Filed under: Uncategorized
Kill me. Kill me now. No, really. I simply can’t take much more of this
sh*t. First we are treated to the indignity of a baton twirler performing
to a marching band belting out Jimi Hendrix. It conjured up a mental
picture of Janis Joplin and Jerry Garcia trying to console a despondent Jimi
in the Great Fillmore in the Sky. I’m pretty sure that the whole
performance is an unmistakable sign of the impending apocalypse. Not unlike
watching the BP&G attempting to play a game that they used to play pretty
well. Lately, watching Husky football has been about as much fun as sliding
down a 50 foot razor blade, using your balls for brakes, and landing in a
vat of iodine. So you would be doing me a real favor if you would just put
me out of my misery right this f*cking instant…
DAWGS GET BACK ON LOSING TRACK AGAINST LELAND J. STANFORD, JR. UNIVERSITY
In an effort to emphasize its academic mission, the University of Washington
has announced a new program to inscribe classic quotes on all University
structures. The first facility to receive the new treatment will be The
Most Beautiful Stadium in America, which will appropriately receive this
quote from Dante’s Divine Comedy: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”
Of course, there are a lot fewer people entering the stadium than their used
to be. And who can blame them? The MMQB, always the trendsetter, has
already abandoned hope without even being told to do so. One must wonder
whether or not Ty-One-On Willing-But-Not-Able-Ham, the former Stanford and
soon-to-be-former U-Dub coach, the man with all the job security of a WAMU
loan processor, is beginning to feel the same way. After playing three very
strong teams, the Mutts were squaring off against the SAT jockeys from
Stunnedford, a team that by all rights should never boast superior athletes
to U-Dub. And yet, once again, the BP&G (Bitches, Punks and Girls?) got
shoved around in the trenches. A team that had been averaging 270 yards of
total offense rang up 470 on Ed “Don’t-a-ask” Donatel’s defense.
Apparently, their idea of mixing up the defense is to break up the monotony
of long, grinding drives by giving up long, fast touchdown plays. And don’t
even get me started on the injuries. First, we finally have a tailback that
looks like he could find his ass in a phone booth, and after rushing for a
career high 70 yards in less than a quarter, he gets hurt. Always the
over-achiever, he’s not content to screw up one ankle, he has to f*ck up
both of them. Of course, that injury pales in comparison to the Savior,
just trying to help his teammates make a play, busting his thumb, an injury
that could well be season-ending. And so, as the scriptures say, a child
shall lead them. In this case, the child is redshirt freshman Ronnie Fouch.
And while he showed a strong arm in keeping the pooches in the game, this
learned and impartial observer believes it fair to say that this team is
definitely all fouched up.
INEPTITUDE RUN AMOK IN THE EVERGREEN STATE
OK, this game did not go at all the way the MMQB wanted it to go. But then
again, it’s probably unrealistic to expect both teams to be wiped off the
face of the earth by a freak accident in one of the infamous WAZZU cow-fart
methane studies. Given that, Saturday’s 63-14 outcome was probably to be
expected, despite the fact that the visitors from Anarchy Central were
starting former ninth-stringer Jeremiah “I Once Knew A Hooker Named Minnie”
Masoli at QB. Anxious to prove that they can out-inept their cross-state
rivals, the Pullman Puddytats got off to another of their patented
stumble-out-of-the-blocks starts with two fumbles in the game’s first three
minutes. As a result, the AFLAC’s first two scoring drives each took less
than a minute to reach the end zone, and the halftime tally was 35-7. For
those of you keeping track – and what a sick and twisted bunch you would be
if you were – the boys from Pull-my-finger-man have now been outscored
108-13 in the first halves of their last three home games against Pathetic
Ten foes. But hey, these Boogs don’t know the meaning of the word “quit.”
(Of course, being Boogs, there are a lot of words of which they don’t know
the meaning…). Anyway, Coach “Big Bad” Wulff’s troops battled to the
bitter end, and as a result they were only outscored 28-7 in the second
half. So they’ve got that going for them. Nice improvement – something to
build on, you might say. Still, it’s hard to find much to be encouraged
about when you give up 500+ yards yet again, and when Quack backs LaGarrette
Blount “Instrument” and “Aunt” Jeremiah Johnson combined for 186 yards and 6
TDs on 25 carries. For the math-challenged among the MMQB readership, let
me just point out that these figures translate into almost 7.5 yards per
carry and a touchdown roughly once out of every four touches. You cannot be
happy about that if you’re a Coug fan. Of course, there’s not much you can
be happy about if you’re a Coug fan. Except maybe for the fact that there
are only about eight more games…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The entire state of Arizona took the week off. Not that anyone would
notice. Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal destroyed the Colorado
State Ewes, 42-7. The Cal cause was helped immeasurably by one defensive
and two special team TDs. Bryan Nnabuife scored on a blocked punt return
and Syd-’Quan Thompson returned a punt 73 yards for a score. Both players
were immediately ordered to requisition new names. Meanwhile, the (f)UCLA
Ruins dropped their third straight, this time 36-31 to the Fresno State
Bullpups. The visitors from Raisin Central held on to their slim lead by
imposing their will on the Ruins with a 17-play, 88-yard drive that ran out
the clock. When you consider this outcome, Gentle Reader, remember that one
of those teams is led by an unassuming, no-nonsense, tough-as-nails coach,
the football equivalent of a steely-eyed missile man. The other is led by
Slicky Ricky Sweatervest. And that, as they say, is that. Oh, and don’t
forget that the Barkrats gnawed the Condoms 27-21 Thursday night.
Naturally, the national media has already concluded that U$C was either
over-rated, looking past the Beavos, or both. (Contrast that to the
reaction following the Ole Miss upset of Florida in the Swamp. As soon as
the Rebs stopped Tebow short on fourth-and-less-than-a-yard, the pundits
were concluding that it simply demonstrated the brutality of the SEC.)
OUCH, SMALL COLLEGE DIVISION
The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us squared off against
Wisconsin-Whitewater, the defending Division III national champions, at
venerable Baker Stadium Saturday. The perfect scenario for a monumental
upset, no? No. The results were not pretty. Let’s just leave it at that.
OK, if you really must know, it was 60-7. There, are you satisfied? In
other important action, Willy’s Armpit improved to 4-0 with a 44-0 victory
over LaVerne. No word on how they did against Shirley.
QUICK HITTERS
Peaked Too Soon – The Wisconsin “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers roared
to a 19-0 halftime lead, only to see Richie Rich Rodriguez and the
Wolverines come storming back to take a 27-25 victory in the Big House.
