Just when you thought it was safe to go into your office on Monday morning. You may have assumed that the fun and frivolity was finished following the Beloved Purple and Gold’s glorious victory over the dreaded Pussies of the Palouse. Not so fast, turkey-breath! Yes, the MMQB recognizes that Montlake is the very epicenter of the known college football universe. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t minor league action to be enjoyed elsewhere. And fortunately, not everyone had to spend the entire holiday weekend farting turkey, getting pelted in the ass with raindrops, and alternatively hanging precariously from the gutters and arranging the holiday lawn animals into compromising positions. That was just the former broadcaster. Everyone else enjoyed some damned fine ballgames this weekend. Well, “enjoyed” may not be the best word if you are of the feathered fowl persuasion, tee-hee, tee-hee. Anyway, there was plenty of material for at least one more installment of the MMQB’s learned commentary on the color and pageantry of college football today. (You can pay me later.) As the old saying goes, “Once you teach the bear to dance, you have to keep dancing with the bear until the bear wants to stop.” And this bear ain’t quite ready to stop this particular tango just yet.
DUCKS JUST DON’T DO IT IN CORNVALLEY
So there I was, hiding out from the Turkey Nazi and the rest of the Thanksgiving Day cabal, when I flipped on Fox Sports. Imagine my complete and utter joy as the scoreboard flashed OSU 23 UO 13. Yes, my holiday would be a success – the AFLACs would be going down like Paris Hilton after one too many cosmos. But then, what to my wandering eyes should appear but Joey Herringbone and his tiny five picks. Sure enough, I was watching a replay of the classic 2000 Civil War battle. (And believe you me; the MMQB concurs with Fox Sports’ designation of the 2000 game as a classic, in contrast to the 1983 edition of the game, the last major college football rivalry game to end in a scoreless tie, a game that even unbiased mainstream media like Fox have declared the ugliest game in the history of the game.) And then as your humble narrator was called to the holiday feast, I was left to wonder what the next day’s events would bring. Would the Barkrats be able deliver the butt-kickin’ that the Slug-eaters so richly deserved? Well, sure enough, the gutty little Cornvalley crew successfully overcame an officiating crew that did its usual damnedest to follow Uncle Phil’s instructions to the letter, calling back an OSU fumble return for a touchdown and ignoring Jordan Kent’s waltz out of bounds before returning to the field to make a key reception for U-Ho. But the Barkrats blocked a last-second AFLAC field goal attempt to preserve a 30-28 victory. Once again, the Ladies of the Knight contributed significantly to their own demise, including Brady “Falling” Leaf throwing an interception that the Barkrats returned for a key touchdown. In case you were wondering – and I know you were – 42 percent of the points allowed by the Quacks this year came off turnovers. This was especially true in their five losses, as they gave their opponents 16 gifts in those games. You see; this is the type of insightful analysis that the MMQB provides to our readers. “We were our own worst enemy,” Bellotti said. Obviously, the Former Porn Star Look-alike has never heard of the MMQB, who takes considerable pride in being the University of Zero’s worst enemy. But rest assured that my animosity does not extend to my loyal readers who happen to suffer from Slugeater Syndrome. In fact, in case any of you deluded Quackerbackers missed the game; take comfort in the fact that your ever-thoughtful MMQB recorded the game and would be happy to give you the opportunity to experience it first-hand. Now if that’s not thoughtful, I don’t know what is.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
In a referendum on safe sex, the Condoms pulled out ahead of the Catholics, with the U$C Trojans thumping Notre Shame 44-24. The impressive victory propelled THE University of Southern California to #2 in the BCS rankings and set up a showdown with THE Ohio State University in the 2007 Pretension Bowl. “I think we’re a pretty good team right now,” Condom coach Pete “Christmas” Carroll said after the game. “We’ll play anybody, anywhere.” Careful there, Pete, remember where that kind of talk got Pat Hill. Meanwhile, the Arizona Mildcats and ASU Stun Devils squared off in the battle for the Territorial Trophy, whatever the hell that is. How can a team get any inspiration from such a pedestrian prize; it’s no Floyd of Rosedale, no Slab of Bacon, no Golden Boot, no Old Oaken Bucket, no Little Brown Jug, no Egg Bowl! It’s not even an Old Brass Spittoon. (And yes, those are all real rivalry prizes, in case you were wondering. But I digress…) Anyway, the Stun Devils apparently were a little more successful in drawing inspiration from the mundane prize, as they knocked Mildcat QB Willie Tuitama out of the game for the second straight year and claimed a 28-14 victory over their rivals. Speaking of getting knocked out, the effort wasn’t enough to save the job of Stun Devil coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter who got the axe from AD Lisa “Whole Lotta” Love. Dirk had a 40-33 record in six years in Tortillaville, but was only 2-19 vs. ranked teams and o-fer in games against UCLA, U$C and Cal.
OVER BOWLED
Thanks to the Big Pick-Your-Number Conference’s contractual tie-ins, Iowa is guaranteed a berth in the Alamo or Insight bowl despite going 2-6 in their own conference, and Minnesota will go bowling despite getting five of its six wins against teams with a combined 22-37 record, with their sixth victory coming against IAA North Dakota State, whom the Gophers impressively annihilated 10-9. Which leads to the obvious question, with 32 bowl games, are there any deserving teams that will be celebrating their holidays at home when they should have the opportunity to be sampling the very best that Shreveport, LA has to offer? Well, funny you should ask. ESPN’s Ivan Maisel has declared our very own University of Washington Husky Dawgies, the lovable Mutts of Montlake, the Beloved Purple and Gold Pooches to be the very best college football team not going to a bowl this season. Maisel pointed to U-Dub’s 5-7 record with narrow losses to U$C, the Tedheads, and the Stun Devils, in spite of losing the Predator QB at midseason. (For more on the murky circumstances behind that turn of events, read the final item below.)
TRUE CONFESSIONS
Replay official Gordon Riese now admits that he knew that the Boomer Sooners had recovered the onside kick that day months ago on the Field-Named-For-A-Coach-With-A-Career-Losing-Record, but felt he couldn’t over-rule the on-field officials who had mistakenly awarded the ball to the Ducks. Excuse me, but isn’t the whole point of having broken-down zebras sitting on their wrinkled asses up in the replay booth to make it right when their on-field colleagues screw the proverbial pooch? But you know honor and integrity don’t pay for that condo in Cancun, now do they?
IMPORTANT UPDATE
In case you were wondering, Bo Biafra, leader of The Dead Schembechlers announced that the band is officially breaking
up. First, it was the four lads from Liverpool, and now this …
QUICK HITTERS
Compelling Drama in The Sunshine State – Urban “Legend” Myer and the MasterGators nipped the Semenhole rivals, 21-14. This raises the important question: which would be more rewarding, three hours spent watching the FSU offense or three hours spent watching “My Mother, The Car” re-runs? ***** Bad Day For Bowdens – Steve Superior and his band of “The Other” SC Gamecocks upset Clemson 31-28. Wonder if Tommy’s in the market for a new offensive coordinator? ***** Marquee Match-up – After defeating Maryland 38-24, Wake Forest will hope to wreck Georgia Tech in the ACC title game. Tech is fervently praying that Reggie “Foot” Ball plays better in that game than he did between the hedges Saturday, where he completed only six of 22 passes for a grand total of 46 yards. Regardless, a Wake – Tech final won’t exactly qualify as a glamour pairing for a league that includes perennial heavyweights Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. ***** Stop The Presses! – In the least surprising announcement of the entire season, Miami coach Larry “No Pepsi” Coker was fired immediately after his team’s 17-14 victory over BC made the Blowhards bowl eligible. In other news, Bo Schembechler is still dead. ***** Rocky Toppers on Top Again – Tennessee won a tight one over Kentucky, 17-12. Good to see that Mildcat coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks continues his tradition of success coaching against his key interstate rivals. ***** Devils Still Very Blue – North Carolina blocked a Duke extra point that would have forced overtime and instead held on for a 45-44 victory. Duke ends the season winless and hasn’t beaten a 1A opponent in more than two years. Wasn’t Stunnedford closing in on that mark until just recently? I’m just asking … ***** Speaking Of Blue, As In Turf – Boise State destroyed Nevada 38-7 to remain unbeaten and just about secure their invitation to a BCS bowl game. A quiet whimper of “that should have been me” was heard emanating from Boulder, Colorado. ***** The Tragedy of Wasted Utes – QB John Beck propelled BYWho to a 33-31 victory over archrival Utah by throwing his fourth touchdown pass of the game with no time remaining. Give that man another wife! ***** Sooners Boomer The ‘Boys – Oklahoma held off OK State 27-21. State threw an incomplete pass into the end zone as time expired. Sounds to me like the Cowpokes needed John Beck. Or, failing that, Gordon Riese. ***** Bevo To Burgers? – Texas A&M handed Texas its second loss in as many games by upending the Donghorns 12-7. With Vince Young gone, it looks like Mack Brown is reverting to his old habit of recruiting great talent and underachieving. Aren’t college football traditions great? ***** Boys Named Sioux – North Dakota continued to celebrate its restraining order against the NCAA by defeating Nebraska-Omaha 38-35 in the Division II playoffs. If they win the national title, can they keep their nickname permanently?
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
University of Zero athletic director Bill “Winkle” Moos is in the midst of announcing his “resignation” from his post. The third worst kept secret in Anarchy Central is that Moos is tired of feeling Uncle Phil’s hand up his ass as the waffle sole mogul uses the AFLAC AD as his personal hand puppet. (In case you were wondering, the second worst kept secret is that b-ball coach Ernie Kent enjoys frolicking nekkid with boosters’ daughters in Mexico. The worst kept secret is that former Quack running backs Onterrio Smith and Herman Ho-Ching found unusually strong inspiration in the musical artistry of The Doobie Brothers.) Moos has had more than his share of run-ins with de facto AD Phil Knight, but is widely credited with such innovations as plasma screens in the locker room and toilets in the stadium. But he also launched new marketing strategies such as limiting media access to game highlights and posting Times Square billboards that had the NCAA looking askance at Anarchy Central. His departure leaves Zero president Dave Frohnmayer, who has had his own tangles with The Sunglassed One over the WRC fiasco, looking to find an AD who will remember that the athletic department is part of the University and not the other way around. At the same time, the new puppet will have to remember who is really calling the shots, as if those uniforms wouldn’t provide ample evidence of the answer. The cover story being planted by Nike forces is that Mike Bawlalotti is the leading candidate to assume the AD role in addition to his football coaching duties. But God knows they’re not going to hand the keys to the Hummer to a football coach whose teams haven’t won a bowl game since 2002. With his team compiling a losing conference record this season and getting to seven wins only the basis of scheduling Portland State and the refs royally rogering Oklahoma, it’s clear that Bawlalotti doesn’t have the extra bandwidth to take on a night job. So why the cover story? Classic misdirection, baby. The true scuttlebutt uncovered and pieced together over many hours and countless Americanos by the MMQB’s crack research staff is pointing to blood-sucking attorney and long-time Knight confidant Kevin Brown as the front-runner. “He’s a guy who knows how to get things done,” said Knight in a prepared statement. “He knows where all the bodies are buried, mainly because he dumped most of them there personally.” A perfect example of Brown’s subtle touch can be found in an e-mail that he sent to your humble narrator immediately after the Pooches came within a few tortured seconds of pulling off the upset of the season against the Spoiled Children. “You better pray that nothing happens to your quarterback,” the message read. Jesus Horatio Christ, do you think Tony Soprano ever sent a subtler, but more chilling threat? All I know is that over the following week, Brown was allegedly on a fact-finding mission to Belgrade, but US Customs records have no record of his trip. And mid-way through the Pooches’ game against the Barkrats the next week, Stanback was lost for the season on a play in which he was never touched by an opposing player. If one carefully examines the videotape of the play in question on a frame-by-frame basis, you can just make out the blurry figure of a stout, bearded man in a black Nike cap hiding behind a grassy knoll. And, though I didn’t think much of it at the time, the following Monday the mail brought to the MMQB several goldfish wrapped in a soggy copy of The Oregonian want ads. There was no signature or return address on the package, but the postmark was from Beaverton. Thinking back on it sends chills down my spine.
