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“I believe in America.” So begins the greatest movie of all time, “The Godfather.” And as your humble narrator watches the undertaker appeal to Don Corleone for justice, I can’t help but relate. You know you cannot refuse a request on your daughter’s wedding day. So, please Dawgfather, I beg you. Bring us some justice. Actually, on second thought, f*ck the justice – bring us some f*ckin’ victories.
IT’S ENOUGH TO PISS A GUY OFF
Am I pissed that ASU TB Keegan “Pickled” Herring and the rest of the Stun Devils spoiled Saturday’s Lambo-Love-a-Thon by nipping the Pooches 26-23? Kinda. Am I pissed that it was the Mutts’ second straight loss in OT? Sorta. Am I pissed that the Beloved Purple and Gold are a mere three plays away from a more-than-respectable and completely surprising 7-4 record? Well, yeah. And for that matter, I’m pissed the Foul Fowls are some official incompetence away from boasting that same 7-4 mark. How much better would Saturday’s titanic clash be if both teams shared the same record? We’ll never know. Instead, thanks to a blatant late hit by Stun Devil LB Dexter Davis, the already overmatched Mutts are likely to be making their 17th straight trip to the Concrete Bunker with Johnny “The Jaw” DuRocher (not to be confused with Uncle Leo the Lip) as the starting QB. Yeah, the same DuRocher who earlier this season admitted that he didn’t expect to see the field again in his U-Dub career. What a great story it would be if the escapee from the land of plasma screens, vomit-inducing uniforms, and free rent could return to the scene of the fashion crime and lead his current team, those lovable Mutts of Montlake, to an unexpected and historic victory. Fire up the screenwriters’ laptops, baby, Hollywood has a guaranteed tear-jerking blockbuster on its hands! It’s “Rocky” with shoulder pads. I laughed, I cried, I made julienne fries. But I digress … on the other hand, if – God forbid – Johnny should get hurt, we’ll see walk-on Felix “The Cat” Sweetman walking onto the Field Named For A Coach With a Career Losing Record to take the reins of the Huskydawg offensive juggernaut. And no good can come from that. In short, it looks like it will be yet another year until the Achmed Bin Galloshes Traveling Trophy resumes its rightful place in the BP&G room of Chez MMQB. Which is really the thing to piss a guy off…
QUACKS CHALLENGE THEMSELVES IN TUNE-UP FOR DAWGS
Here’s a surprise: the Ladies of the Knight will play host to our poor, injury-wracked Huskydoggies next week. Yeah, like that doesn’t happen every year. An even bigger surprise: they’ll be coming off a tune-up against the easiest lay in town, 1AA Portland State. The final score was exactly what one would expect: AFLACs 55, Vikes 12. After the game, the Former Porn Star Look-alike proudly trumpeted the second-half dominance of his defense. Which is a little like Erwin Rommel bragging on his Panzers’ success in fighting off the charge of the Polish cavalry. But peel back a few layers of this particular onion and one will find that the boys in the Klingon pajams led by only an uncomfortable 21-12 tally late in the second quarter. It was then that the coach of PSU (another Nike school, one can be sure) called a strategic time out to address his gutty little band of overachievers. Generally, these inspirational addresses are shared only with the team and then lost for the ages. But fortunately for my loyal readers, the MMQB’s crack research team was equipped with a long-range parabolic microphone to capture the Rockne-esque ravings of Vike coach Tim “Don’t Call Me Joe” Walsh. “Gentlemen,” he yelled over the din of the rabid denizens of the Concrete Bunker, “you’re off to a great start. Now all I ask is that you remember what you’re here for.” With that, he tipped his hat to Uncle Phil’s luxury box and sent his team back onto the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record. Suitably inspired, the Vikes promptly went out and gained all of 62 yards in the second half, never once crossing midfield, giving up five QB sacks and generously handing over four turnovers. And then Coach Walsh led his charges out of Anarchy Central and onto I-5 with a newly fattened checkbook. Mission accomplished.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
How ‘bout dem Beavs? The world hasn’t seen a angry pack of Beavers rejecting Condoms like that since the publication of the armpit hair manifesto “Our Bodies, Our Selves” in the 1970s. The Barkrats raced to a 33-10 lead, making this issue’s “Sports Illustrated” story questioning the Toejam prospects for the remainder of the season seem prescient. The SI crystal ball got a little foggy, however, as the Spoiled Children rallied for 21 unanswered points and were a tipped two-point conversion pass away from spoiling the Saturday night boot-knocking prospects for every self-respecting athlete in Cornvalley. (In case you’re wondering, by the MMQB’s standard, those Barkrats still willing to visit the local goat farms fall significantly outside the definitional boundary of “self-respecting.”) Anyway, this learned observer of the color and pageantry of college football today is now awaiting the national pundits’ reaction to the Barkrat upset. Lord knows if it were the SEC, the ACC, or the Big (Fill In A Number Here), their blather would go something like this: “you see, that’s what makes this conference so tough – almost nobody can get through it unbeaten.” But since it’s the Pathetic Ten, with all the national exposure and respect built up over the years through the outstanding leadership of Touchdown Tommy Hansen, the reaction is more likely to be, “you see, we told you U$C was down this year. It’s really an off year in the conference.” That misperception is no doubt reinforced by the fact that (f)UCLA really is playing like the Ruins this year, including Saturday’s 37-15 smack-down at the hands of the visiting Pussies of Pull-my-finger-man. In case you had any doubt about priorities in Westwood, the half-time entertainment in the Rose Bowl was a tape of highlights from last season’s March Madness Ruin victory over the quivering mustached lip of Adam Morrison and the Zags. Suitably inspired, the football team promptly went out and was outscored 23-zip in the second half. Meanwhile, neither the conference’s best team, the fighting Tedheads of Cal, nor its worst team, the Stunnedford Trees, played this weekend.