Rumor has it that the Wisconsin cause was undone when Ty-One-On Willingham
got his UW’s confused and addressed the Badger players at halftime. *****
Oh, He’s Good – Missouri enjoyed a week off. Yet, amazingly, QB Chase
Daniel still hit on 32 of 37 passes for 468 yards and five TD’s!
*****Cougars Actually Win – Houston defeated East Carolina 41-24. Guess
those BCS-buster plans were a little premature. *****Orange See Red -
Pittsburg was down early, but in the nick of time, they realized that they
were playing Syracuse and pulled out a 34-24 victory. As a result, Syracuse
coach Greg Robinson is now 2-20 in Big Least conference games and plans on
sharing resume writing services with certain unnamed coaches in the 206 area
code. *****Hook ‘Em Horns! – Texas destroyed Arkansas 52-10, spoiling the
debut of coach Bobby “Carpetbagger” Petrino in the rivalry. Before Donghorn
get too excited, they should remember that Petrino will be moving on soon
anyway. ***** Tradition is the Hallmark of College Football – Kansas State
for years has feasted on a steady diet of Little Sisters of the Poor
non-conference foes. This year, someone forgot to explain the proper role
to La-Lafayette, and the Mildcats were given all they could handle in a
45-37 squeaker. Time to look for some bigger patsies – may I suggest the
Evergreen State? ***** Streaking No More! – After years of futility, Duke
dusted Virginia 31-3 and snapped, nay shattered, their 25-game conference
losing streak. Can you imagine losing 25 straight conference games? Sadly,
it’s getting easier every week … *****Can’t Spell “Sucks” With “The U” -
Miami was feeling kind of full of itself until former coach Butch Davis and
his back-up QB engineered a 28-24 victory over the Canes. Apparently, some
of their players misunderstood the goal of getting “the swagger” back. But
they were damned good at getting the stagger back. ***** What A Difference
A Month Makes – A few weeks ago, Clemson was thought to be a national title
contender. But that was before an opening week loss to ‘Bama and this
week’s 20-17 loss to Maryland. Yes, that’s the same Maryland team that
began the season with a loss to Middle Tennessee State. ***** Owls Off
Endangered Species List – Behind QB Chase Clement’s five TD passes and two
TD runs, Rice beat North Texas 77-10. It was the most points scored by an
Owl team since 1916. Woot! ***** Okie Dokey for the Hokies – Virginia Tech
beat Nebraska 35-30. The rumor going around Lincoln is that the vaunted
black shirt defense has been replaced by a black skirt defense. ***** Good
Home Cooking – St. John’s University of Minnesota upended Gustavus Adolphus
31-17. All you SJU fans will be proud to know that the Johnnies are 63-16-2
in their 81 Homecoming games and have not lost one since 1994. You see,
that’s why you want, no you NEED the MMQB; you simply cannot get that kind
of critical information just anywhere.
AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett today announced that he hopes to purchase the hedges from the
University of Georgia’s stadium in Athens and move them to Oklahoma City.
When asked about the motivation for this plan, Bennett said that he simply
enjoys uprooting traditions.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’m sorry, Gentle Readers, but this is going to be a fairly truncated
missive this week. I will spare you the sordid details, but the MMQB’s
younger daughter was involved in a serious car accident last week. While
she is fine physically, it has been a pretty traumatic experience for her
and for our family, and the reality is that I’m just damned tired and having
a hard time getting into the true spirit of the MMQB at the moment.
DAWGS CELEBRATE FIRST NON-LOSING WEEKEND OF SEASON AFTER NIPPING B-Y-E
Hey, at this point, we consider it a positive when a weekend goes by without
another L being notched onto Ty-One-On’s bedpost and no players end up in
the hospital or the slammer. Maybe that’s why we have at least three of
these damn things scheduled this season…
BRONCS WIN! BRONCS WIN! BRONCS WIN!
As you may have gathered from some of my references over the years, the MMQB
is something of a student of history. And so it is especially gratifying
when he has the opportunity to comment on history being made. As in, the
Boise State Broncos securing their first-ever regular season road win over a
school from a BCS conference. Ain’t history great? It’s clear that this
year’s AFLAC squad is way ahead of schedule. I mean, normally they wait
until November to swoon (2-6 over the last two seasons). But this year,
with all appropriate respect and apologies to Mikey Bawlalotti, the “games
you hate to remember begin in September.” Yeah, there may be a little
something to the fact that the Ladies of the Knight were trotting out a QB
that until recently had been doing dishes at the Alpha Phi house. But on
the other hand, the Broncs were featuring their own inexperienced, freshman
QB (Prosser WA’s own Kellen Moore) and all he did was throw for 386 yards
and three TDs. Lest you think that this battle on the Field Named For a
Coach With A Career Losing Record was completely devoid of the officiating
shenanigans that mark most visits to the Concrete Bunker, I’ll point out
that the Quackers’ final score in the closing minutes came immediately after
consecutive pass interference penalties (apparently BSU defenders breathed
on the receivers) set the home team up on the 7-yard-line. Alas, there was
no opportunity for the Slugeaters to try their usual 14 onside kicks and
time ran out for Mikey’s minions. On the plus side, Wazzu is up next.
BOOGS PROVE THEY CAN COMPETE AT 1-AA LEVEL
Good news for Boogs: they actually won a game. The bad news: it came
against a fraternity intramural team from Portland State. Oh, and they lost
their top two QBs in the process, although no one can really tell whether
that’s good news or bad.
MEDIA CRITIQUE
Not that the MMQB is paranoid or overly critical or anything, but am I the
only one who has noticed that the AFLAC coverage in the Sunday Seattle Times
was significantly more subdued in the wake of their historic plucking by the
Blue Turfers than it was when they were basking in the glow of victory over
the Boilermakers? I’m just saying…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
In addition to the Montlake Mutts, the Barkrats, Cal and U$C were all idle
on Saturday. The play-every-other-week schedule was especially important
for the Condoms, as some of their players needed the extra time to talk with
the booster buddies after reconfiguring their investment portfolios in the
wake of the turmoil in the financial markets. In actual games, next week’s
Pooch opponents, the Stunnedford Trees, got past San Jose State 23-10. This
accomplishment is roughly akin to outrunning Charlie Weis. And remember,
he’s on crutches. Moving further south, Willy Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong led
the ‘Zona Mildcats past Slicky Ricky and the Ruins, 31-10. (F)UCLA
generated less than 200 yards of total offense, prompting well-respected
coordinator Norm “Puppy” Chow to grouse, “I came back for this sh*t?”
