Monday Morning Quarterback

Ah, tradition. You gotta love it! On campuses across this great land of ours, leaves are turning colors. Beer cans are being crushed against foreheads. Navel rings are bouncing teasingly against the taut, tanned bellies of cheerleaders. And, of course, Willamette has launched another football season with a 23-9 loss, this time to Western Oregon. But the good news, according to the university’s official website, is that the Bearcats actually “won” the second half, 9-7. Nice try, guys, but this ain’t tennis. Little hint: in football, we count the scores of both halves together. But enough of the trivialities, let’s get on to the real deal:JAKE TURNS CARRIER DOME INTO LOCKER’S ROOM

So this is what all the fuss was about. So this is what a real quarterback looks like. Yes, my friends, we have to remember that it was just Syracuse, which seems to be akin to playing … well, not Appalachian State, but maybe one of those compass/state schools like Eastern Michigan. Nevertheless, let us not forget what all this youngster did was travel 3000+ miles across the country to start his first college game against a team from a BCS conference in their domed stadium on national television. At the similar point in the MMQB’s college experience, he was still searching for a reliable source for beer and practicing fizz-buzz in Herringbone Hall. But that’s another story, one not nearly as compelling as that of the boy from Ferndale, aka Our Savior in Cleats. OK, the stats were solid for three quarters of action: 80+ yards rushing and two TDs, 14-19 passing for another 145 or so. But the poise and natural leadership he demonstrated were even more impressive. I don’t want to get my ample posterior deposited too squarely on the Locker Bandwagon, but I feel duty bound to report that he also reportedly whipped up a mean post-game Steak Oscar with fingerling potatoes, entertained the team with a stirring rendition of the St. Crispin’s Day speech, and performed emergency heart surgery on the charter pilot on the way back to Montlake. I kid you not, my friends, this kid is gonna be good. And the rest of the team didn’t look too bad either. After a slow start that had me worrying that the block S on the home team’s helmets was causing Stanford flashbacks, our lovable student athletes began dominating the line of scrimmage to the tune of a 302-8 advantage in rushing yards. Again, we’re not getting ahead of ourselves since it was just the (Ex)’Cuse, but there were times over the last few seasons that your humble narrator seriously doubted that the Dawgies could ring up that kind of advantage against fog. I’m still not saying the Pooches will be partying in post-season, and we’ll know a lot more after playing Boise State next week. Let’s hope the green turf throws off the visitors from Spudland. Until then, let us bask in His Glory…

BOOGS BARREL-ROLLED BY WE-DON’T-NEED-NO-STINKING BADGERS

In the much anticipated beer-pong matchup of the nation’s preeminent institutions of higher drinking, Wisconsin doubled up Wazzu, seven six-packs to three-and-a-half six-packs. That’s 42-21 for those of you still struggling with the math WASL. Some would lay the blame for the loss squarely at the foot of the Boog special teams, which once again operated in the short-bus-to-school meaning of the word “special,” with untimely penalties, poor punt and kick coverage, a blocked punt, and the two-for-one special, a interception on a fake punt after a bad snap. God, let’s hope they keep up this trend all the way to the Apple Cup. But this learned observer believes that the Palouse Pussies simply got worn down and ultimately pushed around by a bigger, stronger team. And it would be OK if that were the case in the Apple Cup, too, though I’m not holding my breath just yet.

U-HO DOES IN HO-USTON

As expected, the Foul Fowls dispatched a glorified high school team, the Houston Cougars, 48-27, in the Concrete Bunker Saturday. What wasn’t so much expected was that the Zero defensive front seven became the front sieve, resulting in two defensive backs being forced to make 24 tackles. Casey Keenum, not even expected to be the Cougar’s starting QB, threw for 179 yards and TB Anthony Aldridge hung a cool two bills on the Quacker defense. This, my friends, is not a good thing. In fact, it was a ball game until late in the third quarter when Saint Phil raised his waffle-patterned hand and pronounced, in the words of my sainted grandmother (and she’s been quoted by so many), “Enough is enough.” Zero QB Dennis Dixon immediately tore off an 80 yard TD scamper to essentially seal the deal. Word is that he also turned two double plays and moved the runner over into scoring position with a nifty sacrifice bunt. But with the offense humming along as usual and the defense as soft as eider down, looks like it could be a shoot-out next Saturday in the Big House.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

The MMQB is known far and wide for his deadly accurate understanding of the nuances of college football, but sometimes his predictions (not unlike his middle-irons, cough) are downright scary in their laser-like accuracy. That was the certainly the case when the Peerless Prognosticator fearlessly forecast that the ‘Zona Mildcats would struggle mightily on offense. Sure enough, Willie “Or Won’t He?” Tuitiama spent the entire afternoon running for his life and the Tuscon Tabbies only avoided a shut-out by scoring a garbage TD against the Polygamists’ scrubs in the waning seconds of a 20-7 loss to B-Y-Who.

