and I do mean d-o-w-n, to Texas Christian, 32-7. As the Polygamists learned, religious conflicts are never pretty… ***** The Price Isn’t Right – After battling Tulsa to a 28-28 first quarter tie, Mike Price’s UTEP team ran out of steam and were outscored 49-7 the rest of the way. This was more than a Miner problem…. *****Cowboy Up! – Oklahoma State improved to 7-0 with an impressive 34-6 victory over Baylor. Yes, this is the same Bear team that destroyed Wazzu – so, what’s your point? **** Buyer’s Remorse – Anybody else think that Michigan is a little worried about Richie Rich Rodriguez after the Wolverines wasted a 17-7 lead in falling 46-17 to Penn State? If they’d only shopped at Nordstrom, they could get their money back.
AND IN CLOSING…
As the Oklahoma Sooners got back on track with a victory over Kansas, Clay Bennett once again had that acquisitional gleam in his eye. This week he is rumored to have approached displaced and disgraced Clemson coach Tommy Bowden with an offer to buy Howard’s Rock, the inspirational monument that marks the Tigers’ entrance to Death Valley. “Not sure what I’d do with the damned thing, but it sure as shootin’ would make a helluva door stop,” Bennett remarked. “Plus I’ve had pretty good success approaching disgruntled guys looking to cash in on their way out the door.”
That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS. Go Mountaineers!