Following the game, the sweater-vested one thanked the fans for sticking
around until the bitter end, noting that it wasn’t much fun to watch. What
he didn’t say but was undoubtedly thinking: ”God help me, I hope the
administration is similarly patient with me or else I’ll need to supplement
my income with a few well-chosen bets…” Finally, in what was billed to be
a tough non-conference test for the Georgia Bulldogs, the Stun Devils caved
27-10. Turns out the biggest challenge of the trip was keeping Uga XII from
dropping a deuce on the sidelines.
SMALL COLLEGES, BIG DRAMA
It’s only two weeks into the small college football season, and already two
juggernauts are building momentum for the classic November 8th showdown in
Salem. The vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us worked overtime in nipping
C-M-S 34-28. For the wine connoisseurs among us, C-M-S in this case does
not refer to the usual blend of cabernet, merlot, and syrah, but instead to
Claremont-Mudd-Scripps. So essentially, the North Warner Warriors had to
defeat three schools Saturday, and their effective record is 4-0. That’s my
story and I’m sticking to it. Their eventual victims … er, opponents …
the Bare Puddytats of Willy’s Armpit, somehow managed to sneak by Southern
Oregon, which recently graduated to actual tackle football from intramural
flag football, in a 31-23 comeback.
QUICK HITTERS
Mama, Don’t Let Your Sons Grow Up To Be Cowboys – Wyoming lost to B-Y-Who
44-0. In the last two weeks, the polygamists have outscored their opponents
103 – zip. And their winning streak is so long that some of their players
were actually under the age of 26 when it began… ***** A Day Late and A TD
Short – One day after International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, East Carolina
lost in OT to N.C. State 30-24. The sound you hear is the national media
jumping off the Pirate bandwagon. ***** Back to Normal for Buffalo – After
Buffalo burst out of the gate 2-1 this season, Missouri popped their bubble
with a routine 42-21 thrashing of the Bulls. Speaking of routine, Chase
Daniel hit 20 consecutive passes on his way to a career-high 439 yards
passing. What’s that coach’s name, again? ***** Back to Normal for Kansas
- One week after their loss to USF, Mangino’s Maniacs rock-block-jay-walked
over Sam Houston State 38-14. Wake me up when their non-conference schedule
is over. ***** What a Difference A Week Makes – THE Ohio State University
overcame a sluggish performance in defeating Troy 28-10. Apparently, the
players began twitching when they heard they had to face the “men of Troy”
again this week. *****Nipping the Communion Wine Again There, Father? – Mike
Golic’s son was one of several Notre Shame players arrested for alcohol
infractions following the team’s 23-7 loss to Michigan State. Apparently,
Fat Charlie’s pledge to change the team culture he inherited from Willingham
is reaching fruition. ***** I Turned Down Miami For This? – Greg Schiano,
once one of the nation’s hottest coaching prospects, has announced that he
won’t suspend his starting QB for taking a swing at a teammate in the waning
moments of the Knights’ 23-21 loss to Navy. Fortunately, like many of his
passes, the QB’s swing didn’t connect. **** Goes Without Saying, I Suppose
- One week after blasting Wazzu 45-17, Baylor lost to U-Conn 31-28. When
asked to describe the outcome of the game, an unidentified player simply
said, “The Huskies are just a helluva lot better than the Cougars.”
AND IN CLOSING…
On Saturday, Clay Bennett continued to rock the sports world by announcing
plans to purchase THE Ohio State University marching band. He immediately
demanded that the bank size be doubled so that the unit could complete a
script Oklahoma. When it was pointed out that his home state lacks any I’s
for a tuba player to dot, Bennett replied, “That’s OK; the band can spell
out Sooners if they like.” Investigative journalists immediately began
researching his SAT scores…
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
In “American Pie,” Don McLean declared that Buddy Holly’s fatal plane crash was “the day the music died.” In a similar vein, the MMQB believes you can point to one very specific instant as “the second the season died.” It was the precise moment that Larry Farina, that festering boil on the buttocks of college football, decided to toss his flag in the air and dash the BP&G’s hopes for a hard-earned and unexpected upset of B-Y-Who. Football is an emotional game, and that crushing blow seemed to suck all the life out of our boys. The team that took the field Saturday against the Boomer Sooners was listless (and admittedly mostly talentless). For the love of Christ, isn’t it November yet?
DAWGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. SOONERS
The MMQB was supposed to be at this game. The Rumpled Publisher wasn’t going to be able to attend, and his father’s 89th birthday celebration was a command performance. Those things only come along once every 89 years. Of course at this point. It looks like the same might be said for Husky football victories. Then when I failed to recruit someone to join me for the game, I ended up giving the tickets to an acquaintance to use. My guess is that the poor bastard will never speak to me again. Anyway, as I watched the carnage in high definition, the thought that kept popping into my mind, like the lingering aftertaste of a bad burrito, was that “this is the way we used to make other teams look.” The Mutts of Montlake were subjected to a veritable Norman Conquest, players who were bigger, faster, stronger, more intense, better prepared and better coached. Other than that, we were pretty competitive. The MMQB has never been a big fan of all the on-screen graphics like the blue line-of-scrimmage indicator and the yellow first-down line, but in this game they should have superimposed a red line on the screen about five yards into the Pooch backfield on each and every play, because that is where the effective line of scrimmage was. The MMQB hasn’t seen that sort of line domination since a certain fall evening in 1976 when he and his KHS Mildcat teammates waged a valiant struggle against just slightly superior Lewiston Bengals in a 54-0 nail-biter. My body still hurts when I think of it. Sorry, little cul-de-sac trip down Memory Lane there. Anyway, it certainly doesn’t help when your choices at safety are between a true freshman who was a running back until a week ago and a 28-year-old walk-on who’s been playing pro baseball for a decade. Let me ask, and I say this with all due respect and sincerity, how the f*ck did it get to this? Slight pause while the MMQB beats his head against the desk. Let’s face it, when you’re the huge underdawg to a team that by all indicators is going to be vastly superior, you need to play a virtually perfect game. Just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s have a little test on the definition of the word “perfect.” Does it include missing three FG attempts? Does it include three turnovers? Does it include “holding” Okie QB “Sudden” Sam Bradford to a mere 86 percent completion percentage and five TDs in about two-and-a-half quarters? Does it include seven straight TD drives, averaging 66 yards in only 2:12? Well, the MMQB would never presume to speak for you, gentle readers, so I will simply say that not a f*cking one of those facts gets anywhere near my personal definition of “perfect!” Instead, they’re more likely to describe the worst home loss in nearly 80 years. And even more likely to result in a “Help Wanted” poster being hung outside the Tubby Graves Building. On the bright side, the BP&G have a B-Y-E next week, so the chance of another loss is slightly diminished.
