Monday Morning Quarterback

A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STADIUM IN AMERICA

True Confession:  falling temperatures, howling winds and horizontal rains
collectively injected a modicum of good sense into the usually feeble brains
of the Rumpled Publisher and me late Saturday morning, so we decided to
watch our beloved Pooches whilst sipping a few glasses of Guinness (“for
strength”) and basking in the warmth of a local eatery.  We then came to the
sad realization that perhaps our presence in the stadium itself was creating
some strange ripple in the force, because from a distance what we saw bore a
striking resemblance to a football team.  Oh sure, there were times,
especially during the first half, when our defensive backfield parted like
the thighs of a drunken prom queen, but any believer in truth, justice and
the American way has to be pleased with a second half effort that held the
Old-and-Bares to 115 total yards and a measly three points.  Not to mention
a running game that chewed up 334 yards, with two backs going well over the
century mark, and milked the clock with 18 consecutive running plays in the
fourth quarter.  After the game, Cal QB Nate “Not So Great” Longshore was
left shaking his head and saying, “We’re fighting for our lives right now,
trying to not let the wheels fall completely off.”  Uh, Nate, I hate to be
the one to break it to you, but when you were on the verge of becoming #1 in
all the land and now you’re #7 in the Pathetic10, having just had the
Huskydawgs shove the ball down your team’s collective throats, the lug nuts
are not only gone, but the oil pan is leaky and the tranny is throwing up
sparks as it skids along the asphalt.  And as nice as it was to see Good
Dawg Carl do well in managing the game for the home eleven, it will be even
better to see the Savior stroll across Lake Washington and onto the field
for the 100th Apple Cup.  It’s all good news for the Mutts.  Except for the
fact that the Ink-Stained Wretch and I are planning to be in the stands.
Unless, of course, it rains…

AFLACS PLAY LIKE NUMBER TWO; TITLE HOPES FLUSHED

What do you call a Duck with a national title ring?  A thief.
Wuh-ha-ha-ha-ha.  That’s right; thanks to our new best friends, the Arizona
Mildcats, fans of the University of Zero must continue to gaze longingly
northward should they want to take in the glorious sight of a college
football national title banner.  As it was, as it is, as it should be.
Thursday night, on a national television stage, the Slug-eaters became the
second-ranked team to go down like Larry Craig in a men’s room stall.  The
visitors from Anarchy Central took the field in a festive combination of
green helmets, white diamond-plate jerseys, and black diamond-plate pants.
You’ll notice that only one of these three is actually an official school
color, but that’s another story.  Superstitious Uck fans are blaming this
cursed uniform combination, in which the team is now 0-3, for the loss.
Fans of every other college football team are blaming this cursed uniform
combination for the loss of their lunch, but that’s another story, too.
Anyway, as hideous as the uniforms were, the game itself was a beautiful
thing to behold.  Before any of you little Quackerbackers get your feathers
all a-twitter, let me emphasize that the MMQB never likes to see an athlete
get hurt.  This is especially true of any performer the quality of Dennis
“The Menace” Dixon, who is said to be so distraught that he will purposely
forego his Billiards 107 mid-term exam, despite knowing that this brash
behavior puts at risk his inclusion on the dean’s list for this quarter.
But after watching Dixon go down, Brady “Turnover Anew” Leaf limping around
and multiple officials’ and replay calls (most accurately, but some perhaps
not so much) going the Mildcat way, one could only conclude that karma does
indeed even out.  It’s just so unusual – and so satisfying – to see it
concentrated within the happy confines of a single game.  For years, the
Ladies of the Knight have been the beneficiaries of a series of bizarre
circumstances that have kept their opponents’ key players out of one game
after another, not to mention incompetent officiating, odd bounces of the
ball, and God know what other tricks Phil has had up his swoosh-encrusted
sleeves.  While it hasn’t all evened out just yet – no, we are a long, long
way from the scales being truly balanced – what we saw in Tucson represents
a really nice down payment on that bill.  And with Dixon out for the count,
further L’s may well be on the horizon.   Life is good.

WHAT’S A COUGAR’S FAVORITE PASTRY?  THE TURNOVER!

