Monday Morning Quarterback

OK, in terms of getting the MMQB out in a timely manner, I’ve been doing one helluva fine job this season if I do say so myself. But this weekend was simply not conducive to maintaining the demanding production schedule. First, there was not insignificant matter of licking one’s psychic wounds following the BP&G’s near miss in Strawberry Canyon Saturday. Then there were Sunday’s sunny skies which suggested, nay demanded, that your humble narrator drag his sorry carcass out to the golf course. So this edition is going to end up a MAQB. So sue me. I’m not talking to you, Browns – I know that after years as Uncle Phil’s head hatchet man, you need no encouragement.

AL MICHAELS SHOULD HAVE HIS ASS WELL AND TRULY KICKED
“Do you believe in miracles?” Well, for one brief, shining moment as Marlen Wood caught that miracle heave, the MMQB’s heart overruled his brain, and I was busy shouting, “I believe” like a Pentecostal snake charmer. Alas, reality soon set in as the Fighting Tedfords dispatched the gutty visitors from Montlake in the extra stanza. I know that Tyrone the Sphinx doesn’t believe in moral victories, but the MMQB is just a Dawg devotee who nonetheless can take a certain pleasure from the fact that the undermanned pooches never backed down from a team that physically bitch-slapped the Quackers the week before. More good news was that back-up QB Carl Bonnell, pressed into service in relief of the injured Predator, racked up 348 yards of total offense and only threw nine incompletions out of 31 passes. The bad news is that guys wearing navy and gold caught five of those passes, including the game clincher by Desmond Bishop in OT. Bishop was only able to complete the half-Wheaton, thanks to the hustle of one Big Johnny Kirton, whose never-say-die effort was emblematic of the way our beloved pooches battled all day long. Of course, the MMQB would not be fulfilling his sacred duty if he failed to mention that as Bishop headed down field, not a single Cal player chose to pull a Rich Ruhle (or however you spell that classless f*cker’s name) on Bonnell’s ass. Bottom line: one way to look at it was another afternoon of plucky play, another ever-so-close loss to a superior team, and hopefully another sign that the Northwest’s pre-eminent athletic program (OK, I threw that one in for you of the feathered persuasion) is headed back in the right direction. Of course, the other way to look at it is that it was the cruelest tease since Achmed coaxed that cheerleader into the back seat lo those many years ago.

BOOGS PLUCK THE DUCKS
On the strength of two touchdowns in a 26-second span, the Mighty Pussies of the Palouse raced to a 27-3 lead, and held on for a 34-23 victory over the Fowl invaders from Anarchy Central. Short of a tragic explosion at the Cougar Gold cheese factory wiping out both teams, this was about the best outcome any sane and moral observer could hope for. Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was held to 28 yards rushing as the AFLAC offense consistently bogged down whenever it approached pay dirt. Apparently, the shock of actually playing a road game without having their hand-picked officiating crew in tow was too much for the Ladies of the Knight to overcome. After the game, AFLAC head apologist Mikey Bawlalotti struggled for answers. “Clearly this week’s uniform combo failed to perform up to our expectations,” he said. “Fortunately, we have 14,723 other combos to choose from.”

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Uh, never mind. Anyone else remember that the Pathetic 10 conference promise to address its officiating problems, most notably the non-lubed butt f*ckin’ given the Boomer Sooners at the Concrete Bunker, at the next meeting of its athletic directors? Well, in case you missed it, that meeting took place last week. Wanna venture a guess at the outcome of the ADs’ discussion? Yep, you’ve got it. They decided to gather additional information and possibly — POSSIBLY! – tackle the issue in the off-season. What else do you expect, given the inspiring and decisive leadership of one Touchdown Tommy Hansen? If you think anything more than a summary rug-sweeping will ever happen as a result of this season’s officiating debacles, then you’re probably naïve enough to think that the Spoiled Children will get more than a perfunctory slap on the wrist for the Reggie Bush improper benefits scandal. What, you mean every college student doesn’t drive a $70,000 SUV with solid gold hardware and a 36” plasma screen? I would have never guessed! Shocked, I’m shocked, I tell you! Speaking of the Condoms, they had the week off. Reports are their players spent the free time shopping for beachfront condos and setting up 401(k) plans for investing their booster payments. Hey, it’s never too early to learn fiscal responsibility, men. Meanwhile on the field, Notre Dame continues sh*tting four-leaf clovers as the Rudies scored on a 45-yard touchdown pass with 27 seconds remaining to steal a 20-17 victory from the (f)UCLA Ruins. An investigation is underway to determine the religious affiliations of the multiple Ruin players who whiffed tackles on the play. Nonetheless, the critical observer is left with the nagging feeling that the Beadrubbers would be nothing more than a solid 7-8 win team if they had to play in any major conference year in and year out, Fat Charlie’s “genius” notwithstanding. In the Stun Bowl, the ASU Stun Devils hammed Stunnedford 38-3. Got a struggling team? Take two Stunnefords and call me in the morning. The Tree has become a hauntingly appropriate mascot for the unmoving Stunnedford offense, which this week piled up an impressive 145 yards and three points. If it weren’t for Duke and Temple, the Palo Alto Posse might be the worst 1A team in the land. And as if anyone cared, the Barkrats, still basking in the glory of last week’s impressive upset of the BP&G, held off the ‘Zona Mildcats 17-10. The Mildcat cause was not helped by playing with their third-string QB, the much-maligned Kris Heavner. Going into a Pathetic 10 game with Heavner as your quarterback is kind of like the former broadcaster teeing it up against Michelle Wie, armed only with his trusty new Johnny Palmers.