IN CLOSING…
With apologies to Carl Spackler, the amazing stuff about the MMQB is that you can spend 10 minutes reading it in the afternoon, and then take it home, roll it up and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on the stuff.
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Lots to report this week, so we’ll keep the premumble to a minimum. However, I feel a certain obligation to any new readers. So in honor of this weekend’s premiere of “Casino Royale,” let me introduce myself: “My name is QB; M … M … QB.
THIRD TIME’S A CHARM
The Palouse Putty-tats came into the 99th Apple Cup looking for their first-ever third-straight victory over the Mighty Mutts of Montlake. Just can’t have that. We can’t have the world spinning off its axis that way – Al Gore already has enough to worry about fixing. Fortunately, the Boogs hocked up their customary hairball and instead slinked out of Martin Stadium with their third straight loss. This comes as a pleasant surprise to your humble narrator, a surprise destined to become even more pleasant when my unfortunate Boog buddy pays off his ill-advised wager with a nice bottle of single malt. But entering the game, the MMQB was convinced that Pooch AD Todd Turner’s coke bottle glasses were too thick to see that Ty Willing-but-not-necessarily-able-ham was allowing the program to spin out of control yet again. It appeared to your learned observer that it was a classic case of the “blind leading the bland.” (OK, I’ll admit it was a little tortured, but you’ve got to give me a few smile points.) In fact, heading into the game, I was expecting one of several scenarios to play out. The least likely was that walk-on QB Felix Sweetwater would end up leading the BP&G to a completely unexpected victory over the Pussies. In fact, the MMQB had already penned the first verse of his congratulatory theme song (to be sung to the tune of The Doobie Brothers’ “Old Black Water”): “Oh Sweetwater/Keep on throwing/Huskies need a win/And your legend’s growing.” Alas, such lines weren’t needed. Marginally more believable, I expected the Dawgies to be down 28-27 as the seconds ticked down, and the just-dismissed Michael Braunstein would be called on to win the game. He’d look over at the Sphinx on the sideline and wink. Oh God. Didn’t happen either. Instead, the team pulled together, reportedly on the strength of a team meeting held in a Moscow, ID motel room. The MMQB can relate, as more than a few of his teammates reportedly found inspiration by holding meetings in a Wallace, ID room years ago. But I digress … Amazing enough, the Pooches blocked their first punt for a TD in – get this – 15 years. All of a sudden one-time Coog Carl Bonnell decided to stop his “Bad Dog Carl” (only the parents in our audience will understand that reference) routine long enough to throw a couple of 60+ yard TD passes to his current teammates. A team that hadn’t had a run longer than 16 yards in a month sprung Louis Rankin “And Rating” (an Inside Intel joke there) for a 77 yard scamper. A team that had gained less than 300 total yards in its last two games rolled up 380. It was enough to prompt hyper-kinetic Wazzu defensive coordinator Robb Akey to conclude, “It’s sickening.” Actually Robb, the MMQB has another word for it: “Tradition.”
MILDCATS MAUL THE MALLARDS (aka, LIFE IS GOOD IN MMQB-LAND)
Hording wads of sweaty cash secretly stashed in soiled Air Jordan boxes behind their locker room plasma screens, and uncomfortably aware of the eyes of NCAA henchman peering over their shoulders, the AFLACs were feeling surprisingly charitable Saturday. Dennis “The Menace” Dixon contributed three interceptions before giving way to Brady “Turning Over A New” Leaf, who promptly came in and made his own donation to the ‘Zona cause. Throw in a couple fumbles to bring the Slugeater turnover total to six and you’ve got the makings of an old-fashioned bitch-slapping in front of 50,000+ rabid Quackerbackers whose plans to storm the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record instead took a left turn and ended up at Fiddlers Green. The Mildcats from Tucson built a solid halftime lead on the arm strength of QB Willie Tuitama, who went 8-9 for 120 yards and two scores in the first half. Unfortunately, Willie mysteriously developed a “concussion” (swooshicus bribalotus) while taking his traditional halftime dump, and was held out following the break. But even the loss of their spiritual leader wasn’t enough to derail the suddenly resurgent invaders from the desert. Fowl wide-out Jeremiah Johnson effectively summed up the day: “The game was not a good game for us.” Uh, JJ, that’s like saying that the Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano is a pleasant ride and Scarlett Johansson is mildly attractive (or vice versa for that matter). JJ’s coach Mikey Bawlalotti was equally succinct, noting “we need to get better in a hurry.” No sh*t there, Mikey, because next week’s Civil War (aka, the War of Nike Aggression) is gonna feature a snarling bunch of Barkrats in the Beandip Bowl. Once you receive the butt-whuppin’ you so richly deserve, your measly little 7-5 record is going to land your feathered posteriors in the Charmin Bowl in Flushing, NY. And before you or any of your demented followers point out that the Pooches’ 5-7 record will keep them home for the holidays, let me just point out that your Ladies of the Knight are one 1AA opponent and the second-worst official’s call in history* from staring that same record right in the face. You little punk-ass bitch.
RUNNIN’ (OR STUMBLING) WITH THE PAC
The OSU Barkrats ended Stunnedford’s one-game winning streak (don’t get me started on that again) by putting a 30-7 gnawing on the Trees. The Barkrats survived the surprising return of the Stunnedford band, which had been suspended for most of the season for off-field incidents but was allowed back onto the field when a lack of evidence doomed the investigation. Some of this sh*t you just can’t make up. Farther South, (F)UCLA stormed into Stun Devil Stadium and beat the tortillas out of ASU 24-12. U-Dub legacy Pat Cowan continues to rub a little salt in the gaping recruiting wound left behind by former Pooch coach Ricky Sweatervest, tossing two TDs to Brian Breazell “Wax” to lead the Ruins. Meanwhile, Dirk “Hair” Koetter is left to wonder whether a loss to the Mildcats will end his career in Tempe. Oh yeah, and he’s probably also wondering why he ever let the inmates of the Stun Devil Asylum talk him into starting Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, who has gone from leading the nation in passing efficiency last season to leading it in passing mediocrity this year. Meanwhile, the U$C Condoms showed they remain the class of the conference with a workmanlike dismantling of the Tedheads 23-9. If the Condoms take care of business against the Weis Guys and the Ruins in the coming weeks, they’ll likely be playing for a national title for an incredible fourth straight season. Which is roughly the amount of time these cheatin’ bastards should serve on probation for those $50,000 SUVs with $20,000 sound systems. Not that it will ever happen on Hansen’s watch. On the other hand, if we could just produce a little video evidence of some few fruit baskets… But I digress.