Are we witnessing the end of the Yabba-Doba-Doo era in Pull-my-finger-man?
It certainly has that feel, doesn’t it?  The 20,000 lost souls who were
either too drunk or too delusional to get out of town for Thanksgiving break
were treated to a Wazzu offensive display that was truly … well,
offensive.  Alex “Season On The” Brink, having already set career marks for
passing yards and touchdowns, continued his quest to rewrite the Boog record
book.  He tied a school record for ineptitude with six interceptions, five
of them coming in the first half.  Imagine how atrocious he could have been
had the Barkrats not had half of their starting secondary suspended for the
first two quarters!  The rest of the team didn’t help much:  seven of their
first nine possessions ended in miscues, and they stumbled, bumbled and
fumbled their way to a total of eight turnovers during the game.  And that
doesn’t even count yet another unsuccessful fake punt, their fourth whiff in
the last two seasons.  We haven’t seen that kind of largesse since Ed
McMahon went on a three-day bender in a trailer park and nearly bankrupted
the Publishers Clearing House.  As a result, Pull-my-finger-man remains the
place where tractors go to rust and bowl dreams go to die.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Other than the games already so brilliantly summarized by your humble
reporter, there was no PAC to run with this weekend.  The U$C Condoms and
ASU Stun Devils are off until their big show down on Turkey Day.  And
speaking of turkeys, we are in the unusual and unenviable position of
cheering for Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson as additional insurance
against the Anarchists sharing in the conference crown (on the off chance
that Brady turns over a new Leaf and actually begins completing passes in
the Foul Fowls’ remaining games).  Meanwhile, Stunnedford and (f)UCLA were
also lounging around with their cleats on the furniture, waiting for Notre
Shame and Orygun, respectively, to visit their homes this coming Saturday.
Let’s hope they’re both well rested and deliver unto their visitors the
ass-kickin’s both so richly deserve.

THIS JUST IN

The University of Zero loss to the Mildcats Friday night foiled one of Uncle
Phil’s more devilishly fiendish plots.  Bear with me now, gentle readers,
bear with me.  Rewind your memory banks two weeks.  The Ucks were stuck in
third place in the B(c)S poll and, given their remaining games, they had
little chance to leapfrog either LSU or THE Ohio State University.  Clearly
something had to be done to clear a path for their undeserving title
aspirations.  Enter Uncle Phil, as usual. Here for your edification and
reading enjoyment is the unedited transcript of a cell phone call
intercepted by MMQB operatives:

Knight:  ”Here’s what you’re going to do, Jim.  Assign your worst
officiating crew to the Ohio State – Illinois game.  They’ll screw things up
somehow.”

Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney:  ”I can’t do that, Phil.  It’s the biggest
game of the year so far.”

Knight:  ”Listen to me, punk.  Eight of your eleven teams wear my stuff.  We
pay big bucks to your teams.  We own you.”

Delaney:  (sigh) “OK.”

Knight:  ”I beg your pardon?”

Delaney:  ”OK, your Highness.”

And, sure enough, an officiating crew facing a suspension for incompetence
ended up working the Buckeye – Illini game.  And, predictably enough, they
screwed the pooch, blowing a fumble call on Illinois’ first TD drive that
could have changed the whole complexion of the game.  So Uncle Phil’s plan
worked to perfection and Ohio State plummeted from the top of the polls.  In
the face of such dastardly shenanigans, and the spirit of the season, let us
all give sincere thanks that the AFLACs’ stay in the title hunt was
nevertheless blessedly short.

TINKER HATFIELD MUST DIE

As if we needed further evidence of the nearly irreparable damage inflected
on its innocent victims by the demented members of the Swoosh design team,
the MMQB offers two simple statistics for your consideration.  It’s been
seven seasons since Tinker and the Belles got their pansy-ass needles and
thread on the classic uniforms once donned by the Mutts of Montlake.  In
doing so, they have mutated our Beloved Purple and Gold into a
not-so-beloved mauve and beige, and have transformed our once-snarling
Huskydawgs into a pack of whimpering pups.  Over the course of these seven
years, U-Dub has gone a dismal 33-49 (winning percentage of 0.402, which in
baseball gets you into the hall of fame, but in college football gets you
b*tch-slapped behind the stadium.)  By way of comparison, during the seven
seasons before Uncle Phil’s henchmen wreaked havoc on our program (which
included most of the Jim Halfbright era, not exactly the Husky highpoint of
the last couple decades) the Pooches were an altogether respectable 55-27-1
(winning percentage of 0.671).  Somewhere in the darkest corner of a
Malaysian sweatshop, the Swooshmeisters have discovered some secret
energy-sapping chemical and devilishly infused it into any cloth even
remotely resembling a shade of purple.  The MMQB’s crack research team has
uncovered the evidence, Browns.  We have the photos, the journals, the
travel receipts, the wiretaps.  Your house of cards is about to fall.  It
will all be over soon.

