Monday Morning Quarterback

In “American Pie,” Don McLean declared that Buddy Holly’s fatal plane crash was “the day the music died.” In a similar vein, the MMQB believes you can point to one very specific instant as “the second the season died.” It was the precise moment that Larry Farina, that festering boil on the buttocks of college football, decided to toss his flag in the air and dash the BP&G’s hopes for a hard-earned and unexpected upset of B-Y-Who. Football is an emotional game, and that crushing blow seemed to suck all the life out of our boys. The team that took the field Saturday against the Boomer Sooners was listless (and admittedly mostly talentless). For the love of Christ, isn’t it November yet?

DAWGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. SOONERS
The MMQB was supposed to be at this game. The Rumpled Publisher wasn’t going to be able to attend, and his father’s 89th birthday celebration was a command performance. Those things only come along once every 89 years. Of course at this point. It looks like the same might be said for Husky football victories. Then when I failed to recruit someone to join me for the game, I ended up giving the tickets to an acquaintance to use. My guess is that the poor bastard will never speak to me again. Anyway, as I watched the carnage in high definition, the thought that kept popping into my mind, like the lingering aftertaste of a bad burrito, was that “this is the way we used to make other teams look.” The Mutts of Montlake were subjected to a veritable Norman Conquest, players who were bigger, faster, stronger, more intense, better prepared and better coached. Other than that, we were pretty competitive. The MMQB has never been a big fan of all the on-screen graphics like the blue line-of-scrimmage indicator and the yellow first-down line, but in this game they should have superimposed a red line on the screen about five yards into the Pooch backfield on each and every play, because that is where the effective line of scrimmage was. The MMQB hasn’t seen that sort of line domination since a certain fall evening in 1976 when he and his KHS Mildcat teammates waged a valiant struggle against just slightly superior Lewiston Bengals in a 54-0 nail-biter. My body still hurts when I think of it. Sorry, little cul-de-sac trip down Memory Lane there. Anyway, it certainly doesn’t help when your choices at safety are between a true freshman who was a running back until a week ago and a 28-year-old walk-on who’s been playing pro baseball for a decade. Let me ask, and I say this with all due respect and sincerity, how the f*ck did it get to this? Slight pause while the MMQB beats his head against the desk. Let’s face it, when you’re the huge underdawg to a team that by all indicators is going to be vastly superior, you need to play a virtually perfect game. Just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s have a little test on the definition of the word “perfect.” Does it include missing three FG attempts? Does it include three turnovers? Does it include “holding” Okie QB “Sudden” Sam Bradford to a mere 86 percent completion percentage and five TDs in about two-and-a-half quarters? Does it include seven straight TD drives, averaging 66 yards in only 2:12? Well, the MMQB would never presume to speak for you, gentle readers, so I will simply say that not a f*cking one of those facts gets anywhere near my personal definition of “perfect!” Instead, they’re more likely to describe the worst home loss in nearly 80 years. And even more likely to result in a “Help Wanted” poster being hung outside the Tubby Graves Building. On the bright side, the BP&G have a B-Y-E next week, so the chance of another loss is slightly diminished.

AFLACS LOSE ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BOILERMAKERS
I think they do this just to piss me off. It’s this way a couple of times each season – the vaunted athlete-students of the University of Zero fall just far enough behind that you’re thinking they’re about to get the plucking they so richly deserve. And then, their grit and resiliency – not to mention a well-timed text message and wire transfer from Uncle Phil – win the day. In the first half, Purdon’t had multiple opportunities to bury the white-and-green-and-silver- and-yeller visitors from the Gaspumper State. But it didn’t happen. And so the boys from Anarchy Central found a way, despite losing four turnovers and scoring only one offensive TD in regulation, to force the game into overtime. Of course, you can’t blame Joe Tiller. The man is retiring for God’s sake, and he’s got a ranch house in Wyoming he’s got to pay for. Unfortunately for the Ladies of the Knight, QB Justin “Time” Roper injured his left knee and will be out for the next couple weeks. Of course, the schedule naturally once again cooperates as their next game is at home and then they travel to Pull-my-finger-man, where the Wazzu Boogers have so far this season posed all the challenge of a drunken prom queen defending her honor. (See below)

BOOGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME OF POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BAYLOR
For the second straight week, the Wazzu Hairball Hackers were mauled by a pack of Bears. But this time it was lowly Baylor administering the righteous butt-kicking, 45-17. I repeat, Baylor. Bay-f*ckin’-lor. Getting your ass handed to you by Baylor is like having the one of the Olsen twins – the anorexic one – kicking sand in your face. It’s like getting bitch-slapped by Stephen Hawking. The Coug defense (ha ha, no really, that’s what they’re calling it…) allowed Baylor QB Robert “Not To Be Confused With Archie” Griffin to run around, over, and through them for a school-record 217 yards. Of course, when you’ve allowed 817 yards of rushing offense in your last two games, it’s a pretty decent bet that someone is hanging some pretty healthy numbers around your scrawny necks. And yet, Coug fans remain admirably loyal to and optimistic about their alma mater. (Talk about your slow learners, but I guess that pretty much goes without saying…) Boog backers have been waving a Wazzu flag in the background of every ESPN Game Day broadcast since 2002. May the MMQB make a modest suggestion: starting next week, try flying it at half-staff.

THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
This just in: it has been officially determined that the state of Washington has now joined the ranks of Alaska, North Dakota, Vermont and a handful of other states in having no actual D-1 football programs located within its borders.