QUICK HITTERS
News Only A Blood-Sucking Attorney Like Brown Could Love – Ryan Chappell ran for 235 yards and five touchdowns as North Dakota blasted Winona State 42-0 in the first round of the NCAA D-II playoffs. The victory came mere days after the school’s attorneys received a restraining order against the NCAA allowing UND to host the playoff game while maintaining its Fighting Sioux nickname. In an unrelated development, the NCAA attorney was found dead in his driveway with seven arrows in his back. ***** First Rummy; Now This – The US Military continued its Year to Forget with Army taking its annual ass-kicking from the cleats of the Bead Rubbers 41-9. Of course, the Irish are the only allegedly premiere football program that plays all three academies every year. Is it any wonder they’re called Notre Shame? ***** Speaking of Impressive Wins, Volume 1 – Rich “Babbling” Brooks has finally gotten his Kentucky Mildcats to seven wins. The signature victory came with a two-point victory over always-tough Louisiana-Monroe. Apparently, Rich learned took a few lessons in aggressive scheduling back when he was in Anarchy Central. ***** Speaking of Impressive Wins, Volume 2 – FSU’s offense finally tallied four touchdowns as the Semenholes upended Western Michigan 28-20. Apparently, the team was inspired by Bowden the Younger’s impending departure. ***** Not To Be Too Cavalier About It … — …but Virginia’s 17-7 victory over the Canes further punctuated Larry Coker’s future in Miami. And the MMQB would say that the applicable punctuation is no longer a question mark. ***** Anti-Climax Bowl – The Wisconsin “We Don’t Need No Stinking” Badgers reached eleven regular season wins for the first time in school history with a 35-3 victory over Buffalo. Nothing quite like pasting your traditional rivals. ***** Devils are Blue – Georgia Tech thumped Duke 49-21. Now the only thing standing between the Dukies and a seasoned unblemished by victory is next Saturday’s standoff against the almost equally inept Carolina Tar Heels. ***** Turkeys Have Their Day – The Virginia Tech Hokies dominated Wake Forest 27-6, bringing the Demon Deacons crashing back to earth. And everyone thought it was the turkeys that couldn’t fly. (Cue one of the funniest lines in sit-com history: Les Nesman from WKRP in Cincinnati: “God as my witness; I thought turkeys could fly.”) ***** Not With A Bang – Jo Pa watched from the press box as his beloved Nittany Lions ended the MSU coaching career of John “What The” L. Smith with a 17-13 loss. Fittingly enough, the Sputterings once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
HYPE BOWL GOES TO THE NUTS
It was nice to see this week’s edition of the Game of the Century was actually a pretty compelling contest, rather than the usual snooze-fest these things normally turn out to be. Unfortunately, Friday’s unexpected passing (no pun intended) of Bo Schembechler, who routinely served as Don James’ bitch throughout the 1970’s and 1980’s, put something of a damper on the whole proceeding. Of course, that’s really no big deal compared to the fact that Bo’s death makes it almost unbelievable that the MMQB, in his quest to always provide his loyal readers with unexpected cultural enlightenment, had planned to spend several paragraphs extolling the virtues of a band of tOSU alumni named – and I am not making this up – the Dead Schembechlers. Admittedly a rather narrow market, but one must assume their snappy renditions of toe-tappers like “Bomb Ann Arbor Now” and “Wolverine Destroyer” play well in Columbus. Unexpectedly freed from such musical distractions, the Scarlet and Gray upended Big Blue 42-39 in a game that went down to the final minutes. QB Troy Smith, who may have wrapped up the Johnny “Run It Up On Cumberland” Heisman trophy with his performance, immodestly proclaimed, “the best team won.” Of course, we grammarians know that it should have been “the better team,” but Smith is laboring under the handicap of a tOSU education, so we’ll cut him some slack. Besides, he’s hardly had time to attend class between counting those booster payments. That having been said (and really, who other than the MMQB can you count on to say it?), Smith’s post-game comment was still not quite as long a stretch as Meeshigan RB Mike Hart’s petulant comment, that “I guarantee if we play them again it would be a whole different game.” Which would be good, because who but a dedicated Buckeye fan would want to sit through the same game again? It probably won’t matter, but what happens if the BCS breaks go the right/wrong way and Blue backs its way into the Mulligan Bowl? And what happens if they win? Does tOSU immediately begin lobbying for the Rubber Game Bowl? (And how can you have a Rubber Game without the Condoms? Just wondering…) The BCS quite simply makes the MMQB’s brain hurt.
MMQB HIGH SCHOOL SPOTLIGHT
Bothell and Pasco battled to a hard fought 14-14 tie in the Washington state playoff quarterfinals. No problem, just keep playing to settle this thing. Nine – count ‘em, nine – overtimes later, Bothell emerged a 43-40 winner. The nine overtimes tied a national HS record. Kids entered that game as juniors and emerged as seniors. No, wait – that was a couple weeks ago at U-Dub…
GREAT MOMENTS IN SCHEDULING
One has to wonder, how can a major conference take something as straightforward as scheduling and end up having it more f*cked up than a frog in a blender? Well, leave it to Touchdown Tommy Hansen and his merry band of Pac 10 Pranksters to do just that. I’m not talking about the dimwitted scheduling quirks that force the Beloved Purple and Gold to visit Anarchy Central’s concrete bunker virtually every year. Nor am I talking about the bizarre situation where some Stun Devils played their entire career without ever having the privilege of visiting The Most Beautiful Stadium in America. I’m not even talking about Tommy’s numbskull observation that “it evens out every 18 years” (as if that’s acceptable). Nah, not talking ‘bout any of those things, though Lord knows they’re all worthy of the MMQB’s own subtle brand of pointed observation. No, what I’m talking about now is the incredibly uneven playing field that the league forces on its fine student athletes over the course of a single season. How is it that the BP&G are forced to play a twelve-game schedule without the benefit of a single bye week, while most other Pathetic Ten teams have enjoyed at least one bye and still have at least a game to play? The Spoiled Children, for instance, still have TWO games to go – against traditional rivals the Rudies and the Ruins. Sure, I know that Tommy’s slavish and embarrassingly ineffective pursuit of the almighty TV buck drives many of his decisions, but one would hope that he’d try to at least maintain the illusion of fairness.
PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS
OK, the Pooch season is over, done like dinner. Which means that the MMQB regular season has also drawn to a close. I’m not making any promises because, after all, your humble narrator hasn’t enjoyed a bye this season either. But there remains the distinct possibility that I’ll be cranking out other well-chosen comments on the color and pageantry of college football as teams finish their regular seasons and prepare for the upcoming slate of 637 bowl games. No extra charge.
You haven’t heard the last from me!
McTavish O’Fishlivet
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*Note: As much as the MMQB despises the Ducks, even he must admit that this year’s Boomerectomy of the Sooners in the Bunker takes a back seat to the Big Twelve officials granting Colorado a fifth down in 1990. But it was close…
This weekend would not be a strong candidate for induction into the MMQB Weekend o’ Fun Hall of Fame. The weather had all the allure of an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney. Then there were some college football results that were, shall we say, a little less than completely satisfying. And in my apparently ill-advised journey to the local casino for some Hold ‘Em poker action Saturday night, my ace-high full house was cracked by quad fours. For those of you wise enough to remain ignorant of the mathematical intricacies of the second-most addictive activity this side of the golf course, let me clarify what I just said: the odds are 220-1 against that sh*theel weasel f*ckhead holding pocket fours to make his quads. Roughly translated, I got treated like Ned Beatty’s stunt double in “Deliverance” if you get my drift and I think that you do. So I’ve got that going for me.
A NEW HIGH IN LOWS
When you get to the bottom of the hole, the smart money says to stop digging. Apparently, hole digging is not covered in Geology 101 (“Rocks for Jocks”) at U-Dub. The MMQB thought he’d seen it all: upset by a 37-point underdog Barkrat team in the mid-80’s; Jim Halfbright’s embarrassing diatribe against his own scout team following the Oahu Bowl fiasco; Gilby’s team losing to Nevada; for that matter, pretty much the entire Gilbertson era (other than the 42-10 AFLAC whupping and the Apple Cup comeback in 2003). Yes, your most humble narrator thought that he’d already seen the lowest of the lows. But apparently, his Beloved Purple and Gold Huskydoggies have a vast untapped potential to suck, as they aptly demonstrated in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America Saturday. The only good thing I can say about this game is that weather and road conditions (not to mention a healthy if rare dose of common sense) forced the Rumpled Publisher and your humble narrator to forego our usual seats on the infamous “drip line” of Section 40. Had we not made this remarkably good call Friday afternoon, we would have been first-hand witnesses as the Mutts were summarily dominated by a Stunnedford Cardinal team that hadn’t won in 364 days and had resigned themselves to diving kamikaze-like toward the first 0-12 season in Pathetic 10 history. Guys, here’s a clue: When playing a team like that, you don’t f*ck around. You jump on them early and break their spirit. Instead, the home team once again stumbled and bumbled its way out of the blocks, completely unable to take advantage of the fact that Stunnedford gained a total – total, mind you – of six yards in their first five possessions. The little piles of statistical dog crap are too numerous to mention them all. But let’s just take a look at the running game – or more accurately, the lack thereof – no running back had a run of more than five yards for the home team. Five yards? For chrissakes, Napoleon Kauffman could pick up five yards while farting “The Star Spangled Banner.” OK, I don’t even know what that means, but I think you get my drift. The entire team rushed for a whopping 39 yards, this against a defense so porous that it came into the game allowing an average of 200 yards more than that. I know we said this was going to be a five-year rebuilding project. I know we said that we would need to be patient. But I also know it’s hard to be patient when you let one of the nation’s worst teams come into your house and walk away with their first victory in Seattle in more than 30 years. John Elway couldn’t pull it off, but TC Ostrander could. Good f*cking God. And with Mr. Personality’s record at U-Dub now standing at 6-16 (vs. Gilby’s 7-16 mark in two seasons), one has to wonder whether he has either the tactical or the motivational skills required of a great coach. True, any team would struggle to overcome the physical impact of the injuries and psychological impact of those close loses. But this team gets off the starting line like a Yugo with two clogged cylinders. And more than a few players hinted that they were upset and distracted by Ty’s unilateral decision to not return five players who were seniors academically but retained another year of eligibility, such as safety Chris Hemphill. All Hemphill has done in two games since replacing Jason Wells is make 24 tackles, an interception and a fumble recovery. Yeah, can’t see why we’d want a stiff like that back. Is it any wonder the good ship Husky is listing like Teddy Kennedy on a three-day bender? Headed into the Apple Cup, first back-up QB Carl Bonnell has been battered like an onion ring and is likely out with a thigh bruise; second back-up QB Johnny DuRocher is questionable with a concussion; and third back-up QB Felix “The Cat” Sweetwater has a shoulder stinger suffered in, of all things, punt coverage. Fortunately, the NCAA has declined Ty’s emergency request to determine whether the MMQB has any remaining eligibility.
