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You have got to admire the man’s stoicism. You really do. After all, his team is imploding into a steaming pile of dung with jock straps, and yet he soldiers on. He remains focused on the task at hand. He continues to bravely soldier on. Think I’m talking about Tyrone Willingham? F*ck that! I’m talking about your humble narrator, your favorite font of football philosophy, your artist of alliteration, that’s right, your very own MMQB. Even as I begin typing this week’s missive, I am listening to “The Concert for Bangladesh,” and Ringo Starr is belting out, “It Don’t Come Easy.” God, don’t I know it!
F*CK PETA, JUST KILL THEM NOW …
in “Bookends,” the great Paul Simon so insightfully penned the line “Preserve your memories; they’re all that’s left of you.” And for any devoted fan of the Montlake Mutts, that statement is tragically accurate. Take a walk down Memory Lane with me, my droogies, down that winding road back to a much sunnier day, back before Tinker Hatfield’s bastardization of the Beloved Purple and Gold, back before the unholy marriage of Barb “Benson and” Hedges and Slicky Ricky Sweatervest emasculated the program, even back to a day before the thermonuclear fruit basket undid the premiere football program of the Pacific Northwest. (Oh, and for all you Quackerbackers out there complaining that the MMQB continues pathetically living in the past, blow it out your ass!) The year was 1991, my friends, and our pooches were busy dismantling every team that stood in their way. On offense, we featured two future NFL QBs, two future NFL tight ends, a split end whose receiving numbers matched or bettered those of the Heisman Trophy winner, a line where every starter played in the NFL and a running back corps so deep that Napolean Kauffman was third string, for Chrissakes. And that was our weaker side of the ball. The defense was anchored by a beast who garnered more Heisman votes than any pure defensive player ever, defensive backs who could run like gazelles and hit like Sherman tanks (now we have players who run like tanks and hit like gazelles, but that’s another story…), and eight linebackers who were so f*cking good that when a rival coach was asked to name the best linebacker in the Pac-10, his answer was simply “any one at Washington.” Fast forward to 2008. I know it’s not pleasant to do so, but it has to be done. Bear with me, as for once I do have a point. And that point is, my friends, that the BP&G have come full-circle. Where once we enjoyed an embarrassment of riches, we are now rich in embarrassments. Feel free to select your favorite cringe-with-embarrassment fact this particular Sh*t Parade. On defense, you might be most sickened by the fact that they continue to allow over 40 points per game, or give up (a more appropriate term has never been coined) 7.2 yards per play (my God, why hast thou forsaken me?) and nearly 500 yards per game, or that it took five f*cking games to record their first sack of the season. On offense, it could be that they are producing at roughly half the rate of a year ago, that our young receivers continue to drop passes, or that it’s a 6-5 and pick-’em whether the team will hold onto the ball long enough to set up a bad punt or simply hand the ball directly to the opposition via turnover first. For you football fundamentalists out there, perhaps the thing that brings that tasty little blob of vomit into your mouth is when both our lines are better at back-pedaling than our defensive backs or that our tacklers slide off ball-carriers like hot butter off a f*ckin’ ear of hot corn. Or maybe you want to simply consider Saturday night’s Boner in ‘Zona, in which the Mutts made Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong look like Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Joe Namath all rolled into one. (On the bright side, they held him under 500 passing yards, which they failed to do last season…) After letting the Mildcats – remember we are not talking about U$C or Oklahoma here, we’re talking the Ari-f*ckin’-zona Mildcats – run roughshod over them, the Fleabags now sport the longest D-1 losing streak in the nation. And there’s no end in sight, my friends. This learned observer can reach no other conclusion than the sad fact that were it not for the unique ability of their cross-state rivals to repeatedly slam their own jimmies in the door jamb, this would unquestionably be the worst f*ckin’ team in D-1 football. Shudder.
BEND OVER, LITTLE DUCKIES; HERE COME THE CONDOMS
The swoosh-addled mole in the sports department at The Seattle Times continues unabated. Someone buried deep within the bowels of Fairview Fannie found it “Noteworthy” to report that, “While USC holds a 36-16-2 record in its series against Oregon, the Ducks have won five of the last eight and six of the last 10.” This is the kind of starved-for-attention little brother, look-at-me, look-at-me, let’s-pick-a-stat-that-makes- us-look-important crap that makes me want to puke every time I see that f*ckin’ University of Zero logo. Who the f*ck cares if U-Ho is a full game over .500 for their last 10 games against U$C (especially since nine of them were probably played in the Concrete Bunker)? Blow it out your ass, you slug-eating piece of duck sh*t. Of course, my guess, is that this poor deluded soul won’t be quoting too many stats after seeing his or her beloved Fouls get well and truly bitch-slapped by the big, bad Toejams. Things started off well enough for the Ladies of the Knight, resplendent in their marshmallow-and-silver uniforms, as they zoomed out to a surprising 10-3 lead. But then, oops, U$C woke up, decided it wasn’t about to get beat by both teams from the Gaspumper State, and hit the accelerator. When the feathers settled, the home team had scored 41 unanswered points, including 10 in the last 40 seconds of the first half. We haven’t seen that kind of blitzkrieg since 1939. (Or since “Mudbone” was QBing the Seaturkeys…) The vaunted Quacker running backs waddled for a mere 1.5 yards per carry while nine separate Condom receivers (now doesn’t make an interesting visual?) shredded the AFLAC secondary for 443 passing yards. After the game, the always upbeat Mikey Bawlalotti maintained that his team wasn’t really defeated, but had just run out of time for the 54th time in his career.
