Monday Morning Quarterback

True story: I’m leaving the local casino Saturday night following an
especially productive session of Texas Hold ‘Em when what do I spy but a
middle-aged fellow in tattered green sweatshirt and a dirty, dingy “O” hat,
with a gun in his hand and tears rolling down his cheeks. Being the brave
Good Samaritan that I am, I asked what was wrong. “I’ve lost my job,” he
mumbled, voice barely above a whisper as he tried in vain to choke back the
tears. “I was trying to win enough money to pay the rent, and instead I
lost all my savings.” Thinking quickly in an attempt to find something
positive, I said, “Well, that’s not good, but I’m sure that you have
something to live for. I bet your family still loves you.” “No,” he wailed
in reply. “My wife just left me and took the kids.” Ouch. Clearly this
Good Sam stuff was going to be harder than I’d expected. Struggling with
what to say next, the best I could manage was, “Well, there’s always Jake.”
He looked at me quizzically, and asked, “Jake who?” “What are you waiting
for, you stupid son-of-a-bitch? Pull the f*cking trigger!”

IT’S COME TO THIS: A MORAL VICTORY … AGAINST THE BARKRATS

There were moments Saturday, as the Savor lay prostrate on the plasti-grass
of the Barkrat Bean Dip Bowl, that the MMQB seriously doubted his ability to
write anything about this game. But seeing Him rise from the dead as he did
and make his way to the sidelines before the game was over – no doubt
visiting a few terminal patients at Corvallis General before returning to
the stadium – was enough to put my shredded nerves to rest. And so I ask:
how could any sports fan be anything but proud of the gallant warriors of
the Beloved Purple and Gold, those overmatched but lovable mutts of
Montlake, after they battled so valiantly against the evil Barkrat Empire?
So many other teams, after watching their most (some would say, only)
talented player carted off on a stretcher, after having their emotional
heart ripped out like a Mayan virgin on the vernal equinox, would fold like
a poker player holding deuce-seven off-suit in the face of an all-in raise.
But not these plucky pooches! No, they kept coming back on the Barkrats
like bad Mexican food. And by dint of a couple of improbable long TD passes
and one horrific officials’ call (finally going in our favor) on Yvenson
“And Hedges” Bernard’s phantom phumble, the brave student-athletes
representing the Northwest’s pre-eminent public university came within a
whisker of pulling out an improbable and highly motivational victory. In
fact, if it weren’t for the uncanny accuracy of the Barkrats’ 17-year
veteran place-kicker, Alexis Serna “Perfect Sleeper,” who added five more
field goals to up his career mark against the Dawgs to 147 for 147, we might
have been able to replace the adjective “moral” with “improbable and
stirring come-from-behind” in describing the victory. Instead, we must face
the grim reality that for the first time in the 118-year history of
Washington football, our BP&G will log their fourth consecutive losing
season. Sigh…

LADIES OF THE KNIGHT PUT THEIR FEET UP FOR THE WEEK

Well here’s a surprise: the one time that the AFLACs have their QB a little
dinged up is the one week that they square off against the always-tough
B-Y-E. Of course, it’s not all beer and skittles for Dennis “The Menace”
Dixon, as his hot tub appointments and happy-ending messages, delivered by
Inga, the Elin Nordegren look-alike Swedish massage therapist Uncle Phil so
thoughtfully flies in from Stockholm, are occasionally interrupted by his
grueling academic schedule. In case you missed it, Dixon is emulating Matt
Leinert’s rigorous class schedule by enrolling in a single course. One.
Of course, any scholar-athlete could be forgiven a desire to coast just a
bit during the season if he were facing a ball-buster course like
Multivariate Calculus or Existential Philosophy. But the only balls Dixon
might be busting are on the break – his only course is Billiards. As in
Pool. Nine ball. Snooker. Ah, the rigors of academia in Eugene! I sure
hope the young man is able to recover in time for his team’s upcoming two
road tests against the ‘Zona Mildcats and the Ruins, who as per tradition
again will be led into battle with the AFLACs by a fourth-string quarterback
who is a converted wide receiver. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on
here, Browns – your swoosh-laden fingerprints are all over this sh*t…