AND ANOTHER THING
Is anyone else sick and f*cking tired of seeing the Quacks, those slug-eating sons of bitches, getting banner coverage in the Seattle Times sports section? I mean, I realize that the two in-state schools suck sewage, but that doesn’t mean that their readers give a flying f*ck about the fouls. Print something we might possible care about, like celebrity bass fishing or something for Chrissakes. Is it any wonder that, in the words of Ghostbuster Egon Spengler, “print is dead?”

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
What a difference a week makes. Last week, Cal was enjoying its 66-3 cakewalk over the Palouse Pussies and Maryland was busy losing to Middle Tennessee State. This week, the Fighting Tedheads were upended by the Terps 35-27. Fear the turtle! Stunnedford, which had looked fairly impressive in their week one victory over the Barkrats suffered its second straight road defeat, this one a 31-14 mauling at the hands of TCU. Some of the Tree players reported difficulty breathing; turns out they had Frogs in their throats. (Bah-dum-dum. I’ll be here through Thursday. And don’t forget to tip your waitresses.) Both Arizona teams lost. The Stun Devils were upended 23-20 in overtime by UNLV, driving coach Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson to well, have another. And Arizona lost to New Mexico as coach Mike Stoops seems hell-bent on competing with Ty Willing-but-not-able-ham for the conference coaching hot seat award. Meanwhile, the OSU Barkrats knocked the poi out of the visitors from Hawaii, 45-7. You might say they really lei’d one on them. You might, but you probably have more self-control than that. Besides, that’s what you have the MMQB for. Speaking of waxing the visitors, the Condoms destroyed THE Ohio State University F*ckeyes, 35-3. This was an impressive display, my friends. Very impressive. Rumor has it that the NFL is planning to declare U$C an expansion team and thereby remedy their lack of a pro team in the City of Angels. Unfortunately, most of the Toejam players are reluctant to make the move as it would entail a fairly substantial pay cut. When he took over the helm of (f)UCLA, telegenic coach Ricky Sweatervest announced that it might take some time to bring his brand of football to Westwood. But after an impressive victory over Tennessee in their home opener and a bye, the Ruins are clearly way, way, way ahead of schedule. B-Y-Who QB Max “Down The” Hall fired four of his seven TD passes in the first five minutes of the second quarter, an offensive outburst that would make even Sam Bradford a little jealous. The 59-0 whitewashing was the school’s worst loss in 75 years. The Slick One may have declared the U$C monopoly over, but I’m guessing that Pete “Christmas” Carroll still has hotels on Broadway and Park Place, plus all four railroads and both utilities. And with the mighty Ruins racking up a grand total of nine – count ‘em, nine – rushing yards, it’s pretty clear they’re not going to be passing Go anytime soon.

OH AND IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
The dedicated student athletes of U-Pay-Us rang up 34 unanswered points in a stirring 37-7 road victory over the always tough Sagehens of Pamona-Pitzer. You know there’s nothing that really strikes terror into your opponents like a steaming bucket of Kentucky Fried. Similarly, the boys from Willamette exploded for 28 second-half points to defeat California Lutheran. The Bearpuddytats were led by the 113 rushing yards of “Swervin’” Merben Woo. (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo…)

QUICK HITTERS
Won’t Make That Mistake Again – Kansas coach Mark Mangino, who obviously has a weakness for cupcakes, apparently overlooked the fact that his AD had scheduled a non-conference game against a legitimate team. By the time he discovered the mistake, the Jayhawks had lost to South Florida 37-34. Fortunately for the big man, next week Kansas squares off against Sam Houston State, hold the sprinkles. ***** Perfect 10 – Led by Chase Daniels, who threw for a mere 405 yards and 4 touchdowns in a little over two quarters of work, Missouri scored on their first ten possessions and thumped Nevada 69-17. Reports are that the Tigers were inspired by a late night visit from Bo Derek. (Hey, that would inspire the MMQB…) ***** Heels Step All Over Knights -North Carolina trounced Rutgers, 44-12. It was the school’s first victory outside the state of North Carolina since 2002. In fact, things are going so well for the Baby Blue this year that their only real misstep was when the parachutists charged with delivering the game ball for the season opener missed the stadium and instead landed at Duke. That’s not a joke – look it up. Anyway, Butch Davis, I’m just sayin’ … ***** Overpaid Coaches Bowl – Notre Shame took advantage of six Michigan gifts to upend Richie Rich and the Wolverines, 35-17. Fat Charlie Weis tore up his ACL and MCL when one of his own players accidentally knocked him on his XXL ass. ***** Some Prayers Do Get Answered – Buffalo upset the Temple of Doom, 30-28 on a 35-yard Hail Mary pass as time expired. It’s the first time in ten years that the Buffs have been 2-1, and back then they were a I-AA team. ***** Of Course, Not All Prayers Get Answered – Middle Tennessee State staged a valiant comeback bid against Rich “Babbling” Brooks and the Kentucky Mildcats. As the clock ticked down, they completed a 60-yard Hail Mary pass. The bad news is they were 61 yards from pay dirt and the receiver was hauled down by the ankle at the one yard line. On the bright side, they avoided one of those pesky excessive celebration flags… *****And In Baseball Action… — Auburn nipped Mississippi State, 3-2. It was a game that only a defensive coordinator could love. ***** Putting the Ill Back In Illini? – Ron and the Zookers narrowly avoided a crushing upset when they held on to nip Louisiana Lafayette 27-24. The game wasn’t over until they recovered a Ragin’ Cajun onside kick with less than a minute to go. Keep it up, Ron, and the website’s gonna be back…

AND IN CLOSING…
On Saturday, Clay Bennett announced plans to purchase the air raid siren from Husky Stadium and take it with him back to Oklahoma. U-Dub officials were quoted as saying, “hey, we need the cash and it’s not going to get much use this year anyway.”

That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet