Monday Morning Quarterback

It’s the heart of the season, baby. So rather than bore loyal readers with the joys of watching A-Rod go 1-14 in the post season, or even regale you with a recitation of the lovely and heart-felt gifts presented to the aging former sportscaster to commemorate the 60th anniversary of his birth, I’ll just jump right into it.

TICK-TOCK — MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH
Let’s face it; the referees in the Pathetic Ten are not having their best season. Unless, of course, you’re Filler-up Knight, hiding behind your Oakleys, counting your billions, and maniacally laughing as you pull the strings to steal a game for your favorite team and cost your most hated rival a chance to pull off a monumental upset against the Spoiled Children. Then the refs are doing exactly what you pay … er, I mean, want them to do. Could it be that this was the same crew that worked the infamous Sooner Screwer in the Concrete Bunker? Or maybe they just imported the clock operator from Anarchy Central. Nah, that would have been too obvious for even the Sunglassed One. But with the Pooches a mere 15 yards from Ultimate Paydirt, the zebras apparently decided it would be a good time to change the way they’d marked the ball ready for play all game long, thus denying the Dawgs their dance with destiny. What, you think with two seconds left, they’re trying to call an audible? This damnably disappointing conclusion notwithstanding, this was a damned impressive outing for the Pooches. The Condoms know – I swear to God in their heart of hearts, they effin’ kay-en-oh-dub-you know that they got away with one. Sure, the BP&G failed to fully capitalize on a couple opportunities deep in the red zone. And the Mutt special teams had a few hiccups that made them look like special as in riding the short bus to school special. Fix those blips and this thing doesn’t come down to the timekeeper’s trigger finger. Still, this was a tough, smash-mouth, snot-bubbling, hit-‘em-so-hard-their-sisters-hurt battle. The Mutts never backed down, out-rushing the Condoms and holding the line defensively when needed. And at the end, they looked to have more petrol in the gas tank coming down the stretch. OK, so there’s still a talent deficit against many teams in the conference, and certainly against the Toe-jams, but everyone who believes in goodness and right (which means anyone this side of the Beaverton berm or the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record) has got to like the way this undermanned and gutty little band of pooches kept battling against a mighty adversary. Theirs not to reason why… These boys are just a bunch of big-hearted, lunch-pail Mutts who are slowly gaining confidence in themsleves. Seeing decent football from the BP&G is such a nice change of pace that it warms the MMQB’s heart and yes I do have one. And maybe, just maybe, some Saturday this season this gutty little band is going to sneak up and win a conference game they really weren’t supposed to. May the MMQB humbly suggest November 4th as a worthy candidate?

AFLACS GET THE RASPBERRY IN STRAWBERRY CANYON
Other than the fact that Cal took the field in uniforms almost as ungodly garish as those donned by the invading University of Zero, it was a study in contrasts in Tie-Dye-Ville Saturday evening. The boys in the ugly yeller jerseys were flat-out faster, flat-out stronger, and flat-out tougher in administering the butt-whuppin’ the boys in the uglier white jerseys so richly deserved. The Tedheads were physically dominant in the trenches, plowing the way for a scrub running back to squirt through the Quacker defense like … well … sh*t through a Duck, if you’ll excuse the phrase. Justin “Time” Forsett ran for 163 yards filling in for the injured “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch. In contrast, AFLAC mainstay Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was held to just 25 yards on 18 carries. Another noteworthy contrast could be seen in the behavior of the two coaches. Head Slug-eater Mikey Bawlalotti routinely looks for ways to roll up the score against vanquished foes. Last week, for instance, he had his QB throwing passes against the ASU Stun Devils late in the fourth quarter despite enjoying a four-touchdown lead. Later, he went for a FG in the waning moments, defending his action by saying, and I swear to God that I’m not making this up: “At that point, we didn’t need points; that’s why I went for the field goal.” In contrast, Papa Bear Jeff Tedford pulled in the reins when his charges had the game well in hand. Despite this merciful treatment, Bawlalotti was inconsolable after the game. “I’m very disappointed in our effort,” he said. “I told the team we just had to keep it close enough for the refs to pull it out for us in the end. But we just didn’t get it done.”

