Monday Morning Quarterback

MY BOYS ARE ON A FREAKIN’ ROLL!!!

Let’s hear it for the Appalachian State Mountaineers, whose never-say-die spirit lead to their fifth straight victory Saturday, an important 26-14 come-from-behind victory over Furman. Yes, I admit that we might have had a little problem stopping Tersoo Uhaa (talk about a name that sounds like a social disease: “oh, stay away from him, Madge; he has a raging case of the tersoo uhaa!”). The elusive Paladin rambled for 99 yards and two TDs, but the Mountaineers were able to counter with the ever-steady “Georgio” Armanti Edwards, who came through with 186 yards passing and two TDs. Bring on Wofford!

SO BYE-BYE MR. LOSE-ALL-OUR-GAMES TY —

In the words of one Richard Milhaus Nixon, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a candidate for the head coaching job of the University of Washington football team, those lovable Mutts of Montlake, the Beloved Purple and Gold, celebrated in song and story, #1 in your hearts and, unfortunately, #119 in your program. If offered the position of head coach, I will flee to Canada. If hired, I will fight extradition. Rumor has it that the U-Dub athletic office has already received 432 fax transmissions regarding the job. Unfortunately, they’re all from D-1 head coaches, coordinators, and NFL assistances, respectfully begging to join the MMQB in the “Oh Hell, No” pile. However (and remember that you heard it here first), MMQB sources do report that a little-know high school assistant coach from the greater Portland area has emerged as the leading candidate at this early juncture. Beyond the months of rampant (and often delusional) speculation that will mark the next in our seemingly endless series of rebuilding projects, the MMQB is sad to report that he is finding it extremely hard to muster much enthusiasm for the rest of the season. As long as we have the Human Postage Stamp leading the team, we should expect nothing more than yet another mail-it-in performance every Saturday. The Rumpled Publisher and I must be about two Pro V’s short of a full sleeve, because we both were stupid enough to make the trek to the MBSiA late Saturday afternoon to watch the Pooches square off against Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys. Therefore, I did not have an opportunity to watch the TV broadcast, as I have long since abandoned my early 90’s habit of recording every minute of every U-Dub game for ritual replaying at later dates. (That reminds me; it’s been at least a year since I’ve seen the “All I Saw Was Purple” U$C game of 1990 or even the Whammy in Miami from 1994. But I digress … anything to avoid thinking about this year’s edition.) So where was I? Oh yeah, TV. Just wondering, was there any chance that ESPN apologized to the national TV audience for exposing them to that dreck? Maybe a warning that the images on the screen were not fit for young children? I mean, the entire nation gets its panties in the bunch when Janet Jackson flashes a tit for a nanosecond during the Super Bowl halftime hoo-hah, but no one is looking at the damage prolonged exposure to this football team could be inflicting on the youth of ‘Merica? I didn’t think I personally could get any lower than the agony of a home loss to Nevada during the Gilby regime. But I’m beginning to think of those as the good old days. Through three-and-a-half quarters, the vaunted offense of Timmy “8 Inches and a Cloud of Field Turf” Lappano had netted us 55 yards. That’s right, sports fans, fifty-f*cking-five f*cking yards. 22 yards in the first quarter – couldn’t possibly get any worse, could it? Wrong-o, Pigskin Breath! 16 yards in the second. Well, it’s got to get better after the world-famous Willingham halftime adjustments, right? Guess again, oh Sage Chronicler of Color and Pageantry! 13 yards in the third. And so it goes… I hate to say it, but that kind of offensive juggernaut is enough to give the MMQB flashbacks to his own storied career under center. I don’t believe that we entered the Rudy end of the field until well into that final stanza and I’m pretty sure that the only reason we scored was that the Bead Rubbers inserted Sister Mary Kate, Sister Mary Catherine, Sister Mary Alice, and Sister Mary Mary into the defensive backfield for our last series. We were so f*cking bad that we got an illegal substitution penalty on the first play of the second half. (An accomplishment that can only be topped by last week’s delay-of-game on the first play of the game … after a bye week. I mean, if you have two weeks and still can’t get the play in…) On defense, well, we are not … good. Our tackling has slipped right past pathetic into comedic territory. We forced a grand total of zero punts. The one time the Micks lined up to punt, our team was so shocked that they barely noticed the guy running past them with the fake for 30 or 40 yards. (Though my personal favorite may have been the time we had our punt return team on the field when Notre Shame was clearly going for it on fourth down. On the bright side, the guy who was 50 yards downfield probably would have had as good a chance as any other defender to tackle the ball carrier, eventually, if our crack coaching staff hadn’t wised up to what 60,000 or so fans noticed right away…) At this point, every time I think of U-Dub football, I have flashbacks to “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Our team used to be a little like Randall Patrick McMurphy – maybe a little wild, but a helluva lot of fun to watch. Then in came “Touchdown” Tommy Hansen, doing his best Nurse Cratchett impersonation, and with the help and encouragement of the rest of our Pathetic 10 brethren, ol’ Tommy ensured that our entire program was well and truly lobotomized. So we’re left there, laying listless on the cold, white sheets like a dead carp that’s washed up on the beach and just continues to smell worse and worse as the weeks drag by. All we need now is to have the chief sneak quietly into our room and place a big f*cking pillow firmly over our face and put us out of our misery. Next up, without salvation, we have U$C … COUGS LET THE SPOTLIGHT OF SUCKAGE SHINE EXCLUSIVELY ON THE MUTTS In good news for the long-suffering fans of the Fighting Fur-balls of the Palouse, the Pussies did not fall victim to another Pac-10 drubbing on Saturday. Instead, the team took the time off to organize a flag football game against the Pull-my-finger-man chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. The bad news is that they still lost 53-24, primarily due to their inability to contain Ethel “Crazy Hips” Cunningham, an unusually spry octogenarian FB who rambled for 177 yards and four TDs for the Patrioettes. . They did, however, manage to keep their QB healthy through the entire game and hold the DAR under 60 points, so they’ve got that going for them.

QUACKS TAKE THE WEEK OFF

Long-time readers may recall that I am no fan of Dennis Erickson. I believe that he is an NCAA violation just waiting to happen. I believe that he recruits athletes with little regard to whether or not they can spell their own names, much less participate in college-level classes. His players generally have less trouble avoiding tacklers than they do the long arm of the law, and as often as not are not appropriate representatives of an institution ostensibly dedicated to the pursuit of higher learning. So frankly, I’m never overly upset when the lawless one gets taken down a few notches, as seems to be happening this season. The Stun Devils, once thought to be potential challengers to the Condom domination of the conference and nearly certain contenders for a bowl slot, are in the midst of a five-game losing streak and this coming week must visit Denny’s former stomping grounds (and I’m not talking about the Crow’s Nest Tavern in Everett). Nope, next week it’s a return engagement in Cornvalley where Denny’s gonna get grand-slammed. Relief appears nowhere in sight … no wait, there it is the following week, when they play the Dawgs. Anyway, despite my ill-will toward Mr. Erickson, really careful readers may have also picked up on a few subtle hints I have dropped from time to time regarding my mild distaste for the University of Oregon football team and its coach, one Mr. Michael Bellotti. So the MMQB is quite frankly (RIP, Don Heinrich) not really sure how to feel about the fact that the AFLACs have once again waddled their foul feathered asses over the line of good sportsmanship, not when the victims of this particular transgression was none other than Mr. Erickson. I mean, really, when your two most recent rent-a-backs “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson and LeGarrette Blount “Instrument” have already run for two TDs apiece and you are enjoying a 47-13 lead in the other guy’s stadium, do you really need to have your QB throw a 62 yard TD pass with 5:27 left to play just so you can push the lead to 41 points? What is it with you Mikey? What deep psychological need isn’t getting filled? I mean, really, didn’t Mommy stuff her boobie in your mouth enough when you a wee little webfoot to make you feel all loved?

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Slicky Ricky Sweatervest seems right on track to bring his brand of football to Westwood. The Ruins gave up 24 straight points in the fourth quarter as the Fighting Tedheads of Cal broke open a close game and pulled away for 41-20 victory. Following the game, the always-eloquent (f)UCLA coach sang the praises (thankfully without his usual guitar accompaniment) of his team’s passing defense. It’s true that the Ruin D held Cal to a mere 153 yards passing yards, after having allowed a miserly 93 yards passing total in its last two games, a victory over Stunnedford and a loss to the AFLACs. Of course, stats can be a little misleading, as those three teams really saw no reason to pass the ball much, averaging as they did more than 300 yards on the ground apiece. And, true to the Sweatervest heritage, his team was an equal opportunity participant in the line-of-scrimmage domination department, as Cal held the Ruins to 16 net rushing yards. All things considered, the Ruins really turned in a well-rounded performance on offense (4 interceptions), defense (giving up a 60 yard TD pass on a flea flicker) and special teams (picking up 22 yards on a fake punt on fourth-and-23). Yep, the MMQB may not be an expert, but I’m guessing the football monopoly in Los Angeles is going to be good and healthy for a few weeks yet. Speaking of which, U$C posted a 17-10 victory over a ‘Zona team still reeling from the Lute Olsen retirement announcement earlier in the week. (Not that ‘Zona is a basketball school or anything…) Anyway, about the only thing of note in the game was that the Mildcats were flagged for exactly one penalty for 15 yards. What’s the big deal? Well, it comes one week after they had absolutely no penalties in their win over Cal. For those of you not keeping track (and really, why would you when you have the MMQB to do it for you?) that is the first time a Pathetic Ten team has gone penalty-free in a game since 2001, and only the 8th time since 1959! I would suggest that the Mildcat accomplishment is something to really celebrate, but then again you can’t risk drawing one of those pesky excessive celebration flags…

REMEMBER, PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL…

The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us continue to work their season-long strategy to perfection, setting up Willamette for an upset of Biblical proportions. On Saturday, the Logs bowed 14-7 to their bitter cross-town rivals, the PLUtes. Meanwhile, Willy’s Armpit was busy dispatching their own bitter rivals, the Linfield Who-The-Hell-Knows-And-Who- The-Hell-Cares, 52-28. The victory sent the Beartats to an impressive 8-0 and a #11 national ranking in the D-3 polls. Any chance they’d like to take on the Pooches?

QUICK HITTERS

What a Difference a Week Makes – Last week, Mizzu was getting Ned Beatty’d by Texas, finding themselves down 35-zip at the half before eventually surrendering 591 yards and 56 points to the Donghorns. This week, they were administering the … well, you know … as they blasted Coach Moonbeam and the Buffs 58-0. Which Tiger team will show up for next week’s clash with Baylor? ***** And They Say We Don’t Play Defense in the Pac 10? – Oklahoma and K-State battled to a 28-28 tie … with eight minutes to go in the second quarter. The score at the half was 55-28 and the teams ended up with more than 1000 yards of total offense in the 58-35 Sooner victory. Of course, that means the teams only combined for 10 second-half points. Could be good coaching adjustments at the half … or the kids were too f*ckin’ tired to walk by then. ***** Not a Good Day To Be From Kansas – While the K-State Mildcats were busy getting dusted by the Sooners, the Jayhawks were busy getting rock-blocked by Texas Tech. The Red Raiders ran up 556 yards of offense and scored 63 points on the afternoon. Dorothy? Dorothy? Where are you, Dorothy? *****Thank You, JoPa! – Penn State nipped THE Ohio State University 13-6. College football fans across the land can now sleep easy, as the loss, coupled with the F*ckeyes’ earlier lambasting at the hands of U$C, should eliminate tOSU from any consideration for another national title game debacle. ***** Impressive Feet Lead to Impressive Feat – Knowshon Moreno quieted the notoriously rowdy LSU crowd with an amazing 68 yard run that gave Georgia a three TD lead in the third quarter on their way to a 52-38 victory. Even more impressively, the Bulldog victory temporarily quieted Les “Mouth of the South” Miles, though he was later heard arguing that a Tiger team with two losses still should be able to get into the BCS title game. ***** The Nutt House – Ol’ Miss held off a late Arkansas rally to give coach Houston Nutt a victory over his former team. The issue wasn’t settled until the very end, as the Hogs scored a late TD and recovered an onside kick before the Rebel defense finally held. Essentially, Nutt allowed the Razorback faithful to get their hopes up before squashing them – a process not unlike his entire 10-year career in Fayatteville. ***** Didn’t Want To Peak Too Soon – Virginia beat No. 21 Georgia Tech 24-17 and is now in first place in the ACC’s Coastal Division, despite having lost three of their first four games by an average of 36 points. The school may want to adopt Lazarus as its new mascot. ***** Fancy Passing or Just a Passing Fancy? — The normal grind-it-out Rutgers offense was replaced by a veritable flying circus Saturday, as QB Mike Teel threw for six TDs in the Scarlet Knights’ 54-34 upset of #17 Pitt. Poor kid’s arm hasn’t gotten a work-out like that since the first time he stole a Victoria’s Secret calendar. ***** Urban Legend – Coach Meyer and the Master Gators seem to be clicking on all cylinders as Saturday’s 63-5 victory over Kentucky indicates. After the game, a defiant Mildcat coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks, dismissed media inquiries about his Florida counterpart, declaring, “Let Mr. Big-Shot come back to me when he has a field named after him!” *****OK, Let’s Do the Same Thing, But With Gophers – Much to Carl Spackler’s dismay, those pesky Gophers continue to run wild, as Minnesota topped Purdon’t, 17-6. Joe Tiller obviously just wants to get this last season over. Hey, Joe, how about inviting Ty over to compare notes?

A SPECIAL TIP OF THE MMQB’S WEATHERED 1991 NATIONAL TITLE HAT GOES TO ……

young Nick “Give ‘Em The” Finger, a senior RB at Millbrook (NY) HS, who scored a state-record 58 points in his team’s 66-57 victory over Tri-Valley. He ran 40 times for 485 yards, 8 TDs and five two-point conversions. The real question is, who scored the other 8 points? No, check that, the real question is whether the kid likes Seattle. I don’t care whether scouting services consider him D-1 material. Only about six guys on our roster are…

AND IN CLOSING…

Clay Bennett rushed to defend embattled and soon-to-be-former (not to be confused with form-to be sooner) UW football coach Ty Willingham, saying that “I know what makes a winner, and I know a real winner when I see one.” In related news, the Oklahoma City Thunder have rushed to a 1-6 record in pre-season NBA action.

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the BP&G 0-6, a big fat f*ckin doughnut-for-six, one of only two winless I-A teams, and proud owners of the nation’s longest losing streak … well, times are nothing if not desperate. So the MMQB hereby declares that he is throwing his loyalties toward a new team for the remainder of the 2008 season. I hereby declare that I will be cheering on Appalachian State to I-AA glory. For those of you not keeping track, after Saturday’s thrilling 37-36 comeback victory over Georgia Southern, the Mountaineers are 5-2 (with one of the losses coming to LSU), but are 3-0 and tied for second place in the always-tough Southern Conference. We (notice how quickly I adopt the possessive tense?) have big games coming up on three of the next four Saturdays against Furman, Wofford, and conference leading Elon. Anybody know where I can get an Appy State hat?

MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN THE BP&G?
Sometimes, watching college football can be very educational. For instance, the MMQB had never really understood that whole Butterfly Effect thing before. (Stay with me, sports fans, this will all make sense eventually – I hope.) The Butterfly Effect is used in chaos theory to describe how small variations in the initial conditions of a dynamic system may produce large variations in the long-term behavior of the system. The phrase refers to the idea that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings could create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately delay, accelerate, alter the path or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. (Got that?) So, what the f*ck has this got to do with the color and pageantry of college football, you ask? Here’s what: if a little over two decades ago, a certain Mr. Rodgers had just stopped on the way home from work a couple times and picked up a box of Durex ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms, then maybe, just maybe, the miserable Mutts of Montlake wouldn’t have been outscored 28-13 by the fruits of his loins. Maybe, just maybe, the poor, pathetic Pooches would have been competitive, rather than losing their fifth straight to the Barkrats, 34-13. Nah, this is where that whole chaos theory sh*t breaks down. Any team that allows over 400 yards of total offense to every team that waltzes onto the field with it, any team that connects on less than half of its field goal attempts, any team that week after week gives up four turnovers, any team that can’t tackle a nun in a wheelchair, any team that has sacked the opposing QB three times … not in a quarter, not in a half, not in a game, but in the entire f*ckin’ season – well, can you see where I’m going with this? – well, that team isn’t going to win much of anything. Except maybe the Apple Cup. Meanwhile, Go Mountaineers!

