Monday Morning Quarterback

Good morning, Dawgfans! God, there’s nothing better … nothing like taking on a team from down South and just kicking the holy living stuffin’ right out of them. And that’s just what our Beloved Purple and Gold Huskydawgs did this weekend, God love ‘em. What’s that, you say? Yes, of course I know that it was just an exhibition game in which the Pooch pumpkin pounders tuned up on the Saints of Lacey’s St. Martin’s University. But for any Dawg devotee, a win in November is still a win in November…

MEANWHILE, IN OTHER ACTION…
There was only one of two ways this game could go. Either the plucky little puppies from Seattle would sneak down into the Concrete Bunker and come away with the totally unexpected victory against the most hated of rivals. This would clearly be the outcome if there were goodness and light in the world. Unfortunately, based on his extensive experience as a learned, unbiased and fair-minded observer of the color and pageantry of college football today, the MMQBM (Monday Morning Quarterback & Mathematician) could assign no more than a probability of 3.26893468 percent to this most desired outcome. Even more unfortunately, that left nearly a 97 percent (OK, 96.73106532 percent – what are you an Intel engineer?) probability that the BP&G’s 17th annual foray into Anarchy Central would result in a victory for the Slug-Eating Pieces of Duck Sh*t (SEPDS). And sure enough, after an October spent in the football equivalent of leaving birdie putts on the lip, the Pooches ushered in the month of November with the football equivalent of reaching the green (or is that black?) in regulation and then promptly twelve-putting. Just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s mention just a couple of the lowlights, like the impressive 138 yards of total offense, including an even more impressive 13 yards gained on 21 rushing attempts. Then there’s the little matter of allowing Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart to shred the defense for more yards on the ground than the entire Pooch team gained both running and passing. It’s clear that a marginal Pooch team is being worn down by a schedule that forced the BP&G to play on the road against the Pathetic 10’s top three teams as well as against their toughest non-conference opponent, a Boomer Sooner team that is a blown call (just thought I’d throw that in) away from being 8-1 and in the Top Ten. Add that schedule to this team and you are Bill Muncied – dead in the water. Sigh. Now where was I? Oh yeah, back on track now … so it all came down to another opportunity for the Quackerbackers to storm the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record for their traditional post-game taunting. And the MMQB is left with another gaping empty space in his heart and a lingering gaping empty space on the table roughly the size and shape of the RJ Gallooshes Traveling Trophy. One can only hope that someday soon, the trophy will return to its rightful place. Of course, that’s the way one feels about U-Ho ever returning to play a game in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America – one can only hope it happens someday soon. (Yes, I know that it’s supposed to happen next season, but anyone want to place a wager on when the Walnut Creek Wackos will announce their next schedule “correction,” resulting in another half-dozen or so years of battles in Eugene. My God, it’s like Eva Braun – once we enter the Concrete Bunker, we never get to leave.) So in the meantime, about all a dedicated Duck despiser can do is prepare to root on the mighty U$C Toejams in next weekend’s showdown against the Quackers. Fight on …

