Monday Morning Quarterback

The Holiday season is now officially upon us.  I know that retail outlets
have had their Christmas doo-dads up since Groundhog’s Day, but all the
genuine signs are now here.  Freddie Couples once again has pocketed enough
dough to buy a suburban rambler at the Skins Game, the former broadcaster
once again has stapled his thumbs to the eaves in his feverish quest to
install 24,000 Christmas lights in less than a day, and – most telling of
all – Achmed once again has unleashed his final turkey fart.  At least we
are hoping and praying that’s the case.  We could be wrong.  Which would be
bad news for the entire Gaspumper (no pun intended) State.  Anyway, all of
this means that the college football season is once again coming to a close.
For fans of a select few teams, that means spirited debates regarding the
relative weight the BCS should place on non-conference victories over Our
Ladies of Corporal Punishment in determining which who should play for the
Mythical National Title.  For fans of other schools, it means hoping that
the bowl winds will blow toward Maui rather than El Paso.  But for the MMQB
and his BP&G, it simply means that another disappointing season is about to
grind to a uncomfortable conclusion, like grains of sand caught in a thong.
Forgive me if I’m not all peace and joy at the moment, but
JesusHChristonastick, is it too much to ask for a little competence along
the way?  I don’t think so.

DAWGS PUT THE ROTTEN BACK INTO “ROTTEN APPLE” CUP

You can tell a lot about a game by the first play.  In the case of the 100th
playing of the Apple Cup, watching Louis Rankin “And Rating” knife through
the Booger defenders for a touchdown on the opening kick-off, the first
thing that entered the MMQB’s mind was, “I’m hoping we don’t peak too soon.”
Damn, but it’s tough being prescient.  In a game that was a microcosm for
the entire Mutt season, the home team failed to fully capitalize on its
early success and instead let the enemy, a team coming off a physically
punishing and mentally dispiriting loss, stick around and eventually take
the contest.  Alex “Career On The” Brink, fresh off his six pick outing
against the Barkrats, roasted and toasted the Pooch secondary for nearly 400
yards, five TD’s and no interceptions.  Of course, to get the occasional
interception, it would help to have a defensive back within, oh let’s say,
the same area code as the intended receiver every once in a while.  Is that
too effing much to ask?  How a defensive backfield can let a receiver get
free by at least 15 yards for a long TD pass with less than a minute to play
is beyond comprehension – or excuse.  In doing so, our boys may have
graciously saved the job of Bill Yaba-Doba-Doo, who headed into the contest
with all the job security of a 285 pound stripper with acne and an overbite.
And speaking of coaches, what I wouldn’t give to see Mr. Personality go
postal just once.  I’m thinking of the classic scene from “Bull Durham,”
with Willingham rounding up his players, and screaming, “What’s our record,
Tormey?”

“4-8.”

“4-8 … How’d we ever win 4?”

“It’s a miracle…”

“It’s a miracle.  You guys, you lollygag around the line of scrimmage.  You
lollygag around the backfield.  You lollygag on special teams.  You know
what that makes you?  Tormey …”

“Lollygaggers.”

“Lollygaggers!”

Of course, it wouldn’t really accomplish anything, but it would be fun to
watch.  Right now, the MMQB is just hoping that Red Lobster is a premiere
sponsor of Hawaii football, because Brennan and those receivers are going to
need some plastic bibs to catch all the drool they’re going to produce when
watching film of this defense.  In the words of Foghorn Leghorn:
“Y-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-c-c-c-h.”  Oh, and in the category of coming attractions:
The MMQB is holding off on delivering his grades of the coaching staff until
after next week’s expected debacle in Honolululululululu, but let me assure
interested readers, they will be fair; they will be accurate; but like so
many things this season, they will NOT be pretty.

