The Holiday season is now officially upon us. I know that retail outlets
have had their Christmas doo-dads up since Groundhog’s Day, but all the
genuine signs are now here. Freddie Couples once again has pocketed enough
dough to buy a suburban rambler at the Skins Game, the former broadcaster
once again has stapled his thumbs to the eaves in his feverish quest to
install 24,000 Christmas lights in less than a day, and – most telling of
all – Achmed once again has unleashed his final turkey fart. At least we
are hoping and praying that’s the case. We could be wrong. Which would be
bad news for the entire Gaspumper (no pun intended) State. Anyway, all of
this means that the college football season is once again coming to a close.
For fans of a select few teams, that means spirited debates regarding the
relative weight the BCS should place on non-conference victories over Our
Ladies of Corporal Punishment in determining which who should play for the
Mythical National Title. For fans of other schools, it means hoping that
the bowl winds will blow toward Maui rather than El Paso. But for the MMQB
and his BP&G, it simply means that another disappointing season is about to
grind to a uncomfortable conclusion, like grains of sand caught in a thong.
Forgive me if I’m not all peace and joy at the moment, but
JesusHChristonastick, is it too much to ask for a little competence along
the way? I don’t think so.
DAWGS PUT THE ROTTEN BACK INTO “ROTTEN APPLE” CUP
You can tell a lot about a game by the first play. In the case of the 100th
playing of the Apple Cup, watching Louis Rankin “And Rating” knife through
the Booger defenders for a touchdown on the opening kick-off, the first
thing that entered the MMQB’s mind was, “I’m hoping we don’t peak too soon.”
Damn, but it’s tough being prescient. In a game that was a microcosm for
the entire Mutt season, the home team failed to fully capitalize on its
early success and instead let the enemy, a team coming off a physically
punishing and mentally dispiriting loss, stick around and eventually take
the contest. Alex “Career On The” Brink, fresh off his six pick outing
against the Barkrats, roasted and toasted the Pooch secondary for nearly 400
yards, five TD’s and no interceptions. Of course, to get the occasional
interception, it would help to have a defensive back within, oh let’s say,
the same area code as the intended receiver every once in a while. Is that
too effing much to ask? How a defensive backfield can let a receiver get
free by at least 15 yards for a long TD pass with less than a minute to play
is beyond comprehension – or excuse. In doing so, our boys may have
graciously saved the job of Bill Yaba-Doba-Doo, who headed into the contest
with all the job security of a 285 pound stripper with acne and an overbite.
And speaking of coaches, what I wouldn’t give to see Mr. Personality go
postal just once. I’m thinking of the classic scene from “Bull Durham,”
with Willingham rounding up his players, and screaming, “What’s our record,
Tormey?”
“4-8.”
“4-8 … How’d we ever win 4?”
“It’s a miracle…”
“It’s a miracle. You guys, you lollygag around the line of scrimmage. You
lollygag around the backfield. You lollygag on special teams. You know
what that makes you? Tormey …”
“Lollygaggers.”
“Lollygaggers!”
Of course, it wouldn’t really accomplish anything, but it would be fun to
watch. Right now, the MMQB is just hoping that Red Lobster is a premiere
sponsor of Hawaii football, because Brennan and those receivers are going to
need some plastic bibs to catch all the drool they’re going to produce when
watching film of this defense. In the words of Foghorn Leghorn:
“Y-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-c-c-c-h.” Oh, and in the category of coming attractions:
The MMQB is holding off on delivering his grades of the coaching staff until
after next week’s expected debacle in Honolululululululu, but let me assure
interested readers, they will be fair; they will be accurate; but like so
many things this season, they will NOT be pretty.
UNIVERSITY OF ZERO SAVORS ROSEBOWL TRIP
You have got to hand it to the Quackers. Down to their third-string QB,
they still had the intestinal fortitude to travel to the Rose Bowl (their
only trip of the year to that hallowed venue, the MMQB will helpfully point
out) and shut out the (f)UCLA Ruins. Man, what an effort! What dedication!
What grit! What’s that you say? The AFLACs were the ones who got shut out?
For the first time in 22 years? Held to 148 yards of total offense? Oops,
my bad. In the words of Emily Latella, “never mind.” (Sweet smile.) In
fairness to the Ladies of the Knight (and the MMQB is nothing if not fair
when it comes to those cheating, slug-eating pieces of Duck sh*t), it has to
be tough when your team is down to never-used Cody (Un)Kempt and Justin
(G)Roper as signal-callers. Then you saddle them with the extra burden of
uniforms that look like a cross between Penn State and a Chevy Silverado ½
ton pickup – complete with white helmets (thereby destroying the old myth
that the good guys are always the ones in the white hats). It was simply
too much to overcome. On the other hand, since U-Ho obviously places such a
high priority on its fashion statements, the MMQB must salute the beautiful
symmetry the Quackers produced between their helmet logo and their scoring
column. ’Twas a thing o’ beauty, ’twas. Given recent developments, one
wonders whether a pack of snarlin’ Barkrats might just be able to overcome
the loss of their do-everything running back Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard
and still invade Anarchy Central, storm the Concrete Bunker, take the Field
Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record, and emerge victorious. Oh,
but we can hope and pray, can’t we?
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Much of the conference was again idle this week, but Stunnedford managed to
lose to Notre Shame in the annual match up of Ty Willingham’s former
employers. The Weis Guys pulled off their longest play of the year, a 46
yard run, on the opening drive and then withstood a late Tree rally to win
21-14. With the victory, the Beadrubbers will retain the Pretension Cup for
another year. In a game actually featuring Division 1-quality athletes, U$C
Condoms dominated ASU 44-24. The Condoms recorded six sacks and held the
Stun Devils to 14 yards rushing. It was almost as if Dirk “Hair” Koetter
had never left. After the game, Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was
spotted tearfully putting his “Let’s Toast Victory” shot glass back on the
shelf in favor of his “Drowning My Sorrows” shot glass. You’ve got to hand
it to the guy; he’s well prepared.
SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR JULIANNE D.
Cue up the famous “plastics” scene in “The Graduate.” Now, in keeping with
that scene, the MMQB has just one word for you:
“Billiards.”
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 1
Predominantly black Delaware State has complained for years that the
predominantly white University of Delaware, despite being located an hour’s
drive away, has refused to schedule a game between the two. The NCAA fixed
that by pairing the two in the first round of the 1AA playoffs. A Hollywood
script would have the aggrieved Hornets blasting the condescending Blue
Hens. But this ain’t Hollywood, baby, and Delaware outgained State 536-144
in a dominating 44-6 victory. By the way, Blue Hen fans, the MMQB knows
where you can get some slightly used T-shirts reading “We’re not arrogant.
