As long-time readers will attest, the MMQB has minimal respect for the arbitrary and hypocritical actions of the NCAA. It’s ridiculous actions like forcing the University of North Dakota to go to court to defend their right to take the field of battle as the Boys Named Sioux while granting big-money schools like Illinois and Florida State permission to continue using tribal monikers. And the dandruff crowd in Indianapolis continues to drag its penny-loafers in investigating the blatant abuses and lack of institutional control in the sweetheart housing deal provided to the family of former U$C star Reggie “Burning” Bush. So what if the family is camped out, rent-free, in a luxury home provided by an agent looking to secure a contract with the star running back? So what if it’s going on right under the nose of the school? So what if said agent is a fixture on the sidelines of the U$C practice field and in the Condom locker room? Gee, nothing going on there – at least not for when it involves a marquee school in the nation’s most-important college football market! That tears it. From this point forward, the MMQB resolves that he will do everything in his power to protest this selective enforcement, this double standard, this ineffectual leadership. I’ll show them, I will. I hereby refuse to use their chosen – and inexplicably tongue-twisting – terminology of Division 1: Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and Division 1: Football Championship Subdivision (FCS). Nope, not me. In a nod to tradition, I’m sticking with 1A and 1AA. I hate to be drastic, but something has to be done. ‘Eff ‘em all! Phew, it was good to get that off my chest. And now on with our show…POOCHES HALF AS GOOD AS THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
On Saturday, THE Most Beautiful Stadium in America fairly oozed with color and pageantry. There was THE huge Ohio State University flag, complete with marijuana leaf honoring Maurice Clarett. There were THE thousands of pimple-faced high school band members, including a hundred tuba players all dreaming of the day they could dot THE “I” for THE Ohio State University Band. And even though too many of THE fans were clad in scarlet, it was great to see THE ol’ girl filled up again. (No, I’m not talking about some weird geriatric porn, you sickos; I’m talking about having 75,000 fans in THE stadium.) And for one half, our BP&G Dawgies, those lovable mutts, went toe-to-toe with THE #10 team in all THE land. We had THE Ohio State coach, decked out in his Skippy Neutressel sweater vest, muttering that somehow he didn’t think his team was in Akron anymore. Things looked right with THE world. Then, in THE second half, they stubbed that aforementioned toe. THE OSU offensive line simply took over THE game, pushing our brave but overmatched warriors off THE line of scrimmage time and again (as your humble MMQB at THE half had sagely predicted/feared would happen) allowing THE Ohio State to go to THE Wells way too many times. There is clearly still a significant talent gap between these two teams. Name one Husky starter, save perhaps Jake Locker, who could start for Ohio State. Short list, huh? (As an aside, OT Ben Ossai could probably false start for Ohio State, but that’s another story altogether.) Despite this clear disparity, however, this Dawgfan is left with THE lingering case of (after-effects of a pre-game meal at China First? Well, yes, but that’s not what I was going to say) what-might-have-beens. If only we had held onto several catchable interceptions and THE refs hadn’t blown a call that would have given our Dawgs of Defense an early fumble return for a TD, we might have turned THE f*ckeye QB into THE Boeckman Turnover Overdrive. If only we had converted on three forays into THE OSU red (or is that scarlet?) zone, rather than getting bizarre with our play calling and too loose with THE football. And if only my aunt had balls; she’d be my uncle. So there you have it. THE Ohio State scores on THE last play of THE game, when all sportsmanship dictates they should be taking a knee, and sashays out of Montlake with a 33-14 victory that both was and wasn’t that wide. We’ve come a long way, baby. We still have a long way to go.
I HAVE TO ASK, ARE WE SURPRISED?
The outlaw, we-can-do-anything-because-Uncle-Phil-holds-the-ultimate-get-out-of-jail-card mentality continues to rear its ugly head down in Anarchy Central. Forged letters of intent? Sure, why not? Free rent provided by a booster in exchange for tickets? Absolutely! And what can we do to ensure a true spirit of sportsmanship among the fans? Hey, let’s show video of children vomiting to the photos of opposing coaches! Great idea! Or how about having our mascot attack the opposing team’s mascot? Of course, we are the University of Zero! We can do anything we want! Think I’m kidding? Check out: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7_aaYih92ss for footage of the unprovoked and inexplicable assault. The -MMQB hasn’t seen that kind of psychotic malice incarnate on display on the Field-Named-For-A-Coach-With-A-Career-Losing-Record since notorious future-killer Kip Kinkel posed for pictures with his family, aka his future victims. Most places, this sort of behavior is called assault. At the Concrete Bunker, it’s called a good, clean fun way of rallying the troops. So some poor schmuck has to go back to his fraternity house in Houston and tell his buddies he got his ass kicked by a deranged Disney character. And the supposedly suspended U-Ho mascot watched Saturday’s game from an honored perch in the press boxes, where he got a standing ovation from the kool-aid drinkers of the Concrete Bunker. Oh, and by the way, in the on-field side-show, the Ladies of the Knight rushed to a 42-14 halftime lead and coasted to a 52-21 victory over a Fresno State team still trying to catch its breath from a triple overtime loss to A&M the prior week. The Webfeet were paced by 165 yards and 2 TDs from Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart.