SO THIS IS WHAT A ROAD GAME FEELS LIKE…
Ever the optimist, the MMQB knows that there’s always a silver lining. And, no, I am not talking about the latest augmentation to the AFLAC uniforms. I’m talking about the orgasmic joy any sane person enjoys while watching the University of Zero get b*tch-slapped around the Coliseum, even when the b*tch-slappers are none other than the Spoiled Children. The Condoms’ barrier method defense rendered the Slugeaters’ offense impotent, most notably holding Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart to a mere 42 yards rushing. In fact, the AFLAC’s lone touchdown was – you’ll never guess – a controversial one awarded to the University of Nike … er … I mean Orygun after a long and convoluted official review. Bottom line: This game was not even as close as the 35-10 final tally, although Mikey Bawlalotti insists his charges simply ran out of time (and bribery money) to stage a historic and miraculous comeback.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
It was the week of the upset in the Pathetic 10. In fact, in most of Saturday’s games, the underdog prevailed, the notable exception being the Toejam’s 35-10 thrashing of the Fowls in a game that wasn’t that close. The headlining Upset Special, meanwhile, was clearly the ‘Zona Mildcats’ 24-20 victory over the team most learned observers – including the MMQB – felt to be the class of the Pathetic 10, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. The Boys from Berkeley squandered a 17-3 third-quarter lead to a Mildcat team that entered the game averaging a grand total of 13.8 points per game. But two second-half interceptions of Nate “Not So Great” Longshore, one returned for the winning TD, gave the Mildcats their second straight victory over a top 25 team. (Which leads to an obvious question: How did the Pooches ever beat these guys?) As time expired, Mildcat fans delirious with the victory over a top 10 foe stormed the field in a scene eerily reminiscent of a Concrete Bunker celebration following a victory over Portland State. The best explanation one can offer for the unexpected outcome is that Bares were looking ahead to next week’s show-down with U$C, which in case you missed it, beat U-Ho 35-10 in a game that wasn’t that close. Meanwhile, across the Canyon State, the ASU Stun Devils rolled up 562 yards and scored on their first seven possessions during a 47-14 of the Boogs. Boog head coach Bill Yaba-Doba-Doo was less than pleased that Dirk “Hair” Koetter was still calling pass plays with less than two minutes to go in the game. But Dirk explained away the apparent affront and bad sportsmanship, saying he was just emulating his mentor Mikey Bawlalotti. “Besides, our fans still had tortillas to toss on the field,” Koetter continued. “Oh yeah, and I’m trying to save my f*ckin’ job here.” None of this appeased Yaba the Hutt-Hutt-Hike, whose charges have come out with two stinkers in a row since defeating U-Ho, which in case you missed it, lost to U$C 35-10 in a game that wasn’t that close. In other conference action, the Barkrats fell hard to the (f)UCLA Ruins 25-7. The Ruins were led to victory by QB Pat Cowan (whose father played for the Dawgfather in the 1980s), who was judged by Ricky Sweatervest to be unworthy of a U-Dub scholarship. (I’m just saying…) On the flip side, Barkrat signal-caller Matt Moore, who left the Ruins after losing his starting position, did not receive a warm reception from his former teammates, as they sacked him five times and held him to 159 yards passing. The Barkrats now return to Cornvalley to square off for the coveted Gas Pump Nozzle trophy in the Civil War against U-Ho, which in case you missed it, lost to U$C 35-10 in a game that wasn’t that close.
AND IN NORTHWEST ACTION…
The Vaunted Student Athletes of U-Pay-US battled valiantly, but came up short as the undefeated Whitworth Pirates (arg!) sank the good ship Upset 44-27. The loss left the Logs at 7-3, their most successful season since “Mercury” Mike Oliphant was ripping up opponents. Meanwhile, the Willies were apparently in a charitable mood, handing the PLUtes eight, count ‘em eight, turnovers in their season-ending 38-7 loss. The Baretats notched a grand total of two victories this year, a disappointing outcome blamed on a lack of inspirational alumni support.
QUICK HITTERS
Fancy Passing – Division III Stroudsburg QB Jimmy Terwilliger threw eight TD passes in his team’s 56-16 win over Kutztown. (No, that’s not a misprint; it’s not Klutztown, and it’s rude of you to ask.) Jimmy ended his career with an arm-weary148 TDs and 16,064 passing yards. Which is pretty heady stuff even if the opponents had been klutzes. ***** It’s All About Blocking and Tackling – But in the case of the Florida MasterGators’ 17-16 victory over Steve Superior and the Lamecocks, it was mostly blocking. As in a blocked PAT and a last-second blocked FG providing the slim margin of victory. Which is why the MMQB has always said (and he’s been quoted by so many), you gotta be sound in the kicking game. ***** A Leg Up – That’s what JoPa had as he stayed home recuperated from the injury suffered on the sidelines last week. The Nittany Lions promptly went out and pasted the Temple of Doom 47-zip. Apparently they we were motivated to go out and win one for the Tripper. ***** Can I Get A Witness? – The Right Reverend Houston Nutt has the First Evangelical Church of the Razorback singing hallelujahs left and right, rallying the Hogs from a season-opening thrashing at the hands of U$C to go 9-1. Saturday, Nutt and Co. dominated the visiting Tennessee Rockytoppers 31-14. Next week’s sermon: Why condoms are evil. ***** Slow and Steady Wins the Day – The Fighting Turtles of the Chesapeake earned the rare distinction of beating both Florida State and Miami in the same season, tripping the Blowhards 14-13 despite making only six first downs. Hurricane players seemed to be distracted by their impending plans to bury both murdered teammate Bryan “Pitta” Pata and coach Larry Coker’s career. ***** Back to Normal – With no Vince Young to bail out his ass, Mack Brown’s Donghorns returned to their historical position as talented underachievers, falling to a middle-of-the pack K-State squad, 45-42. Cue Lou Holtz on why Texas is the best two-loss team in the country. ***** State Your Case– Whiny Boise State may end up undefeated and still on the outside of the BCS, looking in. Based on their last-second 23-20 victory over San Jose State, the MMQB says that’s exactly where the Broncs belong. In my experience, perfection isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (Choke, cough, sputter – sorry, lost it there for a minute.) ***** Shut Down, Shut Out, Shut Up – If there were any question whether Bobby Bowden could spare his son’s job as offensive coordinator, Saturday’s 30-0 spanking at the hands of the Demon Deacons should put an end to that speculation. We’re not talking Florida or Miami here; this was Wake, as in what they’ll be holding for Jeff’s career. ***** Clash of the Titans – THE Ohio State University walloped Northworstern 54-10 and Michigan similarly thumped the Indian Hoosier-Daddies 34-3 as both teams tuned up for next week’s showdown. It will be the first time these great rivals square off as #1 and #2 in all the land. Reports from Columbus are that the game is likely to be a sell-out.