We’re just better than you” – cheap!
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, VOLUME 2
As expected, on the heels of a Colorado loss in which they surrendered 65
points and the resulting non-bowl season, Nebraska sh*t-canned coach Bill
Callahan. You will recall that Callahan, who was 27-21 in his Cornholer
career, was the guy brought in to quell the fears that Frank Solich (58-19
in his seven seasons) was allowing the program to “slip into mediocrity.”
Ole Miss similarly flushed its coach, Ed Orgeron. The former Condom special
teams coach went 10-25 over three seasons, including a dismal 2007 in which
the Rebs were winless in the SEC and only 3-9 overall (their wins coming
over Memphis, La Tech and NW State, which is presumably a school somewhere
and not a correctional facility.) You will recall that Orgeron replaced
David Cutliffe, who somehow managed to lure Eli Manning to Oxford to follow
in his father’s cleatsteps rather than going to Tennessee to follow in his
brother’s. Cutliffe went 44-29 in six seasons, and was only one year
removed from the school’s first 10-win campaign in roughly forever when he
got the boot. And don’t even get me started on Notre Shame’s decision to
kick Willingham to the curb, replace him with Fat Charlie, and then give the
rotund one a 10-year, $25 million contract extension mid-way through his
first f*ckin’ season. AD’s are lucky that they don’t have to pass some sort
of competency test. Decisions like these are why God invented the mulligan.
QUICK HITTERS
Best Argument For a Playoff System – Georgia defeated G-Tech 31-17. The
Dawgs have been barkin’ lately, and they may well be one of the best two
teams (along with a suddenly healthy U$C Condom squad) in the country in the
moment. Alas, they’ll never have a chance to prove it. ***** Best Argument
Against a Playoff System – Let’s hear it for the Missouri Tigers and their
head coach, former U-Dub assistant Gary Pinkel! They defeated previously
unbeaten Kansas and now are rated #1 in all the land. If they can hold
serve against the Okies, they’re playing for all the marbles. Pinkel
deserves serious kudos for spotting and recruiting talents like nifty if
undersized QB Chase Daniels and WR Jeremy Macklin (all he’s done is set the
all-time freshman total yards record) to Columbia, MO – not exactly the
white-hot center of the college football universe. That sound you hear is a
chorus of Tyee boosters mumbling, “Told you so!” *****I Can’t Hear You! -
LSU, playing to keep its national title hopes alive, lost its second
three-OT game of the year, this time 50-48 to talented but one-dimensional
Arkansas. Perhaps the Mouth of the South will finally take the MMQB’s
advice to sit back, put his feet up, and enjoy a hot, steaming cup of Shut
The F*ck Up. ***** Don’t Let The Door Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya -
Apparently one step ahead of the Lord High Executioner, A&M coach Dennis
Franchione resigned immediately following his Aggies’ upset of arch-rival
Texas. For more inside information on the decision, Coach Fran has a blog
that dedicated readers can access for a mere $1500 an issue. ***** Ain’t
Over ‘Til It’s Over – Chadron State (huh?) erased a 29-point fourth quarter
deficit to beat Abilene Christian 76-73 in three overtimes. The game set a
record for the most total points ever scored in the Division II playoffs.
I’m sure Abilene Christian players are taking great comfort in their role in
making history. ***** Like Son, Like Father? – Last year, Bobby Bowden made
the difficult decision to fire his own son, the fruit of his loins, as
Florida State offensive coordinator. Following a 45-12 shellacking at the
hands of Urban Legend and the Gators, which culminated yet another 7-5
season, Semi-hole fans might be wondering if it’s not time for Bowden the
Elder to follow his son’s lead. ***** All Around Bad Day For Huskies – West
Virginia proved what many learned observers, including the MMQB, have felt
for some time: that U-Conn was vastly overrated. By smashing the HECE
(Huskies, East Coast Edition) 66-21, the Mountaineers not only stole
Cinderella’s glass slipper; they ran a Mac truck over it and peed on the
shards. ***** They Kick Is Up … - And the kick is good! Clemson
defeated South Carolina 23-21 on a last-second field goal. Immediately
after the play, Steve Superior drop-kicked his visor through the uprights.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – Over the past couple years, a number of loyal (read: deeply disturbed)
readers have suggested that the MMQB look for a way to syndicate his
ramblings and actually make a buck or seven off his dementia. Not a bad
thought, but not exactly in keeping with the history and operating tenets of
the MMQB. However, as I mentioned at the top of this week’s missive, this
is the holiday season. So I humbly request that all readers – whether you
get this message directly from me or from a friend of a friend of your
cousin’s former boss who gets it from his garbage man – ask themselves to
put a price on the entertainment value received from reading this drivel
each week. And then, in addition to whatever charitable contributions you
normally make this time of year, write one extra check in that amount to a
good cause. (And in case you’re wondering, the University of Zero athletic
fund does NOT qualify as a good cause!) Thank you very much.
OK, class; today’s assignment is to define “the perfect weekend.” For most,
that definition includes some combination of a private jet to Augusta for 36
at The National with Tiger and Jack, followed by a fine repast of steak,
lobster and a few bottles of Chateau Petrus 1948, and an evening (or two) of
creative debauchery with an olive oil-slathered trifecta of Scarlett
Johansson, Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie. Not bad, no, not bad at all.
But in the MMQB’s book, that would run a close second to the magical weekend
when the Beloved Purple and Gold overcome long odds to savor an unexpected
victory, the Boogs implode like the Hindenburg and the Zeroes once again
wave good-bye to their national title hopes. And then bring on Augusta,
dinner and the wenches!
A BEAUTIFUL AFTERNOON IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STADIUM IN AMERICA
True Confession: falling temperatures, howling winds and horizontal rains
collectively injected a modicum of good sense into the usually feeble brains
of the Rumpled Publisher and me late Saturday morning, so we decided to
watch our beloved Pooches whilst sipping a few glasses of Guinness (“for
strength”) and basking in the warmth of a local eatery. We then came to the
sad realization that perhaps our presence in the stadium itself was creating
some strange ripple in the force, because from a distance what we saw bore a
striking resemblance to a football team. Oh sure, there were times,
especially during the first half, when our defensive backfield parted like
the thighs of a drunken prom queen, but any believer in truth, justice and
the American way has to be pleased with a second half effort that held the
Old-and-Bares to 115 total yards and a measly three points. Not to mention
a running game that chewed up 334 yards, with two backs going well over the
century mark, and milked the clock with 18 consecutive running plays in the
fourth quarter. After the game, Cal QB Nate “Not So Great” Longshore was
left shaking his head and saying, “We’re fighting for our lives right now,
trying to not let the wheels fall completely off.” Uh, Nate, I hate to be
the one to break it to you, but when you were on the verge of becoming #1 in
all the land and now you’re #7 in the Pathetic10, having just had the
Huskydawgs shove the ball down your team’s collective throats, the lug nuts
are not only gone, but the oil pan is leaky and the tranny is throwing up
sparks as it skids along the asphalt. And as nice as it was to see Good
Dawg Carl do well in managing the game for the home eleven, it will be even
better to see the Savior stroll across Lake Washington and onto the field
for the 100th Apple Cup. It’s all good news for the Mutts. Except for the
fact that the Ink-Stained Wretch and I are planning to be in the stands.