AFLACS LOSE ALL-IMPORTANT TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BOILERMAKERS
I think they do this just to piss me off. It’s this way a couple of times each season – the vaunted athlete-students of the University of Zero fall just far enough behind that you’re thinking they’re about to get the plucking they so richly deserve. And then, their grit and resiliency – not to mention a well-timed text message and wire transfer from Uncle Phil – win the day. In the first half, Purdon’t had multiple opportunities to bury the white-and-green-and-silver- and-yeller visitors from the Gaspumper State. But it didn’t happen. And so the boys from Anarchy Central found a way, despite losing four turnovers and scoring only one offensive TD in regulation, to force the game into overtime. Of course, you can’t blame Joe Tiller. The man is retiring for God’s sake, and he’s got a ranch house in Wyoming he’s got to pay for. Unfortunately for the Ladies of the Knight, QB Justin “Time” Roper injured his left knee and will be out for the next couple weeks. Of course, the schedule naturally once again cooperates as their next game is at home and then they travel to Pull-my-finger-man, where the Wazzu Boogers have so far this season posed all the challenge of a drunken prom queen defending her honor. (See below)
BOOGS WIN ALL-IMPORTANT TIME OF POSSESSION BATTLE VS. BAYLOR
For the second straight week, the Wazzu Hairball Hackers were mauled by a pack of Bears. But this time it was lowly Baylor administering the righteous butt-kicking, 45-17. I repeat, Baylor. Bay-f*ckin’-lor. Getting your ass handed to you by Baylor is like having the one of the Olsen twins – the anorexic one – kicking sand in your face. It’s like getting bitch-slapped by Stephen Hawking. The Coug defense (ha ha, no really, that’s what they’re calling it…) allowed Baylor QB Robert “Not To Be Confused With Archie” Griffin to run around, over, and through them for a school-record 217 yards. Of course, when you’ve allowed 817 yards of rushing offense in your last two games, it’s a pretty decent bet that someone is hanging some pretty healthy numbers around your scrawny necks. And yet, Coug fans remain admirably loyal to and optimistic about their alma mater. (Talk about your slow learners, but I guess that pretty much goes without saying…) Boog backers have been waving a Wazzu flag in the background of every ESPN Game Day broadcast since 2002. May the MMQB make a modest suggestion: starting next week, try flying it at half-staff.
THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
This just in: it has been officially determined that the state of Washington has now joined the ranks of Alaska, North Dakota, Vermont and a handful of other states in having no actual D-1 football programs located within its borders.
AND ANOTHER THING
Is anyone else sick and f*cking tired of seeing the Quacks, those slug-eating sons of bitches, getting banner coverage in the Seattle Times sports section? I mean, I realize that the two in-state schools suck sewage, but that doesn’t mean that their readers give a flying f*ck about the fouls. Print something we might possible care about, like celebrity bass fishing or something for Chrissakes. Is it any wonder that, in the words of Ghostbuster Egon Spengler, “print is dead?”
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
What a difference a week makes. Last week, Cal was enjoying its 66-3 cakewalk over the Palouse Pussies and Maryland was busy losing to Middle Tennessee State. This week, the Fighting Tedheads were upended by the Terps 35-27. Fear the turtle! Stunnedford, which had looked fairly impressive in their week one victory over the Barkrats suffered its second straight road defeat, this one a 31-14 mauling at the hands of TCU. Some of the Tree players reported difficulty breathing; turns out they had Frogs in their throats. (Bah-dum-dum. I’ll be here through Thursday. And don’t forget to tip your waitresses.) Both Arizona teams lost. The Stun Devils were upended 23-20 in overtime by UNLV, driving coach Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson to well, have another. And Arizona lost to New Mexico as coach Mike Stoops seems hell-bent on competing with Ty Willing-but-not-able-ham for the conference coaching hot seat award. Meanwhile, the OSU Barkrats knocked the poi out of the visitors from Hawaii, 45-7. You might say they really lei’d one on them. You might, but you probably have more self-control than that. Besides, that’s what you have the MMQB for. Speaking of waxing the visitors, the Condoms destroyed THE Ohio State University F*ckeyes, 35-3. This was an impressive display, my friends. Very impressive. Rumor has it that the NFL is planning to declare U$C an expansion team and thereby remedy their lack of a pro team in the City of Angels. Unfortunately, most of the Toejam players are reluctant to make the move as it would entail a fairly substantial pay cut. When he took over the helm of (f)UCLA, telegenic coach Ricky Sweatervest announced that it might take some time to bring his brand of football to Westwood. But after an impressive victory over Tennessee in their home opener and a bye, the Ruins are clearly way, way, way ahead of schedule. B-Y-Who QB Max “Down The” Hall fired four of his seven TD passes in the first five minutes of the second quarter, an offensive outburst that would make even Sam Bradford a little jealous. The 59-0 whitewashing was the school’s worst loss in 75 years. The Slick One may have declared the U$C monopoly over, but I’m guessing that Pete “Christmas” Carroll still has hotels on Broadway and Park Place, plus all four railroads and both utilities. And with the mighty Ruins racking up a grand total of nine – count ‘em, nine – rushing yards, it’s pretty clear they’re not going to be passing Go anytime soon.