BOOGS VANDALIZE I-DEE-HO
Only 32,000 hearty souls ventured into venerable Martin Stadium to witness the return of former Boog d-coordinator and current Idaho head coach Rob Akey “Breaky.” Which brings up the obvious question: what else could one possibly be doing on a Saturday night in Pull-my-finger-man? Regardless, those who were sufficiently lubricated to brave the stadium’s hemorrhoid-waiting-to-happen concrete seats were treated to a surprisingly competitive contest, as the pesky, plucky visitors from Moscow hung with the Boogs much longer than expected – tying the game at 21 – before finally falling by a 45-28 tally. Yes, it was ragged at times, with seven personal fouls levied against the two teams. But in all seriousness, all indications are that Akey is going to be good for U-of-I, as he demonstrated by (a) actually wanting to coach there, (b) kicking 17 of Dennis Erickson’s miscreants off the squad during the offseason, and (c) getting his charges to play some tough-nosed football against both Wazzu and U$C. In contrast, the jury is still out on the Palouse Puddytats, as Wisconsin looks much weaker than first thought and two modest victories over inferior opponents really don’t tell us much. Next week, we’ll learn a lot more as the Pussies visit Condom Central (speaking of potential porn titles).
REAL STUDENT ATHLETES NOTCH IMPORTANT VICTORIES
Despite starting an untested sophomore backup at QB, the vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us are still undefeated, as they pushed their season mark to 2-0 with a 22-12 victory over Claremont-Mudd-Scripps. These guys are so righteous that they take on opponents three at a time. In lesser news, the Bearcats of Willamette evened their season mark at 1-1 by squeaking out a 14-7 victory over Cal Lutheran.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
It was just like old times in Lincoln, where a top-rated squad shoved the ball up the collective ass of a team hopelessly incapable of stopping them. Unfortunately, the shovers were the visiting U$C Condoms, and the shovees were the host Cornholers. The Toejams averaged 8.2 yards per rush in running up a 313-31 rushing yardage edge and thumping the Children of the Corn, 49-31 in a game that wasn’t that close. If it weren’t for two meaningless TDs in garbage time, the N on the helmets of the Big Red Machine would have stood for Not Even Effin’ Close. In other action involving teams from La-La-Land, the Utes put the Ruin squarely back in Bruins, handing (f)UCLA a 44-6 asswhuppin’. The Ruin offense committed five turnovers and was held without a TD for the first time in four years. Hey, Karl, would you mind arranging a similar performance next week? In the other Pathetic10 loss, untimely penalties and critical fumbles were too much to for even Willie Tuitama’s 446 yards passing to overcome, and the ‘Zona Mildcats lost to the NCAA’s latest selective enforcement targets, New Mexico, 29-27. Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal turned in a workmanlike performance in dispatching a vastly inferior opponent, 42-12 over Louisiana Tech. The same can be said of the Barkrats, who recoverd from the Cincy debacle by pasting I-AA Idaho State, 61-10, and the Stun Devils, who coasted to a 34-13 victory over San Diego State. Finally, in a historic victory, Stunnedford registered its first shut-out in more than a decade with a 37-zip victory over the San Jose State Sputterings.
OFFENSIVE? BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY…
There are unconfirmed reports of 17 Catholic Church fires caused by record numbers of prayer candles left burning for the Pacifist Irish offense, which again reached a new high in lows in a 38-0 whitewashing in the Big House. How bad could it be? Try -27 yards on their first two drives. Try -6 yards rushing for the game, bringing their season-long rushing total to -14 yards. Try zero (as in nada, nil, zilch) offensive TD’s in three games. Hey, Chuckles, maybe you should emulate your mentor Billy Bellicose and try a little creative cheating? God knows, at this point it couldn’t hoit. The only demonstrable talent demonstrated by any Irish offensive player this year has been former starting QB Demetrius Jones who showed a rare ability for gettin’ out while the gettin’ is good. He left the team without notice this weekend and has enrolled at Northern Illinois. As they say in the business, good-bye, Charlie! And the news on the other side of the ball isn’t any better: 30+ points allowed in five straight games, a first in school history. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the MMQB must agree with the assessment of College Football News, “this looks like a horrifically coached team with bad snaps, poor execution, penalties, and general sloppiness all over the place.” Kevin White, are you listening or are you still looking at the world through your Golden Domer glasses, trying in vain to convince yourself that getting rid of the Fat Boy isn’t going to cost your bead-rubbing bosses a pretty penny when it all implodes? Bottom line: it’s going to be nice to have a BCS season without these pretenders stealing a spot from a deserving team!
