What a weekend of color and pageantry in college football. It was stranger
than Farrah Fawcett on Letterman, stranger than Tom Cruise on Oprah,
stranger even than Julia Roberts marrying Lyle Lovett or Angelina Jolie
hooking up with Billy Bob Thornton. I’m talking strange here, people, as
half of the top ten (#3, #4, #5, #7 and #10) fell in upsets. Could this be
the magical weekend? Could the stars align? Could the Mutts of Montlake
pull off the Miracle? Sadly, no. But that’s not to say the weekend didn’t
have its charms (the AFLACS got plucked, for instance). So read on … if
you dare.
MUTTS COMMEMORATE ALMOST-TITLE WITH ALMOST-UPSET
The 1960-61 version of the beloved-not-yet-purple-dark
-dark-blue-and-gold
was one of the best teams in the land and one of the best in school history.
They dominated #1 ranked Minnesota in the Granddaddy of Them All. But,
despite all logic to the contrary, the way the polls worked back then, the
impressive victory had no bearing on the final rankings or the national
championship. Nevertheless, some cut-rate, third-world diploma mill of a
foundation declared that team its national champion, so the powers that be
decided to honor the squad at Saturday’s game vs. the current
standard-bearers, the U$C Condoms. We all know what happened the last time
the Pooches squared off against an invading horde of Condoms following a
celebration of U-Dub football history. That’s right: 31-zip and all
Marijuanavich saw was purple. Could history possible repeat itself? Things
looked good as the scrappy band of pups took the field in their throw-back
jerseys. To be honest, the jerseys looked a little too much for my taste
like Willingham had been a sticky-fingered on his way out of South Bend.
What started out as a celebration of “what should have been” turned into a
game of “what could have been.” U$C has a remarkable collection of talent;
even from the second deck, their athletes just look somehow different …
and in an oh-my-God sort of way. There are times, especially when that
smothering defense is on the field, that a Toejam victory seems simply
inevitable, like coastal erosion or another OJ Simpson arrest. (To wit, a
nearly 300 yard advantage in total offense – how the hell were our plucky
pups even in this game?) But then there are times when the men of Troy seem
to rely too heavily on their collective talent (a mistake that the MMQB and
his vaunted KHS teammates never fell prey to) and begin coasting through the
game. This knowledgeable (and completely unbiased) observer is not yet sold
on Toejam QB John David Booty “Call,” who generally had enough time in the
pocket to pop up some Orville Redenbacher and do the New York Times
crossword (probably just the easy ones like they run on Monday, not the hard
ones from Saturday, but still…). Despite having all day and then some to
throw, Booty can be a little wild, a trait exploited by “Don’t Be” Mesphin
“With” Forrester late in the second quarter and almost (Gawddammitall why
couldn’t he have just cleanly caught the f**king thing?) by Bryron Davenport
late in the fourth. That latter borderline call was overturned by the
replay official – Gordon Reese, do you have an alibi? – giving the Condoms
the break they needed to kick a FG and all but wrap up the win. (It should
be noted that the officiating in the game did nothing to dispel the
Pathetic10’s reputation for incompetence.) And I say this with all due
respect: Pete “Christmas” Carroll may be an outstanding recruiter and a
great coach, but on the sidelines of a game he is nothing more than a whiny,
punk-ass bitch. He spent more time on the field than most of his players,
jawing at the refs, having a Gundy-esque melt-down on almost every call.
He’s like a f**kin’ Krzyzewski in cleats – and you wonder if his antics
eventually have the same intimidating impact on the zebras. Whatever, no
one can deny that the better team won. It’s just a shame that the better
team tried like hell to hand the underDawgs an historic upset, and the
Mutts, despite battling to the end, simply couldn’t get out of their own way
consistently enough to take advantage. Nevertheless, walking out of the
Most Beautiful Stadium in America, my final impression of U$C was this:
“they can be had.”
QUACKS FUMBLE AWAY CHANCE AT VICTORY
In contrast to the Husky throw-back uniforms, a quacking pack of
ruffled-feather AFLACS waddled onto the Field-Named-For-A
Coach-With-A-Losing-Career-Record decked out in their traditional throw-up
uniforms. And speaking of tradition, the home team was squaring off against
an undermanned opponent that found itself limping into the Concrete Bunker.
In this case, Cal’s Fighting Tedheads were without the services of three of
the starters on their defensive front seven (and for those of you still
struggling with the math WASL, that’s playing without 42.86 percent of your
D-line and linebackers.) As expected, the Quack Attack jumped out to an
early lead. But they were unable to corral DeSean Jackson, who torched the
Slugeater secondary for 11 catches, 161 yards and two TDs. Still, with the
game coming down to the wire, you had the sick feeling in the pit of your
stomach that Dennis the Menace and his mates were going to erase Cal’s
tenuous seven-point lead and send the game into overtime, where the Autzen
magic (and Phil’s big bucks) would spell further frustration for a call team
that had not won in the Bunker for some 20 years. And then it happened. A
beautiful thing happened. One of those things that proves there is a God
happened. Zero wide-out Cameron Colvin tried to stretch the ball out across
the goal line and instead fumbled it through the end zone, snuffing out any
chance of victory for the Forces of Evil (FOE). Or so we thought.
Immediately, the best refs money can buy went scurrying into replay mode.
We’ve seen that movie, too. (I’m pretty sure it’s still playing in Norman,
OK.) But try as they might, even in Eugene, they couldn’t undo what has
happened. (Excerpt from super-secret recording made by microphone the MMQB
hid in the replay booth: “We have to find a way to overturn this.” “We
can’t.” “We have to; I’ve got three kids in private school, dammit!”) Gee,
I wonder if Cal will be showing that replay on their stadium screen for
years to come. Or whether another gut-wrenching loss to Cal on the webbed
heels of a 4-0 start can send this season into the same tail-spin U-Ho
endured last year. One can hope.
BOOGS OUT-MILD THE MILDCATS
Mike Stoops spent much of last week in the hospital, battling kidney stones.
Rumor has it that his assistants heard his fever-pitched groans of “gotta
pass” and immediately changed the Mildcat game plan against Wazzu. The
results were nothing less than spectacular, as QB Willie
Tuitama-lama-ding-dong tossed a career-high five TDs and ‘Zona scored 28
unanswered points to break open a 20-20 tie and coast to a 48-20 victory.
On the bright side for the Fighting Pumas of the Palouse, in the third
quarter they actually forced a punt. This was a first for them since the
Idaho game, a span of almost eight full quarters of football. So they got
that going for them as they prepare for next weekend’s invasion by former
coach Dennis “I’ll Have Another” Erickson and his surging Stunned Devils.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Speaking of the Stun Devils, ASU stunned Stunnedford 41-3. All in all, it
was a stunning victory for a team that hadn’t won a Pathetic10 game in the
state of California this century. Tortilla Tosser coach Denny “I’ll Have
Another” Erickson celebrated by toasting his nickname. Meanwhile, the Ruins
put the pedal to the metal in the second half and cruised to a 40-14 victory
over the Barkrats. OSU coach Mike Riley had a completely different reason
to bend his elbow, as he has never – as an assistant or as a head coach -
beaten (f)UCLA.
