Muh-wah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Just when you thought it was safe to log into your e-mail … the Pinnacle of Pigskin Punditry, the Master of Mallard Maligning, the Ace of Alliteration makes his sordid presence known once again. That’s right, all you gas-pumping, armpit-hair-braiding, hemp-pushing, sequined-swoosh-jockstrap-sniffin’ Zeroes, your worst nightmare is ba-ack.
“The Return of the MMQB” – it will make you laugh, it will make you cry! Hell, it will probably make you retch in the aisles! This is the way Hollywood used to make movies! “The Return of the MMQB” — available everywhere on Blu-Ray and high-definition DVD.
Folks, you have no idea how close you came to suffering through the season without the reasoned, unbiased, and expert commentary you’ve come to expect every Monday. The rigors of starting a one-man business (read: there is no one else to con into doing my work) had me feeling like Keith Richards’ face looks. Your most humble and obedient servant had absolutely no interest in simply going through the motions, failing to keep up the standard of quality that has made him a legend from coast to coast, like butter on toast.
But after seeing the pathetically incomplete pre-season previews offered by Sports Illustrated and their mainstream media ilk omitting so many critical issues, I concluded that I couldn’t deny you this critical information. So, in the immortal words of Tom Cruise in “Risky Business,” I decided that “sometimes you’ve got to say, ‘what the f*ck’” and dove right back into the muck. Of course, he got to boink Rebecca De Mornay on the El, and I have you mopes. So there you go. We’re stuck with each other, bubbies. Deal with it.
Here we are on the cusp of a new season. Ah yes, college football – the greatest spectator sport this side of watching Jessica Simpson take her SATs. So let’s see what we can expect this season …
PAC 10 FINALLY GAINS SOME NATIONAL RECOGNITION
“Touchdown” Tommy Hansen must be so proud. All summer, we’ve heard the barbs from the Mouth of the South, LSU’s Les Miles, that the Pac-10 is as weak as 3.2 beer. Quick cul-de-sac trip: Les, what you say may or may not be true, but the last I checked jets also fly west and until I see you put the Bayou Bengals’ collective asses on one of them to come play anyone in the Pacific time zone, how about just help yourself to a steaming hot cup of Shut The F*ck Up? Whew … the seasons’ first rant successfully executed. Feeling much better now. Anyway, the protestations of Mr. Miles notwithstanding, the Pac 10 came out on top of a recent poll conducted among 42 top college coaches. (What coaches? Well, it includes such names as Frank Beamer, Phil Fullmer, Joe Tiller and Bobby Bowden. We don’t have all the names, but it certainly didn’t include Mikey Bawlalotti, because when respondents were asked to name the best football players they’ve ever seen, not one named Kenny Wheaton.) Anyway, as I say, the coaches put the Pac 10 squarely at the top of the list, with nearly twice as many votes as the SEC. What’s that, you say? What was the question? NFL talent? Nope. Offensive sophistication? Nah. Must be scholastic excellence. Ha ha, good one. Nope, the coaches were asked which conference has the most incompetent officiating. (Yet another legacy of the Concrete Bunker and the best refs money can buy…) As I say, Hansen must be so proud…
IN OTHER DEVELOPMENTS FROM WALNUT CREEK …
In a surprise move, the Pac10 Conference recently issued a formal apology, the first ever of its kind. Here is an excerpt from the official press release: “The Pacific 10 Conference wishes to apologize to Phil Knight and all fans of the Oregon Ducks football team for a grievous error made in this season’s conference football schedule. Due to a data processing error, it appears that the Ducks may have to travel to Seattle to play the Washington Huskies, an event that last occurred before Nike went public. We are working feverishly to correct the problem before the game is played and have taken the appropriate steps to ensure that this error never occurs again. We apologize for any inconvenience our error may have caused.”
