Monday Morning Quarterback

Hey, did anyone hear if there were any college football games played this weekend? Oh yeah, baby …

MORAL AND ATHLETIC SUPERIORITY FIRMLY ESTABLISHED

The mighty visitors from U-Pay-Us raced to a 27-6 lead before toying with the overmatched children of Willamette and leaving the Gaspumper State with a well-earned 34-26 victory. The Bare Pussies made the final tally appear more respectable than it really was on the strength of two late TD catches by Scott Schoettgen. Log coach Phil Willenbrock was happy about the performance of his vaunted student athletes (VSAs), though he noted that his charges seemed to have some problems adapted to the opponents’ Schoettgen formation.

That is all.

Thank you very much for playing our game. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

McTavish O’ … sh*t. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Much as I’d like to. In that regard, this weekend’s disasters were much like MMQB’s entire high school dating career. Or his football career. Or, for that matter, his basketball career. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

AFTER TROJAN MALFUNCTION, DAWGS FAIL TO LICK BEAVER

Heading into this week’s tilt at the Most Beautiful Stadium in America, Dawgfans were wondering if the 4-2 BP&G had truly turned the corner. We found the answer to be a resounding yes. Unfortunately, the BP&G that many believed to be driving down Positive Momentum Boulevard took a left turn directly onto Desperation Avenue, where they were immediately and summarily run over by a bus full of OSU Barkrats. The pooches were thoroughly dominated on both sides of the line of scrimmage. Mutt QB’s were sacked six times after giving up only five sacks in the previous six games. Yvenson “and Hedges” racked up 144 yard rushing and every time QB Matt “Less Is” Moore dropped back to pass he enjoyed enough time to invite a few of the Barkrat dance girls into his “pocket” if you know what I mean and I think that you do, before riddling the befuddled Dawg secondary for 308 yards through the air. Even the Barkrats’ little wetback kicker Alexis Serna was again infallible, running his career record to 13-for-13 in three games at Husky Stadium. Yeah, gonna miss that little f*cker. If it weren’t for a couple of Barkrat turnovers, this thing would have been 40 -3. Yeah, it was that bad. Riddle me this, Batman, how can a team play the supposed #2 team in the land to a virtual standstill, and then get the holy living sh*t kicked out of them by a team whose only victories had come over Idaho and Eastern Washington? I’ll tell you how: spend too much time reading your own press clippings about how you’re back, expect your opponents to go down like all the Pi Phi’s on campus, and come out with all the emotion and urgency of a convention of econometricians. Sprinkle in some uninspired play calling and bake in a 350-degree oven for three hours and see what you get: a great big steaming crapcake, that’s what. And to add serious injury to insult, it looks like Isaiah “The Predator” Stanback is going to be out of action for a long, long, long, long time. It’s never a good sign when your body is pointing to the end zone and your foot is pointing to the sideline. As a result, this once-promising, nay potentially magical, season looks like it will now be reduced to at best another baby step closer to the seemingly unattainable goal of quasi-respectability. I swear to God, if you’re going to root for the BP&G, you’ve got to be willing to absorb more than your share of shots to the cranium. “Cut me, Mick…”

SLUG EATERS SLUG RUINS

OK, so the Ladies of the Knight nipped the Bruins by ten. BFD – apparently anybody can do that. And when the Dawgs did it, they weren’t playing against some scrub QB either. (As an aside, I’m just wondering if the Quackers have ever played a season where at least four of their opponents weren’t without their top signal-callers. Didn’t think so.) Anyway, I don’t mean to sound petulant (OK, maybe just a little…), so I will give the AFLACs their due. They’ve come up with a highly effective formula. The empirical data conclusively prove that it damned hard to prance into the Concrete Bunker and win a football game when half your squad is puking its guts out on the sideline, the other half is busy poking out their eyeballs with ice picks, and the entire team is feverishly praying to the souls of Vince Lombardi, George Halas and Bronco Nagurski for a little salvation from the horrors of Tinker Hatfield haute couture. Did I miss the press release making silver one of the University of Zero’s official colors? Perhaps it was hidden as the final paragraph of some pabulum spewing forth from “Bullwinkle” Moos’ ever-present propaganda machine. Or perhaps it was buried in the long-awaiting admission of culpability in the infamous Rentgate ticket laundering scandal? Or could it be a little-known codicil in Mikey Bawlalotti’s divorce decree? After all, the wife usually gets the silver, but things can be a little different down Anarchy Central way. Ahem, cheap shot. But it felt good. Now where was I? Oh yeah, has anyone noticed that Bawlalotti teams are only as good as their offensive coordinator? Now that he and Phil have reeled in a decent one, the Fowls look qpuerahf;wef;/lnjakfdja (Oh God, my fingers just have a hard time typing this): pretty f*ckin’ good. Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart is as hot as a popcorn fart and the rest of the offense is similarly fart-like. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And with The Predator sidelined, the Dawgs’ chances in November look slimmer than Calista Flockhart on the Jenny Craig plan. Sigh.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

The U$C Condoms hadn’t lost a home game since before Brittney Spears turned her vagina into one of those clown cars that little people just keep spilling out of. The ASU Stun Devils were stumbling into the City of Angels like Achmed on a Jack Daniel bender. Let’s face it; the outcome of this game was as predictable as Scarlett Johannsen being named the Sexiest Woman Alive. And sure enough, the Toejams got the victory, though they remain less-than-impressive, thanks in no small part by John David Booty Call’s endearing habit of throwing the ol’ pigskin to the other team. Apparently, the Stun Devils were moved by coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter’s pre-game speech in which he quoted Donald Sutherland’s “Animal House” character: “I’m not kidding here. This is my job!” Meanwhile, the team voted most likely to toss the Spoiled Children to the side of the road, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. held the Fighting Boogers of the Palouse without a touchdown for first time since their 51-3 shellacking in the 2000 Apple Cup. (C’mon everybody join in, “Those were the days, my friends…”) The Boogs were especially inept in the Red-Faced Zone where they continued to maintain their tradition of, in the infamous words of former QB Jason Gesser, killing themselves in the foot. Meanwhile, on the offensive end, the Tedheads’ big bad O-line completely neutralized Wazzu D-end “Count of” Mkistro Bruce and his mates, plowing the way for “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch to shred the boys in Crimson and Grey for 152 yards on the way to a 21-3 victory. Finally, in the case of the resistible force meeting the movable object, the Arizona Mildcats prevailed 20-7 over Stunnedford. It’s enough to put Tree alums off their organic greens, creamy Brie and oaky Chardonnays.

A FEW NOT-SO-QUICK HITTERS

Owls Remain Endangered Species – Clemson scored on its first nine possessions and ran up 559 yards of offense in handing The Temple of Doom its 19th straight loss, 63-9. Cosby’s alma mater have had the Jell-o puddin’ knocked out of them to the tune of 308-50 in seven games this season. Remember, there are parts of your body you do not touch on television… ***** Miami Vice – There was definitely some hard-hitting action in Miami’s shutout of Florida International. Unfortunately, it was during an uncontrolled melee in which players were kicking each other, hitting opponents with their helmets and – get this – swinging their crutches as weapons. Thirty-some suspensions and counting, and it seems to this learned observer that UM President Donna Shanana is about to declare “No Coker, Pepsi.” ***** Just Like Old Times – LSU’s Bayou Bengals kicked the ever-living Cajun sh*t right out of the Kentucky Mildcats, 49-0. After the game, Mildcat (and former U-Ho) head coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks said, “It’s the damnedest thing; I’ve never had much luck against teams in purple and gold.” ***** Go Extra-Small Green – The Rumpled Publisher’s OTHER alma mater squared off against Holy Cross and came up a little short, 24-21 in OT, pushing their season record to 0-5. At least they’re consistent. ***** It’s a Game of Inches – It’s clear that Pat Hill’s team just hasn’t been the same since Ceasar Rayford blocked that PAT Never has that been more obvious than when Hawaii’s Rainbow Warriors hula’d the ass off Fresno State 68-37. Maybe the Bullpups should test drive a new motto: “We Will Lose To: Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime!”