RIVALRY WEEK IN THE SMALL COLLEGE RANKS PRODUCES DECIDEDLY MIXED RESULTS
What in the name of Frosty Westering is going on here? Our beloved U-Pay-Us
Loggers fumbled their way to a 37-8 shellacking at the hands of the hated
P-L-Utes. (“I’m a Logger, I’m a Logger, I’m a Logger through and through;
Oh, I’d rather be a Logger than a Lute at PLU.”) And then the Bare-Pussies
of Willamette stunned dreaded rival Linfield, 33-32 on a FG with four
seconds remaining. Reports are that the kick may have actually sailed
outside the uprights, but the play could not be overturned as all replay
officials within a 500 mile radius had already been ordered to focus their
attention and creative juices on the final play in the Concrete Bunker.
FREUDIAN SLIP
In an interview on ESPN’s “College Football Live” this week, Mike Bawlalotti
tried to downplay his anger at senior QB Dennis “The Menace” Dixon’s
decision to spend his summer not working out with his teammates but instead
playing for an Atlanta Braves farm team. In fact, he said, “It probably did
Dennis good to be playing another professional sport.” Guess it’s tough to
put those little envelopes with the swoosh in the corner and the cash inside
completely out of your mind, isn’t it, Mikey?
GOOD-BYE DAWG FANS!
Lou Gellerman, your stadium announcer at the Most Beautiful Stadium in
America, has announced his retirement. Let’s face it, we will all miss
Lou’s signature “Hello, Dawg Fans” almost as much as we’ll miss his
sometimes comical attempts to pronounce names like TJ Houshmandzadeh. The
“preliminary indication” is that “they’ll measure” the skills of potential
successors in the off-season. Could the dulcet tones you hear be our
favorite former broadcaster working to knock the rust off the ol’ pipes?
BIG TWO IN BIG TWELVE NO BIG DEAL
Some of the luster is definitely off the Red River Rivalry, as both
combatants were taken down a few notches Saturday. Colorado came from 17
down in the second half to upset visiting #3 Oklahoma 27-24, primarily by
holding the high-octane (it is, after all, oil country) Boomer offense in
check. The Cardinal and Cream came into the game averaging 562 yards and
61.5 points, but were held to 230 total yards and 24 points. After the
game, Coach Moonbeam celebrated by lighting up some sandalwood incense,
enjoying some Mu-Shu tofu, and curling up with his favorite Carlos Castenada
paperback. In contrast, Clay Bennett could be found curled up in the fetal
position and whimpering like he’d just learned that the City of Seattle had
retained Slade Gorton for its legal team. The Boomer Sooners’ next
opponent, the Texas Donghorns, fared no better, as they were bitch-slapped
at home, 41-21, by Kansas State. The Mildcats scored three non-offensive
TDs on a punt return, a kick-off return, and an interception. That’s many
happy returns if you’re not wearing burnt orange. The K-State defense also
made life miserable for Donghorn QB Colt McCoy, who had four passes
intercepted, was knocked out of the game, and spent most of the fourth
quarter puking on the sidelines. That is not how to get laid in Austin, my
boy. One is left with the nagging suspicion that, absent Vince Young, we’re
back to seeing the real Mack Brown – a great recruiter and a mediocre coach
who fails to get the most out of the impressive talent he assembles.
QUICK HITTERS
Most Creative Use of Scholarship Money – Third-string tOSU QB Antinio Henton
was arrested recently for soliciting a prostitute. Just guessing here, but
I don’t think that’s what Buckeye coaches meant when they said he should
“work on hooking up with his wide receiver.” ***** Speaking of Money – A
Texas newspaper has revealed that A&M head coach Dennis Franchione has been
charging boosters $1200 annually for a “VIP newsletter” written by his
personal assistant. Guess it’s hard to scrape by on the $2 million he makes
from the university. ***** Pretty in Pink – In their 20-17 victory over
1-AA Arkansas Pine Bluff, New Mexico State wore pink ribbons and socks to
honor Coach Hal Mummie’s wife, who has been battling breast cancer. An
unnamed spokesman for the University of Oregon proclaimed the look
“mahvelous” and hinted that it could be incorporated into future Duck
uniform options. ***** Look Good, Play Good – The Ohio State University
methodically dismantled Minnesota 30-7 in the type of workmanlike
performance for which Jim Tressel’s teams are well-known. In fact, the game
was completely unremarkable save for the all-Gopher Golden neon uniforms
donned by the home team, a look that nearly threatened to knock the Klingon
pajamas of the University of Zero from their historic position as the
pinnacle of bad taste. Nearly. ***** Oh, Here’s A Surprise – Reports of
academic scandal are rocking Florida State. The claim is that tutors
arranged on-line tests for athletes and then called out the answers to them.
Following the ‘Noles 21-14 victory over ‘Bama, there were reports that
unidentified FSU officials could be heard shouting, “That’s a seven point
difference!” ***** Fun While It Lasted – Tulane battled visiting LSU to a
10-9 halftime score. Unfortunately the surprised Green Wave players looked
around their locker room at the break and realized that they were being
coached by ex-(f)UCLA boss Bob “Holy” Toledo. They immediately crumbled
like ripe gorgonzola, losing 34-9. ***** Putting the Champaign Back in
Illinois – The orange and blue are 4-1 after their 27-20 victory over Penn
State. Any wagers on when we’ll be seeing a hireronzook.com website? *****
Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – In Georgia Tech’s 13-3 upset of #13
Clemson, the Tigers missed four field goals and had a punt blocked. Did Jim
Lambright get back into coaching special teams and not tell any of us? *****
It Could Be Wurst – Despite surrendering more than 560 yards of total
offense, #9 Wisconsin avoided the upset plague by holding off Michigan State
37-34. No one really gives a rodent’s patooty except Lenny S., but if I
don’t mention it I’ll spend another week listening to him whine like Pete
Carroll. ***** History Repeats Itself, Volume 1 – For the second year in a
row, Auburn derailed the Master Gators, this time 20-17. Speaking of
repeats, Tiger kicker Wes “Is More” Bynum had to boot the winning FG twice,
as Urban “Legend” Meyer called time-out just the ball was snapped for his
first attempt. ***** History Repeats Itself, Volume 2 – Also for the second
year in a row, Rutgers was upset one week after breaking into the Top 10,
this time by a Maryland squad that righted the ship after allowing two TDs
in the final 52 seconds of the first half. Scarlet Knight coach Greg
Schiano might want to keep his team from reading their own press clippings.
***** And As Long As We’re Talking History -Notre Dame is still winless.
Francisco Franco is still dead.
THIS JUST IN
A new book claims that mobsters fixed the 1954 Oklahoma – Oklahoma State
game (which Bud Wilkinson’s Boomer Sooners won, without covering the spread)
by lacing OU’s pre-game meal with laxatives. Next up is an investigation
into the 2006 Oklahoma – Oregon tussle.
And in closing, all I can say is, “Great, I’ve got a Trig mid-term in the
morning and I’m being chased by Guido the Killer Pimp!”
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – There will be no MMQB next week. Of course, the BP&G and the dreaded
Dux have a bye next week, so really what’s the point? To be honest, the
actual reason for the break in the action is that your intrepid reporter
will be off soaking up the thousand shades of green, which I am happy to
report, is not a euphemism for the University of Zero uniform menu. No,
sports fans, I will be sucking down real Guinness (one of the four basic
food groups) and chasing the little white ball around Ireland. Of course
the way I’ve been hitting it lately, some of that chasing is likely to take
place in knee-high fescue. God help me, I’d give my left testicle to hit a
few decent iron shots. Since I will drag my jet-lapped carcass home on the
evening of Saturday, October 13th, that week’s MMQB may also be impacted.