MEANWHILE, HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM THE TEAMS OF THE PATHETIC 10 ON THE FIELD
ARIZONA MILDCATS
After three seasons in which first downs have been as rare as teeth at a NASCAR race, Jim “Sansabelt” Livengood has finally smacked his head in the realization that he hired the wrong Stoops. Yes, the Desert Storm defense again features some mean mofos who can sh*t fire and save the matches. But on offense, the prospects are about as promising as Larry Craig’s political career. And speaking of toe-tapping fancy footwork, QB Willie “Or Won’t He?” Tuitama can count on another year of running for his life.
ASU STUN DEVILS
It’s been an eventful off-season in Tortilla Tosser Land. Having been found guilty of DWI (Dicking With Idaho), Denny “I’ll Have Another” Erickson rolled into town and immediately proclaimed, “Jee-ay-zus, wouldya look at the rack on that babe?” The Jobhopper’s reaction was completely understandable to anyone who has spent significant time quaffing a few frosties at the Moscow Rathskeller, but hey, how ‘bout a little decorum from the coach, huh? Guess you can take the boy out of Snohomish, but you can’t take the Snohomish out of the boy. Denny wasted no time in announcing his expectation that ASU admission standards, never a daunting hurdle in the first place, will be suspended for any recruit pulled from the ranks of America’s junior colleges or penal institutions. Unconfirmed reports have him offering a scholarship, four co-eds, and a couple of pit bulls to Michael Vick … just in case. Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Vegas odds-makers pegged the over-under on the starting date for ASU probation at 21 months.
CALIFORNIA FIGHTING TED-HEADS
God how I miss the old days when you could just pencil in a W next to the Cal game on the schedule! Hell, for almost two decades, you could use a pen instead of pencil. Yes, those were days when the denizens of Eugene South were too busy debating the relative oakiness of rival chardonnays to give a rat’s ass about the football team. Oh, there were pockets of support, such as the professors that perpetrated academic fraud to keep a few players eligible. But by and large, tie-dyed togas and Dead Head stickers on the microbus were a lot more prominent than navy-and-gold Cal paraphernalia. Now Tedford has gone and screwed with the natural order of things. Prick. I don’t want to talk about it. So I won’t. So there.
UNIVERSITY OF ZERO SLUG-EATERS
Fresh off their impressive 38-8 loss at the hands of the Polygamists, the Fowls can now boast as many bowl victories as the Mutts over the last five years. To demonstrate his commitment to the team rectifying that situation, starting QB Dennis Dixon promptly went out and played minor league baseball. That’s real leadership, baby. Mikey Bawlalotti, having run off last year’s offensive (talk about your redundancy) coordinator, had hoped that Dixon (who reportedly makes Akili Smith look like a Rhodes scholar) would spend some quality time with new coach Chip Kelly. Alas, it was not to be. However, Dixon’s summer flirtation with America’s Pastime sets up an interesting scenario during the Quack’s September 8th showdown with Big, Bad Meeeshegan in the Big House. Coach Mike Bawlalotti flashes his QB the “steal” sign, but it is unfortunately intercepted by the referees who have been flown in special from Anarchy Central for this occasion and are all too happy to oblige. Hey, baby, play to your strengths. Speaking of which, nice to see that Fill ‘Er Up Knight has pledged another hunnerd mill or so to the ol’ alma mater. That sound you hear is Malyasian orphans wailing…
OREGON STATE BARKRATS
After careful consideration, the nation’s pre-eminent baseball school has declared that it will indeed field a football team as well. Star wide receiver (a position not to be ascribed to the aforementioned Senator Craig, thank you so much) Sammy Stroughter is unlikely to be on said team. We shall nevertheless root fervently for the Lovable Li’l Barkrats to defeat the Dreaded Ducklings in that quaint Civil War thing . That is all.