BAKER STADIUM BULLIES POUND PIONEERS
The vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us ran their season record to an impressive 5-2 by destroying Lewis and Clark 70-14 before a near-capacity crowd of 829 rabid fans. Displaying their well-earned reputation for sportsmanship, the victorious Logs played four QBs in the win. Meanwhile, 1-5 Willamette managed to avoid yet another embarrassing loss by strategically scheduling B-Y-E for this past weekend.

QUICK (AND NOT-SO-QUICK) HITTERS
On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin – Wisconsin dominated Big Ten* rival Purdon’t 24-3. The We-Don’t-Need-No-Stinkin’-Badgers survived the absence of their marching band, which has been suspended for alleged off-field incidents including hazing and lewd behavior on a bus trip. “This one time, at band camp…” ***** Hurricanes Duke It Out – One week after its reprehensible mid-game brawl against Florida International, “The U” took on the Blue Devils without 16 suspended players. Let’s face it; suspending players against Duke has all the practical implications of suspending one Leonard Sorrin, Esq. from dating Scarlett Johansson. In other words, it just doesn’t matter; Miami could take a well-organized intramural team into Durham and still come out on top – which is pretty much what they did. Nevertheless, it was a little too close for comfort, as the ‘Canes needed a game-saving interception at the goal line as time expired. I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the suspended players will be back on the field for next week’s game against Georgia Tech. ***** Fun While It Lasted – The Ol’ Ball Coach and his Gamecock crew thumped Vandy 31-13. So much for the Commodes’ one-game SEC winning streak. ***** Black Is The New Magenta – Boston College upended Bobby Bowden’s boys, 24-19, despite the Semenholes’ decision to steal a page from the University of Zero playbook and take the field in uniforms only vaguely reminiscent of the school’s official colors. Unfortunately, even black duds can’t change the fact that Bobby’s boy Jeff is a crappy offensive coordinator. It’s convenient that black is also the color of funerals, because things are getting a little tense down in Tallahassee. ***** Man Puts Head in Lion’s Mouth – JoPa and the Nittany Lions dispatched Illinois, 26-12. In the aftermath, former Florida and current Illinois head man Ron Zook was seen sadly shaking his head and muttering, “I was somebody. I coulda been a contender!” ***** One Kicker Walks On; The Other is Run Off – Texas turned to its back-up kicker, walk-on Ryan Bailey, to boot the game-winner as time expired in their 22-20 victory over the Nebraska Cornholers. Regular kicker Greg Johnson, who had already missed two FGs and had a PAT blocked, mysteriously developed leg cramps during the Donghorns’ final drive. *****Yogi Was Right! — Michigan State’s Sputterings rallied from 35 down in the third quarter to topple Northworstern 41-38. It remains to be seen whether the biggest rally in 1A history is enough to save the job of MSU coach John “What The” L. Smith. ***** Off the Scheid – Dartmouth got its first win of the year, rolling mighty Columbia 20-7. Speaking of “Big Green,” alumni contributions are expected to rise exponentially in the wake of the season’s maiden victory – just in case any Dartmouth alums happen to be reading this. ***** A Miner Setback – Houston tripped up UTEP 34 -17. UTEP head coach Mike “Name Your” Price was last seen entering the Landing Strip club near Houston Int’l. ***** Speaking of Hooters… — The Temple of Doom fell to Northern Illinois 43-21. The Owls may be the only team in the country solidly in favor of new rules that shorten the game. ***** And Finally – Dickinson topped Franklin & Marshall 28-14. There’s no earthly reason why you should care. Except, in the words of Kent “Flounder” Dorfman, “I hear Dickinson girls put out.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, VOLUME 36
McMurray University, a school that doesn’t generate the merchandising dough of a Florida State, recently had its appeal to keep its Indian mascot denied by the NCAA. So the school has decided to forego a nickname altogether. President John Russell explained, “Going for a mascot with four legs and fur just didn’t fit who we are.” The MMQB says, attaboy McMurray! It’s about time someone decided to tell the dandruff gang in KC to stick their hypocritical brand of political correctness right up their collective wah-zoos. And for the school’s timely display of much-needed backbone, McMurray is now officially the MMQB’s favorite 3-5 team in all the land. Let’s hear it now, “Go, (Fill In The Blank), Go!”