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
In a battle of agricultural powers, the visiting Legumes of Wazzu defeated the Barkrats of OSU, 13-6. Saying these teams struggled offensively is like saying Rosanne Barr had a little problem hitting the high notes in “The Star Spangled Banner.” Or the Star-Mangled Spanner, if you prefer. Anyway, the Barkrats invade the Most Beautiful Stadium in America next Saturday and we can all hope they continue to suck the tailpipe offensively for at least one more week. Speaking of which, the ‘Zona Mildcats continue to struggle in Mike “Pop A Vein In My Neck” Stoops’ sophomore season, falling 27-7 to the Ruins of (f)UCLA. The Mildcats were held to -13 yards rushing, marking the third straight game in which they have failed to get into positive rushing yardage. Oh yeah, and then there were the Rudies putting a serious hurt on Stunnedford, 31-10. Yawn. After the game, Stunnedford Coach Walt Harris said his team needs to improve, especially on offense, defense and special teams. Meanwhile, Head Bead-rubber Charlie Weis was heard to say, “Hey, are you going to eat your coleslaw?” Ho-hum … at this point, it’s hard to see what game one would expect the Trees to win this season. One supposes that if they work on their rushing defense, maybe they could compete with Arizona.

LOGS LOOK PAST LINFIELD IN PREP FOR BEARCAT BRAWL
The vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us battled mighty Linfield for a half, before finally falling just a little short, 42-17. It remains to be seen whether the VSA’s can recover from the demoralizing collapse against the dreaded Lutes last week and play to their vast potential against the boys carrying the legacy – or is that the burden? — of the Cutthroat Swoosh Attorney, the Mad Scientist, and Achmed bin Gallooshes.

QUICK HITTERS
You Can’t Lose Them All – In contrast to their brethren mired in the morass of Baghdad, Army’s Cadets destroyed VMI 62-7. It was the most points scored by the Cadets since a 1958 win over Colgate. Donald “Rummie” Rumsfeld declared the victory evidence that the Bush administration’s policies are beginning to work. ***** Buff and Bare – The naked truth is that Colorado lost its tenth straight, this one 34-31 in triple OT to Baylor. Getting closer, boys, getting closer … ***** Putting the UG Back in UGA – Tennessee came from behind to thump Georgia 51-33. Georgia entered the game having allowed only 34 points all season, and the Vols exceeded that total in the second half alone. Sometimes you’re the big dog, and sometimes you’re the hydrant. ***** What’s A Couple Decades Among Friends? – Kent State got its first road win against a I-A opponent since 1988. So that was exciting. But then again, it was against Temple. Does that even count? ***** Gators Swamp Bayou Bengals – Florida defeated LSU 23-10 behind two TD passes and one TD run by back-up QB Tim Tebow. Asked after the game whether he’d consider switching QBs, Florida coach Urban “Legend” Meyer said, “I think I’ll take Leak.” He was subsequently fined by the FCC. ***** You Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Penn State defeated Minnesota 28-27 in OT when Gopher kicker Jason Giannini doinked a PAT off the upright. Like everyone says, you can’t spell PAT without (Jo) PA. Okay, so no one says that, but they could. ***** Fun While It Lasted – Ron Zook and the Fighting Navel Oranges of Illinois saw their Big Ten Plus One win streak come to an end as the Indian Hoosier Daddies nipped them 34-32 on a last-second field goal. But, hey, that was still one in a row. ***** Cat Scratch Fever! – After defeating Texas Tech 38-21, Mizzou’s Tiggers are undefeated, 6-0 for the first time in 33 seasons. Gary Pinkel, why do you ask?

And, in closing, remember these words to live by: No weekend is a total loss if the Ladies of the Knight get their fannies well and truly spanked.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet