Monday Morning Quarterback

Kill me.  Kill me now.  No, really.   I simply can’t take much more of this
sh*t.  First we are treated to the indignity of a baton twirler performing
to a marching band belting out Jimi Hendrix.  It conjured up a mental
picture of Janis Joplin and Jerry Garcia trying to console a despondent Jimi
in the Great Fillmore in the Sky.  I’m pretty sure that the whole
performance is an unmistakable sign of the impending apocalypse.  Not unlike
watching the BP&G attempting to play a game that they used to play pretty
well.  Lately, watching Husky football has been about as much fun as sliding
down a 50 foot razor blade, using your balls for brakes, and landing in a
vat of iodine.  So you would be doing me a real favor if you would just put
me out of my misery right this f*cking instant…

DAWGS GET BACK ON LOSING TRACK AGAINST LELAND J. STANFORD, JR. UNIVERSITY
In an effort to emphasize its academic mission, the University of Washington
has announced a new program to inscribe classic quotes on all University
structures.  The first facility to receive the new treatment will be The
Most Beautiful Stadium in America, which will appropriately receive this
quote from Dante’s Divine Comedy: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”
Of course, there are a lot fewer people entering the stadium than their used
to be.  And who can blame them?  The MMQB, always the trendsetter, has
already abandoned hope without even being told to do so.  One must wonder
whether or not Ty-One-On Willing-But-Not-Able-Ham, the former Stanford and
soon-to-be-former U-Dub coach, the man with all the job security of a WAMU
loan processor, is beginning to feel the same way.  After playing three very
strong teams, the Mutts were squaring off against the SAT jockeys from
Stunnedford, a team that by all rights should never boast superior athletes
to U-Dub.  And yet, once again, the BP&G (Bitches, Punks and Girls?) got
shoved around in the trenches.  A team that had been averaging 270 yards of
total offense rang up 470 on Ed “Don’t-a-ask” Donatel’s defense.
Apparently, their idea of mixing up the defense is to break up the monotony
of long, grinding drives by giving up long, fast touchdown plays.  And don’t
even get me started on the injuries.  First, we finally have a tailback that
looks like he could find his ass in a phone booth, and after rushing for a
career high 70 yards in less than a quarter, he gets hurt.  Always the
over-achiever, he’s not content to screw up one ankle, he has to f*ck up
both of them.  Of course, that injury pales in comparison to the Savior,
just trying to help his teammates make a play, busting his thumb, an injury
that could well be season-ending.  And so, as the scriptures say, a child
shall lead them.  In this case, the child is redshirt freshman Ronnie Fouch.
And while he showed a strong arm in keeping the pooches in the game, this
learned and impartial observer believes it fair to say that this team is
definitely all fouched up.

INEPTITUDE RUN AMOK IN THE EVERGREEN STATE
OK, this game did not go at all the way the MMQB wanted it to go.  But then
again, it’s probably unrealistic to expect both teams to be wiped off the
face of the earth by a freak accident in one of the infamous WAZZU cow-fart
methane studies.  Given that, Saturday’s 63-14 outcome was probably to be
expected, despite the fact that the visitors from Anarchy Central were
starting former ninth-stringer Jeremiah “I Once Knew  A Hooker Named Minnie”
Masoli at QB.  Anxious to prove that they can out-inept their cross-state
rivals, the Pullman Puddytats got off to another of their patented
stumble-out-of-the-blocks starts with two fumbles in the game’s first three
minutes.  As a result, the AFLAC’s first two scoring drives each took less
than a minute to reach the end zone, and the halftime tally was 35-7.  For
those of you keeping track – and what a sick and twisted bunch you would be
if you were – the boys from Pull-my-finger-man have now been outscored
108-13 in the first halves of their last three home games against Pathetic
Ten foes.  But hey, these Boogs don’t know the meaning of the word “quit.”
(Of course, being Boogs, there are a lot of words of which they don’t know
the meaning…).  Anyway, Coach “Big Bad” Wulff’s troops battled to the
bitter end, and as a result they were only outscored 28-7 in the second
half.  So they’ve got that going for them.  Nice improvement – something to
build on, you might say.  Still, it’s hard to find much to be encouraged
about when you give up 500+ yards yet again, and when Quack backs LaGarrette
Blount “Instrument” and “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson combined for 186 yards and 6
TDs on 25 carries.  For the math-challenged among the MMQB readership, let
me just point out that these figures translate into almost 7.5 yards per
carry and a touchdown roughly once out of every four touches.  You cannot be
happy about that if you’re a Coug fan.  Of course, there’s not much you can
be happy about if you’re a Coug fan.  Except maybe for the fact that there
are only about eight more games…