OH AND IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
The dedicated student athletes of U-Pay-Us rang up 34 unanswered points in a stirring 37-7 road victory over the always tough Sagehens of Pamona-Pitzer. You know there’s nothing that really strikes terror into your opponents like a steaming bucket of Kentucky Fried. Similarly, the boys from Willamette exploded for 28 second-half points to defeat California Lutheran. The Bearpuddytats were led by the 113 rushing yards of “Swervin’” Merben Woo. (Who? Woo! Ooh, Woo…)
QUICK HITTERS
Won’t Make That Mistake Again – Kansas coach Mark Mangino, who obviously has a weakness for cupcakes, apparently overlooked the fact that his AD had scheduled a non-conference game against a legitimate team. By the time he discovered the mistake, the Jayhawks had lost to South Florida 37-34. Fortunately for the big man, next week Kansas squares off against Sam Houston State, hold the sprinkles. ***** Perfect 10 – Led by Chase Daniels, who threw for a mere 405 yards and 4 touchdowns in a little over two quarters of work, Missouri scored on their first ten possessions and thumped Nevada 69-17. Reports are that the Tigers were inspired by a late night visit from Bo Derek. (Hey, that would inspire the MMQB…) ***** Heels Step All Over Knights -North Carolina trounced Rutgers, 44-12. It was the school’s first victory outside the state of North Carolina since 2002. In fact, things are going so well for the Baby Blue this year that their only real misstep was when the parachutists charged with delivering the game ball for the season opener missed the stadium and instead landed at Duke. That’s not a joke – look it up. Anyway, Butch Davis, I’m just sayin’ … ***** Overpaid Coaches Bowl – Notre Shame took advantage of six Michigan gifts to upend Richie Rich and the Wolverines, 35-17. Fat Charlie Weis tore up his ACL and MCL when one of his own players accidentally knocked him on his XXL ass. ***** Some Prayers Do Get Answered – Buffalo upset the Temple of Doom, 30-28 on a 35-yard Hail Mary pass as time expired. It’s the first time in ten years that the Buffs have been 2-1, and back then they were a I-AA team. ***** Of Course, Not All Prayers Get Answered – Middle Tennessee State staged a valiant comeback bid against Rich “Babbling” Brooks and the Kentucky Mildcats. As the clock ticked down, they completed a 60-yard Hail Mary pass. The bad news is they were 61 yards from pay dirt and the receiver was hauled down by the ankle at the one yard line. On the bright side, they avoided one of those pesky excessive celebration flags… *****And In Baseball Action… — Auburn nipped Mississippi State, 3-2. It was a game that only a defensive coordinator could love. ***** Putting the Ill Back In Illini? – Ron and the Zookers narrowly avoided a crushing upset when they held on to nip Louisiana Lafayette 27-24. The game wasn’t over until they recovered a Ragin’ Cajun onside kick with less than a minute to go. Keep it up, Ron, and the website’s gonna be back…
AND IN CLOSING…
On Saturday, Clay Bennett announced plans to purchase the air raid siren from Husky Stadium and take it with him back to Oklahoma. U-Dub officials were quoted as saying, “hey, we need the cash and it’s not going to get much use this year anyway.”
That is all, McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
Some weeks the MMQB requires a little warm-up, and some weeks he can’t help
but jump right into action. Hazard a guess into which category this week
falls?
FIST-PUMPUS INTERRUPTUS
Are you sh*tting me? No, really … are you f*cking sh*tting me? Where
does a mild-mannered, even-tempered observer like the MMQB even start?
First, let me get this out of the way upfront: B-Y-Who did plenty of things
well-enough and the BP&G did plenty of poorly enough that it’s hard to argue
with the outcome of the game, per se. I might not be the sharpest stick in
your sharp stick drawer (see?), but even I know that you can’t continue to
allow opponents to ring up 475 yards of offense and force only two punts for
the entire f*ckin’ game if you want to be successful. You can’t allow teams
to shove the ball down your throats in second-half marches of 84 and 97
yards. Hell, in the Glory Years (ah, the fading memories of the delusional
fan), there were whole games when our defense didn’t allow 97 yards -
period. New defensive coordinator Ed “Don’t Ask” Donatel reportedly mixed
up his defensive formations, saying “Our purpose is to add mental pressure
for the offense in their preparation.” Yes, I can see taxing that could be
for an offensive coordinator: whether to exploit your poor tackling with
the running game or mix it up with some passes to wide-open receivers. That
kind of tough choice reminds this learned observer of the end of “Trading
Places:”
Billy Ray Valentine: “What shall we do for lunch, Coleman, the lobster or
the cracked crab?”
Coleman (to stunning Island Goddess): ”What do you think, dear?”
Stunning Island Goddess, “Can’t we have both?”
Coleman (to pint-sized waiter): ”Why not? Lobster and cracked crab for
everyone!”
Pint-sized waiter: ”Extra primo good, Mr. Coleman, sir.” (Runs off…)
And so it goes, as our defense continues present mouth-watering options for
any offense – and gets shelled. And yet, this was a game that seemed
destined for overtime. For all of the mistakes of the young pups, who after
all are squaring off against a bunch of f*ckin’ 28-year-olds, and don’t tell
that doesn’t make a f*ckin’ difference, because it does, and the NCAA is too
f*ckin’ chicken-sh*t to do anything about it lest they raise the specter of
religious bias or, worse yet, just plain f*ckin’ common sense … oh God,
where was I? Oh yeah, for all of their mistakes, for all the missed tackles
and all the blown assignments and all the overthrown passes and all the
dropped balls, the Pooches, those lovable Mutts of Montlake still made
enough plays to have a chance to force it into overtime. The home eleven,
not to mention the hopes and dreams of Dawgfans everywhere, were riding on
the sheer will and determination of a special athlete who simply would not
be denied. Looking for all the world like his team was playing for a
seriously injured comrade and quite possibly the job security of their stoic
coach, the Savior put together a last-minute drive so improbable, so sappy,
that even a Hollywood script-writer could not conjure it up. And when he
finished the job, scoring with a scant two seconds to spare, he joyously
tossed the ball aside so that he could share his exuberance with his
teammates. There was no premeditation. The ball did not go flying into the
cheap seats. There was no taunting of the opposition or
self-aggrandizement. There wasn’t even a good, old-fashioned crotch grab.
No, this extraordinary young athlete simply wanted to embrace and thank his
teammates as quickly as possible. And what happens? Showing all the
humanity and discretion of an IRS auditor with jock itch, some broken-down
middle-aged waste-of-skin throws a flag on our young star, accusing this
saintly cross between Dr. Schweitzer, Gandhi, Bobby Jones and Mother Teresa
of unsportsmanlike conduct. I repeat, are you f*ckin’ shitting me? Now,
the first thing you have to remember is that the offending zebra is the same
hair-ball that turned the fourth quarter of the 2006 UO-OU clash into a
cluster-f*ck of Biblical proportions. Apparently, he and his brethren
wanted the opportunity to demonstrate that they are equal opportunity f*ck
ups, and they can screw over the home team just as completely and
efficiently as they rogered the visitors from Norman. In that one regard,
he was stunningly successful and, as such, remains exhibit #1 on why
“Touchdown” Tommy Hansen should be summarily shot and his naked corpse
dragged across the campuses of major universities throughout four western
states. Then this flea-ravaged zebra has the audacity to contend that it
wasn’t a judgment call. Bullsh*t. Double bullsh*t. Oh, and while we’re
at, Triple Bull-f*cking-sh*t! Even the mainstream media aren’t buying that
load of hooey. Every f*ckin’ call is a judgment call. If refs had no
discretion, and were forced to call every single thing they see, no play
would ever stand. No game would ever end. Refs routinely factor in the
situation and the context when they make calls. At least good ones do. I
have no f*cking clue whatsoever about what is going on in the dusty recesses
of Larry Farina’s empty cranium. And so a key determinant – perhaps the key
determinant – in the outcome of a significant and exciting athletic clash is
determined not by the dedicated student-athletes on the field of the Most
Beautiful Stadium in America, but instead by some hemorrhoid with a whistle.
