Suitably inspired by yet another quality performance from the United States Ryder Cup team, the MMQB was seriously considering three-putting this week’s edition into oblivion. But then …
BEFORE 60,000 RABID DAWGFANS AND A NATIONAL TV AUDIENCE
Hey, just what was that sound echoing off the roof of the Most Beautiful Stadium in America? I remember it vaguely from years gone by, but I’m still struggling to place it. Could it be the sound of Dawgfan enthusiasm returning after a three-plus season hiatus? More importantly, could it be that the BP&G are actually giving their long-suffering fans a reason for a little rational exuberance? Could it even be that, to paraphrase former President Gerald “Fore, Left!” Ford, our long Huskynation nightmare is over? Before we go that far, the MMQB must add a note of caution to his well-known and appreciated reputation for balanced and accurate reporting, sportsmanship and fair play. Remember, at one point late in the first half, the Montlake Mutts were down 16-0, had negative rushing yards, and had yet to record their inaugural first down. In fact, at that point, our hopes were dropping faster than Paris Hilton’s panties. Things were so bad that the MMQB found himself scanning the sidelines for the ghost of Keith Gilbertsons past. But there is something different about this gutty pack of undersized and under-talented Pooches. You can just see them gaining a confidence little by little as games go along. So instead of crashing and burning like one of Achmed bin Gallooshes’ relationships, the team road a defense that managed to play tough in the red zone until The Predator could get things on track. When he did, Isaiah generated 248 yards of total offense – out of the team’s 249. And then we watched in awe as a stroke of Divine Interception put the ball in the hands of a Dan “Don’t Call Me Thurston” Howell and the still-grieving linebacker put the final nail in the Ruin coffin. No pun intended. Even Disney would have a hard time peddling such a sappy conclusion to our story. But in this case, fact was more heart-warming than fiction. So we’ll just take this for what it was: an unexpected victory in a match-up of nationally also-receiving-votes teams. And with the BP&G now proudly sporting a 3-1 record (equaling their victory output of the last two seasons combined) let’s hope this game turns out to be what it might: a springboard back to respectability.
DON’T LOOK NOW …
But your very own University of Washington Husky Doggies are 4-2 in their last six games, while the dreaded University of Miami Hurricanes are 2-4 over the same span. Punks.
AT THE RISK OF RUFFLING A FEW FEATHERS
As the AFLACs continued to celebrate their victory/asterisk in the Larceny Bowl, the University of Zero reportedly has developed a special new uniform that we can expect to see prowling the Field Named For A Coach With A Career Losing Record. While U-Ho hoped to keep the new uniform under wraps, the crack MMQB investigative staff has uncovered the latest sartorial offering from Anarchy Central and we are pleased to unveil it:
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We all know some teams enjoy a little home cooking from the officials. But the OU-UO travesty in the Concrete Bunker constituted home feasting, home drinking, and a home rub and a tug, if you get my drift and I think you do. And lest my legions of loyal readers mistakenly conclude that the MMQB is alone in his continued disdain for the Slug Eaters’ ill-gotten gains, let me offer a representative sampling of quotes from the mainstream media:
• Pete Fiutak, College Football News: “The officials blew the call on the onside kick and the late pass interference call, and inexcusably messed up in the replay booth in a big way.”
• Matt Hayes, The Sporting News: “I’m under the assumption that instant replay is about making the right call and correcting mistakes. Apparently, the Pac-10 instant replay official didn’t see it that way. If we’re going to have instant replay, we sure as hell better learn how to use it correctly. It’s ridiculous that call wasn’t overturned.”
• Bud Withers, Seattle Times: “The Sooners got jobbed. It’s a fact.”
• Steward Mandel, SI.com: “If you’ve watched the replay, you know the handling of the onsides kick, both on the field and in the replay booth, was one of the worst examples of negligence you’ll ever see.”
• Rich Cirminiello, College Football News: “A couple of blown calls in the final minute were inexcusable and cost the Sooners a game they appeared to have won.”
• Matt Zemek, College Football News: “This game was violently taken away from a deserving bunch of Sooners by inept officiating and even more inept replay evaluators.”
• Zemek, again: “…For reasons that boggle the human mind, Oregon – a dead team – was given the football equivalent of several organ transplants … unethically. When this kind of outrage occurs, the rest of the proceedings are rendered irrelevant.”
• Zemek, one last time: “Where is the point when bad officiating and bad replay evaluating becomes something more than mere bad luck and wind up tainting the outcome of a game in a manner akin to a gambling fix or stolen election?”
Bowing to such intense national pressure, Touchdown Tommy Hansen again showed why his reputation as the worst conference commissioner in the nation is so well earned. The entire crew was suspended for one game – that’s not a punishment; it’s a vacation. Besides, what’s one week’s pay when the checks from the Nike employee credit union slush fund keep rolling in? Then Hansen staggered the suspensions, which meant some of the guys who’d just f**ked Bob Stoops without lube were given the chance to blow the whistle (blow the call, blow the game) against brother Mike’s Arizona team. Hell, the eventual suspension will probably give some of these cheating cheaters the week off when they should be calling a game in Pullman in December – that’s not punishment; it’s a reward. And Gonzo Gordon Reise has been granted a season-long leave of absence, all the better to enjoy the months he’ll spend sunning himself at Uncle Phil’s villa in the South of France. Meanwhile, the Ladies of the Knight continue to enjoy their fraudulent little quote-unquote-undefeated record as they prepare for their next eight home games.
IN A MATCH-UP OF INTELLECTUAL OPPOSITES …
DE “Count of” Mkistro Bruce spent more time on the Stanford QB’s ass than his jockstrap, recording five sacks as the Boogs clawed the Trees, 36-10. Stanford’s pathetic start has justifiably dampened any enthusiasm their newly remodeled stadium might have generated among the Chardonnay swilling venture capital crowd. Of course, the relative apathy could not have been helped by the fact that the home team’s band and mascot had both been suspended for off-field behavior problems. Only on The Farm could the athletes be better behaved than the rest of the students.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
For the second week in a row, Cal’s Tedheads rolled up 42 points … in the first half. Which means the Arizona State defense is every bit as good as that of Portland State. You might say that’s a sad State of affairs. Or you might not. Either way, Stun Devil Coach Dirk “Hair” Koetter is now 0-9 against U$C and Cal, losing by an average margin of 43-18. QB Rudy “If I Were A” Carpenter, who Koetter controversially picked over two-year starter Sam Keller, had a fumble and threw four interceptions, two of which were returned for Bear TDs. Good call. In another lopsided contest, the Barkrats blanked lowly Idaho 38-0. Thanks to his earlier tenure in Cornvalley, Vandal head coach Dennis Erickson was greeted by a standing ovation when he trotted onto the field of the Bean Dip Bowl. Another advantage: After the game, he already knew where to go to drown his sorrows. The Spoiled Children sleep-walked their way to a 20-3 victory over Arizona. The Mildcats have scored exactly one TD against a Division 1-A opponent this year. Let’s hope they maintain that impressive streak for at least one more week.
HISTORY MAJORS MAKE MAJOR HISTORY
The vaunted student athletes of the Northwest’s premiere liberal arts institution of higher learning notched their first shutout in twenty years as the Fighting Loggers of U-Pay-Us dropped Claremont-Mudd-Scripps 21-0. They’re undefeated, baby, and so good they beat three schools at once! Oh, and as if anyone cares, Willamette finally eked out their first victory of the season with a late comeback to nip Menlo 41-35.
QUICK HITTERS
Razorbacks Stem The Tide – Arkansas nipped ‘Bama 24-23 in 2OT, thanks in no small part by three missed FGs and a missed PAT in OT by Crimson Tide kicker Leigh Tiffin. After the game, Tiffin was quoted as saying, “I could just kick myself.” Unfortunately, if he did, he’d probably miss wide right. ***** A Mighty Fortress – Pittsburg hammered The Citadel 52-7. After the game, the losers announced plans to change the school’s name to The Alamo. ***** No Offense, But… – Utah State’s 38-0 loss to B-Y-Who was the Gaggies’ third straight shutout. They’ve yet to score an offensive TD, their only TD coming on an interception return. ***** We Was Robbed! – After defeating Southern 27-20, NC Central returned to the locker room and found players’ money, sneakers, electronics and other possessions missing. Maybe Bob Stoops doesn’t have anything to bitch about after all. ***** That’s Just Sick! – Jo Pa had to leave the sideline of Penn State’s 28-6 loss to Ohio State. He blamed it on the flu, but the MMQB is guessing that the Buckeye’s two interception returns for late touchdowns really made him sick. ***** Alive and Kicking – Two weeks after getting stabbed by back-up Mitch Covad, Northern Colorado punter Rafael Mendoza returned to action, averaging nearly 40 yards per boot. Coach Scott Downing said, “It was just like the old Rafael was out there.” Unfortunately, it was also the same old Northern Colardo, as they lost 42-28 to Western Illinois. ***** Looking For Greener Plasti-Grass – Rich “Babbling” Brooks might want to be polishing his resume after Urban “Legend” Meyer and the Gators sputtered to an easy 26-7 victory over Kentucky, dropping Brooks to a 0.289 winning percentage with the Mildcats. At least Kentucky will always be better at basketball – oh, never mind. ***** More Lovely Parting Gifts … — For North Carolina coach John Bunting, whose team fell to Clemson 52-7. At one point, Clemson had more rushing touchdowns (7) than the Tar Heels had rushing yards (6). ***** Speaking of Not Rushing Into Anything – In U Conn’s 14-7 victory over Indiana, the Huskies held the Hoosier Daddies to no yards rushing. As in zero. Nada. Nil. Zilch. ***** Big Green With Envy – Dartmouth was overwhelmed by their public school neighbor, the University of New Hampshire, 56-14. “That’s all right, that’s OK, you’ll all work for us some day…” ***** What the L? – Michigan State coach John L. Smith watched his Spartans blow a 16-point lead in the last nine minutes of a 40-37 loss to Notre Shame. Charlie Weis, who had said the Catholics will never again lose to MSU as long as he is Irish coach, nearly had to eat those words. Of course, based on his svelte profile, the MMQB thinks words are the only things Charlie hasn’t eaten lately.
Enough! Enough already! Stop me before I write more….
McTavish O’Fishlivet
The color, the pageantry, the smell of acne cream wafting up from the field … it must be high school band day at Husky Stadium. And what a day it was! So before any further adieu, let’s go right to the action …
DOMINANCE RETURNS TO MONTLAKE, BABY!