Unless, of course, it rains…
AFLACS PLAY LIKE NUMBER TWO; TITLE HOPES FLUSHED
What do you call a Duck with a national title ring? A thief.
Wuh-ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s right; thanks to our new best friends, the Arizona
Mildcats, fans of the University of Zero must continue to gaze longingly
northward should they want to take in the glorious sight of a college
football national title banner. As it was, as it is, as it should be.
Thursday night, on a national television stage, the Slug-eaters became the
second-ranked team to go down like Larry Craig in a men’s room stall. The
visitors from Anarchy Central took the field in a festive combination of
green helmets, white diamond-plate jerseys, and black diamond-plate pants.
You’ll notice that only one of these three is actually an official school
color, but that’s another story. Superstitious Uck fans are blaming this
cursed uniform combination, in which the team is now 0-3, for the loss.
Fans of every other college football team are blaming this cursed uniform
combination for the loss of their lunch, but that’s another story, too.
Anyway, as hideous as the uniforms were, the game itself was a beautiful
thing to behold. Before any of you little Quackerbackers get your feathers
all a-twitter, let me emphasize that the MMQB never likes to see an athlete
get hurt. This is especially true of any performer the quality of Dennis
“The Menace” Dixon, who is said to be so distraught that he will purposely
forego his Billiards 107 mid-term exam, despite knowing that this brash
behavior puts at risk his inclusion on the dean’s list for this quarter.
But after watching Dixon go down, Brady “Turnover Anew” Leaf limping around
and multiple officials’ and replay calls (most accurately, but some perhaps
not so much) going the Mildcat way, one could only conclude that karma does
indeed even out. It’s just so unusual – and so satisfying – to see it
concentrated within the happy confines of a single game. For years, the
Ladies of the Knight have been the beneficiaries of a series of bizarre
circumstances that have kept their opponents’ key players out of one game
after another, not to mention incompetent officiating, odd bounces of the
ball, and God know what other tricks Phil has had up his swoosh-encrusted
sleeves. While it hasn’t all evened out just yet – no, we are a long, long
way from the scales being truly balanced – what we saw in Tucson represents
a really nice down payment on that bill. And with Dixon out for the count,
further L’s may well be on the horizon. Life is good.
WHAT’S A COUGAR’S FAVORITE PASTRY? THE TURNOVER!
Are we witnessing the end of the Yabba-Doba-Doo era in Pull-my-finger-man?
It certainly has that feel, doesn’t it? The 20,000 lost souls who were
either too drunk or too delusional to get out of town for Thanksgiving break
were treated to a Wazzu offensive display that was truly … well,
offensive. Alex “Season On The” Brink, having already set career marks for
passing yards and touchdowns, continued his quest to rewrite the Boog record
book. He tied a school record for ineptitude with six interceptions, five
of them coming in the first half. Imagine how atrocious he could have been
had the Barkrats not had half of their starting secondary suspended for the
first two quarters! The rest of the team didn’t help much: seven of their
first nine possessions ended in miscues, and they stumbled, bumbled and
fumbled their way to a total of eight turnovers during the game. And that
doesn’t even count yet another unsuccessful fake punt, their fourth whiff in
the last two seasons. We haven’t seen that kind of largesse since Ed
McMahon went on a three-day bender in a trailer park and nearly bankrupted
the Publishers Clearing House. As a result, Pull-my-finger-man remains the
place where tractors go to rust and bowl dreams go to die.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Other than the games already so brilliantly summarized by your humble
reporter, there was no PAC to run with this weekend. The U$C Condoms and
ASU Stun Devils are off until their big show down on Turkey Day. And
speaking of turkeys, we are in the unusual and unenviable position of
cheering for Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson as additional insurance
against the Anarchists sharing in the conference crown (on the off chance
that Brady turns over a new Leaf and actually begins completing passes in
the Foul Fowls’ remaining games). Meanwhile, Stunnedford and (f)UCLA were
also lounging around with their cleats on the furniture, waiting for Notre
Shame and Orygun, respectively, to visit their homes this coming Saturday.
Let’s hope they’re both well rested and deliver unto their visitors the
ass-kickin’s both so richly deserve.
THIS JUST IN
The University of Zero loss to the Mildcats Friday night foiled one of Uncle
Phil’s more devilishly fiendish plots. Bear with me now, gentle readers,
bear with me. Rewind your memory banks two weeks. The Ucks were stuck in
third place in the B(c)S poll and, given their remaining games, they had
little chance to leapfrog either LSU or THE Ohio State University. Clearly
something had to be done to clear a path for their undeserving title
aspirations. Enter Uncle Phil, as usual. Here for your edification and
reading enjoyment is the unedited transcript of a cell phone call
intercepted by MMQB operatives:
Knight: ”Here’s what you’re going to do, Jim. Assign your worst
officiating crew to the Ohio State – Illinois game. They’ll screw things up
somehow.”
Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney: ”I can’t do that, Phil. It’s the biggest
game of the year so far.”
Knight: ”Listen to me, punk. Eight of your eleven teams wear my stuff. We
pay big bucks to your teams. We own you.”
Delaney: (sigh) “OK.”
Knight: ”I beg your pardon?”
Delaney: ”OK, your Highness.”
And, sure enough, an officiating crew facing a suspension for incompetence
ended up working the Buckeye – Illini game. And, predictably enough, they
screwed the pooch, blowing a fumble call on Illinois’ first TD drive that
could have changed the whole complexion of the game. So Uncle Phil’s plan
worked to perfection and Ohio State plummeted from the top of the polls. In
the face of such dastardly shenanigans, and the spirit of the season, let us
all give sincere thanks that the AFLACs’ stay in the title hunt was
nevertheless blessedly short.
TINKER HATFIELD MUST DIE
As if we needed further evidence of the nearly irreparable damage inflected
on its innocent victims by the demented members of the Swoosh design team,
the MMQB offers two simple statistics for your consideration. It’s been
seven seasons since Tinker and the Belles got their pansy-ass needles and
thread on the classic uniforms once donned by the Mutts of Montlake. In
doing so, they have mutated our Beloved Purple and Gold into a
not-so-beloved mauve and beige, and have transformed our once-snarling
Huskydawgs into a pack of whimpering pups. Over the course of these seven
years, U-Dub has gone a dismal 33-49 (winning percentage of 0.402, which in
baseball gets you into the hall of fame, but in college football gets you
b*tch-slapped behind the stadium.) By way of comparison, during the seven
seasons before Uncle Phil’s henchmen wreaked havoc on our program (which
included most of the Jim Halfbright era, not exactly the Husky highpoint of
the last couple decades) the Pooches were an altogether respectable 55-27-1
(winning percentage of 0.671). Somewhere in the darkest corner of a
Malaysian sweatshop, the Swooshmeisters have discovered some secret
energy-sapping chemical and devilishly infused it into any cloth even
remotely resembling a shade of purple. The MMQB’s crack research team has
uncovered the evidence, Browns. We have the photos, the journals, the
travel receipts, the wiretaps. Your house of cards is about to fall. It
will all be over soon.
QUICK HITTERS
Time To Polish The Resume – Kent Briggs was fired as head football coach at
Western Carolina last week, right after his team gave up 79 points to
arch-rival Appalachian State. That whimpering noise you hear is Bill
Callaghan considering his future employment prospects in Lincoln. *****
NBC, The Least Watched Network for College Football – Peacock executives had
to be thrilled with their multi-million dollar commitment to Notre Shame
football, especially when Saturday’s game pitted the 1-9 Rudies (#117 in
scoring and #119 in total offense out of 119 D-1 teams) against the 1-9 Blue
Devils of Puke (#111 and #117, respectively, in those two categories).
Despite the Catholics’ stirring 28-7 victory, Fat Charlie announced that he
would check in with his old pals on the Patriots’ staff for counsel after
the season. Presumably their advice will include the phrase, “get a
telescope and a digital camera…” ***** Uff Da -Wisconsin came from behind
to nip Mini-soda 41-34 in the annual Lutefisk Bowl. For the victory, The
“We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers get to keep the bowl, while the Golden
Gofers are left with the actual lutefisk. ***** Why Cubans Hate Thomas
Jefferson – Virginia Tech drilled Miami 44-14. Over the past two weeks, the
Canes have been outscored 92-14 by teams from the Commonwealth of Virginia.
Fortunately for the denizens of South Beach, VMI isn’t on the schedule.
***** History 143 – Lafayette defeated Lehigh 21-17. For those keeping
track, it was the 143rd meeting between the schools. Simply knowing that
fact is enough to earn a football player three History credits at the
University of Zero, assuming of course that he’s not too busy playing
billiards. ***** Boolah Boolah – What report would be complete without a
quick update on Harvard-Yale? The game was expected to be a close one, with
both teams coming into the game undefeated in Ivy League play. But the
Crimson dominated the action, prevailing 37-6 and laying claim to the Lucky
Sperm Cup for another year. *****Rammer Jammer, Nail Your Thumb With a
Yellow Hammer – Ya think ‘Bama might have been looking forward to next
week’s Iron Bowl against arch-rival Auburn? The Tide lost its third
straight as they were shut out in the second half of a 21-14 loss to lowly
Louisiana-Monroe. After the massive upset, the MMQB respectfully suggests
that ‘Bama coach Nick Saban invest some of his $4 Million annual salary in a
little Kevlar to wear around Tuscaloosa. *****Not In Kansas Anymore, Todo?
- The unbeaten Jayhawks annihilated Iowa State 45-7. After the game, rumors
were flying that Mark Mangino would be headed to Alabama. Not as the coach;
as the mascot. ***** Sticky Fingers – Twenty Ole Miss players have been
suspended for stealing items from the team hotel before the last couple
games. If only they’d been as good at holding onto the ball: two turnovers
at the LSU goal line were their undoing in a 41-24 loss to the Tigers.
***** Keep Your Hands In Your Pockets, Joe – Wyoming lost to B-Y-Who 35-10.
But it was a moral victory for Cowboy head coach Joe Glenn, who refrained
from any obscene gestures this week. You’ll recall that last week he
flipped the bird to the Utah sideline after the Utes tried an onside kick
while leading 43-0. At that point, a little “you’re #1″ signal seemed in
order. ***** It Doesn’t Take A Rocket Scientist — …to know that when you
are blessed with a sensational talent like Darren McFadden, your team should
be better than 3-4 in conference play. But this disappointing season,
coupled with parental revolt last offseason, reportedly has Arkansas coach
Nutt on his way out of Fayetteville. ”Houston, we have a problem…”
*****Baby, You Can Drive My Carr … – … right out of Ann Arbor. Michigan
coach Lloyd Carr, 1-6 in his last seven against the Buckeyes, is announcing
his retirement. Carr’s trip into the sunset will be his only decent drive
of the week, as the Wolverines stumbled their way to a paltry 91 yards of
total offense against (T)OSU. ***** Flip It, Flip It Good – The
commemorative coin used to start the UM-OSU game had Woody Hayes on one side
and Bo Schembechler on the other. Unfortunately for the Big Ten, when the
coin was flipped, those images magically transformed into John McKay and
both teams came up losers.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
True story: I’m leaving the local casino Saturday night following an
especially productive session of Texas Hold ‘Em when what do I spy but a
middle-aged fellow in tattered green sweatshirt and a dirty, dingy “O” hat,
with a gun in his hand and tears rolling down his cheeks. Being the brave
Good Samaritan that I am, I asked what was wrong. “I’ve lost my job,” he
mumbled, voice barely above a whisper as he tried in vain to choke back the
tears. “I was trying to win enough money to pay the rent, and instead I
lost all my savings.” Thinking quickly in an attempt to find something
positive, I said, “Well, that’s not good, but I’m sure that you have
something to live for. I bet your family still loves you.” “No,” he wailed
in reply. “My wife just left me and took the kids.” Ouch. Clearly this
Good Sam stuff was going to be harder than I’d expected. Struggling with
what to say next, the best I could manage was, “Well, there’s always Jake.”
He looked at me quizzically, and asked, “Jake who?” “What are you waiting
for, you stupid son-of-a-bitch? Pull the f*cking trigger!”
IT’S COME TO THIS: A MORAL VICTORY … AGAINST THE BARKRATS
There were moments Saturday, as the Savor lay prostrate on the plasti-grass
of the Barkrat Bean Dip Bowl, that the MMQB seriously doubted his ability to
write anything about this game. But seeing Him rise from the dead as he did
and make his way to the sidelines before the game was over – no doubt
visiting a few terminal patients at Corvallis General before returning to
the stadium – was enough to put my shredded nerves to rest. And so I ask:
how could any sports fan be anything but proud of the gallant warriors of
the Beloved Purple and Gold, those overmatched but lovable mutts of
Montlake, after they battled so valiantly against the evil Barkrat Empire?
So many other teams, after watching their most (some would say, only)
talented player carted off on a stretcher, after having their emotional
heart ripped out like a Mayan virgin on the vernal equinox, would fold like
a poker player holding deuce-seven off-suit in the face of an all-in raise.
But not these plucky pooches! No, they kept coming back on the Barkrats
like bad Mexican food. And by dint of a couple of improbable long TD passes
and one horrific officials’ call (finally going in our favor) on Yvenson
“And Hedges” Bernard’s phantom phumble, the brave student-athletes
representing the Northwest’s pre-eminent public university came within a
whisker of pulling out an improbable and highly motivational victory. In
fact, if it weren’t for the uncanny accuracy of the Barkrats’ 17-year
veteran place-kicker, Alexis Serna “Perfect Sleeper,” who added five more
field goals to up his career mark against the Dawgs to 147 for 147, we might
have been able to replace the adjective “moral” with “improbable and
stirring come-from-behind” in describing the victory. Instead, we must face
the grim reality that for the first time in the 118-year history of
Washington football, our BP&G will log their fourth consecutive losing
season. Sigh…
LADIES OF THE KNIGHT PUT THEIR FEET UP FOR THE WEEK
Well here’s a surprise: the one time that the AFLACs have their QB a little
dinged up is the one week that they square off against the always-tough
B-Y-E. Of course, it’s not all beer and skittles for Dennis “The Menace”
Dixon, as his hot tub appointments and happy-ending messages, delivered by
Inga, the Elin Nordegren look-alike Swedish massage therapist Uncle Phil so
thoughtfully flies in from Stockholm, are occasionally interrupted by his
grueling academic schedule. In case you missed it, Dixon is emulating Matt
Leinert’s rigorous class schedule by enrolling in a single course. One.
Of course, any scholar-athlete could be forgiven a desire to coast just a
bit during the season if he were facing a ball-buster course like
Multivariate Calculus or Existential Philosophy. But the only balls Dixon
might be busting are on the break – his only course is Billiards. As in
Pool. Nine ball. Snooker. Ah, the rigors of academia in Eugene! I sure
hope the young man is able to recover in time for his team’s upcoming two
road tests against the ‘Zona Mildcats and the Ruins, who as per tradition
again will be led into battle with the AFLACs by a fourth-string quarterback
who is a converted wide receiver. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on
here, Browns – your swoosh-laden fingerprints are all over this sh*t…
CARDINAL SINS LIFT PALOUSE PUMAS TO POTENTIAL PRIZE
Having just scored to make the score 13-7, the Trees kicked off and the
Wazzu return man stereotypically couged it, fumbling to set up the visitors
from Palo Alto with a first and goal at the Boog four. Unfortunately, the
best that the Stunnedford offense could do was three ill-advised passes,
each into double coverage, and then settle for a field goal which not only
kept the Cougs in the lead but also gave them a huge boost in momentum, and
that was about that. Oh yeah, try to stifle that yawn when you learn that
Wazzu’s senior QB Alex “Season On The” Brink broke the school’s career
record for touchdown passes. It’s that kind of performance that has
reportedly made him a finalist for both the Wuerffel and Draddy Awards.
(Not to be bitter or anything, but do we need any further evidence that the
proliferation of college football awards has gotten more than a little out
of hand? Who the f*ck was Draddy, anyway?) Oh well, with this unimpressive
win over Stunnedford, the Boogs retain hopes of becoming bowl eligible,
hopes currently dangling by a very thin pubic hair. The MMQB believes the
best scenario would be for the Palouse Pussies to need a victory in the
Apple Cup (aka, the Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl) only to have their
hopes crash along the rocky shore of Lake Washington as revenge for 1982 and
1983. Unfortunately for Dawgfan entrepreneurs everywhere, I don’t think
that those “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bell Helicopter Armed
Forces Bowl” t-shirts are going to be real hot sellers.
SMALL COLLEGES GOING OUT NOT WITH A BANG BUT A WHIMPER
The fine scholar-athletes representing some of our favorite Northwest
institutions of higher learning are stumbling to the finish line. For
instance, the mighty Logs of U-Pay-Us knew they would have to watch the
turnovers if they were to upend two-time conference champion Whitworth. And
watch them they did, one right after another, as three first-half miscues
dug them a 27-point hole that they were never able to recover from in a
34-13 loss to the Pirates. Meanwhile, the Bare P*ssies of Willamette
surrendered eight quarterback sacks in a 17-10 loss to the PLUtes. (Cue
Fred Gwynne in My Cousin Vinny: “Did you say Utes?”)
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson was able to lift his ceremonial shot
glass and toast another victory as his Stun Devils got back on track with a
24-20 victory over (f)UCLA. The game moves the Tortilla Tossers to 9-1 and
sets up a monumental clash with U$C in Tempe on Turkey Day. And speaking of
U$C, Chauncey “Didn’t Go To” Washington finally earned his booster paycheck
by going off for a career-best 220 yards rushing to help the Condoms wrap up
a 24-20 victory over Cal. The Fighting Tedheads were decked out in
throw-back uniforms, replacing their Tinker Hatfield designer duds.
Remember when you’d see the occasional throw-back jerseys on television and
think how quaint and goofy they looked in comparison to the uniforms of the
day? Now they just look classic …
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S MMQB TEST REVEALED!
Well, I guess that just about settles that. Last week your most humble and
obedient servant asked whether Notre Shame or Nebraska was more pathetic at
this juncture. The Weis Guys promptly went out and got themselves dominated
by another service academy at home as Air Force ran around, through and over
them in a 41-24 victory that wasn’t as close as the score would indicate.
Fat Charlie has finally delivered on his promise to take the program places
it’s never been, as Our Ladies of Perpetual Fumbles have now lost nine games
in a season for the first time in school history. In fact, the only good
news for the Beadrubbers this week was that DNA evidence cleared the Gipper
in a paternity dispute 87 years after his death. So they got that going for
them. Meanwhile, in beautiful downtown Lincoln, N-Is-For-’Nowledge Nebraska
continued to stage its own demented version of That Seventies Show. One
week after getting roasted for 76 points by Kansas, the Cornholers hung a
cool 73 on K-State. Quarterback Joe Gann, who has replaced erstwhile Stun
Devil Sam “Psycho” Keller as Bill Callahan’s trigger man (a phrase many
Nebraska’s would like to interpret literally) passed for 510 yards and a
school-record seven TDs in the win.
