Monday Morning Quarterback

Phew.  That was close.  Having finally got to my motel room in the town of
my youth on a trip to check on my mother’s surgery recovery, I immediately
flipped on the Glass Teat.  What was the first play I saw but a wide-open
Anthony Russo dropping a sure touchdown pass?  I vowed on the spot that if
the Beloved Purple and Gold continued to play like Special Olympians, the
MMQB would immediately and irrevocably cancel his remaining installments of
insightful and unbiased commentary on the color and pageantry of college
football, and instead regale his loyal and long-suffering readers with
timely highlights from a wide range of other endeavors, including “Your
Friend, the Distributor Cap,” “Great Moments in British Cuisine,” and
“Celebrity Curling Bloopers.”  Fortunately, the Pooches came through with a
timely victory, saving us all from a month of reportage on Bea Arthur’s
bruised buttocks.  I would think that even our feathered fowl friends can
agree that this is a very, very good thing.

DAWGS LIFT COLLECTIVE LEGS ON TREES

For most the past month, the MMQB has looked pitifully at the Dawgs of
Defense, like Vito Corleone tearfully inspecting Sonny’s bullet-riddled
corpse lying coldly on the mortician’s slab.  ”Look at how they massacred my
boys…”  But for whatever reason – divine intervention perhaps – a defense
that has been giving it up like a $2 whore rose up like villagers storming
Frankenstein’s castle, holding the Trees to a mere 253 yards and 9
inconsequential points.  Remember, this was an offense that had hung 41
(that’s 13 more than the AFLAC juggernaut, folks) on the Condoms a few weeks
ago.  The other positive sign was the return of a running game:  Louis
“Happy Feet” Rankin “And Rating” (sorry, gratuitous Intel inside joke there)
piled up 255 yards, the most since rent-a-back Corey Dillon scorched the
Quackers for 259 back in 1996.  (Ah, those were the days, my friends; we
thought they’d never end…)  Meanwhile the Savior added another 97.
Redshirt frosh Locker has already gained more rushing yards this season than
any Mutt QB in history, and he is on pace to be the program’s first 1,000
yard rusher since Rashaan She-he-he-he, of the all-pronoun team.  We must
keep in mind that it was, after all, just Stunnedford, but a 27-9 victory
looks mighty, mighty fine after six straight defeats.  Think of it is the
moral equivalent of the bubble-headed bleach blonde bimbo who grows
increasingly attractive with each double scotch.  Not that the MMQB would
know anything about that…

“THUMGATE:” DEVILS STUNNED AS AFLAC SCREWS OVER CARPENTER

In the type of short-sighted insurance move that has driven addle-minded
Washington voters to the brink of approving the draconian R-67, the AFLACs
jerked around ASU QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, whose injured thumb was a
key factor knocking the Tempe Tortilla Tossers from the ranks of the
unbeaten.  To be perfectly fair – and God knows that the MMQB is nothing if
not fair – even a perfectly healthy Carpenter may not have had the tools to
offset the onslaught of the Flockers, their feathers all a-ruffled on
Saturday afternoon.  To add insult to the QB’s injury, the home team
unveiled their new Packers-on-Peyote look, green diamond-plate jerseys set
off sharply with cheddar-colored pants and, God help me I am not making this
sh*t up, bright yellow shoes.  I swear; with their rainbow coalition of
demented uniform combinations, the Slug-eaters spend more time going in and
out of the closet than Anne Heche at a bisexuals’ convention.
Nevertheless, it’s tough to deny the fact that Uncle Phil, the George
Steinbrenner of NCAA football, is the best owner in the game today, his
misdirected largesse helping his Ladies of the Knight reach heights
previously unimagined in even the most ganja-gorged brains of the denizens
of Anarchy Central.  All of which has the MMQB saying, “Quick, bring me the
bucket; I think I’m going to hurl.”  No wait, what I meant to say was, “Go
Buckeyes!  Go Tigers!”  Actually, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but
for the unaffiliated, pure fan of college football, the best national title
game probably would be the Bayou Bengals and the Willamette Valley Webfeet:
The immovable object LSU defense squaring off against the unstoppable force;
the Mouth of the South forced to back up his war of words on the Pathetic10
on the field.  Unfortunately, such a match-up would allow for the
possibility that some odd bounces of the old prolate spheroid (or some
covert payments, bizarre injuries, unbelievable replay calls, etc.) could
result in the – my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? – AFLACs being
crowned national champions, an outcome roughly akin to having your balls
shaved by Helga, a 375-pound blind lesbian with Parkinson’s disease and a
bad case of hiccups – in short, a fate far too horrendous for even a
nanosecond’s contemplation.