Man, I cannot tell my loyal readers how satisfying it is to see superior student-athletes in our Beloved Purple and Gold recapturing the dominating performance levels we’ve come to expect from them. They’re back, baby! That’s right, the women’s volleyball team has been mighty impressive in the early season defense of their national title, going 33-2 in eleven matches so far. But I suppose some of you might be a bit more interested in Saturday’s little skirmish in the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. And in regards to that, all the MMQB can say is, “It’s about effin’ time!” Sure, we still had our share of problems. There were too many times our defenders avoided tackles like a vegetarian avoids a T-Bone. One week after looking strong against the Boomers, our two tailbacks combined for an impressive 28 yards on 17 carries. And showing a laudable offensive balance, we had five different receivers drop balls. But none of that mattered, thanks to the legs of the team’s two acknowledged stars, Heisman hopeful punter Sean Douglas and QB Isaiah “Predator” Stanback– if there is a faster QB in college football, I’d like to see him. And then Ceasar “String Bean” Rayford blocked a PAT to preserve the razor-thin margin and set Bullpuppy Coach “Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere” Pat Hill’s Fu Manchu moustache a-twitchin’. True, this Pooch team is never going to make anyone forget the 1991 Dawgs (AKA, one of the greatest college football teams of all time), but it was nice to see them moving in the right direction, hanging in there and winning one late, rather than pulling the trick we’ve seen all too often over the last few years: namely, folding like a cheap whore punched in the gut by a sweaty guy named Gus. Bring on the Ruins…
YOU JUST KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN
It was completely predictable that Adrian Peterson would shred the AFLACs for 211 yards. But it was even more predictable that the Men in Black (or is that Dark Spruce?) would win this game in particularly annoying fashion during the closing seconds. Of course that’s not was really pisses off the MMQB. It’s not even the irritation of once again watching the Quackerbackers storm the Field-Named-For-A-Coach-With-A-Career-Losing-Record like strippers going after a twenty. No, what really chafes is the all-too-usual helping of home cookin’ that the Ladies of the Knight once again enjoyed courtesy of the zebras. It started in the third quarter when a 73-yard Boomer Sooner TD pass was called back because the receiver allegedly stepped out of bounds – or within a foot or so of the sideline. But the Whistler Blowers were just getting warmed up. When U-Ho recovered their desperation on-side kick, the refs conveniently ignored the fact that one of the Anarchists had touched the ball before it had traveled the required 10 yards. Rules are so inconvenient. But even with that gift, it was far from certain that the Slug-Eaters would pull it out of their collective asses, so – toot! – Let’s just order us up a nice little phantom pass interference call. An irate Bob Stoops had the impudence to challenge the call and the ref patiently explained, “Coach, one of your guys breathed on one of our guys.” So the Macramé Miscreants score two TDs in less than two minutes and it all comes down to the Boomers’ last-second FG try. It’s just as well that the damn thing was blocked. The refs were getting tired of blowing their whistles.
BOOGS BUMP BAYLOR BEARS
The Palouse Pussies squared off at Qwestionable Accounting Practices Field against a Baylor Bear team featuring a FS who’d been a team cheerleader the year before. He didn’t have much to cheer about, though, as the Bears amassed an amazing -10 yards rushing. On the bright side, at least none of their players shot each other. For their part, the Boogs weren’t much better with their 51 yards, but QB Alex “Season on the” Brink scored on trick play reception and kicker Loren Langley booted a FG with seconds to play to give the boys from Pull-my-finger-man a 19-17 victory. Langley’s nickname is “Peanut” and the MMQB for one would have loved it if the Wazzu holder had just pulled a Lucy on him.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
Earlier in the week, Nebraska Cornholer DB Andre Jones confidently predicted, “When we beat this team, we will have restored the order.” OK, maybe you can make that sort of statement if you’re talking about some team that scored an unexpected upset over you last season. But Jones was woofin’ ‘bout the mighty U$C Toejams. Result: U$C, 28-10 and a steaming hot cup of shut the f*ck up for one Andre Jones. Up the coast a way, the Tedheads of Cal coasted to a predictably easy victory over Portland State as “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch had 112 yards and a TD – in all of six carries. It’s unclear whether he broke a sweat. Speaking of body odor, Stanford continued its impressive early season run with a 37-9 loss to Navy. Perhaps Buddy Teevins has snuck back onto the Tree sideline. The ‘Zona Mildcats dropped down a slight notch from the Bayou Bengals to take on a more evenly matched opponent, defeating Stephen F. Austin State, 28-10. And in a match-up of two coaches still longing for the blue, blue turf of home, Dirk “Hair” Koetter’s ASU Stunned Devils easily handled Dan Hawkins’ Colorado In-The-Buffs, 21-3. The Ralphies have yet to score in the second half this season, as CU players are reportedly perplexed by Coach Moonbeam’s halftime routine of incense-laced transcendental meditation sessions.
QUICK HITTERS
Rudy Hocks Up A Lung – The big, bad Meeeshigan Wolverines stormed into South Bend, scored 26 before the Irish tallied a first down, and shoved a 47-21 thumpin’ right up the arse of Touchdown Jesus. Maybe it’s time the bead-rubbers just sh*t-can all the Charlie- Weis-genius-ND-national-title-Brady Quinn-(four turnovers)-Heisman-shoo-in talk! ***** A Not-So-Mighty Wind – The Miami Hurricanes were downgraded to a mild Zephyr by Louisville 31-7. Just think what it would have been if Cardinal star QB Brian Brohm hadn’t been hurt. ***** Stop Twitching, Sorrin – The MMQB feels a certain obligated to report that Wisconsin’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’” Badgers blanked San Diego State 14-0. As if anyone else cares. ***** Saluki Salute – 1AA Southern Illinois Salukis upended the Indiana Hoosier-Daddies, 35-28. Somewhere in TV Land, Lee Corso has the twitches. ***** An Expensive Victory – The Clemson Tigers upended Florida State 27-20, giving son Tommy the Bowden family bragging rights for the second straight season. In an unrelated announcement, Bobby announced that he planned to re-write his will. ***** At Least They’re Consistent – Minnesota handed the Temple of Doom its second straight 62-0 loss. At this point, the Owls’ season is basically pointless. ***** Principles are Principles … – But this is Texas football. After the TOSU game, Mack Brown reinstated his suspended players for the Donghorn’s 52-7 victory over Rice. Against the newly replenished UT, you might say Rice didn’t have a kernel of hope. ***** Team Unity Prevails – In the first game after back-up punter Mitch Cozad stabbed starting punter Rafeal Mendoza, North Colorado defeated Texas State 14-13. One wonders if the Bears’ superior kicking game was the deciding factor.
GREAT MOMENTS IN SCHEDULING, VOL. 38
The Texas A&M Aggies stuffed Army at the goal line to preserve their 28-24 victory and remain undefeated. Before loyal readers attach too much significance to this “accomplishment,” consider the opposition: 1AA Citadel, Louisiana Lafayette, and Army. The Aggies’ other non-conference foe will be Louisiana Tech on September 30th. F*ck the 12th Man – you shouldn’t even need 11 when your opponents are ranked 104th, 111th, and 98th,, respectively, out of 119 Division 1 teams. Apparently, the Northgate Mall Senior Citizen Precision Wheelchair Team was busy …
GREAT MOMENTS IN SCHEDULING, VOL. 39
With Cal’s victory over Portland State Saturday, there are now only seven teams in Division 1 that have resisted the clarion call of easy victories and cheap thrills that come from squaring off against inferior, Division 1AA foes. Those teams are basically the elite of college football: Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, Michigan State, USC, UCLA and, of course, the Beloved Purple and Gold. Not that it hasn’t been tempting the last few years, mind you …
PUTTING THE $ IN U$C
And now the fun begins. Touchdown Tommy Hanson looked the other way when Dwayne Jarrett shared a $3800/month condo with Matt Leinert without paying his share of the rent. Never mind that Leinert’s dad is, by definition, a team booster and, as far as anyone knows, not running a general student scholarship program. Details, schmetails… But it’s going to be hard to ignore allegations of Reggie Bush taking more than a hundred G’s in improper benefits. Apparently, the U$C coaching staff didn’t seem to notice when Reggie’s car got tricked out with $13k in bling. Or when his family moved into a new house. Or when convicted felons trying to get into the agent business were consistently hanging around the Condoms’ practices and locker room. In the MMQB’s humble opinion, it’s time for the conference and NCAA investigators to start crawling up Tommy Trojan’s colon. Of course, the conference rules were changed after the other nine conference schools unfairly brought the hammer down on the then-leaders of the Pac. But Gawd help Pete Carroll if the investigation finds a unaccounted-for fruit basket!
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice
Pull down your pants and slide on the ice!
McTavish O’Fishlivet
It was a classic, a veritable Clash of the Titans. Twenty dedicated athletes – or in some cases, former athletes – gathered at Lake Chelan for the annual Mistake at the Lake golf matches. Rarely has North Central Washington seen such a notable concentration of high school reputations, red meat, alcoholic beverages, ill-advised fashion, and unfortunate digestive after-effects. After two days of genuinely intense Ryder Cup-style golf competitions – twenty grudge matches – it all came down to the 18th green of the last match. When the cigar smoke cleared, the whole kit and kaboodle came down to a dead-ass tie. But a great time was had by all, including your humble narrator (who, in the spirit of full disclosure, must admit to going 1-2 in his three matches).
But to help my loyal readers understand my dedication to task, your obedient servant still managed to watch key college football games this weekend in preparation for this report, which remarkable will be distributed on its eponymous day of the week. Keep those cards and letters coming, folks, and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP
Never one to bury the lead, the MMQB must begin with the biggest story of the weekend. That’s right, the dedicated student athletes of U-Pay-Us logged a 28-21 victory over Laverne (and Shirley), maintaining their impressive undefeated string a full two weeks into the season. The news was not nearly as positive for the alma mater of other charter members of the MMQB Fan Club, as Willy-in-Cement went down 35-7 to perennial power (ha-ha-ha, I slay me…) Gustavus Adolphus 35-7. For the historically challenged, ol’ Gustavus Adolphus, also known as the Lion of the North, was King of Sweden from 1611 -1632, A.D. Next thing you know, the “First University of the West” will be losing to Millard Fillmore University.