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEC

OK, the MMQB is sick and effin’ tired of being a Pathetic Ten apologist. Touchdown Tommy Hansen and his Demented Minions are simply indefensible. If it’s not a TV package that rivals those of some junior high schools, it’s an incomprehensible scheduling system that gives the Ladies of the Knight 147 straight games of home cookin’. If they’re not too busy turning a blind eye to the Spoiled Children’s six-figure booster bonus program, they’re looking the other way when their referees are thrusting their grubby mitts into Uncle Phil’s bag o’ cash. Is this any way to run an effin’ railroad? And let’s face it, when the conference offers such impressive venues as the Bean Dip Bowl and Rowan and Martin Stadium, the Pathetic Ten is a little like a pair of brown shoes in a tuxedo world. Yeah, size isn’t everything (a conclusion for which Browns KR is eternally grateful), but compare the relatively modest and sedate crowds of the Pathetic Ten to the intensity one sees in an SEC venue on game day (or especially game night when 80,000 or 100,000 true believers have the whole day to ingest their fill of liquid inspiration.) True, when you live in Opalika, Alabama, you’ll look for your excitement wherever you can find it. But week in and week out, the SEC still produces some of the most riveting action since “Nasty Nurses, Vol. 14: Doctor Do Me A-Little.” Case in point, this weekend. Vanderbilt kicked a 33-yard FG as time expired to upset heavily favored Georgia. It was the first Commodore victory over a ranked opponent in – get this — fifty years! Fifty, as in five-oh. As in, not in the MMQB’s lifetime. (I realize that the same can’t be said for some long-time readers. “Oh well, a touch of grey kind of suits you anyway…”) Speaking of last-second FGs, the Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers nipped Ol’ Miss 36-33 in OT. It was the second year in a row that the Boys from ‘Bama beat the Rebs on the last play of the game. The Sooey Pigs of Arkansas followed up last week’s unexpected thumping of Auburn with an impressive 63-7 victory over SE Missouri State. A Hog highlight was picking off three passes, or exactly three times as many turnovers as they’d forced in their first five games combined. And if you didn’t watch Auburn’s 27-17 victory over Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Florida loafers-in-training, well then you haven’t seen Shakespeare performed the way it was meant to be.

A BAD DAY FOR HUSKIES ALL AROUND

For the first time since Napoleon “the Great” Kauffman was shredding defenses at venerable Husky Stadium, a Husky back was making a run for the Heisman. OK, so it was a Northern Illinois Husky, but still. Heading into Saturday, 5′7″ Garrett Wolfe has already racked up 1300 yards and was on track to break Barry Sanders’ all-time NCAA Division I rushing record. Before you dismiss Mr. Wolfe’s accomplishments as coming against LSOP (Little Sisters Of The Poor) competition, take a look at what he did to THE #1 team in THE land, THE Ohio State University: 171 yards rushing and another 130 or so receiving. Everything was looking great. Until Saturday. 18 carries for 25 yards against Western Michigan. Never mind.

MMQB HIGH SCHOOL SPOTLIGHT – IS PLAYER THE REAL McCOY?

In his first two games this season, Matewan, WV prepster Paul McCoy racked up 843 yards rushing and 10 touchdowns. Not bad. But Paul was just getting warmed up. In a 64-0 win over Burch, he rolled up 658 yards and 10 TDs. Could we be seeing the emergence of the next Garrett Wolfe?

Take it away, Boss:

“You end up like a dog that’s been beat too much

Till you spend half your life just covering up.”

McTavish O’Fishlivet