QUICK HITTERS

Time To Polish The Resume – Kent Briggs was fired as head football coach at
Western Carolina last week, right after his team gave up 79 points to
arch-rival Appalachian State.  That whimpering noise you hear is Bill
Callaghan considering his future employment prospects in Lincoln.  *****
NBC, The Least Watched Network for College Football – Peacock executives had
to be thrilled with their multi-million dollar commitment to Notre Shame
football, especially when Saturday’s game pitted the 1-9 Rudies (#117 in
scoring and #119 in total offense out of 119 D-1 teams) against the 1-9 Blue
Devils of Puke (#111 and #117, respectively, in those two categories).
Despite the Catholics’ stirring 28-7 victory, Fat Charlie announced that he
would check in with his old pals on the Patriots’ staff for counsel after
the season.  Presumably their advice will include the phrase, “get a
telescope and a digital camera…” ***** Uff Da -Wisconsin came from behind
to nip Mini-soda 41-34 in the annual Lutefisk Bowl.  For the victory, The
“We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers get to keep the bowl, while the Golden
Gofers are left with the actual lutefisk. ***** Why Cubans Hate Thomas
Jefferson – Virginia Tech drilled Miami 44-14.  Over the past two weeks, the
Canes have been outscored 92-14 by teams from the Commonwealth of Virginia.
Fortunately for the denizens of South Beach, VMI isn’t on the schedule.
***** History 143 – Lafayette defeated Lehigh 21-17.  For those keeping
track, it was the 143rd meeting between the schools.  Simply knowing that
fact is enough to earn a football player three History credits at the
University of Zero, assuming of course that he’s not too busy playing
billiards. ***** Boolah Boolah – What report would be complete without a
quick update on Harvard-Yale?  The game was expected to be a close one, with
both teams coming into the game undefeated in Ivy League play.  But the
Crimson dominated the action, prevailing 37-6 and laying claim to the Lucky
Sperm Cup for another year. *****Rammer Jammer, Nail Your Thumb With a
Yellow Hammer – Ya think ‘Bama might have been looking forward to next
week’s Iron Bowl against arch-rival Auburn?  The Tide lost its third
straight as they were shut out in the second half of a 21-14 loss to lowly
Louisiana-Monroe.  After the massive upset, the MMQB respectfully suggests
that ‘Bama coach Nick Saban invest some of his $4 Million annual salary in a
little Kevlar to wear around Tuscaloosa.  *****Not In Kansas Anymore, Todo?
- The unbeaten Jayhawks annihilated Iowa State 45-7.  After the game, rumors
were flying that Mark Mangino would be headed to Alabama.  Not as the coach;
as the mascot.  ***** Sticky Fingers – Twenty Ole Miss players have been
suspended for stealing items from the team hotel before the last couple
games.  If only they’d been as good at holding onto the ball:  two turnovers
at the LSU goal line were their undoing in a 41-24 loss to the Tigers.
***** Keep Your Hands In Your Pockets, Joe – Wyoming lost to B-Y-Who 35-10.
But it was a moral victory for Cowboy head coach Joe Glenn, who refrained
from any obscene gestures this week.  You’ll recall that last week he
flipped the bird to the Utah sideline after the Utes tried an onside kick
while leading 43-0.  At that point, a little “you’re #1″ signal seemed in
order. ***** It Doesn’t Take A Rocket Scientist — …to know that when you
are blessed with a sensational talent like Darren McFadden, your team should
be better than 3-4 in conference play.  But this disappointing season,
coupled with parental revolt last offseason, reportedly has Arkansas coach
Nutt on his way out of Fayetteville.  ”Houston, we have a problem…”
*****Baby, You Can Drive My Carr … – … right out of Ann Arbor.  Michigan
coach Lloyd Carr, 1-6 in his last seven against the Buckeyes, is announcing
his retirement.   Carr’s trip into the sunset will be his only decent drive
of the week, as the Wolverines stumbled their way to a paltry 91 yards of
total offense against (T)OSU.  ***** Flip It, Flip It Good – The
commemorative coin used to start the UM-OSU game had Woody Hayes on one side
and Bo Schembechler on the other.  Unfortunately for the Big Ten, when the
coin was flipped, those images magically transformed into John McKay and
both teams came up losers.

That is all,