MMQB HIGH SCHOOL SPOTLIGHT
Hughes (Ark.) High’s Kendrick Smith scored ten touchdowns in his team’s 73-72 loss to East Poinsett County High. Can you imagine scoring ten TD’s and still coming out on the losing end of the deal? Talk about failing to close the deal: It’s kind of like crawling into bed with a naked Angelina Jolie and experiencing some untimely ED issues. (But it’s not a big deal; it happens to everyone…at least that’s what they say on TV). Anyway, I for one think it serves the little sh*t right. Don’t know about you, but the MMQB is sick and effin’ tired of reading about punks scoring more touchdowns in one game than the entire 1976 Kellogg High School juggernaut scored over the course of an entire season. But that might just be me…

In the words of Paul Simon,
“I have no opinion about this
And I have no opinion about that
Sad as a lonely little wrinkled balloon…”

Sorry Paul, you’re only half right –
McTavish O’Fishlivet

Hey, did anyone hear if there were any college football games played this weekend? Oh yeah, baby …

MORAL AND ATHLETIC SUPERIORITY FIRMLY ESTABLISHED

The mighty visitors from U-Pay-Us raced to a 27-6 lead before toying with the overmatched children of Willamette and leaving the Gaspumper State with a well-earned 34-26 victory. The Bare Pussies made the final tally appear more respectable than it really was on the strength of two late TD catches by Scott Schoettgen. Log coach Phil Willenbrock was happy about the performance of his vaunted student athletes (VSAs), though he noted that his charges seemed to have some problems adapted to the opponents’ Schoettgen formation.

That is all.

Thank you very much for playing our game. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

McTavish O’ … sh*t. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Much as I’d like to. In that regard, this weekend’s disasters were much like MMQB’s entire high school dating career. Or his football career. Or, for that matter, his basketball career. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

AFTER TROJAN MALFUNCTION, DAWGS FAIL TO LICK BEAVER

Heading into this week’s tilt at the Most Beautiful Stadium in America, Dawgfans were wondering if the 4-2 BP&G had truly turned the corner. We found the answer to be a resounding yes. Unfortunately, the BP&G that many believed to be driving down Positive Momentum Boulevard took a left turn directly onto Desperation Avenue, where they were immediately and summarily run over by a bus full of OSU Barkrats. The pooches were thoroughly dominated on both sides of the line of scrimmage. Mutt QB’s were sacked six times after giving up only five sacks in the previous six games. Yvenson “and Hedges” racked up 144 yard rushing and every time QB Matt “Less Is” Moore dropped back to pass he enjoyed enough time to invite a few of the Barkrat dance girls into his “pocket” if you know what I mean and I think that you do, before riddling the befuddled Dawg secondary for 308 yards through the air. Even the Barkrats’ little wetback kicker Alexis Serna was again infallible, running his career record to 13-for-13 in three games at Husky Stadium. Yeah, gonna miss that little f*cker. If it weren’t for a couple of Barkrat turnovers, this thing would have been 40 -3. Yeah, it was that bad. Riddle me this, Batman, how can a team play the supposed #2 team in the land to a virtual standstill, and then get the holy living sh*t kicked out of them by a team whose only victories had come over Idaho and Eastern Washington? I’ll tell you how: spend too much time reading your own press clippings about how you’re back, expect your opponents to go down like all the Pi Phi’s on campus, and come out with all the emotion and urgency of a convention of econometricians. Sprinkle in some uninspired play calling and bake in a 350-degree oven for three hours and see what you get: a great big steaming crapcake, that’s what. And to add serious injury to insult, it looks like Isaiah “The Predator” Stanback is going to be out of action for a long, long, long, long time. It’s never a good sign when your body is pointing to the end zone and your foot is pointing to the sideline. As a result, this once-promising, nay potentially magical, season looks like it will now be reduced to at best another baby step closer to the seemingly unattainable goal of quasi-respectability. I swear to God, if you’re going to root for the BP&G, you’ve got to be willing to absorb more than your share of shots to the cranium. “Cut me, Mick…”

SLUG EATERS SLUG RUINS

OK, so the Ladies of the Knight nipped the Bruins by ten. BFD – apparently anybody can do that. And when the Dawgs did it, they weren’t playing against some scrub QB either. (As an aside, I’m just wondering if the Quackers have ever played a season where at least four of their opponents weren’t without their top signal-callers. Didn’t think so.) Anyway, I don’t mean to sound petulant (OK, maybe just a little…), so I will give the AFLACs their due. They’ve come up with a highly effective formula. The empirical data conclusively prove that it damned hard to prance into the Concrete Bunker and win a football game when half your squad is puking its guts out on the sideline, the other half is busy poking out their eyeballs with ice picks, and the entire team is feverishly praying to the souls of Vince Lombardi, George Halas and Bronco Nagurski for a little salvation from the horrors of Tinker Hatfield haute couture. Did I miss the press release making silver one of the University of Zero’s official colors? Perhaps it was hidden as the final paragraph of some pabulum spewing forth from “Bullwinkle” Moos’ ever-present propaganda machine. Or perhaps it was buried in the long-awaiting admission of culpability in the infamous Rentgate ticket laundering scandal? Or could it be a little-known codicil in Mikey Bawlalotti’s divorce decree? After all, the wife usually gets the silver, but things can be a little different down Anarchy Central way. Ahem, cheap shot. But it felt good. Now where was I? Oh yeah, has anyone noticed that Bawlalotti teams are only as good as their offensive coordinator? Now that he and Phil have reeled in a decent one, the Fowls look qpuerahf;wef;/lnjakfdja (Oh God, my fingers just have a hard time typing this): pretty f*ckin’ good. Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart is as hot as a popcorn fart and the rest of the offense is similarly fart-like. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And with The Predator sidelined, the Dawgs’ chances in November look slimmer than Calista Flockhart on the Jenny Craig plan. Sigh.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC

The U$C Condoms hadn’t lost a home game since before Brittney Spears turned her vagina into one of those clown cars that little people just keep spilling out of. The ASU Stun Devils were stumbling into the City of Angels like Achmed on a Jack Daniel bender. Let’s face it; the outcome of this game was as predictable as Scarlett Johannsen being named the Sexiest Woman Alive. And sure enough, the Toejams got the victory, though they remain less-than-impressive, thanks in no small part by John David Booty Call’s endearing habit of throwing the ol’ pigskin to the other team. Apparently, the Stun Devils were moved by coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter’s pre-game speech in which he quoted Donald Sutherland’s “Animal House” character: “I’m not kidding here. This is my job!” Meanwhile, the team voted most likely to toss the Spoiled Children to the side of the road, the Fighting Tedheads of Cal. held the Fighting Boogers of the Palouse without a touchdown for first time since their 51-3 shellacking in the 2000 Apple Cup. (C’mon everybody join in, “Those were the days, my friends…”) The Boogs were especially inept in the Red-Faced Zone where they continued to maintain their tradition of, in the infamous words of former QB Jason Gesser, killing themselves in the foot. Meanwhile, on the offensive end, the Tedheads’ big bad O-line completely neutralized Wazzu D-end “Count of” Mkistro Bruce and his mates, plowing the way for “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch to shred the boys in Crimson and Grey for 152 yards on the way to a 21-3 victory. Finally, in the case of the resistible force meeting the movable object, the Arizona Mildcats prevailed 20-7 over Stunnedford. It’s enough to put Tree alums off their organic greens, creamy Brie and oaky Chardonnays.

A FEW NOT-SO-QUICK HITTERS

Owls Remain Endangered Species – Clemson scored on its first nine possessions and ran up 559 yards of offense in handing The Temple of Doom its 19th straight loss, 63-9. Cosby’s alma mater have had the Jell-o puddin’ knocked out of them to the tune of 308-50 in seven games this season. Remember, there are parts of your body you do not touch on television… ***** Miami Vice – There was definitely some hard-hitting action in Miami’s shutout of Florida International. Unfortunately, it was during an uncontrolled melee in which players were kicking each other, hitting opponents with their helmets and – get this – swinging their crutches as weapons. Thirty-some suspensions and counting, and it seems to this learned observer that UM President Donna Shanana is about to declare “No Coker, Pepsi.” ***** Just Like Old Times – LSU’s Bayou Bengals kicked the ever-living Cajun sh*t right out of the Kentucky Mildcats, 49-0. After the game, Mildcat (and former U-Ho) head coach Rich “Babbling” Brooks said, “It’s the damnedest thing; I’ve never had much luck against teams in purple and gold.” ***** Go Extra-Small Green – The Rumpled Publisher’s OTHER alma mater squared off against Holy Cross and came up a little short, 24-21 in OT, pushing their season record to 0-5. At least they’re consistent. ***** It’s a Game of Inches – It’s clear that Pat Hill’s team just hasn’t been the same since Ceasar Rayford blocked that PAT Never has that been more obvious than when Hawaii’s Rainbow Warriors hula’d the ass off Fresno State 68-37. Maybe the Bullpups should test drive a new motto: “We Will Lose To: Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime!”

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEC

OK, the MMQB is sick and effin’ tired of being a Pathetic Ten apologist. Touchdown Tommy Hansen and his Demented Minions are simply indefensible. If it’s not a TV package that rivals those of some junior high schools, it’s an incomprehensible scheduling system that gives the Ladies of the Knight 147 straight games of home cookin’. If they’re not too busy turning a blind eye to the Spoiled Children’s six-figure booster bonus program, they’re looking the other way when their referees are thrusting their grubby mitts into Uncle Phil’s bag o’ cash. Is this any way to run an effin’ railroad? And let’s face it, when the conference offers such impressive venues as the Bean Dip Bowl and Rowan and Martin Stadium, the Pathetic Ten is a little like a pair of brown shoes in a tuxedo world. Yeah, size isn’t everything (a conclusion for which Browns KR is eternally grateful), but compare the relatively modest and sedate crowds of the Pathetic Ten to the intensity one sees in an SEC venue on game day (or especially game night when 80,000 or 100,000 true believers have the whole day to ingest their fill of liquid inspiration.) True, when you live in Opalika, Alabama, you’ll look for your excitement wherever you can find it. But week in and week out, the SEC still produces some of the most riveting action since “Nasty Nurses, Vol. 14: Doctor Do Me A-Little.” Case in point, this weekend. Vanderbilt kicked a 33-yard FG as time expired to upset heavily favored Georgia. It was the first Commodore victory over a ranked opponent in – get this — fifty years! Fifty, as in five-oh. As in, not in the MMQB’s lifetime. (I realize that the same can’t be said for some long-time readers. “Oh well, a touch of grey kind of suits you anyway…”) Speaking of last-second FGs, the Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammers nipped Ol’ Miss 36-33 in OT. It was the second year in a row that the Boys from ‘Bama beat the Rebs on the last play of the game. The Sooey Pigs of Arkansas followed up last week’s unexpected thumping of Auburn with an impressive 63-7 victory over SE Missouri State. A Hog highlight was picking off three passes, or exactly three times as many turnovers as they’d forced in their first five games combined. And if you didn’t watch Auburn’s 27-17 victory over Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Florida loafers-in-training, well then you haven’t seen Shakespeare performed the way it was meant to be.