NOT HALF BAD IN NORMAN
He was everything they said he was, completely as advertised, the superior athlete shoved onto the stage and asked to show his talents in the national spotlight. And perform he did! Yes, Husky punter Sean Douglas boomed two punts over 80 yards. Hey, let’s ignore the inconvenient fact that the first one was brought back 62 yards. It’s never a good thing to have a school-record punt translate into a net 20. Look up the phrase “outkick your coverage” in the MMQB Dictionary, and you’ll see that play. Meanwhile, the MMQB will soon be launching his Sean for Heisman campaign. As far as the rest of the game went, it’s a sad commentary on the state of Husky football that the BP&G can go Norman Stormin’, lose by 17, and the MMQB can feel somewhat good about the whole thing. At least the first half, when the Montlake Mutts played the #10 team in the land to a standstill, and the stunned OU students were stuck with the scary notion that they might actually lose AND still be sentenced to live in Norman. But in the end, it unfolded just the way we all knew it would. The team’s was undone by its almost criminal lack of depth and the erratic play of QB Isaiah “The Predator” Stanback. One minute he’s avoiding the sack and finding Johnny “Iron” Kirton with a miraculous completion; the next minute, he’s missing open receivers and fumbling away an opportunity to make it a three-point game late in the second half. On the other side of the ball, we wanted to make their former-wide-receiver-turned-quarterback (FWRTQB) beat us. Mission accomplished. He responded with 270 yards and two TDs through the air, ensuring that the wind wasn’t the only thing coming rolling across the plain in O-O-O-Oklahoma. For those keeping score, the Dawgs have not given up (pun intended) almost 600 yards passing in only two games. Still, there were reasons to be optimistic: nearly 400 yards of total offense, including an impressive 200+ yards rushing – more than national champion Texas rang up against the same defense last year, with Louis Rankin again going over the century mark. And best of all, there were none of those pesky disconcerting signals penalties…
FOWLS RAISIN’ CANE IN RAISIN LAND
In the Raisin Capital of the World, the University of Zero once again relied upon their patented combination of luck and deceit to notch another victory and irritate your most humble and obedient narrator. Think I’m exaggerating? Look at the facts, Pigskin Breath. How can even the most Swoosh-addled Quackerbacker call it anything but luck when their boys have a FG blocked and end up recovering it to set up a Mallard touchdown? And in the deceit column, I’m not even going to mention the fake FG trickeration that produced the winning TD. But I do have issues with referees who are so squarely in Unkie Phil’s pocket that they wanted to give – absof*ckinglutely G-I-V-E – the Anarchy Central State a touchdown by calling a fumble on a play that was so clearly an incomplete pass that Stevie Effin’ Wonder could have made the correct call. Thank Gawd that Bulldawg head coach is a man of principle. Having rebuffed multiple offers from the Evil Empire to take a dive, Hill challenged the call and it was rightly overturned. But let’s face it: That was a damnably close call. Speaking of which, the whole game was one close call for the Boys in the Klingon Pajamas, as the game came down to the final play. So the Ladies of the Knight remain undefeated going into next weekend when the Mutts and the Mallards switch opponents. And a defense that Fresno State’s Dwayne Wight shredded for 154 rushing yards can turn its attention to a rather significant challenge named Peterson. Rumor has it that U-Ho will be unveiling new uniforms featuring duct tape and staples for the game.
BIG DOINGS IN PULL-MY-FINGER-MAN
OK, I’ll be the first … well, maybe not the first, but certainly an early one to admit that the Boogs looked mighty impressive in pasting Idaho. I’ll even admit that the outcome pretty well bung-holed my prediction that Drinkin’ Denny and his Vaunted Vandals would upset the Palouse Pussies in the world’s largest keg party. (If Georgia vs. Florida is the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party…) But I absolutely draw the effin’ line when the Furballs start meowing about their nine (count ‘em, nine!) consecutive non-conference games in Pullman! Let’s look at the impressive list of traditional powers they’ve conquered during that stretch: Boise State, New Mexico, Idaho (five times) and Montana State (twice). Color me impressed…
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The OSU Barkrats looked particularly impressive, as they gave up 42 unanswered points while getting drubbed into the smurf turn at Boise State. Speaking of ugly road trips, the MMQB is going to go out on a limb and predict that Arizona probably won’t be looking to take any more trips down on the Bayou after getting’ a good ol’-fashioned butt whuppin’ in the City of the Red Stick. After seeing his team held to 54 yard total offense in the first three quarters of a 45-3 loss to LSU, Mildcat coach Mike Stoops said, “Obviously, playing a team like LSU, they can expose some weaknesses.” Haven’t seen such unfortunate exposure since I stumbled on that infamous joint meeting of the Spokane Valley Weight Watchers and the Inland Empire Naturists Club. I’m happy to report that, with a combination of therapy, hypnosis and heavy medications, the nightmares have begun to fade. But I digress … Stunnedford had the shortest road trip when they took a short drive to visit Silicon Valley Teachers College. Things looked pretty good until the Trees caved, losing their three TD lead and the game, 35-34. If this keeps, the Dawgs might even get out of the cellar in the Pathetic Ten. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? About the only other conference team that looked respectable Saturday was Cal. Down in Eugene South, the Fighting Tedheads bounced back from their rather unproductive trip to visit the Rocky Toppers with a 42-17 over Minnesota’s Olden Gophers, behind the many talents of RB “My Favorite” Marshawn Lynch.
