Monday Morning Quarterback

OK, in terms of getting the MMQB out in a timely manner, I’ve been doing one helluva fine job this season if I do say so myself. But this weekend was simply not conducive to maintaining the demanding production schedule. First, there was not insignificant matter of licking one’s psychic wounds following the BP&G’s near miss in Strawberry Canyon Saturday. Then there were Sunday’s sunny skies which suggested, nay demanded, that your humble narrator drag his sorry carcass out to the golf course. So this edition is going to end up a MAQB. So sue me. I’m not talking to you, Browns – I know that after years as Uncle Phil’s head hatchet man, you need no encouragement.

AL MICHAELS SHOULD HAVE HIS ASS WELL AND TRULY KICKED
“Do you believe in miracles?” Well, for one brief, shining moment as Marlen Wood caught that miracle heave, the MMQB’s heart overruled his brain, and I was busy shouting, “I believe” like a Pentecostal snake charmer. Alas, reality soon set in as the Fighting Tedfords dispatched the gutty visitors from Montlake in the extra stanza. I know that Tyrone the Sphinx doesn’t believe in moral victories, but the MMQB is just a Dawg devotee who nonetheless can take a certain pleasure from the fact that the undermanned pooches never backed down from a team that physically bitch-slapped the Quackers the week before. More good news was that back-up QB Carl Bonnell, pressed into service in relief of the injured Predator, racked up 348 yards of total offense and only threw nine incompletions out of 31 passes. The bad news is that guys wearing navy and gold caught five of those passes, including the game clincher by Desmond Bishop in OT. Bishop was only able to complete the half-Wheaton, thanks to the hustle of one Big Johnny Kirton, whose never-say-die effort was emblematic of the way our beloved pooches battled all day long. Of course, the MMQB would not be fulfilling his sacred duty if he failed to mention that as Bishop headed down field, not a single Cal player chose to pull a Rich Ruhle (or however you spell that classless f*cker’s name) on Bonnell’s ass. Bottom line: one way to look at it was another afternoon of plucky play, another ever-so-close loss to a superior team, and hopefully another sign that the Northwest’s pre-eminent athletic program (OK, I threw that one in for you of the feathered persuasion) is headed back in the right direction. Of course, the other way to look at it is that it was the cruelest tease since Achmed coaxed that cheerleader into the back seat lo those many years ago.

BOOGS PLUCK THE DUCKS
On the strength of two touchdowns in a 26-second span, the Mighty Pussies of the Palouse raced to a 27-3 lead, and held on for a 34-23 victory over the Fowl invaders from Anarchy Central. Short of a tragic explosion at the Cougar Gold cheese factory wiping out both teams, this was about the best outcome any sane and moral observer could hope for. Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was held to 28 yards rushing as the AFLAC offense consistently bogged down whenever it approached pay dirt. Apparently, the shock of actually playing a road game without having their hand-picked officiating crew in tow was too much for the Ladies of the Knight to overcome. After the game, AFLAC head apologist Mikey Bawlalotti struggled for answers. “Clearly this week’s uniform combo failed to perform up to our expectations,” he said. “Fortunately, we have 14,723 other combos to choose from.”

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Uh, never mind. Anyone else remember that the Pathetic 10 conference promise to address its officiating problems, most notably the non-lubed butt f*ckin’ given the Boomer Sooners at the Concrete Bunker, at the next meeting of its athletic directors? Well, in case you missed it, that meeting took place last week. Wanna venture a guess at the outcome of the ADs’ discussion? Yep, you’ve got it. They decided to gather additional information and possibly — POSSIBLY! – tackle the issue in the off-season. What else do you expect, given the inspiring and decisive leadership of one Touchdown Tommy Hansen? If you think anything more than a summary rug-sweeping will ever happen as a result of this season’s officiating debacles, then you’re probably naïve enough to think that the Spoiled Children will get more than a perfunctory slap on the wrist for the Reggie Bush improper benefits scandal. What, you mean every college student doesn’t drive a $70,000 SUV with solid gold hardware and a 36” plasma screen? I would have never guessed! Shocked, I’m shocked, I tell you! Speaking of the Condoms, they had the week off. Reports are their players spent the free time shopping for beachfront condos and setting up 401(k) plans for investing their booster payments. Hey, it’s never too early to learn fiscal responsibility, men. Meanwhile on the field, Notre Dame continues sh*tting four-leaf clovers as the Rudies scored on a 45-yard touchdown pass with 27 seconds remaining to steal a 20-17 victory from the (f)UCLA Ruins. An investigation is underway to determine the religious affiliations of the multiple Ruin players who whiffed tackles on the play. Nonetheless, the critical observer is left with the nagging feeling that the Beadrubbers would be nothing more than a solid 7-8 win team if they had to play in any major conference year in and year out, Fat Charlie’s “genius” notwithstanding. In the Stun Bowl, the ASU Stun Devils hammed Stunnedford 38-3. Got a struggling team? Take two Stunnefords and call me in the morning. The Tree has become a hauntingly appropriate mascot for the unmoving Stunnedford offense, which this week piled up an impressive 145 yards and three points. If it weren’t for Duke and Temple, the Palo Alto Posse might be the worst 1A team in the land. And as if anyone cared, the Barkrats, still basking in the glory of last week’s impressive upset of the BP&G, held off the ‘Zona Mildcats 17-10. The Mildcat cause was not helped by playing with their third-string QB, the much-maligned Kris Heavner. Going into a Pathetic 10 game with Heavner as your quarterback is kind of like the former broadcaster teeing it up against Michelle Wie, armed only with his trusty new Johnny Palmers.