UNIVERSITY OF ZERO SAVORS ROSEBOWL TRIP

You have got to hand it to the Quackers.  Down to their third-string QB,
they still had the intestinal fortitude to travel to the Rose Bowl (their
only trip of the year to that hallowed venue, the MMQB will helpfully point
out) and shut out the (f)UCLA Ruins.  Man, what an effort!  What dedication!
What grit!  What’s that you say?  The AFLACs were the ones who got shut out?
For the first time in 22 years?  Held to 148 yards of total offense?  Oops,
my bad.  In the words of Emily Latella, “never mind.”  (Sweet smile.)  In
fairness to the Ladies of the Knight (and the MMQB is nothing if not fair
when it comes to those cheating, slug-eating pieces of Duck sh*t), it has to
be tough when your team is down to never-used Cody (Un)Kempt and Justin
(G)Roper as signal-callers.  Then you saddle them with the extra burden of
uniforms that look like a cross between Penn State and a Chevy Silverado ½
ton pickup – complete with white helmets (thereby destroying the old myth
that the good guys are always the ones in the white hats).  It was simply
too much to overcome.  On the other hand, since U-Ho obviously places such a
high priority on its fashion statements, the MMQB must salute the beautiful
symmetry the Quackers produced between their helmet logo and their scoring
column.  ’Twas a thing o’ beauty, ’twas.  Given recent developments, one
wonders whether a pack of snarlin’ Barkrats might just be able to overcome
the loss of their do-everything running back Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard
and still invade Anarchy Central, storm the Concrete Bunker, take the Field
Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record, and emerge victorious.  Oh,
but we can hope and pray, can’t we?

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Much of the conference was again idle this week, but Stunnedford managed to
lose to Notre Shame in the annual match up of Ty Willingham’s former
employers.  The Weis Guys pulled off their longest play of the year, a 46
yard run, on the opening drive and then withstood a late Tree rally to win
21-14.  With the victory, the Beadrubbers will retain the Pretension Cup for
another year.  In a game actually featuring Division 1-quality athletes, U$C
Condoms dominated ASU 44-24.  The Condoms recorded six sacks and held the
Stun Devils to 14 yards rushing.  It was almost as if Dirk “Hair” Koetter
had never left.  After the game, Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was
spotted tearfully putting his “Let’s Toast Victory” shot glass back on the
shelf in favor of his “Drowning My Sorrows” shot glass.  You’ve got to hand
it to the guy; he’s well prepared.

SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR JULIANNE D.

Cue up the famous “plastics” scene in “The Graduate.”  Now, in keeping with
that scene, the MMQB has just one word for you:

“Billiards.”

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 1

Predominantly black Delaware State has complained for years that the
predominantly white University of Delaware, despite being located an hour’s
drive away, has refused to schedule a game between the two.  The NCAA fixed
that by pairing the two in the first round of the 1AA playoffs.  A Hollywood
script would have the aggrieved Hornets blasting the condescending Blue
Hens.  But this ain’t Hollywood, baby, and Delaware outgained State 536-144
in a dominating 44-6 victory.  By the way, Blue Hen fans, the MMQB knows
where you can get some slightly used T-shirts reading “We’re not arrogant.
We’re just better than you” – cheap!

CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 2

As expected, on the heels of a Colorado loss in which they surrendered 65
points and the resulting non-bowl season, Nebraska sh*t-canned coach Bill
Callahan.  You will recall that Callahan, who was 27-21 in his Cornholer
career, was the guy brought in to quell the fears that Frank Solich (58-19
in his seven seasons) was allowing the program to “slip into mediocrity.”
Ole Miss similarly flushed its coach, Ed Orgeron.  The former Condom special
teams coach went 10-25 over three seasons, including a dismal 2007 in which
the Rebs were winless in the SEC and only 3-9 overall (their wins coming
over Memphis, La Tech and NW State, which is presumably a school somewhere
and not a correctional facility.)  You will recall that Orgeron replaced
David Cutliffe, who somehow managed to lure Eli Manning to Oxford to follow
in his father’s cleatsteps rather than going to Tennessee to follow in his
brother’s.   Cutliffe went 44-29 in six seasons, and was only one year
removed from the school’s first 10-win campaign in roughly forever when he
got the boot.  And don’t even get me started on Notre Shame’s decision to
kick Willingham to the curb, replace him with Fat Charlie, and then give the
rotund one a 10-year, $25 million contract extension mid-way through his
first f*ckin’ season.  AD’s are lucky that they don’t have to pass some sort
of competency test.  Decisions like these are why God invented the mulligan.