QUICK HITTERS
And The Guys Left Played Like #2, If You Get My Drift – After losing Vince Young to the NFL and several key players to off-field indiscretions, including that inconvenient little matter of an arrest on drug and weapon charges, the second-ranked Texas Donghorns were thoroughly dominated by THE top-rated THE visiting THE Ohio State THE University THE Buckeyes. (Did I get it right that time?) Haven’t seen Young more sorely missed since the last Crosby, Stills and Nash concert tour. ***** Break Up The Scarlet Knights – Rutgers shellacked Ron “Launch the Website” Zook and his hapless Illini 33-zip, after a 21-16 opening week victory over North Carolina. Apparently Dick McCormick wanted an opportunity to lead a university with a decent football team. *****Temple of Doom, The Sequel – Louisville rolled up 674 yards and 62 points in its shutout butt-whuppin’ of Temple. Last week, the Owls dropped a 9-3 overtime thriller to Buffalo, which is sort of like losing to a decent intramural flag football team. ***** What’s In a Name? – Idaho State, led by one QB Matt Gutierrez, convincingly defeated Ft. Lewis (the school, not the army base), also QBed by one Matt Gutierrez. It’s Lou Gellerman’s wet dream… ***** And Wasn’t That Fun – In search of a big payday to help balance the athletic department budget, 1AA Eastern WA traveled to Morgantown, West Virginia. The result was a completely predictable 52-13 drubbing at the hands of the highly rated Mountaineers. For offering themselves as cannon fodder, Eagle players should be offered blow jobs from anyone playing a non-revenue sport at the school. ***** Dome Sweet Dome? — Despite playing without their starting QB, Iowa defeated Syracuse 20-13 in double overtime. Rumor has it The Orange might have won if Jim Beheim hadn’t kept his team in the zone defense. ***** Zips-A-Doo-Dah! — Akron scored on the last play to upset North Carolina State 20-17. Coincidentally enough, Akron’s nickname mirrors the chances that Chuck D’Amato will keep the Wolfpack coaching job; they’re both zips. ***** Not-So-Game Cocks – Georgia shut out South Carolina, 18-0. And I thought Steve Superior was an offensive genius. ***** Why Not Just Hold A Scrimmage? – Nebraska steam-rolled 1AA Nicholls State 56-17. The MMQB thinks things might just be a little different next week when the big, bad U$C Condoms roll into Lincoln. ***** Speaking of Condoms – Troy led FSU late in the game before the Seminoles scored the winning TD with less than two minutes remaining. ***** The More Things Change… – Despite the retirement of coach Bill Snyder, Kansas State continues to bring in undermanned teams for human sacrifice in Manhattan. The latest victims came from Florida Atlantic, which came out on the short end of 45-0 ledger. Hey, they always say that tradition is the foundation of college football today. *****Following In Daddy’s Cleatsteps – Tommy Bowden and his Clemson Tigers lost to BC 34-33 when the Eagles blocked a PAT in double overtime. At least it wasn’t wide right…
GREAT MOMENTS IN BROADCASTING
At halftime of Saturday’s Dawg-Sooner game, the ABC voice-over included this gem in describing the footage of Virginia Tech’s block of a North Carolina punt, and I quote: “North Carolina should know this is coming. Virginia Tech has been blocking balls since they started trying to kick balls against Frank Beamer’s unit.” No wonder Frank has that goiter thing sticking out on his neck! I mean, I don’t know about you, but if they were trying to kick the balls against my unit, I’d be a little testy!
AND IN CLOSING, PHIL’S A PIKER
T. Boone Pickens has pledged another $250 million to the Oklahoma State athletic department. Included in the gift are further improvements to T. Boone Pickens Stadium, which he paid to expand and improve all of two years ago. For those keeping score, that will bring the total spent on the stadium alone to almost half a billion-with-a B. Also included in this latest gift is a cool 50 mil to construct a huge new practice facility. Of course, to build the new athletic complex, the school will have to displace about 250 families who had the impudence to actually live on the land they want. Don’t worry, the Cowboys are nothing if not humanitarians: they’ll pay those forced to move a princely $300 bonus for every year they’ve lived in their homes. For you Cougs in our audience, I’ll do the math; that’s all of $6000 to compensate people for the disruption of leaving a home they’ve live in for the past 20 years. I’ll take Caring and Respectful Human Interactions for $6000, Alex. That’s almost as good as Radio Shack using e-mail informing hundreds of employees that their jobs had been eliminated. But if you’re going to be the best, you have to have priorities, right? Oh, and in case you’re wondering, OSU has one Big 12 football crown in the last 50 years.
Now go away before I mock you a second time,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS — Talk about sending the report the first thing Monday Morning!
There’s a great scene in “Animal House” (which everyone knows is the only worthwhile thing to ever come out of Eugene), when Larry “Pinto” Kroger’s date graphically demonstrates that her bra is better at holding tissue paper than she is at holding her liquor. Immediately, the devil in Pinto pipes up with “F*ck her, f*ck her brains out, squeeze those tits…” while the angel counters with “if you touch that defenseless girl, you know that you’ll never forgive yourself.”
The MMQB knows exactly how poor Pinto feels. Not that I have a nubile young grocery clerk passed out next to me, you understand. Not that there’s anything wrong with that … but I nonetheless face a moral dilemma of Krogerian proportions. On the one hand, there are scores of loyal readers that can’t find this unique brand of reasoned, unbiased and insightful commentary on the color and pageantry of college football just anywhere. On the other hand, your humble narrator has been anticipating this season with all the enthusiasm of a stripper invited to a Duke lacrosse team kegger. What to do, what to do?