PUSSIES FIND 69 NOT SO DIVINE AFTER GETTING LICKED BY CONDOMS
No matter how f*cked up things are at Montlake, they can’t hold a candle to the thermo-nuclear dung heap Coach “Big Bad” Wulff and company dealing with in Pull-my-finger-man. It does the MMQB’s grizzled heart good simply to compile a short list of examples of the Hairball Hackers’ ineptitude: (#1) the 69-0 whitewashing was the worst defeat in the history of a program that has seen more than its share of really, really bad football over the years; (#2) the Boogs have now played five Pathetic Ten games and have allowed more than sixty points in four of the five; (#3) against U$C, which was playing its (albeit 4- and 5-star recruit) scrubs much of the game, the Palouse Pussies amassed an amazing four first downs, 116 total yards and were an unlucky 1-13 on third downs; and (my personal favorite, #4) the itty-bitty puddy-tats never – as in, not one f*cking time – crossed midfield. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that happening before. Good God…

QUACKS TAKE THE WEEK OFF
Relieved of the pressure of an actual game, the Quackers put their webbed feet up on the coffee table and spent most of the week playing Grand Theft Auto IV on the plasma screens in their hoity-toity locker room. A handful of the players complained that the game’s theft scenes were unrealistic and the assault and rape sequences simply couldn’t compare with the visceral thrill of their real life experiences, but most enjoyed it. Others used the time off to catch up on their studies. Popular classes included: Career Options 101: Your Future Pumping Gas; Financial Management 251: Leveraging Complimentary Tickets into Big Bucks; Phys Ed 358: The Wheaton Interception Nanosecond By Nanosecond, and, of course, the ever-popular Phys Ed 172: Introduction to Billiards.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Other than the “fun” festivities in The Evergreen State, who really cares what the f*ck went on elsewhere in the Pathetic Ten? No one? Thought so. But the MMQB, always the pleasant, service-minded scribe, will provide the following quick updates for his loyal (aka, delusional and deeply disturbed) readers. The (f)UCLA Ruins nipped the Stunnedford Tree, 23-20 on a TD pass from Kevin “Landing” Craft to Cory Harkey “The Herald Angels Sing” with 10 seconds remaining. Following the game, Ruin coach Slicky Ricky Sweatervest crowed, “It’s always a thrill to outsmart these guys; they think they’re so brilliant, but I am the true Jedi master.” Norm Chow, who had previously talked Ricky out of benching Craft, immediately began working on his resume. Meanwhile, in Tucson, the Mildcats improved to 5-2 with a 42-27 win over the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. QB Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and freshman RB Keola Antolin (a name that requires no nickname) led a furious Mildcat in the third quarter, as the Mildcats scored 28 points and overcame a 10-point half-time deficit. Stoop(id)s now has his team at 5-2, and a sixth win and bowl eligibility seem inevitable with five games left and Washington State still on the schedule. In fact, the Mildcats are a one-point, last-minute loss to Stunnedford and an unforgivable and inexplicable loss to a bad New Mexico team from being undefeated. Of course that will probably all change with U$C coming to town next week. Still, with things apparently on the rebound – at least temporarily – in Tucson, it leaves only Ty-One-On Willing-But-Not-Able-Ham on the Pathetic10 coaching hot-seat. Buns a little toasted there, Ty?

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS, SMALL COLLEGE DIVISION…
Two teams, opposite directions. The U-Pay-Us Logs battled the mighty Whitworth Pirates to a 7-7 stand-off at the half in the Pine Bowl before being nipped 28-0 in the second half. Meanwhile, the cheating bastards of Willamette (CBW) improved to 7-0 with a 45-16 shellacking of the PLUtes in Parkland. The Bare Pussies are now 7-0, averaging 42 points per game, and ranked in the top 20 of Division III. (Of course, a ranking in D-3 is about as impressive as being the best-looking female weightlifter in Bulgaria, but that’s beside the point.) You better not be reading your press clippings, boys, because if you somehow get past Linfield, there is going to be a snarlin’ pack of nasty Loggers just waiting to chop you down a notch or two…