Speaking of which, don’t think I haven’t noticed your role in all this
either, Browns KR. My MMQB mole within the back offices of Umpqua Savings
and Loan is about to send me notarized copies of the paperwork on that
rather large transfer into your account from Wafflesoles, Ltd. (a shady
enterprise with branches in the Cayman Islands and Beaverton, OR) and last
week’s matching withdrawal in the form of a money order made out to one L.
Farina, LLC. You think you could escape my notice? Are you f*ckin’
sh*tting me?
AND ANOTHER THING …
Far be it for the MMQB to be accused of poor sportsmanship. I mean, I am
nothing if not the paragon of respect and fair play in all athletic
endeavors. But this simply must be said. B-Y-Who is being touted as a
potential “BCS-buster,” a team which could run the table and force its way
into a major bowl. I say one more time, are you f*ckin’ sh*tting me? What
I saw was a team that needed a jaw-dropping and unwarranted gift from a
guilty bystander in order to barely survive a game against a team that is at
best middle-of-the-Pac and quite probably one of the three worst in the
conference. Put a team like B-Y-Who in the Pac10 and they are probably .500
at best, and yet they have about two challenging games standing between them
and a well-deserved, Hawaii-esque bitch-slapping at the hands of any real
team in a BCS bowl game. I would just as soon not wait that long. So, even
though the MMQB finds this somewhat difficult to admit, he will be cheering
on Slicky Ricky Sweatervest and the rest of the (f)UCLA Ruins next week…
SO, YOU THOUGHT WEEK #1 WAS BAD…
66-3. Sixty-f*ckin’-six to three. Need I say more? Probably not, but when
has that ever stopped me? It does the hard heart of the MMQB good to see
that Paul “It’s The” Wulff is already putting his stamp on his alma mater’s
football program. In only his second game at the helm, he managed to guide
his charges to the worst defeat in Wazzu history. You have to admit that
this is something of a historic accomplishment, given the Boogs’ long, long
history of pigskin ineptitude. So just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s play
that always popular Palouse parlor game, Name the Coug Low Point. And the
nominees are: (a) giving up an 80-yard TD run on the first play from
scrimmage; (b) giving up an 86-yard TD run on the same play later in the
game; (c) the four interceptions; (d) the blocked FG returned 65 yards for a
TD, (d) the 90 yard interception return that set up yet another Cal TD, (e)
the 66 points allowed, or (f) all of the above. Of course the obvious
answer is F, as in failure, futility and fur-ball f*ck-ups. Now, Johnny,
tell our lucky contestants what they’ve won: All of our winners will
receive two tickets for all remaining home games. Of course, the losers
will receive four tickets…
OREGON LAY ROUT 66 ON GAGGIES
The
vaunted-black-and-green-with-
(and the hats, don’t forget the yellow hats) took the Field Named For A
Coach With A Career Losing Record and promptly administered an impressive
688 yard, 66-24 butt-kicking to the latest visitors to the Concrete Bunker.
The Quacker attackers were led by RB LaGarrette Blount “Instrument,” who
rolled up 132 yards and two TDs and QB Justin “Case” Roper, who completed 13
of 18 for 173 yards and a TD. Of course, the loogie-hocking Quackerbackers
conveniently ignore the fact that these lofty totals were amassed against
the perennially over-matched Utah State Gaggies. Utah State is such a
doormat that they should consider having “Welcome” tattooed on all their
players’ asses. For this observer’s money, the most impressive feat
displayed all day was when Bawlalotti’s staff was able to talk him out of
his plan to try an on-side kick “just for the hell of it” after his charges
scored their final touchdown with three minutes remaining.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The U$C Condoms celebrated their first week at #1 with a bye. The players
filled the time banging a few song girls and waxing their Escalades while
waiting for next week’s big show-down with THE Ohio State University
F*ckeyes, a team which struggled before finally putting away Frank Solich
and Ohio 26-14. Meanwhile, as part of his new Keeping-Up-With-The-Toejams
strategy, Slicky Ricky Sweatervest, took out another newspaper ad, this one
demanding that the Ruins also be given this week off. The players filled
the time singing Kumbaya and getting a few shekels down on the Martin Luther
- Marantha Baptist game (as the coach predicted, ML waxed MB), while waiting
for their big show down with B-Y-Who-The-F*ck-Makes-That-
action that actually took place on the field of battle, the Oregon State
Barkrats invaded Penn State’s aptly-named Beaver Stadium and limped away
with a 45-14 butt-kicking at the feet of JoPa and the Nitanny Lions. In
other Pathetic10 action, both Arizona schools looked impressive, as the
Mildcats thumped Toledo 41-16 and the Stun Devils stunned Stunnedford in
Stun Devil Stadium by an equally stunning count of 41-17. After the ‘Zona
victory, WR Terrell “No Relation to Gordon” Reese was suspended for DUI. No
word yet on Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson’s post-game celebrations.
QUICK HITTERS
Rocky Mountain Sigh – Coach Moonbeam and the Buffs narrowly avoided going
0-for-2 against Division I-AA teams by staging a second-half rally and then
holding off Eastern Washington 31-24. Hey Coach Wulff. Maybe it’s not too
late to save yourself! ***** U of Show-Me State Shows Me – Chase Daniel had
a decent day, hitting 16 of 17 passes for 245 yards and three TDs in less
than two quarters work. I have two words for you: Gary Pinkel. I’m just
saying… ***** No Miss At Ol’ Miss – Wake Forest’s Sam Swank nailed a
41-yard-FG with three seconds to go, sealing a 30-28 victory over the Rebs.