STUNNEDFORD CARDINAL
New coach Jim Harbaugh has been working overtime trying to put a positive spin on what he inherits down on The Farm, even though the 2006 Cardinal would have been winless were it not for a sad, sad, sickeningly sad day in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. “We’re trying to raise expectations about what it means to be a Stanford football player,” Harbaugh proudly proclaimed. Maybe you should start with the expectation that the team stay within at least two touchdowns of an opponent in a home game this season, Jim, something your scholar-athletes failed to do last season. Harbaugh is hitching his coaching career to the right arm of senior QB TC Ostrander, an active of desperation that is likely to produce few results other than definitive proof that tying two rocks together won’t make them float. The MMQB thinks the only hope for the Trees lies in a few pre-game locker room visits by the newly admitted Michelle Wie to get the team’s blood …. er, pumping … if you know what I mean and I think that you do.
UCLA RUINS
Some believe that the key issue in Ruinland is which team will show up this season: the one that upset the hated rival Condoms to derail their national title dreams or the one that rolled over for the FSU Semi-holes in their bowl game? Others believe that the key issue is whether the QB job will be won by former BYU missionary Ben Olsen or scrappy Pat Cowan, the son of former U-Dub signal caller Tim Cowan that Ricky the Neu decided couldn’t play in the Pac10. But the MMQB believes that neither of these issues really matters. After learning that receivers coach Eric Scott “Free” will keep his job after being implicated in a burglary ring, the MMQB wonders (with apologies to a certain former Toejam Heisman winner) what the f*ck does a guy have to do to get convicted in LA?
U$C CONDOMS
Pete Carroll is to talented tailbacks what Halliburton is to no-bid contracts. The Toejams had 10 high school All-Americans in camp at the position before Emmanual Moody decided to engage in a little open field running to Gainsville. But don’t cry for Pete, Argentina. All Carroll did was land the #1 running back in the country, Joe McKnight. McKnight, who was left homeless in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, was apparently attracted by the U$C Wink Wink Look The Other Way Housing Program (USCWWLTOWHP) last utilized to such well-publicized effect in securing the services of one Reggie “Burning” Bush. Speaking of which, isn’t it interesting that Reggie was able to play George Jefferson, moving his family on up to the east side, all under the noses of U$C administrators? You’d think these well-documented transgressions might land the Condoms on at least some sort of minor probation, but apparently the Pac-10 is equally talented in looking the other way. Something about a complete lack of fruit baskets … It’s enough to make this now-long-suffering Dawgfan spew last night’s burrito.
THE BELOVED PURPLE AND GOLD, THOSE LOVABLE MUTTS OF MONTLAKE, THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON HUSKY-DAWGS
The good news is that Coach Ty “Motormouth” Willingham has determined that the Pooches have progressed enough to warrant returning players’ names to their jerseys. The bad news is that none of those names are going to be Emtman, Hoffman, or Brunell. In fact, the Purple Gang will pin its hopes on golden boy QB Jake Locker, a redshirt freshman whose last game action was against Burien’s Kennedy High School. Not that the MMQB is pessimistic or anything, but I feel honor bound to report that Locker passed for fewer yards in the spring game than did his own tailback. Oh well, at least our scrappy little warriors will have an easy out-of-conference schedule to help them slide into the conference season. What’s that you say? Toughest schedule in the nation? A cross-country road game in Locker’s first start, followed by tilts against two teams that ended last season ranked in the top 5? Golden. And don’t forget that season ending trip to Hawaii to battle a Heisman candidate QB who has thrown for roughly 14 million yards and 127,000 touchdowns. The only conclusion the MMQB can reach is that this season is going to be about as much fun as January in North Dakota. Three wins sounds like a realistic expectation. Suddenly I feel the need to roll up into the fetal position and whimper. Wake me when it’s 2016, willya?