At least we have that to look forward to. Oh yeah, and basketball season.
Dejectedly yours, I remain –
McTavish O’Fishlivet
Good morning, Dawgfans! God, there’s nothing better … nothing like taking on a team from down South and just kicking the holy living stuffin’ right out of them. And that’s just what our Beloved Purple and Gold Huskydawgs did this weekend, God love ‘em. What’s that, you say? Yes, of course I know that it was just an exhibition game in which the Pooch pumpkin pounders tuned up on the Saints of Lacey’s St. Martin’s University. But for any Dawg devotee, a win in November is still a win in November…
MEANWHILE, IN OTHER ACTION…
There was only one of two ways this game could go. Either the plucky little puppies from Seattle would sneak down into the Concrete Bunker and come away with the totally unexpected victory against the most hated of rivals. This would clearly be the outcome if there were goodness and light in the world. Unfortunately, based on his extensive experience as a learned, unbiased and fair-minded observer of the color and pageantry of college football today, the MMQBM (Monday Morning Quarterback & Mathematician) could assign no more than a probability of 3.26893468 percent to this most desired outcome. Even more unfortunately, that left nearly a 97 percent (OK, 96.73106532 percent – what are you an Intel engineer?) probability that the BP&G’s 17th annual foray into Anarchy Central would result in a victory for the Slug-Eating Pieces of Duck Sh*t (SEPDS). And sure enough, after an October spent in the football equivalent of leaving birdie putts on the lip, the Pooches ushered in the month of November with the football equivalent of reaching the green (or is that black?) in regulation and then promptly twelve-putting. Just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s mention just a couple of the lowlights, like the impressive 138 yards of total offense, including an even more impressive 13 yards gained on 21 rushing attempts. Then there’s the little matter of allowing Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart to shred the defense for more yards on the ground than the entire Pooch team gained both running and passing. It’s clear that a marginal Pooch team is being worn down by a schedule that forced the BP&G to play on the road against the Pathetic 10’s top three teams as well as against their toughest non-conference opponent, a Boomer Sooner team that is a blown call (just thought I’d throw that in) away from being 8-1 and in the Top Ten. Add that schedule to this team and you are Bill Muncied – dead in the water. Sigh. Now where was I? Oh yeah, back on track now … so it all came down to another opportunity for the Quackerbackers to storm the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record for their traditional post-game taunting. And the MMQB is left with another gaping empty space in his heart and a lingering gaping empty space on the table roughly the size and shape of the RJ Gallooshes Traveling Trophy. One can only hope that someday soon, the trophy will return to its rightful place. Of course, that’s the way one feels about U-Ho ever returning to play a game in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America – one can only hope it happens someday soon. (Yes, I know that it’s supposed to happen next season, but anyone want to place a wager on when the Walnut Creek Wackos will announce their next schedule “correction,” resulting in another half-dozen or so years of battles in Eugene. My God, it’s like Eva Braun – once we enter the Concrete Bunker, we never get to leave.) So in the meantime, about all a dedicated Duck despiser can do is prepare to root on the mighty U$C Toejams in next weekend’s showdown against the Quackers. Fight on …
THERE’S A REASON “COUGING IT” IS PART OF THE NW SPORTS VENACULAR
Speaking of predictable. Coming off impressive victories over the Mallards and the Ruins and freshly anointed the #25 ranking in all the land, the Pussies of the Palouse took the field as 16.5 point-favorites against one of the bottom-feeders of the Pathetic Ten, the Arizona Mildcats. And sure enough, despite playing before a sell-out crowd of (I’m not making this up) 35,117 (God, that kills me – there’s got to be nearly 100,000 teeth in a crowd like that), the boys in crimson and gray managed to come up on the short end of a 27-17 tally. One has to wonder what is most galling to the unfortunate denizens of Pull-my-finger-man. Could it be defensive coordinator Robb Akey “Breaky” and his troops giving up 142 yards rushing to the Mildcats, a team that went nearly a month of games without gaining positive rushing yards? Or was it coach Yaba-Doba-Doo-Doo’s decision, upon cutting the ‘Zona lead to three and seizing the momentum, to once again order up a fake-punt which, predictably, failed. (A decision vaguely reminiscent of last season’s inexplicable fake punt while leading Cal by 10 with some 6:00 left in the game.) Or maybe it was the lackadaisical effort that prompted Wazzu guard Sean O’Conor to admit that his team was looking ahead to a bowl game and conclude that “we’re not as good as we think we are.” As far as the MMQB is concerned, if they could just see there way clear to continuing along that path for a couple more weeks, it would be greatly appreciated. My guess is that after all that, the most galling thing is that they still live in Pullman.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
John David Booty “Call” led U$C to a 42 – zip shellacking of Stunnedford, the Trees’ worst shutout loss in some 20 years. Perhaps no Tree had a worse game than Wopamo Osaisai who was burned on a TD pass and then fumbled the ensuing kick-off, setting up another Toejam TD seven seconds later. Osaisai immediately requisitioned a new name for oh so many reasons. Walt Harris “Tweed” and company have tied a 46 year-old school record for futility with their 11th straight defeat. It’s clear that the SAT crew hasn’t been the same since Chelsea Clinton and her infamous pre-game “pep rallies” left Palo Alto. And if they could just keep it up – or more accurately, not up — for another week… Meanwhile, the Fighting Tedheads of Strawberry Canyon continued on their collision course with the Toejams by running over the Ruins of (f)UCLA 38-24. After the game, the Ted the Head Tedhead said, “Clearly, UCLA was no Washington.” And the conference’s second-hottest team, the snarling Barkrats of OSU scored on their first five possessions in thumping Dirk “What is my buy-out, again?” Koetter and the rest of the Stunned Devils, 44-10. One can only hope (and pray) that Mike “Boomarang” Riley’s Barkrat troops maintain their momentum for a few more weeks; say at least until the upcoming Civil War in the Beandip Bowl.