THERE’S A REASON “COUGING IT” IS PART OF THE NW SPORTS VENACULAR
Speaking of predictable. Coming off impressive victories over the Mallards and the Ruins and freshly anointed the #25 ranking in all the land, the Pussies of the Palouse took the field as 16.5 point-favorites against one of the bottom-feeders of the Pathetic Ten, the Arizona Mildcats. And sure enough, despite playing before a sell-out crowd of (I’m not making this up) 35,117 (God, that kills me – there’s got to be nearly 100,000 teeth in a crowd like that), the boys in crimson and gray managed to come up on the short end of a 27-17 tally. One has to wonder what is most galling to the unfortunate denizens of Pull-my-finger-man. Could it be defensive coordinator Robb Akey “Breaky” and his troops giving up 142 yards rushing to the Mildcats, a team that went nearly a month of games without gaining positive rushing yards? Or was it coach Yaba-Doba-Doo-Doo’s decision, upon cutting the ‘Zona lead to three and seizing the momentum, to once again order up a fake-punt which, predictably, failed. (A decision vaguely reminiscent of last season’s inexplicable fake punt while leading Cal by 10 with some 6:00 left in the game.) Or maybe it was the lackadaisical effort that prompted Wazzu guard Sean O’Conor to admit that his team was looking ahead to a bowl game and conclude that “we’re not as good as we think we are.” As far as the MMQB is concerned, if they could just see there way clear to continuing along that path for a couple more weeks, it would be greatly appreciated. My guess is that after all that, the most galling thing is that they still live in Pullman.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
John David Booty “Call” led U$C to a 42 – zip shellacking of Stunnedford, the Trees’ worst shutout loss in some 20 years. Perhaps no Tree had a worse game than Wopamo Osaisai who was burned on a TD pass and then fumbled the ensuing kick-off, setting up another Toejam TD seven seconds later. Osaisai immediately requisitioned a new name for oh so many reasons. Walt Harris “Tweed” and company have tied a 46 year-old school record for futility with their 11th straight defeat. It’s clear that the SAT crew hasn’t been the same since Chelsea Clinton and her infamous pre-game “pep rallies” left Palo Alto. And if they could just keep it up – or more accurately, not up — for another week… Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Strawberry Canyon continued on their collision course with the Toejams by running over the Ruins of (f)UCLA 38-24. After the game, the Ted the Head Tedhead said, “Clearly, UCLA was no Washington.” And the conference’s second-hottest team, the snarling Barkrats of OSU scored on their first five possessions in thumping Dirk “What is my buy-out, again?” Koetter and the rest of the Stunned Devils, 44-10. One can only hope (and pray) that Mike “Boomarang” Riley’s Barkrat troops maintain their momentum for a few more weeks; say at least until the upcoming Civil War in the Beandip Bowl.

LOGGERS CUT DOWN OAKS … AND MORE …
Seems to me the outcome of this game was pretty much predetermined in the all-important nickname comparison. Who normally wins in a match-up of Loggers and trees? Hint: it ain’t the old growth. On the strength of Rory Lee’s 310 yards and seven touchdowns, the Vaunted Student Athletes (VSA’s) of U-Pay destroyed the future venture capitalists of Menlo, 48-7. As a result, the VSA’s are 7-2, baby. Let’s face it, there was a time that it seemed unlikely U-Pay-Us would win seven games in a decade, much less a season. But all that has changed as the forces of goodness and right are finally enjoying a little of the success they so richly deserve. (If only the Gods of the Pigskin would smile a little bit on another institution of higher learning located a little further up I-5…but I digress.) In other, much less consequential news, Willamette forced seven turnovers and racked up nearly 400 yards of offense in bitch-slapping everyone’s favorite punching bag, Lewis and Clark, 61-14. Of course, besting the Pioneers by anything less than 70 points is a little like nipping the self-avowed “29-but-can’t-play-to-it” bulldog swoosh attorney with a six-footer for double bogey on 18. Nevertheless, the impressive outing brought the Bare Pussies’ season record all the way up to 2-6.