I have two words for you: Jim Grobe. I’m just saying … ***** Rosaries
Get A Work Out – Narrowly avoiding an upset of Biblical proportions, Notre
Shame got a late rally to secure a 21-13 victory over visiting San Diego
State. Yes, for those of you keeping track, that’s the same Aztec team that
the week before had been beaten at home by Cal-Poly. You think maybe the
Domers are rethinking Fat Charlie’s contract extension? *****Keeping Up
With The Paternos – Bobby Bowden stayed tied with JoPa in career victories
as his Semiholes beat Western Carolina, 69-0. After the game, the
loquacious coach referred to the victory as “a good old-fashioned lickin’!”
*****Attendance Down in The Big House – The smallest home crowd in 10 years
watched “Get” Rich “Quick” Rodriguez earn his first victory as Wolverine
Coach in an unimpressive 16-6 victory over pesky Miami of Ohio. On the
bright side, this meant that there were only 106,724 fans asking themselves,
“we paid this guy $2M+ a year for this?*****Poor Mountaineers – Rodriguez’s
former West Virginia team was thoroughly dominated by the suddenly
impressive East Carolina Pirates (argh!), 24-3. Skip Holtz? I’m NOT sayin’
… *****Badgers Belt Blundering Herd – As expected, Wisconsin pummeled
Marshall 51-14. Afterward, Warner Bros. announced plans to rename their
2006 Matthew McConaughey flick, “We Are Not Good.” ***** First Gustav, Now
This – The Louisiana Tech Bulldogs left their home state early to avoid the
path of a hurricane and were promptly stormed by Kansas, 29-0. The Jayhawk
non-conference schedule is once again a joke of Pac10 officiating
proportions: Florida International, Louisiana Tech, and Sam Houston State.
C’mon… ***** A Win Is A Win – One week after looking like world-beaters in
destroying Clemson, the Alabama Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers allowed four
sacks, fumbled, missed two kicks and gained only 172 yards in an
unimpressive 20-6 victory over storm-dodging Tulane. Before you get really
mad, Nick, just remember you’re getting paid no matter what…
SPECIAL HIGH SCHOOL UPDATE
The Bellevue High Wolverines opened their 2008 campaign with a routine 41-13
romp over Portland’s highly regarded Central Catholic. Late in the second
quarter, the invaders from the Puget Sound region converted a third-and-37
into a 44 yard touchdown run on a draw play to take a commanding 34-6 lead.
Media reports from the scene differ, but apparently immediately after the
play a balding coach from the Central Catholic staff calmly placed his
headset in the hands of a team manager, curled up into a fetal position and
began whimpering, “this is as bad as … well, as when we lost to that
cripple …”
AND IN CLOSING…
Clay Bennett continued his all-out assault on the most storied traditions of
college football, announcing over the weekend that he has executed a
purchase and sale agreement to acquire “Touchdown Jesus” from Notre Dame
University. Bennett also said that he intends to have the mural retouched
to add a red OU football helmet to the savior’s head, and “if any of those
tree-hugging Golden Domer types raise a ruckus, I’ll just move the whole
dad-gummed kit-and-caboodle to Oklahoma City.”
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – Are you f*ckin’ sh*tting me?
Filed under: mmqb
Inspiration is a an odd duck. Not an “odd duck” in a Herman Ho-Ching
let’s-have-another-bong sort of way, mind you. Just odd in that
strange-because-you-never-
sort of way.
There I sat, pondering whether or not to make the rather significant
commitment to yet another season of MMQB drivel, and frankly the outlook,
not unlike that of my favorite team, was none too rosy. To be blunt, I have
been looking forward to the college football season with all the excitement
of Lance Armstrong looking forward to urinalysis; namely, with a sense of
dread and foreboding. And then, there it was in the daily fish wrap. The
picture was unmistakable. There he was … in all his grandeur and glory
… finger pointing authoritatively, as if to say, “look what I pulled out
of my nose,” or even, “you see, I told you to always bet the over when
Missouri plays.” That’s right, the Weasel of Westwood, #1 in your heart
and #37 on your court docket, the man with the unquenchable, Clinton-esque
need to be the center of attention. There he was, before even coaching a
single game at his alma mater, declaring that U$C’s reign as the pigskin
kings of LA was about to come to an end. Nice talk, son, but I think you
might want to watch a little game film and, oh by the way, have a QB that
can fog a mirror before you pick a fight with the Condoms. But that’s just
me. After all, you’re not the one that is going to get hit so hard your
next kid will be born dizzy. No, that honor goes to some innocent
18-year-old that you conned into wearing the baby blue. Oh well, life’s
tough in the fast lane – meet the Neu boss, same as the old boss.
Anyway, it was at that very moment that I realized there could be no color
and no pageantry if there were no MMQB. Without the weekly musings of your
most humble and obedient narrator, college football devolves into nothing
more than a weekly gathering of overactive pituitary glands, surrounded by
drunken, loud-mouthed (and in the case of U-Ho, loogie lobbing) fans, Uncle
Phil’s laughingly transparent attempts to buy success for his beloved alma
mater, the weekly what-will-they-wear-next horror in Quackland, and, of
course, the occasional pimple-faced tuba player. Hardly the same, is it?
So, gulp, here I am again to serve up my usual dose of always intelligent,
fair, and well-reasoned commentary on the spectacle that is college
football. That is not to say that every issue this year will be the magnum
opus that has marked recent seasons, but my scores of loyal readers (you
know who you are, you sick and twisted bastards) can count on me yet again
for a healthy dose of unbiased and intelligent commentary every week. Based
on my usual track record, I figure if I limit myself to unbiased and
intelligent comments, you can expect about 12 sentences. For the season.
So bugger that with a bunch of bananas, the MMQB IS BACK, BABY!
Now, I realize that it’s tough to jump into week one without the usual wit
and wisdom of the MMQB Season Preview, but I just couldn’t get over that
hump. You get what you pay for, you leaches. I’d say “sue me,” but I’m
afraid that some of those blood-suckers in Swooshville would take me just a
little too literally. So instead of worrying about what didn’t come, let’s
rejoice in what did – and jump right into it.
DAWGS HALF-BAD IN THE BUNKER
In recent years, the Beloved Purple and Gold (BP&G) have adopted the Eva
Braun approach to playing in Gaspumper Land. The go into the Concrete
Bunker and they don’t come out alive. Saturday night’s tussle looked for a
while like that distressing trend might be broken, as our lovable little
Pooches stood up to the Evil Empire with equal doses of grit and
determination for the first 30 minutes, trailing by a mere 14-10 tally.