QUICK HITTERS
Ain’t Gonna Be No Rematch – Texas trailed in the fourth quarter before finally earning a hard-fought 35-32 victory over Central Florida, which was opening its new stadium with a rare national TV experience. As Apollo Creed learned, sometimes the underdog punches you right in the gut. ***** Great Day to Be For ‘Bama, Vol. 1 – Nick Saban’s troops scored a last-second TD to avoid a second-half melt-down of biblical proportions and nip Arkansas 41-38 after the Hogs had scored 28 straight points. Somewhere the ghost of Bear Bryant is smiling. No really, it’s just hard to tell. ***** Great Day to Be For ‘Bama, Vol. 2 – SEC perennial also-rans Mississippi State stormed into Jordan Hare Stadium and stunned Auburn 19-14, handing the home team its first SEC opening day loss in 15 years. Maybe Touchdown Tommy Tubberville’s Tigger troops aren’t too terrific this season. God, I love alliteration. *****Understand the Sentiment – Early in the week, Norfolk State coach Pete Adrian said, “After watching Rutgers on film and watching Michigan, I think I’d rather be playing Michigan.” His charges promptly went out and were drilled 49-0 by the Jersey Boys. Hey Pete, how about setting your sights a little lower? Like, say, Notre Lame? ***** Just For Kicks – Iowa State kicker Bret Culbertson set a school record with five FGs in the Cyclone’s 15-13 upset of cross-state rival Iowa. Better ice down that leg. ***** In Other Appendage News – Hawaii’s 49-14 victory over UNLV marked the 29th straight game in which the surfin’ slinger has thrown for 200+ yards. There are only about 10 more games for that guy’s arm to fall off, because we don’t want to see the U-Dub DB’s squaring off against him. *****A Man Among (Little) Boys – PJ Hill, who outweighed all but two of The Citadel’s defensive starters, rumbled for five TDs and led Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers to a less-than-impressive 45-31 victory over the I-AA Bulldogs. Next up for PJ and the Bratwurst Bunch will be the Twin City Furniture flag football Marauders. ***** Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics – Middle Tennessee State actually won the time-of-possession battle against #2 LSU. Unfortunately, the Blue Raiders didn’t accomplish much in all that time, as the suffocating Bayou Bengal defense held them to 90 total yards in a 44-0 whitewashing. ***** On the Flip Side – In contrast, the Cowpokes of Okie State gave up 562 yards, 388 through the air, in a 41-23 loss to Troy. The OSU pass defense was the worst this learned observer has seen since, well, the Gilbertson days at U-Dub. Sorry; sometimes honesty hurts, but I calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em. ***** Bluegrass Battle Royale – Kentucky scored a TD with less than a minute to play to nip in-state rival Louisville, 40-34. After the game, Mildcat head man Rich “Babbling” Brooks said, “Well, it was no Kenny Wheaton. But it wasn’t bad.” Results of the coach’s psychiatric evaluation are pending. ***** Gophers Broke – Minnesota lost to Florida Atlantic 42-39. It was an equal opportunity debacle, as the offense coughed up seven turnovers and the defense gave up 463 yards and five TDs through the air. ***** No Miner Miracle – UTEP was tripped up by New Mexico State 29-24. The loss sent Miner head coach searching for comforting and condolences at the nearest stripper pole. ***** Missed It By That Much – Just as the long-suffering Temple of Doom appeared to score a last-second TD to nip U-Conn, the refs ruled the receiver was out of bounds when he hauled in the deflected pass. Video evidence was not sufficient to overturn the call. And so it goes… ***** Stop the Presses! – In upending Northworstern 20-14, Duke ended the nation’s longest losing streak at 22 games. The “honor” of the longest such streak now slides to the narrow shoulders of Florida International at 15 games. ***** Speaking of FIU – On the negative side, the Olden Panthers lost 23-9 to Miami. On the bright side, the game didn’t devolve into the Sharks vs. Jets street brawl that marred last year’s game, costing both teams multiple suspensions and both coaches their jobs. Hey, where’s the respect for tradition?
“You can’t get advice on the woman you’re trying to hose from the woman you’re trying to hose.”
– Romeo Posar, Tin Cup
More sage advice to live by –
McTavish O’Fishlivet