A BAD DAY FOR HUSKIES ALL AROUND

For the first time since Napoleon “the Great” Kauffman was shredding defenses at venerable Husky Stadium, a Husky back was making a run for the Heisman. OK, so it was a Northern Illinois Husky, but still. Heading into Saturday, 5′7″ Garrett Wolfe has already racked up 1300 yards and was on track to break Barry Sanders’ all-time NCAA Division I rushing record. Before you dismiss Mr. Wolfe’s accomplishments as coming against LSOP (Little Sisters Of The Poor) competition, take a look at what he did to THE #1 team in THE land, THE Ohio State University: 171 yards rushing and another 130 or so receiving. Everything was looking great. Until Saturday. 18 carries for 25 yards against Western Michigan. Never mind.

MMQB HIGH SCHOOL SPOTLIGHT – IS PLAYER THE REAL McCOY?

In his first two games this season, Matewan, WV prepster Paul McCoy racked up 843 yards rushing and 10 touchdowns. Not bad. But Paul was just getting warmed up. In a 64-0 win over Burch, he rolled up 658 yards and 10 TDs. Could we be seeing the emergence of the next Garrett Wolfe?

Take it away, Boss:

“You end up like a dog that’s been beat too much

Till you spend half your life just covering up.”

McTavish O’Fishlivet

It’s the heart of the season, baby. So rather than bore loyal readers with the joys of watching A-Rod go 1-14 in the post season, or even regale you with a recitation of the lovely and heart-felt gifts presented to the aging former sportscaster to commemorate the 60th anniversary of his birth, I’ll just jump right into it.

TICK-TOCK — MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH
Let’s face it; the referees in the Pathetic Ten are not having their best season. Unless, of course, you’re Filler-up Knight, hiding behind your Oakleys, counting your billions, and maniacally laughing as you pull the strings to steal a game for your favorite team and cost your most hated rival a chance to pull off a monumental upset against the Spoiled Children. Then the refs are doing exactly what you pay … er, I mean, want them to do. Could it be that this was the same crew that worked the infamous Sooner Screwer in the Concrete Bunker? Or maybe they just imported the clock operator from Anarchy Central. Nah, that would have been too obvious for even the Sunglassed One. But with the Pooches a mere 15 yards from Ultimate Paydirt, the zebras apparently decided it would be a good time to change the way they’d marked the ball ready for play all game long, thus denying the Dawgs their dance with destiny. What, you think with two seconds left, they’re trying to call an audible? This damnably disappointing conclusion notwithstanding, this was a damned impressive outing for the Pooches. The Condoms know – I swear to God in their heart of hearts, they effin’ kay-en-oh-dub-you know that they got away with one. Sure, the BP&G failed to fully capitalize on a couple opportunities deep in the red zone. And the Mutt special teams had a few hiccups that made them look like special as in riding the short bus to school special. Fix those blips and this thing doesn’t come down to the timekeeper’s trigger finger. Still, this was a tough, smash-mouth, snot-bubbling, hit-‘em-so-hard-their-sisters-hurt battle. The Mutts never backed down, out-rushing the Condoms and holding the line defensively when needed. And at the end, they looked to have more petrol in the gas tank coming down the stretch. OK, so there’s still a talent deficit against many teams in the conference, and certainly against the Toe-jams, but everyone who believes in goodness and right (which means anyone this side of the Beaverton berm or the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record) has got to like the way this undermanned and gutty little band of pooches kept battling against a mighty adversary. Theirs not to reason why… These boys are just a bunch of big-hearted, lunch-pail Mutts who are slowly gaining confidence in themsleves. Seeing decent football from the BP&G is such a nice change of pace that it warms the MMQB’s heart and yes I do have one. And maybe, just maybe, some Saturday this season this gutty little band is going to sneak up and win a conference game they really weren’t supposed to. May the MMQB humbly suggest November 4th as a worthy candidate?