BOOGS STATE THEIR CASE

Just when you thought that Yaba-Doba-Doo and Co. had given up on their
season-long quest to take up residence in the basement of the Pathetic10,
they rise up and sleep-walk their way to a 20-17 loss to the reeling
California Old-and-Bares.  The bore-a-thon was essentially Alex “Season on
the” Brink’s career in a nutshell:  plenty of yards, but no victory.  After
watching some of this game, the MMQB is prepared to amend his earlier
prediction and declare the Apple Cup (aka, Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl)
a toss-up.

SMALL COLLEGE CORNER

Willamette rolled up 681 yards of offense in a 77-17 thrashing of Lewis and
Clark, which is apparently so bad that even Sacajewa has given up on them.
Meanwhile, the vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us battled bravely before
dropping a 45-13 nail-biter to Menlo.  Fortunately, Daughter MMQB the
Elder’s alma mater, the Whitworth Pirates (argh!) defended their conference
title with a 10-6 victory over visiting Linfield in the Pine Bowl.  All
kidding aside, it’s pretty cool to think that for these athletes, virtually
none of whom have any aspirations (or delusions) of professional sports,
this could be the crowning glory of their athletic careers.  Then there are
those of us who had no crowning glories in our athletic careers, but that’s
another long and tragic story…

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

The Ruins remain the Sybil of college football, one week up and the next
down.  This time, ‘Zona’s Willie Tuitama-lama-ding-dong shredded their
normally stingy defense for 341 yards passing, three TD’s and no
interceptions in a 34-27 Mildcat victory.  It appears his confidence got
something of a boost last week – go figure.  Meanwhile, the Condoms finally
turned in the type of dominating performance their boosters are paying good
money for:  a 24-3 Brazilian (aka, a waxing of the Beavers).  So to speak…
Which brings us to:

GREAT MOMENTS IN ENFORCEMENT HISTORY (DUM-DADDA-DADDA-DUM-DADDA-DUM

)

This week, NCAA investigators met with a disgruntled sports agent who claims
to have given nearly $300k in cash and other benefits to Reggie Bush and
family throughout his college career, Reg having apparently really put the $
back in U$C.  The witness, whose felony convictions may impair his
credibility a tad, also claims to have recordings of his conversations with
Bush, along with records of repayment, which would seem to prove that
benefits were received.  Reports are that Reggie magically began driving a
pimped out car and living in a luxury condo, while his family took up
residence in a $700,000 house without paying a nickel in rent for more than
a year.  All this took place, of course, under the noses of the U$C coaching
staff, whose skill in conveniently looking the other way rivals that of a
Swiss banker in 1940.  Let’s face it, U$C ought to be going down like
right-wing Rep. Richard Curtis dropping to the knees of his red fishnets in
a Spokane adult bookstore.  But we all know that this is the NCAA and this
is U$C, so we probably should expect more of a slap on the wrist than a kick
in the balls.

