Monday Morning Quarterback

Suitably inspired by yet another quality performance from the United States Ryder Cup team, the MMQB was seriously considering three-putting this week’s edition into oblivion. But then …

BEFORE 60,000 RABID DAWGFANS AND A NATIONAL TV AUDIENCE
Hey, just what was that sound echoing off the roof of the Most Beautiful Stadium in America? I remember it vaguely from years gone by, but I’m still struggling to place it. Could it be the sound of Dawgfan enthusiasm returning after a three-plus season hiatus? More importantly, could it be that the BP&G are actually giving their long-suffering fans a reason for a little rational exuberance? Could it even be that, to paraphrase former President Gerald “Fore, Left!” Ford, our long Huskynation nightmare is over? Before we go that far, the MMQB must add a note of caution to his well-known and appreciated reputation for balanced and accurate reporting, sportsmanship and fair play. Remember, at one point late in the first half, the Montlake Mutts were down 16-0, had negative rushing yards, and had yet to record their inaugural first down. In fact, at that point, our hopes were dropping faster than Paris Hilton’s panties. Things were so bad that the MMQB found himself scanning the sidelines for the ghost of Keith Gilbertsons past. But there is something different about this gutty pack of undersized and under-talented Pooches. You can just see them gaining a confidence little by little as games go along. So instead of crashing and burning like one of Achmed bin Gallooshes’ relationships, the team road a defense that managed to play tough in the red zone until The Predator could get things on track. When he did, Isaiah generated 248 yards of total offense – out of the team’s 249. And then we watched in awe as a stroke of Divine Interception put the ball in the hands of a Dan “Don’t Call Me Thurston” Howell and the still-grieving linebacker put the final nail in the Ruin coffin. No pun intended. Even Disney would have a hard time peddling such a sappy conclusion to our story. But in this case, fact was more heart-warming than fiction. So we’ll just take this for what it was: an unexpected victory in a match-up of nationally also-receiving-votes teams. And with the BP&G now proudly sporting a 3-1 record (equaling their victory output of the last two seasons combined) let’s hope this game turns out to be what it might: a springboard back to respectability.

DON’T LOOK NOW …
But your very own University of Washington Husky Doggies are 4-2 in their last six games, while the dreaded University of Miami Hurricanes are 2-4 over the same span. Punks.

AT THE RISK OF RUFFLING A FEW FEATHERS
As the AFLACs continued to celebrate their victory/asterisk in the Larceny Bowl, the University of Zero reportedly has developed a special new uniform that we can expect to see prowling the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record. While U-Ho hoped to keep the new uniform under wraps, the crack MMQB investigative staff has uncovered the latest sartorial offering from Anarchy Central and we are pleased to unveil it:

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We all know some teams enjoy a little home cooking from the officials. But the OU-UO travesty in the Concrete Bunker constituted home feasting, home drinking, and a home rub and a tug, if you get my drift and I think you do. And lest my legions of loyal readers mistakenly conclude that the MMQB is alone in his continued disdain for the Slug Eaters’ ill-gotten gains, let me offer a representative sampling of quotes from the mainstream media:

• Pete Fiutak, College Football News: “The officials blew the call on the onside kick and the late pass interference call, and inexcusably messed up in the replay booth in a big way.”
• Matt Hayes, The Sporting News: “I’m under the assumption that instant replay is about making the right call and correcting mistakes. Apparently, the Pac-10 instant replay official didn’t see it that way. If we’re going to have instant replay, we sure as hell better learn how to use it correctly. It’s ridiculous that call wasn’t overturned.”
• Bud Withers, Seattle Times: “The Sooners got jobbed. It’s a fact.”
• Steward Mandel, SI.com: “If you’ve watched the replay, you know the handling of the onsides kick, both on the field and in the replay booth, was one of the worst examples of negligence you’ll ever see.”
• Rich Cirminiello, College Football News: “A couple of blown calls in the final minute were inexcusable and cost the Sooners a game they appeared to have won.”
• Matt Zemek, College Football News: “This game was violently taken away from a deserving bunch of Sooners by inept officiating and even more inept replay evaluators.”
• Zemek, again: “…For reasons that boggle the human mind, Oregon – a dead team – was given the football equivalent of several organ transplants … unethically. When this kind of outrage occurs, the rest of the proceedings are rendered irrelevant.”
• Zemek, one last time: “Where is the point when bad officiating and bad replay evaluating becomes something more than mere bad luck and wind up tainting the outcome of a game in a manner akin to a gambling fix or stolen election?”
Bowing to such intense national pressure, Touchdown Tommy Hansen again showed why his reputation as the worst conference commissioner in the nation is so well earned. The entire crew was suspended for one game – that’s not a punishment; it’s a vacation. Besides, what’s one week’s pay when the checks from the Nike employee credit union slush fund keep rolling in? Then Hansen staggered the suspensions, which meant some of the guys who’d just f**ked Bob Stoops without lube were given the chance to blow the whistle (blow the call, blow the game) against brother Mike’s Arizona team. Hell, the eventual suspension will probably give some of these cheating cheaters the week off when they should be calling a game in Pullman in December – that’s not punishment; it’s a reward. And Gonzo Gordon Reise has been granted a season-long leave of absence, all the better to enjoy the months he’ll spend sunning himself at Uncle Phil’s villa in the South of France. Meanwhile, the Ladies of the Knight continue to enjoy their fraudulent little quote-unquote-undefeated record as they prepare for their next eight home games.