AFLACS GET THE RASPBERRY IN STRAWBERRY CANYON
Other than the fact that Cal took the field in uniforms almost as ungodly garish as those donned by the invading University of Zero, it was a study in contrasts in Tie-Dye-Ville Saturday evening. The boys in the ugly yeller jerseys were flat-out faster, flat-out stronger, and flat-out tougher in administering the butt-whuppin’ the boys in the uglier white jerseys so richly deserved. The Tedheads were physically dominant in the trenches, plowing the way for a scrub running back to squirt through the Quacker defense like … well … sh*t through a Duck, if you’ll excuse the phrase. Justin “Time” Forsett ran for 163 yards filling in for the injured “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch. In contrast, AFLAC mainstay Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart was held to just 25 yards on 18 carries. Another noteworthy contrast could be seen in the behavior of the two coaches. Head Slug-eater Mikey Bawlalotti routinely looks for ways to roll up the score against vanquished foes. Last week, for instance, he had his QB throwing passes against the ASU Stun Devils late in the fourth quarter despite enjoying a four-touchdown lead. Later, he went for a FG in the waning moments, defending his action by saying, and I swear to God that I’m not making this up: “At that point, we didn’t need points; that’s why I went for the field goal.” In contrast, Papa Bear Jeff Tedford pulled in the reins when his charges had the game well in hand. Despite this merciful treatment, Bawlalotti was inconsolable after the game. “I’m very disappointed in our effort,” he said. “I told the team we just had to keep it close enough for the refs to pull it out for us in the end. But we just didn’t get it done.”

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
In a battle of agricultural powers, the visiting Legumes of Wazzu defeated the Barkrats of OSU, 13-6. Saying these teams struggled offensively is like saying Rosanne Barr had a little problem hitting the high notes in “The Star Spangled Banner.” Or the Star-Mangled Spanner, if you prefer. Anyway, the Barkrats invade the Most Beautiful Stadium in America next Saturday and we can all hope they continue to suck the tailpipe offensively for at least one more week. Speaking of which, the ‘Zona Mildcats continue to struggle in Mike “Pop A Vein In My Neck” Stoops’ sophomore season, falling 27-7 to the Ruins of (f)UCLA. The Mildcats were held to -13 yards rushing, marking the third straight game in which they have failed to get into positive rushing yardage. Oh yeah, and then there were the Rudies putting a serious hurt on Stunnedford, 31-10. Yawn. After the game, Stunnedford Coach Walt Harris said his team needs to improve, especially on offense, defense and special teams. Meanwhile, Head Bead-rubber Charlie Weis was heard to say, “Hey, are you going to eat your coleslaw?” Ho-hum … at this point, it’s hard to see what game one would expect the Trees to win this season. One supposes that if they work on their rushing defense, maybe they could compete with Arizona.

LOGS LOOK PAST LINFIELD IN PREP FOR BEARCAT BRAWL
The vaunted student athletes of U-Pay-Us battled mighty Linfield for a half, before finally falling just a little short, 42-17. It remains to be seen whether the VSA’s can recover from the demoralizing collapse against the dreaded Lutes last week and play to their vast potential against the boys carrying the legacy – or is that the burden? — of the Cutthroat Swoosh Attorney, the Mad Scientist, and Achmed bin Gallooshes.

QUICK HITTERS
You Can’t Lose Them All – In contrast to their brethren mired in the morass of Baghdad, Army’s Cadets destroyed VMI 62-7. It was the most points scored by the Cadets since a 1958 win over Colgate. Donald “Rummie” Rumsfeld declared the victory evidence that the Bush administration’s policies are beginning to work. ***** Buff and Bare – The naked truth is that Colorado lost its tenth straight, this one 34-31 in triple OT to Baylor. Getting closer, boys, getting closer … ***** Putting the UG Back in UGA – Tennessee came from behind to thump Georgia 51-33. Georgia entered the game having allowed only 34 points all season, and the Vols exceeded that total in the second half alone. Sometimes you’re the big dog, and sometimes you’re the hydrant. ***** What’s A Couple Decades Among Friends? – Kent State got its first road win against a I-A opponent since 1988. So that was exciting. But then again, it was against Temple. Does that even count? ***** Gators Swamp Bayou Bengals – Florida defeated LSU 23-10 behind two TD passes and one TD run by back-up QB Tim Tebow. Asked after the game whether he’d consider switching QBs, Florida coach Urban “Legend” Meyer said, “I think I’ll take Leak.” He was subsequently fined by the FCC. ***** You Gotta Be Sound In The Kicking Game – Penn State defeated Minnesota 28-27 in OT when Gopher kicker Jason Giannini doinked a PAT off the upright. Like everyone says, you can’t spell PAT without (Jo) PA. Okay, so no one says that, but they could. ***** Fun While It Lasted – Ron Zook and the Fighting Navel Oranges of Illinois saw their Big Ten Plus One win streak come to an end as the Indian Hoosier Daddies nipped them 34-32 on a last-second field goal. But, hey, that was still one in a row. ***** Cat Scratch Fever! – After defeating Texas Tech 38-21, Mizzou’s Tiggers are undefeated, 6-0 for the first time in 33 seasons. Gary Pinkel, why do you ask?

