Monday Morning Quarterback

PUPS NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS VS. (F)UCLA

Let me get this straight.  We’re hoping that the BP&G is on the right
track.  They’re facing a Ruin squad that once was considered one of the
top 10 in the country, but whose most recent outing was a 44-6
ass-whuppin’ at the hands of a winless Utah team led by a back-up
quarterback.  And speaking of back-up QB’s, that was exactly what
Dorrell & Co. would be trotting onto the Rose Bowl field.  Sounds like
an opportunity to the get the conference season off to a good start.
But no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.  Let me tell you this, my friends:  Teams that
aspire to be anything more than bottom feeders do not and cannot play
the embarrassing way that the Mutts o’ Montlake played Saturday evening.
Let’s go to the evidence, Stan.  What do good teams do?  Well, having
never been a member of a good football team, your humble narrator has to
base his assessment on second-hand observations.  But I am fairly
confident that after taking the lead, good teams do not let their
opponents convert on effin’-third-and-effin’-twenty and then give up 58
more yards on an effin’ halfback pass.  After pulling within seven
points and needing to stop an opponent offense that is down to a
non-scholarship QB, good teams stop the effin’ run and do not give up an
effin’ 85 yard drive in three effin’ plays.  Then after scoring on a
long TD pass to again pull within seven and seemingly seize the
momentum, you effin’ do not effin’ give up an effin’ TD return on the
effin’ kick off.  And finally, a good team does not fumble the ensuing
kick-off, recover, go three and effin’ out and then shank the effin’
punt.  Unfortunately, while those are things that good teams do not do,
they are exactly what the effin’ Pooches did.  In short, we have no
killer instinct.  When we get a team down or even when we just pull
even, we have all the ability to rise to the occasion of an 93-year-old
man who misplaced his Viagra.  Give me a second to effin’ collect
myself, won’t you?  JayzusHChristonaStick, when will the madness end?
Not until we stop getting pushed around in the trenches.  Not until we
start making sure tackles.  Not until we cut out the bizarre red-zone
play calling.  Not until our offense stops spending long stretches
looking like an elderly woman trying to put on a girdle in a phone
booth.  In other words, certainly not this week with the Condoms coming
(no pun intended) to town.

THIS SH*T IS GETTING OLD

Maybe this Harbaugh guy is for real.  After all, the Stunnedford
Cardinal came roaring back from a 21-3 deficit with four straight TDs to
grab a 31-21 lead over the visiting Slugeaters.  Unfortunately, just
when the beautiful upset seemed to be at hand, the Ladies of the Knight
came screaming back with 34 unanswered points and beat the Chardonnay
Swillers going away, 55-31.  I have to say, this is a habit that the
MMQB finds almost as annoying as ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, root canal and
watered-down beer.  Together.  After the game, AFLAC head man Mikey
Bawlalotti said, “We had to get a gut check at halftime.”  They got a
much more valuable kind of check.  Through the MMQB’s double-secret
probation contacts within the cellular phone industry, we were able to
receive copies of a text message sent from one P. Knight in the 503 area
code to a J. Harbaugh in the 650 area code.  While I feel duty bound to
clean up the atrocious spelling and grammar from the original, the text
of the intercepted message read something like this:  ”Jim – I hope you
are enjoying yourself, you little prick.  This is not what we talked
about, and you better get this thing turned around but fast.  It’s about
time for you to remember where the athletic department is getting the
money to pay your salary.  I’m not talking about any of this last-second
sh*t, either.  I want a margin of at least three touchdowns.  And make
it look good.”  Am I the only one with a flashback to Eddie Albert as
the warden in the original “Longest Yard?”  I think not.