When all was said and done, I finally realized that the MMQB is, in the words of PFC Edward Montesque Garlic, “an exhilarating personality and polkas are simply no substitute.” So it looks like we’re stuck with each other for another season, sports fans. You could say that I’m tougher to shake than a two-finger booger. You could, but you probably shouldn’t.
Anyway, the ever-popular MMQB is back for another season of balanced, unbiased and well-reasoned college football analysis and commentary. But I have to warn you, faithful reader, there are likely to be some weeks when my missives will be reduced to MMQB-Lites. And some weeks, the report may not make its way to you until later in the week. If at all. Because, contrary to previous reports, I do have a life. Which is more than you can say for the Pooches. Speaking of which …
DAWG DAZE AFTERNOON
Let’s face it; there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic at Montlake … but enough about the basketball program. Unfortunately, the MMQB is, by definition, focused on the game played with an elongated spheroid, and there the BP&G’s prospects are about as grim as an Enron pensioner. Let’s check the tape, Dandaroo: Last year’s 2-9 squad suffered a number of academic casualties, include JR Hasty, a heralded running back that “The Sporting News” had declared a newcomer to watch. People, have you never heard of Geology 101, “Rocks for Jocks?” Then Dashon Goldson and Greyson Gunheim, the team’s two best defensive players – admittedly, damning with faint praise – each suffered injuries that will impair their effectiveness. When asked to comment on players who’d been particularly impressive, Coach Tyron “Mr. Personality” Willingham pointed out that Sean Douglas has the ability to be one of the top punters in the nation. God knows he’ll have plenty of opportunities. But it’s never a good sign when the punter is the first name that leaps to your coach’s mind. Still, a real fan is a real fan. So on a lovely Saturday morning, your intrepid reporter found himself forsaking the lush fairways for the concrete of I-5. Remember the old days when the roads were clogged with car after car flying the colors? Yeah, forget it. I saw exactly seven vehicles flying Dawg flags. One of them was stalled on the side of the road. So much for omens. Oh well. After the obligatory “God-I-hope-that’s-chicken” lunch at China First, the Rumpled Publisher and I wandered over to the Most Beautiful Stadium in America. There we were serenaded by the alumni band. I’ve got a better idea; let’s let the current students supply the music and watch the alumni play the game. By the way, the MMQB has a modest proposal for the NCAA: Any team that wins fewer than four total games over two consecutive seasons should be able to suit up any alumni that left for the NFL with eligibility remaining. Alas, the dandruff-shouldered blazers in KC are unlikely to recognize the brilliance of allowing Emtman, Billy Joe, Reggie, and Corey Dillon to again don the beloved purple and gold. So we’re pretty much stuck with the 2006 edition Dawgies. Some of which looked good, as they ran for 300+ yards and held the Spartans to only 50 yards rushing. But we also saw too much of what we’ve seen the last few years, as they continued to allow the Desert Fox and his Silicon Valley State Teachers College squad to stay in the game. Still, a W looks better than an L, especially given that I’m afraid they’ll continue to be about as rare as a boner in the old folks home.
HIGH-FLYIN’ AFLACS
Unlike the Beloved Purple and Gold, the Black and Green and Yellow and Lime Green and White and Silver came into the season with high hopes. After all, the most recent fashion crimes perpetrated by Tinker “Bell” Hatfield and his demented minions have given the Ladies of the Knight three helmets and God-only-knows-how-many combinations of diamond-plate uniforms to choose from. Those whose vision is not impaired by generous helpings of Uncle Phil’s kool-aid are left to wonder, what’s next, aluminum foil uniforms to keep out alien audibles? Then AD Bill “Bullwinkle” Moos surprised everyone with the announcement that the AFLACs plan to offer a scholarship to former The Ohio State standout and current guest of The State of Ohio Maurice Clarett. Moos noted that when Clarett was arrested with several firearms, ample ammunition, and several bottles of Grey Goose vodka, he also was in possession of a lint brush. “Maurice clearly exhibits the commitment to sartorial splendor that makes the Ducks who we are,” Moos explained. “We never want to see any of our 17,389 uniform combinations sullied with unsightly lint.” Hearing the Clarett rumors, Jonathon “The Tumwater Traitor” Stewart perked right up like an Eskimo nipple, and immediately went out and tallied 168 yards and two touchdowns in the Webfoot’s impressive 48-10 whumpin’ of the Trees. In an unrelated announcement, Stanford’s endowment fun took a $2 million jump due to an anonymous donation.
RUNNIN’ WITH THE PAC
The Pathetic 10 really showed its power this past weekend. Sure, the Toejams once again kicked the bacon out of the Arkansas Hogs, this time 50-14. But the conference’s other visits to SEC land didn’t work out quite so well. The Cal Tedheads were expected to challenge the Condoms for the conference title, but Phil Fulmer and the Rocky Toppers beat the holy living granola out of the Olden Bears, rolling up a 35-point lead before coasting to victory. Meanwhile, a little further down the chittlin’ circuit, the Coach Yaba Doba Doo and his Men-o-Paws wandered down Auburn way, where they were treated like the bastard cousins at the family reunion. After a 40-14 Tiger shellacking, the coach said, “I think we learned something.” What you should have learned, Billy-boy, is that your team could be nearly as bad as its cross-state rivals. Back in the Paciific time zone, another Washington Institution of Higher Learning faired equally poorly, as the outmanned Eastern Washington Eagles fell 56-17 to the OSU Barkrats. Eastern posed little threat, but the boys from Cornvalley had to bravely overcome an off-season decision to discontinue its cheerleading program. The decision was reportedly driven in part by the school’s conspicuous absence of taut tummies and perky ta-tas, but also by the football team’s demonstrated preference for four-legged playmates.