Unfortunately, there remains a tradition called “halftime” in this game, and
once again our plucky pups were apparently sedated by another Sphinx
halftime speech, as they stumbled, bumbled and fumbled their way to a 30-zip
white-washing in the second half. Of course, the outcome might have had
something to do with the fact that the Mutts’ running backs, receivers, and
defensive line are all younger than the Chinese gymnastics team. But these
pups are gonna have to grow up fast or it’s gonna be a long, long,
l-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g f*ckin’ season. And the margin was padded a
bit when Mikey Bawlalotti, sporting his new goatee (which this learned
observer found strangely apropos for such a goatf*cker), decided to run up
the score with another TD in the closing minute. Nice display of
sportsmanship there, you slug-eating piece of duck sh*t. Even Slicky Ricky
Sweatervest, a man whose very image was reviled in a puke-laced video on the
Odd-sun stadium big-screen, a man who had every reason to rub the plucked
ducks’ collective beaks in a little of their own slimy excrement, had his
charges take a knee rather than score another touchdown to pad the score and
embarrass their vanquished foe. See game film, 2002, UW 42-UO 14 – notice
the point spread at the time was nearly identical when one team showed
class and the other team showed their true feathers. You have to hand it to
the Ladies of the Knight, though, they managed to rack up a lot of points
despite having lost their projected starting QB to injury. You have to feel
for the kid. He waits years to get his chance to play and – boom! – his
season is over in a flash. And the real tragedy is that he has just learned
that being on crutches means that he’ll have to drop his challenging
Billiards 101 class, an academic staple for University of Zero football
players. It may be a new season, baby, but some story lines just go on and
on and on…
BOOGS ALL-BAD AT QWESTIONABLE ACCOUNTING PRACTICES FIELD
In the words of the always wise Pete Townshend, “see me, feel me.” Oops,
wrong sentiment there. What I meant to say was, “Meet the new boss, same as
the old boss.” The Yaba-Doba-Doo (God, how we’ll miss him) era may be over
in Pull-my-finger-man, but it looks like new coach Paul “Big Bad” Wulff is
well prepared to carry on in the finest Cougloser tradition, as he quickly
discovered that playing Big 12 team is just a little different than playing
a Big Sky team. Wazzu special (as in take-the-short-bus-to-school) teams
once again provided more comic relief than Achmed with a pitching wedge, as
they missed one PAT, allowed punt returns of 42 and 68 yards, and gave up a
TD on a kick-off return. Other than that, it was all pretty routine in a
39-13 pasting that wasn’t as close as the score indicated. It’s certainly
shaping up to be another miserable year for college football fans in the
Evergreen State.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The season got underway Thursday night as the Trees withstood the invasion
of the Barkrats, 36-28. A late OSU rally was cut short when the receiver
tried to stretch the ball over the goal line and instead fumbled it out of
the end-zone for a game-clinching touchback. The only good thing about the
play was that it reminded me of last year’s Oregon-Cal game. Big smile.
And speaking of big smiles, Pete “Christmas” Carroll should be showing off
the pearlies a bit today, as U$C launched its annual quest for the Mythical
National Title (MNT) with a rather convincing 52-7 victory over
No-Virginia-There-Is-No-Santa-
impregnable – the Cavs’ only TD came on a “drive” abetted by four major
penalties. Swear to all that is Holy, the Toejam players just look
different than regular college teams … the phrase “men-among-boys” leaps
to mind. Speaking of which, Arizona struggled to get past a plucky bunch of
Idaho Vandals, 70-0. Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson woke up from his
off-season stupor long enough to coax the Stun Devils past always-tough
Northern Arizona, 30-13. You see, that’s how most programs start a season -
schedule a team with a direction in its name or, failing that, Idaho …
The poor beleaguered Mutts of Montlake don’t have one game all season like
that. Not a goddamn one. But I digress (get used to it…) Where was I?
Oh yeah, and finally, bedecked in uniforms that only a mother or a drunken
duck fan could love, the Fighting Tedheads withstood one Spartan rally after
another as Cal notched a 38-31 victory over Michigan State.
QUICK HITTERS
Worth The Wait – Playing its first game in 48 years, Lincoln University
defeated George Mason 34-7. It was the Lions’ first victory in nearly 50
years. U-Dub fans will be excused if they suffer a strange sense of
foreboding. ***** One Down, One To Go – B-Y-Who dismantled Northern Iowa
41-17. Knowledgeable fans will note that the NIU mascot is the Husky.
There’s that damn sense of foreboding again… *****Like Kissing Bobby
Bowden – Following Saturday’s 66-10 rout of Coastal Carolina, Jo-Pa is now
tied with the Semi-hole coach at 373 victories apiece. Rather than coaching
until they’re in wheelchairs, they should settle this like men: meet at the
50 yard line, take one swig of warm beer, each uncork one belch, and the
loser retires immediately. ***** Get Rich, Quick – Rodriguez didn’t exactly
wow the crowd in the Big House, as his new Wolverine charges went down to
the visiting Utes 25-23. Never happens to fail – you always kinda miss the
Carr you trade in. ***** Bowling Them Over – This was the year that
Wannstedt was supposed to get Pitt over the hump. Instead, the Panthers
were tripped up by visiting Bowling Green, a team picked to finish fifth in
the MAC, 27-17. Hey, Dave, maybe you and Ty can meet to polish your
resumes. ***** Isn’t It Ironic? – Unranked East Carolina upset #17 Virginia
Tech 27-25 on, of all things, a blocked punt returned for a TD. Live by the
sword… *****Not Exactly Road Warriors – When last we peeked in on Hawaii,
they were getting bitch-slapped 41-10 by Georgia in the Sugar Bowl.
Saturday, they again ventured into the deep Southeast, this time to take on
the Florida Master-Gators in the Swamp and were promptly dispatched with
another butt-kickin’ of Biblical proportions, 52-10. Maybe they should just
stay home and get lei’d…
GREAT MOMENTS IN ENLIGHTENED ATHLETIC LEADERSHIP
It does this hard heart good to see the SEC sign a $2+ Billion-with-a-B
broadcast contract with ESPN and CBS. Dutifully inspired, outgoing
Pathetic-10 commissioner Touchdown Tommy Hansen promptly rushed right out
and inked a new deal with the Food Network. The groundbreaking arrangement
is expected to net each conference institution of higher learning $48, a
case of Spam, and a two-for-one Subway sandwich coupon. Ah, we’re gonna
miss ya, Tommy … and don’t let the door kick you in the ass on the way
out…
AND IN CLOSING…
In a strange move, Clay Bennett announced today that he has secured an
option to purchase Traveler, the U$C mascot. Bennett is demanding
significant upgrades to the mascot’s stables or else he will move the horse
to Oklahoma City.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