BAKER STADIUM BULLIES POUND PIONEERS
The vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us ran their season record to an impressive 5-2 by destroying Lewis and Clark 70-14 before a near-capacity crowd of 829 rabid fans. Displaying their well-earned reputation for sportsmanship, the victorious Logs played four QBs in the win. Meanwhile, 1-5 Willamette managed to avoid yet another embarrassing loss by strategically scheduling B-Y-E for this past weekend.

QUICK (AND NOT-SO-QUICK) HITTERS
On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin – Wisconsin dominated Big Ten* rival Purdon’t 24-3. The We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers survived the absence of their marching band, which has been suspended for alleged off-field incidents including hazing and lewd behavior on a bus trip. “This one time, at band camp…” ***** Hurricanes Duke It Out – One week after its reprehensible mid-game brawl against Florida International, “The U” took on the Blue Devils without 16 suspended players. Let’s face it; suspending players against Duke has all the practical implications of suspending one Leonard Sorrin, Esq. from dating Scarlett Johansson. In other words, it just doesn’t matter; Miami could take a well-organized intramural team into Durham and still come out on top – which is pretty much what they did. Nevertheless, it was a little too close for comfort, as the ‘Canes needed a game-saving interception at the goal line as time expired. I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the suspended players will be back on the field for next week’s game against Georgia Tech. ***** Fun While It Lasted – The Ol’ Ball Coach and his Gamecock crew thumped Vandy 31-13. So much for the Commodes’ one-game SEC winning streak. ***** Black Is The New Magenta – Boston College upended Bobby Bowden’s boys, 24-19, despite the Semenholes’ decision to steal a page from the University of Zero playbook and take the field in uniforms only vaguely reminiscent of the school’s official colors. Unfortunately, even black duds can’t change the fact that Bobby’s boy Jeff is a crappy offensive coordinator. It’s convenient that black is also the color of funerals, because things are getting a little tense down in Tallahassee. ***** Man Puts Head in Lion’s Mouth – JoPa and the Nittany Lions dispatched Illinois, 26-12. In the aftermath, former Florida and current Illinois head man Ron Zook was seen sadly shaking his head and muttering, “I was somebody. I coulda been a contender!” ***** One Kicker Walks On; The Other is Run Off – Texas turned to its back-up kicker, walk-on Ryan Bailey, to boot the game-winner as time expired in their 22-20 victory over the Nebraska Cornholers. Regular kicker Greg Johnson, who had already missed two FGs and had a PAT blocked, mysteriously developed leg cramps during the Donghorns’ final drive. *****Yogi Was Right! — Michigan State’s Sputterings rallied from 35 down in the third quarter to topple Northworstern 41-38. It remains to be seen whether the biggest rally in 1A history is enough to save the job of MSU coach John “What The” L. Smith. ***** Off the Scheid – Dartmouth got its first win of the year, rolling mighty Columbia 20-7. Speaking of “Big Green,” alumni contributions are expected to rise exponentially in the wake of the season’s maiden victory – just in case any Dartmouth alums happen to be reading this. ***** A Miner Setback – Houston tripped up UTEP 34 -17. UTEP head coach Mike “Name Your” Price was last seen entering the Landing Strip club near Houston Int’l. ***** Speaking of Hooters… — The Temple of Doom fell to Northern Illinois 43-21. The Owls may be the only team in the country solidly in favor of new rules that shorten the game. ***** And Finally – Dickinson topped Franklin & Marshall 28-14. There’s no earthly reason why you should care. Except, in the words of Kent “Flounder” Dorfman, “I hear Dickinson girls put out.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, VOLUME 36
McMurray University, a school that doesn’t generate the merchandising dough of a Florida State, recently had its appeal to keep its Indian mascot denied by the NCAA. So the school has decided to forego a nickname altogether. President John Russell explained, “Going for a mascot with four legs and fur just didn’t fit who we are.” The MMQB says, attaboy McMurray! It’s about time someone decided to tell the dandruff gang in KC to stick their hypocritical brand of political correctness right up their collective wah-zoos. And for the school’s timely display of much-needed backbone, McMurray is now officially the MMQB’s favorite 3-5 team in all the land. Let’s hear it now, “Go, (Fill In The Blank), Go!”

MMQB HIGH SCHOOL SPOTLIGHT
Hughes (Ark.) High’s Kendrick Smith scored ten touchdowns in his team’s 73-72 loss to East Poinsett County High. Can you imagine scoring ten TD’s and still coming out on the losing end of the deal? Talk about failing to close the deal: It’s kind of like crawling into bed with a naked Angelina Jolie and experiencing some untimely ED issues. (But it’s not a big deal; it happens to everyone…at least that’s what they say on TV). Anyway, I for one think it serves the little sh*t right. Don’t know about you, but the MMQB is sick and effin’ tired of reading about punks scoring more touchdowns in one game than the entire 1976 Kellogg High School juggernaut scored over the course of an entire season. But that might just be me…

In the words of Paul Simon,
“I have no opinion about this
And I have no opinion about that
Sad as a lonely little wrinkled balloon…”

Sorry Paul, you’re only half right –
McTavish O’Fishlivet