CARDINAL SINS LIFT PALOUSE PUMAS TO POTENTIAL PRIZE

Having just scored to make the score 13-7, the Trees kicked off and the
Wazzu return man stereotypically couged it, fumbling to set up the visitors
from Palo Alto with a first and goal at the Boog four. Unfortunately, the
best that the Stunnedford offense could do was three ill-advised passes,
each into double coverage, and then settle for a field goal which not only
kept the Cougs in the lead but also gave them a huge boost in momentum, and
that was about that. Oh yeah, try to stifle that yawn when you learn that
Wazzu’s senior QB Alex “Season On The” Brink broke the school’s career
record for touchdown passes. It’s that kind of performance that has
reportedly made him a finalist for both the Wuerffel and Draddy Awards.
(Not to be bitter or anything, but do we need any further evidence that the
proliferation of college football awards has gotten more than a little out
of hand? Who the f*ck was Draddy, anyway?) Oh well, with this unimpressive
win over Stunnedford, the Boogs retain hopes of becoming bowl eligible,
hopes currently dangling by a very thin pubic hair. The MMQB believes the
best scenario would be for the Palouse Pussies to need a victory in the
Apple Cup (aka, the Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl) only to have their
hopes crash along the rocky shore of Lake Washington as revenge for 1982 and
1983. Unfortunately for Dawgfan entrepreneurs everywhere, I don’t think
that those “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bell Helicopter Armed
Forces Bowl” t-shirts are going to be real hot sellers.

SMALL COLLEGES GOING OUT NOT WITH A BANG BUT A WHIMPER

The fine scholar-athletes representing some of our favorite Northwest
institutions of higher learning are stumbling to the finish line. For
instance, the mighty Logs of U-Pay-Us knew they would have to watch the
turnovers if they were to upend two-time conference champion Whitworth. And
watch them they did, one right after another, as three first-half miscues
dug them a 27-point hole that they were never able to recover from in a
34-13 loss to the Pirates. Meanwhile, the Bare P*ssies of Willamette
surrendered eight quarterback sacks in a 17-10 loss to the PLUtes. (Cue
Fred Gwynne in My Cousin Vinny: “Did you say Utes?”)

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was able to lift his ceremonial shot
glass and toast another victory as his Stun Devils got back on track with a
24-20 victory over (f)UCLA. The game moves the Tortilla Tossers to 9-1 and
sets up a monumental clash with U$C in Tempe on Turkey Day. And speaking of
U$C, Chauncey “Didn’t Go To” Washington finally earned his booster paycheck
by going off for a career-best 220 yards rushing to help the Condoms wrap up
a 24-20 victory over Cal. The Fighting Tedheads were decked out in
throw-back uniforms, replacing their Tinker Hatfield designer duds.
Remember when you’d see the occasional throw-back jerseys on television and
think how quaint and goofy they looked in comparison to the uniforms of the
day? Now they just look classic …

ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S MMQB TEST REVEALED!

Well, I guess that just about settles that. Last week your most humble and
obedient servant asked whether Notre Shame or Nebraska was more pathetic at
this juncture. The Weis Guys promptly went out and got themselves dominated
by another service academy at home as Air Force ran around, through and over
them in a 41-24 victory that wasn’t as close as the score would indicate.
Fat Charlie has finally delivered on his promise to take the program places
it’s never been, as Our Ladies of Perpetual Fumbles have now lost nine games
in a season for the first time in school history. In fact, the only good
news for the Beadrubbers this week was that DNA evidence cleared the Gipper
in a paternity dispute 87 years after his death. So they got that going for
them. Meanwhile, in beautiful downtown Lincoln, N-Is-For-’Nowledge Nebraska
continued to stage its own demented version of That Seventies Show. One
week after getting roasted for 76 points by Kansas, the Cornholers hung a
cool 73 on K-State. Quarterback Joe Gann, who has replaced erstwhile Stun
Devil Sam “Psycho” Keller as Bill Callahan’s trigger man (a phrase many
Nebraska’s would like to interpret literally) passed for 510 yards and a
school-record seven TDs in the win.