IN A MATCH-UP OF INTELLECTUAL OPPOSITES …
DE “Count of” Mkistro Bruce spent more time on the Stanford QB’s ass than his jockstrap, recording five sacks as the Boogs clawed the Trees, 36-10. Stanford’s pathetic start has justifiably dampened any enthusiasm their newly remodeled stadium might have generated among the Chardonnay swilling venture capital crowd. Of course, the relative apathy could not have been helped by the fact that the home team’s band and mascot had both been suspended for off-field behavior problems. Only on The Farm could the athletes be better behaved than the rest of the students.

RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
For the second week in a row, Cal’s Tedheads rolled up 42 points … in the first half. Which means the Arizona State defense is every bit as good as that of Portland State. You might say that’s a sad State of affairs. Or you might not. Either way, Stun Devil Coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter is now 0-9 against U$C and Cal, losing by an average margin of 43-18. QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, who Koetter controversially picked over two-year starter Sam Keller, had a fumble and threw four interceptions, two of which were returned for Bear TDs. Good call. In another lopsided contest, the Barkrats blanked lowly Idaho 38-0. Thanks to his earlier tenure in Cornvalley, Vandal head coach Dennis Erickson was greeted by a standing ovation when he trotted onto the field of the Bean Dip Bowl. Another advantage: After the game, he already knew where to go to drown his sorrows. The Spoiled Children sleep-walked their way to a 20-3 victory over Arizona. The Mildcats have scored exactly one TD against a Division 1-A opponent this year. Let’s hope they maintain that impressive streak for at least one more week.

HISTORY MAJORS MAKE MAJOR HISTORY
The vaunted student athletes of the Northwest’s premiere liberal arts institution of higher learning notched their first shutout in twenty years as the Fighting Loggers of U-Pay-Us dropped Claremont-Mudd-Scripps 21-0. They’re undefeated, baby, and so good they beat three schools at once! Oh, and as if anyone cares, Willamette finally eked out their first victory of the season with a late comeback to nip Menlo 41-35.

QUICK HITTERS
Razorbacks Stem The Tide – Arkansas nipped ‘Bama 24-23 in 2OT, thanks in no small part by three missed FGs and a missed PAT in OT by Crimson Tide kicker Leigh Tiffin. After the game, Tiffin was quoted as saying, “I could just kick myself.” Unfortunately, if he did, he’d probably miss wide right. ***** A Mighty Fortress – Pittsburg hammered The Citadel 52-7. After the game, the losers announced plans to change the school’s name to The Alamo. ***** No Offense, But… – Utah State’s 38-0 loss to B-Y-Who was the Gaggies’ third straight shutout. They’ve yet to score an offensive TD, their only TD coming on an interception return. ***** We Was Robbed! – After defeating Southern 27-20, NC Central returned to the locker room and found players’ money, sneakers, electronics and other possessions missing. Maybe Bob Stoops doesn’t have anything to bitch about after all. ***** That’s Just Sick! – Jo Pa had to leave the sideline of Penn State’s 28-6 loss to Ohio State. He blamed it on the flu, but the MMQB is guessing that the Buckeye’s two interception returns for late touchdowns really made him sick. ***** Alive and Kicking – Two weeks after getting stabbed by back-up Mitch Covad, Northern Colorado punter Rafael Mendoza returned to action, averaging nearly 40 yards per boot. Coach Scott Downing said, “It was just like the old Rafael was out there.” Unfortunately, it was also the same old Northern Colardo, as they lost 42-28 to Western Illinois. ***** Looking For Greener Plasti-Grass – Rich “Babbling” Brooks might want to be polishing his resume after Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Gators sputtered to an easy 26-7 victory over Kentucky, dropping Brooks to a 0.289 winning percentage with the Mildcats. At least Kentucky will always be better at basketball – oh, never mind. ***** More Lovely Parting Gifts … — For North Carolina coach John Bunting, whose team fell to Clemson 52-7. At one point, Clemson had more rushing touchdowns (7) than the Tar Heels had rushing yards (6). ***** Speaking of Not Rushing Into Anything – In U Conn’s 14-7 victory over Indiana, the Huskies held the Hoosier Daddies to no yards rushing. As in zero. Nada. Nil. Zilch. ***** Big Green With Envy – Dartmouth was overwhelmed by their public school neighbor, the University of New Hampshire, 56-14. “That’s all right, that’s OK, you’ll all work for us some day…” ***** What the L? – Michigan State coach John L. Smith watched his Spartans blow a 16-point lead in the last nine minutes of a 40-37 loss to Notre Shame. Charlie Weis, who had said the Catholics will never again lose to MSU as long as he is Irish coach, nearly had to eat those words. Of course, based on his svelte profile, the MMQB thinks words are the only things Charlie hasn’t eaten lately.

Enough! Enough already! Stop me before I write more….
McTavish O’Fishlivet