Monday Morning Quarterback

The f*cking season is thankfully over. It’s too late to worry about
introductions. Just start reading, damn you.

DAWGS DO NOT GET LEI’D – JUST SCREWED – IN HAWAII

OK, with rare and notable exceptions (such as Oklahoma getting a replay tape
Schoonered up their Boomers in the Concrete Bunker last season), the MMQB as
a rule is not one to dwell on officials’ calls too significantly in
evaluating the color and/or pageantry of any given college football game.
But, Jayzus Horatio Christopher, if I didn’t make an exemption in this
instance, my head would explode, leaving nothing but a steaming pile of bad
puns, useless trivia, and demented lesbian pornography … er, art …
behind. Please, please, for the love of Gawd, tell me that I am not the
only one who felt like his Beloved Purple and Gold were battling not only
the Hawaii (No Longer Rainbow) Warriors, but also six zebras, two replay
officials, and that little Tiki god charm that Bobby Brady found? With a
seven point lead, The Savior rolls to his left and makes an incredibly
athletic throw to Marcel “Marceau” Reese to extend the Pooch drive. Onk,
not so fast, Howley. He may have been over the line of scrimmage. Phew,
deep breath; the replay shows his foot clearly behind the line when he lets
it go. At worst, it’s going to be inconclusive evidence and the call on the
field – a completion – should stand. Nope, can’t have that if our local
boys are going to get to the big hula. Later, on Hawaii’s tying touchdown,
their left tackle took down an onrushing Pooch defender like a Jerry
Springer stage hand subduing a trailer park Queen who just found out her
husband has been doing her mother, her sister and her cat. I watch the
receiver pull in the (admittedly beautiful) pass and think, “no problem;
this one has got to be coming back.” Nope, apparently the official standing
right in front of the play takes the term “blind justice” a little too
literally and the play stands. It just seemed to me that every close call
went the way of the locals. Which, I suppose, is fine; they should have an
opportunity to enjoy their undefeated regular season. But let me tell you
this, my friends; if that is the #12 (now #10) team in the nation, then
Brittney Spears is a f*cking Rhodes Scholar. (Please note: I did not say
that she was f*cking a Rhodes Scholar, which could be true at any given
moment.) Top 10 teams don’t need that many assists from the refs to come
within a tipped ball of going to overtime against the Mutts of Mediocrity.
They don’t need extra time to get past Louisiana Tech. They don’t need
inexplicable coaching gaffes to squeak out a victory over the six-win Nevada
Wolfpack. Put that team in the Pac-10, Big Ten (11, whatever), Big Twelve,
ACC, or God help them, the SEC, and they are middle-of-the-pack. At best.
Oh well, let them enjoy their Luau for now, because Uga and the rest of the
Bulldoggies are going to kick the poi right out of them in the Sugar Bowl.

BARKRAT VICTORY GNAWS AT BAWLALOTTI

You’ll forgive me if this one takes a few minutes to savor, no? After all,
one doesn’t chug a Chateau Lafite Rothschild. One doesn’t engage in a
quick, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am when offered the opportunity for an evening
of sensual delights with the delectable Ms. Charlize Theron. And one most
certainly does not hastily skim the surface of a 38-31 double OT Civil War
upset by the visiting Barkrats, the first time in more than a decade that
the visiting team has prevailed in this Teutonic clash. Instead, you should
close your eyes and take in a deep cleansing breath as we meander down
memory lane. A mere month ago, on the heels of an impressive victory over
the ASU Stun Devils, the AFLACs had parked their feathered fannies
comfortably in the #2 spot in the national polls, and with but three
insignificant games in which they were sure to be heavily favored remaining,
they seemed a veritable lock to play for a national title. This was not a
development that the MMQB could support. But now we can say, to quote a
well-known ESPN Talking Ass, “Not so fast, Slug Breath!” Displaying a
complete inability to rebound from even the slightest little mishaps, the
Ladies of the Knight once again have fed their fans a big, steaming
sh*tburger. Another of Bawlalotti’s patented late-season swoons has seen
the Anarchists lose three straight to the Mildcats, the Ruins and now – in
crushing, double-overtime fashion – their in-state rival, the proud and
overachieving Band of Barkrat Brothers. It all came to a crashing end for
the Former Porn Star Look-alike when Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was
stuffed on fourth and one in the second OT. WeIl, to be perfectly accurate
(and the MMQB is nothing if not a paragon of accuracy), it didn’t really
come to an end for him quite then. Despite the eyewitness accounts of
60,000 stunned Quackerbackers, Bawlalotti still maintains, “That play should
have been measured, but the officials ran off before it could be.” Unable to
count on a few slimy greenbacks slipped to a replay official to save his
sorry hide, Bawlalotti is instead left to ponder “what might have been,”
which (if I am not mistaken) some wise man once sagely observed to be the
four saddest words in the English language. You can’t really blame Mikey
for his delusions, as a late game loss to an underdog rival on your home
field can be especially dispiriting and traumatic (we should know…).
Nevertheless, the contrast between the two major teams of the Gaspumper
State is supremely enlightening. Those lovable little Rodents from
CornValley showed true grit and determination in their victory, as they were
pressed into playing both a back-up at QB and a converted wide receiver at
running back. While the home team at least had their #1 running back at
their disposal, the Barkrats’ talented Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard was
predictably unable to answer the bell. Not to worry – all his replacement,
“Welcome” Matt Sieverson did was bounce off AFLAC defenders like a
black-and-orange billiard ball (you didn’t think I was going to let that
rest, did you?) for 141 yards, catch four passes, and score a key touchdown
- all while playing out of his normal position. As a result, the Boys from
OSU have won six of their last seven games, and once again end the season as
one of the Pathetic10’s hottest teams, and the Slugeaters are again
sentenced to spend the holidays in El Paso Gasso. As I said earlier: go
ahead and take a deep breath. Then smile.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