A SPECIAL DOFFING OF THE MMQB CAP TO …

…Prairie View A&M! With the Panthers’ 30-27 victory over Jackson State,
the Texas school has notched its first winning season in 31 years! (That’s
nearly as long as Bobber has kept some of his golf shirts, the ones that
look like the purloined seat covers from a ‘62 VW.) Included in those
three-plus decades of utter futility were a record-setting 80 straight
losses in the 1990’s, nearly double the second-longest losing streak in 1-AA
history, Columbia’s infamous 44-game skid. PVA&M’s worst year might have
been 1991, when they scored a grand total of 48 points all season, while
given up an average of 56 per contest. The low point that year might have
been when they were outscored 194-0 in three consecutive games, proving once
that the MMQB’s storied career was not the high in lows that many
misinformed sports fans might make it out to be. Anyway, all that is but a
distant and happily fading memory now that the Panthers are going to record
a winning season. In other words, roughly the same warm and fuzzy feeling
we all can look forward to in another 28 years or so at U-Dub…

QUICK HITTERS

Friday Knights Lights – Not sure if Keira “Do Her” Knightly was watching or
not, but on Friday (k)night, the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers destroyed the
Black Knights of Army 41-6. The MMQB hasn’t seen a black knight so
thoroughly dominated since Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “‘Tis but a
flesh wound. Come back here! I’ll bite your legs off!” Meanwhile, Army is
considering outsourcing its football program to Halliburton. ***** Speaking
of the (No) Defense Department – Navy and North Texas both might want to
requisition a few more stoppers after their 74-62 shoot-out set a record for
most combined points scored in a major college game. The two teams also set
records for most points scored in a half, at 94, and in a quarter, 63.
Either the coaches made some key adjustments or the offenses got tired in
the second half, as they could only tack another 42 on the board in the
final two quarters. The Mean Green’s Giovanni Vizza threw an NCAA freshman
record 8 TD pass. Of course, he’s no Jimmy Clausen, mind you… ***** What
Were They, Stalling? – Compared to Navy and North Texas, Richmond and
Delaware are nothing but a couple of pikers. Sure, the Spiders rolled up 62
points to the Blue Hens’ mere 56, but it took them five overtimes to get
there. ***** Even at Home, Spurrier Can’t Go Home Again – One week after
being shredded for 486 yards rushing by Arkansas’ Darren McFadden and Felix
Jones, Spurrier’s Not-So-Gamecocks were more balanced in their ineptitude in
Saturday’s 51-31 loss to his alma mater. Gator QB Tim Tebow accounted for
seven TDs, but mixed it up with five rushing and two passing. Cheer up,
Steve: The season’s almost over and you can put that Augusta membership to
good use soon. *****They’ve Got a Fever and the Only Prescription is More
Cowbell! – Bulldog fans got plenty of opportunity to ring their traditional
noisemakers as Mississippi State upset Alabama 17-12. The turning point and
winning margin in the contest came in the form of a 100+ yard interception
return at the end of the first half. Meanwhile, Bear Bryant had dry heaves
in the void. ***** The Bear is Joined by Woody – Illinois knocked An Ohio
State University from the ranks of the unbeaten with a 28-21 victory in the
Big Horseshoe. (Once you lose a game, you lose the right to use that
presumptuous “The” in your name.) It was the first time an Illini team had
beaten a #1 team since 1956. You knew it was going to be a bad day for the
Buckeyes when their tuba player accidentally dotted the H in the band’s
traditional pre-game performance. *****Broncos Bully – With a 52-0
whitewashing of Utah State, Boise State moved to 8-0 since losing to U-Dub.
Would anyone really mind (or notice) if we switched to the WAC for a few
seasons? ***** Fear the Turtle – Maryland sent BC to its second consecutive
loss since peaking at #2 in the nation, 42-35. This was clearly not a good
day for the Catholics. ***** It’s the Burning in My Eyes, Coach! – After
rallying from 17 down to tie the score in the fourth quarter, the Louisville
defense, never to be confused with the old Steel Curtain, finally caved and
West Virginia escaped with a 38-31 victory. Word is that the Cardinal
defenders suffered from prolonged exposure to the Mountaineers’ neon
Cheeto-colored uniforms, a grotesquery of nearly Oregonian proportions.
***** Unlucky #13 – Cincinatti drilled #13 U-Conn 27-3, proving once and for
all that the East Coast Huskies were not “U-Conntenders” after all. *****
Greatest Product Plug Since Gator Aid – Kentucky slipped past Vanderbilt
27-20. What do you expect when the Wildcats represent KY? ***** It’s a Mad,
Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – Anyone looking for evidence of that wackiness has
replaced color and pageantry as the defining characteristic of college
football need look no further than Utah’s 50-0 destruction of Wyoming on
Saturday. Those possessing the same steel-trap memory as the MMQB (or
anyone stupid enough to read his weekly drivel) will recall that this is the
same Cowboy team that on the first weekend of the season upended Virginia,
which just happens to be leading the ACC Coastal Division. ***** Whammy II
- Speaking of the Cavs, they squared off against the Canes in Miami’s final
game in the historic Orange Bowl and walked out with a 48-0 victory. On the
bright side for Miami fans, despite getting shut out, the Canes did complete
nine passes, or exactly nine times as many as the one (one!) they completed
last week against NC State. Still, losing 48-0 in your final game in what
was once the most feared venue in college football must leave a pretty bad
taste in your mouth. Like that “who glued the dead possum to my tongue?”
feeling you get the morning after a long night of spicy nachos, bad cigars
and way too much cheap tequila. Or like having a certain Northwest team
which wears purple and gold but will remain nameless march into South
Florida and put an end to your 58-game home winning streak. Ah, the
memories … who doesn’t love curling up on the couch with a beer and some
chips and watching his video of The Whammy in Miami?

