Monday Morning Quarterback

Looming deadlines will require this week’s edition to be kind of a down-and-dirty MMQB. What’s that you say, all MMQB’s are dirty? You know me so well…

These days, even the MMQB is not immune to the temptation to hop up on the little political soap-box and share a few, well-chosen and passionately delivered words with anyone stupid enough to pay attention to his opinions. In a few weeks, Washington voters will mark their ballots on a variety of important races and issues, including Initiative 1000, the so-called “Death With Dignity” measure. The crack MMQB has extensively researched the arguments for and against this proposal and ultimately has determined that it is worthy of our support. Here’s why: without I-1000, we’ll never be able to euthanize the football programs of the state’s two research universities.

POOCHES NARROWLY AVOID SIXTH LOSS OF THE SEASON

Don’t laugh; if ever there were a team that could lose to B-Y-E, then as sure as the AFLACs will be trotting out a new uniform variation that looks like last night’s pizza on the way out of your system, that team resides in the Evergreen State. But for the second time in three weeks, the Pooches emerged unscathed. Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that this pleasant trend will continue with a bunch of snarlin’ Barkrats headed to the Most Beautiful Stadium in America this coming weekend.

BOOGS BACK ON TRACK WITH BARKRAT BEAT-DOWN

You just knew that the hot streak couldn’t last. Last week, the Men o’ Paws (sound it out), came within a mere 25 points of securing their first Pathetic-10 victory of the season. But after venturing into the buck-toothed hell that is Cornvalley, the Pussies of the Palouse once again find themselves licking their wounds and hocking up hairballs. Counting Saturday’s 66-13 gnawing by the Barkrats, our favorite feeble felines find themselves having been outscored by a mere 223-33 in four conference games. This week, an increasingly desperate Paul “Big Bad” Wulff suffered through the indignity of sending out a campus-wide casting call for undiscovered quarterbacking talent. (Do you think the Boogs might just be kicking themselves a little bit for having had Central Washington’s Mike Reilly on campus a few years back and not offering him a scholie? All the 6′3″ Reilly has done is throw for 100 TD passes, including at least one in 41 straight games, an NCAA record. He’ll get a look from the NFL come draft-time.) Meanwhile, after conducting his own version of the draft and successfully pulling a former HS quarterback from the rigors of the intramural league, Wulff has now turned his attention to shoring up other areas of pressing need. And God knows he has more pressing needs than a epileptic Chinese laundry owner. MMQB operatives, who routinely go the extra mile to secure the inside scoop for our loyal readers, dove into a dumpster behind Martin Stadium and pulled out what appear to be hand-written notes of another unconventional try-out. It seems that Wulff plans to bring in one Brandy Whine, a veteran performer at the Spokane Déjà vu, whose ability to kick her leg completely over her head has won her the punting job. She apparently was a referral from former Wazzu coach Mike Price. Remember, you read it here first.

QUACKS ROLL UP WELCOME MAT FOR NEUHEISEL … AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM WITH IT

The University of Zero’s #1 villain, the man they love to hate down in Anarchy Central, came riding into The Concrete Bunker in all his powder blue glory Saturday night. You might recall that the last time he visited the sidelines of Swooshdom, Cowboy Cody Pickett, Reggie Williams and the rest of the Beloved Purple and Gold were busy hanging a 42-14 butt-kickin’ on the boys in the Klingon pajamas. (There will be a slight pause whilst the MMQB basks in the memory…) But this time, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest didn’t have those powerful Mutts of Montlake backing him up. Instead, he and his outmanned (f)UCLA Ruins limped onto the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record to do battle with the Ladies of the Knight and nearly 60,000 of their closest friends. No doubt they were greeted by new special feature videos on the Concrete Bunker’s big screen. Since the infamous Neuheisel puka-a-rama video drew an official reprimand from Touchdown Tommy Hansen and the Pathetic 10 office – read: “I’ll give you this slight tap on the wrist and don’t you scamps do that again, you big sillies, wink wink wink” – one has to wonder what special features were trotted out this year. Rick’s photo strategically inserted into film of defecating animals? Archival footage of Adolph Hitler speeches with Rick’s face superimposed over the Fuhrer’s? A new “Whizzer of Westwood” feature? You never know in the bastion of bad taste and bad sportsmanship that is Duckville. Anyway, on to the game itself, which was surprisingly competitive. In fact, it pretty much came down to a single blown call which, not surprisingly, went the way of the boys in black and green. (Hey, it’s not like Uncle Phil got to where he is by just tossing his money around without getting something in return, now is it?) Trailing by a mere touchdown in the third quarter and firmly in possession of the momentum, the Ruins called for an onside kick that caught the AFLACs completely web-footed. The ball bounced very close to the sideline before the Ruins recovered, setting up a seemingly inevitable tying TD drive. But what’s this? Fist-pumpus abortus! As in, not so fast, my ursine friends! You have to remember that this is Anarchy Central, where good calls go to die and rule #1 is that every onside kick ends up in the home team’s hands (see Oklahoma, 2006). In this case, the video replay official ruled that the ball had “broken the plane” of the sideline (despite never having actually gone out of bounds) and therefore it was awarded – as in GIVEN, a f*cking GIFT – to the Slug-eaters. Game, set, match. Instead of (f)UCLA enjoying a short field to a tying score, the Mallards enjoyed great field position and went on to extend their lead. The Ruins never recovered. The Fowls never trailed. And the Pathetic 10 continues to employ officials whose day job is to serve as models in the “Before” column in Lasik surgery ads. What a f*cking joke!