KITTIES KEEP PACE WITH DAWGS
On the bright side, for the first time in a Pathetic-10 conference game this season, the Palouse Pussies held their opponents under 63 points. So they’ve got that going for them. Of course, on the not-so-bright side (for you glass-half-empty types), they still managed to lose by 25 … to a team quarterbacked by a refuge from the (f)UCLA fraternity flag-football league. Of course, Ruin head coach Slicky Ricky Sweatervest is a master motivator who helped his team end a three-game skid by “circling the wagons, peeling back the onion, going back to the drawing board, starting from scratch, accentuating the positive, eliminating the negative, and oops there goes another rubber tree plant.” People are beginning to worry that Neuheisel’s lungs were ruined by too much fresh air during his tenures in Boulder and Seattle and that he is having a strange, strange reaction now that he’s back in the smog of LA.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Thursday giveth and Thursday taketh away. One Thursday night, the Barkrats are celebrating a remarkable upset of U$C. The next Thursday, they’re falling to the Utes (cue “My Cousin Vinnie:” “The two utes…” “The two what?”) 31-28. And with that victory, the Mountain West is now 6-1 against the Pathetic10 this season. The MMQB has said it before and he’ll say it again, Touchdown Tommy Hanson must be so proud. Meanwhile in the annual Pretension Bowl, the Stunneford Cardinal was nipped by the Notre Shame Bar-Fighting Irish, 28-21. It was a rare match up of teams whose nicknames do not end in the letter S. (Didn’t find that interesting? Blow it out your ass!) Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys are now 4-1, which has cut sales of rosary beads by roughly 32 percent nationwide. Meanwhile, the Arizona State Stun Devils were upended by a suddenly rejuvenated Nate Longshore and the Fighting Tedheads of Cal, 24-14. After the game, Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson was asked about the fact that his team has now lost three straight. He replied, “Straight? No, I’ll take mine with just a touch of soda, thanks…”
SPEAKING OF TEAMS THE HUSKIES MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO BEAT…
Willy’s Armpit improved to 5-0 with a 32-23 victory over Whitworth. BFD. Take your 5-0 record and blow that out your ass, too! Meanwhile, the vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us had the week off to focus on the books and lick their wounds after last week’s 7-60 Homecoming debacle against Wisconsin-Whitewater. (Note to athletic directors everywhere: if you’re looking to maximize alumni excitement and support, best not to schedule the defending national champions for Homecoming. Just a thought…)
TALK ABOUT YOUR COLOR AND PAGEANTRY
The Ohio State University’s 20-17 victory over Wisconsin’s We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’- Badgers was packed with nail-biting drama to the bitter end. But the game still lacked a certain atmosphere. Oh, the smell of brauts and brew was think at Camp Randall, as usual. But it turns out the entire Wisconsin band was suspended pending a university investigation into rampant alcohol abuse and overt sexual behavior among its 300+ members (no pun intended.) Allegations include reports of seminude band members dancing suggestively and female band members being forced to kiss other women “Flautist Gone Wild”-style in order to be allowed to enter bathrooms on a bus. “This one time, at band camp…”
QUICK HITTERS
Cyclones Blow It In Second Half — Iowa State built a 20-0 halftime lead before losing 35-33 to Kansas. Care to inspect Ty Willingham’s cell-phone bill for any untimely calls to Ames? *****Straight, No Chaser – Missouri beat Nebraska 52-17. It was the Tigers’ in Lincoln for the first time in 30 years. Need I say more? *****Out With the Old Streak, In With The New – Duke’s one-game ACC winning streak is over after Saturday’s 27-0 whitewashing at the hands of Georgia Tech. On the bright side, Tech scientists have now confirmed that earth has not spun off its axis. ***** Round And Round We Go – Last week, Virginia lost by 28 to the aforementioned Dukies. This week they blanked Maryland 31-0. That’s the same Turtle team that beat both California and Clemson. My brain hurts… *****Big Trouble in the Big House – Richie Rich Rodriguez has got to be feeling a little fanny fire now that his Wolverines are 2-3 following a 45-20 home loss to Illinois. After the game, Illini Ron Zook reportedly told Rodriguez, “take it from me; you might want to avoid the internet for the next few days!” ***** What Have You Done For Me Lately? – Surprisingly enough, in their first game after being featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, Ol’ Miss lost to South Carolina 31-24. It’s enough to make their coach a Nutt. (OK, I admit that one’s lame. Don’t like it? Blow it out your ass!) *****How The Mighty Have Fallen – Florida State defeated Miami 41-39. But most of the country missed what sounded like a good game, because neither team was ranked in the top 25 for the first time in … well, forever …. *****Fancy Passing – Texas Tech QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell tossed six TD’s in the Red Raiders’ victory over Kansas State. Asked after the game what he thought of his performance, Harrell simple said, “it was so good, I just wanted s’more.” ***** Perspective Is A Wonderful Thing – Despite a lethargic performance, Alabama nipped Kentucky 17-14. The loss brought Rich “Babbling” Brooks’ record with the Mildcats to 29-36, or a 0.446 winning percentage. Coincidentally enough, that is exactly the winning percentage Babbling compiled in Eugene, which prompted the Anarchists to name their field in his honor. Somehow, I doubt that the same honor will be bestowed in Lexington…
AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett today announced that he had purchased the contract of Chief Osceola, the Florida State mascot who plants a burning spear at midfield before the kick-off of each Seminole home game. Bennett said he hopes to adopt the tradition for his new Oklahoma Thunder NBA franchise. When asked whether the fire might not damage the mid-court hardwood, the brilliant oil man said, “Uh … gee … now there’s a question … but … gee … well … see, I told you we need a new arena.”
Blow it out your ass!
McTavish O’Fishlivet