AND THE MMQB “OH COME ON NOW” AWARD GOES TO…

I try to play nice. Really I do. But sometimes public displays of
mind-numbing stupidity just send the MMQB right over the edge. Example:
I’m sitting there, watching ESPN’s “College Football Live” and just minding
my own business, when a message that insults the intelligence of every
viewer comes across my TV screen. It’s an e-mail submission from some
waste-of-skin idiot in Eugene, OR, and I quote, “Don’t compare Dennis Dixon
to Vince Young. Dixon is a more accurate passer and runs 100 times better!”
Now let’s face it, a comment like that scarcely deserves response. But the
MMQB is not one to keep the bat on his shoulder when presented with a fat
one down the center of the plate. It’s simply not why all you loyal readers
pay me the big bucks. I am nearly at a loss for words that will adequately
describe the utter and pitiable lunacy of our poor, delusional anarchist.
Nearly, but not quite. While the MMQB begrudgingly concedes that Dennis
Dixon is a very good player who will be in Gotham as a Heisman finalist (and
potential winner) this year, Vince Young is a transcendent,
once-in-a-generation freak of an athlete. Any reasonable fan would take
pride in one his players being compared to the Donghorn legend. Failure to
recognize the difference between the two is the especially annoying brand of
swoosh-blinded homerism that has made the University of Zero the crotch rot
of college sports, a supreme irritant to anyone coming into contact with it.
In fact, it’s this arriviste “look at me, look at me” attitude that is
driving all fair-minded fans of college football to pray to their respective
deities for divine providence in support of the Mildcats, Ruins, and
Barkrats; to root with all their might for LSU to continue winning; to kill
the fatted calf in hopes that either Kansas or Oklahoma will win out and get
a big bump in the strength of schedule column; and to hope Michigan goes
down like Larry Craig in an airport john when they play tOSU, thereby
hurting the Quacks’ strength-of-schedule factor, and anything else we can
think of. Hell, at this point, I’d settle for some monumental blunder by
Pathetic10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hanson, who could f*ck up a two-car
funeral. Or even your good, old-fashioned case of East Coast bias.
Anything, anything I tell you. This scourge must be stopped.

“We’re on a mission from God…”

McTavish O’Fishlivet