And, in closing, remember these words to live by: No weekend is a total loss if the Ladies of the Knight get their fannies well and truly spanked.
That is all,
McTavish O’Fishlivet

In every football season, there are clear and unquestionable gut-check moments.  Times that separate the contenders from the pretenders.  Times for men to be men.  This weekend was one of those times.  When Mrs. MMQB announced that her high school class reunion would be held Saturday night, it was time for your most humble narrator to send a strong message about who is in charge in the QB family.  It was time to show that nothing was going to get in the way of the MMQB’s enjoyment of his suddenly and surprisingly resurgent Beloved Purple and Gold.  Yup, that’s what time it was, alright.  So, anyway, that’s why I didn’t get to hear much of the Dawg-Cat tussle, but I was able to sneak out a couple times to check the score throughout the evening.  With her permission, of course…

POOCHES SOLIDIFY POSITION AS AN OTHER RECEIVING VOTES

What was the most impressive stat in the BP&G’s 21-10 dismantling of Mike Stoops and the Mildcats?  It could have been punter Sean Douglas continuing his history run to the Heisman, with 8 kicks for a 42.8 yard average, including twice pinning ‘Zona on their own one pubic hair line.  It could have been QB Isaiah “The Predator” Stanback wracking up 340 yards of total offense (which coincidentally enough is also the total offense Corey Paus generated in his career).  But seriously folks, bah-dum-dum … the good guys haven’t been this dependent on a single player since Marquis Tui-asasapopopopopopopoasapo was roaming the plasti-grass of the Most Beautiful Stadium in America.  But for the MMQB’s money, the best news was the way the Dawgs of Defense pressured QB Willie Tuitama, sacking him six times and holding the Mildcats to -7 yards rushing.  We haven’t seen the Pooches dominate a Mildcat QB like that since Steve Emtman and Co. b*tch-slapped George Malabooboo.  Gawd only knows how long this unexpected little run will last, but let’s face it, it’s a helluva lot more fun to be 4-1 when all the so-called experts picked the Mutts to struggle to win two games.  Guess, we’re just – in the words of “Major League” manager Lou Brown – giving them all a great big sh*tburger to eat…

DUCKS STUN DEVILS; KNIGHT ANNOUNCES MAJOR GIFT TO ASU

OK, so the best team money can buy went down to the Land of the Tortilla Tossers and put a pretty good spanking on the ASU Stunned Devils.  The AFLAC offense was led by Jonathon “The Traitor” Stewart, who rushed for 142 yards on just 12 carries.  They’ll be a little something extra in his pay envelope, no doubt.  In contrast, the Stun Devils continued their trend of offensive ineptness, tallying only 175 yards and exactly no touchdowns, their only TD coming on a kick return.  QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter went an unimpressive 6-19 for an equally unimpressive 33 yards and one interception.  Stats like that have to make coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter feel really good about picking the sophomore over senior Sam Keller.  Buoyed by such exceptional decision-making, Koetter is now 2-18 against ranked opponents.  ASU’s recent history is even worse:  ASU continues to plummet, having been outscored by an average of 32 points per game since being ranked #22 in the nation.   Koetter was on point when he said, “We owe our fans an apology.  We should pay them for making them sit through that.”  OK, so even the MMQB will begrudgingly give the Quackers credit for their impressive 48-13 victory.  But I draw the line at the most recent line of bullsh*t being fed to the mainstream media by U-Ho coach Mikey Bawlalotti.  Mikey claims that the victory validates his team’s victory over the Boomer Sooners.  Ahem, well Mikey, the MMQB hates to be the one to break it to you, but the two don’t have a f*cking thing to do with one another.  After all, in 1990 when Colorado beat Iowa State 28-12 one week after the infamous “fifth down” game against Missouri, did it change the fact that the Buffs got an indefensible gift?  I don’t think so, Tim.  So, Mikey, let me introduce you to a little thing we like to call the truth:  you could go undefeated, pitching seven straight shut-outs and none of that would change the fact that a game you didn’t deserve was stolen from your worthy opponents, and given – complete with Mallard gift wrap and Dark Spruce ribbon – to your team.  A gift pure and simple and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.  So just help yourself to a steaming cup of shut-the-f*ck-up, and sleep well tonight, you cheating putz. 

CONDOMS INVADE PUSSY TERRITORY, LEAVE SATISFIED

Several hours before kick-off, nine Toejam players wandered out to midfield to take in the beautiful vistas and vast reaches of 35,000 seat Martin Stadium.  Apparently, a handful of Wazzu players took the move as a grandstanding gesture and a serious tussle was narrowly avoided.  Reportedly leading the Boog charge was punter Darryl Blunt “Instrument.”  Uh, Darryl, let your friend the MMQB give you a little valuable advice:  If you’re an effin’ punter for Chrissakes, you do not REPEAT NOT square off against defensive lineman.  Period.  Jesus Horatio Christ-on-a-stick, even Moo U has to be more than a little bit embarrassed about letting someone that stupid into school.  In contrast, once the game began, coach Yaba Doba Doo and his charges had little to be embarrassed about.  Sure, they gave up a 99 yard TD drive and let Condom QB John David Booty call Steve Smith’s number 11 times for 186 yards and two TDs.  But the gutty little Puddytats hung in there, pulling to within six points at 28-22 on a Dwight Tardy TD with under five minutes to play.  Alas it was too little, too late … Tardy, late, get it?  Sometimes I just slay myself.  But not often.  Anyway, the Boogs can now look forward to October, a month in which they haven’t won a game since 2003.  And all Dawgfans live with an intense fear that next week will be the one in which the Condoms finally play to their full potential.  That happens, and we’re screwed.  So to speak …

ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN BROADCASTING

Former QB Mark Rypien teamed with “Homer Bob” Robertson on the broadcast as Jim Walden was attending his … and I’m not making this up … high school reunion.  The MMQB knows how you feel, Jimmy.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC  

The (f)UCLA Ruins recovered from their stunning loss to the Montlake Mutts by blanking Stunnedford 31-zip.  Stunnedford’s season continued to swirl down the sh*tter like one of the former broadcaster’s sausage gravy and biscuit breakfasts, The Trees could be the worst team the Pathetic Ten has seen since … well, since the 2004 Pooches, I suppose.  Meanwhile in Cornvalley, the Fighting Tedfords laid the wood to the Barkrats 41-13.  The good news for the Orange and Black was that kicker Alexis Serna nailed a record-tying 58-yard FG.  The bad news was that his team was down 31-zip at the time.  Which raises the obvious question:  what the (vile and offensive expletive deleted) are you doing trying a 58 yarder to pull to within four touchdowns?  Oh well, let’s hope that the Boys from Strawberry Canyon are just getting revved up for neck weekend’s visit from the Ladies of the Knight.

YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN

It was Homecoming weekend.  The Logs entered the game 3-0.  It was the MMQB’s 25^th reunion.  For all those reasons, your humble narrator should have had his ample posterior plunked down on the aging bleachers of Baker Stadium to watch the vaunted student athletes (VSAs) of U-Pay-Us take on the dreaded PLUtes.  And the VSA’s got off to a great start, running up a 21-0 lead on the winless punks from Parkland.  Perhaps the MMQB end up kicking himself for missing a decisive shellacking of this most despised rival.  But alas, the self-administered butt kicking was not to be.  Our VSAs could not sustain their momentum, and the Lutes rallied for a 32-28 victory.  Is it any wonder your humble narrator seldom finds himself roaming among the ivy-covered Gothic architecture of the Northwest’s pre-eminent liberal arts institution of higher learning?  Speaking of losing to one’s rival, Linfield 42 – Willamette 14.  That is all.

QUICK HITTERS

Generation Gap – In a matchup of the oldest and youngest D-1 coaches, 79-year-old Jo Pa and his Nittany Lions upended 31-year-old Pat Fitzgerald and Northwestern 33-7.  When I was your age, sonny, we still wore leather helmets… **** Moral Victory – Sure, the Temple of Doom lost to Vandy, 43-14.  But at least they scored.  And these days a moral victory is about the best the Owls can hope for.  ***** Taking No Prisoners – Texas rammed a long horn right up the backside of outmanned 1AA Sam Houston State 56-3.  Remember the Alamo!  ***** Toasted Buns – Miami Coach Larry Coker certainly didn’t cool his hot seat with his team’s sloppy play in their 14-13 victory over Houston.  Cane fans would like to give the world a Coker … anything to get him off their sideline.  ***** Wreck Rambles – Georgia Tech stung Virginia Tech 38-27.  It was a big victory, Tech-nically speaking. ***** Oh, My Aching Head — Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers spanked the Indiana Hoosier Daddies, 52-17.  And UI coach Terry Hoeppner thought brain surgery gave him a headache… ***** Enough to Make Ralphie Ralph – The Dan Hawkins Era continued its rumbling, stumbling and most of all bumbling start, with Missouri thumping Colorado, 28-13.  Colorado has lost nine straight, stretching back 11 months and no amount of Coach Zenmaster’s aromatherapy can change that sad fact.  ***** Working Overtime in Lincoln – The Nebraska Cornholers gave up a 17-point lead before rallying to defeat Kansas 39-32 in overtime.  Jayhawk coach Mike Mangino once again saw his team fall by the slimmest of margins — which is the only time you’ll see “Mangino” and “slim” collide in the same sentence.  ***** Got a Website For You, Coach –fireronzook.com may no longer be the most popular website in the Big Ten (11), after the 26-point underdog Illini upset Michigan State 23-20.  In East Lansing.  Spartan coach John “What The” L. Smith is going to be rebooting his career any day now…

GREAT MOMENTS IN FASHION

The Palouse Pussies stormed the field in special throwback jerseys designed by Russell Athletic (sorry, Browns) to fit so tightly that they’re tough for opponents to grab, increase body cooling, and reduce odors.  Hello?  You’re in effin’ Pull-my-finger-man.  There’s nothing short of a complete cattle eradication program that will get rid of the odor that’s wafting over those particular plains.   And while we’re at it, can’t we just sh*t-can this whole vintage uniform craze?  They looked stupid on the Boogs.  They looked stupid on the Florida Gators.  They look stupid on everyone.  Oops, check that.  Vintage uniforms would be a major improvement for the AFLACs.

Stylistically yours,

McTavish O’Fishlivet