Talk about over doing things. This bowl menu is to good football what the
Kountry Korner Buffett is to fine cuisine. It’s all about quantity; not
quality. Of 119 D-1 football teams, 64 (or 53.78% for the mathematically
challenged in our audience) are playing in bowl games. And let’s face it,
as bad as the Beloved Purple and Gold were at times this season, is there
anyone who doesn’t think they could compete with the likes of Florida
Atlantic or Central Michigan. OK, maybe only in the first half, but
still…
Anyway, given the ultimate triumph of style over substance represented by
the 2007/8 bowl season, the MMQB dedicates this special edition to ESPN
commentator Dick Vitale, who is recovering from recent surgery on, of all
things, his vocal chords. This is roughly akin to Jenna Jameson having
surgery on her hoo-hah, if you get my drift and I think that you do.
Speaking of multiple screwings, here is the MMQB’s quick and quirky look at
the 2007-8 bowl schedule:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl – Navy vs. Utah
This is the kind of bowl game that you just want to set out on the front
porch until the leaves shrivel up and die and you finally get tired of
tripping over it and throw it unceremoniously in the garbage can. On the
bright side, every player on the winning team will get a free toaster and a
subprime ARM.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl – Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
According to their website, “R+L Carriers recently received the 2007
Logistics Management Quest for Quality Award for multi-regional carriers.
This stems from surveys conducted specifically in the logistics industry
evaluating and measuring Transportation Service providers and examines
overall performance.” Boy, if that’s not enough reason to watch a bad
football game, I don’t know what is!
Papajohns.com Bowl – Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
This game will be delivered to your living room via ESPN2, but before you
can enjoy it, you need to pop it into a 450 degree oven for 12-15 minutes.
New Mexico Bowl – New Mexico vs. Nevada
I give you exhibit #7b of why there are too many f*cking bowl games. It’s
just another home game for the Lobos. And, let’s face it: if this game
were a mid-season Thursday nighter on ESPN, how many people would bother to
tune in? (Well, sickos like your humble narrator for sure, but he needs
treatments…)
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl – UCLA vs. BYU
As UCLA dallies with the prospect of subjecting itself to a Rick Neuheisel
coaching regime, the school has shocked the sports world by naming legendary
basketball coach John Wooden as interim football coach for this bowl game.
The 97-year-old Wooden provided a further shock when he announced plans to
apply for reinstatement of Sidney Wicks’ athletic eligibility and install
him at QB for the game. BYU players shake their heads and return to
schtuping each of their wives for good luck.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl – Boise State vs. East Carolina
Other than a night of carnal delights with Keira Knightly, can you imagine
anything much better than the orgasmic joy of leaving Boise in December?
Tell you what; in December, when that wind comes howling across the snow,
the football field isn’t the only thing that turns blue. Now both the
Broncos and the Pirates can look forward to getting lei’d in paradise.
Because, let’s face it, if you’re going to play bad football, you might as
well do it while being massaged by warm , tropical breezes.
Motor City Bowl – Purdue vs. Central Michigan
Unlike GM, this match-up is so far gone that even grave-robbing private
equity firms wouldn’t agree to take it over. I mean, CMU may be the MAC
chumps, er, champs, but let’s not forget that they lost to 1AA North Dakota
State, got thrashed 52-7 by Kansas, and were annihilated 70-14 by Clemson.
I’m sure the thinking was that good ol’ CMU would bring lots of paying
customers from Mount Pleasant, but I for one doubt that even the most rabid
Chippewa fans will be too excited to watch a rematch against the
Boilermakers, who jumped out to a 38-0 lead when the teams met earlier this
season.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl – Arizona State vs. Texas
The Stun Devil faithful are hoping that Denny sobers up long enough to coach
the game. There’s a good chance that they have nothing to worry about.
After all, Mack Brown is prowling the other sideline – and, more
importantly, Vince Young doesn’t wear burnt orange anymore.
Champs Sports Bowl – Boston College vs. Michigan State
Let’s rename this one The Irony Bowl. The #2 team in the ACC and the #7
team in the Big Ten Eleven (sporting a sub-.500 conference record) squaring
off in a game named Champs. Stop it; you’re killing me!
Texas Bowl – TCU vs. Houston
Everything’s big in Texas. Except for the quality of their bowl games.
Don’t bother.
Emerald Bowl – Maryland vs. Oregon State
Who said that college football players don’t get their just rewards? You
win the Civil War and end up in a cosmopolitan city like San Francisco. You
lose the Civil War and end up in El Paso-Gaso. Sounds about right to this
learned observer.
Meineke Car Care Bowl – U Conn vs. Wake Forest
Nothing provides the perfect tune up (no pun intended) for your car care
bowl game like playing for your conference title and losing 66-21. But is
U-Conn’s 45-point loss to West Virginia really much worse than their 27-3
waxing at the hands of Cincy a couple weeks earlier? The sad conclusion is
that no Huskies have any business being in a bowl game these days.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl – Central Florida vs. Mississippi State
OK, I admit it. I’m stumped. There is nothing remotely humorous to say
about this game. I mean, not beyond the mere fact that it is even taking
place…
Valero Alama Bowl – Penn State vs. Texas A&M
Let’s all hear it for Joe-Pa, who is about to coach his 500th for the
Nittany Lions – not his 500th game; his 500th season. In contrast, A&M is
being coached by a one-game seat-warmer following the departure of coach
Dennis “Blogmaster” Franchione. It’s unlikely that either will be
remembered for the Alamo.