A SPECIAL DOFFING OF THE MMQB CAP TO …
…Prairie View A&M! With the Panthers’ 30-27 victory over Jackson State,
the Texas school has notched its first winning season in 31 years! (That’s
nearly as long as Bobber has kept some of his golf shirts, the ones that
look like the purloined seat covers from a ‘62 VW.) Included in those
three-plus decades of utter futility were a record-setting 80 straight
losses in the 1990’s, nearly double the second-longest losing streak in 1-AA
history, Columbia’s infamous 44-game skid. PVA&M’s worst year might have
been 1991, when they scored a grand total of 48 points all season, while
given up an average of 56 per contest. The low point that year might have
been when they were outscored 194-0 in three consecutive games, proving once
that the MMQB’s storied career was not the high in lows that many
misinformed sports fans might make it out to be. Anyway, all that is but a
distant and happily fading memory now that the Panthers are going to record
a winning season. In other words, roughly the same warm and fuzzy feeling
we all can look forward to in another 28 years or so at U-Dub…
QUICK HITTERS
Friday Knights Lights – Not sure if Keira “Do Her” Knightly was watching or
not, but on Friday (k)night, the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers destroyed the
Black Knights of Army 41-6. The MMQB hasn’t seen a black knight so
thoroughly dominated since Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “‘Tis but a
flesh wound. Come back here! I’ll bite your legs off!” Meanwhile, Army is
considering outsourcing its football program to Halliburton. ***** Speaking
of the (No) Defense Department – Navy and North Texas both might want to
requisition a few more stoppers after their 74-62 shoot-out set a record for
most combined points scored in a major college game. The two teams also set
records for most points scored in a half, at 94, and in a quarter, 63.
Either the coaches made some key adjustments or the offenses got tired in
the second half, as they could only tack another 42 on the board in the
final two quarters. The Mean Green’s Giovanni Vizza threw an NCAA freshman
record 8 TD pass. Of course, he’s no Jimmy Clausen, mind you… ***** What
Were They, Stalling? – Compared to Navy and North Texas, Richmond and
Delaware are nothing but a couple of pikers. Sure, the Spiders rolled up 62
points to the Blue Hens’ mere 56, but it took them five overtimes to get
there. ***** Even at Home, Spurrier Can’t Go Home Again – One week after
being shredded for 486 yards rushing by Arkansas’ Darren McFadden and Felix
Jones, Spurrier’s Not-So-Gamecocks were more balanced in their ineptitude in
Saturday’s 51-31 loss to his alma mater. Gator QB Tim Tebow accounted for
seven TDs, but mixed it up with five rushing and two passing. Cheer up,
Steve: The season’s almost over and you can put that Augusta membership to
good use soon. *****They’ve Got a Fever and the Only Prescription is More
Cowbell! – Bulldog fans got plenty of opportunity to ring their traditional
noisemakers as Mississippi State upset Alabama 17-12. The turning point and
winning margin in the contest came in the form of a 100+ yard interception
return at the end of the first half. Meanwhile, Bear Bryant had dry heaves
in the void. ***** The Bear is Joined by Woody – Illinois knocked An Ohio
State University from the ranks of the unbeaten with a 28-21 victory in the
Big Horseshoe. (Once you lose a game, you lose the right to use that
presumptuous “The” in your name.) It was the first time an Illini team had
beaten a #1 team since 1956. You knew it was going to be a bad day for the
Buckeyes when their tuba player accidentally dotted the H in the band’s
traditional pre-game performance. *****Broncos Bully – With a 52-0
whitewashing of Utah State, Boise State moved to 8-0 since losing to U-Dub.
Would anyone really mind (or notice) if we switched to the WAC for a few
seasons? ***** Fear the Turtle – Maryland sent BC to its second consecutive
loss since peaking at #2 in the nation, 42-35. This was clearly not a good
day for the Catholics. ***** It’s the Burning in My Eyes, Coach! – After
rallying from 17 down to tie the score in the fourth quarter, the Louisville
defense, never to be confused with the old Steel Curtain, finally caved and
West Virginia escaped with a 38-31 victory. Word is that the Cardinal
defenders suffered from prolonged exposure to the Mountaineers’ neon
Cheeto-colored uniforms, a grotesquery of nearly Oregonian proportions.
***** Unlucky #13 – Cincinatti drilled #13 U-Conn 27-3, proving once and for
all that the East Coast Huskies were not “U-Conntenders” after all. *****
Greatest Product Plug Since Gator Aid – Kentucky slipped past Vanderbilt
27-20. What do you expect when the Wildcats represent KY? ***** It’s a Mad,
Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World – Anyone looking for evidence of that wackiness has
replaced color and pageantry as the defining characteristic of college
football need look no further than Utah’s 50-0 destruction of Wyoming on
Saturday. Those possessing the same steel-trap memory as the MMQB (or
anyone stupid enough to read his weekly drivel) will recall that this is the
same Cowboy team that on the first weekend of the season upended Virginia,
which just happens to be leading the ACC Coastal Division. ***** Whammy II
- Speaking of the Cavs, they squared off against the Canes in Miami’s final
game in the historic Orange Bowl and walked out with a 48-0 victory. On the
bright side for Miami fans, despite getting shut out, the Canes did complete
nine passes, or exactly nine times as many as the one (one!) they completed
last week against NC State. Still, losing 48-0 in your final game in what
was once the most feared venue in college football must leave a pretty bad
taste in your mouth. Like that “who glued the dead possum to my tongue?”
feeling you get the morning after a long night of spicy nachos, bad cigars
and way too much cheap tequila. Or like having a certain Northwest team
which wears purple and gold but will remain nameless march into South
Florida and put an end to your 58-game home winning streak. Ah, the
memories … who doesn’t love curling up on the couch with a beer and some
chips and watching his video of The Whammy in Miami?
AND THE MMQB “OH COME ON NOW” AWARD GOES TO…
I try to play nice. Really I do. But sometimes public displays of
mind-numbing stupidity just send the MMQB right over the edge. Example:
I’m sitting there, watching ESPN’s “College Football Live” and just minding
my own business, when a message that insults the intelligence of every
viewer comes across my TV screen. It’s an e-mail submission from some
waste-of-skin idiot in Eugene, OR, and I quote, “Don’t compare Dennis Dixon
to Vince Young. Dixon is a more accurate passer and runs 100 times better!”
