The MMQB’s crack research team reports that things have been a little sad of late down at the University of Zero. First, the AFLAC’s once-promising season ended not with a bang, but with the whimper of yet another loss to their poor cousins, the Barkrats. Then, AD Bill “Winkle” Moos was run out of town on a pair of waffle soles after local paparazzi snapped a few candid shots of him wearing a beat up pair of Adidas. It’s been enough to make the locals so depressed they could barely muster the energy to braid their armpit hair before heading out to save the gay whales.
Fortunately, all is not lost in Anarchy Central. In fact, one of the town’s native sons has achieved a great accomplishment, bringing much joy and celebration to an otherwise dark and dreary Duckville. The MMQB is proud to report – and I am most certainly NOT making this sh*t up – that Eugene resident Steve Milton just set a Guinness world record for the largest rubber band ball in history. In an effort that stretched more than credulity, the rabid Quackerbacker used more than 175,000 rubber bands to construct a ball five-and-a-half feet tall, 19 feet in circumference, and weighing nearly 4600 pounds. Not that life in boring in the Willamette Valley, mind you…
Suitably inspired, the MMQB offers his loyal readers some bonus coverage in the form of a bowl preview edition. Read on if you dare.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia – TCU vs. Northern Illinois
I told you the Huskies would be in a bowl game; I just didn’t say which Huskies. And in keeping with the game sponsor, the winners get free toasters.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas – BYU vs. Oregon
While B-Y-Who players are busy spitting up their milk in shock at what they see in Sin City, the AFLACs will draw upon their surroundings to unveil their latest sartorial innovation, neon cleats and uniform pasties. C’mon, Mikey, keep those tassels twirling!
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl – Rice vs. Troy
Some jokes just write themselves. Rice, Troy – stop it; you’re killing me.
Papajohns.com Bowl – South Florida vs. East Carolina
On the bright side, bored fans should be able to head out of the stands for a quick slice of pepperoni and mushroom.
New Mexico – New Mexico vs. San Jose State
With apologies to the late Grantland Rice, “For when the One Great Scorer comes to mark against your name, He writes — not the team that won or lost — but if you were dumb enough to watch this f*cking game.”
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces – Tulsa vs. Utah
The tofu of bowl games, this soft, gooey match-up has absolutely no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever.
Sheraton Hawaii – Arizona State vs. Hawaii
This is like – what? – Hawaii’s 14th home game of the year? The bad news for Dirk “Hair” Koetter is that this will be his last game at the helm of the Stun Devils. The good news is that he’ll get lei’d before the game.
Motor City – Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan
Because nothing really says “congratulations and thanks for a great season” like Christmas in Detroit.
Emerald – Florida State vs. UCLA
Even recognizing UCLA’s historic upset of the U$C Condoms, bowl organizers are seriously considering changing the name of this game to the My, How The Mighty Have Fallen Bowl. They’re looking at Enron as a potential title sponsor.
PetroSun Independence – Oklahoma State vs. Alabama
Interim head coach Joe Kines will lead the Tide to “Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer Give ‘Em Hell Alabama!” Which means that he’ll have accomplished something Mike Price never did. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that he’ll have time to slip away for a quick lap dance.
Pacific Life Holiday – California vs. Texas A&M
This could be a match-up of two teams going in opposite directions, with the Gaggies having dropped the Donghorns in their season-ending grudge match and the Tedheads having stumbled to the finish line with a loss to the Spoiled Children and an unimpressive victory of the Chardonnay swillers of Stunnedford. But for some reason, this game is almost always among the best of the Holiday (no pun intended) season. And even if the game sucks, fans can always delight in the fact that Tijuana’s many … shall we say social? … offerings are only a short train ride away. So they’ve got that going for them…
Texas – Rutgers vs. Kansas State
First-year K-State coach Ron Prince recently phoned Bill Snyder for some advice on how to be successful in the Mildcats’ first bowl game in three seasons. The always consistent Snyder responded, “I’d schedule Temple.”
Gaylord Hotels Music City – Clemson vs. Kentucky
Mildcat coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks looks to double his bowl game win total in this game. In 22 years as a college coach, Babbling has taken exactly four teams to bowls and earned exactly one bowl victory, that classic 1989 Independence Bowl win over Tulsa.
Brut Sun – Oregon State vs. Missouri
The always-innovative Sun Bowl committee has inked additional co-sponsorship agreements to compensate the players for having to spend the holidays in El Paso Gaso. Reports are that the deals include Members Only jackets; Boones Farm, makers of Strawberry Hill and other fine wines; the Chevrolet Z-28 Camaro; and the KC and The Sunshine Band reunion tour.
AutoZone Liberty – Houston vs. South Carolina
The only real question about this one is whether Steve Superior will be paid for the game at his meager old $1.25 million per season rate or at his new, more generous $1.75 million per season rate. Oh, the inhumanity of having to squeak by on only $1.25 mil per…
Insight – Texas Tech vs. Minnesota
Minnesota’s victories came against five 1A teams that were a collective 15 games under .500 and a Division 1AA team that it edged by a point. Need I say more?