A TALE OF TWO UNIVERSITIES
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. On the positive side of the ledger, senior Rory Lee’s 204 yards rushing led the vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us to a stirring 28-25 comeback victory over Colorado College. The Baker Stadium Irregulars are enjoying their best season in two decades, having logged (if you’ll pardon the pun) six wins. No such luck for the Mad Scientist’s alma mater, as Willamette served as Whitworth’s punk-ass bitch, 28-14.
QUICK HITTERS
And Counting … – Notre Dame once again sunk Navy, this time 38-14, making it 43 straight victories for the Domers over the Bargepumpers from Annapolis. Coincidentally enough, that’s also the number of consecutive seasons the Pooches have been forced to visit The Concrete Bunker. ***** Nick Marks the Dot – The only real drama in The Ohio State University’s 44-0 pasting of the Mini-Sota Olden O-fers was whether Jack Nicklaus could successfully dot the “I” in the tOSU band’s script Ohio. He got it done, but knowledgeable observers agreed that Arnie would have had more style and Tiger would have been more efficient. ***** Revenge is Sweet – The Temple of Doom brought an end to its 20-game losing streak with a 28-14 win over Bowling for Green. The Hooter victory avenged a 70-7 loss to the Falcons last season. ***** Anyone for Lacrosse? – Vandy thumped Duke 45-28. The Really, Really Blue Devils now are the proud owners of the nation’s longest losing streak. ***** Phew, That Was Close – No sooner had the Walking, Talking NCAA Violation (aka, Lou “Nuts and” Holtz) spent ten minutes arguing that Texas was the best one-loss team in all the land, than they went out a dug themselves a 21-point hole against Texas Tech. Fortunately for Sweet Lou’s prognosticating gig, the Donghorns stormed back to win 35-31 – which also saved us from next week’s lecture on why Texas is the best two-loss team in all the land. ***** Don’t Stop, You’re On a Roll –The RockyToppers strolled into Colombia and upended the Not-so-Gamecocks 31-24. Of course, this was just after Holtz guaranteed a victory for his former team. ***** High Tide in Tuscaloosa – ‘Bama spanked Florida International 38-8. The Tide rolled due in no small measure to the absence of 18 Golden Panthers, still suspended in the aftermath of the infamous brawl with Miami. Which conclusively proves the ‘Bama varsity is significantly better than your average beach volleyball squad. ***** Hurry Canes – Miami was a little more impatient than FIU about getting back to full strength, what with a solid G-Tech team looming on the schedule. Even prematurely returned to full strength, the miscreants came up short as GT rambled and wrecked the Canes 30-23. Hey, Larry, this is not going to look good on a resume! ***** Speaking of Resumes –Maryland’s 27-24 victory over the now-.500 Seminoles is just the latest evidence that some fresh resumes will be winging their way across the fax wires from Tallahassee at season’s end. The only open question is whether the first name at the top of that page is going to be Jeff or Bobby. ***** Gad Zook! – The Fighting Zookers dominated the first half before Wisconsin’s We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers came storming back in the second for a 30-24 victory. Talk about putting the Ill back in Illini! ***** Michigan State of Disrepair – Indiana’s Hoosier Daddies summarily thumped the Sputterings, 46-21. Unfortunately for coach John “What The” L. Smith, the boys in green apparently have only so many career-rescuing, 35-point comebacks in them. ***** Two Words, Benjamin: Sweater Vests – Montana held Idaho State to 92 yards of offense in the Grizzlies’ 23-10 win. Former Neuheisel protégé and current Montana coach Bobby Hauck noted the importance of the game in his team’s quest to capture the coveted Rocky Mountain Championship.
And to close: In keeping with our “Godfather” theme, I’m going to make you an offer you cannot refuse. Every one of you damn well better keep on cheering for the Beloved Purple and Gold. Either that or prepare to wake up with a horse’s ass in your bed. And Bawlalotti already has enough on his plate.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