QUICK HITTERS
Apparently You Don’t Need To Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Normally, when you’re trying a winning FG in the waning moments and it gets blocked, you’re stuck. But not Akron, where Andy “The Holder” Hildreth snatched up the ball and ran for a first down to set up the winning TD against Eastern Michigan. This set up an even more rare occurrence: a holder getting laid. ***** Really Don’t Need These Stinkin’ Badgers – Wisconsin lost to Iowa 38-16 to fall to 0-4 in the Big Ten Plus One for the first time since 1996. Surprisingly, sales of brauts and beer remains unaffected. ***** BCS Busters Busted – Proving the MMQB correct once again (see MMQB, week #2), B-Y-Who went down, and I do mean d-o-w-n, to Texas Christian, 32-7. As the Polygamists learned, religious conflicts are never pretty… ***** The Price Isn’t Right – After battling Tulsa to a 28-28 first quarter tie, Mike Price’s UTEP team ran out of steam and were outscored 49-7 the rest of the way. This was more than a Miner problem…. *****Cowboy Up! – Oklahoma State improved to 7-0 with an impressive 34-6 victory over Baylor. Yes, this is the same Bear team that destroyed Wazzu – so, what’s your point? **** Buyer’s Remorse – Anybody else think that Michigan is a little worried about Richie Rich Rodriguez after the Wolverines wasted a 17-7 lead in falling 46-17 to Penn State? If they’d only shopped at Nordstrom, they could get their money back.

AND IN CLOSING…
As the Oklahoma Sooners got back on track with a victory over Kansas, Clay Bennett once again had that acquisitional gleam in his eye. This week he is rumored to have approached displaced and disgraced Clemson coach Tommy Bowden with an offer to buy Howard’s Rock, the inspirational monument that marks the Tigers’ entrance to Death Valley. “Not sure what I’d do with the damned thing, but it sure as shootin’ would make a helluva door stop,” Bennett remarked. “Plus I’ve had pretty good success approaching disgruntled guys looking to cash in on their way out the door.”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS. Go Mountaineers!

You have got to admire the man’s stoicism. You really do. After all, his team is imploding into a steaming pile of dung with jock straps, and yet he soldiers on. He remains focused on the task at hand. He continues to bravely soldier on. Think I’m talking about Tyrone Willingham? F*ck that! I’m talking about your humble narrator, your favorite font of football philosophy, your artist of alliteration, that’s right, your very own MMQB. Even as I begin typing this week’s missive, I am listening to “The Concert for Bangladesh,” and Ringo Starr is belting out, “It Don’t Come Easy.” God, don’t I know it!

F*CK PETA, JUST KILL THEM NOW …
in “Bookends,” the great Paul Simon so insightfully penned the line “Preserve your memories; they’re all that’s left of you.” And for any devoted fan of the Montlake Mutts, that statement is tragically accurate. Take a walk down Memory Lane with me, my droogies, down that winding road back to a much sunnier day, back before Tinker Hatfield’s bastardization of the Beloved Purple and Gold, back before the unholy marriage of Barb “Benson and” Hedges and Slicky Ricky Sweatervest emasculated the program, even back to a day before the thermonuclear fruit basket undid the premiere football program of the Pacific Northwest. (Oh, and for all you Quackerbackers out there complaining that the MMQB continues pathetically living in the past, blow it out your ass!) The year was 1991, my friends, and our pooches were busy dismantling every team that stood in their way. On offense, we featured two future NFL QBs, two future NFL tight ends, a split end whose receiving numbers matched or bettered those of the Heisman Trophy winner, a line where every starter played in the NFL and a running back corps so deep that Napolean Kauffman was third string, for Chrissakes. And that was our weaker side of the ball. The defense was anchored by a beast who garnered more Heisman votes than any pure defensive player ever, defensive backs who could run like gazelles and hit like Sherman tanks (now we have players who run like tanks and hit like gazelles, but that’s another story…), and eight linebackers who were so f*cking good that when a rival coach was asked to name the best linebacker in the Pac-10, his answer was simply “any one at Washington.” Fast forward to 2008. I know it’s not pleasant to do so, but it has to be done. Bear with me, as for once I do have a point. And that point is, my friends, that the BP&G have come full-circle. Where once we enjoyed an embarrassment of riches, we are now rich in embarrassments. Feel free to select your favorite cringe-with-embarrassment fact this particular Sh*t Parade. On defense, you might be most sickened by the fact that they continue to allow over 40 points per game, or give up (a more appropriate term has never been coined) 7.2 yards per play (my God, why hast thou forsaken me?) and nearly 500 yards per game, or that it took five f*cking games to record their first sack of the season. On offense, it could be that they are producing at roughly half the rate of a year ago, that our young receivers continue to drop passes, or that it’s a 6-5 and pick-’em whether the team will hold onto the ball long enough to set up a bad punt or simply hand the ball directly to the opposition via turnover first. For you football fundamentalists out there, perhaps the thing that brings that tasty little blob of vomit into your mouth is when both our lines are better at back-pedaling than our defensive backs or that our tacklers slide off ball-carriers like hot butter off a f*ckin’ ear of hot corn. Or maybe you want to simply consider Saturday night’s Boner in ‘Zona, in which the Mutts made Willie Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong look like Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Joe Namath all rolled into one. (On the bright side, they held him under 500 passing yards, which they failed to do last season…) After letting the Mildcats – remember we are not talking about U$C or Oklahoma here, we’re talking the Ari-f*ckin’-zona Mildcats – run roughshod over them, the Fleabags now sport the longest D-1 losing streak in the nation. And there’s no end in sight, my friends. This learned observer can reach no other conclusion than the sad fact that were it not for the unique ability of their cross-state rivals to repeatedly slam their own jimmies in the door jamb, this would unquestionably be the worst f*ckin’ team in D-1 football. Shudder.