Meanwhile, in a shocker, the upstart U$C Condoms narrowly defeated the visiting Vandal juggernaut 38-10, spoiling the head coaching debut of former Boog Ass. Coach Rob Akey “Breaky.” Get used to it, Rob. Speaking of needing to get used to things, Stunnedford’s scoreboard operators were so shocked to see the Cardinal vault ahead of the visiting Ruins, they actually credited (f)UCLA with the game’s first TD. You have to forgive them, however – the students in charge only scored about 2000 on their SATs and, having seen the Cardinal score a mere three offensive TDs in five home games last year, they were out of practice. Fortunately for everyone involved, the Ruins soon righted the ship, burying the home squad 45-17 and ensuring the earth would not spin wildly off its axis. In Tempe, ASU walloped the Sputterin’ Spartans from San Jose 45-3, as new Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson showed little mercy for ol’ pal Dick Thome. Imagine what Dennis would have had in store if the opponent had been a coach he didn’t like, such Rick Nueheisel for instance. He’d be calling up deep post patterns like they were double Jack-and-cokes. The Barkrats unveiled their new halter top uniforms (which threaten to give the Zeroes a run for the money in the wretched department) and promptly dispatched the visiting Utes, 24-7, behind the 165 yards of Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard. Finally, Cal topped the Rocky Toppers 45-31, avenging last year’s opening game in which the Bares were treated like Ned Beatty in “Deliverance.” Gee, Coach Miles, it sounds to us like maybe, just maybe the second- or third-best team in the Pac10 can go toe to toe with some of the best the mighty SEC has to offer. And speaking of toes, can’t we all agree that any coach stupid enough to kick the ball to DeSean Jackson is just too stupid to live?

CARR CRASH – YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY

Well, that was fun wasn’t it? And to think, it only cost the Meeshegan athletic department a cool $400k to bring in the inferior Appalachian State for Saturday’s ritual slaughter. Mighty Michigan was finally going to drop from the prestigious schools that had never played a 1-AA school. Oops. They ended up also dropping from the ranks of the unbeaten, all of one week into the season. Don’t think ol’ Stoneface Lloyd is getting much sleep after the Mountaineers kicked some Wolverine booty in the Big House. Despite having won 76 percent of his games since 1995, Carr was already on a bit of a hot seat, primarily for his 3-6 record against THE Ohio State University. (A UM coach could win 98 percent of his games, but if the other two percent are losses to the tOSU, he better be looking over his shoulder and getting someone else to taste his food.) But now Lloyd’s seat has got to be hotter than an Armadillo’s arse on Arizona asphalt in August. (Class, did you see how the author there used both a metaphor and alliteration to drive home his point? Isn’t he clever?) The scary thing is that since Bo went up to go three yards and a cloud of dust with Woody Hayes on that Big Gridiron in the Sky, Big Blue is 0-3 and has given up 108 points. One can only hope that Wolverines will be truly snarling and ready to feast on a few feathers Saturday.

ALTAR BOYS ACROSS AMERICA ARE IN TEARS

…and it’s not because friendly Father Flannigan has just backed them into the closet where he stores the sacramental wine. Nope, it’s because the Fighting Rudies of Our Lady of Perpetual Fumble just got Rambling Wrecked 33-3, the worst season opening loss in school history, in a game that wasn’t even as close as the runaway scoreboard would indicate. The Weis Guys rolled up a mere 122 yards of total offense, including a stellar neg-8 on the ground. Guess ol’ Charlie might not be the genius that all the Shamrock suck-ups wanted to make him out to be. Either that or they can ignore the fact that most of the Domers are now Charlie’s recruits and just continue finding ways to blame Tyrone Willingham for anything remotely wrong with their program. Whatever gets you through the night…

QUICK HITTERS

Diogenes, Here’s Your Man – Former OSU All American LB Chris Spielman may be your honest man. He admitted on national TV that he had never been hit as hard as he was in 1986, when Rick Fenney and Co. administered a 40-7 buttwhuppin’ to his Buckeyes in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. All together now, “those were the days, my friends…” ***** Easing Into Their Title Defense – Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Mastergators were up 49-3, when their game against Western Kentucky was called due to lighting with 8:23 to go in the fourth quarter. Maybe God has his own Mercy Rule. ***** Speaking of Mercy – O-o-o-o-o-klahoma showed little mercy as they b*tch-slapped North Texas 79-10. Apparently the Not-so-Mean Green made the mistake of wearing Boise State Bronco t-shirts under their jerseys. ***** Talk About Your Fast Starts – In the most impressive first quarter this side of Corey Dillon’s 285 yards of individual total offense against San Jose State years ago, Mount Union ran up 52 points in the first quarter of its 75-7 rout of Averett. Somehow, I don’t imagine the Averett coaches congratulating their team that they only lost 23-7 in the last three quarters. ***** And Your Not-So-Fast Starts – With a handful of would-be starters suspended for off-field shenanigans, the Texas Donghorns struggled to a 21-13 victory over visiting Arkansas State. It was touch-and-go for a while, there, but after all, the politically incorrect Indians are no Appalachian State.

One week down – don’t even tell me how many to go…

McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – You can tell the Dawgs won. Not a single F-bomb in this week’s missive. I’ll have to work on that…