LOGGERS CUT DOWN OAKS … AND MORE …
Seems to me the outcome of this game was pretty much predetermined in the all-important nickname comparison. Who normally wins in a match-up of Loggers and trees? Hint: it ain’t the old growth. On the strength of Rory Lee’s 310 yards and seven touchdowns, the Vaunted Student Athletes (VSA’s) of U-Pay destroyed the future venture capitalists of Menlo, 48-7. As a result, the VSA’s are 7-2, baby. Let’s face it, there was a time that it seemed unlikely U-Pay-Us would win seven games in a decade, much less a season. But all that has changed as the forces of goodness and right are finally enjoying a little of the success they so richly deserve. (If only the Gods of the Pigskin would smile a little bit on another institution of higher learning located a little further up I-5…but I digress.) In other, much less consequential news, Willamette forced seven turnovers and racked up nearly 400 yards of offense in bitch-slapping everyone’s favorite punching bag, Lewis and Clark, 61-14. Of course, besting the Pioneers by anything less than 70 points is a little like nipping the self-avowed “29-but-can’t-play-to-it” bulldog swoosh attorney with a six-footer for double bogey on 18. Nevertheless, the impressive outing brought the Bare Pussies’ season record all the way up to 2-6.
QUICK HITTERS
Stupid Athlete Tricks – (Foot) Ball State, the alma mater of one David Letterman, was a five-TD underdog to Big Blue in the Big House. But the Wolverines had a real battle on their hands, barely holding off the visitors 34-26. Which saved the MMQB a lot of time concocting a “Top 10 Reasons Why The Wolverines Bit the Big One.” ***** It All Comes Down To Competing With Meeeeeeshigan, Doesn’t It? – Not to be outdone in the embarrassing near-miss department, the top-rated tOSU Buckeyes barely slipped by the Fighting Zookers of Illinois. 17-10. Nevertheless, I doubt that anyone will be firing up a www.firejimtressel.com website anytime soon. ***** Fear the Turtle Pie – Maryland beat Clemson 13-12, as kicker Dan “I Can See Your” Ennis booted the game-winner as time expired, ruining the four FGs and would-be heroics of his counterpart, Clemson kicker Jad “And” Dean. Ralph “Cleans Out The” Friedgen has now beaten Bobby and Tommy on successive weeks, meaning that Ann Bowden is unlikely to invite the big guy over for a meal anytime soon. ***** Don’t Let the Door Hit You In The Ass on the Way Out – John Bunting is out in Chapel Hill and John “What the” L. Smith is similarly sh*t-canned in East Lansing, giving their respective teams opportunities to rally to their defense. Unfortunately, the Heels promptly went out and lost 45-26 to Notre Shame while the Sputterings fell 17-15 to Purdon’t. Talk about your master motivators… ***** Can’t Spell Badgers Without B-A-D – It’s not bad enough that the Madison Meanies defeated Penn State 13-3. But when State’s octogenarian coach JoPa has to be carted off the field in a cart and a knee brace, well that’s just wrong. The Gods of Football do not look kindly on this, mark my words, my friends, not kindly at all… ***** Maybe If That 12TH Man Were On The Field… – Texas A&M came up a point short against the O-O-O-Oh-Oklahoma Boomer Sooners. Perhaps the Gaggies’ non-conference games against The Citadel and LA-Lafayette left a little something to be desired in the tune-up department. ***** Living High on the Hogs – After getting pasted by the Spoiled Children to start the season, the Arkansas Hogs have run off nine straight victories, including a 26-20 win over “the other” U$C Saturday. Apparently Steve Superior was a little inferior to that Nutt coaching the Razorbacks. ***** The Breeders Cup – Everyone seems enamored of Texas Donghorn QB Colt McCoy, who’s admittedly having a solid season. But he’s certainly not the strongest Colt in the QB-nation field. That honor goes to Hawaii QB Colt Brennan who threw for 413 yards and six TD’s a 63-10 romp over Utah State. In nine games, Brennan has completed nearly 73 percent of his passes for 3347 yards and 39 touchdowns for a QB rating of 189.95. If he keeps this up, this Colt is likely to be put out to stud. As if he’s not already …
… And speaking of studs, that’s just about enough from your most humble narrator for yet another week –
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – The Seattle Times recently profiled Nike founder and Leader of the Flock Phil Knight. While the mainstream media stopped short of the exhaustive research and detailed, unbiased reporting you’ve come to expect from the MMQB, they nonetheless included a number of issues which should lend the Fowls in the NCAA’s hot water. Let’s see, how about giving a booster detailed reports on the recruiting of prospective student athletes (or in the case of the University of Zero, prospective athletes, f*ck the student part – see Manley, Dexter Jr.) when coaches aren’t supposed to make any comments about potential recruits? To name but one. The MMQB could go on and on, but what’s the point? The Sunglassed One would simply pay off his Lapdogs in KC. But someday soon, the whole lid is going to be blown off the inner workings of Brownie and his band of Swoosh-crazed pranksters. They’re going to make the ratf*cking Plumbers of the Nixon White House look like amateurs. You think the Canuck letter was bad? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, baby. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part. And the MMQB is just the guy to do it.
PPS – For those of you that tuned into today’s missive expecting (or, dare I say, even hoping for) a torrent of F-bombs, shame on you. I’ve matured. I’ve risen above such petty and petulant outbursts. So all I have to say is, f*ck you. And f*ck the D*cks. F*ck their drive-a-maggot-off-a-gut-cart uniforms. F*ck the plasma screens, and the f*ck the free rent, and f*ck the convicts on the roster. F*ck the porn star. F*ck the coaching legend whose career losing record is honored on the field. F*ck the Kip Kinkle fans with their f*cking duckbill kazoos. F*ck ‘em all. Oh, and f*ck you, Philly, too. And now that I’m on a roll, f*ck you, Hansen, and the rest of the Pathetic Ten’s incompetent schedule makers. And lest I forget, f*ck all you dumbf*ck Oregonians, you income-tax-paying, Birkenstock-and-sock-wearing, armpit hair-weaving, pay-to-have your f*ckin’ gas pumped, little wannabe f*ckers. F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you. F*ck all of you. I feel better now. Thank you so very much.