With the exception of last week’s Rotten Apple Cup (clearly a case of
premature e-jock-ulation), this was Rivalry Week in the West. The U$C
Condoms secured their sixth straight Pathetic10 title with a 24-7 victory
over the (f)UCLA Ruins. Not sure how this outcome translated into the “Rosy
Outlook for Bruins” headline in Sunday’s Seattle Times, but, hey, they’re
professional journalists and I’m just the MMQB. Next thing you know, we’ll
be reading an article headlined, “Karl Dorrell’s Job 100% Secure.” Heading
up the coast, Cal and Stunnedford squared off in The Big Game, a moniker
whose presumption would be offensive if it weren’t so laughably delusional.
After a morning of brie and fresh herb omelets and crisp chardonnay, the
Trees completed Cal’s late-season swoon by handing The Fighting Tedheads
their sixth defeat in their last seven outings. Then, to mark the silver
anniversary of “The Play,” members of the Stunnedford band attacked dejected
members of the Old-and-Bare kickoff return team with their trombones. And,
in a game that no one out of the Canyon State could possibly give a flying
f*ck about, the Stun Devils took advantage of three Willie
Tuitama-lama-ding-dong turnovers in edging the Mildcats 20-17. Following
the game, Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson announced that he would not lobby
for a BCS bowl berth for his team, preferring instead to go on a “good
old-fashioned, three-day, boot-and-rally bender.” Finally, the MMQB is sad
to report that the Yabba-Doba-Doo era is officially over in
Pull-my-finger-man. When asked to predict what he would be doing in
retirement, the ousted coach sang, “We’ll have a gay old time.” Informed of
the sexual connotations of this statement in a post-Larry Craig world (“not
that there’s anything wrong with that”), Yabba said he would visit Mike
Price’s favorite Pensacola strip club just to make sure everyone knew on
which side he buttered his toast. No one knew what he was talking about,
but all wished him well.

IT’S REPORT CARD DAY

The MMQB is old school, baby. When you’re in Mr. O’Fishlivet’s class, you
are expected to straighten up and fly right, my young friends. Don’t be
coming to me with your ADD or ADHD or the rest of your alphabet soup of
supposed maladies. In my class, all those terms are synonymous: you’re
what we call a f*ck-up. And the treatment for being a f*ck-up is some tough
love, or a 2×4 expertly administered upside your head. And when it comes to
grading, the only curves the MMQB cares about are the ones so enticingly
encased in Elle MacPherson’s bikini. Contrary to the apparent trend in
modern educational practice, my role as your leader is not to make you feel
all warm and fuzzy about yourself, Grasshopper; I am here to tell you how
you’re doing. And in this case, the news is not very good:

ü Representation of the Program and the University – Well, we’ve gone three
years without our coach running a numbers ring out of his courtesy car or
hauling the school into court, so we’ve got that going for us. For
restoring some modicum of class and dignity, we’ll give the Sphinx a
much-needed A.

ü Recruiting – Landing Jake Locker at a time when the program was in the
sh*tter was huge, and last week’s coup of getting the two kids from Lakes
was key. But too many local talents (do the names Stewart, Mays and
Schilling sound hauntingly familiar?) have headed out of state. While a
true grade is probably “Incomplete,” we’ll be generous and give the Sphinx a
“Gentleman’s C.”

ü Motivation and Leadership – Well, the kids have battled to the end of all
their games this season, which is something. But football is a game of
emotion and it’s hard to believe that someone who never shows any can get
young people’s hearts pumping. And what coach publicly calls out his team
by saying that they aren’t good enough athletes to compete? Recent
mainstream media coverage has detailed how Mark Richt (Georgia) and Gary
Pinkel (Missouri, I’m just saying) tweaked their personal styles to great
result with their teams. Can or will the Sphinx do the same? The grade is
D, as in Doubtful.

ü Game Planning, Offense – Let’s see, we have a QB who is a supreme talent
when out in the open field but an ordinary and inexperienced player in the
pocket. What’s our game plan? 30 pocket passes and three roll-outs.
(Insert sound of head banging repeatedly against desk here.) While the
offense – especially the line – got marginally better in the later stages of
the season, there were too many bizarre play-calling episodes this season,
such as the low-percentage long pass on third-and-two that was our
penultimate play in the Barkrat game. Based on the total body of work, it
all adds up to a disappointing and generally dispiriting D.

ü Game Planning, Defense – Oh God, don’t get me started. The Dawgs of
Defense have looked like ten pounds of crap in a five-pound bag. Compared
to the back-to-back seasons this learned observer has just endured, Hitler’s
foray into Russia was a case of the hiccups. Perhaps nothing sums up the
complete and utter futility of Kent Baer’s bend-and-then-break defensive
philosophy better than giving up a school record for opponent rushing
against the Zeroes one week and then giving up 500+ yards passing to
Tuitama-Lama-Ding-Dong and the Mildcats the next. How many times must they
give a QB all day to throw and play our DB’s 12 yards off the receivers
before we realize he should be fired, if not euthanized. I’ve got two words
for you, Mr. Sphinx: John Tenuto. Until then, it’s an F, as in F*cking
Football Failure.

ü Game Planning, Special Teams – It only took nine games to realize that
using scrubs on the coverage teams was roughly akin to Neb Beatty lubing
himself up, draping himself across a log and shouting “I dare you” at his
assailants in “Deliverance.” On the other hand, we seemed to have escaped
the Gang-That-Couldn’t-Kick

-Straight fiascos of the Lambo era. A
slightly-less-than-Gentlemanly C- is the best I can give.

ü In-game Adjustments – One question: how many times this season did the
Mutts outplay the opposition in the first half only to come out in the third
quarter with all the intensity of a three-toed sloth on Quaaludes? Our boys
were scored on more often in the third quarter than a drunken cheerleader at
a football kegger. ‘Nuffffff-F said.

ü Bottom Line, Wins and Losses – Is this team significantly – and
demonstrably – better than when the Sphinx first pulled into town? Nope.
D-.