Champs Sports – Purdue vs. Maryland
Quick possibly the most ridiculously misnamed game of them all, the Champs Bowl will match the #5 team in the Big “Ten” against the #3 team in the ACC’s Atlantic Division. And in the MMQB Big Book of Mathematics, 5+3 = chumps, not champs.
Meineke Car Care – Navy vs. Boston College
The MMQB finds it highly doubtful that anyone will wax (car or otherwise) poetic on the merits of this match-up.
Alamo – Texas vs. Iowa
Take the Donghorns in a (River) Walk. Not only does this amount to a quasi-home game for Texas, but more importantly Iowa is just plain dismal. How dismal? They went 2-6 in the Big Ten-Check-That-Eleven conference. Can you say contractual obligation? Are you taking notes, Mr. Hansen?
Chick-fil-A – Georgia vs. Virginia Tech
This Atlanta-based bowl is no longer peachy. Which could also be said of these two offenses. The over/under on this classic is going to be around five. But the ads will be more entertaining – not unlike the Super Bowl.
MPC Computers – Miami vs. Nevada
The coach walks into the living room of some stud linebacker in Boca Raton, smiles at the proud parents, and says “Come to the U and you’ll enjoy a New Year’s Eve bowl game showdown in Boise against Nevada.” Yeah, that’s pretty much what seals the deal.
Outback – Tennessee vs. Penn State
Penn State is fervently hoping that Jo Pa’s knee allows him to remain upright on the sidelines for the entire game. Tennessee is fervently hoping that Phil Fullmer’s gut allows him to do the same.
AT&T Cotton – Auburn vs. Nebraska
It will be fun to see what every Duck fan’s favorite offensive coordinator, Al Borges, can dial up against the Nebraska blackshirt defenders. On the flip side, it will be interesting to see whether Bill Callahan again feels it necessary to apologize to Cornholer fans after this game like he did after the Big 12 title loss to the Boomer Sooners. In other words, the MMQB sees this as one of the more interesting games of the bowl season.
Toyota Gator – West Virginia vs. Georgia Tech
I’d think that a car company would be less than enthused about being the title sponsor of a game featuring the Rambling Wreck. But that’s just me.
Capital One – Arkansas vs. Wisconsin
This is a game that should have Bo Schembechler and Woody Hayes doing high-fives in the void. These are two teams that play smash mouth football: 2.6 yards and a cloud of Astroturf. Break out the smelling salts and the ice packs, mama; here come da Hogs and da Badgers!
Rose Bowl presented by Citi – U$C vs. Michigan
Can’t you just see Tevye prancing down the dusty streets of Anatevka and singing “tradition, tradition?” Hey, the MMQB is nothing if not well rounded … maybe a little too well rounded, if you get my drift and I think you do. But for the true college football fan, such as the MMQB himself, there’s absolutely nothing like a New Year’s Day spent watching the sun slowly work its way down the San Gabriel Mountains, across the Arroyo Seco, along Colorado Boulevard, and onto the field of the Granddaddy of Them All, where it kisses the Crimson and Gold and Maize and Blue helmets of two great rivals. Unless, of course, those golden beams were bouncing off the majestic Gold and Purple helmets of another storied program. Excuse me for a moment … sniff … I got a little misty-eyed there …
Tostitos Fiesta – Boise State vs. Oklahoma
Frankly, the MMQB would rather have seen BSU square off against Notre Shame, as a butt-kickin’ delivered courtesy of the Broncs would have taken the Rudies appropriately down a few notches. Instead, the boys from Spudville are likely to be as blue as their home turf after going up against a team that was one egregious, calamitous, felonious officials’ mistake away from being 12-1 and a legitimate title game contender. For the sake of non-BCS conferences everywhere, let’s hope that BSU fares better than they did last year at Georgia where they spent three hours getting abused like a virgin at Caligula’s BBQ.
FedEx Orange – Louisville vs. Wake Forest
The Orange Bowl will be stuffed to the gills with fans madly in love with the Cards’ Bobby Petrino and the Deacons’ Jim Grobe. Which will make it a lot like any of the Hurricanes’ home games this past season.
Allstate Sugar – Notre Shame vs. LSU
If there were still any question whether the Weis Guys are a sham, this game should eliminate any doubt. LSU is da real deal. In contrast, the only reason the Rudies will cash another BCS check is that they play under a different set of rules than everyone else. A quick review of their credentials: the Irish played two really good teams and lost by 20 or more both times. Five of their victories came against the three military academies and two of the worst D-1 teams of the year, NC and Stunnedford (don’t say it), both of whom were bad enough to get their respective coaches sh*t-canned. Two other wins (UCLA and Michigan State) were gifts in the form of implosions of biblical proportion by their opponents. Their most impressive wins came against Georgia Tech and Penn State, two teams whose anemic offenses couldn’t exploit the Catholics’ pathetic defense. Bet the house that the Bayou Bengals beat the holy living sh*t right out of the bead-rubbers.
International – Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan
What a concept: let’s play a bowl game in Toronto. And what better match-up to grab the attention and feed the football passion of an entire hockey-mad country? Yup, Cincy versus Western Mish should do the trick. It’ll be the only time all year that Canuck couples get it on in the missionary position – when hockey’s on the tube, they’ve got to do it doggie style so both can see the game.
GMAC – Ohio vs. Southern Miss
On the off chance that anyone didn’t already think there are too many ball games, I gave you exhibit 31, a match-up of two teams that lost title games in mid-major conferences. Pass the leftover eggnog – and don’t pay heed to that pesky expiration date, old man.
Tostitos BCS Championship Game – Florida vs. THE Ohio State University
Speaking of tradition, it’s nice to see January 8th get the recognition it deserves as THE big day in college football! For my money, it’s also nice to see that Urban “Legend” Myer and the Mastergators got enough points (thanks, Jim Walden) to keep this from becoming the biggest mulligan since the Champions Tour. Yet another late season upset by (f)UCLA (oh, ouch, another of those godd*mn 1990 Brian Brown flashbacks just shook the MMQB to his core) has kept a powerful Pac 10 team, this time the Toejams, from playing for a national title. Oh well, it’s nice to see the Spoiled Children taken down a notch, even if they probably could give tOSU the best game.
AND IN REALLY BIG NEWS…
The University of North Dakota season is now over, as the Fighting Sioux dropped a 30-20 battle to Grand Valley State. Meanwhile, Dartmouth’s Big Green was red with embarrassment, apologizing to Native American activists for including North Dakota in an invitational hockey tournament.
LIFE AFTER …
Montana defeated the Salukis of Southern Illinois on the strength of two TD passes from former Wazzu Coug Josh “Braun” Swogger to former U-Dub Dawg Craig “I Wanna Play, I Wanna Play, I Wanna, I Wanna, I Wanna” Chambers. In the words of Doctor and chief Ghostbuster Peter Venkman, “This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions … human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!” But seriously folks, if Montana scores another national title, they’ll have the BP&G to thank. Not only is head coach Bobby Hauck a Ricky Sweatervest protégé, but also roughly half the staff has a connection to U-Dub. Which could also mean they’re doomed. We’ll see.
THE COACHING CAROUSEL GOES ROUND AND ROUND …
Butch Davis has already been tapped to replace John Bunting at North Carolina. Butch said that all his new team needs is a little of the swagger of his old Miami teams. In a related announcement, Chapel Hill chief of police Barney Fife III has requested a 27% budget increase. Down the road a piece (that’s the way they talk in North Carolina), NC State is looking to replace the impossibly barrel-chested Chuck Amato. Reports are the Wolfpack is looking for Navy’s coach to keep their program afloat. Speaking of Miami, the Canes just sh*t-canned a coach that won 89% of his games not to mention a national title and were summarily and appropriately rebuffed when they offered the job to Greg Schiano of Rutgers. Rutgers, as in “I’d rather stay here in New Jersey.” Gotta love it. A bit to the west, Alabama’s Mal Moore once again pulled his hair trigger, dumping coach Mike Shula and reportedly will offer the job to West Virginia’s Rich Rodriguez sometime in the next couple days. One bit of advice, Rich: steer clear of the titty bars for the next week or so. Of course, John “What The” L. Smith is out at Michigan State, to be replaced by Cincy’s Mark Dantonio “Spurs.” In a bizarre twist, the Bearcats new coach, Brian Kelly will immediately leave Central Michigan and try to prepare his new charges for an International Bowl showdown with Middle Tennessee. Closer to home, Stanford has dropped Walt Harris like Britney Spears dumping Kevin Federline after he’d knocked her up a few times. The Trees will soon be searching for their third coach in four years. You know, that sort of instability can really f*ck up your program. (For example, see U of W, 2002-2005.)
WELL-EARNED
The great Steve Emtman was just inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame. Which is fitting for the greatest defensive player anyone in the Pathetic 10 has seen in the last 20 years. Oh, excuse me. That’s anyone except Mikey Bawlalotti, who still maintains that Kenny “Would You Like Fries With That?” Wheaton is the single best player he has ever seen. Ever. Stop it Mikey, you’re killing me…
And on that impressive note, another season of the MMQB comes to an end. But don’t despair, gentle reader, when you’re going through withdrawals, the entire season’s worth of dimwitted diatribes will be available to you at http://mmqb.wordpress.com. And if I get especially ambitious, I may even post some past greatest hits or the occasional off-season update. So tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell the stacked blonde down in Accounting. Especially tell her.
Cheers,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