BEND OVER, LITTLE DUCKIES; HERE COME THE CONDOMS
The swoosh-addled mole in the sports department at The Seattle Times continues unabated. Someone buried deep within the bowels of Fairview Fannie found it “Noteworthy” to report that, “While USC holds a 36-16-2 record in its series against Oregon, the Ducks have won five of the last eight and six of the last 10.” This is the kind of starved-for-attention little brother, look-at-me, look-at-me, let’s-pick-a-stat-that-makes- us-look-important crap that makes me want to puke every time I see that f*ckin’ University of Zero logo. Who the f*ck cares if U-Ho is a full game over .500 for their last 10 games against U$C (especially since nine of them were probably played in the Concrete Bunker)? Blow it out your ass, you slug-eating piece of duck sh*t. Of course, my guess, is that this poor deluded soul won’t be quoting too many stats after seeing his or her beloved Fouls get well and truly bitch-slapped by the big, bad Toejams. Things started off well enough for the Ladies of the Knight, resplendent in their marshmallow-and-silver uniforms, as they zoomed out to a surprising 10-3 lead. But then, oops, U$C woke up, decided it wasn’t about to get beat by both teams from the Gaspumper State, and hit the accelerator. When the feathers settled, the home team had scored 41 unanswered points, including 10 in the last 40 seconds of the first half. We haven’t seen that kind of blitzkrieg since 1939. (Or since “Mudbone” was QBing the Seaturkeys…) The vaunted Quacker running backs waddled for a mere 1.5 yards per carry while nine separate Condom receivers (now doesn’t make an interesting visual?) shredded the AFLAC secondary for 443 passing yards. After the game, the always upbeat Mikey Bawlalotti maintained that his team wasn’t really defeated, but had just run out of time for the 54th time in his career.

KITTIES KEEP PACE WITH DAWGS
On the bright side, for the first time in a Pathetic-10 conference game this season, the Palouse Pussies held their opponents under 63 points. So they’ve got that going for them. Of course, on the not-so-bright side (for you glass-half-empty types), they still managed to lose by 25 … to a team quarterbacked by a refuge from the (f)UCLA fraternity flag-football league. Of course, Ruin head coach Slicky Ricky Sweatervest is a master motivator who helped his team end a three-game skid by “circling the wagons, peeling back the onion, going back to the drawing board, starting from scratch, accentuating the positive, eliminating the negative, and oops there goes another rubber tree plant.” People are beginning to worry that Neuheisel’s lungs were ruined by too much fresh air during his tenures in Boulder and Seattle and that he is having a strange, strange reaction now that he’s back in the smog of LA.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Thursday giveth and Thursday taketh away. One Thursday night, the Barkrats are celebrating a remarkable upset of U$C. The next Thursday, they’re falling to the Utes (cue “My Cousin Vinnie:” “The two utes…” “The two what?”) 31-28. And with that victory, the Mountain West is now 6-1 against the Pathetic10 this season. The MMQB has said it before and he’ll say it again, Touchdown Tommy Hanson must be so proud. Meanwhile in the annual Pretension Bowl, the Stunneford Cardinal was nipped by the Notre Shame Bar-Fighting Irish, 28-21. It was a rare match up of teams whose nicknames do not end in the letter S. (Didn’t find that interesting? Blow it out your ass!) Fat Charlie and the Weis Guys are now 4-1, which has cut sales of rosary beads by roughly 32 percent nationwide. Meanwhile, the Arizona State Stun Devils were upended by a suddenly rejuvenated Nate Longshore and the Fighting Tedheads of Cal, 24-14. After the game, Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson was asked about the fact that his team has now lost three straight. He replied, “Straight? No, I’ll take mine with just a touch of soda, thanks…”