PetroSun Independence Bowl – Alabama vs. Colorado
In a shocking turn of events, Coach Moonbeam decides his Buffs cannot
participate in a game sponsored by an earth-raping, greenhouse-gas-spewing,
petro-chemical company. When informed of his team’s victory by forfeit,
Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban said, “We still get paid, don’t we?”
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces – California vs. Air Force
Look up the word “momentum” in your dog-eared copy of Webster’s New
Collegiate. My guess is that the definition doesn’t include the phrase,
“lose six of your last seven.” But that’s just me.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl – Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
We’re not sure who Roady is, but apparently he’s a hell of a nice guy. Too
bad he’s responsible for subjecting some nice young men to December in
Boise.
Brut Sun Bowl – South Florida vs. Oregon
Let’s call this one the #2 Bowl, what with both teams having reached that
august perch in the ratings before tumbling dramatically into also-ran
territory. Besides, any game with U-Ho is going to be a steaming pile of
number two in my book. Another similarity: both teams claim green and gold
for their school teams. But that’s where the similarities end. After all,
the Bulls actually wear uniforms featuring those shades. In contrast, the
AFLACs are planning on unveiling their new madras plaid pants and camouflage
jersey with helmets painted to look like Dan Fouts. Should be enough to get
Len Casanova puking in the void yet again.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl – Kentucky vs. Florida State
Roughly a quarter of the Seminole team will be ineligible for the game as
punishment for their involvement in an academic cheating scandal involving
an on-line class. This has been a shocker to fans in Tallahassee. Not the
suspensions; not the cheating; the shock has been that players are expected
to take classes in the first place.
Insight Bowl – Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
A beloved coach named Terry dies on the eve of the season. A grieving team
dedicates the season to his memory and plays so well that they qualify for
post-season play. Lucky for Indiana, this is the NCAA and they’re in a bowl
game. Because if it were the WIAA and they were Archbishop Murphy HS,
chances are they’d get bounced from the playoffs because the school
discovered and self-reported that one player’s physical was three weeks
overdue. And if you don’t get the reference, read this:
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071126/BLOG18/71126013
Chick-Fil-A Bowl – Clemson vs. Auburn
In a strange twist on the traditional pre-game coin flip, the two Tommies -
Bowden and Tuberville – will meet at mid-field and compare checkbooks. As
you’ll recall, both coaches leveraged the Arkansas opening to pocket huge
raises from their current employers.
Outback Bowl – Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
This could be one of the better bowl games. So throw another shrimp on the
barbie, crack open another Foster’s – and do it quick. After all, you could
lose your appetite after seeing those high-def images of Phil Fulmer on the
sidelines. (Or was that Fred Thompson? Notice that you never see them
together…)
AT&T Cotton Bowl – Missouri vs. Arkansas
Remember the old days when the Cotton Bowl was a big deal? Now it’s the
consolation prize for a team that gets bounced from the #1 ranking on the
last day of the season and ends up completely outside the BCS squaring off
against a team that is between coaches who will rank #1 and #2 on the Frank
Zappa “We’re only in it for the money” mercenary scale. Word is that
Petrino still plans to show up in Fayatteville … unless he gets a better
offer in the next few weeks.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl – Texas Tech vs. Virginia
Name the Big 12 team with the most consecutive winning seasons. Nope, it’s
not a perennial power like Oklahoma, Texas or Nebraska. It’s those
underrated Red Raiders of Texas Tech. Not to be cavalier (ha ha ha) about
it, but who really cares? This game will be worth watching if only to see
Michael Crabtree haul in about 17 passes and to hope that Mike Leach goes
off on the refs.
Capitol One Bowl – Michigan vs. Florida
Tim Tebow avoids the Heisman bowl game jinx and spoils Lloyd Carr’s
going-away party. The mastergator QB throws for 11 touchdowns, runs for 9
more and bangs the entire UM cheer squad at halftime. Hey, the kid’s
versatile.
Rose Bowl – Illinois vs. U$C
The MMQB is pleased to report that a crisis has been narrowly averted.
Illinois, so unaccustomed to playing in a bowl game, tried to save a few
bucks by going with Hotels”R”Us.com, which fumbled away the team’s hotel
reservations. Fortunately, U$C boosters rallied to the cause by freeing up
a small percentage of their “Condos for Condoms,” providing plenty of local
lodging for the visitors.
Allstate Sugar Bowl – Hawaii vs. Georgia
Here is where the little gnat that is the Warrior’s dream of an undefeated
season meets the speeding semi that is Uga and the rest of the Georgia
Bulldogs. Welcome to the big leagues…
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl – Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Rich “And Getting Richer” Rodriguez demonstrated his loyalty to his alma
mater by abandoning his team on the eve of its biggest game ever and then
suing the school in an attempt to avoid his contract’s buy-out clause as he
sashays off to Ann Arbor. Nevertheless, the jilted Mountaineers will rally
to win. The tide turned after the Sooner Schooner took the field following
an apparent OU score, only to draw an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that
costs the team dearly. Ah, those were the days…
International Bowl – Rutgers vs. Ball State
The less said about this game, the better. Period.
GMAC Bowl – Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
See International Bowl.
Allstate BCS Championship Game – LSU vs. Ohio State
The Mouth of the South squares off against the only major college football
coach to own more sweater vests than Rick Neuheisel. But by this time,
unless you’re still in the running in the bowl pool, who really cares
anymore? Since this is the NCAA’s version of the Super Bowl, maybe some
b-list celebrity will flash her ta-ta’s at us during the half-time show. We
can hope. Otherwise, bring on letter-of-intent day and spring ball!
And so it goes…
McTavish O’Fishlivet