QUICK HITTERS

Scandal Again Shocks South Bend – You’ll recall that George O’Leary was
dismissed by the Irish before ever coaching a game for a little “creative
writing” on his resume. Now, it’s happened again. Local investigative
reporters have found that Charlie Weis claimed to be a football coach on his
resume. ***** Way to Inspire the Troops! – Army lost to Navy 38-3. It was
the Black (and Blue) Knights’ sixth-straight loss to the Swabbies, by an
average of 28+ points. Upon learning the outcome of the game, US Forces in
Iraq promptly laid down their arms. *****Houston, You No Longer Have a
Problem – Ole Miss, for reasons that passeth all understanding, threw $1.8
million per year at Houston Nutt to secure the former Arkansas coach’s
services. When asked to defend his decision, the Rebels’ AD said simply,
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt.” ***** … And Sometimes You Don’t – For
their Cotton Bowl showdown with Missouri, the Hawgs will be led into battle
by Reggie “Pickled” Herring. Insert your own smorgasbord joke here. *****
Michigan Won’t Get Carr With Les Miles – LSU Coach Les Miles announced that
he would be staying in the City of the Red Stick rather than pursuing the
job to replace Lloyd Carr at his alma mater. While some speculated that his
decision was the result of LSU ponying up $4 million or so per year to
retain his services, the MMQB has it on good authority that he finally
realized that “The Mouth of the Great Lakes Region” doesn’t really have any
ring to it. ***** Being #2 is Really #2 – West Virginia was the latest team
to gag away second place in the polls, losing to Pitt 13-9 in a snore-a-thon
annual rivalry tilt. After the game, Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt said,
“Those poor Mountaineers; barely kept …” ***** Sports Illustrated Jinx on
Steroids – Last week’s S.I. cover featuring Chase Daniel clearly meant Mizzu
was going to be in deep, deep trouble against the Okies in the Big Twelve
title game. But should the 38-17 loss knock the Tigers from #1 all the way
to a non-BCS bowl, when two teams they’ve beaten (Kansas and Illinois) are
playing in BCS bowls? Remember, you can’t spell BCS with BS. ***** Bo
Knows Corn – Former Nebraska and current LSU defensive coordinator Bo
Pellini is headed back to Lincoln as the new coach of the Cornholers. Of
course, coaching Nebraska with Tom Osborne as your AD is little like a
priest trying to whip out a sermon with God staring over his shoulder.
***** Fast Learner – The bad news for ‘Bama fans is that last week the Tide
lost its sixth straight to arch-rival Auburn to close out an 0-for-November
streak that cratered a promising season into 6-6 mediocrity. The good news
is that Nick Saban hasn’t compared this “tragedy” to the holocaust yet.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS

While the two most impressive teams in college football, Georgia and a
suddenly healthy U$C, are shuttled off to other games, the BCS championship
tilt will pit Loozeyanna State against THE Ohio State University. As a
result, fans are left to root for Jim Tressel’s troops, who “played” their
way into the title game by getting lap dances from co-eds and watching
“Sportscenter,” or for the Mouth of the South, who embarrassingly lobbied
for his team by noting that no team was able to beat them in a regulation
60-minute game this season. Uh, Les, the last time the MMQB looked, you
play until one team is the actual winner, and twice this season that was the
team on the other side of the scoreboard. Not to put too fine a point on
it, but I am hoping fervently that Les is not more, and that Tressel will
kick Miles’ arse, just as he would have done annually had The Mouth moved to
Meeeshegan.

THIS JUST IN — SHOCKING NEWS FOR EUGENE!

Saying that he has “simply cracked under the constant and unrelenting
pressure, pressure, pressure – you can’t imagine the pressure – from unnamed
outside influences,” Mike Bellotti this morning announced that he is
resigning as head football coach at the University of Oregon. When asked
his future plans, Bellotti, who still maintains that his teams have never
lost a game while at Oregon but have simply “run out of time” on 52 separate
instances while at the school, said that he will make himself available “as
a savior” to the floundering Duke football program. “If I’m lucky, I can
run out of time there ten or eleven times a year,” a clearly disoriented
Bellotti concluded before whipping off his “O” hat, urinating on it before a
group of stunned reporters, and shouting “Hey, K, move over, baby!” Just
when outside observers thought things in Eugene couldn’t possibly get any
stranger, word came that Phil Knight intends to install himself as
Bellotti’s successor at his alma mater. Asked what led him to this
surprising course of action, the Nike founder removed his trademark
sunglasses and replied, “I’ve always seen myself as something of a White
Knight, ha ha ha; I crack myself up. No seriously, I think it’s about time
we do away with the charade that anyone else was in charge here, don’t you?”
Knight concluded by saying that he would also be serving as the school’s
athletic director, track coach, baseball coach, athletic housing coordinator
and NCAA compliance officer, adding that he is “looking forward to finally
being able to play with all my toys in public.” Nike spokesman Wally
Wafflesole refused to speculate on potential replacements for Knight when
he heads to Eugene, but sources inside the company, speaking on condition of
anonymity, said the leading contender at this point is one Kevin Brown, a
corpulent corporate attorney said to have performed much of Knight’s
surreptitious “bag work” over the years. Nike stock was off 9 ½ points in
after-hours trading.

…”And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the
effort.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die,
on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that
goin’ for me … which is nice.”

McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Sometime before the first bowl game on
December 20th, the MMQB hopes to share his own inimitable take on the
2007-2008 bowl season with his legions of loyal readers (aka, the inmates).
And that, thankfully, will be that.

PPS – Just to let you know the depth of my dedication (some would say
depravity), I must report that the power is currently out at Chez MMQB, so I
have travelled to a local wi-fi access point to bring you this week’s
missive. What service!