YOU CAN’T WIN ‘EM ALL …
…Unless you win the first one, baby! And that’s just what the mighty, fighting Loggers of U-Pay-Us did, with a convincing 26 – 19 road victory over the always-tough Whittier Who-Cares-What-Their-Team-Name-Is. The Logs’ impressive victory was in stark contrast to the maybe-can’t-win-any-of-them, baby Willamette Bear-tats, who dropped a heartbreaker, 42-zip to Western Oregon.
NEW SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED
In a surprise development, the MMQB has learned from sources close to the U-Dub Athletic Department that a few modest schedule adjustments will be made to reflect the current state of the Montlake Mutts. The goal of the change, according to those close to the situation, is to give the BP&G a fighting chance to win more than four games in a single season, rather than in a single decade. Details of the changes are shown below:
Out: In:
Oklahoma Oklahoma A&I
Fresno State McNeese State
UCLA UC San Diego
Arizona Northern Arizona
Southern California Northern Illinois
Oregon State Portland State
California UC Irvine
Arizona State Alcorn State
Oregon Willamette
Stanford Duke
WSU Western Washington
QUICK HITTERS
Boomers Sleep Walk Over Blazers – Oklahoma was less than impressive in its 24-17 win over UAB. “We’ve got a lot of things to work on for next week,” coach Bob Stoops said after the victory. “Fortunately, Washington is no UAB!” ***** Aloha Y’all – ‘Bama survived an early season trip to Hawaii with a 25-17 victory over the Rainbow Warriors. The Tide’s lackluster performance was attributed to the whole team getting lei’ed the night before the game. ***** If It Was A Broadway Play, It’d Be Cancelled – Colorado was held to 65 yards and three first downs in the second half as the Buffs lost to 1AA Montana State 19-10 in the debut of coach Dan Hawkins. If this had happened to his predecessor, the team would have lost more than the logos off their helmets. But not Coach Moonbeam. No, he takes a more Zen approach. However, rumor has it that he’s already solicited bids for black turf at Folsom Field. ***** Speaking of Impressive Debuts — K State needed two special teams TDs and had to stop a late two-point conversion to hold off IAA Illinois State 24-23 in their debut under coach Ron Prince. Former coach Bill Snyder was quoted after the game, “You see, that’s why I never scheduled such tough openers.” ***** Maybe They Should Stick to Lacrosse – The 1AA Richmond Spiders stormed into Durham and upended Duke 13-0. Let the countdown to basketball begin! ***** I’ll Drink To That! – Michigan State had to work hard to hold off Dennis “One For the Road” Erickson and the Vandals 27-17. Look for Drinkin’ Denny and the boys to give the Boogs fits next week. – Not So Smart — Harvard QB Liam O’Hagan has been suspended for five games for violating team rules.
GREAT MOMENTS IN RECRUITING
Remember a few years ago, when Mikey Bawlalotti was forced to institute some changes to U of Zero on-campus recruiting rules in response to reports of recruits being exposed to women of questionable virtue, nights of excessive drinking, and herbal supplements administered by one Onterrio Smith. Smith, as you know, soon will be working the night shift at the Coos Bay 7-Eleven after being released by the Minnesota Vikings – how bad of an apple do you need to be to get dismissed from Team Love Boat for lack of moral character? But I digress… Anyway, it seems that Mikey might want to go back to the ol’ drawing board based on the experience of Quack recruits Major Culbert and Marvin Johnson, both arrested for burglary and sexual assault after an incident on their January recruiting trip to Eugene. What’s really interesting is that Culbert signed with Nebraska, declaring, “Trouble’s easy to get into, but not in Lincoln.” (As an aside, this learned observer figures that if you can find trouble in Eugene, you can find it just about anywhere.) Culbert’s Cornholer career may be over before it begins, as he still faces first-degree burglary and first-degree sexual assault charges. Meanwhile, Culbert’s (literal) partner in crime Marvin Johnson signed with U-Ho and coincidentally enough saw his charges reduced. In an unrelated development, the Eugene Police Department recently announced that its officers would begin wearing new, Tinker Hatfield-designed police uniforms.
AND IN CLOSING
As the MMQB bangs out this inaugural dung pile of the 2006 season, the Miami – FSU game is on the tube. Oh my Lord-a-Gracious, dem boys can play – the speed and athleticism, especially on defense, is downright scary. It’s hard to believe that any of the Purple Pooches could crack the two-deep roster of either team. Well, maybe Sean Douglas …
That is all – for now,
McTavish O’Fishlivet
PS – Next week’s edition is unlikely to be elaborate or on time, as I’ll be busy participating in the prestigious “Mistake by the Lake” Ryder Cup-style golf extravaganza next weekend. Hey, we all have to have our priorities…