SPEAKING OF TEAMS THE HUSKIES MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO BEAT…
Willy’s Armpit improved to 5-0 with a 32-23 victory over Whitworth. BFD. Take your 5-0 record and blow that out your ass, too! Meanwhile, the vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us had the week off to focus on the books and lick their wounds after last week’s 7-60 Homecoming debacle against Wisconsin-Whitewater. (Note to athletic directors everywhere: if you’re looking to maximize alumni excitement and support, best not to schedule the defending national champions for Homecoming. Just a thought…)

TALK ABOUT YOUR COLOR AND PAGEANTRY
The Ohio State University’s 20-17 victory over Wisconsin’s We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’- Badgers was packed with nail-biting drama to the bitter end. But the game still lacked a certain atmosphere. Oh, the smell of brauts and brew was think at Camp Randall, as usual. But it turns out the entire Wisconsin band was suspended pending a university investigation into rampant alcohol abuse and overt sexual behavior among its 300+ members (no pun intended.) Allegations include reports of seminude band members dancing suggestively and female band members being forced to kiss other women “Flautist Gone Wild”-style in order to be allowed to enter bathrooms on a bus. “This one time, at band camp…”

QUICK HITTERS
Cyclones Blow It In Second Half — Iowa State built a 20-0 halftime lead before losing 35-33 to Kansas. Care to inspect Ty Willingham’s cell-phone bill for any untimely calls to Ames? *****Straight, No Chaser – Missouri beat Nebraska 52-17. It was the Tigers’ in Lincoln for the first time in 30 years. Need I say more? *****Out With the Old Streak, In With The New – Duke’s one-game ACC winning streak is over after Saturday’s 27-0 whitewashing at the hands of Georgia Tech. On the bright side, Tech scientists have now confirmed that earth has not spun off its axis. ***** Round And Round We Go – Last week, Virginia lost by 28 to the aforementioned Dukies. This week they blanked Maryland 31-0. That’s the same Turtle team that beat both California and Clemson. My brain hurts… *****Big Trouble in the Big House – Richie Rich Rodriguez has got to be feeling a little fanny fire now that his Wolverines are 2-3 following a 45-20 home loss to Illinois. After the game, Illini Ron Zook reportedly told Rodriguez, “take it from me; you might want to avoid the internet for the next few days!” ***** What Have You Done For Me Lately? – Surprisingly enough, in their first game after being featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, Ol’ Miss lost to South Carolina 31-24. It’s enough to make their coach a Nutt. (OK, I admit that one’s lame. Don’t like it? Blow it out your ass!) *****How The Mighty Have Fallen – Florida State defeated Miami 41-39. But most of the country missed what sounded like a good game, because neither team was ranked in the top 25 for the first time in … well, forever …. *****Fancy Passing – Texas Tech QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell tossed six TD’s in the Red Raiders’ victory over Kansas State. Asked after the game what he thought of his performance, Harrell simple said, “it was so good, I just wanted s’more.” ***** Perspective Is A Wonderful Thing – Despite a lethargic performance, Alabama nipped Kentucky 17-14. The loss brought Rich “Babbling” Brooks’ record with the Mildcats to 29-36, or a 0.446 winning percentage. Coincidentally enough, that is exactly the winning percentage Babbling compiled in Eugene, which prompted the Anarchists to name their field in his honor. Somehow, I doubt that the same honor will be bestowed in Lexington…

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett today announced that he had purchased the contract of Chief Osceola, the Florida State mascot who plants a burning spear at midfield before the kick-off of each Seminole home game. Bennett said he hopes to adopt the tradition for his new Oklahoma Thunder NBA franchise. When asked whether the fire might not damage the mid-court hardwood, the brilliant oil man said, “Uh … gee … now there’s a question … but … gee … well … see, I told you we need a new arena.”

Blow it out your ass!
McTavish O’Fishlivet