WAZZU BOOGERS
The Yabba-Doba-Doo era (or is that error?) continues on the Pallouse. When last we looked in on the Pallouse Pussies, they were busy getting bitch-slapped in the Apple Cup. After a couple decent seasons built on the back of Mikey Price “Is Right” recruits, things have fallen off and Cougfans are asking serious questions about Doba’s ability to recruit. The phrase “the guy couldn’t sell pussy in a logging camp” has been bandied about. And things aren’t going any smoother on the field, as returning starting offensive guard Andy Roof was suspended from school for repeated violations of the Wazzu alcohol policy. Apparently he wasn’t drinking enough. Nevertheless, QB Alex “Season on the” Brink is back for his senior campaign, news greeted by cheers from defensive backs throughout the conference.
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE NATION…
THE OTHER USC – Steve Superior went ballistic when South Carolina officials refused to use special rules to admit two prize recruits to whom he’s offered scholarships. In unrelated news, Dennis Erickson has Steve on speed dial.
RUTGERS – “Touch My” Dick McCormick, former U-Dub president and current head groper at Rutgers, has reportedly been celebrating the Scarlet Knights’ recent ascension and the accompanying travails of his former school. Hate to say it, Dick, but when all is said and done, you’re still in freakin’ New Jersey.
DUKE –The “Reason To Be” Blue Devils enter the season riding the nation’s longest losing streak at 20 games and boasting a 9-71 mark this millennium. Tod Turner should have their AD on speed dial.
FLORIDA STATE – Old man Bowden demonstrates that he has priorities straight by nudging his son and installing Jimbo Fisher as his offensive coordinator. Should make for some fun conversations at the Thanksgiving table.
‘BAMA – After fervent denials that he was going to trade in his mediocre NFL career to return to the college ranks, Nick Saban finally grabbed the cash and landed in Tuscaloosa. 92000 beer-swillin’, ‘backy-spittin’ Tide fans showed up to greet their savior at the spring game. Hey, Nick, the MMQB humbly suggests you steer clear of strippers. Buy yourself a hounds-tooth fedora. Oh yeah, and winning big right away probably wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.
O-O-O-OKLAHOMA – After having two players found to have blatantly accepted no-work jobs in Norman (aka, right under the university’s institutional nose) the Sooner Schooners will (drum roll, please) lose a grand total of two scholarships. Ah, the wages of sin. I’m just sayin’…
NOTRE DAME – Chunky Charlie Weis unsuccessful tried to sue his doctors, contending that they had botched his gastric bypass operation. He was pressed into this unusual public step when he determined that there was no way to blame the result on Ty Willingham. No wonder the Irish QB position is so important — apparently the Weis Guy doesn’t have much luck running it up the gut. Meanwhile, the Ladies of Our Perpetual Fumble hope to rectify their NCAA record nine-game bowl losing streak. As one scribe put it, as long as Notre Dame uses its name to get into games against teams that earn their way in, they’re not going to do well in BCS bowls. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
COLORADO – Coach Moonbeam enters his second season at the helm of the Mighty Buff Machine. Coming off a 2-10 rookie campaign, he’s about as popular at Hootie Johnson at a NOW convention. The MMQB prescribes another 15 minutes of yoga each morning, coach.
ARKANSAS – Houston “We Have a Problem” Nutt weathered a tumultuous off-season that saw the defection of his offensive coordinator, starting QB and several other key players, along with highly publicized criticisms from many parents. Guess Nutt’s study of the “Jim Halfbright Guide to Developing Player Loyalty” is finally paying dividends. Oh well, as long as the Hawgs get the ball to Darren MacFadden 25 times a game, they’ll be fine.
SUL ROSS STATE – I am not making this sh*t up: Mike Flynt, 59, has made the roster for the Division III team that he was kicked off 37 years ago. Add your own punch-line here. Why should I have to do all the work?
And on that happy note, I will bid my loyal readers (both of them) adieu for this first installment of the 2007 season. Yes, I know that I’m leaving out many great story lines. But I’m not getting paid for this crap, remember? So that’s about it for now. Assuming work cooperates and the Pooches don’t drive me to drive the Z-4 into a brick wall, you can again expect periodic (if highly irregular) updates from my corner during the season. So you’ve got that going for you.
Be afraid, be very afraid,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