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The entire state of Arizona took the week off.  Not that anyone would
notice.  Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal destroyed the Colorado
State Ewes, 42-7.  The Cal cause was helped immeasurably by one defensive
and two special team TDs.  Bryan Nnabuife scored on a blocked punt return
and Syd-’Quan Thompson returned a punt 73 yards for a score.  Both players
were immediately ordered to requisition new names.  Meanwhile, the (f)UCLA
Ruins dropped their third straight, this time 36-31 to the Fresno State
Bullpups.  The visitors from Raisin Central held on to their slim lead by
imposing their will on the Ruins with a 17-play, 88-yard drive that ran out
the clock.  When you consider this outcome, Gentle Reader, remember that one
of those teams is led by an unassuming, no-nonsense, tough-as-nails coach,
the football equivalent of a steely-eyed missile man.  The other is led by
Slicky Ricky Sweatervest.  And that, as they say, is that.  Oh, and don’t
forget that the Barkrats gnawed the Condoms 27-21 Thursday night.
Naturally, the national media has already concluded that U$C was either
over-rated, looking past the Beavos, or both.  (Contrast that to the
reaction following the Ole Miss upset of Florida in the Swamp.  As soon as
the Rebs stopped Tebow short on fourth-and-less-than-a-yard, the pundits
were concluding that it simply demonstrated the brutality of the SEC.)

OUCH, SMALL COLLEGE DIVISION
The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us squared off against
Wisconsin-Whitewater, the defending Division III national champions, at
venerable Baker Stadium Saturday.  The perfect scenario for a monumental
upset, no?  No.  The results were not pretty.  Let’s just leave it at that.
OK, if you really must know, it was 60-7.  There, are you satisfied?  In
other important action, Willy’s Armpit improved to 4-0 with a 44-0 victory
over LaVerne.  No word on how they did against Shirley.

QUICK HITTERS
Peaked Too Soon  – The Wisconsin “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers roared
to a 19-0 halftime lead, only to see Richie Rich Rodriguez and the
Wolverines come storming back to take a 27-25 victory in the Big House.
Rumor has it that the Wisconsin cause was undone when Ty-One-On Willingham
got his UW’s confused and addressed the Badger players at halftime. *****
Oh, He’s Good – Missouri enjoyed a week off.  Yet, amazingly, QB Chase
Daniel still hit on 32 of 37 passes for 468 yards and five TD’s!
*****Cougars Actually Win – Houston defeated East Carolina 41-24.  Guess
those BCS-buster plans were a little premature.  *****Orange See Red -
Pittsburg was down early, but in the nick of time, they realized that they
were playing Syracuse and pulled out a 34-24 victory.  As a result, Syracuse
coach Greg Robinson is now 2-20 in Big Least conference games and plans on
sharing resume writing services with certain unnamed coaches in the 206 area
code. *****Hook ‘Em Horns! – Texas destroyed Arkansas 52-10, spoiling the
debut of coach Bobby “Carpetbagger” Petrino in the rivalry.  Before Donghorn
get too excited, they should remember that Petrino will be moving on soon
anyway.  ***** Tradition is the Hallmark of College Football – Kansas State
for years has feasted on a steady diet of Little Sisters of the Poor
non-conference foes.  This year, someone forgot to explain the proper role
to La-Lafayette, and the Mildcats were given all they could handle in a
45-37 squeaker.  Time to look for some bigger patsies – may I suggest the
Evergreen State?  ***** Streaking No More! – After years of futility, Duke
dusted Virginia 31-3 and snapped, nay shattered, their 25-game conference
losing streak.  Can you imagine losing 25 straight conference games?  Sadly,
it’s getting easier every week … *****Can’t Spell “Sucks” With “The U” -
Miami was feeling kind of full of itself until former coach Butch Davis and
his back-up QB engineered a 28-24 victory over the Canes.  Apparently, some
of their players misunderstood the goal of getting “the swagger” back.  But
they were damned good at getting the stagger back.  *****  What A Difference
A Month Makes – A few weeks ago, Clemson was thought to be a national title
contender.  But that was before an opening week loss to ‘Bama and this
week’s 20-17 loss to Maryland.  Yes, that’s the same Maryland team that
began the season with a loss to Middle Tennessee State.  ***** Owls Off
Endangered Species List – Behind QB Chase Clement’s five TD passes and two
TD runs, Rice beat North Texas 77-10.  It was the most points scored by an
Owl team since 1916.  Woot! ***** Okie Dokey for the Hokies – Virginia Tech
beat Nebraska 35-30.  The rumor going around Lincoln is that the vaunted
black shirt defense has been replaced by a black skirt defense.  ***** Good
Home Cooking – St. John’s University of Minnesota upended Gustavus Adolphus
31-17.  All you SJU fans will be proud to know that the Johnnies are 63-16-2
in their 81 Homecoming games and have not lost one since 1994.  You see,
that’s why you want, no you NEED the MMQB; you simply cannot get that kind
of critical information just anywhere.

AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett today announced that he hopes to purchase the hedges from the
University of Georgia’s stadium in Athens and move them to Oklahoma City.
When asked about the motivation for this plan, Bennett said that he simply
enjoys uprooting traditions.

That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet