What a weekend of color and pageantry in college football. It was stranger
than Farrah Fawcett on Letterman, stranger than Tom Cruise on Oprah,
stranger even than Julia Roberts marrying Lyle Lovett or Angelina Jolie
hooking up with Billy Bob Thornton. I’m talking strange here, people, as
half of the top ten (#3, #4, #5, #7 and #10) fell in upsets. Could this be
the magical weekend? Could the stars align? Could the Mutts of Montlake
pull off the Miracle? Sadly, no. But that’s not to say the weekend didn’t
have its charms (the AFLACS got plucked, for instance). So read on … if
you dare.
MUTTS COMMEMORATE ALMOST-TITLE WITH ALMOST-UPSET
The 1960-61 version of the beloved-not-yet-purple-dark
-dark-blue-and-gold
was one of the best teams in the land and one of the best in school history.
They dominated #1 ranked Minnesota in the Granddaddy of Them All. But,
despite all logic to the contrary, the way the polls worked back then, the
impressive victory had no bearing on the final rankings or the national
championship. Nevertheless, some cut-rate, third-world diploma mill of a
foundation declared that team its national champion, so the powers that be
decided to honor the squad at Saturday’s game vs. the current
standard-bearers, the U$C Condoms. We all know what happened the last time
the Pooches squared off against an invading horde of Condoms following a
celebration of U-Dub football history. That’s right: 31-zip and all
Marijuanavich saw was purple. Could history possible repeat itself? Things
looked good as the scrappy band of pups took the field in their throw-back
jerseys. To be honest, the jerseys looked a little too much for my taste
like Willingham had been a sticky-fingered on his way out of South Bend.
What started out as a celebration of “what should have been” turned into a
game of “what could have been.” U$C has a remarkable collection of talent;
even from the second deck, their athletes just look somehow different …
and in an oh-my-God sort of way. There are times, especially when that
smothering defense is on the field, that a Toejam victory seems simply
inevitable, like coastal erosion or another OJ Simpson arrest. (To wit, a
nearly 300 yard advantage in total offense – how the hell were our plucky
pups even in this game?) But then there are times when the men of Troy seem
to rely too heavily on their collective talent (a mistake that the MMQB and
his vaunted KHS teammates never fell prey to) and begin coasting through the
game. This knowledgeable (and completely unbiased) observer is not yet sold
on Toejam QB John David Booty “Call,” who generally had enough time in the
pocket to pop up some Orville Redenbacher and do the New York Times
crossword (probably just the easy ones like they run on Monday, not the hard
ones from Saturday, but still…). Despite having all day and then some to
throw, Booty can be a little wild, a trait exploited by “Don’t Be” Mesphin
“With” Forrester late in the second quarter and almost (Gawddammitall why
couldn’t he have just cleanly caught the f**king thing?) by Bryron Davenport
late in the fourth. That latter borderline call was overturned by the
replay official – Gordon Reese, do you have an alibi? – giving the Condoms
the break they needed to kick a FG and all but wrap up the win. (It should
be noted that the officiating in the game did nothing to dispel the
Pathetic10’s reputation for incompetence.) And I say this with all due
respect: Pete “Christmas” Carroll may be an outstanding recruiter and a
great coach, but on the sidelines of a game he is nothing more than a whiny,
punk-ass bitch. He spent more time on the field than most of his players,
jawing at the refs, having a Gundy-esque melt-down on almost every call.
He’s like a f**kin’ Krzyzewski in cleats – and you wonder if his antics
eventually have the same intimidating impact on the zebras. Whatever, no
one can deny that the better team won. It’s just a shame that the better
team tried like hell to hand the underDawgs an historic upset, and the
Mutts, despite battling to the end, simply couldn’t get out of their own way
consistently enough to take advantage. Nevertheless, walking out of the
Most Beautiful Stadium in America, my final impression of U$C was this:
“they can be had.”
QUACKS FUMBLE AWAY CHANCE AT VICTORY
In contrast to the Husky throw-back uniforms, a quacking pack of
ruffled-feather AFLACS waddled onto the Field-Named-For-A
Coach-With-A-Losing-Career-Record decked out in their traditional throw-up
uniforms. And speaking of tradition, the home team was squaring off against
an undermanned opponent that found itself limping into the Concrete Bunker.
In this case, Cal’s Fighting Tedheads were without the services of three of
the starters on their defensive front seven (and for those of you still
struggling with the math WASL, that’s playing without 42.86 percent of your
D-line and linebackers.) As expected, the Quack Attack jumped out to an
early lead. But they were unable to corral DeSean Jackson, who torched the
Slugeater secondary for 11 catches, 161 yards and two TDs. Still, with the
game coming down to the wire, you had the sick feeling in the pit of your
stomach that Dennis the Menace and his mates were going to erase Cal’s
tenuous seven-point lead and send the game into overtime, where the Autzen
magic (and Phil’s big bucks) would spell further frustration for a call team
that had not won in the Bunker for some 20 years. And then it happened. A
beautiful thing happened. One of those things that proves there is a God
happened. Zero wide-out Cameron Colvin tried to stretch the ball out across
the goal line and instead fumbled it through the end zone, snuffing out any
chance of victory for the Forces of Evil (FOE). Or so we thought.
Immediately, the best refs money can buy went scurrying into replay mode.
We’ve seen that movie, too. (I’m pretty sure it’s still playing in Norman,
OK.) But try as they might, even in Eugene, they couldn’t undo what has
happened. (Excerpt from super-secret recording made by microphone the MMQB
hid in the replay booth: “We have to find a way to overturn this.” “We
can’t.” “We have to; I’ve got three kids in private school, dammit!”) Gee,
I wonder if Cal will be showing that replay on their stadium screen for
years to come. Or whether another gut-wrenching loss to Cal on the webbed
heels of a 4-0 start can send this season into the same tail-spin U-Ho
endured last year. One can hope.
BOOGS OUT-MILD THE MILDCATS
Mike Stoops spent much of last week in the hospital, battling kidney stones.
Rumor has it that his assistants heard his fever-pitched groans of “gotta
pass” and immediately changed the Mildcat game plan against Wazzu. The
results were nothing less than spectacular, as QB Willie
Tuitama-lama-ding-dong tossed a career-high five TDs and ‘Zona scored 28
unanswered points to break open a 20-20 tie and coast to a 48-20 victory.
On the bright side for the Fighting Pumas of the Palouse, in the third
quarter they actually forced a punt. This was a first for them since the
Idaho game, a span of almost eight full quarters of football. So they got
that going for them as they prepare for next weekend’s invasion by former
coach Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson and his surging Stunned Devils.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Speaking of the Stun Devils, ASU stunned Stunnedford 41-3. All in all, it
was a stunning victory for a team that hadn’t won a Pathetic10 game in the
state of California this century. Tortilla Tosser coach Denny “I’ll Have
Another” Erickson celebrated by toasting his nickname. Meanwhile, the Ruins
put the pedal to the metal in the second half and cruised to a 40-14 victory
over the Barkrats. OSU coach Mike Riley had a completely different reason
to bend his elbow, as he has never – as an assistant or as a head coach -
beaten (f)UCLA.
RIVALRY WEEK IN THE SMALL COLLEGE RANKS PRODUCES DECIDEDLY MIXED RESULTS
What in the name of Frosty Westering is going on here? Our beloved U-Pay-Us
Loggers fumbled their way to a 37-8 shellacking at the hands of the hated
P-L-Utes. (“I’m a Logger, I’m a Logger, I’m a Logger through and through;
Oh, I’d rather be a Logger than a Lute at PLU.”) And then the Bare-Pussies
of Willamette stunned dreaded rival Linfield, 33-32 on a FG with four
seconds remaining. Reports are that the kick may have actually sailed
outside the uprights, but the play could not be overturned as all replay
officials within a 500 mile radius had already been ordered to focus their
attention and creative juices on the final play in the Concrete Bunker.
FREUDIAN SLIP
In an interview on ESPN’s “College Football Live” this week, Mike Bawlalotti
tried to downplay his anger at senior QB Dennis “The Menace” Dixon’s
decision to spend his summer not working out with his teammates but instead
playing for an Atlanta Braves farm team. In fact, he said, “It probably did
Dennis good to be playing another professional sport.” Guess it’s tough to
put those little envelopes with the swoosh in the corner and the cash inside
completely out of your mind, isn’t it, Mikey?
GOOD-BYE DAWG FANS!
Lou Gellerman, your stadium announcer at the Most Beautiful Stadium in
America, has announced his retirement. Let’s face it, we will all miss
Lou’s signature “Hello, Dawg Fans” almost as much as we’ll miss his
sometimes comical attempts to pronounce names like TJ Houshmandzadeh. The
“preliminary indication” is that “they’ll measure” the skills of potential
successors in the off-season. Could the dulcet tones you hear be our
favorite former broadcaster working to knock the rust off the ol’ pipes?
BIG TWO IN BIG TWELVE NO BIG DEAL
Some of the luster is definitely off the Red River Rivalry, as both
combatants were taken down a few notches Saturday. Colorado came from 17
down in the second half to upset visiting #3 Oklahoma 27-24, primarily by
holding the high-octane (it is, after all, oil country) Boomer offense in
check. The Cardinal and Cream came into the game averaging 562 yards and
61.5 points, but were held to 230 total yards and 24 points. After the
game, Coach Moonbeam celebrated by lighting up some sandalwood incense,
enjoying some Mu-Shu tofu, and curling up with his favorite Carlos Castenada
paperback. In contrast, Clay Bennett could be found curled up in the fetal
position and whimpering like he’d just learned that the City of Seattle had
retained Slade Gorton for its legal team. The Boomer Sooners’ next
opponent, the Texas Donghorns, fared no better, as they were bitch-slapped
at home, 41-21, by Kansas State. The Mildcats scored three non-offensive
TDs on a punt return, a kick-off return, and an interception. That’s many
happy returns if you’re not wearing burnt orange. The K-State defense also
made life miserable for Donghorn QB Colt McCoy, who had four passes
intercepted, was knocked out of the game, and spent most of the fourth
quarter puking on the sidelines. That is not how to get laid in Austin, my
boy. One is left with the nagging suspicion that, absent Vince Young, we’re
back to seeing the real Mack Brown – a great recruiter and a mediocre coach
who fails to get the most out of the impressive talent he assembles.
QUICK HITTERS
Most Creative Use of Scholarship Money – Third-string tOSU QB Antinio Henton
was arrested recently for soliciting a prostitute. Just guessing here, but
I don’t think that’s what Buckeye coaches meant when they said he should
“work on hooking up with his wide receiver.” ***** Speaking of Money – A
Texas newspaper has revealed that A&M head coach Dennis Franchione has been
charging boosters $1200 annually for a “VIP newsletter” written by his
personal assistant. Guess it’s hard to scrape by on the $2 million he makes
from the university. ***** Pretty in Pink – In their 20-17 victory over
1-AA Arkansas Pine Bluff, New Mexico State wore pink ribbons and socks to
honor Coach Hal Mummie’s wife, who has been battling breast cancer. An
unnamed spokesman for the University of Oregon proclaimed the look
“mahvelous” and hinted that it could be incorporated into future Duck
uniform options. ***** Look Good, Play Good – The Ohio State University
methodically dismantled Minnesota 30-7 in the type of workmanlike
performance for which Jim Tressel’s teams are well-known. In fact, the game
was completely unremarkable save for the all-Gopher Golden neon uniforms
donned by the home team, a look that nearly threatened to knock the Klingon
pajamas of the University of Zero from their historic position as the
pinnacle of bad taste. Nearly. ***** Oh, Here’s A Surprise – Reports of
academic scandal are rocking Florida State. The claim is that tutors
arranged on-line tests for athletes and then called out the answers to them.
Following the ‘Noles 21-14 victory over ‘Bama, there were reports that
unidentified FSU officials could be heard shouting, “That’s a seven point
difference!” ***** Fun While It Lasted – Tulane battled visiting LSU to a
10-9 halftime score. Unfortunately the surprised Green Wave players looked
around their locker room at the break and realized that they were being
coached by ex-(f)UCLA boss Bob “Holy” Toledo. They immediately crumbled
like ripe gorgonzola, losing 34-9. ***** Putting the Champaign Back in
Illinois – The orange and blue are 4-1 after their 27-20 victory over Penn
State. Any wagers on when we’ll be seeing a hireronzook.com website? *****
Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – In Georgia Tech’s 13-3 upset of #13
Clemson, the Tigers missed four field goals and had a punt blocked. Did Jim
Lambright get back into coaching special teams and not tell any of us? *****
It Could Be Wurst – Despite surrendering more than 560 yards of total
offense, #9 Wisconsin avoided the upset plague by holding off Michigan State
37-34. No one really gives a rodent’s patooty except Lenny S., but if I
don’t mention it I’ll spend another week listening to him whine like Pete
Carroll. ***** History Repeats Itself, Volume 1 – For the second year in a
row, Auburn derailed the Master Gators, this time 20-17. Speaking of
repeats, Tiger kicker Wes “Is More” Bynum had to boot the winning FG twice,
as Urban “Legend” Meyer called time-out just the ball was snapped for his
first attempt. ***** History Repeats Itself, Volume 2 – Also for the second
year in a row, Rutgers was upset one week after breaking into the Top 10,
this time by a Maryland squad that righted the ship after allowing two TDs
in the final 52 seconds of the first half. Scarlet Knight coach Greg
Schiano might want to keep his team from reading their own press clippings.
***** And As Long As We’re Talking History -Notre Dame is still winless.
Francisco Franco is still dead.
THIS JUST IN
A new book claims that mobsters fixed the 1954 Oklahoma – Oklahoma State
game (which Bud Wilkinson’s Boomer Sooners won, without covering the spread)
by lacing OU’s pre-game meal with laxatives. Next up is an investigation
into the 2006 Oklahoma – Oregon tussle.
And in closing, all I can say is, “Great, I’ve got a Trig mid-term in the
morning and I’m being chased by Guido the Killer Pimp!”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – There will be no MMQB next week. Of course, the BP&G and the dreaded
Dux have a bye next week, so really what’s the point? To be honest, the
actual reason for the break in the action is that your intrepid reporter
will be off soaking up the thousand shades of green, which I am happy to
report, is not a euphemism for the University of Zero uniform menu. No,
sports fans, I will be sucking down real Guinness (one of the four basic
food groups) and chasing the little white ball around Ireland. Of course
the way I’ve been hitting it lately, some of that chasing is likely to take
place in knee-high fescue. God help me, I’d give my left testicle to hit a
few decent iron shots. Since I will drag my jet-lapped carcass home on the
evening of Saturday, October 13th, that week’s MMQB may also be impacted.