So here I sit, in the City by the Bay, San Francisco, in the majestic
Fairmont Hotel. And what am I doing? Sampling a fine California
Cabernet? Taking in a jazz club? Even sucking on a Ghiradelli
chocolate? Nope, none of those things. I am sitting in my hotel room,
for reasons that pass all human understanding, banging out this drivel
for you mopes. For free. I wonder; do they sell lives on e-Bay?
PUPS NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS VS. (F)UCLA
Let me get this straight. We’re hoping that the BP&G is on the right
track. They’re facing a Ruin squad that once was considered one of the
top 10 in the country, but whose most recent outing was a 44-6
ass-whuppin’ at the hands of a winless Utah team led by a back-up
quarterback. And speaking of back-up QB’s, that was exactly what
Dorrell & Co. would be trotting onto the Rose Bowl field. Sounds like
an opportunity to the get the conference season off to a good start.
But no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. Let me tell you this, my friends: Teams that
aspire to be anything more than bottom feeders do not and cannot play
the embarrassing way that the Mutts o’ Montlake played Saturday evening.
Let’s go to the evidence, Stan. What do good teams do? Well, having
never been a member of a good football team, your humble narrator has to
base his assessment on second-hand observations. But I am fairly
confident that after taking the lead, good teams do not let their
opponents convert on effin’-third-and-effin’-twenty and then give up 58
more yards on an effin’ halfback pass. After pulling within seven
points and needing to stop an opponent offense that is down to a
non-scholarship QB, good teams stop the effin’ run and do not give up an
effin’ 85 yard drive in three effin’ plays. Then after scoring on a
long TD pass to again pull within seven and seemingly seize the
momentum, you effin’ do not effin’ give up an effin’ TD return on the
effin’ kick off. And finally, a good team does not fumble the ensuing
kick-off, recover, go three and effin’ out and then shank the effin’
punt. Unfortunately, while those are things that good teams do not do,
they are exactly what the effin’ Pooches did. In short, we have no
killer instinct. When we get a team down or even when we just pull
even, we have all the ability to rise to the occasion of an 93-year-old
man who misplaced his Viagra. Give me a second to effin’ collect
myself, won’t you? JayzusHChristonaStick, when will the madness end?
Not until we stop getting pushed around in the trenches. Not until we
start making sure tackles. Not until we cut out the bizarre red-zone
play calling. Not until our offense stops spending long stretches
looking like an elderly woman trying to put on a girdle in a phone
booth. In other words, certainly not this week with the Condoms coming
(no pun intended) to town.
THIS SH*T IS GETTING OLD
Maybe this Harbaugh guy is for real. After all, the Stunnedford
Cardinal came roaring back from a 21-3 deficit with four straight TDs to
grab a 31-21 lead over the visiting Slugeaters. Unfortunately, just
when the beautiful upset seemed to be at hand, the Ladies of the Knight
came screaming back with 34 unanswered points and beat the Chardonnay
Swillers going away, 55-31. I have to say, this is a habit that the
MMQB finds almost as annoying as ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, root canal and
watered-down beer. Together. After the game, AFLAC head man Mikey
Bawlalotti said, “We had to get a gut check at halftime.” They got a
much more valuable kind of check. Through the MMQB’s double-secret
probation contacts within the cellular phone industry, we were able to
receive copies of a text message sent from one P. Knight in the 503 area
code to a J. Harbaugh in the 650 area code. While I feel duty bound to
clean up the atrocious spelling and grammar from the original, the text
of the intercepted message read something like this: ”Jim – I hope you
are enjoying yourself, you little prick. This is not what we talked
about, and you better get this thing turned around but fast. It’s about
time for you to remember where the athletic department is getting the
money to pay your salary. I’m not talking about any of this last-second
sh*t, either. I want a margin of at least three touchdowns. And make
it look good.” Am I the only one with a flashback to Eddie Albert as
the warden in the original “Longest Yard?” I think not.
BOOGS BONED BY CONDOMS
Saturday’s 47-14 thrashing by the Big, Bad U$C Condoms was the first
game retired Wazzu SID Rod Commons “Cold” has missed since 1976, a
streak of 353 straight contests. Think about that for a minute. That’s
more than 21,000 minutes of mostly bad football. During that period,
the Boogs were 176-175-5. (And remember, many of those wins were
against the likes of Idaho and Montana State and other similar powers.)
You have to salute such a complete and total level of mediocrity. Of
course, “mediocrity” is also the term that could best be applied to this
season’s version of the Fightin’ Puddytats of the Palouse. They’ve
gotten pretty well b*tch-slapped by the two decent teams on their
schedule, the We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers and the Toejams, and
they’ve slept-walked to unimpressive victories over Idaho and San Diego
State. The Boog offense is sometimes – perhaps often – effective under
the direction of Alex “Season on the” Brink, at least when he remembers
to throw the ball to the guys wearing a uniform like his. (Hey, give
him a break; he is, after all, going to Wazzu.) But the post-Akey
defense is … uh … inconsistent. Of course, consistency is
over-rated when it comes to the floundering Boog special teams which are
to crisp, high-quality execution what Britney Spears is to reasoned
foreign policy debate.
IN MORE IMPORTANT NEWS…
The Willamette Bare Tats lost, as was seemingly inevitable, 34-27 to
Southern Oregon. Even at this early stage in the season, the Boys from
Salem appear headed for another losing campaign. Meanwhile, the brave
scholar-athletes representing U-Pay-Us battled valiantly before falling
28-26 to the Whittier Poets. Next thing you know they’ll be dropping
games to the Flower Arrangers and Ballet Dancers. Finally, Whitworth
topped off Wisconsin-Stout 23-21. Next up for the Pirates (aaargh) will
be Minnesota Pilsner.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The ASU Stun Devils debut in the top 25 following their 44-32
come-from-behind victory over the OSU Barkrats. Honestly, the
combination of Tempe weather, ASU facilities, sun-tanned and morally
pragmatic nubile young coeds, lax-to-non-existent academic standards,
and Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson is the perfect storm. Fear the
Tortilla Tossers. Meanwhile, the fighting Tedheads of Cal jumped out to
a big lead and then coasted to a routine 45-27 victory over the ‘Zona
Mildcats. Methinks that Stoops’ seat has got to be getting hotter with
each subsequent notch on the L-bedpost.
TIME TO BREAK OUT THE AMEX PLATINUM CARD
Recent reports are that Baylor trustee Robert McNair selflessly donated
$100 million to the Baylor College of Medicine. Apparently McNair’s
generosity has produced a few pangs of guilt behind the Beaverton Berm,
where Uncle Phil’s obscene giving to his alma mater has served not to
benefit humanity but to promote the trivial and twisted world of Mikey
Bawlalotti and his henchmen. The Swooshmeister has apparently rethought
his priorities and will henceforth be directing more of his substantial
fortune toward some of the University of Zero’s most important and
distinguished academic programs, including its world-renowned
Departments of Gas Pumping, Hemp Farming, and Suicidal Legal Injection
(SLI).
LOVE, OREGON STYLE
A Klamath Falls, Oregon man was arrested recently for chopping the head
off his ex-girlfriend’s cat and keeping it in a glass jar in his car.
(You just can’t make this sh*t up!) This bizarre behavior was
reportedly an attempt to impress his current girlfriend. Me, I tend to
go with flowers. Anyway, when asked what led him to concoct this -
shall we say, unusual? – strategy for securing the affections of his
beloved, the man calmly explained that the plan just came to him as he
was watching the video of the Duck mascot violently attacking the fuzzy
representative of the Houston Cougars.