Now let’s face it, a comment like that scarcely deserves response. But the
MMQB is not one to keep the bat on his shoulder when presented with a fat
one down the center of the plate. It’s simply not why all you loyal readers
pay me the big bucks. I am nearly at a loss for words that will adequately
describe the utter and pitiable lunacy of our poor, delusional anarchist.
Nearly, but not quite. While the MMQB begrudgingly concedes that Dennis
Dixon is a very good player who will be in Gotham as a Heisman finalist (and
potential winner) this year, Vince Young is a transcendent,
once-in-a-generation freak of an athlete. Any reasonable fan would take
pride in one his players being compared to the Donghorn legend. Failure to
recognize the difference between the two is the especially annoying brand of
swoosh-blinded homerism that has made the University of Zero the crotch rot
of college sports, a supreme irritant to anyone coming into contact with it.
In fact, it’s this arriviste “look at me, look at me” attitude that is
driving all fair-minded fans of college football to pray to their respective
deities for divine providence in support of the Mildcats, Ruins, and
Barkrats; to root with all their might for LSU to continue winning; to kill
the fatted calf in hopes that either Kansas or Oklahoma will win out and get
a big bump in the strength of schedule column; and to hope Michigan goes
down like Larry Craig in an airport john when they play tOSU, thereby
hurting the Quacks’ strength-of-schedule factor, and anything else we can
think of. Hell, at this point, I’d settle for some monumental blunder by
Pathetic10 commish “Touchdown” Tommy Hanson, who could f*ck up a two-car
funeral. Or even your good, old-fashioned case of East Coast bias.
Anything, anything I tell you. This scourge must be stopped.
“We’re on a mission from God…”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Filed under: Uncategorized
Phew. That was close. Having finally got to my motel room in the town of
my youth on a trip to check on my mother’s surgery recovery, I immediately
flipped on the Glass Teat. What was the first play I saw but a wide-open
Anthony Russo dropping a sure touchdown pass? I vowed on the spot that if
the Beloved Purple and Gold continued to play like Special Olympians, the
MMQB would immediately and irrevocably cancel his remaining installments of
insightful and unbiased commentary on the color and pageantry of college
football, and instead regale his loyal and long-suffering readers with
timely highlights from a wide range of other endeavors, including “Your
Friend, the Distributor Cap,” “Great Moments in British Cuisine,” and
“Celebrity Curling Bloopers.” Fortunately, the Pooches came through with a
timely victory, saving us all from a month of reportage on Bea Arthur’s
bruised buttocks. I would think that even our feathered fowl friends can
agree that this is a very, very good thing.
DAWGS LIFT COLLECTIVE LEGS ON TREES
For most the past month, the MMQB has looked pitifully at the Dawgs of
Defense, like Vito Corleone tearfully inspecting Sonny’s bullet-riddled
corpse lying coldly on the mortician’s slab. ”Look at how they massacred my
boys…” But for whatever reason – divine intervention perhaps – a defense
that has been giving it up like a $2 whore rose up like villagers storming
Frankenstein’s castle, holding the Trees to a mere 253 yards and 9
inconsequential points. Remember, this was an offense that had hung 41
(that’s 13 more than the AFLAC juggernaut, folks) on the Condoms a few weeks
ago. The other positive sign was the return of a running game: Louis
“Happy Feet” Rankin “And Rating” (sorry, gratuitous Intel inside joke there)
piled up 255 yards, the most since rent-a-back Corey Dillon scorched the
Quackers for 259 back in 1996. (Ah, those were the days, my friends; we
thought they’d never end…) Meanwhile the Savior added another 97.
Redshirt frosh Locker has already gained more rushing yards this season than
any Mutt QB in history, and he is on pace to be the program’s first 1,000
yard rusher since Rashaan She-he-he-he, of the all-pronoun team. We must
keep in mind that it was, after all, just Stunnedford, but a 27-9 victory
looks mighty, mighty fine after six straight defeats. Think of it is the
moral equivalent of the bubble-headed bleach blonde bimbo who grows
increasingly attractive with each double scotch. Not that the MMQB would
know anything about that…
“THUMGATE:” DEVILS STUNNED AS AFLAC SCREWS OVER CARPENTER
In the type of short-sighted insurance move that has driven addle-minded
Washington voters to the brink of approving the draconian R-67, the AFLACs
jerked around ASU QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, whose injured thumb was a
key factor knocking the Tempe Tortilla Tossers from the ranks of the
unbeaten. To be perfectly fair – and God knows that the MMQB is nothing if
not fair – even a perfectly healthy Carpenter may not have had the tools to
offset the onslaught of the Flockers, their feathers all a-ruffled on
Saturday afternoon. To add insult to the QB’s injury, the home team
unveiled their new Packers-on-Peyote look, green diamond-plate jerseys set
off sharply with cheddar-colored pants and, God help me I am not making this
sh*t up, bright yellow shoes. I swear; with their rainbow coalition of
demented uniform combinations, the Slug-eaters spend more time going in and
out of the closet than Anne Heche at a bisexuals’ convention.
Nevertheless, it’s tough to deny the fact that Uncle Phil, the George
Steinbrenner of NCAA football, is the best owner in the game today, his
misdirected largesse helping his Ladies of the Knight reach heights
previously unimagined in even the most ganja-gorged brains of the denizens
of Anarchy Central. All of which has the MMQB saying, “Quick, bring me the
bucket; I think I’m going to hurl.” No wait, what I meant to say was, “Go
Buckeyes! Go Tigers!” Actually, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but
for the unaffiliated, pure fan of college football, the best national title
game probably would be the Bayou Bengals and the Willamette Valley Webfeet:
The immovable object LSU defense squaring off against the unstoppable force;
the Mouth of the South forced to back up his war of words on the Pathetic10
on the field. Unfortunately, such a match-up would allow for the
possibility that some odd bounces of the old prolate spheroid (or some
covert payments, bizarre injuries, unbelievable replay calls, etc.) could
result in the – my God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? – AFLACs being
crowned national champions, an outcome roughly akin to having your balls
shaved by Helga, a 375-pound blind lesbian with Parkinson’s disease and a
bad case of hiccups – in short, a fate far too horrendous for even a
nanosecond’s contemplation.
BOOGS STATE THEIR CASE
Just when you thought that Yaba-Doba-Doo and Co. had given up on their
season-long quest to take up residence in the basement of the Pathetic10,
they rise up and sleep-walk their way to a 20-17 loss to the reeling
California Old-and-Bares. The bore-a-thon was essentially Alex “Season on
the” Brink’s career in a nutshell: plenty of yards, but no victory. After
watching some of this game, the MMQB is prepared to amend his earlier
prediction and declare the Apple Cup (aka, Who Gives a Flying F*ckwad Bowl)
a toss-up.