QUICK HITTERS
Stupid Athlete Tricks – (Foot) Ball State, the alma mater of one David Letterman, was a five-TD underdog to Big Blue in the Big House. But the Wolverines had a real battle on their hands, barely holding off the visitors 34-26. Which saved the MMQB a lot of time concocting a “Top 10 Reasons Why The Wolverines Bit the Big One.” ***** It All Comes Down To Competing With Meeeeeeshigan, Doesn’t It? – Not to be outdone in the embarrassing near-miss department, the top-rated tOSU Buckeyes barely slipped by the Fighting Zookers of Illinois. 17-10. Nevertheless, I doubt that anyone will be firing up a www.firejimtressel.com website anytime soon. ***** Fear the Turtle Pie – Maryland beat Clemson 13-12, as kicker Dan “I Can See Your” Ennis booted the game-winner as time expired, ruining the four FGs and would-be heroics of his counterpart, Clemson kicker Jad “And” Dean. Ralph “Cleans Out The” Friedgen has now beaten Bobby and Tommy on successive weeks, meaning that Ann Bowden is unlikely to invite the big guy over for a meal anytime soon. ***** Don’t Let the Door Hit You In The Ass on the Way Out – John Bunting is out in Chapel Hill and John “What the” L. Smith is similarly sh*t-canned in East Lansing, giving their respective teams opportunities to rally to their defense. Unfortunately, the Heels promptly went out and lost 45-26 to Notre Shame while the Sputterings fell 17-15 to Purdon’t. Talk about your master motivators… ***** Can’t Spell Badgers Without B-A-D – It’s not bad enough that the Madison Meanies defeated Penn State 13-3. But when State’s octogenarian coach JoPa has to be carted off the field in a cart and a knee brace, well that’s just wrong. The Gods of Football do not look kindly on this, mark my words, my friends, not kindly at all… ***** Maybe If That 12TH Man Were On The Field… – Texas A&M came up a point short against the O-O-O-Oh-Oklahoma Boomer Sooners. Perhaps the Gaggies’ non-conference games against The Citadel and LA-Lafayette left a little something to be desired in the tune-up department. ***** Living High on the Hogs – After getting pasted by the Spoiled Children to start the season, the Arkansas Hogs have run off nine straight victories, including a 26-20 win over “the other” U$C Saturday. Apparently Steve Superior was a little inferior to that Nutt coaching the Razorbacks. ***** The Breeders Cup – Everyone seems enamored of Texas Donghorn QB Colt McCoy, who’s admittedly having a solid season. But he’s certainly not the strongest Colt in the QB-nation field. That honor goes to Hawaii QB Colt Brennan who threw for 413 yards and six TD’s a 63-10 romp over Utah State. In nine games, Brennan has completed nearly 73 percent of his passes for 3347 yards and 39 touchdowns for a QB rating of 189.95. If he keeps this up, this Colt is likely to be put out to stud. As if he’s not already …

… And speaking of studs, that’s just about enough from your most humble narrator for yet another week –
McTavish O’Fishlivet

PS – The Seattle Times recently profiled Nike founder and Leader of the Flock Phil Knight. While the mainstream media stopped short of the exhaustive research and detailed, unbiased reporting you’ve come to expect from the MMQB, they nonetheless included a number of issues which should lend the Fowls in the NCAA’s hot water. Let’s see, how about giving a booster detailed reports on the recruiting of prospective student athletes (or in the case of the University of Zero, prospective athletes, f*ck the student part – see Manley, Dexter Jr.) when coaches aren’t supposed to make any comments about potential recruits? To name but one. The MMQB could go on and on, but what’s the point? The Sunglassed One would simply pay off his Lapdogs in KC. But someday soon, the whole lid is going to be blown off the inner workings of Brownie and his band of Swoosh-crazed pranksters. They’re going to make the ratf*cking Plumbers of the Nixon White House look like amateurs. You think the Canuck letter was bad? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, baby. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part. And the MMQB is just the guy to do it.

PPS – For those of you that tuned into today’s missive expecting (or, dare I say, even hoping for) a torrent of F-bombs, shame on you. I’ve matured. I’ve risen above such petty and petulant outbursts. So all I have to say is, f*ck you. And f*ck the D*cks. F*ck their drive-a-maggot-off-a-gut-cart uniforms. F*ck the plasma screens, and the f*ck the free rent, and f*ck the convicts on the roster. F*ck the porn star. F*ck the coaching legend whose career losing record is honored on the field. F*ck the Kip Kinkle fans with their f*cking duckbill kazoos. F*ck ‘em all. Oh, and f*ck you, Philly, too. And now that I’m on a roll, f*ck you, Hansen, and the rest of the Pathetic Ten’s incompetent schedule makers. And lest I forget, f*ck all you dumbf*ck Oregonians, you income-tax-paying, Birkenstock-and-sock-wearing, armpit hair-weaving, pay-to-have your f*ckin’ gas pumped, little wannabe f*ckers. F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you. F*ck all of you. I feel better now. Thank you so very much.