QUICK HITTERS

Best Argument For a Playoff System – Georgia defeated G-Tech 31-17.  The
Dawgs have been barkin’ lately, and they may well be one of the best two
teams (along with a suddenly healthy U$C Condom squad) in the country in the
moment.  Alas, they’ll never have a chance to prove it.  ***** Best Argument
Against a Playoff System – Let’s hear it for the Missouri Tigers and their
head coach, former U-Dub assistant Gary Pinkel!  They defeated previously
unbeaten Kansas and now are rated #1 in all the land.  If they can hold
serve against the Okies, they’re playing for all the marbles.  Pinkel
deserves serious kudos for spotting and recruiting talents like nifty if
undersized QB Chase Daniels and WR Jeremy Macklin (all he’s done is set the
all-time freshman total yards record) to Columbia, MO – not exactly the
white-hot center of the college football universe.  That sound you hear is a
chorus of Tyee boosters mumbling, “Told you so!” *****I Can’t Hear You! -
LSU, playing to keep its national title hopes alive, lost its second
three-OT game of the year, this time 50-48 to talented but one-dimensional
Arkansas.  Perhaps the Mouth of the South will finally take the MMQB’s
advice to sit back, put his feet up, and enjoy a hot, steaming cup of Shut
The F*ck Up.  ***** Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya -
Apparently one step ahead of the Lord High Executioner, A&M coach Dennis
Franchione resigned immediately following his Aggies’ upset of arch-rival
Texas.  For more inside information on the decision, Coach Fran has a blog
that dedicated readers can access for a mere $1500 an issue.  ***** Ain’t
Over ‘Til It’s Over – Chadron State (huh?) erased a 29-point fourth quarter
deficit to beat Abilene Christian 76-73 in three overtimes.  The game set a
record for the most total points ever scored in the Division II playoffs.
I’m sure Abilene Christian players are taking great comfort in their role in
making history.  ***** Like Son, Like Father? – Last year, Bobby Bowden made
the difficult decision to fire his own son, the fruit of his loins, as
Florida State offensive coordinator.  Following a 45-12 shellacking at the
hands of Urban Legend and the Gators, which culminated yet another 7-5
season, Semi-hole fans might be wondering if it’s not time for Bowden the
Elder to follow his son’s lead. ***** All Around Bad Day For Huskies – West
Virginia proved what many learned observers, including the MMQB, have felt
for some time:  that U-Conn was vastly overrated.  By smashing the HECE
(Huskies, East Coast Edition) 66-21, the Mountaineers not only stole
Cinderella’s glass slipper; they ran a Mac truck over it and peed on the
shards.  ***** They Kick Is Up …  - And the kick is good!  Clemson
defeated South Carolina 23-21 on a last-second field goal.  Immediately
after the play, Steve Superior drop-kicked his visor through the uprights.

That is all,

McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – Over the past couple years, a number of loyal (read:  deeply disturbed)
readers have suggested that the MMQB look for a way to syndicate his
ramblings and actually make a buck or seven off his dementia.  Not a bad
thought, but not exactly in keeping with the history and operating tenets of
the MMQB.  However, as I mentioned at the top of this week’s missive, this
is the holiday season.  So I humbly request that all readers – whether you
get this message directly from me or from a friend of a friend of your
cousin’s former boss who gets it from his garbage man – ask themselves to
put a price on the entertainment value received from reading this drivel
each week.  And then, in addition to whatever charitable contributions you
normally make this time of year, write one extra check in that amount to a
good cause.  (And in case you’re wondering, the University of Zero athletic
fund does NOT qualify as a good cause!) Thank you very much.