SMALL COLLEGE CORNER
Willamette rolled up 681 yards of offense in a 77-17 thrashing of Lewis and
Clark, which is apparently so bad that even Sacajewa has given up on them.
Meanwhile, the vaunted student-athletes of U-Pay-Us battled bravely before
dropping a 45-13 nail-biter to Menlo. Fortunately, Daughter MMQB the
Elder’s alma mater, the Whitworth Pirates (argh!) defended their conference
title with a 10-6 victory over visiting Linfield in the Pine Bowl. All
kidding aside, it’s pretty cool to think that for these athletes, virtually
none of whom have any aspirations (or delusions) of professional sports,
this could be the crowning glory of their athletic careers. Then there are
those of us who had no crowning glories in our athletic careers, but that’s
another long and tragic story…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The Ruins remain the Sybil of college football, one week up and the next
down. This time, ‘Zona’s Willie Tuitama-lama-ding-dong shredded their
normally stingy defense for 341 yards passing, three TD’s and no
interceptions in a 34-27 Mildcat victory. It appears his confidence got
something of a boost last week – go figure. Meanwhile, the Condoms finally
turned in the type of dominating performance their boosters are paying good
money for: a 24-3 Brazilian (aka, a waxing of the Beavers). So to speak…
Which brings us to:
GREAT MOMENTS IN ENFORCEMENT HISTORY (DUM-DADDA-DADDA-DUM-DADDA-DUM
)
This week, NCAA investigators met with a disgruntled sports agent who claims
to have given nearly $300k in cash and other benefits to Reggie Bush and
family throughout his college career, Reg having apparently really put the $
back in U$C. The witness, whose felony convictions may impair his
credibility a tad, also claims to have recordings of his conversations with
Bush, along with records of repayment, which would seem to prove that
benefits were received. Reports are that Reggie magically began driving a
pimped out car and living in a luxury condo, while his family took up
residence in a $700,000 house without paying a nickel in rent for more than
a year. All this took place, of course, under the noses of the U$C coaching
staff, whose skill in conveniently looking the other way rivals that of a
Swiss banker in 1940. Let’s face it, U$C ought to be going down like
right-wing Rep. Richard Curtis dropping to the knees of his red fishnets in
a Spokane adult bookstore. But we all know that this is the NCAA and this
is U$C, so we probably should expect more of a slap on the wrist than a kick
in the balls.
I DARE YOU TO TAKE THE MMQB TEST
Here’s a question that could stump even the studliest of the SAT studs at
Stunnedford. Which traditional football power, Nebraska or Notre Dame, is
more pathetic at the moment? Make your choice and defend your answer with
facts and data. The case for Nebraska: Lost to Kansas for the second time
in the last 39 games. No, I mean really lost, as in allowing 76 points.
Once-big-now-not-so-much-Red has given up 70 points twice in school history
- both on Callahan’s watch. The Cornholers sank to 4-6 after losing their
fifth straight for the first time in half a century. Gave up 572 yards to
Kansas, with QB Todd Reesing throwing for six TDs and RB Brandon McAnderson
running for four more, as the Rock-Block-Jayhawks score TDs on ten (count
‘em, ten!) straight possessions. The case for Notre Dame: 46-44 triple OT
loss to Navy broke an NCAA-record 43 game win streak against a single
opponent. Roger the Dodger Staubach QB’ed the Middies the last time they
beat the Fighting Rudies. Saturday’s game marked the first time in school
history that Touchdown Jesus has overseen five straight home losses. The
“Genius” Charlie Weis made several questionable calls. First, he eschewed a
potential game-winning FG from 41 yards out at the end of regulation and
subsequently watching his QB get sacked on the final play. Then, in the
third OT, after getting a gift pass interference call on their first failed
two-point try and knowing that they needed a score to keep the game going,
he dialed up a vanilla off-tackle run that any Pop Warner team could sniff
out. And snuff out. Sorry, Charlie.
QUICK HITTERS
Big Doings in Big Sky Country – After beating Portland State 34-31, Montana
is now 6-0 in the Big Sky Conference and 9-0 overall. Following the win,
Grizzly head coach Bobby Hauck, a Rick Sweatervest disciple, said it was
“extremely gratifying and personally satisfactioning to have our guys circle
the wagons all season and capture the general badlands and Black Hills area
championship.” ***** Go Green – Dartmouth racked up 59 points in its
victory over Cornell. Rumor has it the team was inspired by the Rumpled
Publisher’s challenge that they match his Quantitative Methods final exam
score. ***** Price Is Not Right – After watching Rice QB Chase Clement
shred his Miners for 395 yards passing and another 103 yards rushing in a
56-48 loss, Mike Price was last seen driving straight past his favorite
strip club while singing “Fight, fight, fight for Washington State…”
*****Maybe Just Play Three Quarters – For the third season in a row, Texas
came from way back to nip Oklahoma State. This time the Donghorns scored
24 unanswered points in the fourth quarter to win 38-35. After the game,
Cowpoke coach Mike Gundy called Dean Smith for some pointers on the
four-corner offense. ***** Speaking of Good Fourth Quarters — LSU staged an
impressive comeback to nip ‘Bama and former coach Nick Saban. Or Satan, as
he’s now known in Baton Rouge. ***** Vandalized Again – Idaho had contained
the La Tech offense all game, leading 16-14 with less than six minutes to
play. Then they caved, giving up back-to-back 70+ yard drives (one of which
was only one play) to lose 28-16, their eighth straight defeat. Coach Rob
Akey “Breaky” was so despondent that he could barely execute his trademark
sideline jumps. Look at the bright side, Rob; you could still be in
Pullman. ***** Can’t Hold That Kitty – Clemson creamed Duke 47-10. In
other surprising news, new pictures of Brittany Spears genitalia have
surfaced. ***** Fun While It Lasted – BC became the 192nd team to lose upon
being ranked #2 in the nation this year. The loss was especially tough on
senior QB Matt Ryan, whose third interception of the game was a pick-six
that sealed the Eagles’ fate. In fact, he was almost as broken up as the
MMQB, who saw the AFLACs creep one step closer to the national title game.
****** Sacked in the Horseshoe – The THE Ohio State University defense
sacked the We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers QB ten times in a 38-17
victory. When last seen, Lenny “Chili Dipper” Sorrin was drowning his
sorrows in a mountain of brats and a sea of lukewarm brew, and
semi-coherently muttering, “I love a good Polka …”
“OK, Chief. When I throw you the ball, I want you to put it in the basket;
reach right up there and put that ball in the f*ckin’ basket, Chief…”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