I DARE YOU TO TAKE THE MMQB TEST

Here’s a question that could stump even the studliest of the SAT studs at
Stunnedford.  Which traditional football power, Nebraska or Notre Dame, is
more pathetic at the moment?  Make your choice and defend your answer with
facts and data.  The case for Nebraska:  Lost to Kansas for the second time
in the last 39 games.  No, I mean really lost, as in allowing 76 points.
Once-big-now-not-so-much-Red has given up 70 points twice in school history
- both on Callahan’s watch.  The Cornholers sank to 4-6 after losing their
fifth straight for the first time in half a century.  Gave up 572 yards to
Kansas, with QB Todd Reesing throwing for six TDs and RB Brandon McAnderson
running for four more, as the Rock-Block-Jayhawks score TDs on ten (count
‘em, ten!) straight possessions.  The case for Notre Dame: 46-44 triple OT
loss to Navy broke an NCAA-record 43 game win streak against a single
opponent.  Roger the Dodger Staubach QB’ed the Middies the last time they
beat the Fighting Rudies.  Saturday’s game marked the first time in school
history that Touchdown Jesus has overseen five straight home losses.  The
“Genius” Charlie Weis made several questionable calls.  First, he eschewed a
potential game-winning FG from 41 yards out at the end of regulation and
subsequently watching his QB get sacked on the final play.  Then, in the
third OT, after getting a gift pass interference call on their first failed
two-point try and knowing that they needed a score to keep the game going,
he dialed up a vanilla off-tackle run that any Pop Warner team could sniff
out.  And snuff out.  Sorry, Charlie.

QUICK HITTERS

Big Doings in Big Sky Country – After beating Portland State 34-31, Montana
is now 6-0 in the Big Sky Conference and 9-0 overall.  Following the win,
Grizzly head coach Bobby Hauck, a Rick Sweatervest disciple, said it was
“extremely gratifying and personally satisfactioning to have our guys circle
the wagons all season and capture the general badlands and Black Hills area
championship.”  ***** Go Green – Dartmouth racked up 59 points in its
victory over Cornell.  Rumor has it the team was inspired by the Rumpled
Publisher’s challenge that they match his Quantitative Methods final exam
score.  ***** Price Is Not Right – After watching Rice QB Chase Clement
shred his Miners for 395 yards passing and another 103 yards rushing in a
56-48 loss, Mike Price was last seen driving straight past his favorite
strip club while singing “Fight, fight, fight for Washington State…”
*****Maybe Just Play Three Quarters – For the third season in a row, Texas
came from way back to nip Oklahoma State.   This time the Donghorns scored
24 unanswered points in the fourth quarter to win 38-35.  After the game,
Cowpoke coach Mike Gundy called Dean Smith for some pointers on the
four-corner offense. ***** Speaking of Good Fourth Quarters — LSU staged an
impressive comeback to nip ‘Bama and former coach Nick Saban.  Or Satan, as
he’s now known in Baton Rouge.  ***** Vandalized Again – Idaho had contained
the La Tech offense all game, leading 16-14 with less than six minutes to
play.  Then they caved, giving up back-to-back 70+ yard drives (one of which
was only one play) to lose 28-16, their eighth straight defeat.  Coach Rob
Akey “Breaky” was so despondent that he could barely execute his trademark
sideline jumps.  Look at the bright side, Rob; you could still be in
Pullman.  ***** Can’t Hold That Kitty – Clemson creamed Duke 47-10.  In
other surprising news, new pictures of Brittany Spears genitalia have
surfaced.  ***** Fun While It Lasted – BC became the 192nd team to lose upon
being ranked #2 in the nation this year.  The loss was especially tough on
senior QB Matt Ryan, whose third interception of the game was a pick-six
that sealed the Eagles’ fate.  In fact, he was almost as broken up as the
MMQB, who saw the AFLACs creep one step closer to the national title game.
******  Sacked in the Horseshoe – The THE Ohio State University defense
sacked the We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers QB ten times in a 38-17
victory.  When last seen, Lenny “Chili Dipper” Sorrin was drowning his
sorrows in a mountain of brats and a sea of lukewarm brew, and
semi-coherently muttering, “I love a good Polka …”

“OK, Chief.  When I throw you the ball, I want you to put it in the basket;
reach right up there and put that ball in the f*ckin’ basket, Chief…”

McTavish O’Fishlivet