Monday Morning Quarterback

In every football season, there are clear and unquestionable gut-check moments.  Times that separate the contenders from the pretenders.  Times for men to be men.  This weekend was one of those times.  When Mrs. MMQB announced that her high school class reunion would be held Saturday night, it was time for your most humble narrator to send a strong message about who is in charge in the QB family.  It was time to show that nothing was going to get in the way of the MMQB’s enjoyment of his suddenly and surprisingly resurgent Beloved Purple and Gold.  Yup, that’s what time it was, alright.  So, anyway, that’s why I didn’t get to hear much of the Dawg-Cat tussle, but I was able to sneak out a couple times to check the score throughout the evening.  With her permission, of course…

POOCHES SOLIDIFY POSITION AS AN OTHER RECEIVING VOTES

What was the most impressive stat in the BP&G’s 21-10 dismantling of Mike Stoops and the Mildcats?  It could have been punter Sean Douglas continuing his history run to the Heisman, with 8 kicks for a 42.8 yard average, including twice pinning ‘Zona on their own one pubic hair line.  It could have been QB Isaiah “The Predator” Stanback wracking up 340 yards of total offense (which coincidentally enough is also the total offense Corey Paus generated in his career).  But seriously folks, bah-dum-dum … the good guys haven’t been this dependent on a single player since Marquis Tui-asasapopopopopopopoasapo was roaming the plasti-grass of the Most Beautiful Stadium in America.  But for the MMQB’s money, the best news was the way the Dawgs of Defense pressured QB Willie Tuitama, sacking him six times and holding the Mildcats to -7 yards rushing.  We haven’t seen the Pooches dominate a Mildcat QB like that since Steve Emtman and Co. b*tch-slapped George Malabooboo.  Gawd only knows how long this unexpected little run will last, but let’s face it, it’s a helluva lot more fun to be 4-1 when all the so-called experts picked the Mutts to struggle to win two games.  Guess, we’re just – in the words of “Major League” manager Lou Brown – giving them all a great big sh*tburger to eat…

DUCKS STUN DEVILS; KNIGHT ANNOUNCES MAJOR GIFT TO ASU

OK, so the best team money can buy went down to the Land of the Tortilla Tossers and put a pretty good spanking on the ASU Stunned Devils.  The AFLAC offense was led by Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart, who rushed for 142 yards on just 12 carries.  They’ll be a little something extra in his pay envelope, no doubt.  In contrast, the Stun Devils continued their trend of offensive ineptness, tallying only 175 yards and exactly no touchdowns, their only TD coming on a kick return.  QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter went an unimpressive 6-19 for an equally unimpressive 33 yards and one interception.  Stats like that have to make coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter feel really good about picking the sophomore over senior Sam Keller.  Buoyed by such exceptional decision-making, Koetter is now 2-18 against ranked opponents.  ASU’s recent history is even worse:  ASU continues to plummet, having been outscored by an average of 32 points per game since being ranked #22 in the nation.   Koetter was on point when he said, “We owe our fans an apology.  We should pay them for making them sit through that.”  OK, so even the MMQB will begrudgingly give the Quackers credit for their impressive 48-13 victory.  But I draw the line at the most recent line of bullsh*t being fed to the mainstream media by U-Ho coach Mikey Bawlalotti.  Mikey claims that the victory validates his team’s victory over the Boomer Sooners.  Ahem, well Mikey, the MMQB hates to be the one to break it to you, but the two don’t have a f*cking thing to do with one another.  After all, in 1990 when Colorado beat Iowa State 28-12 one week after the infamous “fifth down” game against Missouri, did it change the fact that the Buffs got an indefensible gift?  I don’t think so, Tim.  So, Mikey, let me introduce you to a little thing we like to call the truth:  you could go undefeated, pitching seven straight shut-outs and none of that would change the fact that a game you didn’t deserve was stolen from your worthy opponents, and given – complete with Mallard gift wrap and Dark Spruce ribbon – to your team.  A gift pure and simple and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.  So just help yourself to a steaming cup of shut-the-f*ck-up, and sleep well tonight, you cheating putz. 

CONDOMS INVADE PUSSY TERRITORY, LEAVE SATISFIED

Several hours before kick-off, nine Toejam players wandered out to midfield to take in the beautiful vistas and vast reaches of 35,000 seat Martin Stadium.  Apparently, a handful of Wazzu players took the move as a grandstanding gesture and a serious tussle was narrowly avoided.  Reportedly leading the Boog charge was punter Darryl Blunt “Instrument.”  Uh, Darryl, let your friend the MMQB give you a little valuable advice:  If you’re an effin’ punter for Chrissakes, you do not REPEAT NOT square off against defensive lineman.  Period.  Jesus Horatio Christ-on-a-stick, even Moo U has to be more than a little bit embarrassed about letting someone that stupid into school.  In contrast, once the game began, coach Yaba Doba Doo and his charges had little to be embarrassed about.  Sure, they gave up a 99 yard TD drive and let Condom QB John David Booty call Steve Smith’s number 11 times for 186 yards and two TDs.  But the gutty little Puddytats hung in there, pulling to within six points at 28-22 on a Dwight Tardy TD with under five minutes to play.  Alas it was too little, too late … Tardy, late, get it?  Sometimes I just slay myself.  But not often.  Anyway, the Boogs can now look forward to October, a month in which they haven’t won a game since 2003.  And all Dawgfans live with an intense fear that next week will be the one in which the Condoms finally play to their full potential.  That happens, and we’re screwed.  So to speak …

ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN BROADCASTING

Former QB Mark Rypien teamed with “Homer Bob” Robertson on the broadcast as Jim Walden was attending his … and I’m not making this up … high school reunion.  The MMQB knows how you feel, Jimmy.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC  

The (f)UCLA Ruins recovered from their stunning loss to the Montlake Mutts by blanking Stunnedford 31-zip.  Stunnedford’s season continued to swirl down the sh*tter like one of the former broadcaster’s sausage gravy and biscuit breakfasts, The Trees could be the worst team the Pathetic Ten has seen since … well, since the 2004 Pooches, I suppose.  Meanwhile in Cornvalley, the Fighting Tedfords laid the wood to the Barkrats 41-13.  The good news for the Orange and Black was that kicker Alexis Serna nailed a record-tying 58-yard FG.  The bad news was that his team was down 31-zip at the time.  Which raises the obvious question:  what the (vile and offensive expletive deleted) are you doing trying a 58 yarder to pull to within four touchdowns?  Oh well, let’s hope that the Boys from Strawberry Canyon are just getting revved up for neck weekend’s visit from the Ladies of the Knight.

YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN

It was Homecoming weekend.  The Logs entered the game 3-0.  It was the MMQB’s 25^th reunion.  For all those reasons, your humble narrator should have had his ample posterior plunked down on the aging bleachers of Baker Stadium to watch the vaunted student athletes (VSAs) of U-Pay-Us take on the dreaded PLUtes.  And the VSA’s got off to a great start, running up a 21-0 lead on the winless punks from Parkland.  Perhaps the MMQB end up kicking himself for missing a decisive shellacking of this most despised rival.  But alas, the self-administered butt kicking was not to be.  Our VSAs could not sustain their momentum, and the Lutes rallied for a 32-28 victory.  Is it any wonder your humble narrator seldom finds himself roaming among the ivy-covered Gothic architecture of the Northwest’s pre-eminent liberal arts institution of higher learning?  Speaking of losing to one’s rival, Linfield 42 – Willamette 14.  That is all.

QUICK HITTERS

Generation Gap – In a matchup of the oldest and youngest D-1 coaches, 79-year-old Jo Pa and his Nittany Lions upended 31-year-old Pat Fitzgerald and Northwestern 33-7.  When I was your age, sonny, we still wore leather helmets… **** Moral Victory – Sure, the Temple of Doom lost to Vandy, 43-14.  But at least they scored.  And these days a moral victory is about the best the Owls can hope for.  ***** Taking No Prisoners – Texas rammed a long horn right up the backside of outmanned 1AA Sam Houston State 56-3.  Remember the Alamo!  ***** Toasted Buns – Miami Coach Larry Coker certainly didn’t cool his hot seat with his team’s sloppy play in their 14-13 victory over Houston.  Cane fans would like to give the world a Coker … anything to get him off their sideline.  ***** Wreck Rambles – Georgia Tech stung Virginia Tech 38-27.  It was a big victory, Tech-nically speaking. ***** Oh, My Aching Head — Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers spanked the Indiana Hoosier Daddies, 52-17.  And UI coach Terry Hoeppner thought brain surgery gave him a headache… ***** Enough to Make Ralphie Ralph – The Dan Hawkins Era continued its rumbling, stumbling and most of all bumbling start, with Missouri thumping Colorado, 28-13.  Colorado has lost nine straight, stretching back 11 months and no amount of Coach Zenmaster’s aromatherapy can change that sad fact.  ***** Working Overtime in Lincoln – The Nebraska Cornholers gave up a 17-point lead before rallying to defeat Kansas 39-32 in overtime.  Jayhawk coach Mike Mangino once again saw his team fall by the slimmest of margins — which is the only time you’ll see “Mangino” and “slim” collide in the same sentence.  ***** Got a Website For You, Coach –fireronzook.com may no longer be the most popular website in the Big Ten (11), after the 26-point underdog Illini upset Michigan State 23-20.  In East Lansing.  Spartan coach John “What The” L. Smith is going to be rebooting his career any day now…

GREAT MOMENTS IN FASHION

The Palouse Pussies stormed the field in special throwback jerseys designed by Russell Athletic (sorry, Browns) to fit so tightly that they’re tough for opponents to grab, increase body cooling, and reduce odors.  Hello?  You’re in effin’ Pull-my-finger-man.  There’s nothing short of a complete cattle eradication program that will get rid of the odor that’s wafting over those particular plains.   And while we’re at it, can’t we just sh*t-can this whole vintage uniform craze?  They looked stupid on the Boogs.  They looked stupid on the Florida Gators.  They look stupid on everyone.  Oops, check that.  Vintage uniforms would be a major improvement for the AFLACs.

Stylistically yours,

McTavish O’Fishlivet