RECRUITING UPDATE
Jamere Holland, kicked off the U$C football team for various legal
entanglements and other embarrassing offenses, has been granted a waiver
to secure eligibility in 2008 at another Pathetic10 school. What school
would be so desperate for victory-at-all-costs that they would open
their institutional arms to embrace a Felon-Waiting-To-Happen whose sins
were significant enough to get him kicked out of a school whose moral
compass is admittedly more than shaky. Guess. No, really. Go ahead
and guess. I dare you. Put simply, they don’t call it U-Ho for
nothing.
QUICK HITTERS
Mouth of the South Was Right – Fulfilling their coach’s bold prediction,
LSU dispatched USC 28-16. The bad news is that their big victory was
over South Carolina, not Southern Cal. The good news is that the key
score was a TD on a fake FG that featured a cute little flip of the ball
from the holder to the kicker, which in turn prompted a cute little flip
of the visor from Steve Superior to the turf. ***** Apparently The QB
Stinks – Spurrier has announced that he plans to bench starting QB Blake
Mitchell in favor of hot-shot freshman Chris Smelley. ***** PSU Sings
The Big Blues – Michigan seems to be back on track after a 14-9 over the
Nittany Lions. Rumor has it that Jo Pa left the Big House with a
serious case of Carr-sickness. ***** Fun While It Lasted – Things got
back to normal as Duke snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, in a
come-from-ahead loss to Navy, 46-43. Nevertheless, you have to be
impressed by the Devils’ one-game winning streak. *****Texas Steams
Rice – The Donghorns finally buried an inferior opponent, with a 58-14
victory over the outmanned Owls. It was the first time this season that
the ‘Horns’ margin of victory exceeded the number of team member
arrests. ***** Elsewhere In the Long Star State – The record shows that
Texas Baptist topped Sul Ross State 41-28. What is less clear is
whether Sul Ross State’s 59-year-old LB, Mike Flynt, saw any action.
You have to wonder, in the program does it say that he’s a 38th-year
senior? ***** What Have You Done For Me Lately? – After starting the
season with a couple dispiriting losses, it’s unlikely that a 55-20
victory over New Mexico State will be enough to quiet the grousing
Auburn alumni. These results no doubt will leave Coach Tommy “Tele”
Tuberville, who has already survived one infamous coup attempt, as
nervous as Dick Cheney’s hunting partners. ***** Lei’ing it On Pretty
Thick – Hawaii won 66-10 despite Colt Brennan being confined to the
sidelines with a sprained ankle. Of course, the Rainbow Warriors were
hosting always-tough Charleston Southern, which sounds more like a
cuisine than a college. ***** Good News, Bad News – The good news is
that Texas Tech QB Graham “Cracker” Harrell torched the Okie State
secondary, which your humble narrator recently and presciently dubbed
pathetic, for 46 completions, 646 yards and five TDs. The bad news is
that his team still managed to lose 49-45. ***** Cardinal Sins -
Syracuse roared into Papa John’s Stadium sporting a winless record
including a 42-10 U-Dub drubbing. They promptly upset the #18
Louisville Cardinals, despite 45 completions for 555 yards and four TDs
from Louisville QB Brian Brohm. Hey, Brian, maybe you and Harrell can
split the therapist bills. *****Talking a Blue(grass) Streak - After
Kentucky’s 42-29 upset victory over Arkansas, Mildcat QB Andre Woodson
has gone an NCAA-record 298 passes without an interception. The
remarkable streak has coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks thanking God that his
guy doesn’t have to face off against Kenny Wheaton. The therapy and
drugs should be kicking in soon. ***** Making Mole-Hill-Neers Out Of
Mountaineers – Conference rival Wofford upset Appalachian State,
snapping the Mountaineers’ 17-game winning streak. After the game, a
chant was heard coming from the Wofford locker room, “Bring on
Michigan!” ***** A Sigh of Relief That Registered on the Richter Scale -
Nebraska got back on the winning track Saturday when the Ball State
kicker narrowly missed a last-second FG, preserving a 41-40 Cornholer
victory. We’re not talking Oklahoma here; we’re talking Ball F*ckin’
State. Kirby Cornhusker must be so proud…
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Fat Charlie accepted the Notre Shame coaching job with a promise that he
would make history. Sure enough, the Frightened Irish are now 0-4 for
the first time in their 119-yard history and riding a six-game losing
streak stretching back to last season, having allowed 30+ points in each
of the defeats. On the bright side, the Weis Guys finally got into
positive rushing yardage for the season and they actually scored an
offensive TD for the first time this year. Rudy must be nearly as proud
as Kirby…
And for the love of God, will everyone please remember that gambling is
NOT allowed at Bushwood…
Thank you,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
As long-time readers will attest, the MMQB has minimal respect for the arbitrary and hypocritical actions of the NCAA. It’s ridiculous actions like forcing the University of North Dakota to go to court to defend their right to take the field of battle as the Boys Named Sioux while granting big-money schools like Illinois and Florida State permission to continue using tribal monikers. And the dandruff crowd in Indianapolis continues to drag its penny-loafers in investigating the blatant abuses and lack of institutional control in the sweetheart housing deal provided to the family of former U$C star Reggie “Burning” Bush. So what if the family is camped out, rent-free, in a luxury home provided by an agent looking to secure a contract with the star running back? So what if it’s going on right under the nose of the school? So what if said agent is a fixture on the sidelines of the U$C practice field and in the Condom locker room? Gee, nothing going on there – at least not for when it involves a marquee school in the nation’s most-important college football market! That tears it. From this point forward, the MMQB resolves that he will do everything in his power to protest this selective enforcement, this double standard, this ineffectual leadership. I’ll show them, I will. I hereby refuse to use their chosen – and inexplicably tongue-twisting – terminology of Division 1: Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and Division 1: Football Championship Subdivision (FCS). Nope, not me. In a nod to tradition, I’m sticking with 1A and 1AA. I hate to be drastic, but something has to be done. ‘Eff ‘em all! Phew, it was good to get that off my chest. And now on with our show…POOCHES HALF AS GOOD AS THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
On Saturday, THE Most Beautiful Stadium in America fairly oozed with color and pageantry. There was THE huge Ohio State University flag, complete with marijuana leaf honoring Maurice Clarett. There were THE thousands of pimple-faced high school band members, including a hundred tuba players all dreaming of the day they could dot THE “I” for THE Ohio State University Band. And even though too many of THE fans were clad in scarlet, it was great to see THE ol’ girl filled up again. (No, I’m not talking about some weird geriatric porn, you sickos; I’m talking about having 75,000 fans in THE stadium.) And for one half, our BP&G Dawgies, those lovable mutts, went toe-to-toe with THE #10 team in all THE land. We had THE Ohio State coach, decked out in his Skippy Neutressel sweater vest, muttering that somehow he didn’t think his team was in Akron anymore. Things looked right with THE world. Then, in THE second half, they stubbed that aforementioned toe. THE OSU offensive line simply took over THE game, pushing our brave but overmatched warriors off THE line of scrimmage time and again (as your humble MMQB at THE half had sagely predicted/feared would happen) allowing THE Ohio State to go to THE Wells way too many times. There is clearly still a significant talent gap between these two teams. Name one Husky starter, save perhaps Jake Locker, who could start for Ohio State. Short list, huh? (As an aside, OT Ben Ossai could probably false start for Ohio State, but that’s another story altogether.) Despite this clear disparity, however, this Dawgfan is left with THE lingering case of (after-effects of a pre-game meal at China First? Well, yes, but that’s not what I was going to say) what-might-have-beens. If only we had held onto several catchable interceptions and THE refs hadn’t blown a call that would have given our Dawgs of Defense an early fumble return for a TD, we might have turned THE f*ckeye QB into THE Boeckman Turnover Overdrive. If only we had converted on three forays into THE OSU red (or is that scarlet?) zone, rather than getting bizarre with our play calling and too loose with THE football. And if only my aunt had balls; she’d be my uncle. So there you have it. THE Ohio State scores on THE last play of THE game, when all sportsmanship dictates they should be taking a knee, and sashays out of Montlake with a 33-14 victory that both was and wasn’t that wide. We’ve come a long way, baby. We still have a long way to go.
I HAVE TO ASK, ARE WE SURPRISED?
The outlaw, we-can-do-anything-because-Uncle-Phil-holds-the-ultimate-get-out-of-jail-card mentality continues to rear its ugly head down in Anarchy Central. Forged letters of intent? Sure, why not? Free rent provided by a booster in exchange for tickets? Absolutely! And what can we do to ensure a true spirit of sportsmanship among the fans? Hey, let’s show video of children vomiting to the photos of opposing coaches! Great idea! Or how about having our mascot attack the opposing team’s mascot? Of course, we are the University of Zero! We can do anything we want! Think I’m kidding? Check out: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7_aaYih92ss for footage of the unprovoked and inexplicable assault. The -MMQB hasn’t seen that kind of psychotic malice incarnate on display on the Field-Named-For-A-Coach-With-A-Career-Losing-Record since notorious future-killer Kip Kinkel posed for pictures with his family, aka his future victims. Most places, this sort of behavior is called assault. At the Concrete Bunker, it’s called a good, clean fun way of rallying the troops. So some poor schmuck has to go back to his fraternity house in Houston and tell his buddies he got his ass kicked by a deranged Disney character. And the supposedly suspended U-Ho mascot watched Saturday’s game from an honored perch in the press boxes, where he got a standing ovation from the kool-aid drinkers of the Concrete Bunker. Oh, and by the way, in the on-field side-show, the Ladies of the Knight rushed to a 42-14 halftime lead and coasted to a 52-21 victory over a Fresno State team still trying to catch its breath from a triple overtime loss to A&M the prior week. The Webfeet were paced by 165 yards and 2 TDs from Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart.
BOOGS VANDALIZE I-DEE-HO
Only 32,000 hearty souls ventured into venerable Martin Stadium to witness the return of former Boog d-coordinator and current Idaho head coach Rob Akey “Breaky.” Which brings up the obvious question: what else could one possibly be doing on a Saturday night in Pull-my-finger-man? Regardless, those who were sufficiently lubricated to brave the stadium’s hemorrhoid-waiting-to-happen concrete seats were treated to a surprisingly competitive contest, as the pesky, plucky visitors from Moscow hung with the Boogs much longer than expected – tying the game at 21 – before finally falling by a 45-28 tally. Yes, it was ragged at times, with seven personal fouls levied against the two teams. But in all seriousness, all indications are that Akey is going to be good for U-of-I, as he demonstrated by (a) actually wanting to coach there, (b) kicking 17 of Dennis Erickson’s miscreants off the squad during the offseason, and (c) getting his charges to play some tough-nosed football against both Wazzu and U$C. In contrast, the jury is still out on the Palouse Puddytats, as Wisconsin looks much weaker than first thought and two modest victories over inferior opponents really don’t tell us much. Next week, we’ll learn a lot more as the Pussies visit Condom Central (speaking of potential porn titles).
REAL STUDENT ATHLETES NOTCH IMPORTANT VICTORIES
Despite starting an untested sophomore backup at QB, the vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us are still undefeated, as they pushed their season mark to 2-0 with a 22-12 victory over Claremont-Mudd-Scripps. These guys are so righteous that they take on opponents three at a time. In lesser news, the Bearcats of Willamette evened their season mark at 1-1 by squeaking out a 14-7 victory over Cal Lutheran.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
It was just like old times in Lincoln, where a top-rated squad shoved the ball up the collective ass of a team hopelessly incapable of stopping them. Unfortunately, the shovers were the visiting U$C Condoms, and the shovees were the host Cornholers. The Toejams averaged 8.2 yards per rush in running up a 313-31 rushing yardage edge and thumping the Children of the Corn, 49-31 in a game that wasn’t that close. If it weren’t for two meaningless TDs in garbage time, the N on the helmets of the Big Red Machine would have stood for Not Even Effin’ Close. In other action involving teams from La-La-Land, the Utes put the Ruin squarely back in Bruins, handing (f)UCLA a 44-6 asswhuppin’. The Ruin offense committed five turnovers and was held without a TD for the first time in four years. Hey, Karl, would you mind arranging a similar performance next week? In the other Pathetic10 loss, untimely penalties and critical fumbles were too much to for even Willie Tuitama’s 446 yards passing to overcome, and the ‘Zona Mildcats lost to the NCAA’s latest selective enforcement targets, New Mexico, 29-27. Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal turned in a workmanlike performance in dispatching a vastly inferior opponent, 42-12 over Louisiana Tech. The same can be said of the Barkrats, who recoverd from the Cincy debacle by pasting I-AA Idaho State, 61-10, and the Stun Devils, who coasted to a 34-13 victory over San Diego State. Finally, in a historic victory, Stunnedford registered its first shut-out in more than a decade with a 37-zip victory over the San Jose State Sputterings.
OFFENSIVE? BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY…
There are unconfirmed reports of 17 Catholic Church fires caused by record numbers of prayer candles left burning for the Pacifist Irish offense, which again reached a new high in lows in a 38-0 whitewashing in the Big House. How bad could it be? Try -27 yards on their first two drives. Try -6 yards rushing for the game, bringing their season-long rushing total to -14 yards. Try zero (as in nada, nil, zilch) offensive TD’s in three games. Hey, Chuckles, maybe you should emulate your mentor Billy Bellicose and try a little creative cheating? God knows, at this point it couldn’t hoit. The only demonstrable talent demonstrated by any Irish offensive player this year has been former starting QB Demetrius Jones who showed a rare ability for gettin’ out while the gettin’ is good. He left the team without notice this weekend and has enrolled at Northern Illinois. As they say in the business, good-bye, Charlie! And the news on the other side of the ball isn’t any better: 30+ points allowed in five straight games, a first in school history. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the MMQB must agree with the assessment of College Football News, “this looks like a horrifically coached team with bad snaps, poor execution, penalties, and general sloppiness all over the place.” Kevin White, are you listening or are you still looking at the world through your Golden Domer glasses, trying in vain to convince yourself that getting rid of the Fat Boy isn’t going to cost your bead-rubbing bosses a pretty penny when it all implodes? Bottom line: it’s going to be nice to have a BCS season without these pretenders stealing a spot from a deserving team!
QUICK HITTERS
Ain’t Gonna Be No Rematch – Texas trailed in the fourth quarter before finally earning a hard-fought 35-32 victory over Central Florida, which was opening its new stadium with a rare national TV experience. As Apollo Creed learned, sometimes the underdog punches you right in the gut. ***** Great Day to Be For ‘Bama, Vol. 1 – Nick Saban’s troops scored a last-second TD to avoid a second-half melt-down of biblical proportions and nip Arkansas 41-38 after the Hogs had scored 28 straight points. Somewhere the ghost of Bear Bryant is smiling. No really, it’s just hard to tell. ***** Great Day to Be For ‘Bama, Vol. 2 – SEC perennial also-rans Mississippi State stormed into Jordan Hare Stadium and stunned Auburn 19-14, handing the home team its first SEC opening day loss in 15 years. Maybe Touchdown Tommy Tubberville’s Tigger troops aren’t too terrific this season. God, I love alliteration. *****Understand the Sentiment – Early in the week, Norfolk State coach Pete Adrian said, “After watching Rutgers on film and watching Michigan, I think I’d rather be playing Michigan.” His charges promptly went out and were drilled 49-0 by the Jersey Boys. Hey Pete, how about setting your sights a little lower? Like, say, Notre Lame? ***** Just For Kicks – Iowa State kicker Bret Culbertson set a school record with five FGs in the Cyclone’s 15-13 upset of cross-state rival Iowa. Better ice down that leg. ***** In Other Appendage News – Hawaii’s 49-14 victory over UNLV marked the 29th straight game in which the surfin’ slinger has thrown for 200+ yards. There are only about 10 more games for that guy’s arm to fall off, because we don’t want to see the U-Dub DB’s squaring off against him. *****A Man Among (Little) Boys – PJ Hill, who outweighed all but two of The Citadel’s defensive starters, rumbled for five TDs and led Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers to a less-than-impressive 45-31 victory over the I-AA Bulldogs. Next up for PJ and the Bratwurst Bunch will be the Twin City Furniture flag football Marauders. ***** Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics – Middle Tennessee State actually won the time-of-possession battle against #2 LSU. Unfortunately, the Blue Raiders didn’t accomplish much in all that time, as the suffocating Bayou Bengal defense held them to 90 total yards in a 44-0 whitewashing. ***** On the Flip Side – In contrast, the Cowpokes of Okie State gave up 562 yards, 388 through the air, in a 41-23 loss to Troy. The OSU pass defense was the worst this learned observer has seen since, well, the Gilbertson days at U-Dub. Sorry; sometimes honesty hurts, but I calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em. ***** Bluegrass Battle Royale – Kentucky scored a TD with less than a minute to play to nip in-state rival Louisville, 40-34. After the game, Mildcat head man Rich “Babbling” Brooks said, “Well, it was no Kenny Wheaton. But it wasn’t bad.” Results of the coach’s psychiatric evaluation are pending. ***** Gophers Broke – Minnesota lost to Florida Atlantic 42-39. It was an equal opportunity debacle, as the offense coughed up seven turnovers and the defense gave up 463 yards and five TDs through the air. ***** No Miner Miracle – UTEP was tripped up by New Mexico State 29-24. The loss sent Miner head coach searching for comforting and condolences at the nearest stripper pole. ***** Missed It By That Much – Just as the long-suffering Temple of Doom appeared to score a last-second TD to nip U-Conn, the refs ruled the receiver was out of bounds when he hauled in the deflected pass. Video evidence was not sufficient to overturn the call. And so it goes… ***** Stop the Presses! – In upending Northworstern 20-14, Duke ended the nation’s longest losing streak at 22 games. The “honor” of the longest such streak now slides to the narrow shoulders of Florida International at 15 games. ***** Speaking of FIU – On the negative side, the Olden Panthers lost 23-9 to Miami. On the bright side, the game didn’t devolve into the Sharks vs. Jets street brawl that marred last year’s game, costing both teams multiple suspensions and both coaches their jobs. Hey, where’s the respect for tradition?
“You can’t get advice on the woman you’re trying to hose from the woman you’re trying to hose.”
– Romeo Posar, Tin Cup
More sage advice to live by –
McTavish O’Fishlivet
OK, so this is a Tuesday evening / Wednesday morning installment. Maybe I’ll get this drivel out on Monday sometime this season. But in the meantime, your humble narrator used the extra time to … conduct additional research to make this week’s issue more informative and entertaining than usual? … Not a chance, Pigskin Breath. He needed the time to lick his wounds from a drubbing suffered on the links during the annual “Mistake at the Lake” golf matches. Oh, yeah, and to earn a living, too. But mainly to recover from the manhood-robbing avalanche of strokes he buried himself under during the singles matches. So there you have it. Now on to more pleasant topics…“ALL I SAW WAS GREEN”
Taylor “Made” Tharp joined Todd Marijuanavich and a long, distinguished line of visiting quarterbacks undone by the unrelenting pressure found in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. A snarling pack of Dawgs bronco-busted the nation’s longest D-1 winning streak by keeping the Boise State quarterback off balance all afternoon, constantly pointing out that the turf under his feet was indeed green, rather than the blue to which he is more accustomed. The result: four Boise turnovers and an impressive defensive effort that held the Spudsters’ high-flying offense to a single TD in the 24-10 victory for the Beloved Purple and Gold (BP&G). On the other side of the ball, Jake Looker continued to look the part in his home debut, and then spent the rest of the afternoon helping old ladies cross the street, teaching poor children to read, and baking cookies for the Cancer Society fundraiser.
AFLACS PROVE YOU CAN’T SPELL “LLOYD” WITHOUT TWO L’S
The MMQB offers sincere congratulations to the Zeroes for dismantling the worst Michigan team in five decades, 39-7. Dennis “Mason” Dixon was impressive with nearly 300 yards passing, another 75 or so rushing, and four touchdowns. (Note to Charlie Weis: in case you’ve forgotten, Fat Boy, those things are worth six points each. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.) There are a variety of competing theories on what exactly went wrong for the home team. Some chalk up their dismal performance to the dreaded jinx of being featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, an honor they “earned” in their historic loss to App State the week before. Others believe that the ghost of Bo Schembechler continues to crap on his former program, as the Maize and Blue are now 0-4 and 140-some points to the bad since the big guy used up his eligibility on earth. Still others point to the decision to dump the swoosh in favor of the triple stripes of Adidas, a move roughly akin to dropping trou and taking a dump in Tony Soprano’s driveway. Is that evil laugh you hear coming from one K. Brown, Esq., the founder’s primary button man? Probably. But I digress. The game featured the U-Ho’s least-offensive uniforms squaring off against the Big-10’s least-defensive team. Honestly, the Wolverines made up for being slow by being confused and not trying very hard. Sorry, your humble narrator just had a flashback to his own football career. Shiver … OK, all better now.
BOOGS WIN HOME ROAD – OR IS THAT ROAD HOME? – GAME
Clearly comfortable within the friendly confines of Qwestionable Accounting Practices Field, The Palouse Pussies rolled up 654 yards of total offense, the most in 22 years, during Saturday’s 45-17 victory. Of course, this offensive outburst (a phrase which when applied to Wazzu usually describes a bodily function) came against San Diego State, which is roughly akin to running roughshod over a decent fraternity flag football squad. In addition to letting Alex “Season on the” Brink fling the prolate spheroid all over the lot, the visiting Aztecs cortezed themselves with 13 penalties. On the bright side, San Diego State has six captains, which is believed to lead the nation. So they got that going for them. But that was about it. All in all, it was a great day for the wheat farmers who came to the big city to watch their beloved Boogers and spent much of the afternoon marveling at novel sights such as pavement and indoor plumbing.
… AND STILL UNDEFEATED!
The vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us are off to a 1-0 start after an impressive 21-7 throttling of visiting Laverne College. There is, as yet, no game scheduled with Shirley.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The week didn’t start out well for the Pathetic-10 as the Barkrats rolled into Cincy on the strength of an impressive season-opening victory over a decent Utah squad and immediately got beat like a Sunday morning boner, 34-3. (Ah, you’re going to hell for that one.) But after that, things took a turn for the better. (F)UCLA put in a workmanlike performance in holding off the Mormons, 27-17. While the Ruins were dispatching BYU, the Condoms and Trees teamed up to do likewise with BYE. Cal, meanwhile, rammed Colorado State 38-24 as DeSean Jackson scored on a 73 yard reverse. Trying to tackle that guy is like trying to grab a nubile young stripper soaked in olive oil. But not nearly as fun … or so I’m told. Oh, and look out for the Stun Devils, as Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson appears to be up to his old tricks. The Tempe Tortilla Tossers dismantled Coach Moonbeam and the Colorado “In The” Buffs, 33-14, despite being whistled for 136 yards in penalties. Across the Canyon State, the usually anemic Mildcat offense rolled up 45 points. Of course, the opposition was Northern Arizona. MMQB Theorem #137.b.(1)(d): No D-1 team should ever lose to another team from its home state that has a compass point in its name. Look it up. Think about it. There will be a quiz later in the semester.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS EVEN TOUCHDOWN JESUS CAN’T FORGIVE…
…And getting b*tch-slapped by Jo-Pa and the Nittany Lions 31-10 is one of them. The Weis Guys are now 0-2, have yet to score an offensive TD this season, and are working overtime looking for ways to blame Tyrone Willingham, Bob Davie and, hell, why not, Gerry Faust, for their current troubles. At 6.5 points per game, the Rudies are 118th of 119 D-1 teams in points scored. And that looks good compared to their total offense ranking: Due in large part to a stellar -8 yards of rushing in two games, Our Ladies of Perpetual Fumbles rank dead last in total offense. That’s right, you effin’ bead-rubbers, ELL-AYE-ESS-TEA. As in, you’re worse than offensive juggernauts like Buffalo, Temple, and, God help you, Duke. Deal with it. Of course, you may have a sliver of a chance this Saturday, when your resistible force offense squares off against Michigan’s movable object defense in the Big House. Now get down on your knees…
TALK ABOUT YOUR LACK OF RESPECT
In Sports Illustrated’s annual college football preview, their prediction for the conference records of the teams of the Pathetic-10 was a collective 41-49. Apparently, SI thinks the teams are so bad that they predicted there would be four games that both teams would lose. To be fair, I have that dream every time the Boogs take on the AFLACs…
ON THE OTHER HAND, ONE PAC-10 TEAM GARNERS NATIONAL RECOGNITION
There’s no such thing as bad publicity, or so they say in Hollywood. So it should do the Quackerbackers’ little swoosh-laden hearts good when they read the following quote from ESPN: “University of Oregon fans wearing jerseys may qualify for federal Superfund status. Contact the EPA.” The MMQB couldn’t agree more.
QUICK HITTERS
Now We Know – After last week’s U-Dub shellacking of Syracuse, we all wondered just how rotten the Oranges might be. Iowa 35 ‘Cuse 0. ‘Nuff said. ***** No Offense – The Ohio State University coughed up the ball five times, but their defense held Akron to 69 yards total offense and forced 14 punts, including 12 straight three-and-out series, in Saturday’s 20-2 victory. Guess we know why the Akron offense is called the Zips. **** No Defense – Louisville, in contrast, hung up 58 points in their most recent victory. Of course, they also allowed 42 … from Middle Tennessee State. MMQB Helpful Hint #14b: when it comes to the Cardinals, always bet the over. ***** Passing Fancy – After Saturday’s 45-44 OT victory over Louisiana Tech, Hawaii’s Rainbow Warriors have scored 108 points in two games. Oh, and their running backs have a TOTAL of 11 carries in those two games. Maybe Colt will throw out his arm before the U-Dub visits to end the season. ***** His Bite Is Worse Than His Bark – Texas A&M won a hard-fought triple overtime game over Fresno State 47-45. The victory was more impressive given the fact that the A&M mascot, a collie, was suspended for the game after nipping at his student handler earlier in the week. ***** Rockets Shot Down – Toledo lost 52-24 in week #1 to Purdue and 52-31 to Central Michigan in week #2. If the trend continues, in three weeks, they’ll battle their opponents to a 52-52 tie. ***** Take That, Coach Miles – The big, bad SEC took another kick in the arse as South Florida marched into Auburn and upset the Tiggers 26-23 in overtime. Of course, the MMQB assumes Les found some modest consolation in his Bayou Bengals handing Va-Tech their worst lost in 25 years, 48-7. But still…. ***** Hurricanes Downgraded to A Case of the Winds – The Boomer Sooners ran all over the visitors from Miami, 51-13. Clay Bennett was so happy that he offered to move the Sonics to Norman. ***** Well, That’s Almost Out of the Way – Over the last five seasons, Buffalo has averaged 1.4 wins, a total they almost matched in Saturday’s 42-7 dismantling of the Temple of Doom. Now, if they can just pull out another .4 wins, the season will be a success. ***** “We Don’t Need No Stinking” Badgers Deal Loss to Vegas – UNLV was showing 13, so Wisconsin took another card, hit 20 and snuck out of Sin City with a less-than-impressive victory. If only they could play Wazzu every week…
“Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that’s never bet money you don’t have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.” — Romeo Posar, Tin Cup
Advice to live by –
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Ah, tradition. You gotta love it! On campuses across this great land of ours, leaves are turning colors. Beer cans are being crushed against foreheads. Navel rings are bouncing teasingly against the taut, tanned bellies of cheerleaders. And, of course, Willamette has launched another football season with a 23-9 loss, this time to Western Oregon. But the good news, according to the university’s official website, is that the Bearcats actually “won” the second half, 9-7. Nice try, guys, but this ain’t tennis. Little hint: in football, we count the scores of both halves together. But enough of the trivialities, let’s get on to the real deal:JAKE TURNS CARRIER DOME INTO LOCKER’S ROOM
So this is what all the fuss was about. So this is what a real quarterback looks like. Yes, my friends, we have to remember that it was just Syracuse, which seems to be akin to playing … well, not Appalachian State, but maybe one of those compass/state schools like Eastern Michigan. Nevertheless, let us not forget what all this youngster did was travel 3000+ miles across the country to start his first college game against a team from a BCS conference in their domed stadium on national television. At the similar point in the MMQB’s college experience, he was still searching for a reliable source for beer and practicing fizz-buzz in Herringbone Hall. But that’s another story, one not nearly as compelling as that of the boy from Ferndale, aka Our Savior in Cleats. OK, the stats were solid for three quarters of action: 80+ yards rushing and two TDs, 14-19 passing for another 145 or so. But the poise and natural leadership he demonstrated were even more impressive. I don’t want to get my ample posterior deposited too squarely on the Locker Bandwagon, but I feel duty bound to report that he also reportedly whipped up a mean post-game Steak Oscar with fingerling potatoes, entertained the team with a stirring rendition of the St. Crispin’s Day speech, and performed emergency heart surgery on the charter pilot on the way back to Montlake. I kid you not, my friends, this kid is gonna be good. And the rest of the team didn’t look too bad either. After a slow start that had me worrying that the block S on the home team’s helmets was causing Stanford flashbacks, our lovable student athletes began dominating the line of scrimmage to the tune of a 302-8 advantage in rushing yards. Again, we’re not getting ahead of ourselves since it was just the (Ex)’Cuse, but there were times over the last few seasons that your humble narrator seriously doubted that the Dawgies could ring up that kind of advantage against fog. I’m still not saying the Pooches will be partying in post-season, and we’ll know a lot more after playing Boise State next week. Let’s hope the green turf throws off the visitors from Spudland. Until then, let us bask in His Glory…
BOOGS BARREL-ROLLED BY WE-DON’T-NEED-NO-STINKING BADGERS
In the much anticipated beer-pong matchup of the nation’s preeminent institutions of higher drinking, Wisconsin doubled up Wazzu, seven six-packs to three-and-a-half six-packs. That’s 42-21 for those of you still struggling with the math WASL. Some would lay the blame for the loss squarely at the foot of the Boog special teams, which once again operated in the short-bus-to-school meaning of the word “special,” with untimely penalties, poor punt and kick coverage, a blocked punt, and the two-for-one special, a interception on a fake punt after a bad snap. God, let’s hope they keep up this trend all the way to the Apple Cup. But this learned observer believes that the Palouse Pussies simply got worn down and ultimately pushed around by a bigger, stronger team. And it would be OK if that were the case in the Apple Cup, too, though I’m not holding my breath just yet.