BOOGS BONED BY CONDOMS

Saturday’s 47-14 thrashing by the Big, Bad U$C Condoms was the first
game retired Wazzu SID Rod Commons “Cold” has missed since 1976, a
streak of 353 straight contests.  Think about that for a minute.  That’s
more than 21,000 minutes of mostly bad football.  During that period,
the Boogs were 176-175-5.  (And remember, many of those wins were
against the likes of Idaho and Montana State and other similar powers.)
You have to salute such a complete and total level of mediocrity.  Of
course, “mediocrity” is also the term that could best be applied to this
season’s version of the Fightin’ Puddytats of the Palouse.  They’ve
gotten pretty well b*tch-slapped by the two decent teams on their
schedule, the We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers and the Toejams, and
they’ve slept-walked to unimpressive victories over Idaho and San Diego
State.  The Boog offense is sometimes – perhaps often – effective under
the direction of Alex “Season on the” Brink, at least when he remembers
to throw the ball to the guys wearing a uniform like his.  (Hey, give
him a break; he is, after all, going to Wazzu.)  But the post-Akey
defense is … uh … inconsistent.  Of course, consistency is
over-rated when it comes to the floundering Boog special teams which are
to crisp, high-quality execution what Britney Spears is to reasoned
foreign policy debate.

IN MORE IMPORTANT NEWS…

The Willamette Bare Tats lost, as was seemingly inevitable, 34-27 to
Southern Oregon.  Even at this early stage in the season, the Boys from
Salem appear headed for another losing campaign.  Meanwhile, the brave
scholar-athletes representing U-Pay-Us battled valiantly before falling
28-26 to the Whittier Poets.  Next thing you know they’ll be dropping
games to the Flower Arrangers and Ballet Dancers.  Finally, Whitworth
topped off Wisconsin-Stout 23-21.  Next up for the Pirates (aaargh) will
be Minnesota Pilsner.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

The ASU Stun Devils debut in the top 25 following their 44-32
come-from-behind victory over the OSU Barkrats.  Honestly, the
combination of Tempe weather, ASU facilities, sun-tanned and morally
pragmatic nubile young coeds, lax-to-non-existent academic standards,
and Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson is the perfect storm.  Fear the
Tortilla Tossers.  Meanwhile, the fighting Tedheads of Cal jumped out to
a big lead and then coasted to a routine 45-27 victory over the ‘Zona
Mildcats.  Methinks that Stoops’ seat has got to be getting hotter with
each subsequent notch on the L-bedpost.

TIME TO BREAK OUT THE AMEX PLATINUM CARD

Recent reports are that Baylor trustee Robert McNair selflessly donated
$100 million to the Baylor College of Medicine.  Apparently McNair’s
generosity has produced a few pangs of guilt behind the Beaverton Berm,
where Uncle Phil’s obscene giving to his alma mater has served not to
benefit humanity but to promote the trivial and twisted world of Mikey
Bawlalotti and his henchmen.  The Swooshmeister has apparently rethought
his priorities and will henceforth be directing more of his substantial
fortune toward some of the University of Zero’s most important and
distinguished academic programs, including its world-renowned
Departments of Gas Pumping, Hemp Farming, and Suicidal Legal Injection
(SLI).

LOVE, OREGON STYLE

A Klamath Falls, Oregon man was arrested recently for chopping the head
off his ex-girlfriend’s cat and keeping it in a glass jar in his car.
(You just can’t make this sh*t up!)  This bizarre behavior was
reportedly an attempt to impress his current girlfriend.  Me, I tend to
go with flowers.   Anyway, when asked what led him to concoct this -
shall we say, unusual? – strategy for securing the affections of his
beloved, the man calmly explained that the plan just came to him as he
was watching the video of the Duck mascot violently attacking the fuzzy
representative of the Houston Cougars.

RECRUITING UPDATE

Jamere Holland, kicked off the U$C football team for various legal
entanglements and other embarrassing offenses, has been granted a waiver
to secure eligibility in 2008 at another Pathetic10 school.  What school
would be so desperate for victory-at-all-costs that they would open
their institutional arms to embrace a Felon-Waiting-To-Happen whose sins
were significant enough to get him kicked out of a school whose moral
compass is admittedly more than shaky.  Guess.  No, really.  Go ahead
and guess.  I dare you.  Put simply, they don’t call it U-Ho for
nothing.

QUICK HITTERS

Mouth of the South Was Right – Fulfilling their coach’s bold prediction,
LSU dispatched USC 28-16.  The bad news is that their big victory was
over South Carolina, not Southern Cal.  The good news is that the key
score was a TD on a fake FG that featured a cute little flip of the ball
from the holder to the kicker, which in turn prompted a cute little flip
of the visor from Steve Superior to the turf.  ***** Apparently The QB
Stinks – Spurrier has announced that he plans to bench starting QB Blake
Mitchell in favor of hot-shot freshman Chris Smelley. ***** PSU Sings
The Big Blues – Michigan seems to be back on track after a 14-9 over the
Nittany Lions.  Rumor has it that Jo Pa left the Big House with a
serious case of Carr-sickness.  ***** Fun While It Lasted – Things got
back to normal as Duke snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, in a
come-from-ahead loss to Navy, 46-43.  Nevertheless, you have to be
impressed by the Devils’ one-game winning streak.  *****Texas Steams
Rice – The Donghorns finally buried an inferior opponent, with a 58-14
victory over the outmanned Owls.  It was the first time this season that
the ‘Horns’ margin of victory exceeded the number of team member
arrests. ***** Elsewhere In the Long Star State – The record shows that
Texas Baptist topped Sul Ross State 41-28.  What is less clear is
whether Sul Ross State’s 59-year-old LB, Mike Flynt, saw any action.
You have to wonder, in the program does it say that he’s a 38th-year
senior?  ***** What Have You Done For Me Lately? – After starting the
season with a couple dispiriting losses, it’s unlikely that a 55-20
victory over New Mexico State will be enough to quiet the grousing
Auburn alumni.  These results no doubt will leave Coach Tommy “Tele”
Tuberville, who has already survived one infamous coup attempt, as
nervous as Dick Cheney’s hunting partners.  ***** Lei’ing it On Pretty
Thick – Hawaii won 66-10 despite Colt Brennan being confined to the
sidelines with a sprained ankle.  Of course, the Rainbow Warriors were
hosting always-tough Charleston Southern, which sounds more like a
cuisine than a college. ***** Good News, Bad News – The good news is
that Texas Tech QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell torched the Okie State
secondary, which your humble narrator recently and presciently dubbed
pathetic, for 46 completions, 646 yards and five TDs.  The bad news is
that his team still managed to lose 49-45.  ***** Cardinal Sins -
Syracuse roared into Papa John’s Stadium sporting a winless record
including a 42-10 U-Dub drubbing.  They promptly upset the #18
Louisville Cardinals, despite 45 completions for 555 yards and four TDs
from Louisville QB Brian Brohm.  Hey, Brian, maybe you and Harrell can
split the therapist bills.  *****Talking a Blue(grass) Streak  - After
Kentucky’s 42-29 upset victory over Arkansas, Mildcat QB Andre Woodson
has gone an NCAA-record 298 passes without an interception.  The
remarkable streak has coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks thanking God that his
guy doesn’t have to face off against Kenny Wheaton.  The therapy and
drugs should be kicking in soon.  ***** Making Mole-Hill-Neers Out Of
Mountaineers – Conference rival Wofford upset Appalachian State,
snapping the Mountaineers’ 17-game winning streak.  After the game, a
chant was heard coming from the Wofford locker room, “Bring on
Michigan!” ***** A Sigh of Relief That Registered on the Richter Scale -
Nebraska got back on the winning track Saturday when the Ball State
kicker narrowly missed a last-second FG, preserving a 41-40 Cornholer
victory.  We’re not talking Oklahoma here; we’re talking Ball F*ckin’
State.  Kirby Cornhusker must be so proud…

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Fat Charlie accepted the Notre Shame coaching job with a promise that he
would make history.  Sure enough, the Frightened Irish are now 0-4 for
the first time in their 119-yard history and riding a six-game losing
streak stretching back to last season, having allowed 30+ points in each
of the defeats.  On the bright side, the Weis Guys finally got into
positive rushing yardage for the season and they actually scored an
offensive TD for the first time this year.  Rudy must be nearly as proud
as Kirby…