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Ho-hum … U$C blanked ASU 28-zip. While their offense was relatively impotent, committing five turnovers, the Condom defense was its usual impregnable self. So to speak. As a result, the Stun Devils were shut out for the first time since 2004, and have now scored just 44 points in 4 straight losses. That’s quite a dry spell, and we all know how much Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson just f*ckin’ hates dry spells. Meanwhile, Stunnedford stunned the ‘Zona Mildcats 24-23 on a last second TD run by Toby Gerhart “And Soul.” It was a nice present for coach Jim Harbaugh, whose wife presented him with a new baby daughter earlier in the week. Unfortunately, Larry Farina was passing through Palo Alto and immediately flagged the ebullient young coach for excessive celebration.

LIKE SO MANY THINGS THIS SEASON, THIS AIN’T GOING RIGHT AT ALL…

The Great Northwest is dotted with some truly great small universities. One of them continues to attract impressive and engaged scholars who compete valiantly on the gridiron and in other athletic arenas. The other school is Willamette. U-Pay-Us fell short at Menlo, 35-28, while the Scourge of Salem were busy kicking the holy sh*t out of Lewis and Clark, 76-10. Loyal MMQB readers may recall that LC dropped football a few seasons back – they may want to revisit their decision to reinstate the program…or at least schedule Wazzu.

QUICK HITTERS

He’s Old, But He’s Not Dead – JoPa and the Nittany Lions destroyed the Wisconsin We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’- Badgers, 48-7 Saturday night. The toughest decision for the octogenarian coach was whether to coach from the sidelines or the box. “My leg still hurts, so I should have been up in the box,” JoPa said following the game. “But I’ll be damned if I was gonna risk missing any of their band’s drunken sex antics.” ***** From the Penthouse to the Outhouse – After starting the season 5-0 for the first time in something like 60 years, Vandy was held to 107 yards of total offense and lost to Mississippi Stae 17-14. Back to being the Commodes. ***** First His Presidential Bid, Now This – After a 26-14 loss at the paws of the Georgia Bulldawgs, Phil Fulmer (who you never see with Fred Thompson – think about it) and the Vols are 0-3 in SEC play for the first time in 20 years. Trust me, Phil, it gets easier every f*ckin’ year… ***** Big Trouble in Big House – Michigan lost Toledo 13-10. It was Big Blue’s first-ever loss to a MAC team. And this wasn’t even a good MAC team. The Rockets came into the game 1-4, and were allowing nearly 36 points per game. I don’t think this is what the fans had in mind when Richie Rich Rodriguez promised to “make history” in Ann Arbor. These days, he’s got to be about as nervous as virgin at Caligula’s wienie roast. ***** Offense is Highly Over-rated – Illinois succumbed to Minnesota, 27-20 despite gaining more than 500 yards of total offense. Meanwhile, THE Ohio State University defeated Purdon’t 16-3, despite scoring exactly zero offensive touchdowns. Oh well, when you play in an 11-team conference called the Big Ten, you can’t expect things to add up.

SPECIAL HS FOOTBALL UPDATE

One of the MMQB’s special correspondents reports that Portland’s Central Catholic HS roared to a 30-0 first-quarter lead against the outmanned youngsters of Sandy last week. Always the sportsman, the Central Catholic head coach eased off the accelerator when it was clear the game could get badly out of hand. One of his assistant coaches suggested that it might be time to let some of “Gallucci’s guys” play in the second quarter, but the coach wasn’t sure that would be prudent. Instead, he grabbed three flautists, two drum majorettes, and six cheerleaders; got them padded up and sent them into the game mid-way through the second quarter. At the half, the score remained 30-0. So in the third quarter, he went into the stands and recruited eleven visiting Special Olympians and let them play the remainder of the third quarter and start the fourth. Still, Sandy was unable to score. Finally, with roughly six minutes remaining, the head man relented to the growing pressure of the crowd chanting “Gallucci, Gallucci, Gallucci” (it is, after all, a Catholic high school, and they’ve all seen “Rudy” like 14,000 times). The final: 38-9.

AND IN CLOSING…

In the wake of his beloved Sooners’ loss to Texas in the Red River Shoot-out, a disconsolate Clay Bennett found nothing that he really wanted to pillage this week. He did make an offer to purchase UT mascot Bevo, “drag his mangy ass back to Norman, and BBQ up the m*therf*cker,” but his heart clearly wasn’t in it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! McTavish O’Fishlivet