U-HO DOES IN HO-USTON
As expected, the Foul Fowls dispatched a glorified high school team, the Houston Cougars, 48-27, in the Concrete Bunker Saturday. What wasn’t so much expected was that the Zero defensive front seven became the front sieve, resulting in two defensive backs being forced to make 24 tackles. Casey Keenum, not even expected to be the Cougar’s starting QB, threw for 179 yards and TB Anthony Aldridge hung a cool two bills on the Quacker defense. This, my friends, is not a good thing. In fact, it was a ball game until late in the third quarter when Saint Phil raised his waffle-patterned hand and pronounced, in the words of my sainted grandmother (and she’s been quoted by so many), “Enough is enough.” Zero QB Dennis Dixon immediately tore off an 80 yard TD scamper to essentially seal the deal. Word is that he also turned two double plays and moved the runner over into scoring position with a nifty sacrifice bunt. But with the offense humming along as usual and the defense as soft as eider down, looks like it could be a shoot-out next Saturday in the Big House.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The MMQB is known far and wide for his deadly accurate understanding of the nuances of college football, but sometimes his predictions (not unlike his middle-irons, cough) are downright scary in their laser-like accuracy. That was the certainly the case when the Peerless Prognosticator fearlessly forecast that the ‘Zona Mildcats would struggle mightily on offense. Sure enough, Willie “Or Won’t He?” Tuitiama spent the entire afternoon running for his life and the Tuscon Tabbies only avoided a shut-out by scoring a garbage TD against the Polygamists’ scrubs in the waning seconds of a 20-7 loss to B-Y-Who.
Meanwhile, in a shocker, the upstart U$C Condoms narrowly defeated the visiting Vandal juggernaut 38-10, spoiling the head coaching debut of former Boog Ass. Coach Rob Akey “Breaky.” Get used to it, Rob. Speaking of needing to get used to things, Stunnedford’s scoreboard operators were so shocked to see the Cardinal vault ahead of the visiting Ruins, they actually credited (f)UCLA with the game’s first TD. You have to forgive them, however – the students in charge only scored about 2000 on their SATs and, having seen the Cardinal score a mere three offensive TDs in five home games last year, they were out of practice. Fortunately for everyone involved, the Ruins soon righted the ship, burying the home squad 45-17 and ensuring the earth would not spin wildly off its axis. In Tempe, ASU walloped the Sputterin’ Spartans from San Jose 45-3, as new Stun Devil coach Dennis Erickson showed little mercy for ol’ pal Dick Thome. Imagine what Dennis would have had in store if the opponent had been a coach he didn’t like, such Rick Nueheisel for instance. He’d be calling up deep post patterns like they were double Jack-and-cokes. The Barkrats unveiled their new halter top uniforms (which threaten to give the Zeroes a run for the money in the wretched department) and promptly dispatched the visiting Utes, 24-7, behind the 165 yards of Yvenson “And Hedges” Bernard. Finally, Cal topped the Rocky Toppers 45-31, avenging last year’s opening game in which the Bares were treated like Ned Beatty in “Deliverance.” Gee, Coach Miles, it sounds to us like maybe, just maybe the second- or third-best team in the Pac10 can go toe to toe with some of the best the mighty SEC has to offer. And speaking of toes, can’t we all agree that any coach stupid enough to kick the ball to DeSean Jackson is just too stupid to live?
CARR CRASH – YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY
Well, that was fun wasn’t it? And to think, it only cost the Meeshegan athletic department a cool $400k to bring in the inferior Appalachian State for Saturday’s ritual slaughter. Mighty Michigan was finally going to drop from the prestigious schools that had never played a 1-AA school. Oops. They ended up also dropping from the ranks of the unbeaten, all of one week into the season. Don’t think ol’ Stoneface Lloyd is getting much sleep after the Mountaineers kicked some Wolverine booty in the Big House. Despite having won 76 percent of his games since 1995, Carr was already on a bit of a hot seat, primarily for his 3-6 record against THE Ohio State University. (A UM coach could win 98 percent of his games, but if the other two percent are losses to the tOSU, he better be looking over his shoulder and getting someone else to taste his food.) But now Lloyd’s seat has got to be hotter than an Armadillo’s arse on Arizona asphalt in August. (Class, did you see how the author there used both a metaphor and alliteration to drive home his point? Isn’t he clever?) The scary thing is that since Bo went up to go three yards and a cloud of dust with Woody Hayes on that Big Gridiron in the Sky, Big Blue is 0-3 and has given up 108 points. One can only hope that Wolverines will be truly snarling and ready to feast on a few feathers Saturday.
ALTAR BOYS ACROSS AMERICA ARE IN TEARS
…and it’s not because friendly Father Flannigan has just backed them into the closet where he stores the sacramental wine. Nope, it’s because the Fighting Rudies of Our Lady of Perpetual Fumble just got Rambling Wrecked 33-3, the worst season opening loss in school history, in a game that wasn’t even as close as the runaway scoreboard would indicate. The Weis Guys rolled up a mere 122 yards of total offense, including a stellar neg-8 on the ground. Guess ol’ Charlie might not be the genius that all the Shamrock suck-ups wanted to make him out to be. Either that or they can ignore the fact that most of the Domers are now Charlie’s recruits and just continue finding ways to blame Tyrone Willingham for anything remotely wrong with their program. Whatever gets you through the night…
QUICK HITTERS
Diogenes, Here’s Your Man – Former OSU All American LB Chris Spielman may be your honest man. He admitted on national TV that he had never been hit as hard as he was in 1986, when Rick Fenney and Co. administered a 40-7 buttwhuppin’ to his Buckeyes in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. All together now, “those were the days, my friends…” ***** Easing Into Their Title Defense – Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Mastergators were up 49-3, when their game against Western Kentucky was called due to lighting with 8:23 to go in the fourth quarter. Maybe God has his own Mercy Rule. ***** Speaking of Mercy – O-o-o-o-o-klahoma showed little mercy as they b*tch-slapped North Texas 79-10. Apparently the Not-so-Mean Green made the mistake of wearing Boise State Bronco t-shirts under their jerseys. ***** Talk About Your Fast Starts – In the most impressive first quarter this side of Corey Dillon’s 285 yards of individual total offense against San Jose State years ago, Mount Union ran up 52 points in the first quarter of its 75-7 rout of Averett. Somehow, I don’t imagine the Averett coaches congratulating their team that they only lost 23-7 in the last three quarters. ***** And Your Not-So-Fast Starts – With a handful of would-be starters suspended for off-field shenanigans, the Texas Donghorns struggled to a 21-13 victory over visiting Arkansas State. It was touch-and-go for a while, there, but after all, the politically incorrect Indians are no Appalachian State.
One week down – don’t even tell me how many to go…
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – You can tell the Dawgs won. Not a single F-bomb in this week’s missive. I’ll have to work on that…
